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Auntie Ps advice line
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"Dear Aunty P, I am currently sat on the throne thinking of what to have for my tea....is this normal, to be thinking of food when getTing rid of old food??? "Have some fucking patience, I've just tried to stand and have pins and needles from hell in my left leg from my fanny flap to my pinkie toe. WOMAN DOWN, WOMAN DOWN | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I am currently sat on the throne thinking of what to have for my tea....is this normal, to be thinking of food when getTing rid of old food???
Have some fucking patience, I've just tried to stand and have pins and needles from hell in my left leg from my fanny flap to my pinkie toe.
WOMAN DOWN, WOMAN DOWN "....refer you to the above Aunty P..... Small print:ANY ACCIDENTS ARE NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF AUNTIE P. KEEP YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES.     | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I am currently sat on the throne thinking of what to have for my tea....is this normal, to be thinking of food when getTing rid of old food???
Have some fucking patience, I've just tried to stand and have pins and needles from hell in my left leg from my fanny flap to my pinkie toe.
WOMAN DOWN, WOMAN DOWN
....refer you to the above Aunty P.....
Small print:ANY ACCIDENTS ARE NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF AUNTIE P. KEEP YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES.
"Kept my leg too far in didn't I. Under ones body for a good few hours. Silly Auntie P | |||
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"[Removed by poster at 03/09/19 11:44:52]" Bollocks
Was wiping a water droplet off my phone screen and caught delete text.
Well ya snooze ya lose, that was good advice right there | |||
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"I was bored , not any more !! "Huzzah! I heard it | |||
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"Dear Auntie P... Is it illegal to launch a tin of open Pilchards at my bosses noggin?? " I would refrain from right between the eyes if he's looking right at ya, but when he's distracted? Fair Fucking Game | |||
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"Dear Auntie P... Is it illegal to launch a tin of open Pilchards at my bosses noggin?? I would refrain from right between the eyes if he's looking right at ya, but when he's distracted? Fair Fucking Game " Ah ha I see , thankyou for reminding me of that little known bye law  | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it wrong to swear profusely in front of 2 teens whilst driving, at the fucknuggets with no idea of spacial awareness on the motorway? " Turn it into a game, you must start with a swear beginning with A, then continue on through the alphabet as a trio. Gets them engaging their brains and doing wordy thinking | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it wrong to swear profusely in front of 2 teens whilst driving, at the fucknuggets with no idea of spacial awareness on the motorway? Turn it into a game, you must start with a swear beginning with A, then continue on through the alphabet as a trio. Gets them engaging their brains and doing wordy thinking " Fuckin Wow !! Awesome game , A-Z of swear words . I feel a new thread coming on . You haven't copywrited that idea I hope | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it wrong to swear profusely in front of 2 teens whilst driving, at the fucknuggets with no idea of spacial awareness on the motorway? Turn it into a game, you must start with a swear beginning with A, then continue on through the alphabet as a trio. Gets them engaging their brains and doing wordy thinking Fuckin Wow !! Awesome game , A-Z of swear words . I feel a new thread coming on . You haven't copywrited that idea I hope "Roll with it,we can not only expand our English language knowledge but learn some others too | |||
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"Dear Auntie P How do I stop thinking about my quim being filled with a strap on wielded by an utter beaut? It's taking up too much of my head space." Is this a problem? | |||
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"Dear Auntie P How do I stop thinking about my quim being filled with a strap on wielded by an utter beaut? It's taking up too much of my head space." Picture the strap on from the film 7even. Made to make your eyes water | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it wrong to swear profusely in front of 2 teens whilst driving, at the fucknuggets with no idea of spacial awareness on the motorway? Turn it into a game, you must start with a swear beginning with A, then continue on through the alphabet as a trio. Gets them engaging their brains and doing wordy thinking Fuckin Wow !! Awesome game , A-Z of swear words . I feel a new thread coming on . You haven't copywrited that idea I hope
Roll with it,we can not only expand our English language knowledge but learn some others too"Oh Auntie P You are the tops Brilliant idea I'll start with ArseMunchingFuckwit | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, When my dog humps my leg....does this class as r4pe/non consensual sex??? Will he get in trouble with the law?? "Sexual assault. No penetration. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P. New photo ideas please? " Yaaaay, Captain Jack Sparrow whilst holding a dildo instead of a sword | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, When my dog humps my leg....does this class as r4pe/non consensual sex??? Will he get in trouble with the law?? "That all depends on the breed, if he's a Newfoundland you'll be sound providing only a handful of people know. With him being a Big Black Canine I'm sure it could easily get brushed under the carpet and the news won't out until he's deader than a dead thing | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, how do I get away with doing as little work as possible without pissing off my managers?" Keep asking them for the next job. They'll think you're smashing through them. You simply pass the jobs onto some other cunt without them knowing | |||
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"Dear Aunty P How do I feel less guilty for eating like a pig?!? "I'll tell you when I have the answer. Signed *I've just had leftover curry for breakfast and am sporting a bloat. Or, use a plate not a trough | |||
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"Dear Auntie P How do I stop thinking about my quim being filled with a strap on wielded by an utter beaut? It's taking up too much of my head space. Picture the strap on from the film 7even. Made to make your eyes water" Well that worked bloody quickly and effectively. Thanks you legend. 
