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Auntie Ps advice line
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
You know the drill, hit me with your troubles... or a shovel, choice is yours.
I'll do what I can to ease the burden and offer you advice Dear Deirdre wished she'd thought of.
What ya waiting for?
P |
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Dear Auntie,
Whilst mowing my lawn earlier today, I inadvertently ran over my left foot with the mower whereupon the blades severed my toes which subsequently flew over into my neighbours garden.
My question is therefore a legal one; Even though they now reside on my neighbours lawn and patio, are the said toes still legally mine and am I within my rights to reclaim them?
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie,
Whilst mowing my lawn earlier today, I inadvertently ran over my left foot with the mower whereupon the blades severed my toes which subsequently flew over into my neighbours garden.
My question is therefore a legal one; Even though they now reside on my neighbours lawn and patio, are the said toes still legally mine and am I within my rights to reclaim them?
"
Well this is a troubling situation my child. You will need to invite all of the local children around to play in the garden. Give them all a ball each with gorilla glue smeared over it. On the count of 3 all the kids "accidentally" throw the ball over to next door. The neighbours won't be able to tolerate the sadness of all the crying children wanting their balls back.
Here's the genius bit. The balls MUST have rolled over your missing tootsies and picked them up on the gorilla glue.
Balls come back, so do toes.
No need for lawyers.
Boootiful. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How do i stop my piss instinct 
You don't. Invest in huggies i cant give huggies for fear of boob pressage making me point tho"
Tape it down with gaffa tape |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD"
Reverse psychology, pretend to have a girlfriend now or be getting close to someone else. Them bitches and slippers love a bit of someone else's man. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD
Reverse psychology, pretend to have a girlfriend now or be getting close to someone else. Them bitches and slippers love a bit of someone else's man."
Slappers are a fan too |
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"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD
Reverse psychology, pretend to have a girlfriend now or be getting close to someone else. Them bitches and slippers love a bit of someone else's man."
Noted, I'll let my bitch know she has to play her part. Thank you. |
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"Dear Auntie,
Whilst mowing my lawn earlier today, I inadvertently ran over my left foot with the mower whereupon the blades severed my toes which subsequently flew over into my neighbours garden.
My question is therefore a legal one; Even though they now reside on my neighbours lawn and patio, are the said toes still legally mine and am I within my rights to reclaim them?
Well this is a troubling situation my child. You will need to invite all of the local children around to play in the garden. Give them all a ball each with gorilla glue smeared over it. On the count of 3 all the kids "accidentally" throw the ball over to next door. The neighbours won't be able to tolerate the sadness of all the crying children wanting their balls back.
Here's the genius bit. The balls MUST have rolled over your missing tootsies and picked them up on the gorilla glue.
Balls come back, so do toes.
No need for lawyers.
Boootiful."
 Ingenious! I knew I could count on you Auntie   Thank you - With my real toes returned, I can now remove these somewhat ineffective McCain Oven Fries that I’ve been using as rather unconvincing prosthetic stand-ins  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD
Reverse psychology, pretend to have a girlfriend now or be getting close to someone else. Them bitches and slippers love a bit of someone else's man.
Noted, I'll let my bitch know she has to play her part. Thank you. "
Good show sir. You watch them fannies come sliding in your direction like slugs on a damp evening |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie,
Whilst mowing my lawn earlier today, I inadvertently ran over my left foot with the mower whereupon the blades severed my toes which subsequently flew over into my neighbours garden.
My question is therefore a legal one; Even though they now reside on my neighbours lawn and patio, are the said toes still legally mine and am I within my rights to reclaim them?
Well this is a troubling situation my child. You will need to invite all of the local children around to play in the garden. Give them all a ball each with gorilla glue smeared over it. On the count of 3 all the kids "accidentally" throw the ball over to next door. The neighbours won't be able to tolerate the sadness of all the crying children wanting their balls back.
Here's the genius bit. The balls MUST have rolled over your missing tootsies and picked them up on the gorilla glue.
Balls come back, so do toes.
No need for lawyers.
Boootiful.
