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The cruel reality of swinging!
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So, I visited two clubs yesterday. It can be pretty cruel for us all.
There's no doubt about it, men are more willing to swing rather than women. The majority of my female friends in the real world are happily celibate. It's clearly a different story for men.
If you're a man, it must be awful hanging around en-mass at a club waiting for a woman to turn up. Then if/when a woman does turn up, there's the feeling of being one of many - something that we'd hate as women. They know they're not in demand and can be easily rejected and that must be awful.
For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move.
I didn't play in either of the clubs last night, and I guess I went into a sulk.
How is this situation for you? I'm interested in male and female perspectives of clubs. X |
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A lot of guys just don't know where to start. A minority of women have us now scared to approach a woman in case we come as creepy or weird. It's a tough one for us guys but at the same time a minority of men have scuppered it for the rest of us. Bit of a double edge sword for the "unicorns" |
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I've never been to a swinger's club but speaking generally, men don't like making the first move out of fear of coming across as too sexually agressive, creepy or/and desperate.
A lot of men nowadays need bright neon signs saying "I'm interested" before making a move. |
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By *egoMan 4 weeks ago
Preston |
I only ever go as a couple, we aren't a couple but it maintains balance and we bounce off each other.
If a lady/couple likes the look of me, they approach myself or her. Unless its a greedy girl event, i don’t think single males should really go. And thats why costs are made for that. |
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"So, I visited two clubs yesterday. It can be pretty cruel for us all.
There's no doubt about it, men are more willing to swing rather than women. The majority of my female friends in the real world are happily celibate. It's clearly a different story for men.
If you're a man, it must be awful hanging around en-mass at a club waiting for a woman to turn up. Then if/when a woman does turn up, there's the feeling of being one of many - something that we'd hate as women. They know they're not in demand and can be easily rejected and that must be awful.
For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move.
I didn't play in either of the clubs last night, and I guess I went into a sulk.
How is this situation for you? I'm interested in male and female perspectives of clubs. X"
You could always make the first move?...the hotter guys probably have more choice of women so don't feel they have to where as the creepy guys probably try it on with everyone and eventually they get a yes. |
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I think now at this stage of my (Fab) and 'normal' life, I would approach a guy I fancied.
What have I got to lose? Nothing.
The men do outweigh the women and this isnt always a good thing for us women. I get that. |
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"So, I visited two clubs yesterday. It can be pretty cruel for us all.
There's no doubt about it, men are more willing to swing rather than women. The majority of my female friends in the real world are happily celibate. It's clearly a different story for men.
If you're a man, it must be awful hanging around en-mass at a club waiting for a woman to turn up. Then if/when a woman does turn up, there's the feeling of being one of many - something that we'd hate as women. They know they're not in demand and can be easily rejected and that must be awful.
For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move.
I didn't play in either of the clubs last night, and I guess I went into a sulk.
How is this situation for you? I'm interested in male and female perspectives of clubs. X
You could always make the first move?...the hotter guys probably have more choice of women so don't feel they have to where as the creepy guys probably try it on with everyone and eventually they get a yes."
I guess we're hypocritical. As women, I suppose we think "why should I make the move?". I don't know. Ultimately, I don't want rejection. Although it's fine for us women to reject 10 guys. I don't know. I don't understand it myself tbh. |
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"I think now at this stage of my (Fab) and 'normal' life, I would approach a guy I fancied.
What have I got to lose? Nothing.
The men do outweigh the women and this isnt always a good thing for us women. I get that. "
I thought about it a bit more. Do I want there to be lots of men? Do I like being outnumbered? Yes and yes... Do I like the attention? Yes...
I don't know. It's like when I'm in there, I want the man to do everything, but if a man does do everything, if he does try, then I'm no longer attracted to him. 🤷♂️ |
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"A lot of guys just don't know where to start. A minority of women have us now scared to approach a woman in case we come as creepy or weird. It's a tough one for us guys but at the same time a minority of men have scuppered it for the rest of us. Bit of a double edge sword for the "unicorns""
This is true, although strange given the venue.
For me, it's the competition that saps the desire to compete having never been interested in "the rutting".
Maybe turn the tables OP and take the lead with the ones you like, unless part of your desire is to be approached.
It's all far too complicated these days. Maybe moving beyond the caveman-clubbing isn't actually progress.
PS, I feel I need to point out that was a joke given how triggered some people are. Clearly I'm not advocating clubbing as there are much more civilised options to render your prey unconscious. |
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"So, I visited two clubs yesterday. It can be pretty cruel for us all.
