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Auntie Ps advice line
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I know I normally do this on my day off, but the cunting housework fairies never showed AGAIN today while I was at work so I'll be busy cleaning tomorrow.
So, what's your beef?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a curious sexual proclivity for inserting the electrical plug from my TV into my bum hole.
My question is: Will this affect my License Fee charge?"
Your license fee is safe, but don't make me need to Google big fucking words mukka, that's not on after a day of getting my brain fried at work.  |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a curious sexual proclivity for inserting the electrical plug from my TV into my bum hole.
My question is: Will this affect my License Fee charge?
Your license fee is safe, but don't make me need to Google big fucking words mukka, that's not on after a day of getting my brain fried at work. "
Thank you Auntie P x
Thanks to your reassuring advice, I’ve now felt more confident to insert other electrical appliances into my leather bagel.
The new Shark vacuum cleaner was particularly enjoyable (despite the unfortunate trip to A&E)  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a curious sexual proclivity for inserting the electrical plug from my TV into my bum hole.
My question is: Will this affect my License Fee charge?
Your license fee is safe, but don't make me need to Google big fucking words mukka, that's not on after a day of getting my brain fried at work.
Thank you Auntie P x
Thanks to your reassuring advice, I’ve now felt more confident to insert other electrical appliances into my leather bagel.
The new Shark vacuum cleaner was particularly enjoyable (despite the unfortunate trip to A&E) "
Oooooo I love my Shark.
Rubber ring for you.
Cut a hole in the seat of your favourite armchair, place bucket in hole. Wallop the rubber ring over said hole and the bucket will catch any blood drips keeping your favourite armchair smear free and in tact |
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Dear Auntie P
The lergy has hit me hard, I'll probably be sweating it out till Saturday...
My problem: its my cake day on Sunday and I had a banquet of cakey goodness including cocktail inspired éclairs!
Do I lock my doors (sweat it out in my fluffy dressing gown) and turn family n friends away as I've no treats to feed them? Or do I try bake a few cupcakes to appease the horde?
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a curious sexual proclivity for inserting the electrical plug from my TV into my bum hole.
My question is: Will this affect my License Fee charge?
Your license fee is safe, but don't make me need to Google big fucking words mukka, that's not on after a day of getting my brain fried at work.
Thank you Auntie P x
Thanks to your reassuring advice, I’ve now felt more confident to insert other electrical appliances into my leather bagel.
The new Shark vacuum cleaner was particularly enjoyable (despite the unfortunate trip to A&E)
Oooooo I love my Shark.
Rubber ring for you.
Cut a hole in the seat of your favourite armchair, place bucket in hole. Wallop the rubber ring over said hole and the bucket will catch any blood drips keeping your favourite armchair smear free and in tact "
 That’s awesome advice Auntie.
As a side bonus, I’ve also found that by following your instructions, I no longer need to have to get up out of my seat to use the loo as the bucket serves a dual function.
It’s win/win all the way  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
The lergy has hit me hard, I'll probably be sweating it out till Saturday...
My problem: its my cake day on Sunday and I had a banquet of cakey goodness including cocktail inspired éclairs!
Do I lock my doors (sweat it out in my fluffy dressing gown) and turn family n friends away as I've no treats to feed them? Or do I try bake a few cupcakes to appease the horde?
"
You tell them your oven has broken and they need to supply the goods! Winner |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a curious sexual proclivity for inserting the electrical plug from my TV into my bum hole.
My question is: Will this affect my License Fee charge?
Your license fee is safe, but don't make me need to Google big fucking words mukka, that's not on after a day of getting my brain fried at work.
Thank you Auntie P x
Thanks to your reassuring advice, I’ve now felt more confident to insert other electrical appliances into my leather bagel.
The new Shark vacuum cleaner was particularly enjoyable (despite the unfortunate trip to A&E)
Oooooo I love my Shark.
Rubber ring for you.