Ingenious! I knew I could count on you Auntie Thank you - With my real toes returned, I can now remove these somewhat ineffective McCain Oven Fries that I’ve been using as rather unconvincing prosthetic stand-ins "
All in time for your evening meal. Cheesy toe chips. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Auntie P,
I love Charlie very much but he snores really loud and takes up all the room in my bed when he stays overnight, so I can't get any sleep. He also has a very bad farting problem (farts stink too).
How can I raise these problems with him without upsetting him.
If the situation continues I won't be able to marry him after all.
Hev
|
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"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD
Reverse psychology, pretend to have a girlfriend now or be getting close to someone else. Them bitches and slippers love a bit of someone else's man.
Noted, I'll let my bitch know she has to play her part. Thank you.
Good show sir. You watch them fannies come sliding in your direction like slugs on a damp evening "
My new almost girlfriend thinks you're great. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do i stop my piss instinct
You don't. Invest in huggies i cant give huggies for fear of boob pressage making me point tho
Tape it down with gaffa tape"
il try but i dont wanna waste the tape on me its got another purpose  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You know the drill, hit me with your troubles... or a shovel, choice is yours.
I'll do what I can to ease the burden and offer you advice Dear Deirdre wished she'd thought of.
What ya waiting for?
P"
I have set my height preferences for a reason but I still get women of 6'3 and taller approaching me, do I just block women altogether because they can't read?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I love Charlie very much but he snores really loud and takes up all the room in my bed when he stays overnight, so I can't get any sleep. He also has a very bad farting problem (farts stink too).
How can I raise these problems with him without upsetting him.
If the situation continues I won't be able to marry him after all.
Hev
"
Garden man cave. Set it up all romantic like, with a bed and everything ...but with lots of man toys in there too. That's your "chill zone"
He falls asleep in there you sneak out. Set your alarm 10 mins before his and go sneak back in moments before he wakes.
*whispers* he will never know |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD
Reverse psychology, pretend to have a girlfriend now or be getting close to someone else. Them bitches and slippers love a bit of someone else's man.
Noted, I'll let my bitch know she has to play her part. Thank you.
Good show sir. You watch them fannies come sliding in your direction like slugs on a damp evening
My new almost girlfriend thinks you're great. "
I like her already |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How do i stop my piss instinct
You don't. Invest in huggies i cant give huggies for fear of boob pressage making me point tho
Tape it down with gaffa tapeil try but i dont wanna waste the tape on me its got another purpose "
Get another roll.
One for penis one for fun |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You know the drill, hit me with your troubles... or a shovel, choice is yours.
I'll do what I can to ease the burden and offer you advice Dear Deirdre wished she'd thought of.
What ya waiting for?
PI have set my height preferences for a reason but I still get women of 6'3 and taller approaching me, do I just block women altogether because they can't read? "
No numbnuts, you go hang out at the local ladies basketball court and see who's near |
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Dear Auntie P,
Guys are gross commenting on my arse and my squats (yes squatting gives you a nice arse). Before my biceps look big enough to scare them into keeping their comments to themselves, how do I make them fuck off? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You know the drill, hit me with your troubles... or a shovel, choice is yours.
I'll do what I can to ease the burden and offer you advice Dear Deirdre wished she'd thought of.
What ya waiting for?
PI have set my height preferences for a reason but I still get women of 6'3 and taller approaching me, do I just block women altogether because they can't read?
No numbnuts, you go hang out at the local ladies basketball court and see who's near "
Wow great idea and they are a little numb it's this saddle I think |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
Guys are gross commenting on my arse and my squats (yes squatting gives you a nice arse). Before my biceps look big enough to scare them into keeping their comments to themselves, how do I make them fuck off? "
You save their messages until you're due on. When the rage hits..... slap em with words baby! |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
Guys are gross commenting on my arse and my squats (yes squatting gives you a nice arse). Before my biceps look big enough to scare them into keeping their comments to themselves, how do I make them fuck off? "
work in a fish market for 6 months it'll do the trick  |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I love Charlie very much but he snores really loud and takes up all the room in my bed when he stays overnight, so I can't get any sleep. He also has a very bad farting problem (farts stink too).
