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Auntie Ps sage and onion advice line
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yes yes yes I have the day off and it's about bloody time!
I trust you've all had the most splendiferous festive celebrations. If not... tough shizzle, neither have I.
So, what's cracking your wishbone? Need someone taking care of? Constipated with so much poop you're breath stinks like shit?
Spill your sprouts, how can I help on this Saturday?
I had no idea it was Saturday until James Martin's Saturday kitchen came on the telly box, that's how much the Xmas period fucks with me.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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'Tis truly a christmas miracle, the season's magic has sprinkled festive dust upon everyone and there is truly nothing in the world for anyone to complain about?
God bless us, every one! 
Unless... 
B |
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Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a rather worrying addiction to pickled eggs over the Christmas period.
....My local council are now threatening to sue me over subsequent damage to the sewer in my road.
What are my legal rights here? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I truly haven't too much to be Grumpy about over the festive period .
But I'll bump this for you Auntie P for all those grumpy fuckers that fancy a whinge   "
Nice one. I'm fuelled by others misery  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a rather worrying addiction to pickled eggs over the Christmas period.
....My local council are now threatening to sue me over subsequent damage to the sewer in my road.
What are my legal rights here? "
Offer them an alternative, your botty will be the xmas orchestra for the local fetes and all that shit, they'll just need Carol singers with no smell or taste
It you could threaten to shit in their shoes. |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a rather worrying addiction to pickled eggs over the Christmas period.
....My local council are now threatening to sue me over subsequent damage to the sewer in my road.
What are my legal rights here?
Offer them an alternative, your botty will be the xmas orchestra for the local fetes and all that shit, they'll just need Carol singers with no smell or taste
It you could threaten to shit in their shoes."
Thank you Auntie P; I knew I could count on you  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a rather worrying addiction to pickled eggs over the Christmas period.
....My local council are now threatening to sue me over subsequent damage to the sewer in my road.
What are my legal rights here?
Offer them an alternative, your botty will be the xmas orchestra for the local fetes and all that shit, they'll just need Carol singers with no smell or taste
It you could threaten to shit in their shoes.
Thank you Auntie P; I knew I could count on you "
Always. I'm like a comfy pair of slippers, all old, stinky and full of dents and the odd hole. |
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Dear Auntie P
Concerning Kerplunk. I am currently playing kerplunk with someone whom I feel is being a little bit nefarious. Their first idea was to swap the marbles with maltesers and now I am losing every game. When it comes to the end and we add up our “marbles” my opponent doesn’t appear to have any, yet I have witnessed them falling when it was her turn.
Should I replace the “marbles” with coffee flavoured revels?
Yours DD (probably should be CC) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
Concerning Kerplunk. I am currently playing kerplunk with someone whom I feel is being a little bit nefarious. Their first idea was to swap the marbles with maltesers and now I am losing every game. When it comes to the end and we add up our “marbles” my opponent doesn’t appear to have any, yet I have witnessed them falling when it was her turn.
Should I replace the “marbles” with coffee flavoured revels?
Yours DD (probably should be CC) "
Ha! Coffee revels and toffifee are the way forward. Cheating and manipulation is bad. Revenge/lesson teaching when you can see it happening in front of you is funny as fuck.
Her mouth will be glued shut by the toffifee bastards whilst the coffee revel plays a dirty dance on her tastebuds. Video it! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Aunty P
Is it still ok to dance to Michael Jackson as I've just been practising my moonwalk on my new hall rug?
Hopefully...
Minnie "
If your moonwalk is anything like mine it'll feel like you're doing it, but when others witness it they'll believe you're doing the Monty python's silly walk thing.
Crisis averted |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do I nap or not?
I worked 8-1 this morning, doing a 5-11 on the bar this evening. Basically did the same yesterday but I started a couple of hours earlier and had a nap, and felt more tired for having a nap! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Do I nap or not?
I worked 8-1 this morning, doing a 5-11 on the bar this evening. Basically did the same yesterday but I started a couple of hours earlier and had a nap, and felt more tired for having a nap!"
I'm not the best person to ask. I'm on my first day off over the festive period and all I wanna do is sleep when I have a fuckton of shizzle to do.