There's no doubt about it, men are more willing to swing rather than women. The majority of my female friends in the real world are happily celibate. It's clearly a different story for men.
If you're a man, it must be awful hanging around en-mass at a club waiting for a woman to turn up. Then if/when a woman does turn up, there's the feeling of being one of many - something that we'd hate as women. They know they're not in demand and can be easily rejected and that must be awful.
For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move.
I didn't play in either of the clubs last night, and I guess I went into a sulk.
How is this situation for you? I'm interested in male and female perspectives of clubs. X"
Some women need to be better at the ‘handkerchief drop’ - providing an indication that they would like to be approached. Some men need to get better at their approach game… |
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"I think now at this stage of my (Fab) and 'normal' life, I would approach a guy I fancied.
What have I got to lose? Nothing.
The men do outweigh the women and this isnt always a good thing for us women. I get that.
I thought about it a bit more. Do I want there to be lots of men? Do I like being outnumbered? Yes and yes... Do I like the attention? Yes...
I don't know. It's like when I'm in there, I want the man to do everything, but if a man does do everything, if he does try, then I'm no longer attracted to him. 🤷♂️"
I feel its empowering to approach a guy and tell him you fancy him. It is daunting for me but I dont see why he should have to make a move first. F@ck it, go for it.
I too like being outnumbered. Like the attention also. |
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"I think now at this stage of my (Fab) and 'normal' life, I would approach a guy I fancied.
What have I got to lose? Nothing.
The men do outweigh the women and this isnt always a good thing for us women. I get that.
I thought about it a bit more. Do I want there to be lots of men? Do I like being outnumbered? Yes and yes... Do I like the attention? Yes...
I don't know. It's like when I'm in there, I want the man to do everything, but if a man does do everything, if he does try, then I'm no longer attracted to him. 🤷♂️
I feel its empowering to approach a guy and tell him you fancy him. It is daunting for me but I dont see why he should have to make a move first. F@ck it, go for it.
I too like being outnumbered. Like the attention also. "
Would it absolutely destroy you though if he rejected? |
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"I think now at this stage of my (Fab) and 'normal' life, I would approach a guy I fancied.
What have I got to lose? Nothing.
The men do outweigh the women and this isnt always a good thing for us women. I get that.
I thought about it a bit more. Do I want there to be lots of men? Do I like being outnumbered? Yes and yes... Do I like the attention? Yes...
I don't know. It's like when I'm in there, I want the man to do everything, but if a man does do everything, if he does try, then I'm no longer attracted to him. 🤷♂️
I feel its empowering to approach a guy and tell him you fancy him. It is daunting for me but I dont see why he should have to make a move first. F@ck it, go for it.
I too like being outnumbered. Like the attention also.
Would it absolutely destroy you though if he rejected?"
I think you just answered your initial question with this statement. Some people can't handle rejection very well. |
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It’s been many years since i have been to a club but from what i have heard it’s still the same.
More men than women and guys get charged more etc.
It’s the same situation as on here the amount of guys to women ratio is massively unbalanced and there are a lot “creepy guys” who see the women as easy then get arsey when rejected also don’t respect boundaries.
Women get tons of offers but trying to find suitable ones is difficult to say the least.
I only went to clubs as a plus 1 or with a FWB so avoided the issues you speak of but I can see where you’re coming from. |
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My general dating life has been vastly improved by learning to just suck it up and make that move.
Does rejection suck? Of course it does. But at least then I have an answer, even if it's not the one I'd hoped for, rather than moping around waiting for someone I'm into to do the legwork as if I'm a prize to be worked for. Because you're right, when someone really does try and you've got your walls up it does start to be perceived as needy and desperate. Which then makes them stop seeming hot. Why would I want to do that?
Shy and awkward as fuck when I first started doing it. But these days I'm pretty comfortable with "Please may I chóke on your dick now" as a blunt way to express that I would like to progress past flirting 💜 |
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Some of the German clubs we used to visit would give out fluorescent wrist bands.
Different colours would have different meanings.
The colours could vary from club to club but usually Green open to anything, Yellow interested but tread softly, Blue or pink into Bi fun and Red just here for the social.
It wasn't foolproof but it seemed to work.
Some even changed their band as the night went on. Seen a few change from red to green.  |
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We've been to clubs now for 2 years....maybe slightly longer.
Still never met anyone and done anything in them, apart from with each other.
Maybe 2025 will be our year.
There's far more confident men in these places than me, so it always significantly reduces my chances.
|
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I've never really had a problem at clubs, but I think that's because I'm not really going to fuck (unless I'm with someone, or meeting someone there). If I'm by myself then I'm gonna see if there's anyone interesting to talk to in the lounge, or spend some time in the sauna/steam rooms, or if there's something/someone interesting to watch that's obviously exhibitionist in nature.
