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Auntie Ps advice line
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Day off today, I'm sporting a stiffy.....
Stiff neck you filthy bastards, B is at work.
What's getting your goat?
Being ugly?
Jim's mum?
Problem shared is a problem laughed at by many. Hit me up buttercup |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I miss warm sunny days *sighs*"
Tis a shitter is it not.
Heated flood light in the garden facing your window. Whack a fire glow bulb in there tho, you don't wanna get blinded.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Auntie P
How can I cope in life being fairly successful and comfortable but ugly?"
With the knowledge people like and love you for YOU
And sitting on your comfy throne is waaaaay better than sitting on a thorned rubber ring |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Aunty P, how can I get my rocks off on a regular basis despite having a stressful job and a busy life?"
Hate to break it to ya buttercup, but a chain mail glove and dead hand wank is the only solution. |
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"Auntie P
How can I cope in life being fairly successful and comfortable but ugly?
With the knowledge people like and love you for YOU
And sitting on your comfy throne is waaaaay better than sitting on a thorned rubber ring "
Thanks auntie P ... I was just thinking of shopping for a photo filter app then ... I'll leave it for now |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The fact it’s freezing cold and being outdoors doing customers drive since 8am and not once have they offered a cuppa "
They're spending all their cash on having a new drive done and don't have any spare tea bags |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P
How can I cope in life being fairly successful and comfortable but ugly?
With the knowledge people like and love you for YOU
And sitting on your comfy throne is waaaaay better than sitting on a thorned rubber ring
Thanks auntie P ... I was just thinking of shopping for a photo filter app then ... I'll leave it for now "
Bottoms up |
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"Aunty P, how can I get my rocks off on a regular basis despite having a stressful job and a busy life?
Hate to break it to ya buttercup, but a chain mail glove and dead hand wank is the only solution."
Thanks Aunty P, I’ll get right on it and share the vid. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Auntie P
How can I cope in life being fairly successful and comfortable but ugly?
With the knowledge people like and love you for YOU
And sitting on your comfy throne is waaaaay better than sitting on a thorned rubber ring "
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Aunty P, how can I get my rocks off on a regular basis despite having a stressful job and a busy life?
Hate to break it to ya buttercup, but a chain mail glove and dead hand wank is the only solution.
Thanks Aunty P, I’ll get right on it and share the vid. "
Cracking |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
How does one stop herself being a hormonal twat with all the pains that go with that?
Signed
Isittoosoontocurlupunderaduvetwithchocolate. x"
Are you seriously asking me that question? We all know I'man absolute cuntwaffling beeeeeesh who could rip a fuckers head off, shit down their throat and then glue gun their head back on whilst eating a twin tub of Ben n Jerry's, switching from death metal to slushy love songs attempting to howl along despite my nose erupting cry snot bubbles from hell.
Womb doom is the devil.
Hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows, remember how much you're loved and just how wonderful you are  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P,
I want to paint my living room but am a really lazy bastard. Um....I don’t suppose you could do me the honours? 
"
I'll paint yours if you provide the materials for me to do mine too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
How does one stop herself being a hormonal twat with all the pains that go with that?
Signed
Isittoosoontocurlupunderaduvetwithchocolate. x"
Have you tried Buscopan for period pain ? |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I want to paint my living room but am a really lazy bastard. Um....I don’t suppose you could do me the honours?
I'll paint yours if you provide the materials for me to do mine too"
Did I happen to mention that I’m a really cheap bastard to?  Hmmmm.....how about I let you have any paint left over? Do you like purple (I hope!) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
How does one stop herself being a hormonal twat with all the pains that go with that?
Signed
Isittoosoontocurlupunderaduvetwithchocolate. x
Have you tried Buscopan for period pain ?"
Smart arse. 
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P,
I want to paint my living room but am a really lazy bastard. Um....I don’t suppose you could do me the honours?
I'll paint yours if you provide the materials for me to do mine too
Did I happen to mention that I’m a really cheap bastard to? Hmmmm.....how about I let you have any paint left over? Do you like purple (I hope!) "
Is it deep purple?
I like a bit of smoke on the water |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve hurt my ankle and so can’t leave the sofa Am horny but don’t want to wank? What to do Auntie P?"
I've an ouchie too.
Have a gramps nap or chop your todger off. Wank crisis averted |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Dear Auntie P
How does one stop herself being a hormonal twat with all the pains that go with that?
