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Auntie Ps advice line
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Day off today mofos. Get in.
Got an issue? I'll be your tissue.
Tell me your woes hoes, what's making you sick prick?
Uncle B may be along later with his wisdom and huge schlong, until then... you got Auntie P beeeeeyaaaatches. |
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Aunty P, thank god!!!
Bad times at the O.K. Corel...
Some little jumped up fuck nuggeting frizzy haired cretin has decided to clean the works kitchen....but....the bitch has throw away my breakfast muesli....a full Fucking packet none the less...I'd only had one serving from it!!!
I'm seething.....any help on techniques to calm myself down or best course of retribution to the micro excuse for a human is muchly appreciated.....   |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Aunty P, thank god!!!
Bad times at the O.K. Corel...
Some little jumped up fuck nuggeting frizzy haired cretin has decided to clean the works kitchen....but....the bitch has throw away my breakfast muesli....a full Fucking packet none the less...I'd only had one serving from it!!!
I'm seething.....any help on techniques to calm myself down or best course of retribution to the micro excuse for a human is muchly appreciated..... "
You march that motherfucker down to maccies to get you a double sausage and egg mcmuffin.
Then shit in his brew. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have some truly filthy and debauched plans for my love but he's woken up full of snot and his throat hurts.
What can I do!?! "
Stick plans on hold and watch The Young Ones. The episode where Neil has the flu is the perfect viewing.
Your love will see he isn't in as bad a state as that and should start to feel instantly wimpy about his sore throat (you may wanna slow down ramming your strap on down it for a few days) and man the fuck up.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Help!
I'm drowning in toddler poonami, and it's making me heave, thus preventing any attempt at breakfast. Oh heavens, the smell  ."
*shudder*
Attach the garden hose to the hot water tap and have an "outdoor waterfall spa day" or play "nee naw nee naw fire brigaaaaaaade" and hose that walking cesspit down
Once temporarily clean you pack that germ factory off to granny's and lock the damn door |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Help!
I'm drowning in toddler poonami, and it's making me heave, thus preventing any attempt at breakfast. Oh heavens, the smell .
*shudder*
Attach the garden hose to the hot water tap and have an "outdoor waterfall spa day" or play "nee naw nee naw fire brigaaaaaaade" and hose that walking cesspit down
Once temporarily clean you pack that germ factory off to granny's and lock the damn door "
as an aside, I'm constantly singing the fuckin paw patrol theme tune. What's the cure peachy? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Help!
I'm drowning in toddler poonami, and it's making me heave, thus preventing any attempt at breakfast. Oh heavens, the smell .
*shudder*
Attach the garden hose to the hot water tap and have an "outdoor waterfall spa day" or play "nee naw nee naw fire brigaaaaaaade" and hose that walking cesspit down
Once temporarily clean you pack that germ factory off to granny's and lock the damn door as an aside, I'm constantly singing the fuckin paw patrol theme tune. What's the cure peachy? "
Horrible histories. The stupid death sing is a cunt of an earworm, but ..... you cant help doing a silly death dance as you're singing it, so it counts as exercise. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Auntie P, I want to meet women here but I get more views from males than females, I don't wanna block anyone but how can I cure this situation?????  "
Get down the local amateur dramatics group. There's real people there and everything, and a fair few have fannies.
You could always chop your cock off and pretend to be a bird. Bitches stalk other bitches on here so you'll get a views, you just won't know it as they go all Magnum PI and do it all on the sly with no paper trail |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Morning Aunty!
I have the ability to have 95% of my forum posts totally ignored. Can you ignore this and help me get to 96% please?
Thank you in advance and have a great day!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Auntie P, I want to meet women here but I get more views from males than females, I don't wanna block anyone but how can I cure this situation?????
Get down the local amateur dramatics group. There's real people there and everything, and a fair few have fannies.
You could always chop your cock off and pretend to be a bird. Bitches stalk other bitches on here so you'll get a views, you just won't know it as they go all Magnum PI and do it all on the sly with no paper trail "
  great advice thanks |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Morning Aunty!
I have the ability to have 95% of my forum posts totally ignored. Can you ignore this and help me get to 96% please?
Thank you in advance and have a great day! "
Get fucked stud I'm a rebel without a cause. I only ignore those who I dislike immensely or who's posts I miss by accident, or on threads I don't return to as I'm sure you well know by now.
Just for that you gotta give me 10.
Packets of twiglets.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Morning Aunty!
I have the ability to have 95% of my forum posts totally ignored. Can you ignore this and help me get to 96% please?
Thank you in advance and have a great day!
Get fucked stud I'm a rebel without a cause. I only ignore those who I dislike immensely or who's posts I miss by accident, or on threads I don't return to as I'm sure you well know by now.
