Handsome Squidward.

Man in Manchester, North West, UK

Joined: over a year ago
Last on: 1 week ago

DISCLAIMER: This bio was written purely for (my own) entertainment purposes. I don't expect it to get me laid, as, despite appearances, I am not actually that mental (and so far I have been proved correct). All characters appearing and situations arising herein are completely fictional, hence any similarity to real-life figures or events should be deemed mere coincidence, etc, etc.

First thing to say is that I'm 42 not 39, it won't let me change it. I've already had an unsolicited bollocking (spose that's the only kind, really) for that from Fab community jobsworth "Lilithx". Cheers L, guess you didn't read the disclaimer. ;-)

Anyhow... Hi again you nutters, I've missed you!

Over 40 now, yes, so I do come with eyebags, bald head, greying beard, etc., but the body's still ripped somehow, despite years of abuse and fuck all exercise recently. Good genes, I guess, come get 'em! (OK, I won't start going on about 'breeding' so early on in the 5000 word megabio).

I was on here before as Kurt from 2014-2018-ish, and befriended some amazing people. All were lovely, a large proportion were mental, and a surprising number were 10/10 stunners. Where you all gone?!

Some wild fucking times were had. I think the Camberwell mansion party of summer 2018 (remember that? Mae, you organised some incredible events! Please message me if you read this) was one of the craziest nights of my life (and that's saying something).

I was living abroad for 5 years or so but am now back in the UK and looking to make new friends and (re)connections with ladies, couples and groups for fun meets, parties, club nights and any other sordid suggestions you might have. Meet count so far this time round (22/05/24): 0.

I don't think that number is a complete reflection of my 'unmeetability', as I have had some offers (well, loads from men actually, even paid ones!), but I am picky and my taste is not that typical. For example, the blonde, big/fake tits, filled lips look that seems so popular does very little for me.

To be honest it does seem very slow going as a single guy on here, regardless. Maybe it's just plain old nostalgia, but I swear I was fighting 'em off last time, ha. With the same shit lines n'all! Alas, those days of plenty seem set to remain in the mid-30s volume of my "BEST OF" spank-bank.

Some of that seems to be the Catch-22 of 'can't get meets without verifications, can't get verifications without meets'. ***UPDATE: I finally got a verification, wooo! An old Fab friend I first met in London in 2016 rejoined and got me out of 'Heller's Dilemma'. Exciting!*** Some has to do with being in Yorkshire now versus London last time round (way more people on Fab in London, plus way more of the kind of girls I fancy there). And some of it MAY be down to my own lack of effort stemming from the depressing fact that testosterone levels and sex drive in men start declining around the age of 30. Still, a slight decline from 'absolute fucking sex fiend' is possibly a good thing.

On a related note regarding sex and age, I can report that I have zero problems with erectile function or strength. Having somehow recently bagged the hottest girl of my life (not on Fab, as you will have noted from my impressive 'meet count' above), and with the largest age gap (yes, all totally legal), I experienced a boner so raging that I think it even beat the teenage tumescence of my "hanging a towel on my cock" party trick. In fact, she probably could have done pull-ups on it. And despite her 10/10 A1-ness (and I claim no credit for this conquest, it was a miracle which actually had me questioning my own water-tight atheism), premature ejaculation remains a non-occurrence. So, if you like to go all night, I humbly offer my services. On the other hand, if your husband is due back from work any minute, I find that a little concentrated effort and the adrenaline surge of an impending fight to the death usually does the trick. Don't worry, after cumming, the oxytocin will take over and I'll most likely choose "flight" over "fight", maybe even giving the lucky cuck a hug of appreciation on my way out.

For real though, I'm not into cheaters or cheating at all, although that does remind me of a real-life version of the classic film trope of the visiting male adulterer escaping through a bedroom window and desperately trying to pull on his socks while making a get-away. This particular fellow hadn't even got his pants (British-English meaning) on yet, so we were treated to the the sight of his hastily and very recently withdrawn semi-on flapping through the streets of Barcelona's old town as he struggled with the ball of clothes under his arm. If ever seafood and white wine outside an atmospheric Spanish bar could be made more enjoyable, it was then.

Moving on...

