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Auntie Ps advice line
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Been a draining few days for me, my head has been all over the place.
I'm back at work tomorrow so I need to restore some normality and get my head back in the game.
Soooooo, what's eating you alive Clive?
What's hurting your heart Bart?
What's tickling your prick Rick?
I don't mind serious issues today either, just not too many! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Been a draining few days for me, my head has been all over the place.
I'm back at work tomorrow so I need to restore some normality and get my head back in the game.
Soooooo, what's eating you alive Clive?
What's hurting your heart Bart?
What's tickling your prick Rick?
I don't mind serious issues today either, just not too many! "
I think me and you have outdone the advice for each other!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Been a draining few days for me, my head has been all over the place.
I'm back at work tomorrow so I need to restore some normality and get my head back in the game.
Soooooo, what's eating you alive Clive?
What's hurting your heart Bart?
What's tickling your prick Rick?
I don't mind serious issues today either, just not too many!
I think me and you have outdone the advice for each other! "
I think my keyboard needs new keys! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Been a draining few days for me, my head has been all over the place.
I'm back at work tomorrow so I need to restore some normality and get my head back in the game.
Soooooo, what's eating you alive Clive?
What's hurting your heart Bart?
What's tickling your prick Rick?
I don't mind serious issues today either, just not too many!
I think me and you have outdone the advice for each other!
I think my keyboard needs new keys! "
 |
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I need help with A question that has bothered me for years.
When I catch my train in the morning as soon as we approach Dudley port we receive a warning that the doors on the rear carriage of the train will not open due to the short platform, however on the return journey there is no warning and no problem with the length of the platform. It is an island platform so one would presume that the length is equal on both sides.
I await your logical answer with anticipation.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Auntie P, some of the other humans are being selfish cunts
Sappy is usually so mild mannered.
Today she wants to stick turnips up people's arses.
What do you do, when the other humans are pushing their luck? |
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"Auntie P, some of the other humans are being selfish cunts
Sappy is usually so mild mannered.
Today she wants to stick turnips up people's arses.
What do you do, when the other humans are pushing their luck?"
The fact that it’s turnips and not pineapples shows that you’re still mild mannered  |
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Dear Auntie P,
I’m as thick as pig shit, have no discernible talent whatsoever and my friends all tell me that I’m as annoying as fuck.
Which reality TV show should I apply to go on and will you be my agent? |
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There is currently a great fight going on here between a Daddy Long Legs who has landed in a web , and its inhabitant , a small spider .
They are both whirling around trying to outdo each other .
Who do I support please Aunty P ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I’m as thick as pig shit, have no discernible talent whatsoever and my friends all tell me that I’m as annoying as fuck.
Which reality TV show should I apply to go on and will you be my agent?"
Question time ? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I need help with A question that has bothered me for years.
When I catch my train in the morning as soon as we approach Dudley port we receive a warning that the doors on the rear carriage of the train will not open due to the short platform, however on the return journey there is no warning and no problem with the length of the platform. It is an island platform so one would presume that the length is equal on both sides.
I await your logical answer with anticipation. "
Some cunt can't read a tape measure. Splat them with a coconut |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P
I’m supposed to be working but I’m on here. Every day I say I shan’t log on fab in the office today but I do. It lures me. Is there some sort of rehab I can go to? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P, some of the other humans are being selfish cunts
Sappy is usually so mild mannered.
Today she wants to stick turnips up people's arses.
What do you do, when the other humans are pushing their luck?"
Me? I give them a warning that "I'M GONNA LOSE MY SHIT"
That normally deters any unwanted selfishness or drama as silence descends and a look of "we've fucked up big time..... heeeelp" encompasses their face.
And then, if more continues it be time to walk the fuck away. |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I’m as thick as pig shit, have no discernible talent whatsoever and my friends all tell me that I’m as annoying as fuck.
Which reality TV show should I apply to go on and will you be my agent?
Question time ?"
I’d be a good presenter on there I think ......’So, leader of the Blue team, what do you have to say to the Red team on this matter?’  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I’m as thick as pig shit, have no discernible talent whatsoever and my friends all tell me that I’m as annoying as fuck.
Which reality TV show should I apply to go on and will you be my agent?"