Actually no. She's too cute for that. See my sensible and practical side can't dampen my ardour. Damn it. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P How do I feel less guilty for eating like a pig?!? "Pigs are noble creatures! | |||
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"Dear Auntie P How do I stop thinking about my quim being filled with a strap on wielded by an utter beaut? It's taking up too much of my head space. Picture the strap on from the film 7even. Made to make your eyes water Well that worked bloody quickly and effectively. Thanks you legend.
Actually no. She's too cute for that. See my sensible and practical side can't dampen my ardour. Damn it."If you find out she watches "forged in fire" she's honing the skills to make such a weapon and you're being bewitched by cutesy. Super glue your flaps? | |||
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"Hey Aunty P ..I'm hanging at work (not literally lol) could do with your motivational speak. My hands are firmly inside the rail..hit me up "You recreate Bs dancing energy and gusto. Not the dancing mind, just the energy
Grab yourself a share bag of maltesers at the next opportunity but don't share.
You fucking rebel | |||
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"Hey Aunty P ..I'm hanging at work (not literally lol) could do with your motivational speak. My hands are firmly inside the rail..hit me up
You recreate Bs dancing energy and gusto. Not the dancing mind, just the energy
Grab yourself a share bag of maltesers at the next opportunity but don't share.
You fucking rebel "Smiling here as always at your wisdom...love it. B does have energy galore...I could do with some of that..nice one | |||
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"Auntie P.. I've just had a big stretch and now my foot has cramped and my leg wont stop shaking.. is this how it ends for me?" I've learned a lot about cramp over this last year. Ends? Hell no, this is just the start of a life of agonising bouts of "kill me now" and "just amputate goddam it" The leg shake.... become an Elvis tribute act, you're naturally half way there | |||
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"Auntie P. While my leg is still shaking, I have just realised that, in every house there is always that 1 teaspoon that you have an aversion to. Why is this?" Coz someone you don't like licked it once, or you used it for cat food and it got washed and put back in the drawer. | |||
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"Auntie P Do Gorgons have mini snakes for pubes?" Bum worms that work round the front. Like a worm nappy | |||
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"What's the best way to go about getting everyone on the site to block me?" Impossible task. Get yourself of the krypton factor instead | |||
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"Auntie P. Its seems my nice guy charms, eloquence and wit isn't cutting the mustard with the ladies of fab. What approach should I use to be once again wading knee deep through seas of fit clunge? (Asking for a "friend".. obvs)" Wait for an influx of new ladies. Fresh meat alert. Start a recruitment drive | |||
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"Auntie P. When are people going to stop calling me a girl? I'm thirty fucking three. " Girl, don't let it get you down. You're too pretty for that. Smile. | |||
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"Auntie P. When are people going to stop calling me a girl? I'm thirty fucking three. Girl, don't let it get you down. You're too pretty for that. Smile. " Bugger off  | |||
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 I can only get it sated in a couple of weeks How will I survive?!  | |||
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"Hey Aunty P ..I'm hanging at work (not literally lol) could do with your motivational speak. My hands are firmly inside the rail..hit me up
You recreate Bs dancing energy and gusto. Not the dancing mind, just the energy
Grab yourself a share bag of maltesers at the next opportunity but don't share.
You fucking rebel
Smiling here as always at your wisdom...love it.
B does have energy galore...I could do with some of that..nice one"I need that energy tbf, I'd be knackered at work without it! When I have a day off it has to go somewhere...
In my honest opinion my dancing isn't too shabby (while no John Travolta, I managed to not get fired when I did it for a job at least) though I do appreciate that not every job approves of this...
