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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
I'd like to see a world without plagiarism.
You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.
Has anyone seen that Elton John film, is it a comedy? My mate said it's a little bit funny...
I’ve had an allergic reaction to Rowan Atkinson.
My doctor has prescribed a course of Antimisterbeans.
I'm here all week |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speaker phone on and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking.
MAN: ”Hello?”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN:”I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: ”How much?”
WOMAN: “$50,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess a snail makes?
What do you call a bird with no legs?
Oomegoolie
Because when it lands it cries out oomegoolies
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies. |
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A lass is out for a few drinks with her mates, having had a good time they decide to continue the night and hit a night club...
In the club she spots this drop dead gorgeous guy who happens to be an acquaintance of one her mates.
Introductions are made and she soon realises she's in the company of one of the most charming, intelligent and humerous men she's ever met, when speaking directly to her she is totally in meltdown and finds herself tingling all over.
. Sensing her attraction her mates discreetly leave her alone with him.. He offers a lift home or would she care for coffee at his.. She opts for the coffee.. Being totally bedazzled with him she knows things are going to get physical though she wasn't normally a girl who gave out on a first night..
Leading her into the bedroom she notices 3 shelves above the bed each filled with cuddly toys.. Little ones on the bottom medium sized ones on the middle and big toys on the top shelf.. She thinks ah he's got a caring soft side as well..
Never in all her life had she been made love to like she was that night.. Passionate, gentle, lustful the full McCoy.. He pleased her every way no man had ever pleased her before... Lying there in the after glow.. She thinks my god where has he been all my life... Witty.. Charming.. Polite. Humerous caring intelligent .. What a lover.. Leaning on side looking into his eyes she informed him that their love making was out of this world the best she'd ever experienced.. How was it was you..? She asked... Not bad he replied.. Help your self to a toy off the middle shelf...... |
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By *att71Man
over a year ago
Bristol |
A family are lost driving round southern Ireland trying to get to Dublin to catch their ferry home.
At last They drive into a little village and the wife says "look their is a shop open stop and ask for directions"
The man pulls over and walks in asking " excuse me but we are lost. Could you tell us the quickest way to Dublin please"
Shopkeeper replies "ah to be sure, now would be walking or driving to Dublin?"
"Driving" the man replies
"Then that'll be the quickest way to Dublin" replies the shopkeeper.
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"A family are lost driving round southern Ireland trying to get to Dublin to catch their ferry home.
At last They drive into a little village and the wife says "look their is a shop open stop and ask for directions"
The man pulls over and walks in asking " excuse me but we are lost. Could you tell us the quickest way to Dublin please"
Shopkeeper replies "ah to be sure, now would be walking or driving to Dublin?"
"Driving" the man replies
"Then that'll be the quickest way to Dublin" replies the shopkeeper.
"
Meh |
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My own fault really shouldn’t have hinted I wanted an ex box . . 