FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Swinging vs Monogamy!
Swinging vs Monogamy!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ooh, that's an interesting one. I'll be watching this!
Me too, I forgot to mention though that it is NOT to be discussed between couples  "
That depends on the relationship you have. I'd have no problem discussing it with Jaz.
In the sense of monogamy as having one sexual partners- I think not. However, I do know of people that are perfectly happy in polyamorous relationships, so I don't see why the option doesn't exist in wider society. |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
Given that people live a lot longer these days it's no surprise that sex with the same person can eventually get boring.
However, only the most honest and strongest marriages can survive swinging.
The relationship must be solid and both must genuinely want it, not do it to keep the other happy.
Swinging is not a panacea. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do people think swinging proves to some extent that Monogamy is an unrealistic social construct?...discuss"
If that was true, everyone would be swingers. But they're not. |
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"Do people think swinging proves to some extent that Monogamy is an unrealistic social construct?...discuss"
Like most things in relationships it is what the two people involved in that relationship decide is best for them.
some need monogamy, some don't, some don't even have sex and are ok with that.
we are all different and it is a question of finding what works for you both, both agreeing and then sticking to it.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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long term relationships do become a bit boring on the sex side, tho you may love each other!
swinging adds some spice and can be good in a relationship as long as both partners are in agreement
works for us lol   |
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We think sex with others is amazing fun, but it's a lifestyle choice ... not a 'fix' for boredom or broken relationships. You're either in or not ... you have to live it. There should never be jealousy or nerves (except the lovely nerves before a meet). |
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"We think sex with others is amazing fun, but it's a lifestyle choice ... not a 'fix' for boredom or broken relationships. You're either in or not ... you have to live it. There should never be jealousy or nerves (except the lovely nerves before a meet). "
I agree, we didn't arrive at this point because it was getting boring either, totally the opposite! 
Up until that point we'd both been 100% monogomous and 100% faithful. (10 years) and we were perfectly happy like that, and could live happily like that for the rest of our lives.
Now though, we're not monogamous but we are still 100% faithful. 
I think swinging would destroy more relationships than it would save if everyone tried it - there are a lot of insecure, unhappy people out there.
D |
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"I think swinging would destroy more relationships than it would save if everyone tried it - there are a lot of insecure, unhappy people out there.
D"
I know ... it annoys the hell out of us how people treat each other because of their own dumb insecurities. Like .. "hmm, I'm insecure so I'm going to make my partner's life a living hell of jealousy and anger". Lots of people we know have had relationships like that. Absolutely pointless being together if you're not even allowed to check out someone else's ass! :D hehe. Restrictions on humans is never a good thing. I don't mean sex with others .. I mean simple things like still finding other people attractive. How many idiots genuinely believe their partner doesn't fancy anyone else? Oh well ... :D |
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"We think sex with others is amazing fun, but it's a lifestyle choice ... not a 'fix' for boredom or broken relationships. You're either in or not ... you have to live it. There should never be jealousy or nerves (except the lovely nerves before a meet). "
Very true. Find it interesting that no one has mentioned couple that may be sexually incompatible though.. what about an open minded couple where one has a much higher sex drive than the other. Doesn't mean they are fixing a broken relationship necessarily. |
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I find it interesting the couples who appear to use swinging as a fixit for their boring sex lives: their words. Doesn't bode well does it, as the novelty will eventually wear off: what then?
It's easy to believe our liberal sexual choices is "the" way. As all things different strokes for different folks.
Until the age of 44 I'd only been with my husband. Should I marry again I'd "forsake" all others. If I felt the need to see others there'd be something fundamentally wrong in the marriage and tine for me to bail!
Before anyone starts getting uppity it's what I would do, not a slight on anyones relationship! |
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"How many idiots genuinely believe their partner doesn't fancy anyone else? Oh well ... :D"
I can HONESTLY, hand on heart say that I have never fancied another person since laying my eyes on my hubby!!! The playmates I've played with dont get me turned on by their appearance or manner, although I do need them to not be certain things (rude, controlling, tattooed, curvy for example).
I get turned on by the knowledge my hubby likes to reclaim me. That's pretty much it. If we play mmf of course I love being full if cock but I've never fancied my playmates although I have found them handsome.
So I wouldn't think my hubby was an idiot for thinking I didn't fancy anyone else - because I don't and for the last 14yrs I never have! |
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I'd say the simple answer is no.
Every relationship is different and although we are all on here, talking about swinging. We must not confuse our preferances, with being what the majority think.
