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Things that happen in real sex but not in porn
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By *idlandia OP Man
over a year ago
Birmingham |
We all know most porn is unrealistic or idealised at best. What happens in the world of sex that never occurs in the celluloid version?
I'll start with, you adjust your position a bit and hear "argh, your on my f%#king hair! Gerroff" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Farting fannies |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Making potato waffles during the down time! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Making potato waffles during the down time!"
That sounds amazing... I’m coming to yours lol |
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Fetching a towel/wetwipe whilst they do a good legsakimbo impression |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Cramp"
You stole mine its a bastard all gets a bit carry on.from there but you gotta laugh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fumbling with the condom wrapper and him losing his erection by the time it's on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Cramp
Loud bored noises from the dog outside the door
Parcel delivery guy arriving
Chambermaid barging in offering towels |
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The neighbours banging on the wall |
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By *iss.RedWoman
over a year ago
somewhere |
"Cramp
You stole mine its a bastard all gets a bit carry on.from there but you gotta laugh"
When you think he's moaning from enjoyment....then realise his leg has seized up   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fumbling with the condom wrapper and him losing his erection by the time it's on. "
Durex are the worst for this. They’re practically impenetrable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The bed squeaking like a bastard |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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when in missionary position my wife saying the ceiling needs painting |
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Words from the woman’s lips ‘not there not there’ followed by ‘do you not know where my clit is?’
Quite common is this. |
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Watching husband getting carried away with giving instructions and directions, and being told by his wife to 'Shut up or get out!'  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Getting told off for jizz on the soft furnishings |
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Apart from the kids coming home, most of the other suggestions do happen in porn more regularly than you might think but of course that's usually the time to shout cut and it's edited out. Certainly in old non gonzo/reality porn. |
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The cat jumping up on the bed, sniffing the man’s arse or even jumping on his back, claws out! YES it happens. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fucking dog walking in and trying to lick my ass |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The neighbours banging on the wall"
If my neighbours banged on the wall id hit the roof! Luckilly we know our neighbour and theyre bedroom is down stairs so its all good. But if someone moans, theyre just jealous your gettin it and they aint! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Needing a piss half way through |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The cat jumping up on the bed, sniffing the man’s arse or even jumping on his back, claws out! YES it happens. "
Yes, this has happened to a freind of mine! I was trying to sleep while he banged his missus(bedsit, he thought i was sleeping). I saw cat paws under the door so i let it in, it interloped on them and started sniffing his sack! We called it puuurv! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Getting fucked so hard you bleed  |
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The cum shot hits no where near her face |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The hot and sweaty faces/bodies you both have once it's all over pre shower |
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Getting poo on your dick during anal. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Getting cum in your eyes...ouch....and your mascara running everywhere. |
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"The cat jumping up on the bed, sniffing the man’s arse or even jumping on his back, claws out! YES it happens. "
Not quite this, but have had a dog jump up on the bed just after “finishing” and having placed the used and rathy full condom on the bedside table. It the proceeded to “steal” the condom and violently shake it so the contents got flung around the room. Wasn’t impressed with being hit in the face with my own spunk at the time, but looking back now I find it hilarious lol |
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Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch |
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch"
Puddle for me lol |
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol "
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ? |
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Wiping my cock on the curtains when she isn't looking |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Slipping on a dildo and fucking your back |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Falling off the bed/sofa |
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ?"
Apparently at the right angle I can lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The follow through
Someone had to say it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The awkward walk to the toilet afterwards |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The follow through
Someone had to say it "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ?
Apparently at the right angle I can lol "
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Only the woman gets paid after |
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ?
Apparently at the right angle I can lol
"
Don’t pull that face at me ahaha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ?
Apparently at the right angle I can lol
Don’t pull that face at me ahaha "
Noted. |
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ?
Apparently at the right angle I can lol
Don’t pull that face at me ahaha
Noted."
I'm guessing 45° |
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ?
Apparently at the right angle I can lol
Don’t pull that face at me ahaha
Noted.
I'm guessing 45°"
Uhm last time I was angled I think it was about that can’t say I paid attention I was a bit busy  |
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"Having to sleep in the poxy wet patch
Puddle for me lol
Ooft why can't you ladies aim it out the window ?
