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How do I satisfy my sexual needs without hurting my wife?
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My wife and I don't have sex any more. She's never been a very sexual person but over the past 5 or 6 years, a combination of anxiety and depression have left her without any sex drive at all. This is to the point where she now just sees sex as unnecessary and I'm considered 'wierd' if I even mention the subject.
We have an ok but sometimes strained relationship. Her anxiety means she can be unpredictable and I don't always know from day to day if she's going to be my lovely friend and wife or angry, scary and irrational. I try and understand and make allowances but I feel very much like walking on eggshells a lot of the time.
As a man, I do still have sexual needs. I find I need to relieve myself but I find that porn doesn't really do it for me these days, I find it too staged, and I'm not interested in 'content' from creators on sites like OF as I'm always fully aware that they're not really interested in me, I'm just a customer.
I don't want to physically cheat on my wife but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel frustrated and lonely and I end up posting dick pics on gonewild etc. to see if anyone wants to chat, sext or hopefully have some fun on webcam. I rarely get any response though and it just leads to more frustration. I sometimes frequent the chat rooms on here and play and it gives me an occasional thrill if a woman happens to open my camera for a bit. More often than not, it's usually gay men that open my camera which I'm afraid just doesn't do anything at all for me.
What I'm really looking for when I'm on these sites is for women who actually want to see me exposing myself online, for them to enjoy what they see and actually want to engage with me. That's such a rarety and it does sometimes feel despirately unfair that sex online seems so unbalanced. I know women do exist that enjoy watching guys but, on reddit and the webcam chatrooms, for every one woman, there are 100 men all saying "pick me, pick me!".
I struggle with the morality of what I'm trying to do online. I consider it a form of cheating, even though I would never do anything physically with anyone. I know my wife wouldn't understand and I really wouldn't want her to be hurt by my actions. I just feel like I need something.
Where can I go from here? What else can I do and should I feel guilty? |
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"Is sex really a need?
I have always wondered that.
No hate, genuine question. "
Im guessing for some very much so as would be the associated intimacy and connection. I would guess that is also something that is lacking as it was in my relationship.
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Hi op.
Could you not have an open chat with your wife and ask her if there's any compromise to be made.
If she doesn't want sex, but obviously you still do, will she let you meet people discreetly or allow you to cam with others etc.
Is she getting any help for her anxiety issues? Or would she consider you attending counselling together. |
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I think sex is important in any relationship, yes they are built on other aspects but not being touched by your partner effects you in so many ways. You're a guy so the responses will be less sympathetic than if a woman did but only you know whether you should feel guilty or not. If you do, then I would take that as you know you aren't being true to yourself or your relationship and already have the answer you are looking for.
My only advice would to be stop asking strangers about your relationship and talk to your wife. If your relationship is great other than the sex then there is no reason why you can't communicate your needs without it being an issue. Good luck. |
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It's a good question and I'm not sure what the answer is. I've coped for many years without having physical sex so, from that point of view, it's not something that's going to kill me and I'm kind of used to not having it.
I guess what I 'need' is just to have a release every now and again. I don't know where that urge comes from but perhaps it's a kind of an addiction. Maybe, when I'm feeling low I just need that hit of dopamine. |
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"Hi op.
Could you not have an open chat with your wife and ask her if there's any compromise to be made.
If she doesn't want sex, but obviously you still do, will she let you meet people discreetly or allow you to cam with others etc.
Is she getting any help for her anxiety issues? Or would she consider you attending counselling together. "
I think I've just come to accept her as the way she is and I know just not to mention or bring up sex as a subject as I know how uncomfortable it makes her.
She was getting some help with her anxiety but she gave it up, unfortunately, as she didn't feel like she was making any progress. |
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Hey OP, sorry to read this.
I think speaking to her would be the best thing for you to do. Put your side across and explain that although you are understanding and sympathetic to her views towards sex, explain you’re not and see how she feels about the cam stuff. One person making a sacrifice that big to appease someone else isn’t fair in a relationship. Hopefully things work out for you and compromises can be made x |
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"Hi op.
Could you not have an open chat with your wife and ask her if there's any compromise to be made.
If she doesn't want sex, but obviously you still do, will she let you meet people discreetly or allow you to cam with others etc.
Is she getting any help for her anxiety issues? Or would she consider you attending counselling together.
I think I've just come to accept her as the way she is and I know just not to mention or bring up sex as a subject as I know how uncomfortable it makes her.
She was getting some help with her anxiety but she gave it up, unfortunately, as she didn't feel like she was making any progress."
But maybe if you were allowed to look elsewhere, you wouldn't bring it up and make her uncomfortable.
If it's really important to you, I'd advise trying again. Explain you don't want to pressure her, but you don't want to love life as it is.
As with anything progress takes time, so maybe she needs to try a different method to help her cope with anxiety and depression too.
Things could end in a worse way for you if she ever finds out you're on here op. |
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By giving up on the help she was getting she's hurting you. How many years do you think you can live like this?
