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Submarining
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Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable? |
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Lets break it down...
"Hey there, how are you?" Takes....5 seconds?
"Going to be quiet for a while, lifes getting shit"... 10 seconds.
If someone can go off radar for months without any real explanation then it shows what people are worth.
Yes swinging can be shallow but courtesy and politeness really cost nothing... If someone says they were busy, nah... No one is that busy they cannot find 10 seconds in a day to send a message |
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"Is it the ghosting first or the limp apology/explanation return that you find worse?
(I’m not endorsing either by the way)"
Good question. Both incredibly annoying but in this instance, think I prefer if he'd stayed dead instead of resurrection |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Lets break it down...
"Hey there, how are you?" Takes....5 seconds?
"Going to be quiet for a while, lifes getting shit"... 10 seconds.
If someone can go off radar for months without any real explanation then it shows what people are worth.
Yes swinging can be shallow but courtesy and politeness really cost nothing... If someone says they were busy, nah... No one is that busy they cannot find 10 seconds in a day to send a message "
My carrier Pidgeon died and I had to train a new one.  |
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This has happened to me a few times. People come and go from the site. To be honest it's never really bothered me in the past. Life can be complicated and people usually have their reasons, good or bad. Sometimes the reunions can make up for it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Most of the time I wouldn't accept it, but I know a few people whose schedules mean they might not be around for large spells. I'd make exceptions there. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it the ghosting first or the limp apology/explanation return that you find worse?
(I’m not endorsing either by the way)
Good question. Both incredibly annoying but in this instance, think I prefer if he'd stayed dead instead of resurrection"
So that sounds like there was no way he could have restablished contact and provided an explanation that would ever have been accepted. That’s more what I meant, was it the lameness of the return not the return itself that irked, but it reads more that the initial ghosting was actually the issue.
I may be wrong. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have just done a status about this very thing. Suddenly messaged me out of the blue after months of no contact. Surprise surprise......he's staying in a hotel in my area.
My thoughts....dream on mate, I'm worth so much more than the likes of you. |
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"I have just done a status about this very thing. Suddenly messaged me out of the blue after months of no contact. Surprise surprise......he's staying in a hotel in my area.
My thoughts....dream on mate, I'm worth so much more than the likes of you."
Did you reply to him? |
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It depends on the 'relationship' - it's the violation of expectation that's the problem usually, otherwise it's just a bit irritating if they assume they can pick up where they left off and you can't remember who the hell they were lol!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have just done a status about this very thing. Suddenly messaged me out of the blue after months of no contact. Surprise surprise......he's staying in a hotel in my area.
My thoughts....dream on mate, I'm worth so much more than the likes of you."
Yeah sorry about that |
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"Is it the ghosting first or the limp apology/explanation return that you find worse?
(I’m not endorsing either by the way)
Good question. Both incredibly annoying but in this instance, think I prefer if he'd stayed dead instead of resurrection
So that sounds like there was no way he could have restablished contact and provided an explanation that would ever have been accepted. That’s more what I meant, was it the lameness of the return not the return itself that irked, but it reads more that the initial ghosting was actually the issue.
I may be wrong."
Initial ghosting was very annoying. All was fine as far as I knew and just vanished. But I got over it, moved on. Just to pop up again is pointless as I don't do second chances. Been burnt too many times |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it the ghosting first or the limp apology/explanation return that you find worse?
(I’m not endorsing either by the way)
Good question. Both incredibly annoying but in this instance, think I prefer if he'd stayed dead instead of resurrection
So that sounds like there was no way he could have restablished contact and provided an explanation that would ever have been accepted. That’s more what I meant, was it the lameness of the return not the return itself that irked, but it reads more that the initial ghosting was actually the issue.
I may be wrong.
Initial ghosting was very annoying. All was fine as far as I knew and just vanished. But I got over it, moved on. Just to pop up again is pointless as I don't do second chances. Been burnt too many times "
That’s fair enough. Again, solely playing devil’s advocate (and not negating the confusion/upset/horrible ugh of ghosting) perhaps they were unaware you don’t give second chances, or simply wanted to express apologies (however limp) for their behaviour before. Or complete nobhead behaviour assuming that time has made it all okay to continue, which is not cool. You’re right to ignore if that works best for you. I’d be inclined to acknowledge the apology but confirm things have moved on and you’re not inclined to continue contact and wish them well, but that’s only my opinion and obviously I am well aware I don’t have knowledge of the interactions. I tend to think people are only ever doing the best they can in a situation. That doesn’t mean people don’t hurt each other, obviously. Look after you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable?"