As a couple we would happily never swing and still have fun, having sex with each other.
The swinging is an occasional extra, we do it, the same way we would consider using a vibrator, or going out for a romantic meal etc etc....
Others couples maybe more inline with Polyamoury. Where dating, emotional connections and sex with multiple partners, with no one partner taking preferance over the others, is their preferance.
Swinging is such a broad church of views, but in terms of general society it's hardly bashing down on the door of the majority.
The last figure I could find was that 42% of all marriages (UK) end in divorce. That means 58% don't. We can't assume of that 58% they are all either swingers or living in unhappy sexless marriages.
To do so would be arrogance on our part. Also not every monogamous couple gets married. But it does not mean they cannot have a long and happy sex filled life with one person, even unmarried.
It's horses for courses. My only advice would be, if you know that you are a person who can't commit to sex with just one person for the rest of your life, be open and honest about that. That way you are more likely to end up with a partner who shares the same view.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't 'play' with couples for the sole reason that if i was in a relationship, i honestly wouldn't be on here!
Now, before i'm shot down in flames, i'd just like to add that some couples need that extra spark, and some don't!
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I think the level of trust needed and the security to resist the natural urges of jealousy make swinging unrealistic for most. For those who have it like us, it certainly adds a new dimension to your sex life
C |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the level of trust needed and the security to resist the natural urges of jealousy make swinging unrealistic for most. For those who have it like us, it certainly adds a new dimension to your sex life
C"
Or perhaps they just find what they need in each other. Perhaps they don't need outsiders in their loving relationship! Jealousy has nothing to do with it really! |
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"I think the level of trust needed and the security to resist the natural urges of jealousy make swinging unrealistic for most. For those who have it like us, it certainly adds a new dimension to your sex life
C
Or perhaps they just find what they need in each other. Perhaps they don't need outsiders in their loving relationship! Jealousy has nothing to do with it really!"
Perhaps they don't, but I wouldn't use that to infer that all other couples do need outsiders. We don't 'need' to swing, we just enjoy it.
I'd disagree about jealousy having nothing to do with it. I love watching or just knowing that Rachel is having sex with another guy or girl. It excites me more than playing with someone else myself. That's not to say there's no jealousy there. I'd say that it's the slight underlying jealousy, offset by the emotional security that comes with complete trust in your partner that makes it exciting.
C |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We don't 'need' to swing, we just enjoy it
I think that's a valid point. We don't need to do it either. We have a perfectly satisfying sex life on our own.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the level of trust needed and the security to resist the natural urges of jealousy make swinging unrealistic for most. For those who have it like us, it certainly adds a new dimension to your sex life
C
Or perhaps they just find what they need in each other. Perhaps they don't need outsiders in their loving relationship! Jealousy has nothing to do with it really!
Perhaps they don't, but I wouldn't use that to infer that all other couples do need outsiders. We don't 'need' to swing, we just enjoy it.
I'd disagree about jealousy having nothing to do with it. I love watching or just knowing that Rachel is having sex with another guy or girl. It excites me more than playing with someone else myself. That's not to say there's no jealousy there. I'd say that it's the slight underlying jealousy, offset by the emotional security that comes with complete trust in your partner that makes it exciting.
C"
I find that really interesting. So many people say they feel no jealousy at all- I just don't understand that. Surely there must be just a tiny twinge of underlying jealousy like you say. I think it would make it more exciting in a way. |
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By *aguarsCouple
over a year ago
wolverhampton |
Everyone is different but in society how many monogamous couples secretly aren't, even both couples may cheat which they may not if they had discussed there desires together and it could have saved some so called monogamous relationships. Secrecy is a major factor of break ups, swinging generally on a psychological term seems to be about openness. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do people think swinging proves to some extent that Monogamy is an unrealistic social construct?...discuss"
Monogamy is defined as
"a form of marriage in which an individual has only one spouse during their lifetime"
So in reality swinging reinforces a monogamous marriage by allowing each partner to practice sexual liberation within that marriage, (in many cases) negating the reasons for "cheating" on a partner and therefore preserving the marriage and reinforcing the concept that monogamy can and does exist within a "swinging" marriage.
All of course depending on ones concept of monogamy which is a completely different discussion.
In a lot of instances swinging and monogamy go hand in hand. |
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By *picenicelyCouple
over a year ago
third star on the right |
"How many idiots genuinely believe their partner doesn't fancy anyone else? Oh well ... :D
I can HONESTLY, hand on heart say that I have never fancied another person since laying my eyes on my hubby!!! The playmates I've played with dont get me turned on by their appearance or manner, although I do need them to not be certain things (rude, controlling, tattooed, curvy for example).