Just for that you gotta give me 10.
Packets of twiglets.
"
I'll get you 15, since you're nice, bit My God! You couldn't have chosen a worse tasting snack lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Morning Aunty!
I have the ability to have 95% of my forum posts totally ignored. Can you ignore this and help me get to 96% please?
Thank you in advance and have a great day!
Get fucked stud I'm a rebel without a cause. I only ignore those who I dislike immensely or who's posts I miss by accident, or on threads I don't return to as I'm sure you well know by now.
Just for that you gotta give me 10.
Packets of twiglets.
I'll get you 15, since you're nice, bit My God! You couldn't have chosen a worse tasting snack lol"
Oooooo I fucking love a twiglet or 20. Chilli beef Jacob's crinkleys are also on my yum list.
Nom nom nom nom |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oh yay it’s wednesday! I wait all week for this!
Whoop whoop, shaking that ass, shaking that ass
And FYI I LOVE Jacobs chilli beef! Seriously I buy the big multi packs from pound stretcher "
Poundstretcher you say?! I may have to swing in instead of walking past  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What do I....errrr my friend do when the guys whose face I'm errrrrr they're sat on starts to turn blue and stops talking?
Asking for a friend "
You bagged yourself... your friend bagged herself a smurf who knows when to keep his thoughts to himself! Fucking jackpot babyyyyyy!
Be warned though, they tire easily so he may want to sleep for a few years |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Auntie P. Sorry to bother you but I’ve still got the urge to steal my neighbours knickers and now PP says if I take anymore he’s going to spank me with his rifle. Helppp"
Why are you even asking for advice JA? Even the Pope knows getting spanked with PPs rifle is on your fucket list, so you're just showing off.
He needs to realise you're doing him a favour pinching his knickers - the floral ones don't go with his eyes.
You could always give them all back in one go.... each pair pinned to his front door and glued to his front room window. He would love it |
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By *uciyassMan
over a year ago
sheffield |
"Auntie P. Sorry to bother you but I’ve still got the urge to steal my neighbours knickers and now PP says if I take anymore he’s going to spank me with his rifle. Helppp
Why are you even asking for advice JA? Even the Pope knows getting spanked with PPs rifle is on your fucket list, so you're just showing off.
He needs to realise you're doing him a favour pinching his knickers - the floral ones don't go with his eyes.
You could always give them all back in one go.... each pair pinned to his front door and glued to his front room window. He would love it "
I did try giving them back but he just got angry and grabbed his toblerone so I ran. I’ll try again thank you auntie |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Aunty P ....im stuck in a ball gown i tried on between clients and i have one about to walk through the door to get her furry purse waxed!!!!!
What do i do???
Style it out?? Say its my new uniform????
Help! |
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By *rivateparts!Man
over a year ago
Walking down the only road I've ever known! |
Auntie P, I thought we were friends and you know I'd never do anything that you wouldn't, and as you are aware I don't wear underwear. So I feel I'm being stitched up for something I haven't done |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Aunty P ....im stuck in a ball gown i tried on between clients and i have one about to walk through the door to get her furry purse waxed!!!!!
What do i do???
Style it out?? Say its my new uniform????
Help!"
Style it out like a boss!
New slogan: we wax your arse with class. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P, I thought we were friends and you know I'd never do anything that you wouldn't, and as you are aware I don't wear underwear. So I feel I'm being stitched up for something I haven't done "
*whistles innocently*
Giz a bite of your toblerone? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Aunty P ....im stuck in a ball gown i tried on between clients and i have one about to walk through the door to get her furry purse waxed!!!!!
What do i do???
Style it out?? Say its my new uniform????
Help!
Style it out like a boss!
New slogan: we wax your arse with class."
Love it! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I know people who don't seem to understand cutlery. I need a dramatic way to display what each of the items are. Iconic, maybe foreign because that obviously adds gravitas to any situation. Help! "
You must have seen that kitchenalia that has the name of the items fucking written on them. Plate has plate written on it, fork has fork written on it.
Get a set of that, if ya really wanna get fancy and posh, get a plain set and write the words on with sharpie, in different languages to add some pizzazz |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas? "
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices."
Well I wanked that one up, it's the bop we're on the search for.
I'm stumped, no, no, was just a trump brrrrppppftt.
We need a full investigation and time machine to take us back to go on a journey of discovery. It could change the world. |
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By *rivateparts!Man
over a year ago
Walking down the only road I've ever known! |
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices."
I'd like to know who put the cunt in scunthorpe |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
Well I wanked that one up, it's the bop we're on the search for.
I'm stumped, no, no, was just a trump brrrrppppftt.