Uncle B | |||
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"Auntie P. I have been turned down by the lady doing her infamous van tour. Should I just end it now?" Sooty and Sweep are very protective of Sue these days. Most of it's bollocks anyway. Men getting blocked by mountains of people for sending veris in exchange for the location. The location doesn't even get sent. | |||
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"Auntie P. I was trying to spice up sex with a partner as things were going stale. I suggested maybe a 3sum.. She suggested using dead gerbils.. Help!" Report to the RSPCA, dead gerbils are for snakes not sexi times. Then move house .... quickly | |||
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"Auntie P. When are people going to stop calling me a girl? I'm thirty fucking three. " One of the mysteries that belongs to life. I reckon at your funeral. People are thick | |||
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"Dear auntie P This summer horn is doing my head in! I can only get it sated in a couple of weeks How will I survive?! "Auntie S suggests wanking. (wait. Not Auntie. Yuck) | |||
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"Auntie P. I invented a great life hack by routing my headphone lead through my nipple ring. However it has now chafed but I am not sure if the buzzing interference in the headphones is worth losing the rather enjoyable sensation in my left nipple during workouts.. Any advice?" Olive Oil as lube and when you get big guns you call yourself Popeye | |||
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"Dear auntie P This summer horn is doing my head in! I can only get it sated in a couple of weeks How will I survive?!
Auntie S suggests wanking.
(wait. Not Auntie. Yuck) "Auntie M suggests reading some of your erotica. That'll sort you out in a jiffy. | |||
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"Dear auntie P This summer horn is doing my head in! I can only get it sated in a couple of weeks How will I survive?! "Hibernation or castration. They're the ONLY 2 options. *passes the Stanley blade | |||
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"Auntie P. When are people going to stop calling me a girl? I'm thirty fucking three. One of the mysteries that belongs to life. I reckon at your funeral. People are thick " I'd start calling men boys but that has a racist overtone  | |||
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"Dear auntie P This summer horn is doing my head in! I can only get it sated in a couple of weeks How will I survive?!
Hibernation or castration. They're the ONLY 2 options.
*passes the Stanley blade "Runs for the hills | |||
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"Hey Aunty P ..I'm hanging at work (not literally lol) could do with your motivational speak. My hands are firmly inside the rail..hit me up
You recreate Bs dancing energy and gusto. Not the dancing mind, just the energy
Grab yourself a share bag of maltesers at the next opportunity but don't share.
You fucking rebel
Smiling here as always at your wisdom...love it.
B does have energy galore...I could do with some of that..nice one
I need that energy tbf, I'd be knackered at work without it! When I have a day off it has to go somewhere...
In my honest opinion my dancing isn't too shabby (while no John Travolta, I managed to not get fired when I did it for a job at least) though I do appreciate that not every job approves of this...
Uncle B"I like your energy, I like your energy very much indeed
It would be wasted energy if Anabelle danced her way through work, we're trying to get her to the end of the day, not just to the end of lunch
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"Auntie P. In the late 90s I was all for Britney in the Britney/Christina debate. Now Britney is certified turbo mental can I switch sides without losing face or copious amounts of guilt and betrayal?" Fuck yeah, unless you signed a contract. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst out walking my trusty mutt last night I became aware of weird lights in the sky and a curious humming noise. I next remember waking up somewhat disorientated and upon looking at my watch, found to my surprise that I had been ‘asleep’ for over two hours. More disquieting however, I also noticed that my anus is somewhat sore and has alarmingly increased in diameter by approximately two inches! My question is: Did I manage (whilst asleep) to walk to Hampstead Heath? " Worse.... Wimbledon Common. Give me back my wombles, they don't like it up yer bum | |||
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"Auntie P. When are people going to stop calling me a girl? I'm thirty fucking three. One of the mysteries that belongs to life. I reckon at your funeral. People are thick I'd start calling men boys but that has a racist overtone "Spelled c u n t that works | |||
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"Yay!!! My day has now brightened up mrs LEGEND has arrived "Light that bonfire and dance with me like the fireys from Labyrinth | |||
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"Auntie P. Why is my car telling me I need to put air in my tyres, but giving me readings in Kilopascals but all gauges use psi or bar as units of pressure? "Speak english fucknuts | |||
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"Yay!!! My day has now brightened up mrs LEGEND has arrived
Light that bonfire and dance with me like the fireys from Labyrinth "OMG I LOVE THAT FILM! although they used to scare the crap outa me | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst out walking my trusty mutt last night I became aware of weird lights in the sky and a curious humming noise. I next remember waking up somewhat disorientated and upon looking at my watch, found to my surprise that I had been ‘asleep’ for over two hours. More disquieting however, I also noticed that my anus is somewhat sore and has alarmingly increased in diameter by approximately two inches! My question is: Did I manage (whilst asleep) to walk to Hampstead Heath? Worse.... Wimbledon Common. Give me back my wombles, they don't like it up yer bum " Thanks Auntie P
I’ve had a dig around up there and managed to retrieve Great Uncle Bulgaria.
