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Jokes

By *tella Heels OP TV/TS over a year ago

west here ford shire

Tell a decent joke

A man goes into a seafood restaurant one of the ones where you choose your food from s tank, he chooses a squid with light green hair over his top lip, the waiter picks out the squid and takes him to gervais the chef..

Getvais is about to do the deed and just as the meat cleaver is coming down, he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t do it, heart broken he takes it to the German rough handed dish washer Hans to do the deed,

Hans swings the cleaver and just as the cleaver comes down he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t go through with it

So the morale of this story is

With Hans that did dishes is as soft as getvais on mild green hairy lip squid

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

Oh dear, dear

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tell a decent joke

Hans swings the cleaver and just as the cleaver comes down he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t go through with it

So the morale of this story is

With Hans that did dishes is as soft as getvais on mild green hairy lip squid"

Truly awful

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By *tella Heels OP TV/TS over a year ago

west here ford shire

Came home today and found a pretty lady tiling my bathroom, She was singing away “ it’s a heartache nothing but a fools game”

She’s a bonnie tiler

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Came home today and found a pretty lady tiling my bathroom, She was singing away “ it’s a heartache nothing but a fools game”

She’s a bonnie tiler"

that's so bad its good

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Came home today and found a pretty lady tiling my bathroom, She was singing away “ it’s a heartache nothing but a fools game”

She’s a bonnie tiler"

I'm crap at jokes...cant think of any

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By *tella Heels OP TV/TS over a year ago

west here ford shire

I don’t know if this was a scam or not, but just received an automated phone call saying I have one either £500 or two tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute act.

It then said

Press 1) for the money

2) for the show

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Does any know what a shitzu is?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A zoo with no animals

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"Does any know what a shitzu is?"

An animal park with a dog as the only attraction

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My Mrs just bought herself a smart car !!!

She drove it home & now it won’t let her in

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Always give 100%,

unless you're a blood donor.

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By *tella Heels OP TV/TS over a year ago

west here ford shire

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors....

It’s just something I can see myself doing

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By *tella Heels OP TV/TS over a year ago

west here ford shire

Been suffering with depression,my brother comes round and says “ it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water”

I know he means well

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By *erriAnneTV/TS over a year ago

The shire

"Tell a decent joke

Hans swings the cleaver and just as the cleaver comes down he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t go through with it

So the morale of this story is

With Hans that did dishes is as soft as getvais on mild green hairy lip squid"

That was relevant back on 1987

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By *tella Heels OP TV/TS over a year ago

west here ford shire

"Tell a decent joke

Hans swings the cleaver and just as the cleaver comes down he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t go through with it

So the morale of this story is

With Hans that did dishes is as soft as getvais on mild green hairy lip squid

That was relevant back on 1987"

Oh stop being so catty

How about bringing a joke to the thread instead?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Been suffering with depression,my brother comes round and says “ it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water”

I know he means well"

this ones going in the bank

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By *ired_upMan over a year ago

ashton

Guy was shot the other day on the rough estate near me with a starting pistol they use at the Olympics and stuff.

Police think it's race related.

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Theres been some scumbag called Callum or Cal robbing houses in our street lately , for some reason the police could never catch him . The strange thing is , when he leaves each house he puts a brick in people's washing machines and turns them on to fuck the machines up.

Today it's been revealed he's been found dead of an overdose.

I dont like to speak ill of the dead , but on the bright side , washing machines live longer with Cal gone .

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Theres been some scumbag called Callum or Cal robbing houses in our street lately , for some reason the police could never catch him . The strange thing is , when he leaves each house he puts a brick in people's washing machines and turns them on to fuck the machines up.

Today it's been revealed he's been found dead of an overdose.

I dont like to speak ill of the dead , but on the bright side , washing machines live longer with Cal gone ."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tell a decent joke

Hans swings the cleaver and just as the cleaver comes down he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t go through with it

So the morale of this story is

With Hans that did dishes is as soft as getvais on mild green hairy lip squid

That was relevant back on 1987"

Rubbish, it's been on much more recently than that x

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Today it's been revealed he's been found dead of an overdose.

I dont like to speak ill of the dead , but on the bright side , washing machines live longer with Cal gone .

