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Child support agency
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"Cuts both ways. My ex left with a bagload of cash from me. Now married to the guy she was shagging when she was with me. She's off to the boat show this week 'cos the one they bought this year is proving too small. I still have to pay. Lifes a bitch and then you die." Well of course you have to pay, your the father, why would you not want to pay???  | |||
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"Think its pretty fair to be honest, the other child is also his too after all. Could be worse, he could be like many and pay nothing. " I am very aware of that but should his first and second child then get less as he choose to have another child. Its saying his child(new one) should havemore, and his previous children need less to live on. Do you see what I am saying | |||
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"Think its pretty fair to be honest, the other child is also his too after all. Could be worse, he could be like many and pay nothing. I am very aware of that but should his first and second child then get less as he choose to have another child. Its saying his child(new one) should havemore, and his previous children need less to live on. Do you see what I am saying" Yes i see what your saying, but the money is now shared between 3 children now, im sure even family allowance works in a simular way, in fact its worse, doesn't the youngest child get more. | |||
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"Cuts both ways. My ex left with a bagload of cash from me. Now married to the guy she was shagging when she was with me. She's off to the boat show this week 'cos the one they bought this year is proving too small. I still have to pay. Lifes a bitch and then you die. Well of course you have to pay, your the father, why would you not want to pay??? "Because i pay through the nose. And her new boat will cost approx £80k, so she hardly needs the money. But i do. And it's not linked to ability to pay. And every penny (which she doesnt need) i give to her for our son is a penny (which i do need) that i can't spend on him myself. Don't get me wrong, there are people of both genders who get fucked over by the system. But the system is inherently unfair. | |||
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"Personally i think its fair, and im in the same boat as you, mine was reduced when my ex had another child. I think you are looking at it the wrong way, its not a case of your child now deserves less, the CSA will assess his earning, and now hes got a another child (living with him full time) his out goings will be higher with the new child to support. Should he carry on paying you the original amount and his new child go with out?? kat xx" Kat I do see it that way too as he is responsible for the new baby. But its like saying that his new child is more important than his original 2 and has more right to be fed/clothed(money)than his new baby. Surely you dont have more unless you can afford to keep the original two as their life was. I know I am seeing it a negative way but feek if he has another 3 kids then he would have to pay zero to his original children so their entitlement to food and clothes is less important. You dont buy another car unless you can still afford to run the other car sat in your drive. If you want 2 cars and both need to be run then dont buy another car if you cannot afford the other one anymore. God am I comparing my boys to cars lol. Am trying to use it as an example | |||
"Cuts both ways. My ex left with a bagload of cash from me. Now married to the guy she was shagging when she was with me. She's off to the boat show this week 'cos the one they bought this year is proving too small. I still have to pay. Lifes a bitch and then you die." Agree totally,i was getting 100 a week off my wages even tho my ex an her new partner were on 4 times the wages i was on.at least your ex is paying something.many woman dont see a penny from their exs,an for some reason the c.s.a. cant seem to trace them an make them pay | |||
"Cuts both ways. My ex left with a bagload of cash from me. Now married to the guy she was shagging when she was with me. She's off to the boat show this week 'cos the one they bought this year is proving too small. I still have to pay. Lifes a bitch and then you die. Well of course you have to pay, your the father, why would you not want to pay???
Because i pay through the nose. And her new boat will cost approx £80k, so she hardly needs the money. But i do.
And it's not linked to ability to pay.
And every penny (which she doesnt need) i give to her for our son is a penny (which i do need) that i can't spend on him myself.
Don't get me wrong, there are people of both genders who get fucked over by the system. But the system is inherently unfair.
"You are the child's father, what money the child's mother has is irrelevant, so is the money the mothers new partner earns. In Fact the new partners money should not be taken into account as he is not the father, you helped bring the child into this world, you should contribute to the housing, feeding, clothing and general upkeep of the child. You say in your post that YOU need the money more than she does, but you also say that the money you give her you want to spend on the child yourself. does it matter who spends the money as long as it goes towards raising the child??? | |||
"If you were to have had a 3rd child with him then the money would have had to be divided by 3 and not 2. His money is now being divided by 3 its just that there are 2 children in one house and 1 in another so yes I think its fair, he isnt not paying for 2 of his children after all." If we had a 3rd child together then we wouldnt have done that if it meant the first 2 wouldnt get to eat or be clothed(to exagurate) it would only be if the money for the first two would not be changed You only have another one if you can afford it. Other 2 shouldnt go without because of a new child. Especially as he has made them fell less wanted due to his actions since splitting I wonder what to say to the boys. | |||
"If it's not linked to ability to pay, then how is it worked out? Just a flat rate full stop?" no its means tested | |||
"If it's not linked to ability to pay, then how is it worked out? Just a flat rate full stop?" 1 child 10% of net pay 2 children 15% 3 or more children 20% Think thats the case nowadays for newer claims or unless your a celebrity  | |||
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"I also think it is bad that if I had a man move in with me my ex then isnt responsible for paying towards their upkeep at all I believe as ny new partner would be responsible. But isnt that worn as they are not his kids" i dont know where you have got that info from but it is 100% wrong, they do not take either your or your ex's new partners earnings into account. | |||
"If it's not linked to ability to pay, then how is it worked out? Just a flat rate full stop? 1 child 10% of net pay 2 children 15% 3 or more children 20% Think thats the case nowadays for newer claims or unless your a celebrity "sorry that was wrong it's actually 1 child 15% 2 children 20% 3 or more children 25% so in the op's case the 25% is now split 3 ways so she'll only recieve around 16% rather than the 20% she was getting before. | |||
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"If it's not linked to ability to pay, then how is it worked out? Just a flat rate full stop?" Read the posts between your one and this. See how simple it is? And that's before you've got two people who, more often than not, hate each others guts trying to sort it out. Oh, and a helpful government agency poking their nose in.  | |||
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"Fruit although I completely agree with what your point is and am also entirely sympathetic to your case, the CSA have to look at each case from a financial point of view and not a 'who's more important' point of view. If your ex earns say £100 per week, they work out that he needs £50 per week to live on (bills, mortgage food etc) which then leaves £50 per week for your 2 children. Now that he has a third, that £50 has to go further, unless he gets a wage increase, in which case it will be reassessed again. (Of course these figures are an example) However, it's incredibly unfair that men (and sometimes if not often women) go on to have subsequent children when they either struggle or complain about paying for the upbringing of the one's they already have (please refer here to my earlier post in the thread about one child each in China!!) If it helps you honey I have a very big stick and would be quite willing to go bash him with it and nick his wallet. Big hugs xxxx" I am pleased someone sees what I have tried to express. I know how it works, just seems so wrong that our children have to go without because of his choice to have another child. A big stick is very sweet and have been offered basball bats before lol. But for me I always think of how his choices effect my boys and their quality of life(I dont have much quality of life in the fact that I am a mum and that is my primary role and that comes before anything and that to me includes any future children. I struggle to pay for what we need so wouldnt add another child into the situation as my first 2 would suffer finacially. I also posted on the one child post ans think if ou cannot afford the first then dont be selfish and have another one or two or three and the first one has to suffer. When we were together in a marriage(excuse me while I spit lol)we chose to have 2 children as we could afford them both. I know what everyone is saying but I only ever think of my boys having to have less from him because of a new baby. Ps yes it is slightly green eyed monster before anyone says. Purely as I would have loved more children but due to his choices that wont happen. He canand will have as many as he wants as he doesnt care our boys now have less. I guess its priorities, mine are our children and his arent. | |||
"i got a letter off csa about 4 weeks ago saying i dont have to pay for one of my 2 kids by a x i rang them up to ask y they wont tell me y ???? " You dont have to pay once the child leaves fulltime education, does that help. | |||
"If it's not linked to ability to pay, then how is it worked out? Just a flat rate full stop? 1 child 10% of net pay 2 children 15% 3 or more children 20% Think thats the case nowadays for newer claims or unless your a celebrity "Off the top of my head, there is a further rebate to the absent parent, to "compensate" for nights spent with that father. IIRC it is a 1/7 reduction for the total nights a week spent AFTER the first night. eg If absent parent "overnights" the kids 53-104 times a year, there is a 1/7 reduction, 2/7 for 105-156 eyc. Which is often the reason why some parents ( invariably women ) don't allow the children to visit the absent parent. | |||
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"Dund, arent you responsible for feeding and clothing your children tho, arent they your responsibilty and not her new partner?" Yeh i am.an any father that doesnt pay for there kids is a waste of space.but that wasnt the point i was trying to make.im moaning about the amount i had to pay.400 a month.an the c.s.a never explaind to me how they calcuated that amount.even after months an months of phone calls and letters.i do understand this is an emotive topic.but the c.s.a is an unjust system. | |||
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"If it's not linked to ability to pay, then how is it worked out? Just a flat rate full stop? 1 child 10% of net pay 2 children 15% 3 or more children 20% Think thats the case nowadays for newer claims or unless your a celebrity
Off the top of my head, there is a further rebate to the absent parent, to "compensate" for nights spent with that father.
