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Bad jokes that actually make you giggle

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Lets here them folks...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Lets here them folks...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh!"

I went to a club, they played dance...... So I danced, then they played jump..... so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen.... I was thrown out

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Lets here them folks...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh!

I went to a club, they played dance...... So I danced, then they played jump..... so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen.... I was thrown out

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When does a beaver become a cub when hes tried his first brownie

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I told my Psychiatrist that all my friends tease me because I like sausages ..

He said there’s nothing wrong with that, I like sausages too ..

Really I said, would you like to call at my house to see the collection, I have hundreds of them

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"When does a beaver become a cub when hes tried his first brownie

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I told my Psychiatrist that all my friends tease me because I like sausages ..

He said there’s nothing wrong with that, I like sausages too ..

Really I said, would you like to call at my house to see the collection, I have hundreds of them

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By *ranimallxl5Man over a year ago

Winchester

Completed LA Noire

..now sad

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By *ranimallxl5Man over a year ago

Winchester

[Removed by poster at 06/01/18 15:37:20]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I asked my butcher if he had a sheep's head. He said no, it was just the way he combed his hair.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know of a woman whom's favourite vice is a Dickens Cider.......

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My gay best friend asked his local butcher for the largest sausage he had, to which the butcher replied “do you want it sliced?” To which my friend replied “what do you think my arse is a money box”

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My gay best friend asked his local butcher for the largest sausage he had, to which the butcher replied “do you want it sliced?” To which my friend replied “what do you think my arse is a money box”"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I caught my best friend in a farmers shed yesterday, dancing completely naked. When I asked what the hell he was doing, he said his marriage was on the rocks and his councillor said he should do something sexy to a tractor

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Doctor, Doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck in my pants.

Doctor: Is it giving you any pain?

It's driving me nuts.

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By *lackitncoCouple over a year ago

brownhills

Where did hitler keep how armies?

Up his sleevies

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked " Do you like that ? "

"No" She relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich ? "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've just been on Trip Advisor.

There's fuck all information about a twisted ankle and a grazed knee.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bought eight legs of venison last night for a fiver, was that too dear?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ever wondered why the River Mersey runs through Liverpool?

Because if it walked, it would get mugged

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By *lackitncoCouple over a year ago

brownhills

"Where did hitler keep how armies?

Up his sleevies

Maybe that should say his not how

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By *lackitncoCouple over a year ago

brownhills

Bit near the knuckle

A mate rang the other day and asked would I do a fun run

I said nah forget that

He said oh come on it’s for the blind and disabled

I thought fuck me I could win this

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By *icky-discoMan over a year ago

oxford

A copper came to a school to do a talk on heroin

Couldn’t understand a word he was on about

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a blind deer?

No eyed deer

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By *ertsguy2000Man over a year ago

hertford

Man: doctor I think my wife is dead..

Doctor: what makes you think that?

Man: well the sex is the same but the washing up is piling up

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By *ertsguy2000Man over a year ago

hertford

My dad caught me wanking once.

He said “son, if you keep that up you’ll go blind.

I said “I’m over here Dad”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This man just attacked me with butter cheese and milk.

I thought, "How dairy"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walked into a pet shop and asks the fella behind the counter, "how much are your bees?"

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell any bees"!

The man replies, "well you've one in the window "!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a blind deer?

No eyed deer

what do you call a deer ,with no eyes and no legs.

still no idea

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why was the bakers hands brown?

Because he kneaded a poo!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a scotch man inbetween two houses?

Ally!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My girlfriend has left me after she says I was too obsessed with cricket..... it really knocked me for 6!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where would you find a tortoise with no legs?

Where you left it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

this big road walks into a bar and says to the barman,"Am the hardest road in glesga! geez a pint",and starts drinking it.

A second big road walks into the bar and says the same,"Am the hardest road in glesga! geez a pint",and drinks his.

The two roads start arguing about who's the hardest road when suddenly this skinny road comes through the door and they both shut up looking panicked.

The skinny road asks really quietly,"c-c-can I have a pint of milk please", and downs it one go then leaves.

