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Advice from those who are divorced
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Try and be adults and deal with as much as you can in advance of any solicitors and court involvement
Other than taking a lot of time, a huge financial cost if you have kids it just lengthens an already not great time |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "
You can do it yourself online if you’ve agreed everything.
Get a solicitor to check it over if you’re at all concerned.
You may be entitled to a rebate on the court fees.
Get the financial separation agreement in place as well.
Sending healing thoughts x |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.
You can do it yourself online if you’ve agreed everything.
Get a solicitor to check it over if you’re at all concerned.
You may be entitled to a rebate on the court fees.
Get the financial separation agreement in place as well.
Sending healing thoughts x "
We don't agree on the financial split so are going to need financial/legal advice. |
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Try mediation first if things are amicable. Especially if you have children. It will be cheaper than going through solicitors for all of it. You will still need to go through solicitors to complete the paperwork legally. Getting divorced is quick, it's the financial settlement that needs to be done at the same time. Get a final financial settlement so that he or she can't make a claim on anything inbtge future..I.e pensions, inheritance or any other money you come into. |
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"Try mediation first if things are amicable. Especially if you have children. It will be cheaper than going through solicitors for all of it. You will still need to go through solicitors to complete the paperwork legally. Getting divorced is quick, it's the financial settlement that needs to be done at the same time. Get a final financial settlement so that he or she can't make a claim on anything inbtge future..I.e pensions, inheritance or any other money you come into."
I think it's the financial settlement that is holding things up. As you say, it's the more complicated bit. |
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Put everything in writing. Everything.
Even when you agree on things, when you’re amicable enough to talk them through … because one day you probably won’t be.
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And think about your friends, too. How you tell them about the split, how much of the ‘inside’ story you share. Because those relationships are at risk too, in the midst of all this stress. |
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By *inaTitzTV/TS 4 weeks ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
I was surprised by how easy it was, but also by how long it all took.
My ex and I started to get on very well once we'd decided to divorce, as there really wasn't anything to argue over. We were both reasonable about it all. Not everyone is, which is a shame. Scorched earth tactics seldom do anyone any favours.
The only tip I can offer, is just remember that at one point you were both deeply in love.  |
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"Put everything in writing. Everything.
Even when you agree on things, when you’re amicable enough to talk them through … because one day you probably won’t be.
.
And think about your friends, too. How you tell them about the split, how much of the ‘inside’ story you share. Because those relationships are at risk too, in the midst of all this stress."
There's no big drama about the reason for the split so I'm not sure I mind what he tells people versus what I tell people or even what our shared version of events is. I imagine the fallout will be that we both lose shared friends though  |
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"I was surprised by how easy it was, but also by how long it all took.
My ex and I started to get on very well once we'd decided to divorce, as there really wasn't anything to argue over. We were both reasonable about it all. Not everyone is, which is a shame. Scorched earth tactics seldom do anyone any favours.
The only tip I can offer, is just remember that at one point you were both deeply in love. "
That's a great point, thank you. We were in love enough to get married in the first place. And share a home and build a family. All of it. We have definitely had our shit times but I think we are both trying to be kind to the other right now. |
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"Try mediation first if things are amicable. Especially if you have children. It will be cheaper than going through solicitors for all of it. You will still need to go through solicitors to complete the paperwork legally. Getting divorced is quick, it's the financial settlement that needs to be done at the same time. Get a final financial settlement so that he or she can't make a claim on anything inbtge future..I.e pensions, inheritance or any other money you come into.
I think it's the financial settlement that is holding things up. As you say, it's the more complicated bit."
Ty financial settlement and separation is the hardest bit and it’s the one thing I wish I’d done differently. Definitely take legal advice here and make sure you’re protected for future too.
Another thing you may not have thought about is next of kin status. Until your are divorced he can and could be the one legally making decisions should something happen to you and you’re not in a position to decide. You can change this simply by contacting your gp and hospital and sorting out a next of kin nomination. |
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"Try mediation first if things are amicable. Especially if you have children. It will be cheaper than going through solicitors for all of it. You will still need to go through solicitors to complete the paperwork legally. Getting divorced is quick, it's the financial settlement that needs to be done at the same time. Get a final financial settlement so that he or she can't make a claim on anything inbtge future..I.e pensions, inheritance or any other money you come into.