We need a full investigation and time machine to take us back to go on a journey of discovery. It could change the world."
I did wonder if it might have been Sarge or Rosemary, the telephone operator? But discounted them - Henry the mild mannered janitor is still in the frame though and Genghis too - he's suspect but not sure he has a bop in him |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
I'd like to know who put the cunt in scunthorpe "
I've never been so wasn't me! Finally something I can't get blamed for.
Celebrate this moment. I AM INNOCENT |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
Well I wanked that one up, it's the bop we're on the search for.
I'm stumped, no, no, was just a trump brrrrppppftt.
We need a full investigation and time machine to take us back to go on a journey of discovery. It could change the world.
I did wonder if it might have been Sarge or Rosemary, the telephone operator? But discounted them - Henry the mild mannered janitor is still in the frame though and Genghis too - he's suspect but not sure he has a bop in him"
Has scrappy sniffed the janitors bucket and given him a sly eye curious look? That could be a clue.
I think Ghengis may have the bop, but only on a full moon so it all comes down to the lunar timing of when the bop was inserted.
|
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By *rivateparts!Man
over a year ago
Walking down the only road I've ever known! |
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
I'd like to know who put the cunt in scunthorpe
I've never been so wasn't me! Finally something I can't get blamed for.
Celebrate this moment. I AM INNOCENT "
It's not often you say that statement  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
I'd like to know who put the cunt in scunthorpe
I've never been so wasn't me! Finally something I can't get blamed for.
Celebrate this moment. I AM INNOCENT
It's not often you say that statement "
I'm ordering myself a certificate and Terry's chocolate orange |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
Well I wanked that one up, it's the bop we're on the search for.
I'm stumped, no, no, was just a trump brrrrppppftt.
We need a full investigation and time machine to take us back to go on a journey of discovery. It could change the world.
I did wonder if it might have been Sarge or Rosemary, the telephone operator? But discounted them - Henry the mild mannered janitor is still in the frame though and Genghis too - he's suspect but not sure he has a bop in him
Has scrappy sniffed the janitors bucket and given him a sly eye curious look? That could be a clue.
I think Ghengis may have the bop, but only on a full moon so it all comes down to the lunar timing of when the bop was inserted.
"
Scrappy was nowhere to be seen but Inch High Private Eye is on the case.
Good point about Genghis time to consult the lunar modules I guess |
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Dear Auntie P,
I have a bit of an emergency on my hands.
.......well in my pants to be more precise as I’ve inadvertently shit myself whilst shopping in Waitrose.
As you know, this is an upper market establishment (I wouldn’t bother you if I shat myself in Asda as everyone does it there anyway).
I’m presently stood in the freezer aisle which is currently clear but am very conscious that the smell is bloody awful and getting worse.
How should I proceed in this situation? Is there anyway in which I might yet save my dignity and manage to disguise my shitty shame? Please help!!!  |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have a bit of an emergency on my hands.
.......well in my pants to be more precise as I’ve inadvertently shit myself whilst shopping in Waitrose.
As you know, this is an upper market establishment (I wouldn’t bother you if I shat myself in Asda as everyone does it there anyway).
I’m presently stood in the freezer aisle which is currently clear but am very conscious that the smell is bloody awful and getting worse.
How should I proceed in this situation? Is there anyway in which I might yet save my dignity and manage to disguise my shitty shame? Please help!!! "
It's a social experiment! Rich wankers dig that shit! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
Well I wanked that one up, it's the bop we're on the search for.
I'm stumped, no, no, was just a trump brrrrppppftt.
We need a full investigation and time machine to take us back to go on a journey of discovery. It could change the world.
I did wonder if it might have been Sarge or Rosemary, the telephone operator? But discounted them - Henry the mild mannered janitor is still in the frame though and Genghis too - he's suspect but not sure he has a bop in him
Has scrappy sniffed the janitors bucket and given him a sly eye curious look? That could be a clue.
I think Ghengis may have the bop, but only on a full moon so it all comes down to the lunar timing of when the bop was inserted.
Scrappy was nowhere to be seen but Inch High Private Eye is on the case.
Good point about Genghis time to consult the lunar modules I guess"
Good shout.
You got this nailed.
Touchè awaaaaaaaay |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I have a bit of an emergency on my hands.
.......well in my pants to be more precise as I’ve inadvertently shit myself whilst shopping in Waitrose.
As you know, this is an upper market establishment (I wouldn’t bother you if I shat myself in Asda as everyone does it there anyway).
I’m presently stood in the freezer aisle which is currently clear but am very conscious that the smell is bloody awful and getting worse.
