FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Putting yourself first. How good are you at it?
Putting yourself first. How good are you at it?
Jump to: Newest in thread
I ruthlessly cut ties with the last person in my fab life, who finally crossed a hard boundary of mine. They push and push to see how far you bend and then act all shocked when you snap.
So this year I am spending more time with people who care for me, as much as I care for them 
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I'm getting very good at putting myself first these days. 😊 Mostly by voicing my concerns, instead of holding onto things for long times (which will generally come out in the form of an explosive anger comment, triggering or prior to a downward spiral).
I've also been focusing more on what I want, for the last couple of months and trying to improve my situation. Both mentally and physically, as they are often connected.
That doesn't mean I'm ignoring others. Far from it. I still care loads about the people closest to me and help them whenever needed.
It just means that any fucking around and I'm gone. I don't give second chances anymore. It's not difficult to be a good person and not take advantage of others. So any funny business and I cut people from my life, like a cancer that needs removing, they're gone without hesitation.
Before all this, I would regularly get taken the piss out of, walked over, pushed around. All because I was too nice, too trusting, neglectful of my own self.
Nowadays, people have to earn my trust, support, caring, affection and respect. 😁 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Oof. Don't be asking that and ruining my weekend mood Pickle.
I'm terrible at putting myself first. I always place the needs of the people I care about above my own needs. I am working on it in therapy still, but it is definitely a known issue.
This year I'm just continuing to work on verbalising my needs instead of internalising them. I've still got a way to go 💜 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By *929Man 3 days ago
bedlington |
I’m shit at it to be honest
My main priority is working less an enjoying life more , don’t get me wrong part of the problem is myself but a big part is my exes son who still lives and works with me and he never has any money saved so needs to be at work all the time, he’s also became a bit of a cunt in recent years he pays nothing to live here and has done a lot of snidey things over last few years that shows he has zero respect any more it might be time for you to cut ties
Another is actually getting through to my mothers thick selfish fucking skull to let me have time to myself, as it is a normal week I’ll be at work 5 days and she will call both days on the weekend, if I have a day off through the week with the rain she sees my van and calls in, if I work Saturday she will wait till I finish work and call in, she calls often after work through week despite me saying not to as I got no time by time cool teas tidy up then get to gym. And despite saying multiple times I want a good stretch of time to myself this holidays she’s never been almost every single day. I know it sounds like a small thing and there are many here would give anything to have a missing parent back (I would with my dad) but it’s so suffocating and honestly at my wits end |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Oof. Don't be asking that and ruining my weekend mood Pickle.
I'm terrible at putting myself first. I always place the needs of the people I care about above my own needs. I am working on it in therapy still, but it is definitely a known issue.
This year I'm just continuing to work on verbalising my needs instead of internalising them. I've still got a way to go 💜"
Needs and expectations prey. Don’t be afraid to keep having a needs and expectations talk xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Oof. Don't be asking that and ruining my weekend mood Pickle.
I'm terrible at putting myself first. I always place the needs of the people I care about above my own needs. I am working on it in therapy still, but it is definitely a known issue.
This year I'm just continuing to work on verbalising my needs instead of internalising them. I've still got a way to go 💜
Needs and expectations prey. Don’t be afraid to keep having a needs and expectations talk xx"
Oh I'm quite good at those base conversations, they're pretty core to initiating the whole thing for me and important to maintain throughout. It's more the short term or crisis ones that I struggle to express. Especially if they're already dealing with their own shit at that time 💜 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It's been a long road to this for me but now I'm in a place where my feelings, my needs and my goals come first. Spent my whole life putting others before myself and I've suffered because of it. It's not selfish to look after you, it's essential. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *eliWoman 3 days ago
. |
I'm not particularly great at it. I'd say I'm a work in progress. I don't like upsetting other people for the most part, I have this belief that stems from childhood that I can cope with any hurt or pain and I'd much rather it was me than them because my resilience always sees me through.
That's meant in the past people have pushed hard boundaries of mine, lied to me, cheated etc and I forgive because I don't want to give up on them. Have their beliefs confirmed that they're not loveable, that they're not good enough. Sadly it resulted in me thinking I'm not deserving of more. I hurt myself trying to fix others hurt.
There's light though. Last year I started vocalising my needs more. Those things that I'm uncomfortable with. How I really feel. There's a balance to be found isn't there? Between not thinking about others at all, being self centred/selfish and realising your value, prioritising yourself. I'm getting there. It's nice to have reciprocated energy. Be happier in myself. 🩷 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
The way I was brought up means that I've struggled in the past to put myself and my needs on the same level of other people's needs. But that is no more. I still give people chances and I still find it hard to cut people out of my life, but I will.
I've definitely worked the muscle enough to build up my own self worth to know that some people are not worth upsetting my peace over.
As for what I'm doing this year to prioritise myself more, I am hoping for more regular hot stone massages. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I'm absolutely useless at putting my needs first and when I've tried to, have essentially found that it's just me and Mr KC against the world and that the people I always help and am expected by default to help, are not willing to reciprocate.
We've had to put my need front and centre recently and it now involves paying an eye watering sum for 1hr per work-day of care support because we have no other option. I feel so guilty that my health and disability issues are costing us a small fortune and am trying to get past those feelings. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm absolutely useless at putting my needs first and when I've tried to, have essentially found that it's just me and Mr KC against the world and that the people I always help and am expected by default to help, are not willing to reciprocate.
We've had to put my need front and centre recently and it now involves paying an eye watering sum for 1hr per work-day of care support because we have no other option. I feel so guilty that my health and disability issues are costing us a small fortune and am trying to get past those feelings."