When I see guys at clubs sitting there waiting for something to happen I try to strike up a conversation with them because they're probably just out of their element; some don't like it but others do and it tends to make the atmosphere less creepy if guys are socialising with each other rather than focusing on the women (given the ratios). It also makes play later (e.g. a gangbang) less awkward and easier to develop into.
Obviously it all depends on the night and the location, and one person's "creepy" is another person's "primal", e.g. in BGHS there was always a more silent feel and communication was much more by body language between naked people, so you're not going to be the gregarious kind in those spaces.
Ultimately when the fun stops, stop and go home, but I wouldn't feel sorry for the guys. |
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"Some of the German clubs we used to visit would give out fluorescent wrist bands.
Different colours would have different meanings.
The colours could vary from club to club but usually Green open to anything, Yellow interested but tread softly, Blue or pink into Bi fun and Red just here for the social.
It wasn't foolproof but it seemed to work.
Some even changed their band as the night went on. Seen a few change from red to green. "
That's pretty clever. |
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"My general dating life has been vastly improved by learning to just suck it up and make that move.
Does rejection suck? Of course it does. But at least then I have an answer, even if it's not the one I'd hoped for, rather than moping around waiting for someone I'm into to do the legwork as if I'm a prize to be worked for. Because you're right, when someone really does try and you've got your walls up it does start to be perceived as needy and desperate. Which then makes them stop seeming hot. Why would I want to do that?
Shy and awkward as fuck when I first started doing it. But these days I'm pretty comfortable with "Please may I chóke on your dick now" as a blunt way to express that I would like to progress past flirting 💜"
"Please may I chóke on your dick now"
That really has to be the winner of chat up line of the month, nay year. |
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Matty strikes a good point.I am a newbie in all contexts to this scene.The way ray describes it,makes it sound bad for both sexes!.I really don't want to be eyeing up a lone female with a multitude of others.Don't people mix and talk!?,I thought it would be easier looking for a no strings relationship but trying to establish some sort of common ground seems quite far off right now.If it is as you say I would definitely find it very hard to chat.I imagined people would be very at ease but ray doesn't paint that picture. |
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"And this gives woman the god complex, if it was evenly matched the ogres that turn down the men wouldn’t get a look in "
Hang on a minute. Am I supposed to be saying yes to every man who wants his dick sucked? |
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"And this gives woman the god complex, if it was evenly matched the ogres that turn down the men wouldn’t get a look in
Hang on a minute. Am I supposed to be saying yes to every man who wants his dick sucked?"
And accepting that they're only approaching your ogrish self because there aren't any better options available 💜 |
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I appreciate your candid thoughts and observations. As a man, I find the dynamics in clubs quite intriguing and sometimes challenging. I definitely see how it can seem like men are more eager to make moves, but I think it's often because we're trying to navigate the tricky balance between showing interest and not coming off as too forward or desperate.
The experience of waiting for the right connection can indeed be a bit daunting, especially when you're hoping to make a genuine connection rather than just being seen as part of the crowd. I understand that, from a woman's perspective, it might seem like you have the upper hand in choosing, but I can imagine that comes with its own set of challenges, especially when the attention you receive isn't always from those you're interested in.
For me, it's all about trying to be respectful and genuine. I believe that real connections happen when both people feel comfortable and are being themselves. It might take a bit more patience and effort, but it's worth it in the end. I really appreciate hearing your perspective, and it helps to understand the different experiences people have in these settings. Thanks for sharing! |
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"I think now at this stage of my (Fab) and 'normal' life, I would approach a guy I fancied.
What have I got to lose? Nothing.
The men do outweigh the women and this isnt always a good thing for us women. I get that.
I thought about it a bit more. Do I want there to be lots of men? Do I like being outnumbered? Yes and yes... Do I like the attention? Yes...
I don't know. It's like when I'm in there, I want the man to do everything, but if a man does do everything, if he does try, then I'm no longer attracted to him. 🤷♂️
I feel its empowering to approach a guy and tell him you fancy him. It is daunting for me but I dont see why he should have to make a move first. F@ck it, go for it.
I too like being outnumbered. Like the attention also.
Would it absolutely destroy you though if he rejected?"
No. Each to their own. |
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Oh I got totally derailed by the " I guess we don't want to make the first move."
Clubs. Yes.
Generally, I don't go to clubs with the intention of playing with strangers. I go with friends and partners to play with and enjoy the exhibitionism and the general atmosphere. I may occasionally have some fun with someone I've already spoken to at that club before, but someone brand new that evening.