IIRC it is a 1/7 reduction for the total nights a week spent AFTER the first night. eg If absent parent "overnights" the kids 53-104 times a year, there is a 1/7 reduction, 2/7 for 105-156 eyc.
Which is often the reason why some parents ( invariably women ) don't allow the children to visit the absent parent."Mushroom, your right how often they spend wit him effects the money but he has them way way under the limit so pays top rate on what they say he has to pay. I would never stop them from seeing him tho,as he is still their dad although an arse and said that I could have full custardy and he would happily never see them again(threats). I dont think I will ever understand how a dad can be so callous about his resonsibility and role to the lives of his children. I listened to his threats and all the other crap years ago and under all that my mind is based upon they are his children, how can a person be so callous and his children be less important to him now we are not married. My prority is and will always be our children.Shame that was his choice too until divorce. Cant understand it and never will. But then guess I am a mum arent I lol. Thanks everyone for your input. xxxxx | |||
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"no he only 10 years old i carnt under stand y but but carnt get anything out off them " I've had alot of dealings with the CSA and the only way they would stop you paying for a child (other than leaving education) is if she says you are not the biological father and either names someone else or has it proven by DNA results. A new partner can adopt a child, therefore, negating your responsibility, however, you would need to give your permission in a court for this to happen and she would have to prove adoption. My advice, ask her outright why you no longer have to pay and see if she squirms or comes up with a viable answer, which you can then have checked via a solicitor. | |||
". My prority is and will always be our children.Shame that was his choice too until divorce. Cant understand it and never will. But then guess I am a mum arent I lol. Thanks everyone for your input. xxxxx" Think yourself lucky you get anything. I brought my children up with NO financial or emotional help from my ex, after he'd beaten the shit out of me. For 18 years I did it by myself. ME, alone....... fuck him! My kids are my pride and joy. They all have good jobs, a dam good education and they are the living embodiment of what can happen when it goes right. I will one day, walk my girls down the aisle because they don't really know their father (he never bothered) and it is I who will be paying for the weddings. I'm glad I did it alone....... their upbringing is purely down to ME. And that is something I take comfort in every day. | |||
"no he only 10 years old i carnt under stand y but but carnt get anything out off them " Yeh they are a nitemare to talk too.the only time ive heard about the c.s.a dropping the case is if you have a private aggrement with your ex an pay money into her bank account.an can prove it with bank statements.or if the child doesnt live with your ex partner.an stays with grandparents. | |||
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"no he only 10 years old i carnt under stand y but but carnt get anything out off them I've had alot of dealings with the CSA and the only way they would stop you paying for a child (other than leaving education) is if she says you are not the biological father and either names someone else or has it proven by DNA results. A new partner can adopt a child, therefore, negating your responsibility, however, you would need to give your permission in a court for this to happen and she would have to prove adoption. My advice, ask her outright why you no longer have to pay and see if she squirms or comes up with a viable answer, which you can then have checked via a solicitor." Or if the partner has said they are violent  | |||
"OP I'm not being unsympathetic but it's the responsibility of BOTH parents to support their children. You may not think it fair your payments have been reduced but he is contributing. You're not contributing because you say you can't work: that's not your ex's fault or your boys. I never used the CSA my ex and I worked it out between us. He still supports his kids three with me and two from a previous relationship and they're 18, 22, 27, 33 and 34. Sorry, you may not think it's fair, but from what you say it seems fair as his youngest has to eat as well." I agree,both parents are responsable to support the children not just the dad,i too have never had to use the CSA he has always gave me money and even now our oldest is at uni and middle child at college he still supports them. Your ex has 3 kids now and he needs to support all his kids equally finacially. | |||
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"I also think it is bad that if I had a man move in with me my ex then isnt responsible for paying towards their upkeep at all I believe as ny new partner would be responsible. But isnt that worn as they are not his kids" Yeh i take your point,but if you have a new partner your ex would still be having to pay for his kids.you could be living with bill gates.it wouldnt affect the amount your ex was paying. | |||
You say nothing to "the boys" why get them involved in something they don't need to be? Unless to score points against their dad! 
On the point of his newest kid getting more; again the kid isn't getting more, it is getting the same share as his other 2 kids are! And why shouldn't the new baby get looked after too?
Having an ex who moved a man in with her I can also tell you that his wages make no difference to what the absent father needs to pay, we pay the same no matter what the other bloke earns!
And before I get "why don't I want to pay for my own kids" I do every month direct to the CSA and have also spent over £30k and 9 years fighting my ex through the courts to get her to adhere to access orders. Also after me winning the case outright she still won't adhere to it and the courts won't punish the "mum" so they get away with it but I could be locked up for 6 months and also have my driving licence revoked if I ever stopped paying for my kids that my ex refuses to let me see!
As someone said earlier - Lifes a Bitch and then you die. So true!
I could go on and on about this but wont and you should be thankfull that you are getting the money he is meant to pay you as there are a hell of a lot of absent fathers out there who pay nothing at all. | |||
"Having had experience of this first hand i can say that a lot of the points you have raised are totally wrong! First of all though you said - "I wonder what to say to the boys" You say nothing to "the boys" why get them involved in something they don't need to be? Unless to score points against their dad!
On the point of his newest kid getting more; again the kid isn't getting more, it is getting the same share as his other 2 kids are! And why shouldn't the new baby get looked after too?
Having an ex who moved a man in with her I can also tell you that his wages make no difference to what the absent father needs to pay, we pay the same no matter what the other bloke earns!
And before I get "why don't I want to pay for my own kids" I do every month direct to the CSA and have also spent over £30k and 9 years fighting my ex through the courts to get her to adhere to access orders. Also after me winning the case outright she still won't adhere to it and the courts won't punish the "mum" so they get away with it but I could be locked up for 6 months and also have my driving licence revoked if I ever stopped paying for my kids that my ex refuses to let me see!
As someone said earlier - Lifes a Bitch and then you die. So true!
I could go on and on about this but wont and you should be thankfull that you are getting the money he is meant to pay you as there are a hell of a lot of absent fathers out there who pay nothing at all. "I would just like to concur with everything you've said. One of the big problems in all of this is, as the father, you have responsibilities which are endless but your rights could be written on the head of a pin. Cash for access (and i'm not saying every woman does it) is the most heinous thing happeining in all of this. It disgusts me that men who WANT to be fathers to their children and play a full part in their upbringing are prevented from doing so. And, at the risk of getting into a rant - it's always money. You're not allowed to take the kids to the shops and just buy the clothes. You're just expected to hand over the money. And while i'm sure the OP spends every penny on her kids, not every woman does. But as the father, you don't get to audit the spend, you just get to hand over the money. At this point i would like to re-iterate my sentiment that a lot of women DO get screwed over by the system as well. NAS - Lifes a bitch and then you die. | |||
"If it's not linked to ability to pay, then how is it worked out? Just a flat rate full stop? 1 child 10% of net pay 2 children 15% 3 or more children 20% Think thats the case nowadays for newer claims or unless your a celebrity "i get 15% of cunt faces wages and we only one child? sorry i only 1 child he never bothered his arse to see her or send birthday presents or anything like that so he doesnt deserve to be counted. wish i had vindictive streak in me and went for the 8 yrs backdated he never paid but hey ho such is life. x | |||
"Ok just seen the goan about tax. My groan is about CSA money. I have 2 children by 1 man(unusual these days I know)and the CSA work out how much he has to pay and all that is fine. They collect the money for me as dont trust him with a bargepole. He then has another baby with his new partner and then the payments to his first 2 children(ours)are reduced as he now has a baby to support. I still think it is disgusting that him having a new baby means his original babies then dont need as much according to the law and CSA. I think it is pretty bad as he should only have another baby if he can afford a new baby. It means that his new baby having a way of life is more important than his 2 older children. All he needs to do is have another say 3 children and then he probably wouldnt have to pay anything to his original children. He is no less responsible financially now he has another baby. If I had another baby does that mean that baby is more important to feed than my older 2? I do feel it pretty bad that any subsequent children means the first ones get less support. Does anyone else feel this is pretty bad. My ex would never pay more than the CSA say to him to pay and doesnt consider every buying them clothes or shoes as ectra, as the goverment say he has to pay x and that is what he pays. So there would be no point ever bringing it up as I know it is how the law is set up but still think it terrible. Anyone else think it is bad. My 2 shouldnt deserve less because dad has a new child. Always though this is bad" Sorry if this sounds blunt, but from the rest of your posts it sounds like you are saying your ex shouldn't move on with his life and have another family. It isn't about your children being any less important than his new kid, it is about how his money will be worked out because he now has another baby. Wether you think he should have another child or not, I think you are being unrealistic to think his life should stop because he already has children with you that he pays for. At least you are getting maintenence, lots of people don't get any. | |||
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"no he only 10 years old i carnt under stand y but but carnt get anything out off them " I may be batting well out of the park here but is there a possibility she has declared you are not the child's father? | |||
"First of all though you said - "I wonder what to say to the boys" You say nothing to "the boys" why get them involved in something they don't need to be? Unless to score points against their dad! "This was my first thought
The kids won't suffer for it. my dad did a runner when I was 3. Never paid a penny maintenance. Got taken to court for non payment - got a 3 month sentence and it was all quashed!