How should I proceed in this situation? Is there anyway in which I might yet save my dignity and manage to disguise my shitty shame? Please help!!! "
Unplug the freezer and open some packets that are in there. Alert the staff. Tell them you dropped your keys in, and upon climbing in to retrieve them you discovered that something has definitely gone off in there and has not only leaked but smells like shit. Demand they replace your clothing as part compensation and pick up your shopping bill as the other part. |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have a bit of an emergency on my hands.
.......well in my pants to be more precise as I’ve inadvertently shit myself whilst shopping in Waitrose.
As you know, this is an upper market establishment (I wouldn’t bother you if I shat myself in Asda as everyone does it there anyway).
I’m presently stood in the freezer aisle which is currently clear but am very conscious that the smell is bloody awful and getting worse.
How should I proceed in this situation? Is there anyway in which I might yet save my dignity and manage to disguise my shitty shame? Please help!!!
It's a social experiment! Rich wankers dig that shit! "
I should embrace the situation you mean?
Hmmmm.....funnily enough and now that you mention it, I am feeling an admittedly curious feeling of liberation in soiling my kegs in public..... |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have a bit of an emergency on my hands.
.......well in my pants to be more precise as I’ve inadvertently shit myself whilst shopping in Waitrose.
As you know, this is an upper market establishment (I wouldn’t bother you if I shat myself in Asda as everyone does it there anyway).
I’m presently stood in the freezer aisle which is currently clear but am very conscious that the smell is bloody awful and getting worse.
How should I proceed in this situation? Is there anyway in which I might yet save my dignity and manage to disguise my shitty shame? Please help!!!
Unplug the freezer and open some packets that are in there. Alert the staff. Tell them you dropped your keys in, and upon climbing in to retrieve them you discovered that something has definitely gone off in there and has not only leaked but smells like shit. Demand they replace your clothing as part compensation and pick up your shopping bill as the other part."
Sage advice as always Auntie P which I’ve followed to the letter 
As a direct consequence, it’s really quite amazing how apologetic the staff and manager have been in this situation.
They’ve even furnished me with a load of coupons for future use!
Thank you so much once again Auntie; I’m off to deliberately shit myself in Morrisons now |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I have a bit of an emergency on my hands.
.......well in my pants to be more precise as I’ve inadvertently shit myself whilst shopping in Waitrose.
As you know, this is an upper market establishment (I wouldn’t bother you if I shat myself in Asda as everyone does it there anyway).
I’m presently stood in the freezer aisle which is currently clear but am very conscious that the smell is bloody awful and getting worse.
How should I proceed in this situation? Is there anyway in which I might yet save my dignity and manage to disguise my shitty shame? Please help!!!
Unplug the freezer and open some packets that are in there. Alert the staff. Tell them you dropped your keys in, and upon climbing in to retrieve them you discovered that something has definitely gone off in there and has not only leaked but smells like shit. Demand they replace your clothing as part compensation and pick up your shopping bill as the other part.
Sage advice as always Auntie P which I’ve followed to the letter
As a direct consequence, it’s really quite amazing how apologetic the staff and manager have been in this situation.
They’ve even furnished me with a load of coupons for future use!
Thank you so much once again Auntie; I’m off to deliberately shit myself in Morrisons now "
Winner winner freebie dinner |
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Dear Aunty P,
Major Issue....here reporting for duty....
I think I have inadvertently introduced a large section of the community to Munging....I did not mean to do this...it is disgusting...
Now I feel I'm getting a bad rep as some kind of sick crazy depraved necrophilia loving jizz filled simian.... 
Any help with dispelling this ludicrous theory....???
Love
Jizzy |
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"Dear Aunty P,
Major Issue....here reporting for duty....
I think I have inadvertently introduced a large section of the community to Munging....I did not mean to do this...it is disgusting...
Now I feel I'm getting a bad rep as some kind of sick crazy depraved necrophilia loving jizz filled simian....
Any help with dispelling this ludicrous theory....???
Love
Jizzy "
Dear Auntie P,
I was one of the many innocent victims who fell foul to this decidedly unwholesome enlightenment yesterday evening.
I have not been able to eat since and experienced some rather horrific dreams last night....
Is there some way to purge this information from my brain? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Apologies, Auntie P is currently taking a mid-afternoon nap break and shall be along to answer your woes before long. I'd answer them myself but I'm busy earning a bob more honest than George Formby even!
Uncle B |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Major Issue....here reporting for duty....
I think I have inadvertently introduced a large section of the community to Munging....I did not mean to do this...it is disgusting...
Now I feel I'm getting a bad rep as some kind of sick crazy depraved necrophilia loving jizz filled simian....
Any help with dispelling this ludicrous theory....???
