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Being followed around in clubs
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Being followed around by single guys in clubs is really annoying and irritating.
Last night we were at Chams and this absolutely awful vile man followed us around the place all night. We didnt want to be rude at first, because he has a right to be in any room in there, like we do, but he sat really close and stared. He was a very overweight older man and his breathing was really heavy, as well as him being less than attractive and someone i wouldnt play with in a million years, in fact i disliked him so much he literally made me skin crawl and I found him physically repulsive.
We moved from the room we were in and went into the sauna, he was in there within 5 minutes, we moved again to the steam room, 5 minutes later.... jacuzzi, same thing. This carried on more or less all night and it was only in the couples room really that we got any respite (though I bet he was peering through the viewing mirror). We went into the sauna again nearing the end of the night and he came in and sat right next to us. I was sucking my guy at the time and we were both really enjoying it, but the guy just spoilt it by coming in. He then asked my guy if he could touch and he said no. Ill just sit here and watch then he said, and we had to move. He spoilt it for me too because there were some sexy guys in the club last night but I felt I couldnt play with them because I couldnt stand to be watched by this guy. I know I could have gone into a private room, but we enjoy the public rooms, thats what feels naughty for us.
Why do guys do this. I think everyone makes it quite obvious if they dont want to play with you, its this kind of behaviour that gives single guys in clubs a bad name. Yes there is the argument that if you play in a public room you are therefore game to be stared at, and I agree to some point but most of us have the manners for a little discretion if we feel the couple are uncomfortable.
All of us have probably had similar experiences, do you find its a common occurence  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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TO be perfectly honest ,thats why i have never been to a club ,dont want tarring with the same brush as him ,a couple i know well have asked me to go with them ,but dont want to feel like am at some cattle market , FRANKIE XX |
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If one individual is obviously following me, I find a simple "thanks for the attention mate, but I am really not interested and you're gonna be wasting your time following me around" works wonders.
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By *andKCouple
over a year ago
Norfolk |
Happened to us once, but have to say once I had a word in his ear he avoided us to the extent of going out of a room if we went in.
The staff are very good if you mention it to them though, remember they have a waiting list for single men and reserve the right to bar anyone who is being a nusiance.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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just wondering how this guy was to know his affect on you if you didn't tell him?
he possibly mistook your silence for interest.
it doesn't seem to be that you mind being followed around in a club, but it was this one gent that was off-putting...if it was someone you were genuinely interested in you wouldn't have minded being followed about.
i guess some would assume that if you were liberal enough to enjoy swinging, that you would be able to relay your likes and dislikes.
might be worth discussing with your husband how you could tackle this in future...perhaps you could leave the room and let your husband politely ask the chap not to follow? |
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One question to the OP thought...
What was more annoying to you, the fact you were being followed or the fact you were being followed by a munter?
I don't think I've ever heard anyone complain about receiving such attention from a fit bit of phwaor. |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
if that happens in our local club someone would have told him just exactly where to go... and the staff would have had a word in his ear as well to stop it or he would have been out on his ear..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One question to the OP thought...
What was more annoying to you, the fact you were being followed or the fact you were being followed by a munter?
I don't think I've ever heard anyone complain about receiving such attention from a fit bit of phwaor. "
Brad Pitt can heavy breath over me anyday. But I go agree with what's been said if you never told him to sod off then maybe he thought you was up for him watching and following you. I've been to clubs before and some get a bit too close just tell them your not interested they soon bugger off |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"TO be perfectly honest ,thats why i have never been to a club ,dont want tarring with the same brush as him ,a couple i know well have asked me to go with them ,but dont want to feel like am at some cattle market , FRANKIE XX"
well actually it is the ones who don't do that... and actually do talk to people that do get to play more often...
in fact a friend i know has a great trick to put the point across.... if people get too close she will announce that she will only play with people who took the time to find out what her name was....
and the looks on peoples face when she says that is priceless.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"if that happens in our local club someone would have told him just exactly where to go... and the staff would have had a word in his ear as well to stop it or he would have been out on his ear....."
does no-one speak up for themselves?
the guy is in a club where it isn't unknown to make your interest in people known...if the interest is not warranted, surely you just say 'thanks, but no thanks'...why should the poor chap be vilified for misreading the signs? |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"if that happens in our local club someone would have told him just exactly where to go... and the staff would have had a word in his ear as well to stop it or he would have been out on his ear.....
does no-one speak up for themselves?
the guy is in a club where it isn't unknown to make your interest in people known...if the interest is not warranted, surely you just say 'thanks, but no thanks'...why should the poor chap be vilified for misreading the signs?"
because in our club, they actually put out a guide on the tables of what "not" to do which was written by other members to help people.....
it was originally written as a lot of people were feeling intimadated by the actions of others... |
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By *adchickCouple
over a year ago
Cyprus |
"Being followed around by single guys in clubs is really annoying and irritating.
Last night we were at Chams and this absolutely awful vile man followed us around the place all night. We didnt want to be rude at first, because he has a right to be in any room in there, like we do, but he sat really close and stared. He was a very overweight older man and his breathing was really heavy, as well as him being less than attractive and someone i wouldnt play with in a million years, in fact i disliked him so much he literally made me skin crawl and I found him physically repulsive.