My mom often sat in the dark because she couldn't afford to pay for electricity - I don't remember any of that now.
I think you need to get over it really, because you're behaving like a victim. It might not seem fair, but it's how it is. You can carry on moaning about it (and your kids WILL pick up on this and suffer for it) or you can deal with it, forget about it and get on with giving your kids a happy life.
As someone else has said - at least he's paying.
*Her* | |||
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"OP I'm not being unsympathetic but it's the responsibility of BOTH parents to support their children. You may not think it fair your payments have been reduced but he is contributing. You're not contributing because you say you can't work: that's not your ex's fault or your boys. I never used the CSA my ex and I worked it out between us. He still supports his kids three with me and two from a previous relationship and they're 18, 22, 27, 33 and 34. Sorry, you may not think it's fair, but from what you say it seems fair as his youngest has to eat as well." My ex and I did the same thing, worked it out ourselves. Shortly after he left his business went bankrupt and he lost everything, went into a depression and couldn't work for a couple of years.(and treated me like shit) I didn't see a penny for over 2 years from him. Now that he is working, and our relationship has gotten better, he does give me money when he can, even though it is no where near to what the agreement was. He does have the kids every weekend and any time he gets a day off and has said that if he could give more he would. I had to just make due with less money...you do what you have to do for the kids with what you have... | |||
"the bottom line is that there is no point being bitter as the only people affected by it are the children and your own sanity. " 100% seconded - not easy to do but very true | |||
"Having had experience of this first hand i can say that a lot of the points you have raised are totally wrong! First of all though you said - "I wonder what to say to the boys" You say nothing to "the boys" why get them involved in something they don't need to be? Unless to score points against their dad!
On the point of his newest kid getting more; again the kid isn't getting more, it is getting the same share as his other 2 kids are! And why shouldn't the new baby get looked after too?
Having an ex who moved a man in with her I can also tell you that his wages make no difference to what the absent father needs to pay, we pay the same no matter what the other bloke earns!
And before I get "why don't I want to pay for my own kids" I do every month direct to the CSA and have also spent over £30k and 9 years fighting my ex through the courts to get her to adhere to access orders. Also after me winning the case outright she still won't adhere to it and the courts won't punish the "mum" so they get away with it but I could be locked up for 6 months and also have my driving licence revoked if I ever stopped paying for my kids that my ex refuses to let me see!
As someone said earlier - Lifes a Bitch and then you die. So true!
I could go on and on about this but wont and you should be thankfull that you are getting the money he is meant to pay you as there are a hell of a lot of absent fathers out there who pay nothing at all. "The question comes into it when my son asks about money. I explain it at a level suitable to him and the truth about money. He knows how we live and has a good understanding about how life works, like in a mortage, rent...he is inquisitve and likes to ask questions and have discussions. I dont treat him as a small child and give him answers he can understand as if he doesnt understand he needs to know more. I honestly did think that when a man moves in with a new partner that the dad is no longer responsible for paying csa money as the partner living in the house is then responsible. I am quite pleased about that to be honest as that has always bothered me. It took 2 of us to make these children and believe in 2 of us responsible so the thought of him having to not contribute wasnt a good thought. Any new baby should get fed.... not questioning that but do feel that if you have another one it adds to the cost and not splits it especially when it is to another woman. I am always thankful for the money the boys get but have never liked the fact they now get less for their lives. I know a number of friends that have gone to court to get visitation etc. A friend of mine went to court and he is being thoroughly shatfed by the mum and she has been punished and been arrested I believe through her actions. I initially had a private agreement with my ex and that was all ok until he gets the hump and then starts threatening me. So my solicitor advised me to do it all through the CSA knowing I would get less. I know I need to accept it but when you team everything about the person and how life has changed for the worse in a number of ways for them with his actions, I naturally still protect my children. Thanks everyone for your opinions. It has helped me see some things I didnt realise xx | |||
"To the OP: You haven't said how the relationship between all three children is developing. Are they in regular contact? Do your two see the new arrival as a sibling? It's worth remembering that long after you have gone the three of them will have each other and, as resentful as you feel now, as soon as your youngest turns 19 all financial commitments to you from their father ceases, and you will have to provide for yourself totally. I know that sounds harsh, but if you look at it from a different perspective you could set about building yourself a new life and try to be financially independant from your ex as much as possible. Anything he then gives you is extra. This way you can be assured that once his maintenance stops you won't suddenly find yourself unable to meet your bills etc.. He has to account for all three of his children and as much as it affects you financially, he stil has to put a roof over his head, his partner's head and his new baby's head, as well as meet his commitments to you. It's not easy. I know from first hand experience. Luckily my new wife understands that my daughter still has to be provided for and she doesn't see my monthly payments to my ex as taking food out of our son's mouth. It's a very complex situation for sure, but the bottom line is that there is no point being bitter as the only people affected by it are the children and your own sanity. Bite your tongue, wish him well, accept what he gives you and rebuild your own life. You'll feel a lot better for it. " I have spent the last year(baby is that age) in councilling sessions for our eldest son. His dad from the moment the baby was borm pushed his eldests nose out through some major things and I had to watch my son decintegrate infront of me. They see their dad now about every 6 weekends. The relationship with the little baby is now going good finally after us having to work through some pretty bad crap due to the way his dad has dealt with it. I delt with my crap years ago but have been dealing with my lads struggles about the divorce/splitting up for about 3 years now. It has been total hard work for us and his dad has been useless in many ways as couldnt deal with it so I had to. My lad and I have become very close and the relaionship with his dad is ok, but he cannot open up to him but finally understands his dad with help from myself and the councillor/psycologist. For him he needed to just understand his dad and his actions and see the failings of his dad as just that, his dads failings and not his. Now little one is at school almost fulltime now I can carry on with my volunteer work that I have been doing for some years now and gone back to redo some basic exams and an A level too. I can now think about my needs as a woman and work wise(paid this time tho) I have needed to be at home for the kids as he felt his dad abandoned him so needed to know his mum wasnt going to do that. Luckily he has had a brilliant councillor which has done wonders. It is a case of rebuidlng my life now, but luckily I have been working towards that in the background for a few years now. My concern has always been for my kids and my needs have been put to the side. Nice to now start thinking of me for a chnage and yes I look forward to getting self sufficient soon. Am lucky I have 2 wonderful kids x | |||
"the bottom line is that there is no point being bitter as the only people affected by it are the children and your own sanity. 100% seconded - not easy to do but very true" To be a good parent you have to put your dislike for your ex way behind the love for your children, and it's not going to be easy at times. Kids need to know they're loved by both parents and nothing should be done to bad mouth the other parent. My youngest spends every weekend with her dad as she has for the last seven years. The other two still ask their dad for advice and we still spend time together as a family. Our kids are happy, successful and loved. We couldn't make it work as husband and wife but we sure as hell weren't going to fail as parents. | |||
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"Now little one is at school almost fulltime now I can carry on with my volunteer work that I have been doing for some years now and gone back to redo some basic exams and an A level too" You can't work because of depression, but you can do voluntary work and sit for A-Levels? What is more important to you? Your kids welfare or your time doing what you want? I know a woman who suffers very deeply from depression and she works and has a good job too. Yes sometimes it is a struggle for her, but she has no alternative except stay at home where the depression will get worse! Having read your profile, you seem to have a lot of irons in the fire! Not what I would have expected on a profile from someone suffering from depression that would stop them working! It sounds like a very together person who knows just what she wants! " am just a passionate mum who would kill for her kids and protect them as best I can." I notice that you have two visits to Club Tease planned over the next few months. If you worked I would say OK, but you are complaining about your ex paying less and your children suffering because of it! As you don't work, perhaps your ex is paying for these trips too? Personally, I think it would be better spent on the kids! I suspect you posted this as a thread to bash your Ex and expected everyone to say "ahh, poor you!" But, there are loads of single mums and dads on here who have to or want to work. They struggle daily and very few of them are posting about their plight! This is just my view.... | |||