Love
Jizzy "
Does this have something to do with bean insertion? Are you trying to trick me into investigating?
Create a new profile pic with something debauched, depraved and highly controversial, like pulling the head off a barbie doll and fucking it's neck hole. That'll take the spotlight off of mungbeanville |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Major Issue....here reporting for duty....
I think I have inadvertently introduced a large section of the community to Munging....I did not mean to do this...it is disgusting...
Now I feel I'm getting a bad rep as some kind of sick crazy depraved necrophilia loving jizz filled simian....
Any help with dispelling this ludicrous theory....???
Love
Jizzy
Dear Auntie P,
I was one of the many innocent victims who fell foul to this decidedly unwholesome enlightenment yesterday evening.
I have not been able to eat since and experienced some rather horrific dreams last night....
Is there some way to purge this information from my brain? "
Watch an episode of queer eye - more than a makeover. You'll be hooked after the first and your brain will be able to think of nothing else |
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Ok I’m actually gonna ask for some “genuine” advice for first time... ok so I have just had a really hot guys wife message me asking if I’m ok to let her (very handsome/hung) husband have a go on me... ? :/ I’m usually very open minded but something seems a little off here too me.. advice please? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How do I get a kinky girlfriend?
Bonus points if the advice works!"
The kinky ones also tend to be a bit on the mental side.
Hang about outside the local psych ward, you'll be knee deep in kinky axe wound before you can count to potato |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Ok I’m actually gonna ask for some “genuine” advice for first time... ok so I have just had a really hot guys wife message me asking if I’m ok to let her (very handsome/hung) husband have a go on me... ? :/ I’m usually very open minded but something seems a little off here too me.. advice please? "
What a charmer.
Do they have verifications?
Trust your gut. You've seen the film se7en right? He may have one of those sword shafts that slices you up upon entry |
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"Ok I’m actually gonna ask for some “genuine” advice for first time... ok so I have just had a really hot guys wife message me asking if I’m ok to let her (very handsome/hung) husband have a go on me... ? :/ I’m usually very open minded but something seems a little off here too me.. advice please?
What a charmer.
Do they have verifications?
Trust your gut. You've seen the film se7en right? He may have one of those sword shafts that slices you up upon entry "
Oh thanks ....... I dont wanna look like sushi... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Ok I’m actually gonna ask for some “genuine” advice for first time... ok so I have just had a really hot guys wife message me asking if I’m ok to let her (very handsome/hung) husband have a go on me... ? :/ I’m usually very open minded but something seems a little off here too me.. advice please?
What a charmer.
Do they have verifications?
Trust your gut. You've seen the film se7en right? He may have one of those sword shafts that slices you up upon entry
Oh thanks ....... I dont wanna look like sushi... "
Now THAT is devil food |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do I get a kinky girlfriend?
Bonus points if the advice works!
The kinky ones also tend to be a bit on the mental side.
Hang about outside the local psych ward, you'll be knee deep in kinky axe wound before you can count to potato "
I can do with a bit of mental side, makes the sex more interesting!
No psyche word near me though |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How do I get a kinky girlfriend?
Bonus points if the advice works!
The kinky ones also tend to be a bit on the mental side.
Hang about outside the local psych ward, you'll be knee deep in kinky axe wound before you can count to potato
I can do with a bit of mental side, makes the sex more interesting!
No psyche word near me though "
Even better... now you have the reason to go on a road trip! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Auntie P,
I'm struggling for a nice massage oil/lotion.
I've tried
Olive oil, grape seed oil, cocoa butter, dove baby lotion, Nivea lotion, coconut oil, various massage oils from adult sites such as Ann summers and love honey.
But I haven't found one that covers the skin nicely, doesn't leave a greasy film AND smells nice.
Help |
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Dear Auntie P,
A mate has just called me gullible.
I was really hurt by this
Just to clear matters up, can you please confirm that by attaching a car battery to my bollocks via crocodile leads, I’ll be able to fire off five pints worth of cum? |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I'm struggling for a nice massage oil/lotion.
I've tried
Olive oil, grape seed oil, cocoa butter, dove baby lotion, Nivea lotion, coconut oil, various massage oils from adult sites such as Ann summers and love honey.
But I haven't found one that covers the skin nicely, doesn't leave a greasy film AND smells nice.
Help"
Fanny juice. |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
A mate has just called me gullible.
I was really hurt by this
Just to clear matters up, can you please confirm that by attaching a car battery to my bollocks via crocodile leads, I’ll be able to fire off five pints worth of cum? "
Of course I can, get your arse over here within the next hour and I'll do all of those things plus share my winning euromillions ticket with you |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I'm struggling for a nice massage oil/lotion.