I get turned on by the knowledge my hubby likes to reclaim me. That's pretty much it. If we play mmf of course I love being full if cock but I've never fancied my playmates although I have found them handsome.
So I wouldn't think my hubby was an idiot for thinking I didn't fancy anyone else - because I don't and for the last 14yrs I never have! "
 |
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"I'd disagree about jealousy having nothing to do with it. I love watching or just knowing that Rachel is having sex with another guy or girl. It excites me more than playing with someone else myself. That's not to say there's no jealousy there. I'd say that it's the slight underlying jealousy, offset by the emotional security that comes with complete trust in your partner that makes it exciting.
C"
Agreed
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Yes, absolutely. We were both married before and found it impossible to be "faithful" to our exes, so as soon as we got together started swinging. It provides all the sexual variety we need without guilt or deceit.
Humans are not made to have one solitary sexual partner for the whole of their lives, despite what controlling religions would have you believe. |
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"How many idiots genuinely believe their partner doesn't fancy anyone else? Oh well ... :D
I can HONESTLY, hand on heart say that I have never fancied another person since laying my eyes on my hubby!!! The playmates I've played with dont get me turned on by their appearance or manner, although I do need them to not be certain things (rude, controlling, tattooed, curvy for example).
I get turned on by the knowledge my hubby likes to reclaim me. That's pretty much it. If we play mmf of course I love being full if cock but I've never fancied my playmates although I have found them handsome.
So I wouldn't think my hubby was an idiot for thinking I didn't fancy anyone else - because I don't and for the last 14yrs I never have! "
This is exactly how I am. I don't find others attractive really, it's the ACT itself that gets us going and playing with another couple. |
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"Do people think swinging proves to some extent that Monogamy is an unrealistic social construct?...discuss
Monogamy is defined as
"a form of marriage in which an individual has only one spouse during their lifetime"
So in reality swinging reinforces a monogamous marriage by allowing each partner to practice sexual liberation within that marriage, (in many cases) negating the reasons for "cheating" on a partner and therefore preserving the marriage and reinforcing the concept that monogamy can and does exist within a "swinging" marriage.
All of course depending on ones concept of monogamy which is a completely different discussion.
In a lot of instances swinging and monogamy go hand in hand."
So is cheating Swinging For One?
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"How many idiots genuinely believe their partner doesn't fancy anyone else? Oh well ... :D
I can HONESTLY, hand on heart say that I have never fancied another person since laying my eyes on my hubby!!! The playmates I've played with dont get me turned on by their appearance or manner, although I do need them to not be certain things (rude, controlling, tattooed, curvy for example).
I get turned on by the knowledge my hubby likes to reclaim me. That's pretty much it. If we play mmf of course I love being full if cock but I've never fancied my playmates although I have found them handsome.
So I wouldn't think my hubby was an idiot for thinking I didn't fancy anyone else - because I don't and for the last 14yrs I never have! "
You find them attractive, and fuck them. So you fancy them. What is your definition of fancying someone? You've confused me :D |
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I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't find attractive. There's the difference between us and others I guess. We want to find the person attractive and sexy before we will move towards any kind of see with them. The act is important but we won't get to it if we don't find them attractive. I don't believe anyone here doesn't find other people attractive, and that's what I was talking about. If you suddenly stopped thinking other people were hot after you met your partner, you just broke every natural law regarding sex haha. But to each their own, it's not something we'd ever do. Having sex with people we're not attracted to is just the opposite of doing what we do. Every girl we've had sex with has been beautiful and the guy we met was good looking too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" You find them attractive, and fuck them. So you fancy them. What is your definition of fancying someone? You've confused me :D"
I think some people think 'fancy' have emotional connotations, rather than just being physical. Either that, or fancy is too strong a word to describe that attraction. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been swinging on n off for a couple of years as a couple and as a single. I actually prefer swinging as a couple as I enjoy my partner getting pleasure it.
However I don't fancy people based on looks ect, obviously there has to be something that makes me want to play with them, but for me that comes from personality. I'm never physically attracted to anyone, i'm attracted to the person they are rather than how they look/gender ect. |
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"So I wouldn't think my hubby was an idiot for thinking I didn't fancy anyone else - because I don't and for the last 14yrs I never have!
You have sex with people you don't fancy?"