I think it's the financial settlement that is holding things up. As you say, it's the more complicated bit.
Ty financial settlement and separation is the hardest bit and it’s the one thing I wish I’d done differently. Definitely take legal advice here and make sure you’re protected for future too.
Another thing you may not have thought about is next of kin status. Until your are divorced he can and could be the one legally making decisions should something happen to you and you’re not in a position to decide. You can change this simply by contacting your gp and hospital and sorting out a next of kin nomination. "
Oh god. It isn't something that I'd ever considered so thank you for bringing it up! What a scary thought. Like, I don't think we're at a point where I think he'd make a decision in that scenario that would go against my wishes but even so.
I also don't think I have any other options for next of kin either  |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.
Make sure you get a full financial disclosure! "
Is that just me trusting him to disclose that? For example, I have no idea how much is in his pensions or even what his current annual salary is. Would we have to bring documents with us to show evidence? But does that mean he could just not bring certain things? Idk how it works. |
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Going through this at the moment, make sure financial settlement is as close as it can be before engaging 3rd parties. Else you'll pay for someone to be referee to discussion. If you can't agree maybe point out the cost of doing so comes out of the shared pot and less for both.
Lots Will depend on your situation but for me I've given up a lot financially but asked for certain aspects like property to be in trust for my kids just incase her situation changes they still get an inheritance and made sure everything considered the length of time we were together but also that overtime the value in the future is factored in.
I never expected to be here, but wish I'd done a prenuptial to avoid some of this being an issue now. |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.
Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!
Is that just me trusting him to disclose that? For example, I have no idea how much is in his pensions or even what his current annual salary is. Would we have to bring documents with us to show evidence? But does that mean he could just not bring certain things? Idk how it works."
Initially when you complete Form E things like bank statements, P60s etc are required. But if you think there’s assets being hidden, you could get to a point where your solicitor applies for things like a third party disclosure order. Hiding assets is taken very seriously by courts. |
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You have to do a full financial disclosure. I gave up the house that was fully paid off so that I kept my pensions. It meant the kids had somewhere to live with no disruption, and it will go to them eventually |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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I have very recently had mine finalised after being separated for 13 years.
Ours was totally amicable but definitely sort out financial agreement.
And enjoy the process, it is actually quite exciting but makes me laugh how long it can actually take.
Good luck OP xx |
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Sort it out without solicitors if you can do. Once you involve Solicitors, each will push a hard for a better settlement and it will just cost you thousands in legal fees .
Ideally you want a full clean break. If one of you have more future earning potential that might mean something like 25/75 or even higher split of assets.
You have to trust each other to disclose all savings/investments otherwise it won’t work |
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It's much better if you try and be reasonable and see it from the other person's side. If there are kids involved remember it's not what they think of you when they are 14 it's when they are 40 and if you've done it right they will agree you did the right thing.
I get on fine with my Ex wife. I am very happy for her and my 2 lads have grown up fine and love us both to bits.
I am 100% sure I did the right thing. |
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"Going through this at the moment, make sure financial settlement is as close as it can be before engaging 3rd parties. Else you'll pay for someone to be referee to discussion. If you can't agree maybe point out the cost of doing so comes out of the shared pot and less for both.
Lots Will depend on your situation but for me I've given up a lot financially but asked for certain aspects like property to be in trust for my kids just incase her situation changes they still get an inheritance and made sure everything considered the length of time we were together but also that overtime the value in the future is factored in.
I never expected to be here, but wish I'd done a prenuptial to avoid some of this being an issue now. "
We've had many conversations just the two of us but we, sadly, are at a stage where we need someone to referee! |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.
Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!
Is that just me trusting him to disclose that? For example, I have no idea how much is in his pensions or even what his current annual salary is. Would we have to bring documents with us to show evidence? But does that mean he could just not bring certain things? Idk how it works.