I won't go on about losing my old verifications, as it does seem to be a very popular catfishing line on here. Ah well, no one held a gun to my head and said "delete your Fab account". Well, except my ex-wife maybe, but then she's American. (We did meet on AFF though - which is even shitter now. Fab wins hands down).

Although, here's a veri of sorts, if you can find it or care. I just came across (not an auto-tribute) a pic of me dated 14/02/2014 on Kittyandlion's profile, their first upload, what an honour! Knuckles deep in and snogging another man's wife on Valentine's Day as he takes pics to savour the memory. And who said the age of chivalry and the spirit of romance is dead? Charles Kingsley (1819-1875). Forgive me.

That was also the only time I've had my face squirted on and been begged to cum on a woman's face. Amazing all round for sure but that's not my usual finale. I'm pretty sure most women hate it, especially uninvited; how rude! I think that 100% of the time I've seen it in porn (and it must happen in close to 100% of porn videos these days), the look of disgust is quite palpable in those poor girls' eyes, even when they're doing their very best acting work! Don't worry ladies, I'd never spring (spurt?) that one on you, unless you want me to of course. (At least that subordinate clause didn't follow the platitude: "I don't bite", eh?) Also, come to think of it, once or twice is good for an experience, but generally speaking, when you've got that far, why the hell would you wanna cum by wanking your own dick?! Isn't the WHOLE point of this WHOLE business NOT having to do that?! (After mulling over this intellectual dilemma I'm about to start disagreeing with myself, but then my random thought trains take even longer to clear up, so I'll abandon this irrelevant digression now.)

And on to my taste in women. In a perfect world (and I realise we don't live in one, so don't be put off) I'm into younger ladies with slim to athletic to curvy(ish) bodies. Give me a pretty face, slim waist, dark skin and an arse you can stand a pint on and I'll be spontaneously ejaculating right there in the bar before said pint is poured! (Joke*. Also, not joke**). Race is unimportant (although I do tend to be most attracted to Black, Mixed Race, Latina, Arabic, South and East Asian women), I just don't generally go for pale skin; quite annoyingly, as it kinda rules out about 80% of the women on here. But I'm sure you'll all be able to deal with the trauma of that knowledge, and there are certainly exceptions too.

I do have a bit of a psychological theory on this, and have done some very informal research on a very small sample size. But almost all of the people I have met with similar, erm, exogamous tendencies, let's say, have or had a shitty parent of the opposite sex (assuming they are heterosexual, and in this sample they all were), and I would hypothesise that they have taken on some level of aversion to sexual partners who look similar to that parent. Sounds rather Freudian, I know, but we haven't discredited the old guy completely yet, have we? I'm no psychologist, so as usual I really don't know what I'm talking about, but we don't understand much at all about how the brain works in terms of tastes and preferences. So until 'real' (lol) scientists crack that one, I guess one theory is as good as another. I'll take mine, and for now at least I'll get to blame my mother for limiting my chances so drastically! :D

*I can delay it as long as you/I desire.

**First night in New York City a gorgeous local from Fab (My height! And, in fact, a former basketball player on the Jamaican national team) messaged me, took me out on the town, fed me strong IPAs, stuck her tongue down my throat all over the place, then wanked me off to completion (soz, awful Better Call Saul term) in a crowded watering hole. I fell in love with her (temporarily) and bar-wanks (permanently) there and then.

Personality-wise; intelligence, a sense of humour and a bit of humility take all of the above (idealised) physical attributes to the next level. Let's just say that for me, a 10 with their head up their arse is a 0. (Or maybe still a 10, but with shit on their face.)

Feel free to ask or suggest anything, I'm keen to help act out your wildest fantasies and carry out/commit (?!) acts of deviance in general, but I get off most on being the creator and provider of female orgasms. Best dopamine rush of all! (Well alright, there's always meth.) And I REALLY like dopamine. Eating pussy is my absolute favourite hobby. In fact it's an art form, and they say I'm a master. Boasting is not at all my style, but I'll make an exception here and boast away by saying that I'm shit hot, or so I'm consistently told. I'll even permit myself the cheesiness of claiming to be a "cunning linguist" given my genuine sly sinecure of shoving foreign tongues into handy boxes to all-round acclaim. (Google translate is waaaay better than it's given credit for!) I learned the unpaid version of my trade as a teenager from an extremely sexually liberated 28-year-old Dutch/Korean backpacker who clearly and enthusiastically nurtured my talents. Btw, I've not performed this number in a crowded bar yet, so just let me know if you're turned on by a bit of danger.