You can attend counselling alone, it might help you sort your own thoughts out and might enable you to open a discussion with your wife.
Becoming upset or aggressive when a subject is raised is a very effective away of shutting down conversations and shows that that person has little regard for how you feel. |
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It sounds as though your wife is having a shit time anyway and trying to sort that out would be a priority. Unfortunately most medications for bipolar anxiety will reduce her sex drive even more. However this might be a route to getting her mental state stabilised sufficiently to then discuss your needs with her. |
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Do you not have any intimacy at all or just no sex? I do have a lot on my plate and sometimes the last thing I want is sex but I'd never say no to a long hug accompanied by a "how is your day baby?" or a massage. I've struggled with both of those in the past and found therapy just made it worse. Happy to chat if you want. |
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"Do you not have any intimacy at all or just no sex? I do have a lot on my plate and sometimes the last thing I want is sex but I'd never say no to a long hug accompanied by a "how is your day baby?" or a massage. I've struggled with both of those in the past and found therapy just made it worse. Happy to chat if you want."
I'd like to pm but m outside your age range |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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Sounds familiar and I realised that it wasn't sex that I really wanted, but I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel that I was desirable. A feeling that was satisfied by my then partner showing me affection which became associated with sex because when we were into each other, that's were it usually ended up.
The reality though was that I needed/wanted the affection more than the sex. It does sound like there my be some similarity there and that it's not sex you need so much.
That being said, sex is also important and as we weren't getting any older, I tried to have a conversation about whether it was fair that if one person's libido disappeared that the other should be prevented from meeting their needs. To my mind I wouldn't have a problem if she wanted to satisfy her physical needs with other men so long as we satisfied out emotional needs together. I quickly realised she wasn't on the same page and realised I'd be expected to give up sex if she lost her libido. Sounds like your partners anxiety might make that conversation equally difficult but might be worth a shot.
My final thought is that I would struggle to accept a relationship that was not satisfying my emotional and sexual needs, and the volatility resulted in me walking on eggshells. Again, there are echoes with my situation and I eventually arrived at the conclusion that I only get one life and once I'd given her enough chances and support to improve the situation between us, the fact that she wouldn't (not couldn't but wasn't prepared to try) then I wasn't prepared to make the sacrifices she expected me to and we split up.
This is just my thoughts based on my situation and maybe it'll help and maybe it won't but whatever happens, good luck. |
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Jamie, Miss Morgan, Gnome, NiceCouple, and Todger have all covered everything incredibly well.
You've also described this in a way where I think (and maybe others get this from your tone too) you really do give a shit about your relationship, but you can't find a way to open things up, and your wife is in a mental space that's limiting her ability to engage.
Try the couples or counselling for yourself suggestions (just so you know you gave this every last shot possible to work).
My read between the lines though is that carrying on = two thoroughly miserable people, but you caring for yourself = one miserable person (your wife).
You can't be her happiness - everyone has to do a lot of that work from their own energy.
Do a bit more of the good, honourable husband stuff - but, similar to what NiceCouple said, you are being manipulated, intentionally or unintentionally.
If you can save your marriage either via more intimacy within it, or an open relationship, then great.
If not - don't listen to the guilt trip that'll probably be used on you if you have to break away from each other.
It is NEVER good to have two miserable people if there's the option of just one.
And if you have to make that decision this year, regardless of whether she stays miserable or somehow "wakes up enough", it doesn't matter - whatever you do can make it one less miserable person - you.
You both deserve a shot at happiness, even if only you can can find a way to get closer to it again. In an open relationship, or via divorce.
We all feel sorry for your wife, but one miserable person is always better than two, if those are the only real outcomes from this situation. |
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OP, I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances. I can only imagine that your sadness and frustration isn't doing your mental health any good. It's enervating to say the least. Most of us have needs and the yearning to be desired, cherished and sexually fulfilled in varying degrees. You really need to talk to your wife, with some initial form of 'next steps' or "where do we go from here?" standpoint. I really can't say much else as this is a private matter for you. A few people above have given some excellent advice and which I agree with.
One thing I would say on the basis of what you've said and what I have gleaned: your moral compass is intact and you are deserving of no false prejudice. For now. That may change based on what you do next going forward.
I hope it all works out for you and wish you all the best. |
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"Hi op.
Could you not have an open chat with your wife and ask her if there's any compromise to be made.
If she doesn't want sex, but obviously you still do, will she let you meet people discreetly or allow you to cam with others etc.
Is she getting any help for her anxiety issues? Or would she consider you attending counselling together.
I think I've just come to accept her as the way she is and I know just not to mention or bring up sex as a subject as I know how uncomfortable it makes her.
She was getting some help with her anxiety but she gave it up, unfortunately, as she didn't feel like she was making any progress."
Look into psilocybin help for anxiety, they are making great strides in the us and Australia. |
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"Maybe I’m being a bit dim but how can you continue in a relationship where you seem to have little or no psychological safety? "
I thought you liked punching people when you fancy them Glow?   .
OP - Glow's right.
