FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Not what I'm looking for?
Not what I'm looking for?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts? |
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"You made your point with your first message. That should have been enough "
Agreed. I use the ‘not what I’m looking for’ phrase and it can go either way. The ones that respond with a question get ignored. I’ve done all I need to do. I wouldn’t have declined if I wanted to chat. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To be fair, you deciding on whether you wanted to tell her the reasoning behind her not being your type, is completely your business. You shouldn't have been made to feel like you owed her an explanation. If she took it as unkind, that is her issue, not yours. I would just think no more on it OP  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"To be fair, you deciding on whether you wanted to tell her the reasoning behind her not being your type, is completely your business. You shouldn't have been made to feel like you owed her an explanation. If she took it as unkind, that is her issue, not yours. I would just think no more on it OP "
That's a fair point |
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts? "
No means no, you aren't obliged to explain yourself. You did the right thing, the less said the better. |
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I have had it in my replies to men as well, and I have had it when sending my face pic to men.
It’s always a little ego dent but forcing it isn’t going to work, I wouldn’t dream of pushing it!
Essentially, you made a good call in your decision!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Finding out why you're not right for someone never ends well. Odd to ask. "
That's what I was thinking, she would have only been offended if I'd told her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Finding out why you're not right for someone never ends well. Odd to ask.
That's what I was thinking, she would have only been offended if I'd told her."
You did the right thing  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I understand that, but to me explaining why someone isn't my type isn't very nice "
I get guys asking me why I turn them down. Some block me because I said no thank you or not interested.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts? "
you where very polite OP, so don't worry about it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You weren’t wrong to be nice.
I would’ve left the conversation when she asked what you were looking for though, although I have answered like Sybarite and said someone I’m attracted to.
If you aren’t interested in someone you don’t necessarily need to give a reason why or tell them what it is you’re interested in. |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
You did nothing at all wrong in my opinion.
I just say "thank you for your message but no thank you".
So it doesn't even give them anything to come back with, saying that they often find something anyway. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have had it in my replies to men as well, and I have had it when sending my face pic to men.
It’s always a little ego dent but forcing it isn’t going to work, I wouldn’t dream of pushing it!
Essentially, you made a good call in your decision! "
It just baffles me as I would never behave that way |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I understand that, but to me explaining why someone isn't my type isn't very nice
I get guys asking me why I turn them down. Some block me because I said no thank you or not interested. "
Seems to be a pattern forming |
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"I have had it in my replies to men as well, and I have had it when sending my face pic to men.
It’s always a little ego dent but forcing it isn’t going to work, I wouldn’t dream of pushing it!
Essentially, you made a good call in your decision! "
I was on another site and had this happen. He suggested Fab. I wish I could thank him! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Finding out why you're not right for someone never ends well. Odd to ask.
That's what I was thinking, she would have only been offended if I'd told her.
You did the right thing "
Thanks it just makes you doubt yourself when you get an odd reaction |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve had it on a few occasions on here over the years, ladies refusing to accept the polite ‘’not what I am looking for’ brush off. Some seem to think it’s a negotiation and once my flawed logic is challenged I’ll change my mind.
No amount of email negotiation is going to alter the fact I’m not looking to sleep with a Pat Butcher lookalike with dinner lady arms. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have had it in my replies to men as well, and I have had it when sending my face pic to men.
It’s always a little ego dent but forcing it isn’t going to work, I wouldn’t dream of pushing it!
Essentially, you made a good call in your decision!
I was on another site and had this happen. He suggested Fab. I wish I could thank him! "
We thank him too  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You did nothing at all wrong in my opinion.
I just say "thank you for your message but no thank you".
So it doesn't even give them anything to come back with, saying that they often find something anyway."
I think that may be the way forward |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You've replied very politely, in a very similar to how I do myself actually.
For some people though, they can't accept it and ask for more.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for your decision.
