So.....I’m an artist and am always looking to express myself with new mediums and canvases.
I’ve just had a brainwave for a fantastic new series in fact.
Basically I need some ladies to bare their breasts for me whereupon I will paint over them with the emulsion from my loins in true Jackson Pollock style. This art I will obviously photograph whereupon afterwards, I will of course bestow some highly pretentious title for each piece (‘Tumultuous Discombobulation Of The Subconscious’ - that sort of shit) and then sell them for an obscenely large sum at a big auction like Christie’s to some equally pretentious arsehole with more money than sense.
So.....um, volunteers?
Chaps - I need you to - reshoots may drain my ‘paint’ reserves dry so I may require you to step in my place during the shoot.
Who’s in? |
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"Some might ask if you will be taking the piss"
It’s all in the pursuit of art sir; Masturbating over and subsequently ejaculating over the ladies breasts is purely a means to an artistic end. I’ll of course derive no pleasure whatsoever from it,. The finished piece is what is important of course.....yes.   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So.....I’m an artist and am always looking to express myself with new mediums and canvases.
I’ve just had a brainwave for a fantastic new series in fact.
Basically I need some ladies to bare their breasts for me whereupon I will paint over them with the emulsion from my loins in true Jackson Pollock style. This art I will obviously photograph whereupon afterwards, I will of course bestow some highly pretentious title for each piece (‘Tumultuous Discombobulation Of The Subconscious’ - that sort of shit) and then sell them for an obscenely large sum at a big auction like Christie’s to some equally pretentious arsehole with more money than sense.
So.....um, volunteers?
Chaps - I need you to - reshoots may drain my ‘paint’ reserves dry so I may require you to step in my place during the shoot.
Who’s in? "
I am I love art |
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"So.....I’m an artist and am always looking to express myself with new mediums and canvases.
I’ve just had a brainwave for a fantastic new series in fact.
Basically I need some ladies to bare their breasts for me whereupon I will paint over them with the emulsion from my loins in true Jackson Pollock style. This art I will obviously photograph whereupon afterwards, I will of course bestow some highly pretentious title for each piece (‘Tumultuous Discombobulation Of The Subconscious’ - that sort of shit) and then sell them for an obscenely large sum at a big auction like Christie’s to some equally pretentious arsehole with more money than sense.
So.....um, volunteers?
Chaps - I need you to - reshoots may drain my ‘paint’ reserves dry so I may require you to step in my place during the shoot.
Who’s in? I am I love art "
That’s the spirit; I can sense the artist in you. We need some ladies now....  |
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"Will it be multicolour "paint", only green doesn't look good on my skin shade?"
I can only manage pearlescent white I’m afraid but I hear there are a few medical conditions which may cause other shades. Maybe some of my other male helpers might be able to produce a nice yellow or something?  |
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"Do I get the money for the art or you??"
Well.....I was kind of hoping that you would be merely content to have been an integral part in this most wondrous and historic artistic event but I’m sure I can slip you a quid or two for your modelling efforts |
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"And when you sell it at auction, can I press the remote button that shreds your scrotum? "
Yes Indeed; I’ve termed it the ‘Banksy Wanksy Button’ (I’m hoping it will likewise fail to work at the appointed hour.....)  |
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"Do I get the money for the art or you??
It would undermine the whole point of the work if you got the money  You philistine! "
These people clearly do not realise the lofty and exalted position they occupy in such works of high art. Surely, this is more than payment enough? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do I get the money for the art or you??
It would undermine the whole point of the work if you got the money You philistine!
But, I’m skint! "
That's precisely the point. It's a work indicative of the oppression of the Greco-Roman immigrants of ancient Britain at the hands of paganist neo viking culture and how that relates to life in a post information age for octogenarian midgets. Can't you see!? Do you know nothing about art?
Pfft
|
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"Do I get the money for the art or you??
It would undermine the whole point of the work if you got the money You philistine!
But, I’m skint!
That's precisely the point. It's a work indicative of the oppression of the Greco-Roman immigrants of ancient Britain at the hands of paganist neo viking culture and how that relates to life in a post information age for octogenarian midgets. Can't you see!? Do you know nothing about art?