Of course it's excepted. Their not your partner. What isn't excepted is if they've been online or meeting and ignored you. It's right you didn't ask who is it,as that sends a single that you like to play games  . Also is the apology legit in your eyes. If so then no problem. If you don't believe it then just move on.
Would be interesting to know what type of connection you had with said male,seeing as you started a thread about him?. What did you see him as? Lexi |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't say hate, but I don't welcome it.
My interest wanes the less contact I have so my replies will be of indifference.
They usually get the message when I don't sound too enthusiastic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have just done a status about this very thing. Suddenly messaged me out of the blue after months of no contact. Surprise surprise......he's staying in a hotel in my area.
My thoughts....dream on mate, I'm worth so much more than the likes of you."
I have had that happen to me too...
On the positive side i was able to block them  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have had to ask many times "Who is this?".
If they cop the hump that's not my concern as I left the ball in their court and I don't like to keep numbers in my phone of people who I don't converse with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have just done a status about this very thing. Suddenly messaged me out of the blue after months of no contact. Surprise surprise......he's staying in a hotel in my area.
My thoughts....dream on mate, I'm worth so much more than the likes of you.
Did you reply to him?"
I did. I was polite but got my point across to him. |
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"I have just done a status about this very thing. Suddenly messaged me out of the blue after months of no contact. Surprise surprise......he's staying in a hotel in my area.
My thoughts....dream on mate, I'm worth so much more than the likes of you.
Did you reply to him?
I did. I was polite but got my point across to him."
Good. If it was just the status I reckon it would of been an opportunity lost and perhaps you would of been frustrated on not giving him a piece of your mind.
As before he messaged you, you have nothing to regret and that's always a nice feeling. |
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I didn't know there was an actual name for it!
Was only talking about a couple of days ago, with friends.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've had this happening.
7 times to be exact.
Couple of people I actually met several times, the others just ones I'd chatted with, but had been arranging a social.
For whatever reason, they either left the site, or just havn't been online.
All have sent messages, wanting to reconnect.
I've declined.
I found the assumption of the 2 I'd met - both over a year ago - that I'd automatically come running at a click of their fingers amusing.
It wasn't so much they asked, it was the way they asked.
Apparantly my refusal, means I now think I'm too good & up my own arse according to one!
The other just blocked me.
I didn't even reply to the ones I'd not met, one sent me several messages over a 4hr period. I was at work & only saw them later. I blocked him.
What I did find really amusing. One is using the same pics he had on his old profile, that's the only reason I knew who it was, but he is now 7yrs younger than he was a year ago! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sorry for my ignorance but what is submarining? 
Umm 1st line of the OP goes some way of explaining it better than I could."
FFS, sorry ... Double ignorance now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I didn't know there was an actual name for it!
Was only talking about a couple of days ago, with friends.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've had this happening.
7 times to be exact.
Couple of people I actually met several times, the others just ones I'd chatted with, but had been arranging a social.
For whatever reason, they either left the site, or just havn't been online.
All have sent messages, wanting to reconnect.
I've declined.
I found the assumption of the 2 I'd met - both over a year ago - that I'd automatically come running at a click of their fingers amusing.
It wasn't so much they asked, it was the way they asked.
Apparantly my refusal, means I now think I'm too good & up my own arse according to one!
The other just blocked me.
I didn't even reply to the ones I'd not met, one sent me several messages over a 4hr period. I was at work & only saw them later. I blocked him.
What I did find really amusing. One is using the same pics he had on his old profile, that's the only reason I knew who it was, but he is now 7yrs younger than he was a year ago! "
They must think that we are desperate and siting waiting for their messages and will go running when they ask. Ermmm.....nope, it doesn't quite work like that guys. All we ask for is some respect and honesty, but it seems it's too much to ask these days.
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"Sorry for my ignorance but what is submarining?
Umm 1st line of the OP goes some way of explaining it better than I could.
FFS, sorry ... Double ignorance now "
Haha. It was a brand new thing to me earlier this afternoon and I've learned something new but my way with words isn't as good when it comes to the crunch. |
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"Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable?
Of course it's excepted. Their not your partner. What isn't excepted is if they've been online or meeting and ignored you. It's right you didn't ask who is it,as that sends a single that you like to play games . Also is the apology legit in your eyes. If so then no problem. If you don't believe it then just move on.
Would be interesting to know what type of connection you had with said male,seeing as you started a thread about him?. What did you see him as? Lexi"
Numerous times things have drifted with folks on here and never bothered me but kinda liked this one.
Bit more backstory....saw a few times, got on like a house on fire, all well, arranged another meet. Asked to confirm on the day, read my (WhatsApp) and blocked me. Radio silence until today.