I've never been wowed by looking at someone since I met my husband so I've never fancied anyone I've played with. My playmates need to fulfill very strict guidelines for me to consider engaging in conversation with them, if I like their craic then I'll meet for a drink and if we click then I'll consider playing with them.
So if you want to think I have sex with people I don't fancy that's factually correct but don't mistake that for not being selective (I don't get involved with people by conversation if I don't like the shape (yes the shape, not colour or number or condition or alignment, etc) and the ultimate hurdle is that I think there is chemistry there but that is purely physical and not emotional. When I fancy someone emotions are most definitely there!
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"How many idiots genuinely believe their partner doesn't fancy anyone else? Oh well ... :D
I can HONESTLY, hand on heart say that I have never fancied another person since laying my eyes on my hubby!!! The playmates I've played with dont get me turned on by their appearance or manner, although I do need them to not be certain things (rude, controlling, tattooed, curvy for example).
I get turned on by the knowledge my hubby likes to reclaim me. That's pretty much it. If we play mmf of course I love being full if cock but I've never fancied my playmates although I have found them handsome.
So I wouldn't think my hubby was an idiot for thinking I didn't fancy anyone else - because I don't and for the last 14yrs I never have!
This is exactly how I am. I don't find others attractive really, it's the ACT itself that gets us going and playing with another couple. "
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"So I wouldn't think my hubby was an idiot for thinking I didn't fancy anyone else - because I don't and for the last 14yrs I never have!
You have sex with people you don't fancy?
I've never been wowed by looking at someone since I met my husband so I've never fancied anyone I've played with. My playmates need to fulfill very strict guidelines for me to consider engaging in conversation with them, if I like their craic then I'll meet for a drink and if we click then I'll consider playing with them.
So if you want to think I have sex with people I don't fancy that's factually correct but don't mistake that for not being selective (I don't get involved with people by conversation if I don't like the shape (yes the shape, not colour or number or condition or alignment, etc) and the ultimate hurdle is that I think there is chemistry there but that is purely physical and not emotional. When I fancy someone emotions are most definitely there!
"
that's getting bogged down in semantics really though isn't it. I can easily fancy someone I have never met but I probably define the word fancy differently to you......and that is the prerogative of us both |
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"/ if you suddenly stopped thinking other people were hot after you met your partner, you just broke every natural law regarding sex haha. But to each their own, it's not something we'd ever do. Having sex with people we're not attracted to is just the opposite of doing what we do. Every girl we've had sex with has been beautiful and the guy we met was good looking too."
As I've said, I don't engage in conversations with people off fab if I don't think they are good looking, plus a dozen other tick boxes they have to meet.
With regards to breaking every natural law then I must have. I absolutely 100% have never walked past someone on the street and thought "ooooft!! Yes I WOULD" since I laid eyes on my hubby. Even actors, etc - I was so overwhelmed I found that nobody else even came close to turning me on.
At times it would have been much easier if I had fancied folk as it must have sounded pretty suspicious at times when I insisted I'd never been attracted to anyone else! Plus it probably made my other half feel guilty at times for being attracted to other people when there's nothing wrong with that!! |
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since joining this site when i go to asda i think how many of these are really like us (swingers) as i never thought there were so many of us lol. we were not virgins when we met each other and knew we had both slept around a few times before meeting each other, but the honesty works lol, we are both more relaxed and feel free in the relationship and can tell each other anything  |
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sex is all about the attraction and the fun, no point doing it if you feel uncomfortable with the people that you are doing it with. even though we have done it with some that we weren't attracted to but that was because it was one of those times that we were so horny we just thought what the hell lol |
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I think people are associating the word fancy with far more than I am. I mean to simply find them good looking. And if you fuck someone you do not think is good looking, well, that's not my idea of fun, but to each their own |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think people are associating the word fancy with far more than I am. I mean to simply find them good looking. And if you fuck someone you do not think is good looking, well, that's not my idea of fun, but to each their own "
(Y) well said. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been with my OH for just over 13 years and I'm having just as good sex as when we first got together.
Swinging is just something we like to do when we feel like it. It is not an essential part of our life and never has been.
We have been known to go months with not going to clubs or meeting other couples and still had great sex with each other.
Neither of us in 13 years has gone off on our own to play with others, it is a lifestyle we do together as a couple.
We trust each other 100% and always make sure the other one is happy, if not we stop.
You do need to be honest with each other and respect boundaries.
Happy swinging  |
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Both of us were married to our exes for many years, but found it impossible to be monogamous, so had affairs, one-night-stands and so on. R's husband didn't mind, but G's wife was very against extra-marital sex.
