FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > advice please
advice please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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ok so i have a good friend who been a bit weired of late put it down to both being busy with work ect anway , she turned up this morning and told me that shes pregnant by another man who isnt her hubby , and wants me to keep it under wraps . now i love my friend and her hubby to bits and they have helped me through some major crap but i feel really weiered out does it make me a bad person for not saying anything or should i say something . |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"ok so i have a good friend who been a bit weired of late put it down to both being busy with work ect anway , she turned up this morning and told me that shes pregnant by another man who isnt her hubby , and wants me to keep it under wraps . now i love my friend and her hubby to bits and they have helped me through some major crap but i feel really weiered out does it make me a bad person for not saying anything or should i say something . "
Say nothing, do nothing, do NOT get involved in any way. It will only end in tears and the best place to be is a long way away from the fallout. |
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"ok so i have a good friend who been a bit weired of late put it down to both being busy with work ect anway , she turned up this morning and told me that shes pregnant by another man who isnt her hubby , and wants me to keep it under wraps . now i love my friend and her hubby to bits and they have helped me through some major crap but i feel really weiered out does it make me a bad person for not saying anything or should i say something . "
I say DONT get involved.. at some point there is going to be some very upset people.. its then that you can be a friend. |
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"ok so i have a good friend who been a bit weired of late put it down to both being busy with work ect anway , she turned up this morning and told me that shes pregnant by another man who isnt her hubby , and wants me to keep it under wraps . now i love my friend and her hubby to bits and they have helped me through some major crap but i feel really weiered out does it make me a bad person for not saying anything or should i say something . "
wont be long till the husband finds out tbh..
might be worth sitting down with her and asking her what she intends to do?
then supporting her, sounds like she is not thinking straight at the moment.. |
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By *adchickCouple
over a year ago
Cyprus |
Say nothing and remove yourself from the situation.
You may lose your friend, but at least you will keep your sanity.
IMHO she had no right to tell you, as sharing a secret like that only serves to asage her guilt. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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thats what i thought she has been my friend since school and out of all my friends didnt think it could ever be her to come tell me anything like this .
i had no idea that there was anyone else involved or anything i feel awful really crap about it all as they are both my mates , i have told her that i need to keep my distance as its a big thing im just going to use work as an excuse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Say nothing and remove yourself from the situation.
You may lose your friend, but at least you will keep your sanity.
IMHO she had no right to tell you, as sharing a secret like that only serves to asage her guilt."
Yeah, this is my view. Pretty shitty friend to put you in an impossible situation. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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tbh im pissed that she didnt think she could come say anything sooner but that she can come tell me this , i really cant get my head round it , i dont know what she wanted me to do or say to her |
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"tbh im pissed that she didnt think she could come say anything sooner but that she can come tell me this , i really cant get my head round it , i dont know what she wanted me to do or say to her "
probably absolution...you to say its all ok,which it isnt...with others i say there is no value in getting involved... |
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Feel hard for you Nawty, difficult position to be in but agree with the majority here stay OUT of it. Be there to support your friend, it's her decision and her marriage. It would get to complicated in lots of ways, as hard as it will be just stay quiet. Hope it all works out ok for you, your friend and hubby.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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i think i knew what i should do it just seemed hard as they have seen me through some crappy times in my life but i cant deal with it and i do feel bad but know what i have to do xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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especially if the husband knows you are a swinger. the finger of blame could be pointed at you by him and you being accused of leading her astray.
someone here may be looking to blame someone,
keep well out of it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Feel hard for you Nawty, difficult position to be in but agree with the majority here stay OUT of it. Be there to support your friend, it's her decision and her marriage. It would get to complicated in lots of ways, as hard as it will be just stay quiet. Hope it all works out ok for you, your friend and hubby. "
thanks xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Be there for ur friend! She obviously trusts u! Hard though it is when they r both friends! Try not to judge and just offer support and a smile! That's what friends r for when u feel in the shit! Xx good luck babe!