"The question comes into it when my son asks about money. I explain it at a level suitable to him and the truth about money. He knows how we live and has a good understanding about how life works, like in a mortage, rent...he is inquisitve and likes to ask questions and have discussions. I dont treat him as a small child and give him answers he can understand as if he doesnt understand he needs to know more." He still doesn't need to know anymore than "we don't have as much money as we used to have". Most kids will always ask "buy why" and again there is no need to keep getting further into things by saying "beacause your dads has a new baby and it is taking the food out of your mouth and the clothes off your back" "I honestly did think that when a man moves in with a new partner that the dad is no longer responsible for paying csa money as the partner living in the house is then responsible. I am quite pleased about that to be honest as that has always bothered me. It took 2 of us to make these children and believe in 2 of us responsible so the thought of him having to not contribute wasnt a good thought." Why would another man suddenly become responsible for some other mans kids? Your ex is contributing by paying what he needs to pay. "Any new baby should get fed.... not questioning that but do feel that if you have another one it adds to the cost and not splits it especially when it is to another woman." He has "another woman" now and a family with her, it seems you need to get over those 2 facts and let your ex move on with his life, sadly new families do happen, that's life! "I am always thankful for the money the boys get but have never liked the fact they now get less for their lives." It isn't about getting "less for their lives". It's about your ex paying what he can afford to from what he earns but still managing to have a life himself. Would you rather he didn't have a home he could take his first 2 kids to and spend time with them then? "I know a number of friends that have gone to court to get visitation etc. A friend of mine went to court and he is being thoroughly shatfed by the mum and she has been punished and been arrested I believe through her actions." Sadly not all Courts or Sheriffs up here will do that. They threaten the mum with action against them and just keep warning them and give them another chance to comply, until it gets to the stage that the original "breach of the order" happened that long ago they say it is now irrelevant and the other chances starts all over again! "I initially had a private agreement with my ex and that was all ok until he gets the hump and then starts threatening me. So my solicitor advised me to do it all through the CSA knowing I would get less. I know I need to accept it but when you team everything about the person and how life has changed for the worse in a number of ways for them with his actions, I naturally still protect my children." I and lots of other fathers would do all they could to protect their own children too, that isn't exclusive to the mums. "Thanks everyone for your opinions. It has helped me see some things I didnt realise xx " No worries, it just goes to show that things are not always as black and white as they first seem. Life moves on and there is no point in trying to change things that have happened, he has another family now that has the same right (as you do) to be able to live life the best they can with what they have, here and now! | |||
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"andy was screwed over by his ex, he left after she rang the police said he was beeting her up, he was asleep in bed at the time, and before you say it i know this for a fact and he wouldnt hurt a fly. he was draged out in handcuffs in front of all the neighbours, told to not come back till the next day, he moved out leaving a payed for house and 2 new cars, she then wouldnt let him see the kids saying she was scared of what he would do, her word against his. and as there was a report of him beeing removed from the house due to her complaint even tho there was no evidance he ever was anything other than his gentle self. the csa then raped him and still do even tho she still wont let him see kids, he doesnt begrudge paying but his ex doesnt work and has a much better standard of living than us. he has been to solicitors but they have all told him it would be a money pit to fight her and the csa so best not to and the chances of getting a result are almost zero. the good news his daughter has got in touch recently and they have contact with the help of his exes parents, just my two pence worth my point is there is always two sides" i would suggest you find a new solicitor as you have a very good chance, i know this from my own experience and from friends, even if your ex claims you are 'a danger' to the kids, they have no proof, as you say yourself its her words against his. They would start off with supervised access, caffcass would be involved to assess what the childen wants. This is how it started out with my ex seeing my daughter, eventually the trust was there and it went to unsupervised and now hes as her every other full weekends and half the holidays. | |||
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" At first everyone is dead protective of their time -each parent gets the alloted amount, no more, no less. After a while it relaxes a bit and the odd extra hour here and their isnt a big deal. Until eventually you get to the stage where you're fighting 'cos it's NOT your turn to have the little blighters!! "piss OFF i've had him LOADS, YOU can do your share" - "No way, i'm going out this weekend, he LOVES being with you" etc etc " court orders stop all that lol | |||
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"Ok just seen the goan about tax. My groan is about CSA money. I have 2 children by 1 man(unusual these days I know)and the CSA work out how much he has to pay and all that is fine. They collect the money for me as dont trust him with a bargepole. He then has another baby with his new partner and then the payments to his first 2 children(ours)are reduced as he now has a baby to support. I still think it is disgusting that him having a new baby means his original babies then dont need as much according to the law and CSA. I think it is pretty bad as he should only have another baby if he can afford a new baby. It means that his new baby having a way of life is more important than his 2 older children. All he needs to do is have another say 3 children and then he probably wouldnt have to pay anything to his original children. He is no less responsible financially now he has another baby. If I had another baby does that mean that baby is more important to feed than my older 2? I do feel it pretty bad that any subsequent children means the first ones get less support. Does anyone else feel this is pretty bad. My ex would never pay more than the CSA say to him to pay and doesnt consider every buying them clothes or shoes as ectra, as the goverment say he has to pay x and that is what he pays. So there would be no point ever bringing it up as I know it is how the law is set up but still think it terrible. Anyone else think it is bad. My 2 shouldnt deserve less because dad has a new child. Always though this is bad" My views on this is, i have 3 children, had i only had one she would have more money spent on her because i would have more, all because i had another child, which ment i had to share my money out, does not mean i could not afford more kids nor does it mean i think any less of her When you have kids you have to juggle your money to afford everything Wether this is with 1 partner or more than one partner its life and its what happens I actually think men get a bum deal from the CSA the amount of money they make some men pay is stupid, my brother pays his ex £80 a week for 1 child, no way does it cots £80 a week to keep 1 child | |||
"To the OP. This may be blunt, but you posted and I am answering! There are a number of things that just don't tie up! Now little one is at school almost fulltime now I can carry on with my volunteer work that I have been doing for some years now and gone back to redo some basic exams and an A level too You can't work because of depression, but you can do voluntary work and sit for A-Levels? What is more important to you? Your kids welfare or your time doing what you want? " i also find this a little odd you moaning about your ex working for a living to support his families and how you find it unfair that you are now getting less money because of his new child Yet your giving time you could be earning money away for free!! why not get a paid job and replace that money you are loosing yourself If you can work voluntary you can work for money | |||
" At first everyone is dead protective of their time -each parent gets the alloted amount, no more, no less. After a while it relaxes a bit and the odd extra hour here and their isnt a big deal. Until eventually you get to the stage where you're fighting 'cos it's NOT your turn to have the little blighters!! "piss OFF i've had him LOADS, YOU can do your share" - "No way, i'm going out this weekend, he LOVES being with you" etc etc court orders stop all that lol "No they don't!!! | |||
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" I actually think men get a bum deal from the CSA the amount of money they make some men pay is stupid, my brother pays his ex £80 a week for 1 child, no way does it cots £80 a week to keep 1 child " I haven't ever had any dealings with the CSA or any kind of child maintenance having been with my hubby forever so can't really comment on the CSA. But I do know how much it is to bring up children, and when you take EVERYTHING into consideration then £80 a week isn't excessive over the first 18 years of a childs life. Food, Clothing, Educational expenses, Leisure, Holidays, etc. etc......soon adds up. | |||
"If you have kids and something goes wrong no matter whos at fault then the one who does not have care of the child should pay Its as simple as that in my opinion And yes i have a daughter who i don't live with However i pay her £300 a month (can i afford it no but that ta me is irrelevant) I left the relationship but shes still my daughter I ain't had a holiday in nearly seven years and probably wont until i stop paying I see her most weekends and phone her every night She is my world and it wasn't her fault I realise that this is my own opinion and my own story and others lives may not be as cut and dried xx" Well said Soapy!, you summed it up perfectly..... | |||