I reckon I could go to bed now and not wake til the morning |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P
I don’t celebrate Christmas. For me it is New Year’s Eve. To get into the spirit though I have bought some Brussel sprouts to add to a batch of Bolognese I am going to make and then put in the freezer.
Do you think the sprouts will work in the Bolognese?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do I nap or not?
I worked 8-1 this morning, doing a 5-11 on the bar this evening. Basically did the same yesterday but I started a couple of hours earlier and had a nap, and felt more tired for having a nap!
I'm not the best person to ask. I'm on my first day off over the festive period and all I wanna do is sleep when I have a fuckton of shizzle to do.
I reckon I could go to bed now and not wake til the morning "
You should power nap then you'll have more energy.
I might have a wee snoozey snooze now actually. Half two is my normal sleepy time... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
I don’t celebrate Christmas. For me it is New Year’s Eve. To get into the spirit though I have bought some Brussel sprouts to add to a batch of Bolognese I am going to make and then put in the freezer.
Do you think the sprouts will work in the Bolognese?
"
Would you put cabbage in a bolognese you heathen?! A sprout is a full blown strong minuscule fucking cabbage with the aftertaste of dirt. Cover them in chocolate and pile them up in a Ferrero Roche mountain on a silver platter, then sit back with the video on record as greedos tuck into them on NYE and get a sprouty surprise. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Do I nap or not?
I worked 8-1 this morning, doing a 5-11 on the bar this evening. Basically did the same yesterday but I started a couple of hours earlier and had a nap, and felt more tired for having a nap!
I'm not the best person to ask. I'm on my first day off over the festive period and all I wanna do is sleep when I have a fuckton of shizzle to do.
I reckon I could go to bed now and not wake til the morning
You should power nap then you'll have more energy.
I might have a wee snoozey snooze now actually. Half two is my normal sleepy time..."
I'm thinking either nap or crank the music up to eleventy-nine
Almost half 2 so bang on |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had such an enjoyable and err ...arousing.. day on the forum yesterday that my balls are still blue today. What do you suggest?"
Ask mickey, he suffers daily with the blue balled affliction
Or go have a bubble bath wank |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had such an enjoyable and err ...arousing.. day on the forum yesterday that my balls are still blue today. What do you suggest?
Ask mickey, he suffers daily with the blue balled affliction
Or go have a bubble bath wank "
My bubble bath is blue! Not sure it will help  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had such an enjoyable and err ...arousing.. day on the forum yesterday that my balls are still blue today. What do you suggest?
Ask mickey, he suffers daily with the blue balled affliction
Or go have a bubble bath wank
My bubble bath is blue! Not sure it will help "
If ya splodge in it it'll look like the Simpsons sky |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had such an enjoyable and err ...arousing.. day on the forum yesterday that my balls are still blue today. What do you suggest?
Ask mickey, he suffers daily with the blue balled affliction
Or go have a bubble bath wank
My bubble bath is blue! Not sure it will help
If ya splodge in it it'll look like the Simpsons sky "
More worried about coming out looking like a Smurf |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
I don’t celebrate Christmas. For me it is New Year’s Eve. To get into the spirit though I have bought some Brussel sprouts to add to a batch of Bolognese I am going to make and then put in the freezer.
Do you think the sprouts will work in the Bolognese?
Would you put cabbage in a bolognese you heathen?! A sprout is a full blown strong minuscule fucking cabbage with the aftertaste of dirt. Cover them in chocolate and pile them up in a Ferrero Roche mountain on a silver platter, then sit back with the video on record as greedos tuck into them on NYE and get a sprouty surprise. "
What a great idea. Thx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I had such an enjoyable and err ...arousing.. day on the forum yesterday that my balls are still blue today. What do you suggest?
Ask mickey, he suffers daily with the blue balled affliction
Or go have a bubble bath wank
My bubble bath is blue! Not sure it will help
If ya splodge in it it'll look like the Simpsons sky
More worried about coming out looking like a Smurf "
just don't wear a shower cap Papa |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Aunty P
The only thing I've been able to attract this festive period are fucking mosquitos.
Help me "
Blood sucking itch creating little cunts.
Come mine, it's a pest free zone. |
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