Cut a hole in the seat of your favourite armchair, place bucket in hole. Wallop the rubber ring over said hole and the bucket will catch any blood drips keeping your favourite armchair smear free and in tact
That’s awesome advice Auntie.
As a side bonus, I’ve also found that by following your instructions, I no longer need to have to get up out of my seat to use the loo as the bucket serves a dual function.
It’s win/win all the way "
Fashion a loo roll holder onto a baseball cap.
I envy you so much right now |
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"Dear Auntie P
The lergy has hit me hard, I'll probably be sweating it out till Saturday...
My problem: its my cake day on Sunday and I had a banquet of cakey goodness including cocktail inspired éclairs!
Do I lock my doors (sweat it out in my fluffy dressing gown) and turn family n friends away as I've no treats to feed them? Or do I try bake a few cupcakes to appease the horde?
You tell them your oven has broken and they need to supply the goods! Winner "
Pffttt my family buy cake!! I can hear it now.. Why did you get sick, we want cake! It's your birthday you're supposed to bake cake! 
I'll hide |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
The lergy has hit me hard, I'll probably be sweating it out till Saturday...
My problem: its my cake day on Sunday and I had a banquet of cakey goodness including cocktail inspired éclairs!
Do I lock my doors (sweat it out in my fluffy dressing gown) and turn family n friends away as I've no treats to feed them? Or do I try bake a few cupcakes to appease the horde?
You tell them your oven has broken and they need to supply the goods! Winner
Pffttt my family buy cake!! I can hear it now.. Why did you get sick, we want cake! It's your birthday you're supposed to bake cake!
I'll hide"
Fuck it.... move house |
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Dear Aunty P,
Bad day for me....just got home from football, one of the knob jockeys on the other team booted the ball over the fence and in the nettles....no one would fetch it so I did.....now I'm covered on Fucking stings and I'm in agony....got any remedies??? Heeeeellllppplll its sssoooooooo itchy!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Aunty P,
Bad day for me....just got home from football, one of the knob jockeys on the other team booted the ball over the fence and in the nettles....no one would fetch it so I did.....now I'm covered on Fucking stings and I'm in agony....got any remedies??? Heeeeellllppplll its sssoooooooo itchy!!! "
I find taking out frustrations and pain on the creator of the situation seems to help mahoosively. I insist you find the one with a foot like a sledgehammer, stick a full box of swan vesta matches up his botty and one in each nostril for good measure then proceed to shout "heads up"
Whilst his gaze is averted to the clouds above, push out one almighty bum burp and light the fucker. His match filled nostrils and rectum will light up the sky like a catherine wheel. Ahhhhhhhhh aaand relax |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Aunty P,
How do you explain when you inadvertently use Fab nicknames (like Swing) in front of vanilla people? "
Meh, just tell them you called them by the wrong name once accidentally, and it was sooooo outrageous it simply had to stick |
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Dear Aunty P,
Sorry,to bother you today as I know remember you are busy masterb....doing house work....
But this little doosie is bothering me...
Was every episode of Popeye a bittersweet story of a raging alcoholic, was his tin of spinach really a can of beer, even down to his speech impediment and his tendency to fight people he believes were trying to "Steal his girl"???
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Aunty P,
I’ve scheduled the day so I can work from home - thing is. I just fancy browsing fab & wanking the day away... what do I do? Do I schedule a wank break in?
The work is minimal to do...
It’s a real problem; thinking with my penis that is. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Sorry,to bother you today as I know remember you are busy masterb....doing house work....
But this little doosie is bothering me...
Was every episode of Popeye a bittersweet story of a raging alcoholic, was his tin of spinach really a can of beer, even down to his speech impediment and his tendency to fight people he believes were trying to "Steal his girl"???
"
All is forgiven, I'm still in the waking up stage of the day so I've not plugged the shark in yet. I must nip out the get the dog some food very shortly tho.
I think you hit the nail on the head. His sudden super strength was no more than the result of some Dutch courage.