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"To the OP. This may be blunt, but you posted and I am answering! There are a number of things that just don't tie up! Now little one is at school almost fulltime now I can carry on with my volunteer work that I have been doing for some years now and gone back to redo some basic exams and an A level too You can't work because of depression, but you can do voluntary work and sit for A-Levels? What is more important to you? Your kids welfare or your time doing what you want? I have been a stay at home mum purely as 3 school runs a day, no car, small town, busses once and hour.I am responsible for my boys as have put paid work aside while I concentrate on them, and being there for when they need me. If I went to work in a shop it would be hours chosen for me and not me choosing the hours. Who has the kids when they are ill? There are many reasons and unless you know me you wont know my clear situation. The volunteer work is where I can take the kids and the other vol work was while my little one was at nursery mornings. It fit in and I could call the shots. I have been working towards one A level since March last year, in daytimes while little one at nursery. I havent worked due to depression but now thankfully over depression and have been for a few years now but have had to deal with my sond depression. This has resulted in meetings and solicitors appointments. This has been a prority to me and if I was able to have found a job I wouldnt have been able to assist with clearing up his depression. Work or my kids heath? My kids health comes first. Little one starts at fulltime school in 2 weeks so now doing basic maths and englisg GCSe while at home in the day is now next on the list to do. So as you can see I dont sit on my botty all day long as am always dashing around,I give alot back to my community and do it for free that means a great deal to me, maybe not you, but to my town it is essential. lots of families are very grateful for the work I do for their kids. To do it because I love it says a great deal about it. Would you do your job for free if it wasnt going to pay you. Would you still work the same hours but for free. I doubt it.(meaning anyone here, not the poster? Hope that answers. i also find this a little odd you moaning about your ex working for a living to support his families and how you find it unfair that you are now getting less money because of his new child I am only not happy about the fact that now he has chosen to have another child his first 2 get less. All he needs to do is have another 5 and he wont have to pay a penny I recon. Alongside with all the other crap he has put the kids through since splitting up it makes it seem pretty hard. Som dads dont reduce the money for the previous children as they feel it unfair. He is happy about it. He has rejected his eldest son since the baby was born by his actions that I havent mentioned on here. That is what I dislike, not him working as everyone has to work. Some paid and others like me unpaid(for love). Yet your giving time you could be earning money away for free!! why not get a paid job and replace that money you are loosing yourself If you can work voluntary you can work for money" Now I have more time in a day I can do that and is my plan of action and the last few years vol work shows that I am hard working and put myself out for others. The past has been very different, and now working towards getting the job I want. Hope that explains. xx | |||
"I think anyones situation is irrelevant.. by that i mean..remarried, new partner, new job, how often the children are seen by either partner etc... all that matters (in my opinion) is that as a parent..REGARDLESS of your gender..then you should ALWAYS be liable for half of everything they need. No ifs, no buts, not but whys, no but he/she has 10 cars and a mansion... you brought that child into the world and until the day you die you should be responsible for them and until the day they leave full time education you pay for them..end of. My ex went to his lawyer to STOP seeing the children!! Outrageous, but none the less his choice, He only pays his maintenance and for nothing else (no contribution to xmas, birthdays, school uniforms etc) Yes I am angry and yes i wish all kinds of badness on him. I am human and have feelings..be they right or wrong, but the silver lining is that karma always has a way of sorting things out.. i am reasonably sure his next shit will be a hedgehog! I wish the law insisted that each parent HAD to see their kids (unless violence/safety was an issue) and take their role seriously...sadly that is not possible at present vol xx" I hope and believe in karma and with a big hammer attatched to it lol. I believe as you do it takes 2 to make a child and 2 to bring them up. I bring up our children, he doesnt, I put every penny towards their lives and little to myself. That is called being a mum. He easily was able to walk away and start a new life, I am still 5 years on clearing up his mess and will for some time. Yes that makes me bitter but is life.I came to terms with that years ago. When you have kids in my opinion it is a contract agreement for the fact that you are both responsible for their lives and upbringing til they are 18. If they need a coat I buy it, if I have to not pay a bill then that is the way it is. Scrimp and save. He says well you have maintenance to cover that but any mum knows that £35 a week doesnt cover all that you need for kids. he would never offer to buy something. Some men pay more than they need to because they feel they want to and not always because they can afford it. That tells me he is a selfish man as he doesnt want to and sees that he has to pay what he has to pay and that is the end of it. It tells alot about him. Loving the hedgehog tho. I will dream of that lol. | |||
"my son is eight and regretably he walked into me ranting and raving when i was trying to sort out his csa payments. so i made the choice to sit down and explain to him what it all ment and how it worked and how it effected us. he took it on board and accepted it. now when we plan things and his so called father doesn't pay, he asks me if we're going e.g. cinema and i say no honey, lets go to the park instead, he gets it. oh, and his father has only just started paying over the last 6 months, never what he's spose to, not by a long shot, but i figure hey, whatever he gives, more then i had before. and if that few extra quid goes towards putting a smile on my son's face then fuck it, i'm happy." Miss s, well done you, I believe in being honest. My son is 9 and understands how it works, as he is very inquisitve. He asks before we go into teco about how much can we spend. I havent volunteered that to spite his dad but so he knows that he cannot have this and this and this,,,he is thoughtful and understanding. I also agree that at least I get something from the ex. Just dont like that my sons life is messed up(well has been in the past number of years)all due to his dads choices and no thought for anyone else. To see his face whne I have enough to go out for a meal is amazing,as it means so much to him. He has become a very considerate child and able to openely discuss his feelings. How proud am I. | |||
"Ok just seen the goan about tax. My groan is about CSA money. I have 2 children by 1 man(unusual these days I know)and the CSA work out how much he has to pay and all that is fine. They collect the money for me as dont trust him with a bargepole. He then has another baby with his new partner and then the payments to his first 2 children(ours)are reduced as he now has a baby to support. I still think it is disgusting that him having a new baby means his original babies then dont need as much according to the law and CSA. I think it is pretty bad as he should only have another baby if he can afford a new baby. It means that his new baby having a way of life is more important than his 2 older children. All he needs to do is have another say 3 children and then he probably wouldnt have to pay anything to his original children. He is no less responsible financially now he has another baby. If I had another baby does that mean that baby is more important to feed than my older 2? I do feel it pretty bad that any subsequent children means the first ones get less support. Does anyone else feel this is pretty bad. My ex would never pay more than the CSA say to him to pay and doesnt consider every buying them clothes or shoes as ectra, as the goverment say he has to pay x and that is what he pays. So there would be no point ever bringing it up as I know it is how the law is set up but still think it terrible. Anyone else think it is bad. My 2 shouldnt deserve less because dad has a new child. Always though this is bad Sorry if this sounds blunt, but from the rest of your posts it sounds like you are saying your ex shouldn't move on with his life and have another family. It isn't about your children being any less important than his new kid, it is about how his money will be worked out because he now has another baby. Wether you think he should have another child or not, I think you are being unrealistic to think his life should stop because he already has children with you that he pays for. At least you are getting maintenence, lots of people don't get any. " Its his actions that show he feels his older 2 are less important, those actions I havent written on here as it is pretty dire what he has done and how. Its not about him not being allowed to move on, he is lucky he is able to move on, I can in time but am still clearing up his crap he left from the life with us. Thats is what is dislike, he moved on with no looking back and behaved like, well the kids will have to get used to it and deal with it, but in reality I have sat with the kids while they cried,shouted,discussed,councilled...he simply moved and and hasnt been concerned with the daily life of his children. Now I would certainly like to move forward(which is finally happeneing now)but have felt it more i mportant to get my kids stable and healthy and accepting their life now before I think of myself and move on. I still look after the children, he rarely does. His work hasnt been halted,mine had to. He goes to bed every night with his partner and I go to bed having to console a child who doesnt understand and cries himself to sleep. thats doesnt seem to be a fair thing to me, but know it is life. Some mums do it too I know,some dads actually see their kids as often as possible and speak with them as often as possible, my ex doesnt. I am grateful for the amount of assistance if ou can call it from him. Is it fair, not in my opinion. His life hasnt stopped, mine has, but now slowly moving in the right direction | |||
"I also think it is bad that if I had a man move in with me my ex then isnt responsible for paying towards their upkeep at all I believe as ny new partner would be responsible. But isnt that worn as they are not his kids" Ur ex would still pay for his children weather ur married single or lliving with someone else - Theyre his children after all | |||