If people start to question too much I will end up saying the truth, which usually results in some abuse. You can't win, don't worry about it and move on. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You made your point with your first message. That should have been enough
Agreed. I use the ‘not what I’m looking for’ phrase and it can go either way. The ones that respond with a question get ignored. I’ve done all I need to do. I wouldn’t have declined if I wanted to chat. "
I'm too nice and it's my downfall sometimes |
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"I have had it in my replies to men as well, and I have had it when sending my face pic to men.
It’s always a little ego dent but forcing it isn’t going to work, I wouldn’t dream of pushing it!
Essentially, you made a good call in your decision!
I was on another site and had this happen. He suggested Fab. I wish I could thank him!
We thank him too "
Why, thank you! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have had it in my replies to men as well, and I have had it when sending my face pic to men.
It’s always a little ego dent but forcing it isn’t going to work, I wouldn’t dream of pushing it!
Essentially, you made a good call in your decision!
I was on another site and had this happen. He suggested Fab. I wish I could thank him!
We thank him too
Why, thank you! "
You're very welcome |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You'd already said no thank you in a polite way, you did nothing wrong.
I don't reply when they ask why. If they keep mailing I sometimes say "I already said no thank you - I definitely won't ever meet anyone that won't take 'no' for an answer".
I think it's a ridiculous question: "Why don't you want to fuck me?"  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You'd already said no thank you in a polite way, you did nothing wrong.
I don't reply when they ask why. If they keep mailing I sometimes say "I already said no thank you - I definitely won't ever meet anyone that won't take 'no' for an answer".
I think it's a ridiculous question: "Why don't you want to fuck me?" "
It's true., as the answer is irrelevant, you don't need to know why it's raining...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve had this happen to me on dating sites. It’s never going to end well. Clearly if someone says no thanks it means they don’t find something about you attractive simple as that.
Sometimes if it’s a easy reason I will give it more often than not it’s worth the bother.
But nice of you to be polite. x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve had this happen to me on dating sites. It’s never going to end well. Clearly if someone says no thanks it means they don’t find something about you attractive simple as that.
Sometimes if it’s a easy reason I will give it more often than not it’s worth the bother.
But nice of you to be polite. x"
But being nice can backfire so you just can't win  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve had this happen to me on dating sites. It’s never going to end well. Clearly if someone says no thanks it means they don’t find something about you attractive simple as that.
Sometimes if it’s a easy reason I will give it more often than not it’s worth the bother.
But nice of you to be polite. x
But being nice can backfire so you just can't win "
So much!!! But I’d still be nice despite that. x |
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I see this two ways:
1. She genuinely wanted to know, so that perhaps she could improve herself/profile.
2. She was going to feel hurt.
If I get these kind of replies after a "You're not my type" I tell them straight.
That way they either get their answer or feel hurt.
But THEY asked and their emotional state is theirs alone.
Not just in this type of scenario I detest it when a man lies to me because HE thinks I can't handle it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I see this two ways:
1. She genuinely wanted to know, so that perhaps she could improve herself/profile.
2. She was going to feel hurt.
If I get these kind of replies after a "You're not my type" I tell them straight.
That way they either get their answer or feel hurt.
But THEY asked and their emotional state is theirs alone.
Not just in this type of scenario I detest it when a man lies to me because HE thinks I can't handle it "
Another very good point |
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Some people can’t take rejection if you sakdwby you did not fancy her she would have not been happy with that I don’t understand it I would not push someone some strange people on here that’s for sure and you can’t win. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts? "
You should have blocked after her not taking a no thanks when people pester it never goes well and if you are not interested that's what the block button is for. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts?
You should have blocked after her not taking a no thanks when people pester it never goes well and if you are not interested that's what the block button is for. "
That might be the way to go |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From what I have heard, this happens a lot with women fabbers
Not just women men ask too
Don't doubt it "
And they keep on messaging periodically for months when it’s bloody obvious you’re not interested. My block list is massive now  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"From what I have heard, this happens a lot with women fabbers
Not just women men ask too
Don't doubt it
And they keep on messaging periodically for months when it’s bloody obvious you’re not interested. My block list is massive now "
Thank goodness for the block button |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Even when you politely say no, some people still question it. As people can see if their message was read, deleted etc. I have had someone even ask why I deleted their message. |
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts? "
Just goes to prove even us Ladies should read the profile first maybe? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts?