How can I raise these problems with him without upsetting him.
If the situation continues I won't be able to marry him after all.
Hev
Garden man cave. Set it up all romantic like, with a bed and everything ...but with lots of man toys in there too. That's your "chill zone"
He falls asleep in there you sneak out. Set your alarm 10 mins before his and go sneak back in moments before he wakes.
*whispers* he will never know "
That's genius, thank you so much. I will get to work on his man cave straight away xx |
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"Dear Auntie P,
Guys are gross commenting on my arse and my squats (yes squatting gives you a nice arse). Before my biceps look big enough to scare them into keeping their comments to themselves, how do I make them fuck off?
You save their messages until you're due on. When the rage hits..... slap em with words baby! "
how about in public? |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do i stop my piss instinct
You don't. Invest in huggies i cant give huggies for fear of boob pressage making me point tho
Tape it down with gaffa tapeil try but i dont wanna waste the tape on me its got another purpose
Get another roll.
One for penis one for fun"
so practical you are |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
Me and my new girlfriend have decided it's okay for me to play alone. Should I open a couples profile and then put "female half not playing"?
Cheers DD"
Too much.... reign it in a little.
You don't want permission, bitches and slappers prefer the chase of those that are off limits. On the down low yeah  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Aunt P
My girlfriend has given birth to my beautiful child, while we were in the hospital I had sex in a supply cupboard with 3 sex midwives and a woman whos husband was in the middle of a kidney operation.
After which we all went back to a hotel where we took lots drugs and had even more sex.
This isn't a problem
Just wanted to let you know |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm in the mood for sucking cock but I am not in the mood for chatting and arranging things. What can I do? "
Eat a banana, followed by a sausage. Inject some garlic mayo into the sausage. When it pops in your mouth you know you've done a good job and now you're all garlicky it will take any thoughts of actually meeting a real hooman away |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD"
Hey we have the same initials  |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
Guys are gross commenting on my arse and my squats (yes squatting gives you a nice arse). Before my biceps look big enough to scare them into keeping their comments to themselves, how do I make them fuck off?
You save their messages until you're due on. When the rage hits..... slap em with words baby!
how about in public? "
We arrange to meet these morons then tag in and out on an onslaught of fucknuggetry and public humiliation.
I'll get the pom poms and banners made |
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"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD
Hey we have the same initials "
That means we have to fuck. Sorry but rules is rules, and that's rule number 47 of the fab code of conduct. Inbox me your foo and we can go from there. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunt P
My girlfriend has given birth to my beautiful child, while we were in the hospital I had sex in a supply cupboard with 3 sex midwives and a woman whos husband was in the middle of a kidney operation.
After which we all went back to a hotel where we took lots drugs and had even more sex.
This isn't a problem
Just wanted to let you know "
There is a slight problem. You took the kidney home instead of the baby |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunt P
My girlfriend has given birth to my beautiful child, while we were in the hospital I had sex in a supply cupboard with 3 sex midwives and a woman whos husband was in the middle of a kidney operation.
After which we all went back to a hotel where we took lots drugs and had even more sex.
This isn't a problem
Just wanted to let you know
There is a slight problem. You took the kidney home instead of the baby "
After the night we had in the hotel, I needed the kidney more |
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Dear Auntie P,
I have had the sudden urge recently to wrap a black bin bag around my willy. I have no idea where this urge has come from. Im worried that somebody may see me one day in this predicament.
Please help. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntue P
No one wants to fuck me. What advice do you have to increase my chances with the bitches and slappers?
Yours DD
Hey we have the same initials "
I do believe the phantom love interest may not be so phantom after all  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm in the mood for sucking cock but I am not in the mood for chatting and arranging things. What can I do?
Eat a banana, followed by a sausage. Inject some garlic mayo into the sausage. When it pops in your mouth you know you've done a good job and now you're all garlicky it will take any thoughts of actually meeting a real hooman away "
Yeah I'm turned off just reading that  .