"
Thankyou xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Who was the most successful Knight of the round table?

Sir Cumference

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"Who was the most successful Knight of the round table?

Sir Cumference

P"
Haha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tell a decent joke

Hans swings the cleaver and just as the cleaver comes down he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t go through with it

So the morale of this story is

With Hans that did dishes is as soft as getvais on mild green hairy lip squid"

Bizarrely B told me this one last week!

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

OK, since we're into torturous word-play jokes, have this one.

In 1950s Russia there was a party member named Rudolph. His wife wanted to go out for a walk together but he said the weather was going to be terrible. She looked at the forecast in the paper and said it was going to be bright and sunny. He replied "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"OK, since we're into torturous word-play jokes, have this one.

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By *arkstaffsMan over a year ago

Rugeley

Saw a magic tractor earlier..

It turned into a field..

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By *edmark07Man over a year ago

liverpool

"Guy was shot the other day on the rough estate near me with a starting pistol they use at the Olympics and stuff.

Police think it's race related. "

This gets my vote

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

An old man gets on a bus and there's no seats so he leans on his walking stick.

The bus brakes and he slips .

A young boy says "mister if you had a rubber on the end of your stick that wouldn't have happened" .

The old man replies "if your daddy had taken the same advice i'd have a bloody seat!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.

She comes over and says hi to him.

He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do you know me?”

She replies, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

The guy’s mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

Have you heard the news? There's a new type of chewable form of amphetamine/ hallucinogenic being distributed in Yorkshire.

It's called "E by gum"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I rang the tinnitus helpline...it just keeps ringing

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By *wist my nipplesCouple over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*ack*

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife kept going mad at me for drinking all her red wine.

So instead I added some fruit and lemonade to it and now shes Sangria than ever!

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"My wife kept going mad at me for drinking all her red wine.

So instead I added some fruit and lemonade to it and now shes Sangria than ever!"

Oh dear

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By *nglishdoodMan over a year ago

Morristown

People are often shocked when they find out I'm a bad electrician.

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

What have Adam Johnson and venus Williams both got in common...?

They have both left court 1 after being on the receiving end of a 15 year olds forehand....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man in the supermarket reminded me of Adolf Hitler.He said "Don't forget about Adolf Hitler"

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*ack*"

Can anybody tell me which word the site has censored? I can't work it out!

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By *wist my nipplesCouple over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*ack*

Can anybody tell me which word the site has censored? I can't work it out!

It’s not censored, I was trying to replicate a gagging sound in writing. Turns out that’s quite tricky Mr.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why aren't After 8's called Nines

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why should I give you the job of reverse psychologist?.

"you shouldn't"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woodpecker said I'm paranoid in Morse code

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you weren't meant to eat at night- why is there a light in the fridge

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

She gets her good looks from her father- he's a plastic surgeon

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By *retty GoodMan over a year ago

Cardiff Bay

What’s blue and dosent fit ?

A dead epileptic

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

God is the best inventor ever ..he took a rib from a man and created a loudspeaker

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to like tractors.

I don't anymore.

I'm an extractor fan

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

BNAG..Thats bang out of order

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I asked google who hit the first ever tennis ball at Wimbledon.. Google said 'server cannot be found'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A farmer said to me ' I've got 38 sheep can you round them up for me'.

I said sure- you've got 40

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The most common denominator in all your failed relationships is you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If her left leg was breakfast and her right leg was dinner-

I'd start eating between meals

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By *xhib12Man over a year ago

Blyth

How do you stop moles digging up your lawn?

Hide the spade.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife asked me to go "commando"

So I hid in the garden

For three days

Then shot her

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If a man opens a car door for a woman its either a new woman or a new car

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you could choose between Bill Gates money,or world peace,what colour would your Rolls Royce be ?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cancer

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mother has short-term memory loss I hope it doesn't run in our family as my mum has it too

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If wrinkle cream works-Why do women have fingerprints

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd get banned for life if I dropped some of the bangers I have stored in my brain

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I met my wife in a travel agents.

She was a last resort.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ok, here it goes.

Theres a guy and a girl who get set up by friends on a blind date.