Signed
Isittoosoontocurlupunderaduvetwithchocolate. x
Have you tried Buscopan for period pain ?"
Nope. I'm on something quite a bit stronger that the GP has prescribed for me.
And thanks Auntie P. Your hidden gremlin is part of your epicness. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is the Chelsea v Ajax game on Virgin tonight and if it is, what number?
This would be great advice Aunty P, thank you.
SB"
Fuck knows I got sky
I also wouldn't watch it myself as I can't watch Ajax play. Gives me housework guilt. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am sowing my seeds and producing lots of acorns but have yet not seen the growth of an oak. Is this a seasonable thing or can I sow my seed and get a good oak birth all year around? "
Erm...
Watch the episode of "the young ones"
We sow the seeds, nature grows the seeds, we eat the seeds.
Winter is notoriously less seed sowwy. All cold and miserable. |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I want to paint my living room but am a really lazy bastard. Um....I don’t suppose you could do me the honours?
I'll paint yours if you provide the materials for me to do mine too
Did I happen to mention that I’m a really cheap bastard to? Hmmmm.....how about I let you have any paint left over? Do you like purple (I hope!)
Is it deep purple?
I like a bit of smoke on the water "
It is indeed and as a bonus I’ll wow you whilst you paint by air guitaring the classic Ritchie Blackmore riff |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I want to paint my living room but am a really lazy bastard. Um....I don’t suppose you could do me the honours?
I'll paint yours if you provide the materials for me to do mine too
Did I happen to mention that I’m a really cheap bastard to? Hmmmm.....how about I let you have any paint left over? Do you like purple (I hope!)
Is it deep purple?
I like a bit of smoke on the water
It is indeed and as a bonus I’ll wow you whilst you paint by air guitaring the classic Ritchie Blackmore riff "
Sold to the bitch with the stiff neck |
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"Is the Chelsea v Ajax game on Virgin tonight and if it is, what number?
This would be great advice Aunty P, thank you.
SB
Fuck knows I got sky
I also wouldn't watch it myself as I can't watch Ajax play. Gives me housework guilt."
I'd dearly love to say thank you Aunty P for your sage advice.
However........
*chocolate lifeguard
 |
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"Is the Chelsea v Ajax game on Virgin tonight and if it is, what number?
This would be great advice Aunty P, thank you.
SB
Fuck knows I got sky
I also wouldn't watch it myself as I can't watch Ajax play. Gives me housework guilt.
I'd dearly love to say thank you Aunty P for your sage advice.
However........
*chocolate fireguard
"
FFS...... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Is the Chelsea v Ajax game on Virgin tonight and if it is, what number?
This would be great advice Aunty P, thank you.
SB
Fuck knows I got sky
I also wouldn't watch it myself as I can't watch Ajax play. Gives me housework guilt.
I'd dearly love to say thank you Aunty P for your sage advice.
However........
*chocolate fireguard
FFS......"
Lifeguard works too mind you! Can't see a kinder egg throwing you a ring on a rope |
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"I’ve hurt my ankle and so can’t leave the sofa Am horny but don’t want to wank? What to do Auntie P?
I've an ouchie too.
Have a gramps nap or chop your todger off. Wank crisis averted "
Dear Auntie P have chopped my todger off as advised what to do for pleasure in the future? |
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By *good-being-badMan
over a year ago
mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds |
So I was in my bedroom looking out over my garden when I see my neighbour sunbathing, as I'm knocking one iut I find my wife standing behind me with her arms crossed and a look of thunder on her face..
.
.
.
My question.. is she a pervert watching me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’ve hurt my ankle and so can’t leave the sofa Am horny but don’t want to wank? What to do Auntie P?
I've an ouchie too.
Have a gramps nap or chop your todger off. Wank crisis averted
Dear Auntie P have chopped my todger off as advised what to do for pleasure in the future?"
You become a knitting nanna and concentrate your life on the creation of Shreddies |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So I was in my bedroom looking out over my garden when I see my neighbour sunbathing, as I'm knocking one iut I find my wife standing behind me with her arms crossed and a look of thunder on her face..
.
.
.
My question.. is she a pervert watching me."
Yes, as I replied to Vine the other day as he posed the same question. Get the slimy pervy bitch on a register |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P
I REALLY hate my job.