There are clubs I don't intend to go back to because they don't have sufficient policies to limit the wanking dead. Most I do go to allow a good balance of male and female in general. With the exception of girls only nights the male population is generally a little higher.
As I said earlier, if I want to play and they're not making the move, then I often do.
The most successful people I see at clubs are the ones who take it as a happy social, with added nudity and suitable places to go if you do hit it off with someone. Those going specifically to get laid often seem unhappy with the club scene 💜 |
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We have both been as singles... both go socially as the main aim... anything else an added extra. ( except when I've been doing group stuff)
As a couple we play way less than we did as singles as we get very wrapped up in each other.
As a single lady however I have noticed that the majority of guys now will wait for the lady to suggest anything... it definitely seems to have changed....
Mr used to go as a single gent and would chat and stuff and was quite successful as a guy at a club...
Even when I was going as a single lady though, it never bothered me if I didn't play at all. I'd still have a good night out.
One of the first things I say to anyone is to go with no expectations to play...
Cali |
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"For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move."
This idea of women not making a move does my head in - if you interested then come up and say hi. If you want to take it further and the guy is not reading the signals properly then tell him what you want.
This is from a guy who is abysmal at reading signals and often needs to be hit round the head with a spoon to have the “signals” pointed out.
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We love clubs personally, we swapped to only meeting in clubs as we found that easier to navigate than trying to set up private meets.
The option of play always seems to be on the table for us however, it's a rarity we take it. Though we always play together.
As a solo lady at clubs, it's much harder I've found. Similar to you, usually rhe men I'm interested in don't make moves (then message the next day to say they wished we'd have gotten to play) and the ones I'm not, stick to you like a rash. It's meant I no longer attend solo sadly |
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By *sWyldWoman 4 weeks ago
Edinburgh |
I'm far too old and impatient to wait on anyone making a move on me. I would send a message on here, I would say hello if in person.
Sure they might not be interested, that's often the case actually but at least I'd know I didn't hide away.
Equally I'm not offended by those who do and I'm not ever going to be with someone I don't fancy.
Life, dating, fab, it's just what you make it.
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By *agic.MMan 4 weeks ago
Orpington |
Giving consent non-verbally is not easy...so that's always gonna be awkward in a club environment. Also it's 2024 (might I say almost 2025) and the concensus is that anything men can do, women can do too...except approaching the opposite sex it appears 🤔 |
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I've not been to a club as a single yet. But I've noticed that we have a much better time when we plan to go with people we know. That can be people we've met at that same club before. Also, events that have a pre-event chat seem to work very well for us. |
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By *ags73Man 4 weeks ago
glasgow-ish |
It’s a night out, escape for normal for me.
I don’t expect anything to happen and quite often just been chatting to people without anything else and that’s okay too.
Seen and learned some stuff too.
I have thought I should be more forward but it’s all a learning curve for now.
Love to be out tonight but I can’t and that’s just the way it goes. |
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Blimey. Clubs are not there for men to get their rocks off. They are first and foremost social clubs, and every club owner will attest to that. The only difference between a swingers club and a vanilla club is that there are playrooms available. The most successful people at any club are those who are friendly and sociable. |
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"My general dating life has been vastly improved by learning to just suck it up and make that move.
Does rejection suck? Of course it does. But at least then I have an answer, even if it's not the one I'd hoped for, rather than moping around waiting for someone I'm into to do the legwork as if I'm a prize to be worked for. Because you're right, when someone really does try and you've got your walls up it does start to be perceived as needy and desperate. Which then makes them stop seeming hot. Why would I want to do that?
Shy and awkward as fuck when I first started doing it. But these days I'm pretty comfortable with "Please may I chóke on your dick now" as a blunt way to express that I would like to progress past flirting 💜"
Haha, yes. That's how I feel really. Why are we like this though? It's so hypocritical. |
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"We've been to clubs now for 2 years....maybe slightly longer.
Still never met anyone and done anything in them, apart from with each other.
Maybe 2025 will be our year.
There's far more confident men in these places than me, so it always significantly reduces my chances.
"
Yes! It's a minefield!
What do I want? A confident man! What do I avoid at all costs? Confident men.
 |
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"Haha, yes. That's how I feel really. Why are we like this though? It's so hypocritical."
Conditioned femininity. It's too masculine to go for what you want. Men don't want strong women. Etc.
Once you start working out what's holding you back and why you can challenge it more 💜 |
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"And this gives woman the god complex, if it was evenly matched the ogres that turn down the men wouldn’t get a look in
Hang on a minute. Am I supposed to be saying yes to every man who wants his dick sucked?