Side note, I had a dream there was a spider the size of 2 dinner plates just walking up and down my stairs. I also had a minge so hairy it was like that advert
Karen, Karen, we have a non responsive cat here |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
I’ve scheduled the day so I can work from home - thing is. I just fancy browsing fab & wanking the day away... what do I do? Do I schedule a wank break in?
The work is minimal to do...
It’s a real problem; thinking with my penis that is."
Chop the bugger off, problem solved |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fear Aunty P,
I have a massive dilemma what should I do...
Option 1, 2 or 3?
Awaiting your mystical advice  "
Option 4 - do whatever your horoscope suggests. What could possibly go wrong? |
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"
Side note, I had a dream there was a spider the size of 2 dinner plates just walking up and down my stairs. I also had a minge so hairy it was like that advert
Karen, Karen, we have a non responsive cat here "
That reminds me....I need to start a lawsuit against them.....as they clearly stole that character reference off my mother.....   |
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Dear Aunty P
I hope that you can provide some sound advice.
I really like one of the women at work but, being a bit shy, I don't know how the best way to approach her and tell her about my feelings.
She's really easy to get on with but I've heard, from co-workers, that she has a boyfriend. Should I send her a photograph of my penis?
Alex
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"Fear Aunty P,
I have a massive dilemma what should I do...
Option 1, 2 or 3?
Awaiting your mystical advice
Option 4 - do whatever your horoscope suggests. What could possibly go wrong?"
my horoscope says I may kill somebody today! Oh well at least I'll get sex in jail....it may not be wanted though....but I'll be getting some |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Side note, I had a dream there was a spider the size of 2 dinner plates just walking up and down my stairs. I also had a minge so hairy it was like that advert
Karen, Karen, we have a non responsive cat here
That reminds me....I need to start a lawsuit against them.....as they clearly stole that character reference off my mother..... "
No win you're fucked |
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By *adyHWoman
over a year ago
South Glos |
"Dear Auntie P,
I have developed a curious sexual proclivity for inserting the electrical plug from my TV into my bum hole.
My question is: Will this affect my License Fee charge?"
This made me laugh so much! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P
I hope that you can provide some sound advice.
I really like one of the women at work but, being a bit shy, I don't know how the best way to approach her and tell her about my feelings.
She's really easy to get on with but I've heard, from co-workers, that she has a boyfriend. Should I send her a photograph of my penis?
Alex
"
You send her a photo of her boyfriends penis and tell her he's a creepy flasher.
She will come to you for a penis to cry on |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Fear Aunty P,
I have a massive dilemma what should I do...
Option 1, 2 or 3?
Awaiting your mystical advice
Option 4 - do whatever your horoscope suggests. What could possibly go wrong? my horoscope says I may kill somebody today! Oh well at least I'll get sex in jail....it may not be wanted though....but I'll be getting some "
Winner winner pork sword dinner |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Aunty P,
Horrible period and PMS. Is fire the answer? "
Normally fire is the answer, however given the recent planetary troubles with fucknuggets clearing oxygen producing big trees we shall refrain this week.
I also have womb doom, backache and tits that feel as though they've been filled with ouchie beach pebbles.
Stroke a street cat, pretty one not a mangey one. Just gave me inner peace for a whole minute.
Failing that, fling a period poo through the letter boxes of those you want to burn
#notthefirestarter |
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Dear Aunty P,
Surely if the early bird catches the worm....the morale of the story is that fastidious worm gets the shitty end of the stick by being eaten...does this mean I should become a lazy hobo and stop getting out of bed for work??? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Surely if the early bird catches the worm....the morale of the story is that fastidious worm gets the shitty end of the stick by being eaten...does this mean I should become a lazy hobo and stop getting out of bed for work??? "
It means the worm should have moved a bit quicker.
*gets back under duvet* |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Horrible period and PMS. Is fire the answer?
Normally fire is the answer, however given the recent planetary troubles with fucknuggets clearing oxygen producing big trees we shall refrain this week.