He explained to me that he innocently took a wrong turn and mistakingly thought that he’d discovered a new subterranean London tube system.
We both laughed as after all, it’s an all too common mistake that we all make from time to time....ahem...
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"Dear Auntie P, Is it wrong to expose yourself to a blind person? (Mopery)." Yes, very wrong flashy mcflasherpants Face the wall for the rest of the day | |||
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"Am a submissive and in the last few weeks am meeting with a Mistress. And her rule no playing with my cock onless told. Problem A couple has asked me to clean. I think it's the male half. And he wants his cock sucked. So I said I can dress clean and wank suck. But I can't play with my cock. But he not mail anymore" He femail now? | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst out walking my trusty mutt last night I became aware of weird lights in the sky and a curious humming noise. I next remember waking up somewhat disorientated and upon looking at my watch, found to my surprise that I had been ‘asleep’ for over two hours. More disquieting however, I also noticed that my anus is somewhat sore and has alarmingly increased in diameter by approximately two inches! My question is: Did I manage (whilst asleep) to walk to Hampstead Heath? Worse.... Wimbledon Common. Give me back my wombles, they don't like it up yer bum Thanks Auntie P
I’ve had a dig around up there and managed to retrieve Great Uncle Bulgaria.
He explained to me that he innocently took a wrong turn and mistakingly thought that he’d discovered a new subterranean London tube system.
We both laughed as after all, it’s an all too common mistake that we all make from time to time....ahem...
"Phew! All's well that ends well! Ease up on the sambucca next time eh | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, If a man takes a pregnancy test and it comes back positive....what exactly does that mean?? .....just asking for a none FAB friend.... "It means he should go see his doctor as it can indicate issues that aren't yet discovered. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, If a man takes a pregnancy test and it comes back positive....what exactly does that mean?? .....just asking for a none FAB friend....
It means he should go see his doctor as it can indicate issues that aren't yet discovered."I'm on it.....I mean I'll tell them your sage advice... | |||
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"Auntie P. It's that time of year at work when I have to write annual appraisals for my staff. I want to write retarded cockwomble but they might take offence. Any suggestions on suitable alternatives?" Eeewwwwww. Let them do the work. Self appraisal. Each time they're off the mark let off an air horn until they finally start admitting they'd be better off being replaced by octupiii | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I told my boss to shove her job last week and now I have to decorate the house in my "free time" Should I ask for my job back or get the brushes out? " You get the brushes out and paint cunt on the side of her car | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I told my boss to shove her job last week and now I have to decorate the house in my "free time" Should I ask for my job back or get the brushes out? You get the brushes out and paint cunt on the side of her car " Lol, the two birds ,one stone solution | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, Why is my penis such a dick??? "In the genes | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I told my boss to shove her job last week and now I have to decorate the house in my "free time" Should I ask for my job back or get the brushes out? You get the brushes out and paint cunt on the side of her car Lol, the two birds ,one stone solution " Or you could steal her identity- you don't just get your job back, you take hers! | |||
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"Auntie P. My gf and I are looking at getting a dog.. however she told me she is allergic to them and needs antihistamines to stop her breaking out in hives. Should we not get a dog, or should I just get a better gf who isn't allergic to them?" Bichon frisè or poodle if you want the best of both, other than that... new gf. No brainer You're welcome. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I told my boss to shove her job last week and now I have to decorate the house in my "free time" Should I ask for my job back or get the brushes out? You get the brushes out and paint cunt on the side of her car Lol, the two birds ,one stone solution Or you could steal her identity- you don't just get your job back, you take hers! " It's a thought but everyone would question how she suddenly became more ladylike | |||
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"Aunty P, A friend was talking me the other day that they thought Justin Bieber was a modern day Michael Jackson.....does this mean he will slowly transform into an old black woman before he dies from an overdose?? "I think your friend had ingested something that didn't agree with them. Isn't it obvious Bieber and Miley Cyrus are the same person? | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Good news; I’ve just got a date with the new Dr Who but am a little worried in that someone told me that female Timelords have two vaginas as well as two hearts(!) If this indeed be the case, I’ve only got one nob so would it be acceptable sexual etiquette to slip one of my balls into her other vag gee gee at the same time? (my hands will be on both of her boobs obviously) " Balls? Just use your foot | |||
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"Auntie P. Kardashian's. Why? Just why?" I've no idea. I also couldn't pick one from a police line up and I want to keep it that way. | |||
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"Auntie P. Where does your lap go when you stand up?" Don't matter, it comes back when you land and that's all that counts | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Kids go back to school tomorrow, fussy eldest one needs pack ups. What on earth shall I put in it for him?" Freak him the fuck out and put stationary in it. Chuck a chicken and bacon wrap in his pencil case. That'll keep him on his toes | |||
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"Auntie P. Where does your lap go when you stand up?" I heard they go to the fabled, Lapland. See what I did there? ....Ok....I’m leaving now  | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Good news; I’ve just got a date with the new Dr Who but am a little worried in that someone told me that female Timelords have two vaginas as well as two hearts(!) If this indeed be the case, I’ve only got one nob so would it be acceptable sexual etiquette to slip one of my balls into her other vag gee gee at the same time? (my hands will be on both of her boobs obviously) Balls? Just use your foot " Thanks again Auntie P
Update: The resulting orgasm I gave her following your sagacious advice was so powerful that she has spontaneously regenerated(!!!)
