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I have a problem.....
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So, after being abducted by aliens over the weekend I am finding myself in a rather sensitive predicament.....
.....They forgot to remove the anal probe from my arse before returning me.
What should I do? Has anyone else here suffered similarly from alien absentmindedness?
If so, could you please advise me if it is safe to pass the probe out via a natural bowel movement or else will it cause some catastrophic chain reaction resulting in me being vaporised or else spontaneously imploding/exploding or some such similar calamity?
Please help! Any advice is greatly appreciated  |
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"Leave it in and wiggle it about x"
I’ve followed your advice (and it provided a curiously gratifying sensation indeed......yes) but am now admittedly somewhat concerned as there is what sounds very much like a countdown timer type beeping sound emitting from my bum hole.....
Should I panic now? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Straight down to A&E. You never know you may get on to a reality show of embarrassing insertions.
Failing that stand by the TV and see if you get satellite tv for free |
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"Leave it in and wiggle it about x
I’ve followed your advice (and it provided a curiously gratifying sensation indeed......yes) but am now admittedly somewhat concerned as there is what sounds very much like a countdown timer type beeping sound emitting from my bum hole.....
Should I panic now?"
Do you have a tin bath and a shed close by ? |
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"Leave it in and wiggle it about x
I’ve followed your advice (and it provided a curiously gratifying sensation indeed......yes) but am now admittedly somewhat concerned as there is what sounds very much like a countdown timer type beeping sound emitting from my bum hole.....
Should I panic now?"
All that I can visualise and hear now is the last few seconds of the countdown clock noise x |
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"Im happy to put my fist up there and pull it out
Um.....might I enquire how small your hands are? (I just need to gauge how much lube to bring along)  your lucky i have small hands"
Oh....well.....go on then. I used to love All Creatures Great And Small on TV. It surely can’t be any worse than what I perceived on said show every week......  |
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"Im happy to put my fist up there and pull it out
Um.....might I enquire how small your hands are? (I just need to gauge how much lube to bring along) your lucky i have small hands"
damn we were hoping to be invited to see the pain on his face!!!!!!!!!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Leave it in and wiggle it about x
I’ve followed your advice (and it provided a curiously gratifying sensation indeed......yes) but am now admittedly somewhat concerned as there is what sounds very much like a countdown timer type beeping sound emitting from my bum hole.....
Should I panic now?
All that I can visualise and hear now is the last few seconds of the countdown clock noise x"
Insertion.
Well it is a 9 letter word.
Congratulations |
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"Straight down to A&E. You never know you may get on to a reality show of embarrassing insertions.
Failing that stand by the TV and see if you get satellite tv for free "
That’s some great advice; I’ve just picked up The Great Russian Bake Off hosted by Olga Koslenko here. Hold on....is that a cake they’re baking? Novichok? Eh? ..... |
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"Leave it in and wiggle it about x
I’ve followed your advice (and it provided a curiously gratifying sensation indeed......yes) but am now admittedly somewhat concerned as there is what sounds very much like a countdown timer type beeping sound emitting from my bum hole.....
Should I panic now?
Do you have a tin bath and a shed close by ? "
I’ve just dug an impromptu Anderson Shelter which should minimise any explosive damage.
Um.....as for my own well being though.....  |
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"Leave it in and wiggle it about x
I’ve followed your advice (and it provided a curiously gratifying sensation indeed......yes) but am now admittedly somewhat concerned as there is what sounds very much like a countdown timer type beeping sound emitting from my bum hole.....
Should I panic now?
All that I can visualise and hear now is the last few seconds of the countdown clock noise x"
I wonder if my final seconds on this earth will be listening to that famous theme; ‘Dunna, dunna, dunna-Na phewwwww’ |
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"Im happy to put my fist up there and pull it out
Um.....might I enquire how small your hands are? (I just need to gauge how much lube to bring along) your lucky i have small hands
damn we were hoping to be invited to see the pain on his face!!!!!!!!!!! "
If m’ladies hand gets stuck, we may require your urgent services to pull her out of me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Im happy to put my fist up there and pull it out
Um.....might I enquire how small your hands are? (I just need to gauge how much lube to bring along) your lucky i have small hands
damn we were hoping to be invited to see the pain on his face!!!!!!!!!!! "
Me too.... Video it |
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"Leave it in and wiggle it about x
I’ve followed your advice (and it provided a curiously gratifying sensation indeed......yes) but am now admittedly somewhat concerned as there is what sounds very much like a countdown timer type beeping sound emitting from my bum hole.....
Should I panic now?
All that I can visualise and hear now is the last few seconds of the countdown clock noise x
Insertion.
Well it is a 9 letter word.
Congratulations "
I’ll blow up but will at least go out smiling in the knowledge of my resulting Countdown score |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Straight down to A&E. You never know you may get on to a reality show of embarrassing insertions.
Failing that stand by the TV and see if you get satellite tv for free
That’s some great advice; I’ve just picked up The Great Russian Bake Off hosted by Olga Koslenko here. Hold on....is that a cake they’re baking? Novichok? Eh? ....."
You are a hoot...
Not laughed in ages.
Ty for making me smile. If anything |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I shouldn't be too concerned. I doubt even alien science has conceived of anything that can match the result of 6 pints of lager (and a packet crisps) and the compulsory large Vindaloo that occurs at about 4AM on a Sunday morning .... |
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"Straight down to A&E. You never know you may get on to a reality show of embarrassing insertions.
Failing that stand by the TV and see if you get satellite tv for free
That’s some great advice; I’ve just picked up The Great Russian Bake Off hosted by Olga Koslenko here. Hold on....is that a cake they’re baking? Novichok? Eh? .....
You are a hoot...
Not laughed in ages.
Ty for making me smile. If anything "
I’ve also just picked up the actual aliens TV channels to
......‘Love Planet’ is pretty interesting stuff as it turns out..... |
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"Eat plenty of brocilli, wait for the pressure to build then blast it out. They may be back this weekend to re insert another though? "
I hope the aliens at the very least remembered to put a warranty on this device..... |
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"I shouldn't be too concerned. I doubt even alien science has conceived of anything that can match the result of 6 pints of lager (and a packet crisps) and the compulsory large Vindaloo that occurs at about 4AM on a Sunday morning .... "
I concur; Not even extraterrestrial technology can withstand the sheer chemical might of an earth curry! We shall be victorious over these alien scum yet! |
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"Im happy to put my fist up there and pull it out
I was going the offer the same,but it appears my services aren't required."
The more the merrier m’lady; Once one hand has gone up there, I’m sure my um.....’back door elasticity’ as it were, will be diminished enough that you could easily insert both your hands and feet up my jacksy at once. Either way, I’ll probably not feel a thing, as after the initial insertion, I’ll probably be passed out cold |
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Update: Good news everyone; Utilising my ingenuity, four bottles of lube and a pair of salad tongs, I have been able (after four arduous hours!) to remove the probe from my rear end.
It’s a rather fascinating looking thing indeed (the probe I mean, not my arsehole, which is looking pretty bad at the moment after the perilous DIY, kitchen utensil aided, removal operation).
I’m going to put it on eBay I think (again, the probe - not my arsehole) but being the generous soul that I am, I’ve decided to give you lucky folk first refusal on this once in a lifetime opportunity to own a piece of genuine alien technology.
Please note: I haven’t washed the said probe as I’m presently unsure if water will damage it but rest assured, my gusset is always sparkling as I always use Johnson’s Wet Wipes (available at all good supermarkets).
So.......who will give me the first bid then? |
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