The barman asks why they were so frightened of him and they reply,"Don't Ye know!, he's a fucking CYCLEPATH!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yesterday there was this guy on our street, shaking powder everywhere out of a big box.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"It's elephant powder", he said.

"But there aren't any elephants around here", I pointed out.

"I know," he says. "Good stuff isn't it."

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By *av.x.69Man over a year ago

Callington/Liskeard

That’s funny!,,

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By *rozacMan over a year ago

london

"A copper came to a school to do a talk on heroin

Couldn’t understand a word he was on about

Apparently in yorkshire the trend is injecting ecstacy into your mouths

They're calling it ' e' by gum '

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a blind deer?

No eyed deer

what do you call a deer ,with no eyes and no legs.

still no idea

I hadn't heard that one lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked " Do you like that ? "

"No" She relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich ? "

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By *oftandGentle2Couple over a year ago

leeds

"I've just been on Trip Advisor.

There's fuck all information about a twisted ankle and a grazed knee."

Laugh out loud!!

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By *oftandGentle2Couple over a year ago

leeds

"Man: doctor I think my wife is dead..

Doctor: what makes you think that?

Man: well the sex is the same but the washing up is piling up"

Haha

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his f***ing widow."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Yesterday there was this guy on our street, shaking powder everywhere out of a big box.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"It's elephant powder", he said.

"But there aren't any elephants around here", I pointed out.

"I know," he says. "Good stuff isn't it.""

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By *estmidscoupleCouple over a year ago

West Midlands

"A copper came to a school to do a talk on heroin

Couldn’t understand a word he was on about

Apparently in yorkshire the trend is injecting ecstacy into your mouths

They're calling it ' e' by gum '"
lol

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

I liked that as well

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer

what do you call a deer, with no eyes and no legs.

still no idea

What do you call a deer with no ears, no legs and no eyes?

Definitely still no eye deer.

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By *illyannMan over a year ago

st helens

"Ever wondered why the River Mersey runs through Liverpool?

Because if it walked, it would get mugged"

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By *ushandkittyCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

My wife threatened to leave me because she said I was obsessed with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. 'Til I saw her face....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer

what do you call a deer, with no eyes and no legs.

still no idea

What do you call a deer with no ears, no legs and no eyes?

Definitely still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no, ears, legs, eyes or balls? Definitely still no fucking idea

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By *ushandkittyCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

I asked my penpal what it was like living in North Korea?

He replied 'can't complain!'

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By *rLucky777Man over a year ago

Leeds

Two moths in a bar. One says to the other

I’m off

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lol. I've only just seen this thread. Well done guys. Well done

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".

She says, "The fucking Condom!".

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

What’s brown and smells of poo?.......

Gordon Brown having a poo.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Love this thread. I have tears in my eyes from laughing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My dad walked in on me masturbating once. He said "If you do that too much you'll go blind." I said, "Dad, I'm over here!"

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

Two cows in a field. One says to the other:

“What do you reckon to this Mad Cow Disease then”

The other one goes:

“I don’t care, I’m a squirrel”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer

what do you call a deer, with no eyes and no legs.

still no idea

What do you call a deer with no ears, no legs and no eyes?

Definitely still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no, ears, legs, eyes or balls? Definitely still no fucking idea"

Is that not a spin off the old joke

Whatd'ya call a guy with no left eye/leg/arm - allrite?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into a pub and says to the barmaid "I'd like a double entendre please".

So the barmaid gave him one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When my chicken has a birthday I don't tell him, because he wouldn't understand!

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, ‘How much do you charge?’

Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a hand-job.’

Guy says, ‘$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!’

The hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny's on the corner?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?’

‘Yes.’

‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.’

Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.’

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’

The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’

‘I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!’

The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’

‘Do you see that casino just across the street?’

‘I own that casino outright.’

‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.’

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some pussy?’

The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Lol. I've only just seen this thread. Well done guys. Well done "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Interviewer to soccer player: "What do you prefer astro turf or grass?

Soccer player: "Dunno, I've never smoked astro turf"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Pretty much all above

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

I told this joke in another forum this week, but I love it - even though it is probably crap.

I dated twins many years ago. People used to ask how I knew which one was which. To which I’d reply:

“Well Katie - she has a small tattoo of a dolphin on her left foot.....whereas Sammy....