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"There are lots of families who have to tell their children that there isn't enough money for everything, wether they have two parents or not....single parents are not the only ones who feel the pinch. Any child can be told this without the need to go into too much detail and put the blame onto someone else. Some posts on this thread sound like bitter women because the man left them. Yes, when people decide to get married and have babies they normally think it is for life.....but shit happens, people change, people split up, but every woman who it happens to has to move on before their children can begin to as often the resentment and bitterness shows through, even if it wasn't intended. " im bitter i dont deny it! not cause he left, it saved me doin a spell in jail, but because he wouldnt pay a penny or even send a birthday card etc. one good thing to come out it all was it showed that i could cope and that no matter what situation i was in i always found a way to provide and now according to school report i have a very kind caring and well balanced clever wee girl! thats somethin money cant buy x | |||
" Its his actions that show he feels his older 2 are less important, those actions I havent written on here as it is pretty dire what he has done and how. Its not about him not being allowed to move on, he is lucky he is able to move on, I can in time but am still clearing up his crap he left from the life with us. Thats is what is dislike, he moved on with no looking back and behaved like, well the kids will have to get used to it and deal with it, but in reality I have sat with the kids while they cried,shouted,discussed,councilled...he simply moved and and hasnt been concerned with the daily life of his children. Now I would certainly like to move forward(which is finally happeneing now)but have felt it more i mportant to get my kids stable and healthy and accepting their life now before I think of myself and move on. I still look after the children, he rarely does. His work hasnt been halted,mine had to. He goes to bed every night with his partner and I go to bed having to console a child who doesnt understand and cries himself to sleep. thats doesnt seem to be a fair thing to me, but know it is life. Some mums do it too I know,some dads actually see their kids as often as possible and speak with them as often as possible, my ex doesnt. I am grateful for the amount of assistance if ou can call it from him. Is it fair, not in my opinion. His life hasnt stopped, mine has, but now slowly moving in the right direction" I was answering your original post first of...why should you get less money just because he has another baby to feed. To this post, I would say, YOU can move on whenever you wanted, we all have traumas in our life with children and deal with them as well as living our life. When I say move on with your life I don't mean you need another man, I just mean moving on after accepting what has happened. | |||
"There are lots of families who have to tell their children that there isn't enough money for everything, wether they have two parents or not....single parents are not the only ones who feel the pinch. Any child can be told this without the need to go into too much detail and put the blame onto someone else. Some posts on this thread sound like bitter women because the man left them. Yes, when people decide to get married and have babies they normally think it is for life.....but shit happens, people change, people split up, but every woman who it happens to has to move on before their children can begin to as often the resentment and bitterness shows through, even if it wasn't intended. " I agree with Rugby,when i split ffrom my ex husband we had 3 small children,we decided between us how much he should pay without involving the CSA and when i divorced him we remained friendly for our childrens sake,in fact now we get on better than we did when we were married and are friends,i know its not possible for all ex's to get on but my kids didnt suffer because their parents were still arguing. | |||
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" Its his actions that show he feels his older 2 are less important, those actions I havent written on here as it is pretty dire what he has done and how. Its not about him not being allowed to move on, he is lucky he is able to move on, I can in time but am still clearing up his crap he left from the life with us. Thats is what is dislike, he moved on with no looking back and behaved like, well the kids will have to get used to it and deal with it, but in reality I have sat with the kids while they cried,shouted,discussed,councilled...he simply moved and and hasnt been concerned with the daily life of his children. Now I would certainly like to move forward(which is finally happeneing now)but have felt it more i mportant to get my kids stable and healthy and accepting their life now before I think of myself and move on. I still look after the children, he rarely does. His work hasnt been halted,mine had to. He goes to bed every night with his partner and I go to bed having to console a child who doesnt understand and cries himself to sleep. thats doesnt seem to be a fair thing to me, but know it is life. Some mums do it too I know,some dads actually see their kids as often as possible and speak with them as often as possible, my ex doesnt. I am grateful for the amount of assistance if ou can call it from him. Is it fair, not in my opinion. His life hasnt stopped, mine has, but now slowly moving in the right direction I was answering your original post first of...why should you get less money just because he has another baby to feed. To this post, I would say, YOU can move on whenever you wanted, we all have traumas in our life with children and deal with them as well as living our life. When I say move on with your life I don't mean you need another man, I just mean moving on after accepting what has happened." I accepted what happened to me years ago,what has taken time is for my kids to accept it and that they have another sibling now and how it has made them feel. It is about how they have been the past few years, and until they have moved on which my eldest has pretty much done so now they have moved on, I can stop worrying about them and have made plans for my life. When it comes down to it,its been how their dad has rejected them since the new baby in so many ways which is not great reading to put on here. I chose to concentrate on their mental/emotional health for the past few years as they needed help quite badly. I could have course just not bothered about them or how they felt and allowed them to not understand and deal with their feelings but that isnt right. I put my children first. Now they are great now, I can put me ahead and think of what I want/need. Moving on for me is not having to worry about the tears and tantrums, desperation,sleep and bed wetting problems and that I can think of me and what I need and want. They have been the prority and now its time to plan fo me. Being a single mum, no car,paid job....and very little free time meeting someone special is very hard to do,unless mr right is gonna walk down tescos lol. That will happen in time but luckily the house is peaceful now and issues resolved mostly in relation to their dad. Being a single parent of young children can limit your free time massively. Thats the way my life is and couldnt do anything about that but luckily I can have a few extra hours in the day to do things now.Time to move on now. | |||
"There are lots of families who have to tell their children that there isn't enough money for everything, wether they have two parents or not....single parents are not the only ones who feel the pinch. Any child can be told this without the need to go into too much detail and put the blame onto someone else. Some posts on this thread sound like bitter women because the man left them. Yes, when people decide to get married and have babies they normally think it is for life.....but shit happens, people change, people split up, but every woman who it happens to has to move on before their children can begin to as often the resentment and bitterness shows through, even if it wasn't intended. " I have to agree with you Rugby: some VERY bitter women on this thread. What I also think is very sad the bitterness is being shared with the children. In an earlier post on this I said my ex-husband and I couldn't make it work but we sure as well weren't going to let our girls feel they had done anything wrong or were unloved by either of us. When I left my husband he was very bitter and I was resentful, but we never once bad mouthed each other to the kids. It would never cross my mind to tell my children their dad was a prick and didn't want to know them! Why make a child feel bad so you can feel better - outrageous behaviour in my opinion. Our dislike of each other was always secondary to our love of our children, and we are now able to meet and socialise as a family. We have not missed a birthday, graduation, recital, house warming, we attend together, more importantly our kids know they can invite both of us together without it kicking off! Neither of us expected to divorce after 28 years but we did. You have to move on! The bottom line is no matter how awful your ex is YOU picked them, your child did not, so why visit your bad decision on them?!! | |||
"my son is eight and regretably he walked into me ranting and raving when i was trying to sort out his csa payments. so i made the choice to sit down and explain to him what it all ment and how it worked and how it effected us. he took it on board and accepted it. now when we plan things and his so called father doesn't pay, he asks me if we're going e.g. cinema and i say no honey, lets go to the park instead, he gets it. oh, and his father has only just started paying over the last 6 months, never what he's spose to, not by a long shot, but i figure hey, whatever he gives, more then i had before. and if that few extra quid goes towards putting a smile on my son's face then fuck it, i'm happy. Miss s, well done you, I believe in being honest. My son is 9 and understands how it works, as he is very inquisitve. He asks before we go into teco about how much can we spend. I havent volunteered that to spite his dad but so he knows that he cannot have this and this and this,,,he is thoughtful and understanding. I also agree that at least I get something from the ex. Just dont like that my sons life is messed up(well has been in the past number of years)all due to his dads choices and no thought for anyone else. To see his face whne I have enough to go out for a meal is amazing,as it means so much to him. He has become a very considerate child and able to openely discuss his feelings. How proud am I." My two living at home are 18 and 22 and it wouldn't cross my mind to discuss my finances with then and they're adults, so why would you find it necessary to discuss money with a child?!!  | |||