We moved from the room we were in and went into the sauna, he was in there within 5 minutes, we moved again to the steam room, 5 minutes later.... jacuzzi, same thing. This carried on more or less all night and it was only in the couples room really that we got any respite (though I bet he was peering through the viewing mirror). We went into the sauna again nearing the end of the night and he came in and sat right next to us. I was sucking my guy at the time and we were both really enjoying it, but the guy just spoilt it by coming in. He then asked my guy if he could touch and he said no. Ill just sit here and watch then he said, and we had to move. He spoilt it for me too because there were some sexy guys in the club last night but I felt I couldnt play with them because I couldnt stand to be watched by this guy. I know I could have gone into a private room, but we enjoy the public rooms, thats what feels naughty for us.
Why do guys do this. I think everyone makes it quite obvious if they dont want to play with you, its this kind of behaviour that gives single guys in clubs a bad name. Yes there is the argument that if you play in a public room you are therefore game to be stared at, and I agree to some point but most of us have the manners for a little discretion if we feel the couple are uncomfortable.
All of us have probably had similar experiences, do you find its a common occurence "
Its not common, especially at Chameleons, normally the muppets get the hint and move on......
However, if this bloke followed you ALL night and made it plainly obvious he was (for want of a better word) 'stalking' you....... then you should have gone to the staff who would have removed him from the club. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hope this guy your talking about isn't of here & read this even if he was a pain ass just because he wasn't your type doesn't give you right to say where this guy should go in the club @ the end he was told no you carn't touch & he excepted that. How would you feel if someone on here said something about you in the forum ???? 
* sits on coffin * |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"if that happens in our local club someone would have told him just exactly where to go... and the staff would have had a word in his ear as well to stop it or he would have been out on his ear.....
does no-one speak up for themselves?
the guy is in a club where it isn't unknown to make your interest in people known...if the interest is not warranted, surely you just say 'thanks, but no thanks'...why should the poor chap be vilified for misreading the signs?
because in our club, they actually put out a guide on the tables of what "not" to do which was written by other members to help people.....
it was originally written as a lot of people were feeling intimadated by the actions of others... "
...and is one of those instructions that single man shalt not show interest in couples or is it that they shall be able to read minds before gaining membership? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One question to the OP thought...
What was more annoying to you, the fact you were being followed or the fact you were being followed by a munter?
I don't think I've ever heard anyone complain about receiving such attention from a fit bit of phwaor. "
munter lol
if you fancied a guy who was following you you'd shag him lol
Didnt go lat night as i thought it would be dead with the snow, wish id gone now lol |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"if that happens in our local club someone would have told him just exactly where to go... and the staff would have had a word in his ear as well to stop it or he would have been out on his ear.....
does no-one speak up for themselves?
the guy is in a club where it isn't unknown to make your interest in people known...if the interest is not warranted, surely you just say 'thanks, but no thanks'...why should the poor chap be vilified for misreading the signs?
because in our club, they actually put out a guide on the tables of what "not" to do which was written by other members to help people.....
it was originally written as a lot of people were feeling intimadated by the actions of others...
...and is one of those instructions that single man shalt not show interest in couples or is it that they shall be able to read minds before gaining membership?"
no... it is more a case of following the rules set down by the club... they are explained before they join... it is on the membership card they have when they join... like i said there are leaflets around...
ignorance of the rules isn't an excuse.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
no... it is more a case of following the rules set down by the club... they are explained before they join... it is on the membership card they have when they join... like i said there are leaflets around...
ignorance of the rules isn't an excuse.."
ok, but you're still not saying what rule it is this guy has broken? he wasn't asked to leave them alone so how could he know his actions were causing offence?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can i also just point out to the OP that monday nights is bi night and that means the male and female half of the couple should be bi, so if you respected the rules of the club you wouldnt have been there in the first place as your profile states your male is straight  |
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"if that happens in our local club someone would have told him just exactly where to go... and the staff would have had a word in his ear as well to stop it or he would have been out on his ear.....
does no-one speak up for themselves?
the guy is in a club where it isn't unknown to make your interest in people known...if the interest is not warranted, surely you just say 'thanks, but no thanks'...why should the poor chap be vilified for misreading the signs?
because in our club, they actually put out a guide on the tables of what "not" to do which was written by other members to help people.....
it was originally written as a lot of people were feeling intimadated by the actions of others...
...and is one of those instructions that single man shalt not show interest in couples or is it that they shall be able to read minds before gaining membership?
no... it is more a case of following the rules set down by the club... they are explained before they join... it is on the membership card they have when they join... like i said there are leaflets around...
ignorance of the rules isn't an excuse.."
Get real Fabio... do you think this thread would have been posted if the guy looked like he should be advertising aftershave on the telly? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Best way to deal with them is be direct and tellthem your not interested. My fave place at chams is the round room but have learnt to go in with two at a time that way both ends are covered lol and if someone wants to join in then they have to ask but I hate octopus hands especially in jacuzzi just step in there to chill out and you get hands all over you without asking how very rude. |
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I don't like people following me around either. It makes me uncomfortable. If I want to play with someone I'm not backwards in letting them know. I don't appreciate being followed. I also find it difficult to be blunt about that though. I wish I didn't, but I do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't like people following me around either. It makes me uncomfortable. If I want to play with someone I'm not backwards in letting them know. I don't appreciate being followed. I also find it difficult to be blunt about that though. I wish I didn't, but I do. "
it's no different to being direct enough to saying yes.
just politely say thanks, but i'm not interested.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Firstly to the above post by Polo, if I fancied a guy at Chams or any club, I would not let him follow me around like a dog until I decided it was time to play with him - I would play with him there and then in whatever room I was in - so to answer that, he would not be following me all night!!!
regardless to how I come across on the forums, I am quite a shy person. I wouldnt say bugger off to a guy unless he actually touched me without my permission, then Id have no problem at all. I do try and be polite to people, and I accept they have every right to be in the club - it is not my club, I cannot say where others can go.