Apparently at the right angle I can lol
Don’t pull that face at me ahaha
Noted.
I'm guessing 45°
Uhm last time I was angled I think it was about that can’t say I paid attention I was a bit busy "
Aha working lower chest at the gym gg |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
The laundry!
Lol yes I end up with a waterbed. One good reason not to play at home.
Unable to unfasten you bra because the hooks are bent.
Undressing isn’t always that sexy.
They never have Brigette Jones knickers on in porn! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The bed sliding sideways and collapsing as one of the legs gives way under the strain of being shaken to bits, knocking the bedside table and sending the glass of pop you'd thoughtfully remembered to bring in for half-time refreshments spilling all over the bedroom carpet.
It was a long time ago...! And a rickety old bed...!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A little voice from the other room saying mummy are you ok? |
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The awkward indecisive change of position... “how do you want me? This way round?... no... wait... let me move my leg.. hang on... oh, the other way... wait a minute, I’ll shuffle up the bed a bit... you’re barely on... there. How’s that? oh sorry I thought you... I’ll turn over. Throw those cushions over there. Careful, I’m a bit tender from last night, be a darling, the lube’s in the drawer.....no, next one down. No, don’t use that one, it’s rubbish, should have thrown it out, yes that’s it... yeah.. no, press the cap down and it will....that’s it, careful it’ll go everywhere... fuck! That was COLD! .... just... that’s it... bit lower... no put your legs between mine it’s hurting my knees... Oh god yeeeessss...... soooo fucking good. YES! Fuuuuuccckkk.... Mmmm... pull my hair and slap my bum a bit would you?” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some bastard PPI phone call just when you’re about to blow |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The awkward indecisive change of position... “how do you want me? This way round?... no... wait... let me move my leg.. hang on... oh, the other way... wait a minute, I’ll shuffle up the bed a bit... you’re barely on... there. How’s that? oh sorry I thought you... I’ll turn over. Throw those cushions over there. Careful, I’m a bit tender from last night, be a darling, the lube’s in the drawer.....no, next one down. No, don’t use that one, it’s rubbish, should have thrown it out, yes that’s it... yeah.. no, press the cap down and it will....that’s it, careful it’ll go everywhere... fuck! That was COLD! .... just... that’s it... bit lower... no put your legs between mine it’s hurting my knees... Oh god yeeeessss...... soooo fucking good. YES! Fuuuuuccckkk.... Mmmm... pull my hair and slap my bum a bit would you?”"
Hahahaha. Too funny |
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"A little voice from the other room saying mummy are you ok? "
Well... was you ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A little voice from the other room saying mummy are you ok?
Well... was you ?"
Well I was but that sort of spoiled it really! Lol |
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By *queegeeMan
over a year ago
northampton |
"when in missionary position my wife saying the ceiling needs painting "
i think you win ??
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Making potato waffles during the down time!
That sounds amazing... I’m coming to yours lol"
Let me know when, oven is on! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well our son has literally just walked in. He’s still half asleep so didn’t see anything. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The shuffle on the bed on all fours and being asked if you can move your arse down a bit, so they can get it in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The shuffle on the bed on all fours and being asked if you can move your arse down a bit, so they can get it in. "
Ha ha yep |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The husband turns up |
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"The shuffle on the bed on all fours and being asked if you can move your arse down a bit, so they can get it in. "
Sometimes I need to put cushion under her to raise her up. All about getting the entry angles right  lol |
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By *idlandia OP Man
over a year ago
Birmingham |
I'm so glad I start this thread. They are all wonderful! Do continue! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The shuffle on the bed on all fours and being asked if you can move your arse down a bit, so they can get it in.