......into a man.......in who’s arsehole my foot is now deeply imbedded....
On the bright side though, I can at least now be listed as the very first companion in the history of the show to be actually surgically conjoined with the eponymous Timelord so I’m really rather chuffed in fact | |||
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"Auntie P. Where does your lap go when you stand up? I heard they go to the fabled, Lapland. See what I did there? ....Ok....I’m leaving now "We had the same thinking process. You're a little spesh too | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I told my boss to shove her job last week and now I have to decorate the house in my "free time" Should I ask for my job back or get the brushes out? You get the brushes out and paint cunt on the side of her car Lol, the two birds ,one stone solution Or you could steal her identity- you don't just get your job back, you take hers! It's a thought but everyone would question how she suddenly became more ladylike "Mwahahahaha | |||
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"Aunty P, Please advise me just what a fox is?? Is it cat in a ginger dog outfit? Is a ginger dog that wants to species-gender into a cat, kind of half way through the change? Is it actually a robot cat that's been hacked to run on doggie 2.3 software??? I'm just so confused!!! "Take a breath and focus your attention on scented candles. I want you to sniff test, I want you to burn time test. Send me the good ones. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Good news; I’ve just got a date with the new Dr Who but am a little worried in that someone told me that female Timelords have two vaginas as well as two hearts(!) If this indeed be the case, I’ve only got one nob so would it be acceptable sexual etiquette to slip one of my balls into her other vag gee gee at the same time? (my hands will be on both of her boobs obviously) Balls? Just use your foot Thanks again Auntie P
Update: The resulting orgasm I gave her following your sagacious advice was so powerful that she has spontaneously regenerated(!!!)
......into a man.......in who’s arsehole my foot is now deeply imbedded....
On the bright side though, I can at least now be listed as the very first companion in the history of the show to be actually surgically conjoined with the eponymous Timelord so I’m really rather chuffed in fact "Huzzah and winning at life | |||
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"Ohhh new photo ideas would be great! I love suggestions! X" Sat on a rocking horse dressed as Woody | |||
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" Take a breath and focus your attention on scented candles. I want you to sniff test, I want you to burn time test. Send me the good ones." I've already done this Aunty P to calm my palpitations.... I recommend Home Bargains.... Pink Rhubarb & Pear = Amazing Vanilla Sugar Cookie = Fresh Sea Salt and Cotton = Homely | |||
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" Take a breath and focus your attention on scented candles. I want you to sniff test, I want you to burn time test. Send me the good ones. I've already done this Aunty P to calm my palpitations.... I recommend Home Bargains.... Pink Rhubarb & Pear = Amazing Vanilla Sugar Cookie = Fresh Sea Salt and Cotton = Homely "Ooooooo nice | |||
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" Take a breath and focus your attention on scented candles. I want you to sniff test, I want you to burn time test. Send me the good ones. I've already done this Aunty P to calm my palpitations.... I recommend Home Bargains.... Pink Rhubarb & Pear = Amazing Vanilla Sugar Cookie = Fresh Sea Salt and Cotton = Homely
Ooooooo nice "There is also a new yankee candle scent. Ron Jeremy's tache. | |||
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" Take a breath and focus your attention on scented candles. I want you to sniff test, I want you to burn time test. Send me the good ones. I've already done this Aunty P to calm my palpitations.... I recommend Home Bargains.... Pink Rhubarb & Pear = Amazing Vanilla Sugar Cookie = Fresh Sea Salt and Cotton = Homely
Ooooooo nice
There is also a new yankee candle scent.