And accepting that they're only approaching your ogrish self because there aren't any better options available 💜"
Yes!!!
So if you're one of only two women, and they've paid £40, you know that they're only paying attention because there's nobody else there. 🤷♂️ |
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By *ee69Man 4 weeks ago
glasgow |
"A lot of guys just don't know where to start. A minority of women have us now scared to approach a woman in case we come as creepy or weird. It's a tough one for us guys but at the same time a minority of men have scuppered it for the rest of us. Bit of a double edge sword for the "unicorns""
Would agree a have not attended a club since my early twenties I’m 41 now doubt it has changed much |
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"I wouldn’t make the first move because
A) I don’t know what I’m doing
B) I assume everyone is not interested until they expressly tell me otherwise… even then I’m dubious "
Yes, I understand that |
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By *an8iMan 4 weeks ago
Bilston |
We used to go to clubs as a couple but now I'm starting to go on my own I'm worried about being the stereotypical single male, it's hard enough just getting a reply on here so God knows how it would be approaching a couple or single lady in a club. |
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By *adawacoMan 4 weeks ago
south shields |
Thankyou for bringing this subject up.
It's one of the reasons why I don't think I'll be attending a party/meet/club, it's a sausage fest and the competition to get what you're ultimately here on this site to find is too much.
The hundreds of likes on pictures is off-putting to me because I automatically assume the inbox is going to be rammed with messages and a woman somewhere is feeling burnt out replying to them, so I tend to feel burnt out also.
I've waited quite a while on this site and I've not had any luck so far so I feel like it's a lost cause but it is what it is 😁
(Sorry for the rant) |
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I haven't got a lot to say on clubs other than I've had a some good experiences there, when the mood has taken us in a couple. I don't think it's my thing as a single man. I enjoy getting to know someone a bit more, before having sex with them, so the convenience of a playroom a few steps away doesn't really figure into the equation for me.
I will say though, in my experience there are women who are everything from willing to make an initial approach - to desirous of it. Often it's not even clear who did, or even a matter that we consider further. If we hit it off and are enjoying our time together, that appears to be what's relevant.
Rejection is not pleasant for anyone, I don't think. Sometimes it's a lack of attraction, other times it's just a compatibility thing, or even circumstances. Someone not wanting to fuck me in a club, within 10 minutes of meeting me, is not the kind of rejection that is likely to bother me. When there's something a little special there, but we've both got the wisdom to realise it's not going to work - that's the stuff that can hurt a bit. The loss of something that feels meaningful or could be. That stuff takes more courage than making a move in a swingers club, in my opinion. |
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"Thankyou for bringing this subject up.
It's one of the reasons why I don't think I'll be attending a party/meet/club, it's a sausage fest and the competition to get what you're ultimately here on this site to find is too much.
The hundreds of likes on pictures is off-putting to me because I automatically assume the inbox is going to be rammed with messages and a woman somewhere is feeling burnt out replying to them, so I tend to feel burnt out also.
I've waited quite a while on this site and I've not had any luck so far so I feel like it's a lost cause but it is what it is 😁
(Sorry for the rant)"
The clubs aren't sausage fests as such. It's a diminished representation of fab. I think maybe here the ratios are 50:10:1 or something. Clubs are more like 10:5:1 I'd say. The numbers are restricted by the club owners and by the pricing.
We don't reply to hundreds of messages either. I used to get 300 a day when I created this profile. I had to restrict people with filters. Also, of the 300 messages a day, at least 270 were boring as hell. "Hey babe, what are you up to?" or something completely unimaginative.
I wouldn't say I'm burnt out. I just ignore. |
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By *abluesbabyMan 4 weeks ago
Gibraltar/Cheshire/London |
"Some of the German clubs we used to visit would give out fluorescent wrist bands.
Different colours would have different meanings.
The colours could vary from club to club but usually Green open to anything, Yellow interested but tread softly, Blue or pink into Bi fun and Red just here for the social.
It wasn't foolproof but it seemed to work.
Some even changed their band as the night went on. Seen a few change from red to green. "
This.
Its one of the major reasons why I haven't frequented UK clubs for years now. The colour coded "traffic light" wristband system works so well, but, for some reason UK clubs (or none I've been to/aware of) refuse to adopt it.
Is it perfect? No, course not, nothing is. But clubs abroad are, albeit in my humble opinion, light years ahead of their UK counterparts. However, their owners, and often regular clientele for that matter, vehemently dislike myself and others pointing this out. |
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I treat Fab like Bumble I Let the woman or couple make the first move whether it be wink or message.