Pfft
"
Yes.....yes that’s exactly what it’s about; At last, someone who understands the intrinsic meaning behind and the subsequent importance of this work. Ladies, I beg you - bare unto us thy breasts in the name of art |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Will it be multicolour "paint", only green doesn't look good on my skin shade?
I can only manage pearlescent white I’m afraid but I hear there are a few medical conditions which may cause other shades. Maybe some of my other male helpers might be able to produce a nice yellow or something? "
Can't do yellow either, it makes me look jaundiced.
I can do red or brown. |
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I’ll help top up the cleavage paste as long as the model doesn’t mind lending a hand...I can’t promise there won’t won’t be any Rolf Harris like noises as we reach the final strokes- I may even throw in an impromptu ‘d’yer know what it is yet?’ for poor taste comedy effect  |
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"Will it be multicolour "paint", only green doesn't look good on my skin shade?
I can only manage pearlescent white I’m afraid but I hear there are a few medical conditions which may cause other shades. Maybe some of my other male helpers might be able to produce a nice yellow or something?
Can't do yellow either, it makes me look jaundiced.
I can do red or brown."
Hmmmm.....brown you say? Now that gives me an excreting, er, I mean exiting idea for my follow up piece.....  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Do I get the money for the art or you??
It would undermine the whole point of the work if you got the money You philistine!
But, I’m skint!
That's precisely the point. It's a work indicative of the oppression of the Greco-Roman immigrants of ancient Britain at the hands of paganist neo viking culture and how that relates to life in a post information age for octogenarian midgets. Can't you see!? Do you know nothing about art?
Pfft
"
I know nuffin! |
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"I’ll help top up the cleavage paste as long as the model doesn’t mind lending a hand...I can’t promise there won’t won’t be any Rolf Harris like noises as we reach the final strokes- I may even throw in an impromptu ‘d’yer know what it is yet?’ for poor taste comedy effect "
That’s the spirit; Another artist for this great work. We’re presently experiencing a pay dispute with our only lady model as of yet but I’m sure we’ll reach a resolution soon whereupon we chaps may commence our ‘artistic’ strokes so to speak |
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"I’ll help top up the cleavage paste as long as the model doesn’t mind lending a hand...I can’t promise there won’t won’t be any Rolf Harris like noises as we reach the final strokes- I may even throw in an impromptu ‘d’yer know what it is yet?’ for poor taste comedy effect
That’s the spirit; Another artist for this great work. We’re presently experiencing a pay dispute with our only lady model as of yet but I’m sure we’ll reach a resolution soon whereupon we chaps may commence our ‘artistic’ strokes so to speak "
Tell them they’re working a week in hand
*ba-boom tish...takes a bow*  |
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Update: Alas, finding female volunteers proved far harder than anticipated for this great work  (I can’t imagine why?....)
Anyhoo, luckily, Ethel down the road from me agreed to be my model for this fine piece.
Although I struggled to produce a particularly satisfactory result, I nonetheless have put the resulting artwork into Sutherby’s but don’t expect it to make much sadly to be honest.
Nonetheless, anything’s better than nothing I suppose and it will doubtless prove a double bonus to Ethel who incidentally is also excitedly awaiting to receive her telegram from the Queen next week.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Will it be multicolour "paint", only green doesn't look good on my skin shade?
I can only manage pearlescent white ... "
Great idea OP, but with suitable volunteers you could change the canvases:
Pearls on Nubian black
Pearls on Mediterranean olive
Pearls on Asian ochre
Pearls on Swedish blonde
All in the best possible taste!
Q |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So.....I’m an artist and am always looking to express myself with new mediums and canvases.
I’ve just had a brainwave for a fantastic new series in fact.
Basically I need some ladies to bare their breasts for me whereupon I will paint over them with the emulsion from my loins in true Jackson Pollock style. This art I will obviously photograph whereupon afterwards, I will of course bestow some highly pretentious title for each piece (‘Tumultuous Discombobulation Of The Subconscious’ - that sort of shit) and then sell them for an obscenely large sum at a big auction like Christie’s to some equally pretentious arsehole with more money than sense.
So.....um, volunteers?
Chaps - I need you to - reshoots may drain my ‘paint’ reserves dry so I may require you to step in my place during the shoot.
Who’s in? I am I love art
That’s the spirit; I can sense the artist in you. We need some ladies now.... "
we needed ladies at the outset no doubt |
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