They meet in a nice restaurant, and the evening is going well. The food is amazing, the wine is flowing and before long they feel like they have known each other for years!

Eventually, the conversation turns to party tricks. The guy says he has a good one, grabs four dinner rolls, juggles three of them and balances the fourth on his nose.

He flicks all four into the air, and they land onthe table in a perfect little pyramid.

'Impressive, but i can do better! I can sing ave maria, and at the same time give you the best blowjob you ever had.'

'No way. I dont believe you!'

So she proves it. She disappears under the tablecloth, and true to her word a beautiful soprano voice is heard singing ave maria as she unzips his flies, and he feels the familiar wetness around his cock.

After a few minutes, he reaches his 'special moment' and the singing stops.

As she climbed out from under the table, and he rearranged himself he asked:

'How do you even do that? It was amazing!'

She didnt even get the chance to reply before he looked across the table, and saw her wine glass with something in it.

He leaned a little closer.

It was a glass eye.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My wife asked me to go "commando"

So I hid in the garden

For three days

Then shot her "

I proper laughed at that

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.

Man: How much?

Woman: $90,000

Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.

Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.

Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!

Man: Bye, I love you too.

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/07/19 19:15:19]

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By *heklangsCouple over a year ago

Liverpool

"My wife asked me to go "commando"

So I hid in the garden

For three days

Then shot her

I proper laughed at that

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.

Man: How much?

Woman: $90,000

Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.

Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.

Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!

Man: Bye, I love you too.

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?"

Hahaha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do ye call a homeless nun?

A roman Catholic.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What makes an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you burn an Irish man’s ears? Phone him when he’s ironing.

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By *laytimenowMan over a year ago

Essex

Breaking News

A dysleksic junkie has just

Been found dead after taking a dodgy F .

White Horse walks into a pub & asks for a Pint of Bitter .

Barman says we've got a drink named after you ?

White Horse replies

What kind of a drink is a Trevor ?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Been suffering with depression,my brother comes round and says “ it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water”

I know he means well"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian

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By *ecretpantyTV/TS over a year ago

lisburn

Lol love it.

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By *ancadamMan over a year ago

Stockport

"Tell a decent joke

Hans swings the cleaver and just as the cleaver comes down he makes eye contact with the squid and can’t go through with it

So the morale of this story is

With Hans that did dishes is as soft as getvais on mild green hairy lip squid"
my kind of kind humouxxr

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By *ancadamMan over a year ago

Stockport

Today it's been revealed he's been found dead of an overdose.

I dont like to speak ill of the dead , but on the bright side , washing machines live longer with Cal gone ."
I'm stealing this.??????

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By *V-AliceTV/TS over a year ago

Ayr

An old dear is recently widowed. Feeling the need for company, she buys a parrot, despite being warned that it swears like a trooper.

At home, it's effing and blinding away but it can converse with her, so she sticks with it.

One day, the vicar calls; he's coming to visit her, to see how she's coping. She warns the parrot.

"The vicar is coming to see me. He's a man of the cloth, so you mustn't swear in front of him."

"Fuck off!" replies the parrot.

"I mean it", she says. "One foul word out of you and I WILL wring your neck and kill you."

The vicar duly arrives. The old dear goes to make a cup of tea for him. Whilst she's in the kitchen, he notices the parrot.

"P-P-P-Pretty Polly", he stutters.

The parrot looks at him but stays silent.

P-P-P-Pretty Polly", he tries again.

The parrot remains silent.

The old dear comes through with the tea and biscuits.

"C-C-C-Can your p-p-p-parrot n-n-n-not t-t-t-talk then?", he asks.

The parrot says:

"I can talk fucking better than you can!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He was up all night wondering if there was a dog or not.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

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By *ce WingerMan over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rock up at a town after a long trek on a cold evening, The Lone Ranger fancies a couple of whiskies and leaves Tonto outside with Silver, he's teetotal, as it's cold Tonto starts to jog on the spot to keep warm.

About an hour later, the Sheriff walks in and asks "Is The Lone Ranger in here?"

Yeah sure Sheriff, what's the problem?" replies The Lone Ranger.