Sometimes I need to put cushion under her to raise her up. All about getting the entry angles right lol "
So sexy! Arse aloft! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having a smell of your fingers whilst she's popped to the loo |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fanny farts |
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pushing her head down to get a better look at the tv(telvision) you have to be specific on here |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The awkward indecisive change of position... “how do you want me? This way round?... no... wait... let me move my leg.. hang on... oh, the other way... wait a minute, I’ll shuffle up the bed a bit... you’re barely on... there. How’s that? oh sorry I thought you... I’ll turn over. Throw those cushions over there. Careful, I’m a bit tender from last night, be a darling, the lube’s in the drawer.....no, next one down. No, don’t use that one, it’s rubbish, should have thrown it out, yes that’s it... yeah.. no, press the cap down and it will....that’s it, careful it’ll go everywhere... fuck! That was COLD! .... just... that’s it... bit lower... no put your legs between mine it’s hurting my knees... Oh god yeeeessss...... soooo fucking good. YES! Fuuuuuccckkk.... Mmmm... pull my hair and slap my bum a bit would you?”"
Lmao...loved this...it's all part of the fun |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Trying a new dildo but finding it’s a tad too large! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The kids come home "
That happens in porn just not the real kids and not young kids! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The cum shot hits no where near her face "
Cum hits her tits rebounds back into the guys eye!!
Am I the only guy this has happened to?? |
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Accidentally head butting each other when trying to kiss passionately but aggressive |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The cum shot hits no where near her face
Cum hits her tits rebounds back into the guys eye!!
Am I the only guy this has happened to??"
Karma is such a bitch, isn't it? |
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By *ediMan
over a year ago
Leeds |
Not being able to take the bra off  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stubbing your toe instantly killing the mood |
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I'm gonna GUSHHHHHH !!!!
QUICK!!! "IS THE TOWEL UNDER ME??? |
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"The awkward indecisive change of position... “how do you want me? This way round?... no... wait... let me move my leg.. hang on... oh, the other way... wait a minute, I’ll shuffle up the bed a bit... you’re barely on... there. How’s that? oh sorry I thought you... I’ll turn over. Throw those cushions over there. Careful, I’m a bit tender from last night, be a darling, the lube’s in the drawer.....no, next one down. No, don’t use that one, it’s rubbish, should have thrown it out, yes that’s it... yeah.. no, press the cap down and it will....that’s it, careful it’ll go everywhere... fuck! That was COLD! .... just... that’s it... bit lower... no put your legs between mine it’s hurting my knees... Oh god yeeeessss...... soooo fucking good. YES! Fuuuuuccckkk.... Mmmm... pull my hair and slap my bum a bit would you?”"
Brilliant........when did you enter our bedroom without being noticed!!!x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The follow through
Someone had to say it "
One of the perils of bum sex!  oops! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some great posts there - you know ur laughing at some knowing yet that happened to me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No dont cum in me or her hand goes over herself so I dont get her pussy dirty. |
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Dislocating your knee so close to cumming that you don't stop! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fanny farts, bottom burps |
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This thread has made my journey to work such fun.
Tears in my eyes from laughing.
Anyway how about "fuck have you seen the time, I'm meant to be at work" but carry on regardless. |
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They never have to ask "what was your name so I can send a verification" When they finish. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A wee break |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Pushes you off saying hang on I need to fart. |
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Security knocking on hotel door |
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By *100Man
over a year ago
Essex |
Premature ejaculation
Literally two pumps and a squirt and a giggle of satisfaction lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fumbling with the condom wrapper and him losing his erection by the time it's on. "
If someone looses his erection with you he must be gay. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is it me? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hang on while I get this hair out of my mouth. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Snapping your banjo string during anal |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tesco food shop delivery arriving |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fanny farts
Cramp
Farts
Tissue on pussy wen eating
The clean up
Loss of interest after shooting
Spunk on carpet (clean up mission)
Leaning on her hair till she shouts in pain
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Police man knocking on the car window.. |
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"The shuffle on the bed on all fours and being asked if you can move your arse down a bit, so they can get it in.
Sometimes I need to put cushion under her to raise her up. All about getting the entry angles right lol
So sexy! Arse aloft! "
You know it lol. Although I love to look the person in the eye and see the pleasure in their face it’s amazing seeing a nice round arse in front of you just waiting for it lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Police man knocking on the car window.. "
and joining in |
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[Removed by poster at 05/09/18 10:50:23] |
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"when in missionary position my wife saying the ceiling needs painting "
This is sooo the male half in our relationship lool  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The rooms a mess |
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By *amesB66Man
over a year ago
St Peter Port |
Remembering you've left the chicken in the oven! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The explosive follow through from on friend when we were having bum sex in the woods and then realising neither of us had tissues....amazing how many leaves it took to clean it all up lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We all know most porn is unrealistic or idealised at best. What happens in the world of sex that never occurs in the celluloid version?