In hindsight I should have said to him "you appear to be following us, I am not interested in playing so please dont expect that or watch me" but I didnt want to be rude and I hoped that our continual getting up and moving on might be a nicer way to let him know we werent interested. I would never say, get lost you ugly fuck, cos essentially he wasnt rude to me at all, but I found him repulsive.
To other posters who have said why should the guy be vilified for misreading the signs - there was no way you could have misread any sign of mine. There was absolutely no way I ever gave off any signal he might have been welcome. I visibly shrank away from him and got up and left - you dont need to be an expert in body language, it was obvious, but what I didnt do, was voice it, so I accept maybe I was wrong there.
And I have no idea whether or not he is on this forum, I never spoke to him at all or even give him eye contact |
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"I don't like people following me around either. It makes me uncomfortable. If I want to play with someone I'm not backwards in letting them know. I don't appreciate being followed. I also find it difficult to be blunt about that though. I wish I didn't, but I do. "
I say this in all seriousness.
'If' someone doesn't have the ability to say two simple words (no thanks) to another human being, I don't believe it is fair for them to go to a club. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yes but thats easy when they ask - you then say no, which is what we did when he did actually ask. That was fine.
But when they follow you, at first you arent really sure if they are following you, do they just happen to be in the room you are in, that kind of thing, you wanna be sure. When they dont speak its harder I think.
I also didnt want to report him to the staff at Chams because I didnt want him thrown out, just to not follow me. In hindsight I should have just said, please dont follow us, and if he'd said, im not, get over yourself, then at least he might have stopped. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't like people following me around either. It makes me uncomfortable. If I want to play with someone I'm not backwards in letting them know. I don't appreciate being followed. I also find it difficult to be blunt about that though. I wish I didn't, but I do.
I say this in all seriousness.
'If' someone doesn't have the ability to say two simple words (no thanks) to another human being, I don't believe it is fair for them to go to a club."
I totally agree! i wouldnt consider meeting anyone in any circumstance until i'd got the grasp of the word 'no'!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Perhaps the answer is to go on couples only night saturday.
Simples.  "
We only ever went to a club on couples nights.
Trace once played with a doorman who worked there,who we vaguely knew,when he had finished his shift.
From then on,whenever we attended,we were stalked by one or two of the doormen.
That's just one of the reasons we no longer go to clubs.
XXXX |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never been to Chams, but heard alot about it.
Does it not have a social area with a bar where people can mingle or just make some eye contact first? Of course, you cant't legislate for those that don't enthuse interest in a social setting, or simply just want to watch. I guess they will always "tag along". |
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By *ansue35Couple
over a year ago
yorkshire |
HI
Am fairly shy and have had this happen to me, I couldn't say go away.
I love going to clubs. But i am lucky Ian has the ability to say well, go away in nice terms LOL. which I reward hubby with a big kiss lol
Sue |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've never been to Chams, but heard alot about it.
Does it not have a social area with a bar where people can mingle or just make some eye contact first? Of course, you cant't legislate for those that don't enthuse interest in a social setting, or simply just want to watch. I guess they will always "tag along". "
yes it has a bar area, the smoking area i find is the most sociable place, thing is some people are to shy to make contact so they find it easier to walk round and see whats going off, see someone they like and follow her rather than chat |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Most guys who come up and chat to me, I will chat back to, even if Im not interested in playing with them. You cant ignore anyone who speaks to you, or say straight away, no thanks, when all theyve said is hello how are you. Some are really friendly guys and are nice to chat to but I dont want to play with. I will chat but I wont flirt. If they ask to play Ill say, sorry, im really flattered but no thanks. Guys I fancy who chat to me, I flirt outrageously with and then play when we are ready. Some guys I really dislike the look of, and I wont give them eye contact even. I will say a curt hello if they speak but then turn away, its obvious Im not interested.
Its so much easier if someone asks to play, you can say yay or nay, easy, but when they dont speak but stalk, I do think its a lot harder - im gonna have to get braver I think.
In response to the "you shouldnt go to clubs if you cant say no" then I am relatively new to swinging, it takes time to learn the ropes and the etiquette and Im not a rude overbearing person, im quite shy, Im not a bolshy type who says no thanks if a guys only just said hello to me. I certainly do say no if Im asked  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like normal night club with sex rooms rather than a dance floor.
I heard its quite large, maybe lacks intimacy. Used to go to The Townhouse in the wirral a few years ago. Quite small which gave it small cosy feel, which promoted chilled chatty environment. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Oh and im not suggesting anyone is rude and overbearing or bolshy on this forum, my post could be misinterpreted but its too long to retype. But hopefully you can get the gist of what I mean |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
In response to the "you shouldnt go to clubs if you cant say no" then I am relatively new to swinging, it takes time to learn the ropes and the etiquette and Im not a rude overbearing person, im quite shy, Im not a bolshy type who says no thanks if a guys only just said hello to me. I certainly do say no if Im asked "
then be prepared for a guy who cant read no...and don't blame him for it either.
as i suggested, it may be if you're shy that you find a way or relaying that message to your partner so he can have a subtle polite word |
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"....
In hindsight I should have said to him "you appear to be following us, I am not interested in playing so please dont expect that or watch me" ..."
Hindsight is often the wisest teacher.
Whatever the situation at a party, club or even a meet, I believe it is the duty of the person who feels uncomfortable about something to rationally say so. Once this has been done then the onus is well and truly on the other person to respect what has been said.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Its making an issue though isnt it, out of something that neednt be. The guy knew we werent interested, I accept the first two or three times he might not have caught on, but he would have known afterwards. Shy is probably the wrong word actually, not wishing to be rude to anyone is more the point.