And does being on fab not make u worthy to have friends? Better ask advise here where things are private than on the joyous Facebook!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If she's having an affair and isn't using contraception with her lover then she's been a bit of a dope but she's your friend and she's confided in you. When the shit hits the fan, as it inevitably will, you can only explain to her husband (if he asks) that you knew about the pregnancy and had promised not to say anything, leaving it up to your friend to do the explaining. Make it clear that you knew nothing about the affair (even if you did) and that you still regard them both as friends. It's down to them if they retain your friendship or not. I don't see how you can play it any differently. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I hope I'd never have to rely on anyone from Fab to confide in if I was desperate and needed a friend! "
Which is a shame... Because there are some genuine people on here who could give you dispassionate help if there was noone else you felt you could turn to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ok so i have a good friend who been a bit weired of late put it down to both being busy with work ect anway , she turned up this morning and told me that shes pregnant by another man who isnt her hubby , and wants me to keep it under wraps . now i love my friend and her hubby to bits and they have helped me through some major crap but i feel really weiered out does it make me a bad person for not saying anything or should i say something .
Say nothing, do nothing, do NOT get involved in any way. It will only end in tears and the best place to be is a long way away from the fallout."
THIS!!! Do not get involved...RUN!!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she's having an affair and isn't using contraception with her lover then she's been a bit of a dope but she's your friend and she's confided in you. When the shit hits the fan, as it inevitably will, you can only explain to her husband (if he asks) that you knew about the pregnancy and had promised not to say anything, leaving it up to your friend to do the explaining. Make it clear that you knew nothing about the affair (even if you did) and that you still regard them both as friends. It's down to them if they retain your friendship or not. I don't see how you can play it any differently."
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"I hope I'd never have to rely on anyone from Fab to confide in if I was desperate and needed a friend!
Which is a shame... Because there are some genuine people on here who could give you dispassionate help if there was noone else you felt you could turn to."
My point being that IF I was in a desparate situation I'd hope my friends would be there for me rather than walk away!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I hope I'd never have to rely on anyone from Fab to confide in if I was desperate and needed a friend!
Which is a shame... Because there are some genuine people on here who could give you dispassionate help if there was noone else you felt you could turn to.
My point being that IF I was in a desparate situation I'd hope my friends would be there for me rather than walk away! "
I'm sure she will be there for her friend but the bottom line is that her friend messed up and is solely responsible for her actions and must deal with it. |
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"I hope I'd never have to rely on anyone from Fab to confide in if I was desperate and needed a friend!
Which is a shame... Because there are some genuine people on here who could give you dispassionate help if there was noone else you felt you could turn to.
My point being that IF I was in a desparate situation I'd hope my friends would be there for me rather than walk away! "
not getting involved and walking away are different things |
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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
"Yeah, this is my view. Pretty shitty friend to put you in an impossible situation."
damn fucking right!!!
So just for a teriffic wheeze, the OP should tell their friend that as a true friend to both parties concerned, it would only be fair to the husband that they confide in them too as you couldn't in good conscience consider that person a friend, and them both friends, without being completely open with all of them .......... then pause for effect .......
then give your so-called friend a good fucking kick in the cunt for getting you involved in their fucking mess of a life .....
.... sorry? |
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By *ansue35Couple
over a year ago
yorkshire |
God she your friend from school.
If this happen to me, I stick by friend thou thick and thin.
I have a friend from school days, joined up together and by god i help to end of the earth and back.
Some on here seem to have friends but when the shit hits the fan you run a mile.
That not friendship to me.
Ian |
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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
"God she your friend from school.
If this happen to me, I stick by friend thou thick and thin.
I have a friend from school days, joined up together and by god i help to end of the earth and back.
Some on here seem to have friends but when the shit hits the fan you run a mile.
That not friendship to me.
Ian"
I read the orginal post and it said that they had BOTH helped the original poster through some difficult times - now just one of them is asking her to keep secrets and pick a side - a friend doesnt do that to a friend - THAT is what isn't friendship, who was the "friend" first is irrelevant |
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By *adchickCouple
over a year ago
Cyprus |
"
My point being that IF I was in a desparate situation I'd hope my friends would be there for me rather than walk away! "
And what about the fact that the lady is friends with this woman's husband also.
Her friend is asking her to divide her loyalties, has put her in an impossible postion and MAY and I say MAY want her to be her back up/cover story etc....