It definitely doesn't happen often but I still enjoy the forum and all the amazing pics and vids.
Having a thick skin is a must! |
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I feel that in the case that there are more men than women available when at a club, it would be safest for the woman to make the first move. I will probably get stick for saying this, but men have been so beaten down within the lifestyle and told to "behave themselves" that they are too scared to make a move most of the time. It's kind of a "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation!. The more respectful men don't come across as too eager and the ones who try too hard are seen as creepy. I feel in this case it would be best for the lady to give consent, it seems that the lifestyle is so heavily geared towards single females and making sure they feel safe that it only seems fair for the lady to make the first move as a result. Just my opinion so don't come at me! Lol.
Mrs x |
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By *ags73Man 4 weeks ago
glasgow-ish |
"Some of the German clubs we used to visit would give out fluorescent wrist bands.
Different colours would have different meanings.
The colours could vary from club to club but usually Green open to anything, Yellow interested but tread softly, Blue or pink into Bi fun and Red just here for the social.
It wasn't foolproof but it seemed to work.
Some even changed their band as the night went on. Seen a few change from red to green.
This.
Its one of the major reasons why I haven't frequented UK clubs for years now. The colour coded "traffic light" wristband system works so well, but, for some reason UK clubs (or none I've been to/aware of) refuse to adopt it.
Is it perfect? No, course not, nothing is. But clubs abroad are, albeit in my humble opinion, light years ahead of their UK counterparts. However, their owners, and often regular clientele for that matter, vehemently dislike myself and others pointing this out."
I’m thinking shagtags like some discos had in 90s |
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By *an8iMan 4 weeks ago
Bilston |
"I feel that in the case that there are more men than women available when at a club, it would be safest for the woman to make the first move. I will probably get stick for saying this, but men have been so beaten down within the lifestyle and told to "behave themselves" that they are too scared to make a move most of the time. It's kind of a "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation!. The more respectful men don't come across as too eager and the ones who try too hard are seen as creepy. I feel in this case it would be best for the lady to give consent, it seems that the lifestyle is so heavily geared towards single females and making sure they feel safe that it only seems fair for the lady to make the first move as a result. Just my opinion so don't come at me! Lol.
Mrs x"
it would be easier, I'm fairly shy when meeting new people so it would be good if the ladies made the first move so you knew they are interested to chat |
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By *abbit48Man 4 weeks ago
Catterick Garrison |
As a not to attractive overweight older guy the club scene would be pointless. I'm lucky enough to have a gorgeous partner who is not only my mistress but enjoys using ths clubs dungeon equipment on me.
I wouldn't dare make the first move on my own. A lack of self confidence more than anything else |
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"As a not to attractive overweight older guy the club scene would be pointless. I'm lucky enough to have a gorgeous partner who is not only my mistress but enjoys using ths clubs dungeon equipment on me.
I wouldn't dare make the first move on my own. A lack of self confidence more than anything else"
I wouldn't say you was that overweight, more robust! Lol. there's a large proportion of women who find larger men attractive and I'm one of tuem. Don't sell yourself short x
Mrs x
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Our main issue with clubs can be the sense of entitlement. Too many people think either a) I’ve paid, therefore I’m owed some action or b) treat people there for their own amusement (for example we've had a running commentary of why doesn't she do this, do that etc) |
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"A lot of guys just don't know where to start. A minority of women have us now scared to approach a woman in case we come as creepy or weird. It's a tough one for us guys but at the same time a minority of men have scuppered it for the rest of us. Bit of a double edge sword for the "unicorns""
If you aren't creepy or weird, then you should know how to approach a woman without her thinking that. |
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First of all it's fair to say not all clubs/days have the same mix or vibe when it comes to men and women.
I can share my experience as single guy on the club scene (as I started as a single and occasionally go alone). I agree in general what you identity (again to different extents depending on the club). It's hard for single guys.
However I would say many who are there for single guys know what they are looking for. They try to avoid the pushy, obnoxious, creepy guys (although not always so easy with the persistent or tone death ones). The guys who disproportionately do well in clubs are the decent guys that can read the room, hold good conversation and have something about them (plus being easy on the eye don't harm). But being a decent guy alone will get you no where. You can just sit in the corner being a respectful nice guy and wait for it to come to you. You also have to create opportunities for eye contact and finding the appropriate timing to say helo (big part of where reading the room comes in).