I also have womb doom, backache and tits that feel as though they've been filled with ouchie beach pebbles.
Stroke a street cat, pretty one not a mangey one. Just gave me inner peace for a whole minute.
Failing that, fling a period poo through the letter boxes of those you want to burn
#notthefirestarter "
Uncle B here, adding my tuppenceworth!
Oh dear, the fact that your problem is a regular and normal one doesn't make it any less of a kick in the nuts (Yes, I can appreciate the impossible irony of that comparison)
However rest easy my troubled wench, for additional help is at hand. I feel compelled to let you know that the use if fire can actually be tickety boo in ceasing such a pickle, even in these times of climate upheaval, providing it's a small controlled blaze and the target is a valid one. You may well be tempted to attack the source of your troubles and set light to your axe wound itself in an effort to deal with the pesky spot of bother? Well, whilst the correct size my intuition tells me that the result may not be exactly what you are looking for.
Instead, choose carefully from a set of smaller irritants such as household bills or Boris Johnson's hair. Your cheeky little hole will take this on board as what could potentially happen to it if it persists with it's nonsense and should ease up with it's bothersome mischief!
In an aside, whilst my every single visit to P does not herald the arrival of her womb doom, it's a stone-cold guarantee that whenever those bastards with the red paint down below decide some overtime is needed, they will do so whilst I am present. Remember that thread a few days ago detailing shit superpowers? Well, it appears that fucker is mine, I am Menstrual Man, cower in my presence. 
Good thing that it doesn't deter myself and therefore Auntie P from attending to necessary evils now, isn't it? 
Uncle B |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yay! I wait all week for these should be a late night tv show! "
I wholeheartedly agree. You just earned yourself a curlywurly for your fine taste.
No topless trampoline weather dwarves, I'm so over that. |
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"Dear Aunty P,
Horrible period and PMS. Is fire the answer?
Normally fire is the answer, however given the recent planetary troubles with fucknuggets clearing oxygen producing big trees we shall refrain this week.
I also have womb doom, backache and tits that feel as though they've been filled with ouchie beach pebbles.
Stroke a street cat, pretty one not a mangey one. Just gave me inner peace for a whole minute.
Failing that, fling a period poo through the letter boxes of those you want to burn
#notthefirestarter
Uncle B here, adding my tuppenceworth!
Oh dear, the fact that your problem is a regular and normal one doesn't make it any less of a kick in the nuts (Yes, I can appreciate the impossible irony of that comparison)
However rest easy my troubled wench, for additional help is at hand. I feel compelled to let you know that the use if fire can actually be tickety boo in ceasing such a pickle, even in these times of climate upheaval, providing it's a small controlled blaze and the target is a valid one. You may well be tempted to attack the source of your troubles and set light to your axe wound itself in an effort to deal with the pesky spot of bother? Well, whilst the correct size my intuition tells me that the result may not be exactly what you are looking for.
Instead, choose carefully from a set of smaller irritants such as household bills or Boris Johnson's hair. Your cheeky little hole will take this on board as what could potentially happen to it if it persists with it's nonsense and should ease up with it's bothersome mischief!
In an aside, whilst my every single visit to P does not herald the arrival of her womb doom, it's a stone-cold guarantee that whenever those bastards with the red paint down below decide some overtime is needed, they will do so whilst I am present. Remember that thread a few days ago detailing shit superpowers? Well, it appears that fucker is mine, I am Menstrual Man, cower in my presence.
Good thing that it doesn't deter myself and therefore Auntie P from attending to necessary evils now, isn't it?
Uncle B"
Ooooooooooooh I didn’t know Autie P’s stud muffin of a man gives advice too!??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Horrible period and PMS. Is fire the answer?
Normally fire is the answer, however given the recent planetary troubles with fucknuggets clearing oxygen producing big trees we shall refrain this week.
I also have womb doom, backache and tits that feel as though they've been filled with ouchie beach pebbles.