"You've left your Injun running outside"

says the Sheriff

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By *ENGUYMan over a year ago

Hull

"The Lone Ranger and Tonto rock up at a town after a long trek on a cold evening, The Lone Ranger fancies a couple of whiskies and leaves Tonto outside with Silver, he's teetotal, as it's cold Tonto starts to jog on the spot to keep warm.

About an hour later, the Sheriff walks in and asks "Is The Lone Ranger in here?"

Yeah sure Sheriff, what's the problem?" replies The Lone Ranger.

"You've left your Injun running outside"

says the Sheriff

Oh, well done Ace!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

For my silver wedding anniversary I gave my wife a map of the world a dart and said where ever it lands we will go

I’m happy to announce in August we will be spending 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board

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By *iamond coupleCouple over a year ago

leeds

My wife and I were in bed when she turned round to me and said “ give me 6 inches and hurt me”. So I stuck my cock in twice and punched her in the mouth.

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By *oss and SuzieCouple over a year ago

Porthmadog

What do you call a Japanese Sumo wrestler with a father with diarrhoea? A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

To catch a female criminal.Put out a general description and add on a stone

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

About an hour later, the Sheriff walks in and asks "Is The Lone Ranger in here?"

Yeah sure Sheriff, what's the problem?" replies The Lone Ranger.

"You've left your Injun running outside"

says the Sheriff

It reminds me of this one...

A bloke walks into a bank and says "I'd like a loan".

The staff member replies "I'm afraid the loan arranger is in a different branch today".

So the customer says "Is Tonto available then?"

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By *uzzy NavelWoman over a year ago

so near and yet so far....

Why do 9ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they're not tenants...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

These two ladies are on their way home from a night out and get caught short ,they both go into the local cemetery to relieve themselves ,one uses her panties and the others uses a wreath to tidy themselves up..the following night the two husband's are in the pub having a pint ..one says .." I better keep an eye on my missus..she could be having an affair ..she came home last night with no panties on "... The other replied.." you think that's bad ..mine woke up this morning with a card between the cheeks of her arse saying .." we'll never forget you from all the lads at the station "

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By *aomilatteCouple over a year ago

Midlands

You’ve got to hand it to them.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"These two ladies are on their way home from a night out and get caught short ,they both go into the local cemetery to relieve themselves ,one uses her panties and the others uses a wreath to tidy themselves up..the following night the two husband's are in the pub having a pint ..one says .." I better keep an eye on my missus..she could be having an affair ..she came home last night with no panties on "... The other replied.." you think that's bad ..mine woke up this morning with a card between the cheeks of her arse saying .." we'll never forget you from all the lads at the station ""

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went out for a few drinks last weekend and ended up a little worse for wear. So at 2 in the morning when I finally got my d*unk ass home I wanted to be quiet and not wake anyone. I went into the cupboards in the kitchen and found a couple of fancy French pancakes and put them on my feet, result! I creped up the stairs without making a sound

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby.

Her mom's agreed to help out.

Just till I get hard...

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By *hatYorkLadMan over a year ago

York

I got this one from a 93 year old Normandy veteran last week

An Irishman is stranded on a desert island for weeks, one day a lifeboat in great condition washes up on the beach, the Irishman couldn't believe his luck and immediately set about smashing it up to try and build an escape raft from....

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By *helsea69400Couple over a year ago

CHICHESTER

How do you know when your sisters on?

When your dads willy tastes of blood!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two blondes walked into a skyscraper..

You'd have thought 1 would have seen it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bought the wife a water bed and we started drifting apart

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By *erriAnneTV/TS over a year ago

The shire

My friend failed their aboriginee music exam the other week

I asked her did ya redo it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My friend laughed at me when I said I could make a car out of spaghetti.. Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/07/19 18:33:36]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into the bar - he sits down and orders a drink. Ted gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.

"You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic.... and that aftershave is just wonderfull!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries toignore it.

Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.

"You W * NKER......Oh my god you STINK..........Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your' mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to Ted for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," Ted responds, "The peanuts are

complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

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By *arge Hardon ColliderMan over a year ago

Not far away

A friend of mine spent his life savings on a penis extension.

...It wouldn't be so bad but now his house looks ridiculous

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to be a triangle player in a reggae band...