Ron Jeremy's tache.
"Smells like sweat, sin and genital juice | |||
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" Take a breath and focus your attention on scented candles. I want you to sniff test, I want you to burn time test. Send me the good ones. I've already done this Aunty P to calm my palpitations.... I recommend Home Bargains.... Pink Rhubarb & Pear = Amazing Vanilla Sugar Cookie = Fresh Sea Salt and Cotton = Homely
Ooooooo nice
There is also a new yankee candle scent.
Ron Jeremy's tache.
"Smells a bit fishy so I heard.... | |||
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"Auntie P. My phone keeps auto correcting "Snog" to "Song" Now I have meets arranged and they are expecting a serenade! I've heard myself sing. I sound like Alan Carr on crack at a Guns n Roses karaoke. I think this may ruin my chances of naked athletics... help!!" Persuade Ed Sheeran to do the music bit, whilst you present them with flowers, krispy kreme donuts, and a meeting of lips | |||
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"Auntie P. After 2 months in america I am managing to lose the couple of kilos I put on due to their shit food.. But now i am craving carbs like fuck. I am only allowing 2 meal ls with limited carbs per week... Help!" Pretend carbs has been misspelled and they're actually pube crabs. Still craving them? | |||
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x | |||
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"Hey Aunty P ..I'm hanging at work (not literally lol) could do with your motivational speak. My hands are firmly inside the rail..hit me up
You recreate Bs dancing energy and gusto. Not the dancing mind, just the energy
Grab yourself a share bag of maltesers at the next opportunity but don't share.
You fucking rebel
Smiling here as always at your wisdom...love it.
B does have energy galore...I could do with some of that..nice one
I need that energy tbf, I'd be knackered at work without it! When I have a day off it has to go somewhere...
In my honest opinion my dancing isn't too shabby (while no John Travolta, I managed to not get fired when I did it for a job at least) though I do appreciate that not every job approves of this...
Uncle B"From the moves I saw you they are not to shabby at all.. | |||
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"Bookmarking this to enjoy later! Whooooo love the advice line x"I apologise for being lack lustre today, I thought it would be a good idea to put Queer Eye on the telly box to drift off to sleep to having never watched an episode before. Let's just say I was still watching at 4am and thoroughly addicted | |||
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"I quite fancy buying a cast iron skillet......but a good one is quite expensive. I'd make good use of it, and it'll probably last a life time.....should I spend the money or make do without?" If you can afford it do it. You can't take either with you when you die but you can enjoy a decent meal whilst alive | |||
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"Sorry to call on you again Aunty P, Can you settle an argument between me and nerdy Dave from Accounts.... Can Wolverine be circumcised or not, due to his regenerative powers?? ....and not Hugh Jackman.... "I pity the fool who'd be stupid enough to try it. The answer is no. Big fat fucking no | |||
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"Aunty P, Speaking of "Pittying the fool" Was Mr T's supposed fear of planes/flying all a ruse?? Just so that he could be given Dr*gs? Because he was a massive addict who loved getting off his tits?? "He was one of those peeps who'd do anything for a nice nap. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Apart from dismissal, deleting or blocking, what's a suitable way to treat people who say I'm too ugly for Fab? " Send them to mine for a right good kick in the balls. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Apart from dismissal, deleting or blocking, what's a suitable way to treat people who say I'm too ugly for Fab? " sit on his face and tell the bastard to lie....I presume it was Pinocchio that said above mentioned comment.... | |||
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"Auntie P. Inwas having a fucking great friday, until I realised it was only tuesday.. what the actual fuck?" Better than when you wake up thinking it's your day off when it isn't. Least it means next Monday is further away | |||
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"Hey Aunty P ..I'm hanging at work (not literally lol) could do with your motivational speak. My hands are firmly inside the rail..hit me up
You recreate Bs dancing energy and gusto. Not the dancing mind, just the energy
Grab yourself a share bag of maltesers at the next opportunity but don't share.
You fucking rebel
Smiling here as always at your wisdom...love it.
B does have energy galore...I could do with some of that..nice one
I need that energy tbf, I'd be knackered at work without it! When I have a day off it has to go somewhere...
In my honest opinion my dancing isn't too shabby (while no John Travolta, I managed to not get fired when I did it for a job at least) though I do appreciate that not every job approves of this...
Uncle B
From the moves I saw you they are not to shabby at all.. "Aw, why thank you dear lady!