Thread isn't about him per se. It's happened before and pretty sure it'll happen again
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"Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable?
Of course it's excepted. Their not your partner. What isn't excepted is if they've been online or meeting and ignored you. It's right you didn't ask who is it,as that sends a single that you like to play games . Also is the apology legit in your eyes. If so then no problem. If you don't believe it then just move on.
Would be interesting to know what type of connection you had with said male,seeing as you started a thread about him?. What did you see him as? Lexi
Numerous times things have drifted with folks on here and never bothered me but kinda liked this one.
Bit more backstory....saw a few times, got on like a house on fire, all well, arranged another meet. Asked to confirm on the day, read my (WhatsApp) and blocked me. Radio silence until today.
Thread isn't about him per se. It's happened before and pretty sure it'll happen again
"
Totally out of order - he deserves to get told to fuck off IMO!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable?
Of course it's excepted. Their not your partner. What isn't excepted is if they've been online or meeting and ignored you. It's right you didn't ask who is it,as that sends a single that you like to play games . Also is the apology legit in your eyes. If so then no problem. If you don't believe it then just move on.
Would be interesting to know what type of connection you had with said male,seeing as you started a thread about him?. What did you see him as? Lexi
Numerous times things have drifted with folks on here and never bothered me but kinda liked this one.
Bit more backstory....saw a few times, got on like a house on fire, all well, arranged another meet. Asked to confirm on the day, read my (WhatsApp) and blocked me. Radio silence until today.
Thread isn't about him per se. It's happened before and pretty sure it'll happen again
"
He sounds like one to ignore, and good riddance. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
I think there are *some* circumstances where it would be acceptable, but they would usually involve a level of explanation *before* the disappearing act or at least the occasional "up periscope" in the period between diving and resurfacing.
If someone just disappeared without so much as a bye or leave, then they'd need to be pretty damned convincing and have low expectations of any immediate rekindling of things when they did male contact. |
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By *ot-AshMan
over a year ago
London |
I hadn't heard the term submarining before either.
Its a bit like with friends who vanish when they find a new partner but then suddenly reappear a few months later when they are single again wanting to be mates once more like nothing happened! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It happens. Sometimes people forget that real life emotions are also at play when you’re on a site like this.
People just naturally drift sometimes and there’s not much you can do. I guess it all depends on how you both left it. Whether on a bad note or a good one.
It all depends on how you feel about the individual. I’ve had people message me after a long time and we’ve reacquainted because we did have some good times together. And some others where I’ve had to say, sorry I’ve moved on because that connection isn’t there anymore.
Don’t know if that all makes sense.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable?"
Yes it’s absolutely fine... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think there are *some* circumstances where it would be acceptable, but they would usually involve a level of explanation *before* the disappearing act or at least the occasional "up periscope" in the period between diving and resurfacing.
If someone just disappeared without so much as a bye or leave, then they'd need to be pretty damned convincing and have low expectations of any immediate rekindling of things when they did male contact."
I have a couple of men friends I accept it off, because I know their circumstances and neither are from here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable?"
Absolutely hate it!
I met a guy on here who disappears for months then reappears, asking for a meet as if no time has passed at all. Despise when friends and family do it. |
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It depends upon the relationship that you have but also potentially what someone may have been going through and how emotionally intelligent they may be. Close family member or friends illnesses or deaths may be hard for some people to share much, of anything, about - especially if grieving. And also if your relationship has the depth from them where they are open with you, with trust invested.
It's hard to talk generically - there are people that I would not be comfortable with if they did this - but it also reflects on the type of relationships I've formed with them to start with, including agreements etc. I have friends who I see sporadically and it's fine too.
But the moment that there's something going on between us that's unspoken - it's wrong for to accept this from them. I move on it and possibly break the link.
It's fine for people to orbit into outer space but not assume that you will refuel and undertake ship redesign to travel again on their whim |
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I've had this with a couple of people. I often tend to get to know my meets as friends to an extent so while I accept that life happens, when it keeps on happening with the same person it gets a bit irritating.
Had one guy who has disappeared twice after we met for a drink a couple of months back. He popped back up again today asking if we could meet a couple he's chatting to. Er, no! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This must be a male thing, cause women don’t do it in my experience.
Women do it all the time! I just assume they need space, so leave them to it."
Maybe, I just don’t notice when they’re gone then. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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sometimes life gets in the way.
Why waste time on months and months of chat if you only get the chance to meet once every few months?
On a past profile I spent 3 years chatting with a woman who talked a good eet, but could never find the time.
Another was all up for meeting until I was in England and lo and behold was snowed in. I was 5 miles away and the roads were clear. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"sometimes life gets in the way.