I think most guys pick up the signals, I can ask the guys here, if you sat next to a girl in the jacuzzi say, and she visibly got up and moved over to the other side, what would you think? Would you think well she hasnt actually verbalised a no, so its ok to keep sitting next to her, or would you think hmmm shes not interested? |
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"I don't like people following me around either. It makes me uncomfortable. If I want to play with someone I'm not backwards in letting them know. I don't appreciate being followed. I also find it difficult to be blunt about that though. I wish I didn't, but I do.
it's no different to being direct enough to saying yes.
just politely say thanks, but i'm not interested.
"
The trouble with that is that they never say that they're interested. They just happen to be behind you. I'm uncomfortable telling someone that I'm not interested when they haven't said that they are.
I don't like the whole "single females are like rocking horse shit/holy grail/hens teeth" thing and lording it round a club telling people I'm not interested when they may not be interested in me makes me feel hugely uncomfortable. It's like I think I'm a cut above when I absolutely don't think that at all.
It doesn't really matter to me whether a guy is good looking or not, whether I want to play with him or whether I don't. If he's following me round in a club then he could be Brad Pitt but I still wouldn't want to play with him. I need to be comfortable and having someone following me round like some sort of lost puppy dog is not attractive regardless of appearance. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"....
In hindsight I should have said to him "you appear to be following us, I am not interested in playing so please dont expect that or watch me" ...
Hindsight is often the wisest teacher.
Whatever the situation at a party, club or even a meet, I believe it is the duty of the person who feels uncomfortable about something to rationally say so. Once this has been done then the onus is well and truly on the other person to respect what has been said.
"
Yeah this is a really good post |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Its making an issue though isnt it, out of something that neednt be. The guy knew we werent interested, I accept the first two or three times he might not have caught on, but he would have known afterwards. Shy is probably the wrong word actually, not wishing to be rude to anyone is more the point.
I think most guys pick up the signals, I can ask the guys here, if you sat next to a girl in the jacuzzi say, and she visibly got up and moved over to the other side, what would you think? Would you think well she hasnt actually verbalised a no, so its ok to keep sitting next to her, or would you think hmmm shes not interested?"
if it wanst an issue, why post it? clearly, it is an issue.
you're making assumptions about the other person too.
you learnt something, do something with that so it doesnt get repeated next time x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't like people following me around either. It makes me uncomfortable. If I want to play with someone I'm not backwards in letting them know. I don't appreciate being followed. I also find it difficult to be blunt about that though. I wish I didn't, but I do.
it's no different to being direct enough to saying yes.
just politely say thanks, but i'm not interested.
The trouble with that is that they never say that they're interested. They just happen to be behind you. I'm uncomfortable telling someone that I'm not interested when they haven't said that they are.
I don't like the whole "single females are like rocking horse shit/holy grail/hens teeth" thing and lording it round a club telling people I'm not interested when they may not be interested in me makes me feel hugely uncomfortable. It's like I think I'm a cut above when I absolutely don't think that at all.
It doesn't really matter to me whether a guy is good looking or not, whether I want to play with him or whether I don't. If he's following me round in a club then he could be Brad Pitt but I still wouldn't want to play with him. I need to be comfortable and having someone following me round like some sort of lost puppy dog is not attractive regardless of appearance. "
That is exactly how I feel - I dont want to appear up my own arse if I say no thanks when they havent asked. I also do agree though with the ladies who say be upfront, give them no doubt at all - just wish I didnt feel uncomfortable doing that |
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"Its making an issue though isnt it, out of something that neednt be. The guy knew we werent interested, I accept the first two or three times he might not have caught on, but he would have known afterwards. Shy is probably the wrong word actually, not wishing to be rude to anyone is more the point.
I think most guys pick up the signals, I can ask the guys here, if you sat next to a girl in the jacuzzi say, and she visibly got up and moved over to the other side, what would you think? Would you think well she hasnt actually verbalised a no, so its ok to keep sitting next to her, or would you think hmmm shes not interested?"
He obviously didn't see the signs as clearly as you thought you were giving them... or else why would he ask if it was OK to touch? He was respectful enough to ask that and to accept the answer.
You have already said... in hindsight you would have been better to say something. If you can't think what to say, just imagine how you would like someone to tell you... or as someone else has suggested, ask your hubby to tell him.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Its making an issue though isnt it, out of something that neednt be.
if it wanst an issue, why post it? clearly, it is an issue.
you're making assumptions about the other person too.
you learnt something, do something with that so it doesnt get repeated next time x"
the issue meaning he may have been asked to leave the club and whilst I didnt like him following me, I wouldnt have wanted him thrown out. You are right though, I have learnt from it, so its a good learning curve, so Im glad I did post this cos your views are appreciated |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"TO be perfectly honest ,thats why i have never been to a club ,dont want tarring with the same brush as him ,a couple i know well have asked me to go with them ,but dont want to feel like am at some cattle market , FRANKIE XX
well actually it is the ones who don't do that... and actually do talk to people that do get to play more often...
in fact a friend i know has a great trick to put the point across.... if people get too close she will announce that she will only play with people who took the time to find out what her name was....
i do something similar, if someone cant be bothered to say a simple hello in the bar, then i dont play with them in the rooms...a few have been shocked when i tell them why i wont play with them....but just because im in a swingers club does not make me easy prey!!
and the looks on peoples face when she says that is priceless...."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"TO be perfectly honest ,thats why i have never been to a club ,dont want tarring with the same brush as him ,a couple i know well have asked me to go with them ,but dont want to feel like am at some cattle market , FRANKIE XX
well actually it is the ones who don't do that... and actually do talk to people that do get to play more often...