Uncle B | |||
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"Auntie P. After 2 months in america I am managing to lose the couple of kilos I put on due to their shit food.. But now i am craving carbs like fuck. I am only allowing 2 meal ls with limited carbs per week... Help!" Auntie P has had to take a piss break in line with current EU regulations (so when we leave it she'll simply have to cross her legs and type whilst biting down on her lip; Yeah thanks for THAT Boris!) But Uncle B here to cover her with an off tangent bit of advice to the deeply troubled gentleman indeed above; in America they also have lots of salad bars opening up and becoming more popular, next time in the States hit them on the evening and save your carb intakes at Emporiums such as Big Tony's Wafflehouse in Syrup Ocean for morning and lunchtime. Bit too serious for this thread, that. Oh well, I can hear those trademark last few drips from behind the bathroom door (where I've been with a glass pressed against it) so Auntie P will therefore be back to answer your gut wrenching woes again very shortly....
Uncle B | |||
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"Auntie P. If 2 people on opposite sides of the works drop a slice of bread at exactly the same time, does the world briefly become a sandwich?" On opposite sides of the world too | |||
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"Auntie P. If 2 people on opposite sides of the works drop a slice of bread at exactly the same time, does the world briefly become a sandwich? On opposite sides of the world too " Fucking autocarrot.. going for a snog.. | |||
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"Do u want a go on my new stannar stair lift?" Are there sweets on it? I want it to pause on every step and supply a bag of drumstick squashies | |||
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"Auntie P. I'm being bullied by 2 ladies what should I do to rectify this problem?" Send them to me for a swift cunt kicking. | |||
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"Auntie P. If 2 people on opposite sides of the works drop a slice of bread at exactly the same time, does the world briefly become a sandwich? On opposite sides of the world too Fucking autocarrot.. going for a snog.. " | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy..... "Does your boyfriend Nigel (M) know??? | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy..... "There needs to be a new label for this phenomenon, as many are gripped by him. Twas Deadpool that did it | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy..... "Just because he is on holiday and you go round having wet dreams for Deadpool ... actually so would I...... | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy.....
There needs to be a new label for this phenomenon, as many are gripped by him.
Twas Deadpool that did it "Damn right it was | |||
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"Do u want a go on my new stannar stair lift? Are there sweets on it? I want it to pause on every step and supply a bag of drumstick squashies " uninvited now stopping and starting costs money do u not know me | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy.....
There needs to be a new label for this phenomenon, as many are gripped by him.
Twas Deadpool that did it
Damn right it was "Makes my poonani pulse | |||
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"Do u want a go on my new stannar stair lift? Are there sweets on it? I want it to pause on every step and supply a bag of drumstick squashies uninvited now stopping and starting costs money do u not know me "#proudcheapskate | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy.....
There needs to be a new label for this phenomenon, as many are gripped by him.
Twas Deadpool that did it
Damn right it was
Makes my poonani pulse "Hmm love a good FannyFlutter ha ha | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy.....
There needs to be a new label for this phenomenon, as many are gripped by him.
Twas Deadpool that did it
Damn right it was
Makes my poonani pulse
Hmm love a good FannyFlutter ha ha "Fandango tango. Oooft | |||
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"Aunty P/Uncle B, I am becoming increasing obsessed with Ryan Reynolds lately, I think I love him, I'm as straight as owt and have no homoerotic thoughts at all.....but lately I feel if I watch another one of his films I'm going to turn into a full blown stark raving homosexual with all the bells and whistles......is there some underlying tendencies suppressed in me.....or is it just completely natural with his handsome face, quick witted humour, chiseled 6 pack and Canadian charm....he's do magnetic and dreamy.....
There needs to be a new label for this phenomenon, as many are gripped by him.