I'll start with, you adjust your position a bit and hear "argh, your on my f%#king hair! Gerroff" "
Frantic fuck because neither of you can wait to cum.
Sex lasting hours, even in several sessions throughout the day or weekend.
Much more erotic talking by both of us.
More liberal use of food and drink during sex.
Convincing role play.
Neighbours fucking noisily in sympathy, I love that!
Amazon/Ebay delivery arrives when you are close to cumming.
Using anything available in the house for extra stimulation to partner.
Feeling embarrassed as you finally found her limits (You did WHAT?) |
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By *idlandia OP Man
over a year ago
Birmingham |
Feeling embarrassed as you finally found her limits (You did WHAT?)
Definitely not seen a lady in porn ever say, I'm not doing that!! Lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The noises are real the people are real.......... Lets all go to a place we are all known....... Cheers |
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By *rwolfMan
over a year ago
bristol |
Follow through from certain acts.
Cramps.
Wondering where you put that fucking toy and then crunching your knee with it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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These damn button flies! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Husband coming home unexpectedly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never seen a porno where the guy says 'So have you cum yet?' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Police man knocking on the car window.. and joining in "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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After cumming everywhere and realising you forgot the box of tissues. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Accidentally ringing your mum and leaving her a voicemail of you having a good fucking....... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The awkward indecisive change of position... “how do you want me? This way round?... no... wait... let me move my leg.. hang on... oh, the other way... wait a minute, I’ll shuffle up the bed a bit... you’re barely on... there. How’s that? oh sorry I thought you... I’ll turn over. Throw those cushions over there. Careful, I’m a bit tender from last night, be a darling, the lube’s in the drawer.....no, next one down. No, don’t use that one, it’s rubbish, should have thrown it out, yes that’s it... yeah.. no, press the cap down and it will....that’s it, careful it’ll go everywhere... fuck! That was COLD! .... just... that’s it... bit lower... no put your legs between mine it’s hurting my knees... Oh god yeeeessss...... soooo fucking good. YES! Fuuuuuccckkk.... Mmmm... pull my hair and slap my bum a bit would you?”
Brilliant........when did you enter our bedroom without being noticed!!!x"
A voyeur ninja...  .... you won’t see me coming |
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This has literally made me laugh my socks off this morning, thank you all for brightening my day! |
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"Accidentally ringing your mum and leaving her a voicemail of you having a good fucking....... "
Oh jeez, this made me cringe so hard my balls retracted...  |
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By *tirluvMan
over a year ago
the right frame of mind -London |
Unexpected visitors ringing the doorbell |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Accidentally ringing your mum and leaving her a voicemail of you having a good fucking.......
Ouch "
The mothers text the day after.........
The next time you’re in the throughs of passion, make sure your phone isn’t under your pillow( was in my bag,and we was in a club)as you left me a voicemail at 2.30 this morning, took me a while to work out what it was!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Accidentally ringing your mum and leaving her a voicemail of you having a good fucking.......
Ouch
The mothers text the day after.........
The next time you’re in the throughs of passion, make sure your phone isn’t under your pillow( was in my bag,and we was in a club)as you left me a voicemail at 2.30 this morning, took me a while to work out what it was!!
That’s brilliant!
"
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"Unexpected visitors ringing the doorbell"
Mormons on the door step! I only answered the door as was expecting a parcel
Pulled on a tshirt with tits akimbo and my drawers inside out.
They beat a hasty retreat! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In a MMF, trying for ages to do a DVP, trying to get the angles right, after 5 mins of trying, one of you goes soft and someone says “ahh fuck it, let’s try something else”. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 05/09/18 14:18:56] |
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When a man suddenly loses his erection and blames it on tiredness! So aggravating! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When a man suddenly loses his erection and blames it on tiredness! So aggravating! "
really
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A real classic but not my own experience, I hassen to add!!
Woman on all fours, man behind giving her anal - all good!
They finish and as he pulls out she follows through and he catches it in his hand!!
Get him on the cricket squad!!