in fact a friend i know has a great trick to put the point across.... if people get too close she will announce that she will only play with people who took the time to find out what her name was....
and the looks on peoples face when she says that is priceless...."
noted. ta |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Its making an issue though isnt it, out of something that neednt be.
if it wanst an issue, why post it? clearly, it is an issue.
you're making assumptions about the other person too.
you learnt something, do something with that so it doesnt get repeated next time x
the issue meaning he may have been asked to leave the club and whilst I didnt like him following me, I wouldnt have wanted him thrown out. You are right though, I have learnt from it, so its a good learning curve, so Im glad I did post this cos your views are appreciated "
looking at your pics you can hardly blame the guy. lol. bootylicious x |
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".....
The trouble with that is that they never say that they're interested. They just happen to be behind you. I'm uncomfortable telling someone that I'm not interested when they haven't said that they are.
"
Then try...
Sorry, nothing personal, I am just not comfortable being followed around by people. Have a nice night.
or
Hi, can I just ask you for a bit more space, thanks.
or
I think you might be better off behind someone else, this isn't my thing....
or
I have noticed you a few times, if you don't mind me asking, are you sussing out if I am interested or not?........... awwww sorry mate I'd hate you to waste your time, it's a no thanks but thank you for the compliment.
or
I'm flattered by your attention, but I'd like to walk around on my own. Have a nice evening chick.
or one of another hundred or so options. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
To be fair to the OP, some single guys in Rio's Spa (not sure about clubs as I've never been to one) don't seem to be exactly proficient in English. I suspect one or two who go may lack the basics of conversational skills too.
However, it is very peculiar and uncomfortable when they may sit in the some jacuzzi and steam room as you, not bothered to make any eye contact or to utter a word, then when you get up and walk, they tailgate you! It feels rather intimidating.
So any guys who are in the habit of doing this, please at least make eye contact and smile. Better if you tried to make conversation, no matter how rudimentary. Otherwise, the stalking is very creepy!
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"Can i also just point out to the OP that monday nights is bi night and that means the male and female half of the couple should be bi, so if you respected the rules of the club you wouldnt have been there in the first place as your profile states your male is straight "
Just checked the Chams website and nope...can't find this rule??????  |
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".....
The trouble with that is that they never say that they're interested. They just happen to be behind you. I'm uncomfortable telling someone that I'm not interested when they haven't said that they are.
Then try...
Sorry, nothing personal, I am just not comfortable being followed around by people. Have a nice night.
or
Hi, can I just ask you for a bit more space, thanks.
or
I think you might be better off behind someone else, this isn't my thing....
or
I have noticed you a few times, if you don't mind me asking, are you sussing out if I am interested or not?........... awwww sorry mate I'd hate you to waste your time, it's a no thanks but thank you for the compliment.
or
I'm flattered by your attention, but I'd like to walk around on my own. Have a nice evening chick.
or one of another hundred or so options."
Yup... all of those would be great and practice makes perfect... I'm a novice to the club scene and I dare say when I've been more often I'll feel more able to use one of those lines. However, until I get comfortable with the eye contact thing, I'll still be there looking at my feet, panicking inside, listening to my sensible head and my 22 year old not so sensible head giving me conflicting advice all at the same time.
People do things at different rates and sometimes it would just be nice to be able to take things at your own pace rather than have everyone assume that you're an old hand at the club scene, 100% comfortable with it and able to deal with every situation that is thrown your way.
I like the club thing. I've just not been often enough to be completely cool with it. I'd like to be able to go more often but the logistics of that aren't ideal living where I do. I have no doubt that I'd get way more able to deal with it given the practice.  |
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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago
Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else |
" I can ask the guys here, if you sat next to a girl in the jacuzzi say, and she visibly got up and moved over to the other side, what would you think? Would you think well she hasnt actually verbalised a no, so its ok to keep sitting next to her, or would you think hmmm shes not interested?"
I would assume she was not interested, but I'm not representative of the knuckle dragging cretinous selfish element of the male gender. I know this because I have cringed at the behaviour I've seen on my few visits to clubs.
I think OP needs a couple of codewords with which to allow hubby to deal with situations.
"I'm going to powder my nose" = "prep that one for my delectation"
"I'm dying for a slash" = "aaarggh, get rid of this baboon"
...For example.
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".....
Yup... all of those would be great and practice makes perfect... I'm a novice to the club scene and I dare say when I've been more often I'll feel more able to use one of those lines. However, until I get comfortable with the eye contact thing, I'll still be there looking at my feet, panicking inside, listening to my sensible head and my 22 year old not so sensible head giving me conflicting advice all at the same time.
People do things at different rates and sometimes it would just be nice to be able to take things at your own pace rather than have everyone assume that you're an old hand at the club scene, 100% comfortable with it and able to deal with every situation that is thrown your way.
I like the club thing. I've just not been often enough to be completely cool with it. I'd like to be able to go more often but the logistics of that aren't ideal living where I do. I have no doubt that I'd get way more able to deal with it given the practice. "
I accept people do things at their own pace... at least I accept people will try new things, get more involved, push a few boundaries at their own pace. In fact I would go one further and say they should only do such things at their own pace.
I do not accept that people need to be given time to learn to say 'no thanks' (or whatever else is needed to suit a situation they feel uncomfortable about) and thus should be allowed to learn to vocalise their objection at their own pace.