What if it were reversed? What if it was Mrs KC that needed that care support? Would you care about the money you're paying to help her? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Essentially we are alone. If we're fortunate as I am we have a partner who has our back. However putting oneself first is a prerequisite of supporting others and I try to do it as much as possible without being unnecessarily selfish |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm absolutely useless at putting my needs first and when I've tried to, have essentially found that it's just me and Mr KC against the world and that the people I always help and am expected by default to help, are not willing to reciprocate.
We've had to put my need front and centre recently and it now involves paying an eye watering sum for 1hr per work-day of care support because we have no other option. I feel so guilty that my health and disability issues are costing us a small fortune and am trying to get past those feelings.
What if it were reversed? What if it was Mrs KC that needed that care support? Would you care about the money you're paying to help her? "
I am Mrs KC 
If Mr KC needed paid care then I'm sure I'd just accept it. Obviously in our situation now, if he also became disabled then he'd deffo need paid support because I can't.
I do earn significantly more than him but I resent my hard earned money being spent on wheelchairs and carers. I want to spend it on enjoying ourselves  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm absolutely useless at putting my needs first and when I've tried to, have essentially found that it's just me and Mr KC against the world and that the people I always help and am expected by default to help, are not willing to reciprocate.
We've had to put my need front and centre recently and it now involves paying an eye watering sum for 1hr per work-day of care support because we have no other option. I feel so guilty that my health and disability issues are costing us a small fortune and am trying to get past those feelings.
What if it were reversed? What if it was Mrs KC that needed that care support? Would you care about the money you're paying to help her?
I am Mrs KC
If Mr KC needed paid care then I'm sure I'd just accept it. Obviously in our situation now, if he also became disabled then he'd deffo need paid support because I can't.
I do earn significantly more than him but I resent my hard earned money being spent on wheelchairs and carers. I want to spend it on enjoying ourselves "
Sorry. Mixed up the genders there. But my point remains the same. If you'd just accept it for your partner then you should accept it for yourself.
I keep reading a thing that says to be kinder to yourself sometimes it takes thinking of our own situations but as if your best friend or your partner is going through it. And to try to treat ourselves in the way you'd react if it was your best friend/partner. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I'd genuinely love to get to a point of putting myself and my wants first, but I've spent quite a long time finding fulfillment based on what I can provide to others that I'm worried that putting myself first would make me feel quite lost and directionless  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ookie46Woman 3 days ago
Deepest darkest Peru |
"This year I want to get better at protecting my heart.
What are you going to do more of to prioritise yourself? "
Me too Pickles, me too
I’m already quite good at prioritising myself as in “me” time it will be more about who I let in
Sometimes hard for me as my heart is on my sleeve |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I think im already good at this as i spend probably 90% of the day working alone anyway then any free time with the family so dont realy have time for other people worries or feelings. Wife says im heartless but my argument is i have too many staff and animals that rely on me to have time to worry about feelings 🤷 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Going to put myself out my comfort zone.
Learn how to paddle board and attend LARP.
Keep working toward getting the body I want and saying no more.
Little impovement each day toward where I see my self in the future
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"This year I want to get better at protecting my heart.
What are you going to do more of to prioritise yourself? "
I know what I need to but I haven't yet found a way to do it. I feel like I'm stuck between telling my mum to jog on so I can get on, and realising at the minute I'm kind of reliant on her. Which gives her more power and I absolutely hate it. 
Maybe next year  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
A lifelong work in progress.
I know what I need to do. Life isn’t always compatible with it, though. So it’s making choices, some which I’ve already made, some which I need to make as I go. And compromise. And trying to keep the bigger picture in view.
Mrs TMN x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I’m going to stop saying yes to everything. Someone taught me to say ‘yes’ to everything to make life more fun… yeah it worked and it’s been a great 10 years but whewww I need to slow down and take some me time now. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Getting better. It's just me, small and I do a lot for my mummy dragon. She asks ALLLLLLL the time and it's very wearing. Of course, I want her to feel safe and know that someone is there for her but she is shocking at boundaries. Every time I say "not tomorrow I'm having a quiet day or similar" she will find a way to get me to do for her. Had to take a stand - initially I was every kind of selfish bxxxx I could be but she's gradually getting better. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"This year I want to get better at protecting my heart.
What are you going to do more of to prioritise yourself? "
I HAVE to learn to be more assertive and confident, being a doormat and a pushover is making me unwell and affecting my mental health in a very bad way. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"This year I want to get better at protecting my heart.
What are you going to do more of to prioritise yourself?
I HAVE to learn to be more assertive and confident, being a doormat and a pushover is making me unwell and affecting my mental health in a very bad way."
I hear this bro. Godspeed. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *sWyldWoman 3 days ago
Edinburgh |
"I spent 2024 learning how to this. I'm getting much better at it.
It's made life so much better
Think that needs to be a 2025 thing for me. Do some reading and figure it out."
You don't need to read or figure it out.
It's simple. If it doesn't bring you joy and isn't something you have to do, then don't do it
No more people pleasing and realising that no is actually a complete sentence.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ags73Man 3 days ago
glasgow-ish |
"I spent 2024 learning how to this. I'm getting much better at it.
It's made life so much better
Think that needs to be a 2025 thing for me. Do some reading and figure it out.
You don't need to read or figure it out.
It's simple. If it doesn't bring you joy and isn't something you have to do, then don't do it
No more people pleasing and realising that no is actually a complete sentence.
"
Simple enough. I know I have to compromise with things at home and time available though. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"This year I'm just continuing to work on verbalising my needs instead of internalising them. I've still got a way to go 💜"
This is exactly the key for me. I’ve always been terrible at putting myself first not because I’m such an unimpeachable altruist but largely because I’m battling through so many layers of shame or whatnot about what I actually want. Fuck that, that doesn’t help anyone and it’s time for that to change. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
You can’t fool me. You’re not sexually active. 