.....well Sammy has a 12inch cock”

I’m sorry, I truly am.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I asked my butcher if he had a sheep's head. He said no, it was just the way he combed his hair."

Hahaaaaa

What did the cannibal say after he ate the clown?

"it tasted a bit funny "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why has Noddy got bells on his hat?

Because he's a cunt

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

[Removed by poster at 20/01/18 19:57:47]

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

"Why has Noddy got bells on his hat?

Because he's a cunt

What’s tartan and white?

Rupert the Fridge

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By *irenGuy70Man over a year ago

Cirencester

What has Titanic and The Sixth Sense got in common?

Icy dead people.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an Irish spider ?

Paddy long legs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an Irish man hanging from the ceiling ?

Sean Deleer

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an Irish man breaking up a fight ?

Liam o’loan !!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

For scousers ( and that nasty bloke from the Rhondda ) ....

My mate insulted my new man. I said Oi .. he may be a bit green and wet but he does avacado!

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By *oyce69Man over a year ago

Driffield

Paddy is in Trafalgar Square looking up at Nelsons column and a prostitute asks him if he would like a bunk up. Paddy says 'what the fuck do I want to get up there for?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some twat sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

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By *elson61Man over a year ago

WELWYN GARDEN CITY

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "How the fuck do you drive this thing?"

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By *elson61Man over a year ago

WELWYN GARDEN CITY

Police arrested two teenagers for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

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By *J11Couple over a year ago

Gloucester

You're only ever 98 feet away from being a centipede..

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By *J11Couple over a year ago

Gloucester

I went to a lovely fetish restaurant the other day and got Toad In The Hole

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was talking to the bin man the other morning and I said to him “do you have to do any training for this job?”

He said “nah we just get told to pick it up as we go along”

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By *hagulikeMan over a year ago

Essex

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name

'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts'. He replied. He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got fuckin Allsorts ????????????????

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By *ieman300Man over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name

'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa.

Haha. Very good

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name

'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa.

Very good!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bought one of those new U2 sat navs for my car last week and it’s rubbish-the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for!

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By *ogisticalBigManMan over a year ago

Sheffield

Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree....... Ba-dum tschhhhhhh

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"I bought one of those new U2 sat navs for my car last week and it’s rubbish-the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea

Bob

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

What do you call a man with no shins?

Toeknee

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s black and white and eats like a horse

A zebra ??

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By *mallcock43Man over a year ago

blackpool

What’s got 2 wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone

Sorry

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What’s got 2 wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone

Sorry "

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What do you call a man with a car on his head.....

Jack.

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

"What do you call a man with a car on his head.....

Jack."

What do you call a woman balancing a pint of bitter on her head whilst scoring a maximum break at snooker?......

Beatrix Potter

(Actually, I think that’s genius, not crap. There, I said it)!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a man with a spade on his head

Dug

What do you call a man without a spade on his head

Dug less

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

What do you call a guy standing under a bridge........Arch....

What do you call a guy with no hair standing under a bridge......Archibald

my all time favorite..........

what do you call Postman Pat when he's made redundant.....

PAT

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, ‘How much do you charge?’

Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a hand-job.’

Guy says, ‘$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!’

The hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny's on the corner?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?’

‘Yes.’

‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.’

Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.’

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’

The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’

‘I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!’

The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’

‘Do you see that casino just across the street?’

‘I own that casino outright.’

‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.’

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some pussy?’

The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Laffed out loud on this one

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By *ushandkittyCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

Two budgies on a perch, one says to the other 'Can you smell fish?'

I've got a Geordie mate who can't understand why Aldi isn't open 24 hours!

I've got mixed race parents... my dad loves the 800 metres.......... and my mum's Indian!

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By *crumdiddlyumptiousMan over a year ago

A woman weightlifter goes the doctors,

"I've been taking steroids for the last 6 months and I've grown a cock"

Doctor say's Anabolic ?

No she say's just a cock

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Knock knock.

Who’s there.

Idoneap.

I-done-a-p-who.

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By *elson61Man over a year ago

WELWYN GARDEN CITY

I bought one of those Bonnie Tyler sat navs and what a load of rubbish it is. It keeps on telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart!!