If (this is a big "if", because I'm reading between your lines and maybe getting it wrong) you've spent a few too many years being the manly, heroic protector of your broken wife, it's time to face reality.
Even though it hurts you both for some time.
Try to get her to wake up to the two of you as a meaningful couple, try to see if you can turn it into an open relationship if she can't respond.
And get the fuck out if she won't do anything to help the situation. |
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Honest and respectful answer would be to have this discussion with your wife , talk to each other, there maybe a reason she doesn’t feel like being sexually active
Not so respectful answer is , if your not getting fed at home then you have to go out and eat |
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"It's a good question and I'm not sure what the answer is. I've coped for many years without having physical sex so, from that point of view, it's not something that's going to kill me and I'm kind of used to not having it.
I guess what I 'need' is just to have a release every now and again. I don't know where that urge comes from but perhaps it's a kind of an addiction. Maybe, when I'm feeling low I just need that hit of dopamine. "
Have you tried to find things you and your wife can do together that brings you both some kind of joy? |
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Have you considered "dating" her again?
If you can find the magic you first felt with her through spending quality time together, maybe her sex drive will improve as she gets more confident. Then you wouldn't have to even think about cheating. |
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"Jamie, Miss Morgan, Gnome, NiceCouple, and Todger have all covered everything incredibly well.
You've also described this in a way where I think (and maybe others get this from your tone too) you really do give a shit about your relationship, but you can't find a way to open things up, and your wife is in a mental space that's limiting her ability to engage.
Try the couples or counselling for yourself suggestions (just so you know you gave this every last shot possible to work).
My read between the lines though is that carrying on = two thoroughly miserable people, but you caring for yourself = one miserable person (your wife).
You can't be her happiness - everyone has to do a lot of that work from their own energy.
Do a bit more of the good, honourable husband stuff - but, similar to what NiceCouple said, you are being manipulated, intentionally or unintentionally.
If you can save your marriage either via more intimacy within it, or an open relationship, then great.
If not - don't listen to the guilt trip that'll probably be used on you if you have to break away from each other.
It is NEVER good to have two miserable people if there's the option of just one.
And if you have to make that decision this year, regardless of whether she stays miserable or somehow "wakes up enough", it doesn't matter - whatever you do can make it one less miserable person - you.
You both deserve a shot at happiness, even if only you can can find a way to get closer to it again. In an open relationship, or via divorce.
We all feel sorry for your wife, but one miserable person is always better than two, if those are the only real outcomes from this situation. "
This is very very true.
Go after what makes you happy as it sounds like youre being too much of a nice guy and it isnt always the best approach.
You need sex.
Its a drive that needs to be met. |
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You can't.
All you can do is try to communicate your needs to your wife, but it sounds like you already know her answer.
Stay the same equals in hurt.
Pack up and leave equals in hurt.
Stay and cheat equals in hurt.
Good luck OP it's not a nice place to be in a relationship 
I've been there and got through the hurt of leaving the family home and starting again and it was the best thing we ever did. It allowed us both to find people we should be with. |
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Try spicing your sexual life up with your wife. If that doesn't work, be truthful. Some women are much more understanding than Blokes. She probably feels the same way as you do but But unsure hard to tell you without hurting your feelings. I would be honest and Suggest adding something new and spicy in the bedroom. Make it sound really exciting and blood-pumpingly hot.
Because if you are Caught having the affair playing with somebody else, that's one hell of a painful situation to be in. I couldn't turn out costly if she decides to divorce you. |
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I don’t know what the answer is but I do know how you feel. I spent 10 years with someone who barely wanted sex or intimacy. For someone who craves not only sex but the intimacy along with it, it was a very difficult time. |
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There has been a lot of good advice above. I would say that while I understand that urge to feel wanted and desired, being on here to find that could well end things if your wife was to find out. Please, please, please have an open and honest conversation about how you feel. Send it in a message if that's easier. And then give her time to process.
For those who suggest finding a discreet fuck buddy, I would say that's only a good idea with her consent. If she finds out it will damage things badly. The work required to repair the relationship in that situation will be so much more and so much harder with broken trust. It can be done. And sometimes things need to break before they can be fixed. But you're taking a very big chance.
I won't be sharing details here, but I know what I'm talking about. |
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"Maybe I’m being a bit dim but how can you continue in a relationship where you seem to have little or no psychological safety? "
This is the crux of it. Until this is sorted absolutely nothing else can move forward. |
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Hi OP,
I am in a similar position in that my husband has a far lower sex drive than me, though he will still have sex sometimes.
I have tried talking to him about it numerous times, but it is a big source of embarrassment for him so he just closes off and refuses to talk about it.
I love him very much and he is a wonderful husband and father in so many other ways.
I have been physically unfaithful previously and the associated guilt was horrendous.
Fab is my compromise - I play on cam and chat with people.
Here I feel desirable. I can't be tempted to meet as I live the other side of the World from virtually everyone.
Don't give up - there are women who use the chat rooms who love to perv and interact with male cams.
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