Initially when you complete Form E things like bank statements, P60s etc are required. But if you think there’s assets being hidden, you could get to a point where your solicitor applies for things like a third party disclosure order. Hiding assets is taken very seriously by courts. "
Thank you! That's really good to know. I wouldn't like to think he's hiding assets but even so. I feel better knowing that I can fall back on something. |
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"How well the kids would cope.
I wish I knew that too "
I think the point is often that they do cope and very well as long as they know that both mum and dad still love and care for them but just don’t want to live with each other anymore. Try to remain impartial infront of the kids. I say this as the child of a very difficult marriage split. |
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By *cgmcgMan 4 weeks ago
kingston |
If kids are involved, try to agree a Swedish model, week on week off. Unless one of you doesn't want to be involved. Don't fight this, is much much better in the long run that the kids get a chance to love you both equally.
Share pets in the same way.
Re finances, if you disagree then the lawyers win big, and they don't care.
Don't trust your ex to behave reasonably.
Retain your own dignity throughout.. It's really important for your self worth in the long run
I speak from bitter experience.
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By *cedGemWoman 4 weeks ago
your dreams |
"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.
Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!
Is that just me trusting him to disclose that? For example, I have no idea how much is in his pensions or even what his current annual salary is. Would we have to bring documents with us to show evidence? But does that mean he could just not bring certain things? Idk how it works.
Initially when you complete Form E things like bank statements, P60s etc are required. But if you think there’s assets being hidden, you could get to a point where your solicitor applies for things like a third party disclosure order. Hiding assets is taken very seriously by courts. "
What they said...my ex refused to do a full financial disclosure I was told I could take him to court etc but unfortunately I didn't...I was much weaker back then,I was frightened & just wanted it all over asap 😕
He hid lots from me,I was a mug!
But please make sure you do it
A good solicitor will tell you how to go about it all...Good luck xx |
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By *abba44Man 4 weeks ago
Broadstairs |
If she`s on legal aid and you`re not never answer her solicitors letters,`cos that is a fee you will pay 4 times.Tell her from the get go that every letter she sends will be less money for her and more for the solicitor. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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I’m going to assume that child arrangements are already agreed and sorted, and now it’s down to a property / asset split / maintenance. Note that if all children are over 18, this is a whole lot easier.
The financial settlement can be done online, and costs £56. It will be stamped by the court (not a solicitor, who needs not to be involved) and can be a full and final settlement.
You both need to be honest and upfront about your situation. Have you any reason to doubt what they are saying they have / earn? Assets, such as property, cars, boats, art, shares, company ownerships, pensions, etc all need to be declared. Anything over £500 actually…
There is a very big point to make about taking it to court. Once you step into the court arena, you’ll both be handing the decision making over to the court. That doesn’t always end well!
Using solicitors to argue things around financials will cost you both very significant amounts of money. A divorce solicitor once told me that unless the estate is worth millions, don’t go near a court. What do you estimate the total value of the entire estate to be?
Yardstick… if no kids (under 18) are involved it’s 50:50. Anything more or less needs to be justified. |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "
How expensive going through solicitors (it was 4 times higher than they quoted the divorce and the custody case was even higher) are and how much family can influence a party member / the solicitors. |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.
Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!
Is that just me trusting him to disclose that? For example, I have no idea how much is in his pensions or even what his current annual salary is. Would we have to bring documents with us to show evidence? But does that mean he could just not bring certain things? Idk how it works.
Initially when you complete Form E things like bank statements, P60s etc are required. But if you think there’s assets being hidden, you could get to a point where your solicitor applies for things like a third party disclosure order. Hiding assets is taken very seriously by courts.
Thank you! That's really good to know. I wouldn't like to think he's hiding assets but even so. I feel better knowing that I can fall back on something."
It can be an unpleasant time and even the most amicable of splits can generate some awkward moments.
My ex refused to get a solicitor and as a result, completely messed up his financial information. In the end I paid for my solicitor to talk him through it 🙄
L |
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"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "
That some former people who claimed to love you can behave really vile. I didn't recognise my ex and didn't defend myself as much as I should have. Good luck, it's not easy. |
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Been through two.