Why waste time on months and months of chat if you only get the chance to meet once every few months?
On a past profile I spent 3 years chatting with a woman who talked a good eet, but could never find the time.
Another was all up for meeting until I was in England and lo and behold was snowed in. I was 5 miles away and the roads were clear."
That reason is very feasible. I can get blocked in by snow where I live, but 1 mile away the road is open. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"sometimes life gets in the way.
Why waste time on months and months of chat if you only get the chance to meet once every few months?
On a past profile I spent 3 years chatting with a woman who talked a good eet, but could never find the time.
Another was all up for meeting until I was in England and lo and behold was snowed in. I was 5 miles away and the roads were clear.
That reason is very feasible. I can get blocked in by snow where I live, but 1 mile away the road is open."
Not in the south of England when the snow is 24 hours away.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Isn't this just another version of the "somebody stopped chatting to me for no reason" thread?
Forget it, don't bother replying to their messages and just move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't this just another version of the "somebody stopped chatting to me for no reason" thread?
Forget it, don't bother replying to their messages and just move on."
Where’ve you been? You disappeared and now you pop up here all chitter chatter. Pfffft. |
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I meet a guy a number of times and then fizzled out. He's popped up twice since, saying his account has been hacked and he's had to create a new one and can I please verify him! I haven't seen or heard from him for two years and all he wants is a veri! I chose to ignore.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't this just another version of the "somebody stopped chatting to me for no reason" thread?
Forget it, don't bother replying to their messages and just move on.
Where’ve you been? You disappeared and now you pop up here all chitter chatter. Pfffft."
If you wasn't concerned enough to pm me then I'm not going to tell you where I've been.
(in other words, nowhere interesting) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I understand why somebody who meets you, then ghosts you, then reappears months later is a bit shitty but isn't the messaging version of that here on Fab just the same as mingling at a party?
Just because the person chatted to you and then wandered off doesn't mean they're not into you. Maybe you gave off signs you weren't so into them? And just because they eventually start talking to you again after having made their way through a room of people doesn't mean you're a second rate option for them. Maybe they've been trying to find an excuse to talk to you again all that time? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't this just another version of the "somebody stopped chatting to me for no reason" thread?
Forget it, don't bother replying to their messages and just move on.
Where’ve you been? You disappeared and now you pop up here all chitter chatter. Pfffft.
If you wasn't concerned enough to pm me then I'm not going to tell you where I've been.
(in other words, nowhere interesting)"
 |
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When somebody, you've not seen in over a year, but appears in your local updates, posts a status saying 'horny & bored'
Then an hour later sends you a two word message.
Yep... That's tonight's Submariner! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I understand why somebody who meets you, then ghosts you, then reappears months later is a bit shitty but isn't the messaging version of that here on Fab just the same as mingling at a party?
Just because the person chatted to you and then wandered off doesn't mean they're not into you. Maybe you gave off signs you weren't so into them? And just because they eventually start talking to you again after having made their way through a room of people doesn't mean you're a second rate option for them. Maybe they've been trying to find an excuse to talk to you again all that time? "
I’d agree, and my interpreting of the term ghosting and submarining is that involves having met, or at the absolute least an extended (month++) period of daily talking online/on phone/skype etc off site where there’s a mutual understanding that ghosting would be bizarre and upsetting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When somebody, you've not seen in over a year, but appears in your local updates, posts a status saying 'horny & bored'
Then an hour later sends you a two word message.
Yep... That's tonight's Submariner! "
 You can't buy friends like that
...well err you probably could |
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"This has happened to me a few times. People come and go from the site. To be honest it's never really bothered me in the past. Life can be complicated and people usually have their reasons, good or bad. Sometimes the reunions can make up for it! "
Agree with this. |
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Yup... Its a bugbear of mine. People I'd chatted with at length, and possibly even met who suddenly just ghosted and then decided to get in touch up to a year later announcing they're free tomorrow.
Not
A
Hope
In
Hell |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of you have missed the point... chatting and disappearing is slightly different to someone you've gotten to know in person then vanishes on the day of a meet only to rock up months later  "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't you just hate it? Before you ask, it's someone who you've been chatting to/meeting then disappears only to resurface months later as if no time has passed.
I was seeing a chap who ghosted me who has just resurfaced after two months with a limp text apology. Temped to ask 'who is this?' but a friend advised to just ignore.
Casual, NSA, FWB, something more substantial, whatever you're on Fab for, is submarining acceptable?"
Odd for them to just disappear and resurface - but there could be a good explanation. I move around the country spending 3-6 months in one place - but I explain why I won’t be in contact/looking to meet for a while. And still stay in touch with friends, obviously! |
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