Thats not friendship in my book. Friendship to me is going to your friends in desperation but NOT putting their sanity at risk and certainly NOT asking them to betray another friend.
Thats taking the piss.
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"
My point being that IF I was in a desparate situation I'd hope my friends would be there for me rather than walk away!
And what about the fact that the lady is friends with this woman's husband also.
Her friend is asking her to divide her loyalties, has put her in an impossible postion and MAY and I say MAY want her to be her back up/cover story etc....
Thats not friendship in my book. Friendship to me is going to your friends in desperation but NOT putting their sanity at risk and certainly NOT asking them to betray another friend.
Thats taking the piss.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
My point being that IF I was in a desparate situation I'd hope my friends would be there for me rather than walk away!
And what about the fact that the lady is friends with this woman's husband also.
Her friend is asking her to divide her loyalties, has put her in an impossible postion and MAY and I say MAY want her to be her back up/cover story etc....
Thats not friendship in my book. Friendship to me is going to your friends in desperation but NOT putting their sanity at risk and certainly NOT asking them to betray another friend.
Thats taking the piss.
"
well said! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What is she going to do?
Tell her husband but try and keep her marriage?
Tell her husband and split to be with her lover?
Not tell him and abort?
Not tell him and act as if it's his kid?
Could you live with the last option? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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im glad to see someone finally thinks about the husband you know the 1 thats done no wrong
i would say to her you had your cake and licked the plate now you need to sort it im here for both of you
once you divide it will get ugly |
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"im glad to see someone finally thinks about the husband you know the 1 thats done no wrong
i would say to her you had your cake and licked the plate now you need to sort it im here for both of you
once you divide it will get ugly "
though to be honest part of me thinks the friend should keep her mouth shut,if hubby dont know,it cant hurt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"im glad to see someone finally thinks about the husband you know the 1 thats done no wrong
i would say to her you had your cake and licked the plate now you need to sort it im here for both of you
once you divide it will get ugly
though to be honest part of me thinks the friend should keep her mouth shut,if hubby dont know,it cant hurt"
You start a sentence about lying with the words 'to be honest'. Now there's a paradox. |
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By *waymanMan
over a year ago
newcastle |
"im glad to see someone finally thinks about the husband you know the 1 thats done no wrong
i would say to her you had your cake and licked the plate now you need to sort it im here for both of you
once you divide it will get ugly
though to be honest part of me thinks the friend should keep her mouth shut,if hubby dont know,it cant hurt"
It's a messy one for sure.
And there's far too little info to genuinely advise. I'd like the answer to be live and let live, but...
Here's what is making me ponder this. If the pregnant woman is sure it's not her husband's child, surely her husband can do the same calculations.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The question was should you tell the husband?
Quite simply no
The world is full of dead messengers so to speak
Just be there for her/ them if and when it goes tits up xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Here's what is making me ponder this. If the pregnant woman is sure it's not her husband's child, surely her husband can do the same calculations.... "
My wife can pinpoint the exact moment she got pregnant but I have no idea when it was, and she's giving birth in 3 days time!
I'm a typical man I'm afraid, once I've shot my load I forget all about that sexual encounter and start looking forward to the next one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"God she your friend from school.
If this happen to me, I stick by friend thou thick and thin.
I have a friend from school days, joined up together and by god i help to end of the earth and back.
Some on here seem to have friends but when the shit hits the fan you run a mile.
That not friendship to me.
Ian
I read the orginal post and it said that they had BOTH helped the original poster through some difficult times - now just one of them is asking her to keep secrets and pick a side - a friend doesnt do that to a friend - THAT is what isn't friendship, who was the "friend" first is irrelevant"
That was my take on it too. I couldn't look the husband, also a friend, in the face. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
My point being that IF I was in a desparate situation I'd hope my friends would be there for me rather than walk away!
And what about the fact that the lady is friends with this woman's husband also.
Her friend is asking her to divide her loyalties, has put her in an impossible postion and MAY and I say MAY want her to be her back up/cover story etc....
Thats not friendship in my book. Friendship to me is going to your friends in desperation but NOT putting their sanity at risk and certainly NOT asking them to betray another friend.
