....So anyway, this guy is walking down the street when he spies a piece of dog shit on the pavement. ‘Hmmm...that looks like a piece of dog shit.’ he says to himself. The man then proceeds to get down on his hands and knees and gives the faecal matter a good sniff....’Hmmm....it smells like dog shit to.’ he muses. He then gently prods it with his fingertips; ‘It feels like dog shit also!’ he exclaims. Next, raising his finger to his lips and tasting it he concludes, ‘It even tastes like dog shit!’ Standing back on his feet the man professes, ‘It IS a piece of dog shit...............................lucky I didn’t stand in it!’ |
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I was in the pub this afternoon,sat quietly enjoying a drink at the bar, when this big fat ugly minger came up an started chatting me up.
I asked "Excuse me, do you have a pen"?
She replied "Yes, why"?
I said "Well you better get back in it before the farmer realises that you've got out" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So, this morning I had to go to the sperm bank to donate.
The nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
Now, I know I'm good at it but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.
(Posted that one before, but I like It!) |
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Gareth Southgate went to see a clairvoyant ahead of the World Cup...
"Very interesting!" Said the old lady.
"What is it?" Gareth asked, "What do you see?"
"I see you holding a cup of some kind," she replied.
"Really??" He said excited, "What does it look like, "describe it to me..."
She said, "It's white and full of coffee." |
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By *atsun xxxMan
over a year ago
Nr LOUTH Lincolnshire |
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you £50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me £100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A group of stand-up comedians did a review of the year and stereotyped working class people as lazy, feckless racists who don't want to work and can't even show up to work sober. They then went back to their comedy jobs, working an hour a night while getting to drink while working.
No, I didn't think it was very fucking funny, either. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"  |
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He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote". |
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Was at the zoo the other day and walked passed a cage to see that the only thing in it was a large baguette.
I saw the zoo keeper and asked him what’s with the baguette.
He replied, oh it’s fine it was bread in captivity |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A parrot swallows a viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opened the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. “How come you’re sweating?” He asks. The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of frozen chicken?” |
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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.” “What?” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?” Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.  |
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