Stroke a street cat, pretty one not a mangey one. Just gave me inner peace for a whole minute.
Failing that, fling a period poo through the letter boxes of those you want to burn
#notthefirestarter
Uncle B here, adding my tuppenceworth!
Oh dear, the fact that your problem is a regular and normal one doesn't make it any less of a kick in the nuts (Yes, I can appreciate the impossible irony of that comparison)
However rest easy my troubled wench, for additional help is at hand. I feel compelled to let you know that the use if fire can actually be tickety boo in ceasing such a pickle, even in these times of climate upheaval, providing it's a small controlled blaze and the target is a valid one. You may well be tempted to attack the source of your troubles and set light to your axe wound itself in an effort to deal with the pesky spot of bother? Well, whilst the correct size my intuition tells me that the result may not be exactly what you are looking for.
Instead, choose carefully from a set of smaller irritants such as household bills or Boris Johnson's hair. Your cheeky little hole will take this on board as what could potentially happen to it if it persists with it's nonsense and should ease up with it's bothersome mischief!
In an aside, whilst my every single visit to P does not herald the arrival of her womb doom, it's a stone-cold guarantee that whenever those bastards with the red paint down below decide some overtime is needed, they will do so whilst I am present. Remember that thread a few days ago detailing shit superpowers? Well, it appears that fucker is mine, I am Menstrual Man, cower in my presence.
Good thing that it doesn't deter myself and therefore Auntie P from attending to necessary evils now, isn't it?
Uncle B
Ooooooooooooh I didn’t know Autie P’s stud muffin of a man gives advice too!??? "
Ask him a question then x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
Horrible period and PMS. Is fire the answer?
Normally fire is the answer, however given the recent planetary troubles with fucknuggets clearing oxygen producing big trees we shall refrain this week.
I also have womb doom, backache and tits that feel as though they've been filled with ouchie beach pebbles.
Stroke a street cat, pretty one not a mangey one. Just gave me inner peace for a whole minute.
Failing that, fling a period poo through the letter boxes of those you want to burn
#notthefirestarter
Uncle B here, adding my tuppenceworth!
Oh dear, the fact that your problem is a regular and normal one doesn't make it any less of a kick in the nuts (Yes, I can appreciate the impossible irony of that comparison)
However rest easy my troubled wench, for additional help is at hand. I feel compelled to let you know that the use if fire can actually be tickety boo in ceasing such a pickle, even in these times of climate upheaval, providing it's a small controlled blaze and the target is a valid one. You may well be tempted to attack the source of your troubles and set light to your axe wound itself in an effort to deal with the pesky spot of bother? Well, whilst the correct size my intuition tells me that the result may not be exactly what you are looking for.
Instead, choose carefully from a set of smaller irritants such as household bills or Boris Johnson's hair. Your cheeky little hole will take this on board as what could potentially happen to it if it persists with it's nonsense and should ease up with it's bothersome mischief!
In an aside, whilst my every single visit to P does not herald the arrival of her womb doom, it's a stone-cold guarantee that whenever those bastards with the red paint down below decide some overtime is needed, they will do so whilst I am present. Remember that thread a few days ago detailing shit superpowers? Well, it appears that fucker is mine, I am Menstrual Man, cower in my presence.
Good thing that it doesn't deter myself and therefore Auntie P from attending to necessary evils now, isn't it?
Uncle B
Ooooooooooooh I didn’t know Autie P’s stud muffin of a man gives advice too!??? "
He does on occasion when he had the time (normally on the plopper)
I think he just comes on the thread to check my spelling and make sure I'm using proper English innit bruv |
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Aunty P or Uncle B,
I'm currently sat at my slavery desk....and on the radio comes Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way....
....I'm singing every word without being able to stop....and I know every word....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!! |
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By *uciyassMan
over a year ago
sheffield |
Dear Auntie P
I got caught again borrowing my neighbours undies off her washing line. I tried to explain to her that it was about to rain and that I was going to put them in the tumble dryer but she was having none of it and insisted I take them off immediately. What should I do |
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"[Removed by poster at 12/09/19 11:18:57]
Fat cunting thumb.