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By *rozacMan over a year ago

london

I've got a Geordie mate who can't understand why Aldi isn't open 24 hours!

*yoink*

My sister hates tampons

She says they're stuck up cunts

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

God see's Eve washing her fanny in the river and turns to Adam and say fuck all the fish will smell like that now!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man with hearing problems goes to doctor...Doctor asks him to describe the symptoms.

He said: Homer is a bald fat ugly so and so and Marge is a skinny bird with lots of big blue hair!

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By *irenGuy70Man over a year ago

Cirencester

Can we give the police jokes arrest please?

What did the bra say to the hat? You go ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 elephants fall off a cliff

BOOM BOOM

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss

You did say you wanted bad jokes lol

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By *rozacMan over a year ago

london

how does a hamburger introduce his gf?

Meet patty

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

How do turn a duck into a soul singer?

Roast him until his bill withers.

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By *eus n EuropaCouple over a year ago

Loughborough

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse?

Warren !!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There's an egg and a sausage in the oven.

The egg says It's bloody hot in here!

The sausage says Fuck me a talking egg!

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?

Tequila!

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By *xhib12Man over a year ago

Blyth

What do you call a skoda with twin exhausts?

A wheelbarrow.

How do you double the value of a skoda?

Fill the petrol tank.

Why do skodas have heated rear windows?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a Russian with a chest infection ?

Nastikoff

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Did you hear about the guy who worked for MI5 as an undercover shepherd?

He was a shepherd spy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

After several attempts, I've finally had sex on the back of a motorcycle. It was a triumph.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the mexican thow his wife of the cliff

Taquila

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I said to my mate, “I’ve starting seeing a girl with big tits, who lives in a town near Heathrow.”

He said, “Feltham?”

“Not yet chum, I’m hoping to later tonight.”

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By *ucy baileyCouple over a year ago

North Cambridgeshire

[Removed by poster at 02/02/18 13:26:48]

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By *ucy baileyCouple over a year ago

North Cambridgeshire

Did you hear about the paperboy? .....

...... he blew away

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s brown and sticky?

A twig!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bumped into an Eskimo the other day and asked him what the proper name for his people is.

He wouldn’t tell me the answer, but ‘e knew it !

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By *verysmileMan over a year ago

Canterbury

I didn't think that the wife was serious about leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees.

But then I saw her face........

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cyclops: Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: (biting lip).. I think you need 2 'i's.

Cyclops: (puts pen down)...You think my life is just a fucking joke to you?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wonder which member of the Spice Girls can drink petrol?

Geri can........

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Apparently, the motto of the French Navy is

At the water, it is time.

Or in French

A l'eau, c'est l'heure.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Then there was the blonde that walked into a bar... you’d have thought she’d have seen it!!

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Played a cat at chess the other day and lost . He was a cheetah

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I saw a bad, or tasteless, joke, depending on your view yesterday.

It was on an American site and they were discussing the Challenger disaster when some wit asked why NASA only gives Coca Cola to its staff.

Apparently it's because they can't get Seven Up.

He got a bit of abuse for that...

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By *am88Woman over a year ago

cardiff

What do you call a bear with no father?

Rupert the Bastard.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese

What's the best cheese to hide a small horse?

Mascarpone

What cheese would you use to coax a bear out of it's cave?

Camembert

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two snowmen in a field...

One said to the other...

Don’t you smell carrots?

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By *rozacMan over a year ago

london

Apparently, the motto of the French Navy is

At the water, it is time.

Or in French

A l'eau, c'est l'heure.

*applause*

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I said to the baker "All your cakes are 50p, why is that one £1?"

He said "That's Madeira cake".

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By *ooliganMan over a year ago

Preston

What's got 99 balls and makes fat women sweat?

Bingo.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

Morning he said to the bloke.

No I'm just having a shit.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Apparently binmen don't get any training before they start work. They just pick it up as they go along.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q : What's big, red and eats rocks?

A : A big, red rock-eater

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I (male) went to the doctor's and explained that I always seemed to get an erection when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

He said, "that's because you're a cunt."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The letter from my ex’s solicitor detailing what she wanted from me

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 monkeys in a bath 1 says oh ah aha ah ah ah ha.