I just used to stand at the back and "ting"

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By *uzukiNo1Woman over a year ago

Rhyl

What did the scarecrow get an award for???..............

He was outstanding in his field.....

Yes?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I came home after being out with the boys for days (thi was really ages ago) the girlfriend says to me next morning hey explain the lipstick on your shirt then .i says that's easy i use it to wipe it off my cock lol

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By * Kiwis and a BananaMan over a year ago

Part of your 5 a day

“Describe yourself in 3 words”

“Lazy”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Message me your savage jokes so you don't get judged

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By *V-AliceTV/TS over a year ago

Ayr

Wife whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just had a bath, darling. I've shaved my pussy, too; and you know what that means, don't you?"

"The plughole's blocked?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Guy goes into a bar and sees his mate Van Gogh sitting there. He says ‘hi Vincent, fancy a pint’? Vincent replies ‘no thanks I’ve got one ear’.

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

"Message me your savage jokes so you don't get judged

Sorry don't know any jokes about lily

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By *sianMancMan over a year ago

Manchester

Just googled weight loss plans because I'm trying to shift a bit of timber.

First website I looked at asked me to accept cookies.

How's that going to help?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My grandad asked me how to print on his new computer, I said "just control P"

He said "I've not been able to do that for years"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My grandad asked me how to print on his new computer, I said "just control P"

He said "I've not been able to do that for years""

Haha Lethal!

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Wife whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just had a bath, darling. I've shaved my pussy, too; and you know what that means, don't you?"

"The plughole's blocked?""

Lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When my girlfriend suggested we play doctors and nurses I was hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for three days.

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"I came home after being out with the boys for days (thi was really ages ago) the girlfriend says to me next morning hey explain the lipstick on your shirt then .i says that's easy i use it to wipe it off my cock lol "

Dear dear

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The quietest Christmas we ever had was when my mom accidentally covered the cake in tamazipan

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"What did the scarecrow get an award for???..............

He was outstanding in his field.....

Yes?

Oh no

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"If a man opens a car door for a woman its either a new woman or a new car"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bought a Chameleon.

Lost it

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Bought a Chameleon.

Lost it"

Its over there...oh no that's the remote control

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

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By *lik and PaulCouple over a year ago

Flagrante

"Does any know what a shitzu is?

An animal park with a dog as the only attraction"

....also had a baguette in a cage....it was bred in captivity.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A camel is a horse designed by the government

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was raised by my father, my mother left before I was born

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By *obert2Man over a year ago

durham

2 ladies cycling down a steep cobbled road..1 says to the other "never come this way before"

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By *SAchickWoman over a year ago

Hillside desolate

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster, but it only made him more sluggish.

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By *obert2Man over a year ago

durham

fella shopping in asda with the mrs.at the alcohol aisle he puts 3 packs of carlsberg special and 2 bottles of whisky in his trolly.his wife puts em back on the shelf saying u aint wasting money on that rubbish.at cosmetics aisle his wife picks up blusher ,lipstick,false eyelashes and other stuff.husband says..how come u can waste cas on that stuff then.mrs replies...its to make me look beautiful to which husband replied...so was the fuckin alcohol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In Jamacia you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.50:

In Barbados a chicken and mushroom pie will set you back £2.30:

Over in St Kitts and Nevis a mince and onion pie costs £1.75 and in Trinidad and Tobago you can have a steak and Ale pie for a mere £2.50.

These are the Pie rates of the Caribbean

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By *uckold.cplCouple over a year ago

Dublin

THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This morning I went to the meeting of my premature ejaculation support group.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a dog wagging its tail in Korea?

A Happy Meal

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By *irenGuy70Man over a year ago

Cirencester

"Barman, do you sell shorts?"

"Yes Sir, of course we do"

"Great, can I have a 32 inch waist please 'cos I've shit these.."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A masochist said to a sadist “hit me”.

To which the sadist replied “no”.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I came out of Tesco this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out, She'd lost all her holiday money I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan over a year ago

Aylesbury

The Tory party...