Stamina-wise, see above*, I've got all day if you have. And as a workshy layabout, I usually actually do.

I'm also well up for meeting MF couples, it's been a lot of fun in the past. See the the starry-eyed 'cocks on face' pic, for example, if it's currently on show, which that couple sent to me to upload, and which they also had on their AFF profile. I don't post anything like that without the explicit consent of those appearing. Not that I really have much chance to, since I've never got into sex photography. There's just too much far more interesting stuff happening. I'm not really bothered about posting them either, I mainly just like that one for the ego boost of the cock comparison, haha.

Oh and FF couples! Yeah, never gonna happen, but we can dream, and I might as well mention it in case of a miracle!

I'm based in Leeds, Sheffield and London for now, but I'm also often moving around the country in a campervan/houseboat. So wherever you are, if you fancy it of course (which is a big if, I know), just send me a message.

If you got this far, well done, and sorry I wasted a small but significant portion of your life with all that bollocks, but thank you! Feel free to say hi, whoever/wherever you are. And you can start the title with whatever friggin' code word you like! I'll read them all. Joke. (But true). I get it that women and couples get hundreds of messages per day and need a way to filter out the dross.

WARNING: the below is an unnecessarily long and detailed appendix, let's say, on penile size and is only recommended for enthusiasts. I have a feeling that covers quite a lot of you though, you big pervs.

Ok, let's talk about the elephant in the room. Yes, my photos are rather cock-centric. Posting them is mainly just a symptom of my exhibitionism kink, and a purely selfish act. I know most ladies are not especially attracted to loads of cock pics. It's certainly not for everyone, I understand, but I also know that some of the biggest freaks among you (which are those I like best, as you may have realised if you got this far) friggin' well love it. And let's not even start on the gay guys. Some of you are great and sent funny as fuck messages, but I had to block you all in the end as I was getting about 50 messages to every one from a female or couple. (Update: I've unblocked yous, coz getting loads of crazy messages from Colombian-type stimulated [original word censored by Fab] gay guys at 4 am is actually more interesting than getting one a fortnight saying "wanna fuck my missus" (lack of capitalisation and punctuation NOT my own) from a rotund 55 year-old (alleged) couple in Blackpool). I kinda wish I was gay - so much sex could be had -, kinda. Offers of £80 to get sucked off are also "kinda" tempting. Easy money? Or hard and degrading labour? I've yet to decide...

Cock-centrism notwithstanding, I have plenty of face pics in my "friends only" album (unless they're on public atm, which probably means I'm drinking). I'm not precious about them, so feel free to send a request or just ask to see them. I'm not shy (quite the opposite; I'm a fucking massive exhibitionist), it's just that every now and then I get a flash of panic that someone I know from normal life will see a video of me spurting my load one click away from my smiling/posing face. Oh, and about that posing look, I'm not at all like that in real life, it's just a kind of natural Botox method to avoid the (mega) eye bag folds. If and when you see a spontaneous pic you will note that I do look my age! I'm considering some Turkish cosmetic tourism. Bad idea?

So, back to the member at large. I gotta at least show off my best asset, right?! There are no Lynx cans in sight though, and that's gotta be a good thing if the number of complaints on women's profiles about them is anything to go by. Instead, I went renegade and broke out the tape-measure. Imagine that!

And regarding that apparently puny effort of mine, there seem to be a lot of guys (and girls) on here saying “I got (want) 10/11/12 inches”, let's consider that for a moment...

OK, so it's not a competition, but I'm gonna quote a serious Huffpost.com article here which states that "a 12-inch penis should only, according to these calculations, occur once in 17,321,537,028,348 guys, or about 5,000 times the world's population of men, and 320 times the number of guys who have ever lived on earth". And apparently they're all on Fab!