Dick.
Listen to this
https://youtu.be/OuefKsXb2UU"
God Damn it....now I'm singing Weird Al Yankovic's back catalogue of songs.....Bin' Spendin' Most My Life Livin' In an Amish Paradise..... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
I got caught again borrowing my neighbours undies off her washing line. I tried to explain to her that it was about to rain and that I was going to put them in the tumble dryer but she was having none of it and insisted I take them off immediately. What should I do "
Secretly install a sprinkler system inside her home then set the fucker off whilst yelling "fear not Valerie Putin, you reverse fun pump" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
My get up and go has got up and gone, and I can't be arsed chasing it. Please advise. "
Then have a duvet day and fuck the world with a marrow |
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Dear Aunty P,
I'm running out of patience with the fucknuts at work and their retarded stupid questions that are always the same no matter how many times I give them the answer or show them how to do something....how can I deal with them in the best non HR issue way....I'm really struggling in this one.... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
I'm running out of patience with the fucknuts at work and their retarded stupid questions that are always the same no matter how many times I give them the answer or show them how to do something....how can I deal with them in the best non HR issue way....I'm really struggling in this one.... "
They've been invited to a team bonding evening with free bar. The event is to be held in a marquee in the woods on the edge of a beautiful lake
Invite Jason Vorhees too |
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"Dear Aunty P,
I'm running out of patience with the fucknuts at work and their retarded stupid questions that are always the same no matter how many times I give them the answer or show them how to do something....how can I deal with them in the best non HR issue way....I'm really struggling in this one....
They've been invited to a team bonding evening with free bar. The event is to be held in a marquee in the woods on the edge of a beautiful lake
Invite Jason Vorhees too"
Jase has accepted.....he's bringing his friends Freddy & Michael apparently.... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P,
I'm running out of patience with the fucknuts at work and their retarded stupid questions that are always the same no matter how many times I give them the answer or show them how to do something....how can I deal with them in the best non HR issue way....I'm really struggling in this one....
They've been invited to a team bonding evening with free bar. The event is to be held in a marquee in the woods on the edge of a beautiful lake
Invite Jason Vorhees too
Jase has accepted.....he's bringing his friends Freddy & Michael apparently.... "
Do it tomorrow, it's friday the 13th |
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"Dear Aunty P,
I'm running out of patience with the fucknuts at work and their retarded stupid questions that are always the same no matter how many times I give them the answer or show them how to do something....how can I deal with them in the best non HR issue way....I'm really struggling in this one....
They've been invited to a team bonding evening with free bar. The event is to be held in a marquee in the woods on the edge of a beautiful lake
Invite Jason Vorhees too
Jase has accepted.....he's bringing his friends Freddy & Michael apparently....
Do it tomorrow, it's friday the 13th"
ooooohhhhh the date is in Aunty P..... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hi everyone.
Just to give you the heads up, I'll be manning the advice line from about 620pm this evening for a few hours, owing to Auntie P running around like a buzzy with blue buttocks whilst I sit on my own flesh coloured ones on trains, twiddling my thumbs.
If your problem is the kind only answerable by Auntie P herself then you'd best get a wriggle on and get it posted then hadn't you? Otherwise I'm afraid you've only got my sphere of knowledge and as my Mum (who would technically be by default your Great Aunt M now I come to think about it) always says "Them that misses the plane holidays in Bognor."
Actually no, she didn't say that.
Uncle B |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This reminds me of the overnight shift at about half four in the morning when I worked in Maccy D's drive-thru as a teenager?
Think I may do what I did then on the odd occasion I could get away with it; curl up in the stock room and get some kip.