As a couple I'd say the picture looks the same from our side of the fence. We can see the guys we're not intrested in. The pushy, the obnoxious, the creepy. We can see the guys who are perfectly fine gentlemen but don't seem to have anything about them (for us). And then there are those guys who are just overall good eggs who are respectful, great to talk to and have something about them. And they tend to be guys who likewise go down well with other in the club.
I would just say to any single guy in a club be your own man, don't be a creep and don't roll with the wanking dead.
Mr |
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By *enk15Man 4 weeks ago
Evesham |
"I feel that in the case that there are more men than women available when at a club, it would be safest for the woman to make the first move. I will probably get stick for saying this, but men have been so beaten down within the lifestyle and told to "behave themselves" that they are too scared to make a move most of the time. It's kind of a "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation!. The more respectful men don't come across as too eager and the ones who try too hard are seen as creepy. I feel in this case it would be best for the lady to give consent, it seems that the lifestyle is so heavily geared towards single females and making sure they feel safe that it only seems fair for the lady to make the first move as a result. Just my opinion so don't come at me! Lol.
Mrs x"
There’s a club I’ve already ruled out visiting because their info page on their website about single males is written in a hostile way basically saying “we already label you as pests, it’s up to you to change our minds” |
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"Our main issue with clubs can be the sense of entitlement. Too many people think either a) I’ve paid, therefore I’m owed some action or b) treat people there for their own amusement (for example we've had a running commentary of why doesn't she do this, do that etc)"
You can understand them though. Guys are paying the likes of £45 and us women are often free.
You know what, I'm not even sure if it's legal! I'm pretty sure it goes against the equality act 2010. |
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"I feel that in the case that there are more men than women available when at a club, it would be safest for the woman to make the first move. I will probably get stick for saying this, but men have been so beaten down within the lifestyle and told to "behave themselves" that they are too scared to make a move most of the time. It's kind of a "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation!. The more respectful men don't come across as too eager and the ones who try too hard are seen as creepy. I feel in this case it would be best for the lady to give consent, it seems that the lifestyle is so heavily geared towards single females and making sure they feel safe that it only seems fair for the lady to make the first move as a result. Just my opinion so don't come at me! Lol.
Mrs x
There’s a club I’ve already ruled out visiting because their info page on their website about single males is written in a hostile way basically saying “we already label you as pests, it’s up to you to change our minds”"
The friend who got me into this is a great guy. He's confident, charming and the rest of it. He won't go into any clubs like that either. He also won't pay more than £35. That being said, he doesn't really need to because he charms women in supermarkets! |
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"That being said, he doesn't really need to because he charms women in supermarkets! "
And that friends is the answer for at least some of the singletons of fab? It's called the real world and it's out there waiting. Adopt a dog, go shopping with it, train it to drag it's lead in circles round shapely pairs of legs in Sainsburys🤣, join a church bell ringing club. Talk to people! It's great because there is no competition.
Disclaimer (Mr.). Too old / too ugly/ Happily married / not a great fan of clubs. No dog. |
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"I think now at this stage of my (Fab) and 'normal' life, I would approach a guy I fancied.
What have I got to lose? Nothing.
The men do outweigh the women and this isnt always a good thing for us women. I get that.
I thought about it a bit more. Do I want there to be lots of men? Do I like being outnumbered? Yes and yes... Do I like the attention? Yes...
I don't know. It's like when I'm in there, I want the man to do everything, but if a man does do everything, if he does try, then I'm no longer attracted to him. 🤷♂️
I feel its empowering to approach a guy and tell him you fancy him. It is daunting for me but I dont see why he should have to make a move first. F@ck it, go for it.
I too like being outnumbered. Like the attention also.
Would it absolutely destroy you though if he rejected?"
Men rarely reject women in that scene. Extremely rare.
The world of men and women are different, both in and out of the club. The way u perceive and act out on things, is definitely not how it is for men... Ladies that have been in the scene longer can tell you.
You can ask them how many men have rejected their moves in all their years of swinging; that will give u some answers.
Men don't have as much liberty to choose, pick, turn down and reject like our female counterparts; so lower your guns dear, and release those many hold backs u have.
You can start with me BTW; my DM is open... try and see whether I'll reject 🤣😅😂😂😂
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By *bi HaiveMan 3 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"
Men don't have as much liberty to choose, pick, turn down and reject like our female counterparts; so lower your guns dear, and release those many hold backs u have.
"
Oh we do.
I've never been to a club and got naked with anyone I wasn't interested in/attracted to.
Happy to just chat to anyone, but the day I find myself saying yes just because someone asks is the day I become celibate. 🤷♂️ |
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"So, I visited two clubs yesterday. It can be pretty cruel for us all.