Just goes to prove even us Ladies should read the profile first maybe? "
There is that lol |
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You were polite and remained so. Some people men/women can't handle rejection and feel the need to be given a reason. I would just have replied with a "Thank you anyway" and left it at that. You aren't always going to be someone's cup of tea x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You were polite and remained so. Some people men/women can't handle rejection and feel the need to be given a reason. I would just have replied with a "Thank you anyway" and left it at that. You aren't always going to be someone's cup of tea x"
As you say lots take rejection badly |
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"You were polite and remained so. Some people men/women can't handle rejection and feel the need to be given a reason. I would just have replied with a "Thank you anyway" and left it at that. You aren't always going to be someone's cup of tea x
As you say lots take rejection badly "
Hence why my block button is used regularly. Don't let her reaction bother you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You were polite and remained so. Some people men/women can't handle rejection and feel the need to be given a reason. I would just have replied with a "Thank you anyway" and left it at that. You aren't always going to be someone's cup of tea x
As you say lots take rejection badly
Hence why my block button is used regularly. Don't let her reaction bother you "
Thank you, I won't |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just as many others on this thread have said; you did everything that you possibly could, even to the point of bending over to be kind when you didn’t necessarily need to.
A kind ‘no’ is still no and you should never need to owe someone an explanation as to why you don’t find them attractive. Certainly you don’t owe a stranger an answer as to why they don’t meet what you’re looking for. |
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts?
Just goes to prove even us Ladies should read the profile first maybe?
There is that lol "
Well you do see a lot of threads where we moan that the guys should read ours so why should it be different the other way around? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I learnt to ignore messages from girls that I wasn’t interest in, being polite and replying lets them think you’re interested. I still want to do it even now because I just want to be polite but I can’t be arsed with the grief that can sometimes come from it. |
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By *mmabluTV/TS
over a year ago
upton wirral |
"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts? "
She is the one with the problem not you
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Quite a common reply after the polite "no thanks". To get out of it, either block them straight after your reply, or I usually tell them that I'm not sure, don't have a specific type I'd go for, I just know when I come across the right person x |
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"Quite a common reply after the polite "no thanks". To get out of it, either block them straight after your reply, or I usually tell them that I'm not sure, don't have a specific type I'd go for, I just know when I come across the right person x"
And then block them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh how mortifying ! I will admit on occasion to reading someones profile, thinking I'm exactly what they're looking for but when I message them and hear nothing back or get a no thanks, I'd never dare ask why not. Even if I was curious.
You definately did the right thing in not explaining yourself. It wouldn't end well. |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
I know I am not everyone’s type. I had it at the weekend, got on well laughing and joking. They were looking for single guys. I asked would they be interested in playing later on. They didn’t answer nor come back
Sometimes it just the way it is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just had a odd experience with a lady that messaged me. I politely replied that she wasn't what I was looking for and wished her well on her search. She then asked what I was looking for and I said I'd rather not to say as I didn't want to upset anyone to which she replied that she was happy with herself and that she just wanted know. I again said I didn't want to be unkind and that's me and to leave it at that to which she said that not saying I her opinion was inkind and she blocked me! Was I wrong trying to be nice? And thoughts? "
Was she big |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You were polite and nobody can ask for more x I usually just say No thanks, or No sorry cos prefer to reply than just delete and the amount of men that come straight back with Why not? Is unreal.. no justification needed, its a no.. or another favourite male come back is Well I was doing you a favour anyway you’re fat... which depending on my mood either just gets blocked or a Yeah, and even the fat bird doesn’t want you.. some great people on here lol xx |
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By *ANDA2Couple
over a year ago
Henley Arden |
OP
You did the right thing the right way. Hats off to you.
The three golden rules in swinging are
1 No means no
2 if declined, never ask why
3 no one has to justify there decision or choice.
I think there maybe a forth about ‘cake’ but it’s variable.
K2 |
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