I have no idea (nor do I ever want to find out) what it would feel like to be in a sexual situation and then later discover someone had just put up and shut up with a situation because they hadn't been given enough time to learn to say 'no thanks' yet.
I can only imagine it would be far more devastating than any possible embarrassment caused by saying it at the time.
“yeah about that time at the club, I actually hated it… I only went along with that as I was a novice and you hadn’t given me time to learn to say “no” yet” 
It's not fair on other people.
If someone isn't big enough to say 'I don't like this can you stop'... then I do not believe they are big enough to be there in the first place.
We all learnt to say "no thanks" years ago... if we hadn't we'd all have a cupboard full of shoe polish and rain guard. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
We all learnt to say "no thanks" years ago... if we hadn't we'd all have a cupboard full of shoe polish and rain guard."
...but rainguard is good for leather shoes! you cant have enough! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"left hook followed by one to the gut.
then as he is on the way down the good ole uppercut.
he bother you no more!"
excellent answer..a man you dont fancy looks at you...take the fooker out...his fault for being ugly....it's natural selection after all! |
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In those circumstances, I don't have any problems in saying no. At all. I wouldn't put myself in a situation that involved me 'going along with something' because I wasn't comfortable nor would I put up and shut up.
I think that's a different thing to being followed round in a club by someone who hasn't stated that they're interested or asked if you'd like to play with them. If you're big enough to go to a club then surely you should be big enough to come right out and ask someone if they'd like to play with you rather than follow them around in the off chance they might want to? I would be more than happy to say no thank you at that point. It's not about learning to say no thanks... I'm very capable of that when asked a question. It's the creeping round after me that I don't like. I don't think it's an acceptable way to approach someone in any circumstances. If some random followed me in the street I'd be equally perturbed by it. That it happens in a club appears to be acceptable. To me, it's not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"left hook followed by one to the gut.
then as he is on the way down the good ole uppercut.
he bother you no more!"
Did you read the site terms here before joining (especially 5.1)
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"
In those circumstances, I don't have any problems in saying no. At all. I wouldn't put myself in a situation that involved me 'going along with something' because I wasn't comfortable nor would I put up and shut up. "
But you are.
Whether someone is trying to stuff their cock in you or not, you are putting up and shutting up if you fail to tell someone you would like them to stop whatever it is they are doing... and allow it to continue making you feel uncomfortable and thinking it is not acceptable.
They won't know that until you tell them.
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By *ibrosMan
over a year ago
harrow |
Body language and non verbal communication isn't always understood. You can try to make it clear, but not everyone will get the message.
I can understand the OP being reluctant to appear rude by asking the guy to leave them alone. Its just experience. Next time you'll know what to do. Get your partner to say something.
But guys, why oh why, will you not try to talk to couples? Even just to ask, 'is this ok?' |
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"
In those circumstances, I don't have any problems in saying no. At all. I wouldn't put myself in a situation that involved me 'going along with something' because I wasn't comfortable nor would I put up and shut up.
But you are.
Whether someone is trying to stuff their cock in you or not, you are putting up and shutting up if you fail to tell someone you would like them to stop whatever it is they are doing... and allow it to continue making you feel uncomfortable and thinking it is not acceptable.
They won't know that until you tell them.
"
Hmmmm... okay, when you put it like that I guess I am. Next time I go I shall pick one of your lines and use it.
I still don't get why men think that its a good way to approach someone though... but I dare say me feeling uncomfortable with it is my problem.
However, I imagine some women like that, I have a vague recollection of our chat after the first time I went to a club and the way someone approached me then wasn't my thing at all but it was totally yours. Different strokes and all that and people don't read minds so what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another so maybe I should be more tolerant with that in mind but I tend to be totally involved in what I'm thinking and feeling because I'm out of my comfort zone. Again... practice makes perfect.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bollocks to following anyone around like a lost sheep, apart from selling myself as a prize bell end it would be such a waste of a night! Thinking of the three main options for me in a club, which are 1)Playing 2)Having a good old natter in the bar area 3) Standing around just watching every other bugger without speaking like a modern day Lurch.
Number three just sounds so unfathomably shite given the other two, would anyone agree? |
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" Bollocks to following anyone around like a lost sheep, apart from selling myself as a prize bell end it would be such a waste of a night! Thinking of the three main options for me in a club, which are 1)Playing 2)Having a good old natter in the bar area 3) Standing around just watching every other bugger without speaking like a modern day Lurch.
Number three just sounds so unfathomably shite given the other two, would anyone agree?"
100%
I'm way more likely to play with someone who's actually bothered to have a conversation with me. |
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By *otswbabeCouple
over a year ago
north cornwall |
its better than being stalked around asda like i was a couple of weeks ago... had to be accompanied to my car. was wearing combats too, when you see news reports of the nutters with guns who go on a rampage they often wear combats.... eeek!
in a club, no problem... just say no thanks! |
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By *mcouple1Couple
over a year ago
nr warrington |
its simple to resolve just say to the guy can you leave us alone please? then if he follows you again just say it once more . i do it all the time when we get some1 like that. If that doesn work just say to him listen pal i,ve asked twice and u ignored it so this time will you just fuck off before i get the owners to kick you out, works everytime.