Uncle B |
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Dear Uncle B,
I have just got home....what a horrible journey, I am suffering from some serious road rage because of multiple cock nuggets....I don't know what to do to calm down....I dare not enter the kitchen to cook as with all the sharp objects who knows what will happen....any sound ways to bring back my Chi??? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Uncle B,
I have just got home....what a horrible journey, I am suffering from some serious road rage because of multiple cock nuggets....I don't know what to do to calm down....I dare not enter the kitchen to cook as with all the sharp objects who knows what will happen....any sound ways to bring back my Chi??? "
Oh dear my Simian friend, this one appears to have really baked your noodle and having been in your shoes on many an occasion I can completely sympathise. 
It also won't have helped your cause that the train I'm on decided to crawl through rural Derbyshire (an area with roughly the same signal strength as the Sea of Tranquility) for the last half hour or more...
But remove that noose from the beam in your loft and the hose from your exhaust pipe for all is not lost! Far from it, pull up a pew and listen to your Uncle B soothingly suggest how to flip this crisis on it's head...
Next time you journey home, you need to prepare beforehand. Visit your local pool hall and remove every single last ball from every table in there. If they stop you, just tell them you're taking them to be cleaned? Wear overalls as it worked a dream on Phoenix Nights.
Now for the journey itself. When you get to an area of the public highway that seems to be particularly infested by a strong strain of Cock Nuggets upend the bin liner containing your pool balls out of your drivers' window.
Now watch as the Nuggets change from a hindrance to a help; rather than being there to piss you off they will instead turn entertainers, brightening up your journey no end with their frantically steering this way and that to avoid the balls, or taking drastic unplanned turns due to said balls becoming lodged under their wheels. The road will very quickly resemble the dodgem rink at your local fairground with Cockwombles galore bearing the brunt of it, and all for your amusement!
And to put the icing truly on the cake, put this on through your car stereo to soundtrack the entire showcase of good clean fun!
https://youtu.be/zjedLeVGcfE
Shit journey be gone!
Uncle B |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P/Uncle B,
My feet hurt from wearing ridiculous heels all day (okay, not ridiculous but beautiful). I fear I have to do the same tomorrow but with even more walking. How do I survive?
Yours sincerely
An Elephant On a Pair of Very Nice
Stilts.
|
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"
Oh dear my Simian friend, this one appears to have really baked your noodle and having been in your shoes on many an occasion I can completely sympathise.
It also won't have helped your cause that the train I'm on decided to crawl through rural Derbyshire (an area with roughly the same signal strength as the Sea of Tranquility) for the last half hour or more...
But remove that noose from the beam in your loft and the hose from your exhaust pipe for all is not lost! Far from it, pull up a pew and listen to your Uncle B soothingly suggest how to flip this crisis on it's head...
Next time you journey home, you need to prepare beforehand. Visit your local pool hall and remove every single last ball from every table in there. If they stop you, just tell them you're taking them to be cleaned? Wear overalls as it worked a dream on Phoenix Nights.
Now for the journey itself. When you get to an area of the public highway that seems to be particularly infested by a strong strain of Cock Nuggets upend the bin liner containing your pool balls out of your drivers' window.
Now watch as the Nuggets change from a hindrance to a help; rather than being there to piss you off they will instead turn entertainers, brightening up your journey no end with their frantically steering this way and that to avoid the balls, or taking drastic unplanned turns due to said balls becoming lodged under their wheels. The road will very quickly resemble the dodgem rink at your local fairground with Cockwombles galore bearing the brunt of it, and all for your amusement!
And to put the icing truly on the cake, put this on through your car stereo to soundtrack the entire showcase of good clean fun!
https://youtu.be/zjedLeVGcfE
Shit journey be gone!