Thanks P! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I have had the sudden urge recently to wrap a black bin bag around my willy. I have no idea where this urge has come from. Im worried that somebody may see me one day in this predicament.
Please help. "
Roll with it young padwan, you may be surprised.... or end up in landfill |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hi
I really need an orgasm but cant be arsed to move my pants out the way and play...is there an easier way or shall I just get someone else to do it?"
Ha ha, thats funny
Women can't have orgasms |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hi
I really need an orgasm but cant be arsed to move my pants out the way and play...is there an easier way or shall I just get someone else to do it?"
Oddly enough I know just the person to help with this predicament......
*Shouts* DD GET YOUR ARSE THERE ASAP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hi
I really need an orgasm but cant be arsed to move my pants out the way and play...is there an easier way or shall I just get someone else to do it?
Oddly enough I know just the person to help with this predicament......
*Shouts* DD GET YOUR ARSE THERE ASAP"
Thanks you really are good at this! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How do you get spaff stains from someone’s photos? Asking for a friend"
What you have to do is wank yourself dry, that way when you spaff over the picture it's no more than dust, a penis fart at best |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do you get spaff stains from someone’s photos? Asking for a friend
What you have to do is wank yourself dry, that way when you spaff over the picture it's no more than dust, a penis fart at best "
Ahh prevention is better than cure. But what if they’re already stained? asking for a friend |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"dear auntie p,,,i swithering between buying a cute lil tartan bodycon dress or a leopard print one what should I buy,,or should I buy both "
You buy both and whichever one doesn't fit you send to a friend as a gift... a friend who loves tartan.
Send me the bodycon dress dammit |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How do you get spaff stains from someone’s photos? Asking for a friend
What you have to do is wank yourself dry, that way when you spaff over the picture it's no more than dust, a penis fart at best
Ahh prevention is better than cure. But what if they’re already stained? asking for a friend "
I can't lie to you. You're fucked |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do you get spaff stains from someone’s photos? Asking for a friend
What you have to do is wank yourself dry, that way when you spaff over the picture it's no more than dust, a penis fart at best
Ahh prevention is better than cure. But what if they’re already stained? asking for a friend
I can't lie to you. You're fucked "
Wankered I think was the term you’re looking for |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"dear auntie p,,,i swithering between buying a cute lil tartan bodycon dress or a leopard print one what should I buy,,or should I buy both
You buy both and whichever one doesn't fit you send to a friend as a gift... a friend who loves tartan.
Send me the bodycon dress dammit "
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Womens-Plaid-Strappy-Mini-Dress-Ladies-Summer-Holiday-Check-Sun-Dresses-Party-UK/254300829815?hash=item3b3582b877&var&_trkparms=ispr%3D1&enc=AQAEAAADEKvsXIZtBqdkfsZsMtzFbFsbX3WcW5fmB%2Fx7Z
its cute eh |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How do you get spaff stains from someone’s photos? Asking for a friend
What you have to do is wank yourself dry, that way when you spaff over the picture it's no more than dust, a penis fart at best
Ahh prevention is better than cure. But what if they’re already stained? asking for a friend
I can't lie to you. You're fucked
Wankered I think was the term you’re looking for"
I was just trying to put a positive spin on it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"dear auntie p,,,i swithering between buying a cute lil tartan bodycon dress or a leopard print one what should I buy,,or should I buy both
You buy both and whichever one doesn't fit you send to a friend as a gift... a friend who loves tartan.
Send me the bodycon dress dammit
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Womens-Plaid-Strappy-Mini-Dress-Ladies-Summer-Holiday-Check-Sun-Dresses-Party-UK/254300829815?hash=item3b3582b877&var&_trkparms=ispr%3D1&enc=AQAEAAADEKvsXIZtBqdkfsZsMtzFbFsbX3WcW5fmB%2Fx7Z
its cute eh"
Very |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P.
I feel like I spend far too much time wanking currently. What should I do?
Yours
RubbingoutanotherasItypethis"
Ahhh good evening Meli.
Here's the crack, you wallop "Joyride" by Roxette on super mega loud and your desire to be an flick will be ousted by the need to dance like nobody is looking |
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