Thats taking the piss.
"
Indeed! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My daughter is in the same boat, her friends boyfriend has got another girl pregnant and sleeps with other women. She knows he has slept around but not about the baby yet and that's the quandary she is now in; does she tell her friend or keep quiet. Thing is too that her friend won't kick him out and he know's it too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ok so i have a good friend who been a bit weired of late put it down to both being busy with work ect anway , she turned up this morning and told me that shes pregnant by another man who isnt her hubby , and wants me to keep it under wraps . now i love my friend and her hubby to bits and they have helped me through some major crap but i feel really weiered out does it make me a bad person for not saying anything or should i say something . "
maybe she should have thought about the consequences before getting into this situation.
she has a partner and she has his feelings to think about and yet got pregnant
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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All my close girlfriends have partners. I like these guys too, we chat if we bump into each other and we talk a lot when I visit. I would certainly describe them as friends too, but if my friends split from their partners, my loyalty would always be to her. Just as if I split then they would support me and remain my friend. That is the dynamics of my close girlfriends relationship.
No matter what my friends did within the course of their lives (excluding any serious criminal activity) I would stand by them. If I didn't agree with what they were doing, I would tell them, but I would still support them. If they hadn't told anyone but me, then I wouldn't divulge it either.
When my friends partner had an affair and she found out about it I stood by her. I didn't change the way I interacted with him, as I told her I wouldn't get involved in their arguments but she knew I would always remain loyal to her. When the relationship didn't recover and she met someone else and slept with him I supported her. I told her retaliation never worked and it was destructive but I didn't turn my back on her. I didn't turn my back on her when she walked out of her house 2 weeks later and never went back to hubby either. Neither did I turn my back on her when out shopping she saw the woman hubby had an affair with and attacked her in the street. I broke it up and told her to stop lowering herself to fight like an alleycat in the street but I wouldn't have walked away from her. Didn't walk away when we sat in her parents house terrified in case the police came to charge her with assault. Thankfully they didn't.
We can all fuck up, can all go off the rails, I'd support my friends regardless of whether I agreed. I'd never turn my back and tell a man anything about her and side with him. Friendship runs deep, but then my loyalties remain with my friends rather than their fellas and sometimes its not always as simple and clear cut. |
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I would only keep confidences of my wife and kids, no one else. If anyone else tells me anything then I will not keep it a secret. I tell anyone that before they unload. Not my problem. Both my wife and I would be furious with the other if we hid a secret only telling our friends. We tell each other everything regardless of who it comes from. Never understood this silly female friends stuff, just creates distrust with partners in my opinion. Finally, as long as my family are not affected I don't care about anything else that goes on outside.
Harsh but that's my view. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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With out DNA TESTS it could be the man she is married too ......... and not other mans ..... you can not say nothing as she could even be making this up .......... friends even do weird stuff i new a lady wished her child was her lovers not her husband as she was unhappy ...... so stay out could get nasty. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"im glad to see someone finally thinks about the husband you know the 1 thats done no wrong
i would say to her you had your cake and licked the plate now you need to sort it im here for both of you
once you divide it will get ugly "
All I'll say is don't assume he's done no wrong. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. No having an affair isn't the right thing to do. If you have problems in your relationship you should either talk and resolve them or move on. Maybe the husband is innocent but we don't know that cause we're only hearing one small portion.
If she asks for your advice then I think you should advise her to decide what she wants to do (try and save her marriage or move on) and advise her to come clean. Apart from that I think you should stay out of it.
If you find out she intends to keep the child and pass it off as her husbands then I personally think that's where you should tell her husband. I know I wouldn't be happy knowing that. |
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By *omaMan
over a year ago
Glasgow |
hmmmm by being told the news about the pregnancy you are, unfortunatly, already involved.
Tell you fem friend that you wont lie on her behalf (as im sure she wouldnt be too chuffed if her hubby got you to lie for him).
Tell her you cant condone this being kept underwraps from her hubby and she has to come clean with him.
Dont play "piggy in the middle" if you want to keep them both as friends |
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It's gonna get ugly. Just be there when the dust settles. 