Uncle B"
your advice is invaluable....onto Amazon I log to buy work overalls and soon to visit the local pool/snooker hall!!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Uncle B,
The discussion of cake is reaching fever pitch around here, and I can't have any. This makes me sad. Please advise. "
Yes, it's a well known fact and indeed every schoolboy in a Home Economics class worth his salt knows that cake discussion when depicted as a graph follows a typical sine-wave pattern? (Apart from Angel food cake, which is shit) And at this time in the evening, it is on that steep slopey up bit of the graph, the discussion reaches fever pitch, excited flashes of cake related inspiration passed hither-thither hundredfold and spreading like wildfire! And I do unfortunately have some unwelcome news for you my Swingy Sister; it will get worse before it gets better; Eminent Mathematicians are generally agreed that Cake Discussion invariably peaks between the hours of 10 and 11pm. Oh Saints Preserve us!
But remove that loaded Desert Eagle from your cranium right now my cherub, for salvation has not deserted you completely in your hour of need and neither for that matter has your over-reliance Uncle B, no Sir!
What you need to do is to make friends with a group of the most Tree-Huggy folk you can find. A Dido gig is a pretty fertile area to discover such gems. Failing that an IKEA shop isn't too bad a bet either, look in the Hemp section.
What you need to do next is work your sexy charms upon them. Seduce them. Use your dark magic and feminine wiles to convince them that they are missing something in their erotic lives...lure them into the comforting clutches of Fab....
Wiggling your arse a bit might box that off.
Once they are onboard...Start a thread on the Forums entitled "Ooh, I could murder a Mung Bean Stew right now" and watch your fledgling army pounce on it by the pantload, eager to offer tuppenceworth a plenty to a man and drowning out the sea of sirens pimping out cake to the max under a colossal tidal wave of Mung Bean proclaiming fervour...
Job done! Who cares that it actually tastes complete and utter wank?
Uncle B |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie P/Uncle B,
My feet hurt from wearing ridiculous heels all day (okay, not ridiculous but beautiful). I fear I have to do the same tomorrow but with even more walking. How do I survive?
Yours sincerely
An Elephant On a Pair of Very Nice
Stilts.
"
Oh fudge! It appears that my normally Merry Melificent friend has had a very severe change in mood and is now wedged deep in the doldrums, lost in a quicksand of agonising footsie torment...But wait! Is that the Bastion of Hope that is your Uncle B galloping over the horizon upon his noble steed, readying his rope of sage advice even as we speak, to drag you clear of that enveloping nastiness until those poor aching feet of yours are on Terra Firma once more?
Well spank my ass and call me Ralph, this indeed appears to be the case!
Firstly; those heels are not entirely nice. They bewitched you into wearing them and now they bewitch all who view you wearing them, convincing them in a heartbeat that it is the Goddess ISIS herself blessing them with her presence...So ok, they have their uses.
But pick and choose your moments to wear them. Putting my sensible hat on for one moment (and yes, I do have one though it rarely makes itself known) stick an exceedingly comfy (yet small) pair of flip flops into the bag that you invariably carry to complement such a breathtaking creation of footwear?
I'd then divide the members of the public that you pass into two clear groups; those you wish to impress and have fall at your elegantly clad peds with the sole goal to worship...and those who you couldn't give a monkeys about doing so. For example do you REALLY need to make so enthralled the bloke with a recycled roll-up in one yellow stained hand and a bottle that could be dregs of Eridge Vale Cider or equally could be piss clutched in his other? No Madam, you do not. Your Boss' Boss' Boss on the other hand? Get those heels on, make that twat bow down and prepare for your salary to quadruple, of course!
Lastly my poor troubled child, you in no way resemble an elephant. Aside of course for it's memory, for once you have indulged in the above advice you shall never ever forget the salient counsel imparted in you by your ever helpful Uncle B... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Right, Uncle B has just this instant been happily reunited with his fair Auntie P! And as such the brimful intray of correspondance, the 3 hotlines and the framed mantra of "Others before Oneself" have been knocked without a moment's thought onto the floor so I can roger her sweetly and thoroughly upon the Adviceline desk.
And this may take a while...
So if you can all try not to kill yourselves in various ways as a symptom of your utter despair for a bit, whilst I tend to the latest dire need presented to me it would be much appreciated.
Yours affectionately,
Uncle B AND Auntie P. |
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