The other 1 says should I put some cold in !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I painted my laptop black hoping it would run faster

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Years ago, when I worked in a joke shop, a woman came in and asked for a double entendre, so I gave her one.

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By *oingdown2Man over a year ago

angus

What you call an Indian stripper?

Yaseen mafud.

Chinese stripper with no legs?

Dragon lips.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why was the broom late for work???

Because it over swept

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do flamingos always stand with one leg in the air?

Because if they lifted both of them up, they'd fall over.

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By *verysmileMan over a year ago

Canterbury

Doctor Doctor, every time that I masturbate,I have an uncontrollable urge to sing the American national anthem.

Don't worry, it is natural. A lot of wankers do that.

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By *ebjonnsonMan over a year ago

Maldon

An Indian lesbian? Mingeeta

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

What do you call a chav in a box?? ..... Innit

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By *av_55Man over a year ago

"Lets here them folks...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh!

I went to a club, they played dance...... So I danced, then they played jump..... so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen.... I was thrown out

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By *av_55Man over a year ago

Bloke in pub selling 8. Venison legs for £100 quid,,, I thought was 2 deer

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By *arnayguyMan over a year ago

Durham Tees

Apparently, the motto of the French Navy is

At the water, it is time.

Or in French

A l'eau, c'est l'heure.

Tres bien!

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"What’s brown and sticky?

A stick."
Stupidest joke ever . But i chuckled

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Who understands Roman Numerals?

I for one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a sheep without any legs ?

A cloud ... Ok was my neice but it made me laugh .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I work with kids...a six year old told me this one (it’s one you have to say out loud)

Why is there no medicine in the jungle?

The parrots ate them all

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By *ushandkittyCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

"Who understands Roman Numerals?

I for one."

Roman numerals???

Not on my watch!!

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By *sGivesWoodWoman over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL

"Lets here them folks...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh!

I went to a club, they played dance...... So I danced, then they played jump..... so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen.... I was thrown out

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By *incolnshire SausageMan over a year ago

spalding

Ive just had pancakes. They were crepe.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Gave a girl a sip of my lemonade in the pub the other night and she immediately fell in love with me!!

I schwepped her right off her feet

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck in my pants.

Doctor: Is it giving you any pain?

It's driving me nuts."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A young naive couple just started on their sex lives,

After a couple of weeks the lad is getting bored with the same position, so he says to her

"Do you mind if we try a new position tonight",

She thinks about it for a while and says

" ok, what did you have in mind",

"The wheel barrow" he replied

After a short while spent thinking the naive girl says " ok,

but don't take me past my mums house"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a blind Deer with no legs Still no eye deer

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By *eliciousladyWoman over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

"A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, ‘How much do you charge?’

Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a hand-job.’

Guy says, ‘$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!’

The hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny's on the corner?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?’

‘Yes.’

‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.’

Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.’

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’

The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’

‘I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!’

The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’

‘Do you see that casino just across the street?’

‘I own that casino outright.’

‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.’

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some pussy?’

The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Loved it

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By *xycpl699Couple over a year ago

kilmarnock

a wee mouse says to another wee mouse cum round here a show ya ma hole

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i asked my welsh mate how many sexual partners he has had

He started counting and fell asleep

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By *lceeWoman over a year ago

Leeds

Ha! This is comedy gold! We could package this as a public service - signposting all expecting fathers to the dad jokes aisle

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Ba-dum-tish!

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By *ogisticalBigManMan over a year ago

Sheffield

Two fish in a tank...one says to the other "who's driving?"

I'll get my hi-viz

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/02/18 19:07:16]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bought a new car the other day. Turns out the previous owner was Bonnie Tyler.

It's okay but every now and then it falls apart.

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By *LUKCouple over a year ago

Loughborough

A bloke with a stutter died in prison before he got to finish his sentence.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

whats got 6 legs green and brown

and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you

a snooker table

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By *irsttimecouple2018Couple over a year ago

South Ayrshire

"Who understands Roman Numerals?

I for one.

Roman numerals???

Not on my watch!!"

Killick and two??

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