I'm looking for something else but I dont want to do any of it 
I just want to wear pyjamas and drink wine with snacks all the time - but with a full wage coming in.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
I REALLY hate my job.
I'm looking for something else but I dont want to do any of it
I just want to wear pyjamas and drink wine with snacks all the time - but with a full wage coming in.
"
Diamond Cougar sounds like she should have the answers to this one.
If she spills the beans let me know coz I could totally live this way |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Dear Auntie P
I REALLY hate my job.
I'm looking for something else but I dont want to do any of it
I just want to wear pyjamas and drink wine with snacks all the time - but with a full wage coming in.
"
Be a cam girl! Or do phone sex lines. If you're a cam girl you can eat snacks in a sexy slow way and get paid for it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P,
I'm hungry. What should I do?
Regards,
Mavis Riley"
Infiltrate a neighbouring bonfire with garden party and fill your bag with spuds and burgers.
I'll have chilli or cheese n beans on my tatty ta very much |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I REALLY hate my job.
I'm looking for something else but I dont want to do any of it
I just want to wear pyjamas and drink wine with snacks all the time - but with a full wage coming in.
Diamond Cougar sounds like she should have the answers to this one.
If she spills the beans let me know coz I could totally live this way"
Oh please for the love of God let her have the answer!
I dont want to go back to work EVER again! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I REALLY hate my job.
I'm looking for something else but I dont want to do any of it
I just want to wear pyjamas and drink wine with snacks all the time - but with a full wage coming in.
Be a cam girl! Or do phone sex lines. If you're a cam girl you can eat snacks in a sexy slow way and get paid for it."
Haha no one wants to watch an old fat lady eating pies - do they?
|
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Dear Auntie P
I REALLY hate my job.
I'm looking for something else but I dont want to do any of it
I just want to wear pyjamas and drink wine with snacks all the time - but with a full wage coming in.
Be a cam girl! Or do phone sex lines. If you're a cam girl you can eat snacks in a sexy slow way and get paid for it.
Haha no one wants to watch an old fat lady eating pies - do they?
"
Trying to resist the creampie joke...
There's something out there for everyone! And you're not fat. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear auntie P
KTM have brought out a new model of motorbike which looks absolutely stunning ....
Should I have a bath tonight or would a shower be better... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear auntie P,
I think that I need to bludgeon my staff to death, what's the best way to do this and dispose of the bodies?
Yours murderously
TM "
Patience. Wait for the ice and snow. Everyone knows if you wanna get away with murder you stab them with an icicle and the evidence melts away.
Leave a mass cult suicide note and Bob as they say is your uncle. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear auntie P
KTM have brought out a new model of motorbike which looks absolutely stunning ....
Should I have a bath tonight or would a shower be better... "
Bath, try to get your botty as stuck on the bottom of the tub as you can, then when you fart it will sound like the bike starting |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Auntie P.. please help. I’ve stopped smoking. I’m a little unhinged.. do I hibernate until the crazy times pass or embrace the dark side?!? "
Aye carumba, all inclusive flight to a cave |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
Is wishing someone a long slow painful death wrong? "
Not if it's a fleeting momentary thought. Wishing karma does it's job however is totally acceptable,
The truth inevitably comes out and when others begin losing face, friends and the respect of those in their community, well, that can be the karma bus returning to them what's rightfully theirs and what they deserve. |
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"Dear Auntie P
Is wishing someone a long slow painful death wrong?
Not if it's a fleeting momentary thought. Wishing karma does it's job however is totally acceptable,
The truth inevitably comes out and when others begin losing face, friends and the respect of those in their community, well, that can be the karma bus returning to them what's rightfully theirs and what they deserve. "
I've never been one for revenge,
I believe you reap what you sow.
But right now, I'm tempted to make things sow a little quicker |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
Is wishing someone a long slow painful death wrong?
Not if it's a fleeting momentary thought. Wishing karma does it's job however is totally acceptable,
The truth inevitably comes out and when others begin losing face, friends and the respect of those in their community, well, that can be the karma bus returning to them what's rightfully theirs and what they deserve.
I've never been one for revenge,
I believe you reap what you sow.
But right now, I'm tempted to make things sow a little quicker "
It is bonfire night after all, you have a spare petrol can? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P
May I send a list of individuals, together with their addresses, so that the karma bus can add them to the schedule for pick-up.
Doctor D"
Of course you can Doctor D.
That and a cheque for 5 grand |
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