Plenty of entertaining moments on here, thanks for sharing!! |
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You have to take your own pictures  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A real classic but not my own experience, I hassen to add!!
Woman on all fours, man behind giving her anal - all good!
They finish and as he pulls out she follows through and he catches it in his hand!!
Get him on the cricket squad!!
Plenty of entertaining moments on here, thanks for sharing!!"
Fuck me....theres an image that’ll stay with me....I think I’d be out for a duck!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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They stop halfway through fucking you doggystyle as their knee/hip has gone.
Women panting because they’re hot and menopausal, not because they’re hot and getting fucked good.
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"When a man suddenly loses his erection and blames it on tiredness! So aggravating! really "
Yes really.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dot Cotton appears on the TV whilst you’re getting a blowjob
Down it goes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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kneeling on the edge of the bed giving doggy and you slip. knees off the bed and end face berried in her arse, where your cock once was.
fucking hilarious |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is the funniest thread I have read in ages .. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When a man suddenly loses his erection and blames it on tiredness! So aggravating! really
Yes really...."
he got off and said I'm too tired to continue lass carry on with out me |
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"when in missionary position my wife saying the ceiling needs painting "
Haha that was my q to get rid of fb . If im more worried about the decoration he's not doing it for me |
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"Fucking dog walking in and trying to lick my ass "
Yep especially when it's a 42kilo pitbull cross fb is terrfied of altho there's more chance of me biting him |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When you’re trying to peg a guy and the dildo keeps slipping up his back due to too much lube and you just can’t get it in his arse.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When you’re trying to peg a guy and the dildo keeps slipping up his back due to too much lube and you just can’t get it in his arse.
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Oh blimey |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When you’re trying to peg a guy and the dildo keeps slipping up his back due to too much lube and you just can’t get it in his arse.
"
omg yes that's so frustrating |
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By *ransGuyTV/TS
over a year ago
Cardiff |
Falling on your arse trying to get your socks off?
The bed squeaking so much that you get the giggles and kill the mood? |
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Grabbing what feels (in dim light) like the lube bottle - except it isn't (and sun cream bloody stings)
Getting your piercings horribly stuck between someone's teeth, or painfully entangled in their clothing
All that motion making you feel so queasy you have to sexily run off to throw up
Ditto the sudden onset of an upset stomach, more running off
Falling asleep mid-flow
Cramp, cramp and more cramp necessitating what looks like a badly performed rain dance round the room
Screaming when you cum - because you're hit with an orgasm headache of migraine proportions
Screaming when you're on your back at the spider you've just spotted above you on the ceiling
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"
Ditto the sudden onset of an upset stomach, more running off
"
This actually happened to me during a meet! I felt awful for having to cut it short |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Going for a dp and realising it's really disc paralysis oooch |
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Your boss ringing half way through a sex session for you to book him a train ticket to London for the next morning at 6am and it’s now 10pm. Yes it did happen to me....  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your boss ringing half way through a sex session for you to book him a train ticket to London for the next morning at 6am and it’s now 10pm. Yes it did happen to me.... "
with an FB? |
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"The awkward indecisive change of position... “how do you want me? This way round?... no... wait... let me move my leg.. hang on... oh, the other way... wait a minute, I’ll shuffle up the bed a bit... you’re barely on... there. How’s that? oh sorry I thought you... I’ll turn over. Throw those cushions over there. Careful, I’m a bit tender from last night, be a darling, the lube’s in the drawer.....no, next one down. No, don’t use that one, it’s rubbish, should have thrown it out, yes that’s it... yeah.. no, press the cap down and it will....that’s it, careful it’ll go everywhere... fuck! That was COLD! .... just... that’s it... bit lower... no put your legs between mine it’s hurting my knees... Oh god yeeeessss...... soooo fucking good. YES! Fuuuuuccckkk.... Mmmm... pull my hair and slap my bum a bit would you?”"