Eventually our marriages ended and we met. We were both honest about our need for sexual variety, so decided to give swinging a try. It has worked very well for both of us, we are able to have sex with other people without deceit or guilt, in fact while the other is present which is a lovely bonus. Our sex together is fantastic, so swinging is not a substitute for that.
Some people are not made to be monogamous. Society and religion try to make everyone the same, which can cause great unhappiness. Sex is fun and there to be enjoyed! |
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We are in a string relationship, so in the classic definition, we only have one partner - each other. However, we choose to indulge in recreational sex with others. This is totally consensual and we enjoy it as much as any other hobby or pastime...
The chances of a partner being unfaithful is no different for swingers than with anyone else, as it depends in trust, personalities, honesty and emotions. Sex is rarely a reason for being unfaithful, unless there is an imbalance in terms of frequency/libido etc. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What a brilliant thread
It's great to see so many intelligent opinions on this topic. I (Slinky) am new to the scene whereas Titus has been swinging for years. Ive struggled a little to learn what's appropriate and what isn't. I've never been with a man who wouldn't want to rip the head off another man who tried to touch me so it's all a bit of a revelation too be with someone who actively encourages it! 
Likewise it's taken me a while to get used to seeing him playing with other women but we're both really enjoying ourselves. We both have voracious sexual appetites and have both (sadly) cheated on previous partners but have agreed that cheating in this relationship would never be tolerated. We love playing together, we love the build up to it and the detailed discussions afterwards. I'm pleased to see other people admitting to occasional feelings of jealousy as this is something we've both felt to an extent but we try to be sensitive to the feelings of the other and the longer we're together the less of an issue this is.
I agree with other posters, it is a lifestyle choice and some people believe in monogamy, some see swinging together as a form of monogamy (I think we do - provided we experience things together, we are still committed 'exclusively' to each other) and some dont believe in the concept of monogamy at all. I didn't until I met Titus
Brilliant post - thank you OP x
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"Do people think swinging proves to some extent that Monogamy is an unrealistic social construct?...discuss"
No. I'm sure we aren't the only couple who can point to a lot of very happy monogamous couples we know as friends. Swinging isn't for everyone. I do not think a majority of couples would be able to handle the emotional side of swinging, and a similar number wouldn't see swinging as desirable to them in the first place.
What swinging does demonstrate, however, is that non-monogamy is a genuine option. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do people think swinging proves to some extent that Monogamy is an unrealistic social construct?...discuss"
study of anthrapological behaviour indicates that monogomy is indeed an anomaly for homo sapiens and a constraint inventedby religious dogma
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What a brilliant thread
It's great to see so many intelligent opinions on this topic. I (Slinky) am new to the scene whereas Titus has been swinging for years. Ive struggled a little to learn what's appropriate and what isn't. I've never been with a man who wouldn't want to rip the head off another man who tried to touch me so it's all a bit of a revelation too be with someone who actively encourages it!
Likewise it's taken me a while to get used to seeing him playing with other women but we're both really enjoying ourselves. We both have voracious sexual appetites and have both (sadly) cheated on previous partners but have agreed that cheating in this relationship would never be tolerated. We love playing together, we love the build up to it and the detailed discussions afterwards. I'm pleased to see other people admitting to occasional feelings of jealousy as this is something we've both felt to an extent but we try to be sensitive to the feelings of the other and the longer we're together the less of an issue this is.
I agree with other posters, it is a lifestyle choice and some people believe in monogamy, some see swinging together as a form of monogamy (I think we do - provided we experience things together, we are still committed 'exclusively' to each other) and some dont believe in the concept of monogamy at all. I didn't until I met Titus
Brilliant post - thank you OP x
"
Thank you and it's such a pleasure to see that the thread has done so far exactly what i hoped it would, start a stimulating and thought provoking discussion...
I myself was undecided as to where swinging lies in relation to the conventions of traditional monogamous relationships. As said above, the only logical conclusion is that we all make our choices and stick to what works for us, and rightly so, while religion and some social constructs try to make everyone the same.
Happy swinging!!! |
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"We think sex with others is amazing fun, but it's a lifestyle choice ... not a 'fix' for boredom or broken relationships. You're either in or not ... you have to live it. There should never be jealousy or nerves (except the lovely nerves before a meet). "
I totally agree - I always get nervous before a meet - it's kinda like the butterflies on a first date I suppose - you want everyone to like everyone and it all to click (and actually that doesnt occur that often I suspect!) |
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