I've tried
Olive oil, grape seed oil, cocoa butter, dove baby lotion, Nivea lotion, coconut oil, various massage oils from adult sites such as Ann summers and love honey.
But I haven't found one that covers the skin nicely, doesn't leave a greasy film AND smells nice.
Help
I
Fanny juice."
Can you send me a bottle? |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I'm struggling for a nice massage oil/lotion.
I've tried
Olive oil, grape seed oil, cocoa butter, dove baby lotion, Nivea lotion, coconut oil, various massage oils from adult sites such as Ann summers and love honey.
But I haven't found one that covers the skin nicely, doesn't leave a greasy film AND smells nice.
Help
I
Fanny juice.
Can you send me a bottle?"
With or without week old spunk and a side order of BV? |
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"Dear Auntie P,
A mate has just called me gullible.
I was really hurt by this
Just to clear matters up, can you please confirm that by attaching a car battery to my bollocks via crocodile leads, I’ll be able to fire off five pints worth of cum?
Of course I can, get your arse over here within the next hour and I'll do all of those things plus share my winning euromillions ticket with you "
Thank you Auntie
Wise as ever and generous to boot!
I’ve already decided upon what to spend some of the money on: A trip to Lapland to meet Santa. I’ll prove the naysayers wrong once and for all when I get a selfie with the great man |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I'm struggling for a nice massage oil/lotion.
I've tried
Olive oil, grape seed oil, cocoa butter, dove baby lotion, Nivea lotion, coconut oil, various massage oils from adult sites such as Ann summers and love honey.
But I haven't found one that covers the skin nicely, doesn't leave a greasy film AND smells nice.
Help
I
Fanny juice.
Can you send me a bottle?
With or without week old spunk and a side order of BV?"
Without please |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’m off to Spain next few days. There are nudist beaches nearby and I’ve been there before. I’m a gay man and there’s not much eye candy. I mean guys that get naked are double my age. Spain is a catholic country and you can’t really flaunt your sexuality there. Thank god for Grindr. It even that is tiresome. Most guys live with their families. Any advice auntie? |
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Dear Aunty P
I've recently realised that I'm quite transparent....people see straight through me and what I'm like....in a good way mind!!
Should I add more mystery to me as I seem to do okay with being transparent but feel that people know everything about me very quickly....any ideas...Should I go fab incognito etc?? 
Faithfully
Jizzy |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
A mate has just called me gullible.
I was really hurt by this
Just to clear matters up, can you please confirm that by attaching a car battery to my bollocks via crocodile leads, I’ll be able to fire off five pints worth of cum?
Of course I can, get your arse over here within the next hour and I'll do all of those things plus share my winning euromillions ticket with you
Thank you Auntie
Wise as ever and generous to boot!
I’ve already decided upon what to spend some of the money on: A trip to Lapland to meet Santa. I’ll prove the naysayers wrong once and for all when I get a selfie with the great man "
Yaaaaaaay
Make sure you stop off on the way and have a coffee with the tooth fairy |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’m off to Spain next few days. There are nudist beaches nearby and I’ve been there before. I’m a gay man and there’s not much eye candy. I mean guys that get naked are double my age. Spain is a catholic country and you can’t really flaunt your sexuality there. Thank god for Grindr. It even that is tiresome. Most guys live with their families. Any advice auntie? "
Yes, forget Spain and hit the gay scene in Brum.
Wasting your fucking money on flights when you could be elbow deep in rectum. Pfffft |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P
I've recently realised that I'm quite transparent....people see straight through me and what I'm like....in a good way mind!!
Should I add more mystery to me as I seem to do okay with being transparent but feel that people know everything about me very quickly....any ideas...Should I go fab incognito etc??
Faithfully
Jizzy "
Aaaaaaye aye babooshka babooshka babooshka aye aye
Mystery is ok but authenticity and transparency has its merits.
Or you could just ram raid Hogwarts and pilfer the invisibility cloak |
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"
Faithfully
Jizzy
Aaaaaaye aye babooshka babooshka babooshka aye aye
Mystery is ok but authenticity and transparency has its merits.
Or you could just ram raid Hogwarts and pilfer the invisibility cloak "
Love a bit of impromptu Kate Bush....
Right I'm hopping on my Nimbus 3000 and getting that invisibility cloak off that little spectacled Potter lad....I know the way to Hogwarts.... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
People who tell me I'm responsible for their feelings. With what lube should I shove it up their arse? "
We all have to take responsibility for our own shiz. We also need to remember that sometimes our actions CAN contribute to how another person feels. Yes they may be in charge of their reactions, however we do have an impact.
My ex abused me, his actions caused me great hurt. He was responsible for that, yet I was responsible for staying in the situation as long as I did.