Proper laughing |
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"Your boss ringing half way through a sex session for you to book him a train ticket to London for the next morning at 6am and it’s now 10pm. Yes it did happen to me.... with an FB? "
No..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Haha. When the girl accidently farts while doing doggy lol |
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Male passing out with cramp and being put in recovery postion ...yep happened to me lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Grabbing what feels (in dim light) like the lube bottle - except it isn't (and sun cream bloody stings)
Getting your piercings horribly stuck between someone's teeth, or painfully entangled in their clothing
All that motion making you feel so queasy you have to sexily run off to throw up
Ditto the sudden onset of an upset stomach, more running off
Falling asleep mid-flow
Cramp, cramp and more cramp necessitating what looks like a badly performed rain dance round the room
Screaming when you cum - because you're hit with an orgasm headache of migraine proportions
Screaming when you're on your back at the spider you've just spotted above you on the ceiling
"
Oh the orgasm headache
Yeah they never show that |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
You put a towel down on the bed! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have a argument about who's sleeping on the wet patch x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wife/husband calls or text with a emergency at home..... |
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Trying to shag quietly on a slowly deflating airbed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In real situations lights could be out so they can hide you can't have that in porn |
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By *ucyfur77Woman
over a year ago
Pleasuretown |
Foreplay
Cramp
Wardrobe malfunction
A stray hair during oral |
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Doing battle with your jeans to get them off quick time, then tripping over them and crashing to the floor... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The bed breaking on you ... |
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By *zamiWoman
over a year ago
LONDON |
"Words from the woman’s lips ‘not there not there’ followed by ‘do you not know where my clit is?’
Quite common is this. "
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
DOOF-DOOF-DOOF. DER-DOO-DOO-DOOF. As she realises that Eastenders has only bloody started 2 minutes too early: stops riding you, taps your dick 3 times, gives it a quick good bye kiss and runs down stairs with the duvet, just like Lady Godiva trying to catch her runaway horse.
Ball ache aka epydidimitus: had it 
Shit, I've just broken a nail! Then sniffs it after it's been up yer bum. Be Afraid: be very afraid!
Vibrator batteries die.
Being asked to take her Rampant rabbit back to the shop. Because she's wore it out and is too ashamed to do it herself and wants you to ask, on her behalf ask if it's still covered by the warranty. All this whilst your ears are being crushed by her thighs.
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By *nnie24Woman
over a year ago
Basildon |
[Removed by poster at 05/09/18 22:03:36] |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"The bed breaking on you ... "
Breaking Bed...sounds like a Breaking Bad porno spoof. Any remember the hand job scene? |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"This made me giggle, so true"
Thanks for that! Although the bollock ache took a few days to settle down. They're alright now, but if you'd like to kiss 'em better...LOL. |
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This happened to a friend:
Fancies himself at the one-handed draw, reaches into bedside cabinet for a
Condom in the dark. Rips foil off with teeth. Won’t go on. Tries it the other way around. Still won’t go on. Mood fading. Any reason to need a condom fading. Puts light on.
Finds he’s been trying to roll on a cough sweet.
No, it really was a friend, not me.... |
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When you start your menstrual cycle early/late during the sex session. It can usually result in the one with Male gender running for the hills screaming like a banshee.....with not one ounce of consideration for the lady and yes it has happened to me...! |
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You hear the cat door go, followed by THAT miaow that tells you "I've just got you a mouse/vole/rat/rabbit and it is now loose in your kitchen...care to come and catch it NOW before it hides somewhere and dies?...giving off such a lingering foul odour that even nuclear bleach won't shift""P.S. I love you and I'd like some biscuits please" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Theses are all brilliant , made me smile |
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
"The awkward indecisive change of position... “how do you want me? This way round?... no... wait... let me move my leg.. hang on... oh, the other way... wait a minute, I’ll shuffle up the bed a bit... you’re barely on... there. How’s that? oh sorry I thought you... I’ll turn over. Throw those cushions over there. Careful, I’m a bit tender from last night, be a darling, the lube’s in the drawer.....no, next one down. No, don’t use that one, it’s rubbish, should have thrown it out, yes that’s it... yeah.. no, press the cap down and it will....that’s it, careful it’ll go everywhere... fuck! That was COLD! .... just... that’s it... bit lower... no put your legs between mine it’s hurting my knees... Oh god yeeeessss...... soooo fucking good. YES! Fuuuuuccckkk.... Mmmm... pull my hair and slap my bum a bit would you?”"
You've definitely been there!  |
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