Second was painful.
Try mediation at all costs.
My ex was so adamant that she should get more that she blew a fortune on solicitors fees to get less than if she’d agreed in the first place.
The pot was getting smaller all the time but still the fighting continued.
Try mediation.
Financial declarations can be quite intrusive and legally all information must be disclosed. |
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By *enelope2UWoman 4 weeks ago
Doesn't matter cant block distances |
Also understand the difference in Scotland Vs England.. it's vast.. look at pension sharing orders, incomes, the housing, and any gaps that you might have had due to maternity leave care roles and how that helped his income Vs gutted yours. Also look at what beneficiary's you have if he's still listed or not and if children look on their aspects as well.
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"Make sure you have a fully laid out financial separation agreement"
This 100% ..
Or a Clean Break Financial Order..
Found out Last Year that my 1st Ex-wife (I know, should've learnt then) can still Claim half my Pension and if She gets ill I could be liable for Her Care/Medication Costs |
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My experience of divorce werent great. Firstly it was an arranged marriage. We knew each other but there wasnt that love i guess. We were 2 different people putting up a persona to please our families. But breaking up we have 2 kids wasnt easy either. Our families feel embarrassed and our quite judgemental about this whole situation. Although over the past 2 years we are happier and are co parenting on better terms. I know my experience is completely different to what your talking about but i would just say ignore the outside noise try to be calm n solve it how you see fit. |
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"I’m going to assume that child arrangements are already agreed and sorted, and now it’s down to a property / asset split / maintenance. Note that if all children are over 18, this is a whole lot easier.
The financial settlement can be done online, and costs £56. It will be stamped by the court (not a solicitor, who needs not to be involved) and can be a full and final settlement.
You both need to be honest and upfront about your situation. Have you any reason to doubt what they are saying they have / earn? Assets, such as property, cars, boats, art, shares, company ownerships, pensions, etc all need to be declared. Anything over £500 actually…
There is a very big point to make about taking it to court. Once you step into the court arena, you’ll both be handing the decision making over to the court. That doesn’t always end well!
Using solicitors to argue things around financials will cost you both very significant amounts of money. A divorce solicitor once told me that unless the estate is worth millions, don’t go near a court. What do you estimate the total value of the entire estate to be?
Yardstick… if no kids (under 18) are involved it’s 50:50. Anything more or less needs to be justified. "
I agree with everything you said, apart from the last bit 50-50.
Generally the man should give the women more than this. 75-25 or even 90-10 if you are going for a clean break.
Typically, the woman has far less earning potential after the divorce because of the career sacrifices she made looking after her husband the children and their home. It’s very normal to see marriages where the Husband hasn’t really grown up and has left the woman to do all the work while he’s off playing sports and the likes typically spending a higher amount of the joint income on himself as well.
The man can start again quite easily even in his 40s or 50s. & be mortgage free again within 5 or 10 years if he’s single. The woman just can’t do that normally, so do the right thing give her pretty much everything, unless you’re prepared to pay her a couple of thousand a month for life.
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By *emma200Woman 3 weeks ago
Warwickshire |
I agree with the above comments OP regarding mediation
My divorce was finalised nearly 2 years ago and we used mediation, unfortunately for us it didn’t work and he wanted more than he was entitled too almost as a punishment for leaving him which he openly stated when we separated that I would pay one way or another.
Fast forward to today and I am hopefully towards the end of a settlement with a clean break as we still are sorting the house out.
Every offer he has coming back to me has constant amendments and he keeps altering the goal posts, the final one using my son as a trigger point to force sale which quite frankly I’m at a pickle with.
You just need to be strong, open minded and understand you’ll have to compromise. It’s not a nice thing to go through if children are involved.
My inbox is open if you wanted to chat OP x |
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i used wikivorce (online service)
as long a your soon to be ex is above board with everything and willing to end it without too much fuss
i fully recommend their services. it's like a 10 minute initial process and then you just move through each stage til the end
i think it was about 300 plus court costs (which differ for each case)
whereas a solicitor i had contacted asked for 1200 + court costs
hope this helps
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