Massively depends on the context and situation.
Hot wet wax. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Faithfully
Jizzy
Aaaaaaye aye babooshka babooshka babooshka aye aye
Mystery is ok but authenticity and transparency has its merits.
Or you could just ram raid Hogwarts and pilfer the invisibility cloak
Love a bit of impromptu Kate Bush....
Right I'm hopping on my Nimbus 3000 and getting that invisibility cloak off that little spectacled Potter lad....I know the way to Hogwarts.... "
Sweet as a nut sunshine, grab us some butterbeer |
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"
Faithfully
Jizzy
Aaaaaaye aye babooshka babooshka babooshka aye aye
Mystery is ok but authenticity and transparency has its merits.
Or you could just ram raid Hogwarts and pilfer the invisibility cloak
Love a bit of impromptu Kate Bush....
Right I'm hopping on my Nimbus 3000 and getting that invisibility cloak off that little spectacled Potter lad....I know the way to Hogwarts....
Sweet as a nut sunshine, grab us some butterbeer "
.....read this a NutButter at first glance Aunty P.... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Faithfully
Jizzy
Aaaaaaye aye babooshka babooshka babooshka aye aye
Mystery is ok but authenticity and transparency has its merits.
Or you could just ram raid Hogwarts and pilfer the invisibility cloak
Love a bit of impromptu Kate Bush....
Right I'm hopping on my Nimbus 3000 and getting that invisibility cloak off that little spectacled Potter lad....I know the way to Hogwarts....
Sweet as a nut sunshine, grab us some butterbeer
.....read this a NutButter at first glance Aunty P.... "
Fuck, that's what the massage dude needs.
MASSAGE DUUUUUUUUDE, NUTBUTTER IS WHAT YOU NEED! |
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Dear Aunty P
I'm fuming, I have just got home, some absolute Shit pipe ignoramus has blocked the Fucking drive and I can't get in....do you think pouring my old engine oil over their car is too extreme??? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P
I'm fuming, I have just got home, some absolute Shit pipe ignoramus has blocked the Fucking drive and I can't get in....do you think pouring my old engine oil over their car is too extreme???"
Slightly, use nail varnish remover and shit on the bonnet. |
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Auntie P! Hope I'm not too late for the advice line, it's been a busy old day. I am bloody knackered and can't be arsed cooking. What should I have for tea which gives maximum taste for minimum effort?
Mrs TMN x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P! Hope I'm not too late for the advice line, it's been a busy old day. I am bloody knackered and can't be arsed cooking. What should I have for tea which gives maximum taste for minimum effort?
Mrs TMN x"
Sauce sandwich.
Versatile and tasty, you can have spiked maple sauce, red sauce, brown sauce, bbq sauce, man wang sauce...the list is endless. |
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"Auntie P! Hope I'm not too late for the advice line, it's been a busy old day. I am bloody knackered and can't be arsed cooking. What should I have for tea which gives maximum taste for minimum effort?
Mrs TMN x
Sauce sandwich.
Versatile and tasty, you can have spiked maple sauce, red sauce, brown sauce, bbq sauce, man wang sauce...the list is endless."
Ooh! Maybe a ketchup and mayo sandwich. Yum yum x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P! Hope I'm not too late for the advice line, it's been a busy old day. I am bloody knackered and can't be arsed cooking. What should I have for tea which gives maximum taste for minimum effort?
Mrs TMN x
Sauce sandwich.
Versatile and tasty, you can have spiked maple sauce, red sauce, brown sauce, bbq sauce, man wang sauce...the list is endless.
Ooh! Maybe a ketchup and mayo sandwich. Yum yum x"
Oh Padwan, you had the knowledge all along |
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"Auntie P! Hope I'm not too late for the advice line, it's been a busy old day. I am bloody knackered and can't be arsed cooking. What should I have for tea which gives maximum taste for minimum effort?
Mrs TMN x
Sauce sandwich.
Versatile and tasty, you can have spiked maple sauce, red sauce, brown sauce, bbq sauce, man wang sauce...the list is endless.
Ooh! Maybe a ketchup and mayo sandwich. Yum yum x
Oh Padwan, you had the knowledge all along "
I have actually ended up making buttercream icing and eating it with a spoon.
I need help. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P! Hope I'm not too late for the advice line, it's been a busy old day. I am bloody knackered and can't be arsed cooking. What should I have for tea which gives maximum taste for minimum effort?
Mrs TMN x
Sauce sandwich.
Versatile and tasty, you can have spiked maple sauce, red sauce, brown sauce, bbq sauce, man wang sauce...the list is endless.