Go on first dates, you can hook up with the frenchy if it all goes tits, and fuck yeah, I'll make a few quid off selling the story that you shared more than beard grooming lessons with him.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"There is currently a great fight going on here between a Daddy Long Legs who has landed in a web , and its inhabitant , a small spider .
They are both whirling around trying to outdo each other .
Who do I support please Aunty P ??"
The underdog. Incy wincy is your friend. Just because one may be larger and have bigger stage presence, doesn't mean it's smarter |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I've got an ingrown hair refusing to spout. Tonight I see my old boss who is perfect wank material. What do I do other than show up with a massive boil like looking thing? "
Oh man those ingrowers are a cunt aren't they. You use it as the centre of a flower and face paint petals around it. You're channeling your inner hippie tonight baby girl! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie. I’ve done it again. Last time you helped by telling me not to put yum yums there anymore. And I took your advice so I’ve now tried granola bars. I’m in pain. Help please "
Drink lots of milk to soften the blow ... out |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P why are there so many dick heads on the roads "
The world is full of dick heads. Some will of course occupy the roads. You may be one yourself but not realise.....
Get a fog horn and scare them so they veer off down the grassy verge. |
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"There is currently a great fight going on here between a Daddy Long Legs who has landed in a web , and its inhabitant , a small spider .
They are both whirling around trying to outdo each other .
Who do I support please Aunty P ??
The underdog. Incy wincy is your friend. Just because one may be larger and have bigger stage presence, doesn't mean it's smarter "
I think Mr Spider has won the bout. Hes currently wrapping up his gigantic lunch at this very moment |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I’m as thick as pig shit, have no discernible talent whatsoever and my friends all tell me that I’m as annoying as fuck.
Which reality TV show should I apply to go on and will you be my agent?
Go on first dates, you can hook up with the frenchy if it all goes tits, and fuck yeah, I'll make a few quid off selling the story that you shared more than beard grooming lessons with him.
"
Thank you Auntie P 
Great idea! I’ll have Fred’s draws down to his ankles in no time at all and we can make a killing |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I’m supposed to be working but I’m on here. Every day I say I shan’t log on fab in the office today but I do. It lures me. Is there some sort of rehab I can go to?"
It's called "leave your phone at home day"
It hasn't taken off just yet, give it a few years and it will become a thing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I’m supposed to be working but I’m on here. Every day I say I shan’t log on fab in the office today but I do. It lures me. Is there some sort of rehab I can go to?
It's called "leave your phone at home day"
It hasn't taken off just yet, give it a few years and it will become a thing "
But but my office is at home  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I’m supposed to be working but I’m on here. Every day I say I shan’t log on fab in the office today but I do. It lures me. Is there some sort of rehab I can go to?
It's called "leave your phone at home day"
It hasn't taken off just yet, give it a few years and it will become a thing
But but my office is at home "
Ahhh, then we shall need to crank it up a notch.
BAD GIRL... NO!
If you need more scolding or treats taking away I'll do it. Either that or I'll arrange for a troop of midget clowns to invade your office. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"There is currently a great fight going on here between a Daddy Long Legs who has landed in a web , and its inhabitant , a small spider .
They are both whirling around trying to outdo each other .
Who do I support please Aunty P ??
The underdog. Incy wincy is your friend. Just because one may be larger and have bigger stage presence, doesn't mean it's smarter I think Mr Spider has won the bout. Hes currently wrapping up his gigantic lunch at this very moment "
I think he's teaching you subliminally how to dispose of your boss |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I’m as thick as pig shit, have no discernible talent whatsoever and my friends all tell me that I’m as annoying as fuck.
Which reality TV show should I apply to go on and will you be my agent?
Go on first dates, you can hook up with the frenchy if it all goes tits, and fuck yeah, I'll make a few quid off selling the story that you shared more than beard grooming lessons with him.
Thank you Auntie P
Great idea! I’ll have Fred’s draws down to his ankles in no time at all and we can make a killing "
Kerrrrrching |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
Where is the best place for me to get some mince? I want some 
The meat aisle in the supermarket or your local butcher. "
How did you twist my words  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
Where is the best place for me to get some mince? I want some
The meat aisle in the supermarket or your local butcher.
How did you twist my words "
You remind me so much of Beefy it's incredible |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P, some of the other humans are being selfish cunts
Sappy is usually so mild mannered.