And FRANKIE we r gonna drag u kicking and screaming to partners soon xxxxxxxxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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people like that just make us feel sick and give single males a bad rep!
most males just want a good time and most cpls and females dont want to meet then because of ppl that are pushy and creepy.
we havent been to a club when we travel across because of things like this.
m&j x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i have found in clubs most guys, if you say no thanks they take it as no thanks and i very rarely have problems in clubs
however you do get the odd pushy guy, im never rude first time, after all if i went to club and got no attention id be very upset lol so i always give a polite no thanks first time, if they dont listern to that the second time is a firmer "ive already said no thanks will you please leave me alone now" that usually gets ride of the few guyds who didnt listern first time, if for some odd reason that dont work they get a very firm fuck off
Saying that you do get the guys who think no thnaks means ...im ok for now, leave you alone but next time they see you try again lol
what i find most shocking about the OPs post is that she went to the club with her fella and even tho this guy was making her feel uncomfy at no point did her husband turn round and tell him to stop following |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Can i also just point out to the OP that monday nights is bi night and that means the male and female half of the couple should be bi, so if you respected the rules of the club you wouldnt have been there in the first place as your profile states your male is straight "
Yay yipppeee my first "look at my profile and search every single word in an attempt to try and pull it to pieces" post - I hope you enjoyed it, please tell me you did the full hog of it and looked through my friends list as well as my verifications - yipppeee fame at last lol.
In answer to it, I do know Monday is bi night - I go a lot of Mondays, I certainly have noticed!!!! There is no rule at chams on being bisexual on a Monday night. Bi night means that if you go on this night, then go at your own peril and dont be offended by seeing any same sex action. If you want to clarify that, please feel free to ring up Chams and check |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"if that happens in our local club someone would have told him just exactly where to go... and the staff would have had a word in his ear as well to stop it or he would have been out on his ear.....
does no-one speak up for themselves?
the guy is in a club where it isn't unknown to make your interest in people known...if the interest is not warranted, surely you just say 'thanks, but no thanks'...why should the poor chap be vilified for misreading the signs?
because in our club, they actually put out a guide on the tables of what "not" to do which was written by other members to help people.....
it was originally written as a lot of people were feeling intimadated by the actions of others... "
Mindreading is a prerequisite at your club is it?
Why not just tell the guy that his atentions aren't wanted and if he doesn't comply inform the staff? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well if it's bi night and your bi then why should you not go. I've been to bi night with a straight male before, hate rules about clubs bloody silly.
Yes we will always get unwanted attention from peeps at clubs that's why I don't go anymore |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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And we have all at times had unwanted attention by unsavoury people and not told them, give her a break and stop pulling someone profile apart, it's not cool guys |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thank you Holly, sometimes I do despair at that, the profile picking stunt, really drives me mad - but I just wish that I was a ball breaking super confident woman who told every guy in a club that they didnt want their attention and strode around the club like Zelda Warrior Princess - unfortunately im not like that and im big enough to admit it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Can i also just point out to the OP that monday nights is bi night and that means the male and female half of the couple should be bi, so if you respected the rules of the club you wouldnt have been there in the first place as your profile states your male is straight
Yay yipppeee my first "look at my profile and search every single word in an attempt to try and pull it to pieces" post - I hope you enjoyed it, please tell me you did the full hog of it and looked through my friends list as well as my verifications - yipppeee fame at last lol.
In answer to it, I do know Monday is bi night - I go a lot of Mondays, I certainly have noticed!!!! There is no rule at chams on being bisexual on a Monday night. Bi night means that if you go on this night, then go at your own peril and dont be offended by seeing any same sex action. If you want to clarify that, please feel free to ring up Chams and check "
i used to work for the owner i dont need to ring them up and ask lol
monday nights is bi nights and you re supposed to be both bi, men have been refused membership or asked to leave for not being bi, tho lots of straight men do go mondays simply because its cheaper and easier membership for them, but they not supposed to
P.S nice sarky reply made me giggle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's easy to tell a bloke where to go on messages etc and hide behind fab but when your in a club it's not so easy, I did once tell a bloke where to go at a club and I was on my own and he turned, luckily I knew the owners and he got kicked out but some women may not be as lucky, how do you know the man is waiting for you outside the club, it's best not to cause a scene, just smile and say no thanks and most men will thankyou and move on xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just thing straigh guys be them single or part of a couple spoil it for the genuine bi men, lots of bi guys used to play in open rooms, its the only night they get the chance to play openly with other guys and having straight men in there, turning their noses up or getting offended by seeing bi guys play or touch them have over the years made then more play in private room, straight guys and couples with bi females can openly play any night of the week i just think bi nights should be just that
you my not agree with my opinions but its an open forum and im allowed to post them |
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By *mf4BxJCouple
over a year ago
edinburgh |
This is the sort of situation I'd be leaving my man to deal with! We have only been to a club once but had code words at the ready for such a situation.
And even if he did make your skin crawl I don't suppose you have much say over who watches you when you're playing in a public room. I'm assuming there were private rooms? Whilst it's a turn on being watched if it's only attractive people you want to watch you, you might struggle! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you went on a Monday, has it occured to the OP that this guy might have been after your fella?
And for the record you do not Have to be bi or even be part of a bi couple to go to chams on a Monday. |
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By *umpkinMan
over a year ago
near the sounds of the wimborne quarter jack! |
"Can i also just point out to the OP that monday nights is bi night and that means the male and female half of the couple should be bi, so if you respected the rules of the club you wouldnt have been there in the first place as your profile states your male is straight
Just checked the Chams website and nope...can't find this rule?????? "
I`ve only ever been to Chams on Bi Nights and I`m straight and so is the lady that accompanies me! I think the term they use is Bi Friendly or Bi Appreciative or similar. If there is a rule, I`ve never seen it enforced. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If you went on a Monday, has it occured to the OP that this guy might have been after your fella?
And for the record you do not Have to be bi or even be part of a bi couple to go to chams on a Monday."