"There are lots of families who have to tell their children that there isn't enough money for everything, wether they have two parents or not....single parents are not the only ones who feel the pinch. Any child can be told this without the need to go into too much detail and put the blame onto someone else. Some posts on this thread sound like bitter women because the man left them. Yes, when people decide to get married and have babies they normally think it is for life.....but shit happens, people change, people split up, but every woman who it happens to has to move on before their children can begin to as often the resentment and bitterness shows through, even if it wasn't intended. I have to agree with you Rugby: some VERY bitter women on this thread. What I also think is very sad the bitterness is being shared with the children. In an earlier post on this I said my ex-husband and I couldn't make it work but we sure as well weren't going to let our girls feel they had done anything wrong or were unloved by either of us. When I left my husband he was very bitter and I was resentful, but we never once bad mouthed each other to the kids. It would never cross my mind to tell my children their dad was a prick and didn't want to know them! Why make a child feel bad so you can feel better - outrageous behaviour in my opinion. Our dislike of each other was always secondary to our love of our children, and we are now able to meet and socialise as a family. We have not missed a birthday, graduation, recital, house warming, we attend together, more importantly our kids know they can invite both of us together without it kicking off! Neither of us expected to divorce after 28 years but we did. You have to move on! The bottom line is no matter how awful your ex is YOU picked them, your child did not, so why visit your bad decision on them?!!" hold the boat here sassy all very well you and your ex could be friendly hwo very delightful but in some of our worlds it doesnt happen like that!! what did u want me to tell her a pack of lies that ten years down the line would have caused more damage?? this man has seen her 6 times in 9 years HIS choice why should i lie to cover for his failings.??? he walked out without a second glance and regardless no money no support no fuck all oh and that was after he had a knife at my throat whilst i was holdin her!! times you need to get out of your own shallow little bubble and realise not everyone has perfect lives and that the real world can be a harsh place and that different things happen to different people.
he wouldnt have been a prick if he had did the decent thing and kept in contact with his daughter as he had the option to do, i never withheld access rights he choose himself not to see her with his wifes backing as she didnt want him to see her which proves my point spineless prick of a man! | |||
"There are lots of families who have to tell their children that there isn't enough money for everything, wether they have two parents or not....single parents are not the only ones who feel the pinch. Any child can be told this without the need to go into too much detail and put the blame onto someone else. Some posts on this thread sound like bitter women because the man left them. Yes, when people decide to get married and have babies they normally think it is for life.....but shit happens, people change, people split up, but every woman who it happens to has to move on before their children can begin to as often the resentment and bitterness shows through, even if it wasn't intended. I have to agree with you Rugby: some VERY bitter women on this thread. What I also think is very sad the bitterness is being shared with the children. In an earlier post on this I said my ex-husband and I couldn't make it work but we sure as well weren't going to let our girls feel they had done anything wrong or were unloved by either of us. When I left my husband he was very bitter and I was resentful, but we never once bad mouthed each other to the kids. It would never cross my mind to tell my children their dad was a prick and didn't want to know them! Why make a child feel bad so you can feel better - outrageous behaviour in my opinion. Our dislike of each other was always secondary to our love of our children, and we are now able to meet and socialise as a family. We have not missed a birthday, graduation, recital, house warming, we attend together, more importantly our kids know they can invite both of us together without it kicking off! Neither of us expected to divorce after 28 years but we did. You have to move on! The bottom line is no matter how awful your ex is YOU picked them, your child did not, so why visit your bad decision on them?!! hold the boat here sassy all very well you and your ex could be friendly hwo very delightful but in some of our worlds it doesnt happen like that!! what did u want me to tell her a pack of lies that ten years down the line would have caused more damage?? this man has seen her 6 times in 9 years HIS choice why should i lie to cover for his failings.??? he walked out without a second glance and regardless no money no support no fuck all oh and that was after he had a knife at my throat whilst i was holdin her!! times you need to get out of your own shallow little bubble and realise not everyone has perfect lives and that the real world can be a harsh place and that different things happen to different people.
he wouldnt have been a prick if he had did the decent thing and kept in contact with his daughter as he had the option to do, i never withheld access rights he choose himself not to see her with his wifes backing as she didnt want him to see her which proves my point spineless prick of a man! "Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was resentful, I'd lost my sight the year previously, no guarantee my sight would return and buried my mum. That was MY problem, I made the decision to leave it had NOTHING to do with my children. I'd wake up in my new house to find my ex-husband standing over me, our girls had let him in and he was checking to see if I had another bloke in my bed. The first two years were awful between us but as I said, our dislike for each other pailed when it came to the love of our children: THAT'S what parents do - protect your children. If our life was so perfect we would be still married, preparing to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary next year. I've had to bite my tongue over the years when it has come to my ex: if I'd stayed with him I'd either be in Holloway for murder or the Maudsley - our local mental health hospital after he'd driven me mad. But no, looking at the confident, happy, successful women we've raised with no gender issues has made it all worth while - and that to me is more important than any temporary relief I'd have had bad mouthing their father! | |||
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"i would loved to have remained on civil terms with him but he made it so difficult to do! ....................." I know neither of the parties concerned and can only speak in general terms about such situations. You need only look at the threads about the reaction of (mostly) single males who's sole contact with a woman has been a message on Fab which she doesn't wish to pursue. Given the level of animosity such perfectly reasonable rejection on the woman's part engenders on the single guys part, it's hardly surprising that a husband and father, good, bad or indifferent, can take the rejection of separation and subsequent divorce quite badly. | |||
" I actually think men get a bum deal from the CSA the amount of money they make some men pay is stupid, my brother pays his ex £80 a week for 1 child, no way does it cots £80 a week to keep 1 child I haven't ever had any dealings with the CSA or any kind of child maintenance having been with my hubby forever so can't really comment on the CSA. But I do know how much it is to bring up children, and when you take EVERYTHING into consideration then £80 a week isn't excessive over the first 18 years of a childs life. Food, Clothing, Educational expenses, Leisure, Holidays, etc. etc......soon adds up." ok but should the father just pay half or all of the cost of the childs up bringing? surely the mother has a responsability towards the cost of the child too So £160 a week to rase a child? i think not | |||
"Not sure how the cut in payments will affect you though _ruit if you’re on benefits, unless of course you’ve neglected to tell them your receiving anything? anyone who tells a child they can't have this or blames the other parent for lack of money, in my opinion is only playing against the other parent. Either way this sounds like more than a CSA issue, sounds like you need some help with letting the past go and moving on with you and your children’s lives. " The benefits people know all about the miney I get from the Csa. When my son askes why he cant have/we cant buy...my answer is simpke, I have a certain amount of money coming in and with what I have to pay out for there leaves very little left.I dont turn to him saying his dads pays little so that is the reason we have to cut back all the time. But then you wouldnt know this as you dont know me, or see me in our every day life. Only what I have written on here. Unless like some others that have been in the situation you dont know how you wold react. It has been sorted with the CSA for some time.Solicitors have naturally been involved through for many issues too with their dad. Alot has been about the way he has been with the children. But you of course again dont know about any of this. Walk a mile in my shoes... not shoes like mine, but mine. As said before I dealt with my crap years ago.The past few years has been dealing with the crap that he left the children in. Does that make me angry, yes, bitter,yes, but I do have great kids who still see their dad due to me pushing that communication to still happen. If he had made better choices and did things in a better way it wouldnt have caused so much pain for me and the boys. I have been asked about how my kids have been effected and have explained,also about how often they see their dad...and have answered all those as have nothing to hide. If you ask me a question I will answer. I am proud of how hard I have worked to sort my health out 5 years ago and then after sorting that then the childrens depression. Its pretty tough, but have done it well and kept commnication open with the ex. I could have easily stopped all communication with him and not co operated in any way. The only reason he has taken part in information sessions about the children as I have invited him to take part. If I was the un thoughtful,inconsiderate person that people may think I am then I would have removed him from those discussions,and not keep him informed about what has been happening. Anyone thinking I am wrong then thats fine, but anyone who knows me is aware how hard we as a family have worked to be healthy. | |||