Ooh! Maybe a ketchup and mayo sandwich. Yum yum x
Oh Padwan, you had the knowledge all along
I have actually ended up making buttercream icing and eating it with a spoon.
I need help. "
I could quite easily do that if I could be bothered. Or if I liked icing.
I think I like the buttercream stuff actually.
My body and brain want a nap and I'm unsure what's going on.
Some advice line or some shizzle. |
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"Auntie P! Hope I'm not too late for the advice line, it's been a busy old day. I am bloody knackered and can't be arsed cooking. What should I have for tea which gives maximum taste for minimum effort?
Mrs TMN x
Sauce sandwich.
Versatile and tasty, you can have spiked maple sauce, red sauce, brown sauce, bbq sauce, man wang sauce...the list is endless.
Ooh! Maybe a ketchup and mayo sandwich. Yum yum x
Oh Padwan, you had the knowledge all along
I have actually ended up making buttercream icing and eating it with a spoon.
I need help.
I could quite easily do that if I could be bothered. Or if I liked icing.
I think I like the buttercream stuff actually.
My body and brain want a nap and I'm unsure what's going on.
Some advice line or some shizzle."
Butter. Icing sugar. Beat them together.
Done! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Marge..
What if I meet a "tenner lady" and I've only got £9"
Who the fuck is Marge? I ain't got a big blue bouffant.
If you're gonna address me do it properly.
Like this..
Dear Cunt
Insert question about tenner lady and only having £9
Fear not, if your body is on form she's want to be with you always |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
My local shop has run out of ring doughnuts and I'm due to suck one off my fwbs cock tomorrow...
What should I do??????
 "
You'll have to grab a packet of party ring biscuits instead, then act like you've never seen anything like it when you gasp "my god, how did you make your cock grow so much, so soon?"
Act all surprised n shit |
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"Dear Auntie P
My local shop has run out of ring doughnuts and I'm due to suck one off my fwbs cock tomorrow...
What should I do??????
You'll have to grab a packet of party ring biscuits instead, then act like you've never seen anything like it when you gasp "my god, how did you make your cock grow so much, so soon?"
Act all surprised n shit "
Thank you for your wise words |
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Dear Aunty P,
I've just returned from football, rather tired, I think the neighbours think I'm mad for my stupidly bright tops...it got me thinking...if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum, how could I best convince them that I was actually sane and not just pretending to be sane?? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
I've just returned from football, rather tired, I think the neighbours think I'm mad for my stupidly bright tops...it got me thinking...if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum, how could I best convince them that I was actually sane and not just pretending to be sane??"
You tell them to contact me. I'll come down and show them what real insanity looks like  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Uncle B
I miss you."
Well fear not my overworked beloved OH, listening ear and rare source of succour and comfort to those in turmoil, for Uncle B is riding over the horizon as we speak!
Uncle B |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Left....
Dear Aunty P,
I sometimes wonder about the specialness of some of our users....do you think an intelligence test might work well for FAB???
"
You have your friendly Uncle answering this one old bean, the simple answer is with most things on Fab is "Some it would, some it wouldn't."
However a large percentage of those who "failed" this intelligence test would show up on these threads, weeping uncontrollably whilst they typed posts such as "Help Auntie B and Uncle P Fab tests say I'm special but really I think they mean I'm thick as pigshit. Indeed if someone told me that I didn't know my arse from my elbow, I would fully prove them wrong by heading into the toilet, crooking my arm and inserting it into the toilet bowl when I went for a shit. How can I bullshit people into thinking I'm really clever?"
Now I don't know about you, but I believe that the majority of troubled souls seeking sanctuary hereupon could well do without having to compete with this kind of drivel?
Uncle B |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Oh Auntie P - this is a doozy - I figured out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and I even worked out who out put the dip in the dip da dip da dip - but the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop has me scratching my head.
Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck, I put the chang in the chang chang changitty chang sha bop.
Must be some ninja warrior type....or a Witchdoctor, they can be tricksy.
Nope nope, I got it.
It was B. He LOVES to dip
His wick in my orifices.
Well I wanked that one up, it's the bop we're on the search for.
I'm stumped, no, no, was just a trump brrrrppppftt.
We need a full investigation and time machine to take us back to go on a journey of discovery. It could change the world.
I did wonder if it might have been Sarge or Rosemary, the telephone operator? But discounted them - Henry the mild mannered janitor is still in the frame though and Genghis too - he's suspect but not sure he has a bop in him
Has scrappy sniffed the janitors bucket and given him a sly eye curious look? That could be a clue.
I think Ghengis may have the bop, but only on a full moon so it all comes down to the lunar timing of when the bop was inserted.
"
Bee boo bop bang bang willa willa wing a ding dong.
|
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