We've had this conversation and I did say to him that I was sure it was him the guy was interested in. He did ask to play in the end and he said to my guy, can I touch her and my guy said no, he said Ill sit here and watch then and we said well we are going and we left the room |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I have to ask and i know its been asked once in this thread...why didnt your bloke deal with it??? Apart from that im sitting on the fence "
Because he is the same as me, he will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, in fact hes much nicer than me but extremely laid back and certainly not confrontational unless he really has to be. All you ladies who attend clubs know what its like. I am approached constantly at the club, its not a one off, everywhere I sit I get guys walking past and saying hi etc, if we said no thanks to everyone that just said hi to me, we would be hoarse by the end of the night. And please dont think im being up my own arse now, im not, it happens to every lady who goes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have to ask and i know its been asked once in this thread...why didnt your bloke deal with it??? Apart from that im sitting on the fence
Because he is the same as me, he will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, in fact hes much nicer than me but extremely laid back and certainly not confrontational unless he really has to be. All you ladies who attend clubs know what its like. I am approached constantly at the club, its not a one off, everywhere I sit I get guys walking past and saying hi etc, if we said no thanks to everyone that just said hi to me, we would be hoarse by the end of the night. And please dont think im being up my own arse now, im not, it happens to every lady who goes "
Yeah ...it's fuckin' hell
I have VERY strong opinions on this post and the whole nasty double undertones that run through it. Hopefully it will be gone soon and I won't keep nipping in to see what others have added.
I do have one Q tho.......
Did you accept that a man you don't know asks your 'guy' if he can touch you ? I'd have thought he should ask you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If i was with a woman and we kept getting followed around i would have had to say something. Sometimes its best to be blunt. I would have told him we found him unattractive and would have point blank asked him to leave us be and wished him a good night. If he hadn't taken the hint i would have complained as it is intimidation and management wouldn't want people put off attending. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I have to ask and i know its been asked once in this thread...why didnt your bloke deal with it??? Apart from that im sitting on the fence
Because he is the same as me, he will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, in fact hes much nicer than me but extremely laid back and certainly not confrontational unless he really has to be. All you ladies who attend clubs know what its like. I am approached constantly at the club, its not a one off, everywhere I sit I get guys walking past and saying hi etc, if we said no thanks to everyone that just said hi to me, we would be hoarse by the end of the night. And please dont think im being up my own arse now, im not, it happens to every lady who goes
Yeah ...it's fuckin' hell
I have VERY strong opinions on this post and the whole nasty double undertones that run through it. Hopefully it will be gone soon and I won't keep nipping in to see what others have added.
I do have one Q tho.......
Did you accept that a man you don't know asks your 'guy' if he can touch you ? I'd have thought he should ask you. "
Lol yes Granny I did think about that, asking someone else if they could touch my body, bloody cheek, but to be honest I just wanted to get out of the room.
And yes there are some very nasty double undertones running through this thread |
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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago
dirtybigbadsgirlville |
"I have to ask and i know its been asked once in this thread...why didnt your bloke deal with it??? Apart from that im sitting on the fence
Because he is the same as me, he will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, in fact hes much nicer than me but extremely laid back and certainly not confrontational unless he really has to be. All you ladies who attend clubs know what its like. I am approached constantly at the club, its not a one off, everywhere I sit I get guys walking past and saying hi etc, if we said no thanks to everyone that just said hi to me, we would be hoarse by the end of the night. And please dont think im being up my own arse now, im not, it happens to every lady who goes "
Well as it upset and disturbed you so much then maybe this was the occasion he needed to be confrontational? Or maybe just a "no" from him would suffice? |
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To be fair... the OP has some time ago said 'in hindsight' something should have been said to the guy.
I actually don't think it should be left to a parnter to say something. If it's not quite right for a man to ask the male half of a couple if they can touch the female, then I personally don't think it's quite right for him to say who can't.... appearances an' all.
We are all adults... allegedly. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yes you are right Polo, I should have said something at the point of seeing him for the third time in the room we had moved to, so im definitely gonna be a bit braver with that and use one of your phrases.
The men asking Mr if they can touch me, I have had this happen before. Dont know what the thinking behind it is, but some guys do ask him if its ok to play. As a couple we do have an agreement that we will only play if both of us are happy with the other party. He knew for definite I disliked the guy on this occasion and if I am in a club and I see a guy I dont like, I tend to say, ooo dont like him, and he just knows me, he knows the way I tense if someone sits next to me that I dont want to play with. I can tell with him too, his face is very expressive |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel so sorry for the majority of single guys, they just cannot win sometimes. I have been going to clubs for nearly 15 years and do not have the problems with single guys others seem to have. Dont know if its because my husband is a stronger character than other ladies partners or it is me who is strong enough to get rid of somebody I am not interested in. There are also ladies who complain when they are "followed about" or harrassed , but are equally upset if they get no attention at all. |
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By *ohnsusCouple
over a year ago
Chesterfield |
This has been an interesting thread and has raised a few issues. The OP it would appear now knows that it would have been better to have politely, but firmly suggested that they weren't interested in this guy at an earlier stage, for the sake of all concerned, Indeed, when you are so in tune with each others feelings it's suprising that neither of you felt able to articulate your non interest albeit it's understandable that some don't like confrontation. Allowing it to continue spoiled your night.
In fairness to the guy he did eventually ask whether he could touch and took it with grace when declined (not always the case you find), and there's the rub (if you'll pardon the pun lol) that clubs can be just as difficult for the single guy. If they immediately jump in and ask to play they're too pushy and if they bide their time and watch with interest the're stalking. Communication is key in these situations and don't rely on body language/signs, if you don't want to play then say. |
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