"To the OP. This may be blunt, but you posted and I am answering! There are a number of things that just don't tie up! Now little one is at school almost fulltime now I can carry on with my volunteer work that I have been doing for some years now and gone back to redo some basic exams and an A level too You can't work because of depression, but you can do voluntary work and sit for A-Levels? What is more important to you? Your kids welfare or your time doing what you want? I know a woman who suffers very deeply from depression and she works and has a good job too. Yes sometimes it is a struggle for her, but she has no alternative except stay at home where the depression will get worse! Having read your profile, you seem to have a lot of irons in the fire! Not what I would have expected on a profile from someone suffering from depression that would stop them working! It sounds like a very together person who knows just what she wants! am just a passionate mum who would kill for her kids and protect them as best I can. I notice that you have two visits to Club Tease planned over the next few months. If you worked I would say OK, but you are complaining about your ex paying less and your children suffering because of it! As you don't work, perhaps your ex is paying for these trips too? Personally, I think it would be better spent on the kids! I suspect you posted this as a thread to bash your Ex and expected everyone to say "ahh, poor you!" But, there are loads of single mums and dads on here who have to or want to work. They struggle daily and very few of them are posting about their plight! This is just my view...." I did reply private but then someone commented to me about this post so thought I would reply on here too. Ok, so mabye your saying that as I should not go to a club(as on benefits)and that maybe his CSA money goes to pay for me shagging at my local club which it doesnt. Every penny he sends goes striaght to pay for the clothes/shoes/food they eat. Not the latest pair of heels to me, but the children and always has. Maybe I shouldnt be entitled to eat, sleep with a duvet,go out if it costs me £5 to get in,or anything eklse that I have that costs. Now I know I am being a bit silly here but my god, just because I am on benefits currently should I not have a life on my limited free time?????? Sounds like you dont think so. We struggle finacially as many do in my situation. Do they buy themselves a bottle of wine occasionally when they have paid all the bills and the kids dont need any shoes...yes they do. Should they, I thik so yes. Sounds like you dont. As I said in my mail to you direct this thread was and is a grumble, my grumble, not a look at me, or desined as a poor _ruit thread. We all complaint occasionally that people dont read profiles, or dont read emails, it is just us having a grumble. Not done for everyone to to say poor _ruit or whoever. I manage my money as best I can,and that is none of your business,what I do with it. I know the CSA money goes to the boys, you can honestly think what you like but I do take offence that you think I should have no fun at all. God forbid a single parent has fun when she isnt being mum. I must be a terrible person to think I should use my free time and try have fun and smile and laugh and god forbid have sex!!! Send me straight to the bad place below. Apologies being blunt but tough. Ps, father christmas will visit this christmas and he may have a present for me!! god how selfish am I.lol | |||
" I actually think men get a bum deal from the CSA the amount of money they make some men pay is stupid, my brother pays his ex £80 a week for 1 child, no way does it cots £80 a week to keep 1 child I haven't ever had any dealings with the CSA or any kind of child maintenance having been with my hubby forever so can't really comment on the CSA. But I do know how much it is to bring up children, and when you take EVERYTHING into consideration then £80 a week isn't excessive over the first 18 years of a childs life. Food, Clothing, Educational expenses, Leisure, Holidays, etc. etc......soon adds up. ok but should the father just pay half or all of the cost of the childs up bringing? surely the mother has a responsability towards the cost of the child too So £160 a week to rase a child? i think not "well break it down rent/ mortgage they live there too so need to pay something gas and electric they need heat and light food clothing leisure expenses shoes school costs ie dinner money etc if not on free school meals household expenses toy etc personal care products it all adds up when you break it down! | |||
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"If it cost £160 a week to raise a child nobody would have any "it may not cost 160 a week directly to the child to raise it, but to keep you from being done for child abuse, u need heating electric, water, clothes, clean clothes bathing stuff, food, the list goes on, it is not one thing to raise a kid its a whole list of things which makes u able to raise a child in a safe clean and healthy place. | |||
"If it cost £160 a week to raise a child nobody would have any
it may not cost 160 a week directly to the child to raise it, but to keep you from being done for child abuse, u need heating electric, water, clothes, clean clothes bathing stuff, food, the list goes on, it is not one thing to raise a kid its a whole list of things which makes u able to raise a child in a safe clean and healthy place.
"noo they dont need all that its just greedy woman wanting their hands on the hard earned cash of the daddy!!
im sure if someone sat down worked it out then including pocket money, birthdays, christmas etc on top of cost of living costs, it would cost a lot more but no accordin to some in here that have never had the experience of raisin a child alone its just greed on the mothers part!! 15% of daddies pay and about 60% of mums!! whoo 15% big fuckin deal! x | |||
"If it cost £160 a week to raise a child nobody would have any
it may not cost 160 a week directly to the child to raise it, but to keep you from being done for child abuse, u need heating electric, water, clothes, clean clothes bathing stuff, food, the list goes on, it is not one thing to raise a kid its a whole list of things which makes u able to raise a child in a safe clean and healthy place.
"I’m aware of all that, I have children. Was just being realistic as most people already have to pay all that anyway before even having kids. | |||
"If it cost £160 a week to raise a child nobody would have any
it may not cost 160 a week directly to the child to raise it, but to keep you from being done for child abuse, u need heating electric, water, clothes, clean clothes bathing stuff, food, the list goes on, it is not one thing to raise a kid its a whole list of things which makes u able to raise a child in a safe clean and healthy place.
I’m aware of all that, I have children. Was just being realistic as most people already have to pay all that anyway before even having kids."well there u go, u pay all that before having kids, but then when u have kids the cost goes up, | |||
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"my son is eight and regretably he walked into me ranting and raving when i was trying to sort out his csa payments. so i made the choice to sit down and explain to him what it all ment and how it worked and how it effected us. he took it on board and accepted it. now when we plan things and his so called father doesn't pay, he asks me if we're going e.g. cinema and i say no honey, lets go to the park instead, he gets it. oh, and his father has only just started paying over the last 6 months, never what he's spose to, not by a long shot, but i figure hey, whatever he gives, more then i had before. and if that few extra quid goes towards putting a smile on my son's face then fuck it, i'm happy. Miss s, well done you, I believe in being honest. My son is 9 and understands how it works, as he is very inquisitve. He asks before we go into teco about how much can we spend. I havent volunteered that to spite his dad but so he knows that he cannot have this and this and this,,,he is thoughtful and understanding. I also agree that at least I get something from the ex. Just dont like that my sons life is messed up(well has been in the past number of years)all due to his dads choices and no thought for anyone else. To see his face whne I have enough to go out for a meal is amazing,as it means so much to him. He has become a very considerate child and able to openely discuss his feelings. How proud am I. My two living at home are 18 and 22 and it wouldn't cross my mind to discuss my finances with then and they're adults, so why would you find it necessary to discuss money with a child?!! "because i chose to raise my son with the idea that money does not grow on trees, that i don't have endless pockets and that if he utters the words "i want" he will automatically get it. plus i chose to be honest with my son, i don't fob him off if he asks me a question, i answer him the best i can. he asked me what csa was, i explained. he asked why it was paid, i explained. he asked why his dad has never been in his life for 6 years, then put me through 2 years of court to gain access to him to only not bother with the visitation 3 months later, and i explained. and i did all this without slagging or bashing his father for it. at the end of the day, i am not bitter or twisted or pissed off with the way life turned out. his father gave me the best thing that ever happened to me, my son. and whether he choses to be part of his life or not, well, thats his fault cause he is the one missing out on knowing this amazing, indepentant, funny and creative kid. as long as my son is happy, i'm happy. screw everything else | |||
" his father gave me the best thing that ever happened to me, my son. and whether he choses to be part of his life or not, well, thats his fault cause he is the one missing out on knowing this amazing, indepentant, funny and creative kid. as long as my son is happy, i'm happy. screw everything else " That's probably the best statement made on this entire thread. | |||