Today she wants to stick turnips up people's arses.
What do you do, when the other humans are pushing their luck?
Me? I give them a warning that "I'M GONNA LOSE MY SHIT"
That normally deters any unwanted selfishness or drama as silence descends and a look of "we've fucked up big time..... heeeelp" encompasses their face.
And then, if more continues it be time to walk the fuck away."
I lost my shit last night
And this morning
There's a few people that best hope I find it again |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P, some of the other humans are being selfish cunts
Sappy is usually so mild mannered.
Today she wants to stick turnips up people's arses.
What do you do, when the other humans are pushing their luck?
Me? I give them a warning that "I'M GONNA LOSE MY SHIT"
That normally deters any unwanted selfishness or drama as silence descends and a look of "we've fucked up big time..... heeeelp" encompasses their face.
And then, if more continues it be time to walk the fuck away.
I lost my shit last night
And this morning
There's a few people that best hope I find it again"
Eeeeeeek *insert awkward face*
Yep, I know that one. Somewhere in between all outta fucks and screaming internally to be listened to, noticed and appreciated.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P, some of the other humans are being selfish cunts
Sappy is usually so mild mannered.
Today she wants to stick turnips up people's arses.
What do you do, when the other humans are pushing their luck?
Me? I give them a warning that "I'M GONNA LOSE MY SHIT"
That normally deters any unwanted selfishness or drama as silence descends and a look of "we've fucked up big time..... heeeelp" encompasses their face.
And then, if more continues it be time to walk the fuck away.
I lost my shit last night
And this morning
There's a few people that best hope I find it again
Eeeeeeek *insert awkward face*
Yep, I know that one. Somewhere in between all outta fucks and screaming internally to be listened to, noticed and appreciated.
"
I think perhaps they will appreciate me when they have to find a new doormat.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I’m supposed to be working but I’m on here. Every day I say I shan’t log on fab in the office today but I do. It lures me. Is there some sort of rehab I can go to?
It's called "leave your phone at home day"
It hasn't taken off just yet, give it a few years and it will become a thing
But but my office is at home
Ahhh, then we shall need to crank it up a notch.
BAD GIRL... NO!
If you need more scolding or treats taking away I'll do it. Either that or I'll arrange for a troop of midget clowns to invade your office."
Clowns!! Noooooo. Anything but clowns! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Vindication.... such a wonderful thing.
I knew.
I knew I wasn't going mad.
I never thought I'd find out the truth but now I have.
If ya know.... ya know.
|
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Dear Aunty P,
I am lost, I need some guidance....
My beloved pastime, playing football has been cancelled tonight, too many ignorant arse nuggets are either on holiday or say they can't play tonight!!
HELP....I need suggestions....what should I do instead?? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
I am lost, I need some guidance....
My beloved pastime, playing football has been cancelled tonight, too many ignorant arse nuggets are either on holiday or say they can't play tonight!!
HELP....I need suggestions....what should I do instead?? "
Learn all the words to the Um-Bongo song whilst wearing a mankini and banana hat |
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"Dear Aunty P,
I am lost, I need some guidance....
My beloved pastime, playing football has been cancelled tonight, too many ignorant arse nuggets are either on holiday or say they can't play tonight!!
HELP....I need suggestions....what should I do instead??
Learn all the words to the Um-Bongo song whilst wearing a mankini and banana hat"
I already know the Un-Bongo song off by heart...and the Ki-Ora one....I have a mankini....but no banana hat.....Will a Sombreo suffice??? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
I am lost, I need some guidance....
My beloved pastime, playing football has been cancelled tonight, too many ignorant arse nuggets are either on holiday or say they can't play tonight!!
HELP....I need suggestions....what should I do instead??
Learn all the words to the Um-Bongo song whilst wearing a mankini and banana hat
I already know the Un-Bongo song off by heart...and the Ki-Ora one....I have a mankini....but no banana hat.....Will a Sombreo suffice??? "
Only if you sing...
Myyyyyyy sister Belinda she leant out the winda and pissed on my sunny sombrero |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Boris prorogued Parliment. Except according to Lady Hale, he thinks he did, but he didn't. Did he? Should he? Can you clarify?"
Chumbawumba |
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