If you're not already familiar with it, I'm sure you can figure out the concept of "cockflation", and I think therein lies the explanation to this mystery. There are loads of stolen/fake pics on here too, obvs. I like the term "cockfishing" for that kind of copyright infringement. Thanks "BrownBaddie" for that one, I nicked it from your bio, but I doubt you've had it trademarked.

So, I say let's ditch the Lynx and Red Bull, start a new craze and use a ruler from now on. See my effort above to get the ball rolling; 8 inches, measured. Not a monster, but not bad either, eh?!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about not having the biggest cock around - of course I don't. And I'm really not that obsessed by the topic, perhaps despite appearances to the contrary, haha. I am interested on a personal level, but it's also maths, biology, evolution, genetics, anthropology, popular culture, etc. There's clearly a Darwinian element of some kind, but it's not clear (to me, at least, although The Guardian seems quite confident in its assertions, see below) what the selective advantage might be. Female sexual pleasure? An intra-male dominance display of testosterone levels? A seminal "first past the post" system? If so, it's a less painful strategy than dogs' post-coital and absolutely literal cock-blocking. I've heard the yelps, ouch! And seen the pint (approx, I'm not that scientific!) of fluid that is released with that final "pop" of freedom. GRIM.

So, whether it's one of the above, or a combination of the three plus more, it's certain that cock size matters. Looking at what some of our closest relatives are packing may give us a clue, and according to the Guardian, "the erect gorilla penis is only 3-6 cm long". It seems the biggest, baddest ape of all has a tiddler, and it's surely no coincidence that "female gorillas live in harems and don't often get a chance to exercise a choice between mates". Meanwhile, humans, who have apparently been slags since the dawn of time, exercise polygamy (sure, they generally pretend not to with the (relatively) recent cultural norm of marriage, although things are changing - thanks Fab!) and hence "males must compete to reproduce and frequently the competition takes place inside the female reproductive tract". This competition has led to the human dong being "the biggest of all the ape species in length and girth, both in absolute terms and as a proportion of body size". Testicular size and seminal volume are similarly involved, but I think I've already chewed over plenty of cock without grappling with balls and ruminating on semen too, eh? So, as you can see, my interest is purely academic (ok, not true, but it sounds good).

Right, I've spent faaaar too long on this. Pharmaceutical amphetamine is one hell of a drug, and they give this shit to kids!

If you've got this far, you're amazing! I just hope it wasn't a complete waste of time, but if so, please just spare a thought for the time it took to write all this bullshit! If you can be arsed (and you've certainly put the effort in so far), I would love to hear from you, especially if any of the above interests you. And if I bored you, feel free to tell me about that too. I'm pretty sure you would have stopped reading long ago though in that case.

Alright, laters you big freaks, and have loads of fun, we'll be dead soon!

TWOTR xxx

Update, but most likely an ongoing issue:

My own "seminal volume" is currently at an unsustainable level, and I would love to not have to release it in the manner of the porn vids discussed above (without the splatter-face and cameras, of course), whether in an "auto-tribute" or otherwise. So, nubile young stunners - and do feel free to self-identify as such, it's all subjective, except the age part, maybe - hit me up! I'm sure you all have nothing better to do than slog through all that shite then finally be persuaded by the (now pen-) ultimate paragraph. ;-)

P.S. Sydney University, spread my fame far and wide.

39 years old, Straight

6'1" 185cm
Athletic
Non smoker
Social drinker
No tattoos
No piercings

Looking For

Couples (MF) Couples (FF) Women
Aged from 18 to 42
Will meet smokers

Meeting

Can accommodate
Can travel

Interests

Adult Parties, Cuckolding, Group Sex, Oral, Same Room Swapping, Spanking, Swingers Clubs, Taking Photos, Threesomes

Verified Genuine Profile

*istress-Phoenix (38), Woman on 28 August 2024 by Meeting in person:
I've been talking to Kurt for a long while now, and finally we arranged a social, so I can claim my winning pint. What can I say, I had a great night, and the proof is in the pudding since we sat till it was daylight again outside. If you're after someone who has a brain and something interesting to say, not just a mindless cock provider, I couldn't recommend him more ?? until next time ??

Friends

Best Tits On Fab (40), Woman
letmerideyou (24), Woman
Phoenix (38), Woman
A (26), Woman