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By *ollycouple71Couple over a year ago

manchester

"fella shopping in asda with the mrs.at the alcohol aisle he puts 3 packs of carlsberg special and 2 bottles of whisky in his trolly.his wife puts em back on the shelf saying u aint wasting money on that rubbish.at cosmetics aisle his wife picks up blusher ,lipstick,false eyelashes and other stuff.husband says..how come u can waste cas on that stuff then.mrs replies...its to make me look beautiful to which husband replied...so was the fuckin alcohol"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to a lingerie shop and asked "are these knickers satin"

He said "No... They're new"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Local Indians trying to convert me to there religion.

They make me Sikh

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There's a man outside sat in a R A C van,crying..

I think he's heading for a breakdown

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Magistrate:"Have you been up before me before?"

Defendent: "I don't know,what time do you get up"?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My girlfriends got a baby due.

She found it outside the Synagogue

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My nan recently had a stair lift installed.

She got rid after a week said it drove her up the wall.

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By *irenGuy70Man over a year ago

Cirencester

Doctor (pulling out anal beads)

Me: "Well, this is embarrassing".

Doctor: "Sorry, I should really have done it before you arrived'.

I've decided to become an elephant circumciser. Apparently the pay is terrible, but the tips are huge.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Doctor doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains..

"P*** Off"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The Tory party..."
now that is a joke

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?.

one :as long as it really wants to change

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Owner of our local Italian just died recently. He pasta way.

Sorry!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

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By *r.J-Miss.BCouple over a year ago

Northampton

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress them up as an alter boy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman...;P

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By *irenGuy70Man over a year ago

Cirencester

How many Freudians does it take to change a light boob?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Alan Turin to feature on the new 101010101 notes

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do politicians do after they die?

they lie still

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish

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By *V-AliceTV/TS over a year ago

Ayr

"How many Freudians does it take to change a light boob?"

Laughed out loud at that one! I'll have to nick it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A light year is the same as a normal year -but with less calories

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an alien with three eyes ?

an aliiien

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman...;P"

Jeez ... took me a while to get that one ... very droll

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have a step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wanted to look through Gary Glitters wedding album but it was full of torn pages

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

People are always shocked when they find out I’m a shit electrician.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Everytime you go to church you get something thrown at you .

first time water.

second time confetti.

third time soil

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why is there so many Chinese people in Harrow in London ????

They get off at Heathrow and say “” harrow mr taxi driver “”

( you have to say it I’m Chinese voice for full effect )

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By *ony 2016Man over a year ago

Huddersfield /derby cinemas

Ive just been charged £20 by my local garage just to blow up my tyres , when I queried the amount I was told it was due to " inflation "

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By *ENGUYMan over a year ago

Hull

An American blonde High Schoolgirl needs some extra money, so decides to do odd jobs for her local community.

She went round the local houses and at one, the male owner says the Porch needs painting. The girl agrees, says it will cost $100, so the guy shows her where the paint and brushes are and leaves her to get on with it.

His wife asks, "Didn't you tell her the Porch goes all round the house? You're taking advantage of a blonde girl!"

At the end of the Afternoon, the girl knocks in the front door, and tells the guy, "It's all done; in fact, I'd spare paint left over, so I did a second coat on top".

Guy replies, "I'm kinda busy right now, so will check it later but I'm sure you've done a great job. Here is your $100 Plus a $20 tip!"

The girl thanks him, and turns to go, then stops and says to him, "You were incorrect, it wasn't a Porch, it was a Lexus!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where is cricket first mentioned in the Bible?

in the big inning

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

God said to John" come forth and receive eternal life "

.but John came 5th and won a toaster

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two nuns in a bath one says "Where's the soap?"

The other says "Yes... It does"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The chairman of the Dyslexia association was given an OBE

"What's the point" he said "I can't play the bloody thing!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two aliens talking "So this is the planet Earth and they have satellite based nuclear weapons."

"So they're an intelligent species"?

"Not really, they've got them aimed at themselves" !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

First astronaut" I want to make some coffee but I cannot find the milk"

Second astronaut

"In space no one can, hear ,use cream" !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whilst visiting a relative in hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"

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By *arkstaffsMan over a year ago

Rugeley

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

For being outstanding in his field.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?

Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..

Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".

If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

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