Twas Deadpool that did it
Damn right it was
Makes my poonani pulse
Hmm love a good FannyFlutter ha ha
Fandango tango. Oooft "Oh how that hunk of a man sends my 'twat a twitching' | |||
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"Auntie P. Currently having a clear out. Do I need the 7 micro USB cables in my man drawer?" You stolen them off snow whites mates? | |||
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"Aunty P, Why is it weird if a man or woman were to shout out across the street...."Oi, anyone Fancy a Fuck??"... ...yet the bastard birds in the tree outside my window, and everywhere else for that matter, do it all day long and nobody even cares or bats an eyelid??? "Birdsong is a beautiful thing, as can be the wooing of humans, if they do it all lush like. Air rifle. | |||
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"Auntie P I read an article recently on guaranteed pick up techniques. Number 4 was "impress her with your willycopter" I'm now sat waiting for my solicitor. What did i do wrong? I followed the instructions precisely.. it had rhythm and momentum.. no floppiness. Some women just cant take a joke." You doofus, you DO need the flop when perfecting that manoeuvre! | |||
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"Auntie P I read an article recently on guaranteed pick up techniques. Number 4 was "impress her with your willycopter" I'm now sat waiting for my solicitor. What did i do wrong? I followed the instructions precisely.. it had rhythm and momentum.. no floppiness. Some women just cant take a joke. You doofus, you DO need the flop when perfecting that manoeuvre!" To make just one SLIGHT adjustment to that technique my love and Auntie to the Anguished, as this particular problem alerted me from completing the world's hardest crossword - (Hmmmm, Embrace, 3 letters...I'll come back to that one...) I personally think it would be best to perform that manoeuvre whilst on the flop, repeatedly orbit your schlong until it slows to a halt and "Hey Presto!" it's hard! Now THAT's a party trick! With an announcement of "And the chopper is AIRBORNE!" at the astounding conclusion?
Uncle B | |||
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"Auntie P I read an article recently on guaranteed pick up techniques. Number 4 was "impress her with your willycopter" I'm now sat waiting for my solicitor. What did i do wrong? I followed the instructions precisely.. it had rhythm and momentum.. no floppiness. Some women just cant take a joke. You doofus, you DO need the flop when perfecting that manoeuvre! To make just one SLIGHT adjustment to that technique my love and Auntie to the Anguished, as this particular problem alerted me from completing the world's hardest crossword - (Hmmmm, Embrace, 3 letters...I'll come back to that one...) I personally think it would be best to perform that manoeuvre whilst on the flop, repeatedly orbit your schlong until it slows to a halt and "Hey Presto!" it's hard! Now THAT's a party trick! With an announcement of "And the chopper is AIRBORNE!" at the astounding conclusion?
Uncle B"That's a doozie. Hub? | |||
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"Auntie P. If we have fingertips but not toe tips, why can we tiptoe but not tipfinger?" You can use your fingers as a ray gun peown peown, that's all that matters | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I've just got home to some bad news, Dentist letter in today's post!! The problem I face is that Dentists make money from our bad teeth and tell us to brush more etc. But then the toothpaste states that "9 out of 10 dentists recommend" said toothpaste....how can I trust either?? "You can't. They're robbing bastards. On a side note, if there are any lovely dental peeps who would like to sort my bexleys out and get them white and straight then hit me up buttercup. I don't want full on Rylan but a good 50% will do | |||
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" On a side note, if there are any lovely dental peeps who would like to sort my bexleys out and get them white and straight then hit me up buttercup. I don't want full on Rylan but a good 50% will do " .....nicccceeee turn on the shameless promotion there... | |||
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" On a side note, if there are any lovely dental peeps who would like to sort my bexleys out and get them white and straight then hit me up buttercup. I don't want full on Rylan but a good 50% will do .....nicccceeee turn on the shameless promotion there... "Well ya know, can't hurt to talk to people in the know | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it OK to use Febreeze airfreshener instead of a deodorant. It smells nice, I'm just concerned about the health aspect Asking for a confused teenager "Now this IS a conundrum
I'll go with yes for now. Chemical burns or B.O can be dealt with later | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it OK to use Febreeze airfreshener instead of a deodorant. It smells nice, I'm just concerned about the health aspect Asking for a confused teenager
Now this IS a conundrum
I'll go with yes for now. Chemical burns or B.O can be dealt with later "I wish the other teen had used it to Tbh Hormonal boy is not a good smell in an enclosed space, for 5hrs | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it OK to use Febreeze airfreshener instead of a deodorant. It smells nice, I'm just concerned about the health aspect Asking for a confused teenager
Now this IS a conundrum
I'll go with yes for now. Chemical burns or B.O can be dealt with later
I wish the other teen had used it to Tbh
Hormonal boy is not a good smell in an enclosed space, for 5hrs "Isn't Hormonal Boy the new fragrance by Marc Jacobs?? | |||
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"Dear Auntie P Is it OK to use Febreeze airfreshener instead of a deodorant. It smells nice, I'm just concerned about the health aspect Asking for a confused teenager
Now this IS a conundrum
I'll go with yes for now. Chemical burns or B.O can be dealt with later
I wish the other teen had used it to Tbh
Hormonal boy is not a good smell in an enclosed space, for 5hrs
Isn't Hormonal Boy the new fragrance by Marc Jacobs??"La feeties ans la grime I don't miss it one iota. Sweat and despair | |||
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