There's no doubt about it, men are more willing to swing rather than women. The majority of my female friends in the real world are happily celibate. It's clearly a different story for men.
If you're a man, it must be awful hanging around en-mass at a club waiting for a woman to turn up. Then if/when a woman does turn up, there's the feeling of being one of many - something that we'd hate as women. They know they're not in demand and can be easily rejected and that must be awful.
For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move.
I didn't play in either of the clubs last night, and I guess I went into a sulk.
How is this situation for you? I'm interested in male and female perspectives of clubs. X"
Myself personally, I struggle to read signs so while I may be being friendly, and you're chatting back. I assume we're just talking, I don't want to get on the wrong side by suggesting something, which may make you think I was only being friendly to get into your knickers
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By *afkaMan 3 weeks ago
Nottingham (ish) |
""Please may I chóke on your dick now" as a blunt way to express that I would like to progress past flirting 💜"
😂 I love that line, I'm gonna use that one.
I've been in clubs a few times and been completely and utterly oblivious to advances from the ladies I was happily chatting away with until they were stripping off their clothes- then the penny finally dropped.
All the eyelash batting and subtle innuendo is fun but when it comes down to it you just have to say it straight. |
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"I don’t understand how a single bloke can be a swinger.
I thought swingers had to be 2 or more couples that swap partners. "
In the literally sense you're probably right but now it's a term applied across "the lifestle" of sexually liberal adults inviting others into their relationship, and therefore, by extension, their sexyal exploration.
IMHO...  |
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"I don’t understand how a single bloke can be a swinger.
I thought swingers had to be 2 or more couples that swap partners.
In the literally sense you're probably right but now it's a term applied across "the lifestle" of sexually liberal adults inviting others into their relationship, and therefore, by extension, their sexyal exploration.
IMHO... "
👍👍 |
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Unfortunately, this is the modern phenomenon. If a guy approaches a woman through nerves or multi faceted factor, he screws up the approach. He is deemed creepy.
Then because of this, he is put off approaching again, as he plays the reaction of the woman over again in his mind.
It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise.
It will get to the stage where men will not approach women at all. |
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By *abioMan 3 weeks ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"I don’t understand how a single bloke can be a swinger.
I thought swingers had to be 2 or more couples that swap partners. "
… and yet you look for single women 
So it a flat rule or you bending them to suit?
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By *abioMan 3 weeks ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
Anyway… to answer the OP
Here is what an old man of a certain age says to any newbie I chat to in a club….swingers are a lot of things, but mindreaders doesn’t tend to be on that list, so if you want to play with someone then at some point you are going to have to be a big boy/girl and open your mouth and chat to someone …
A chat isn’t an invitation to get into your pants/knickers.. it’s a chat! Try before you buy if you want to think of it like that!
Be the hunter, not the hunted!
I find that if someone waits on someone else to do something, then invariably nothing gets done!
I don’t see why “the hunting” so to speak is only done by one group of people, who knows what they want or like better than you! |
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"It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise."
This isn't true at all. Like, in the sense that it would not happen, and if it did then it would be something your union would support you in stopping (possibly with a nice little payout for you if it went too far). |
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"So, I visited two clubs yesterday. It can be pretty cruel for us all.
There's no doubt about it, men are more willing to swing rather than women. The majority of my female friends in the real world are happily celibate. It's clearly a different story for men.
If you're a man, it must be awful hanging around en-mass at a club waiting for a woman to turn up. Then if/when a woman does turn up, there's the feeling of being one of many - something that we'd hate as women. They know they're not in demand and can be easily rejected and that must be awful.
For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move.
I didn't play in either of the clubs last night, and I guess I went into a sulk.
How is this situation for you? I'm interested in male and female perspectives of clubs. X"
Interesting, I have been to couples nights mainly and found that most just stuck to their partner. I wonder if people are shy? Or afraid of rejection? I'm not shy. I was new to the scene so going with the flow.
But on my next visit, I will certainly talk to any ladies I like. Interesting to hear other perspectives |
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I'm a seasoned club goer. Yes there are often creepy "watch and wank" blokes there.
I like nights with plenty of men. More choice, more fun!
I'm certainly not shy and will walk over and strike up a chat with someone I like the look of. Half the time the +1 the guy brought with him "we are just FWB" will appear rapidly and start death-glaring for talking to "her" fella..... This is why it's best to attend solo, chaps!
Guys often take the start of a chat to mean a shag is on the cards and turn the conversation to sex or the playrooms ASAP which is a guaranteed way to keep my knickers ON rather than get them off 😆 |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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Please don’t give up hope. Most modern clubs, well certainly the ‘main’ one near us, is more bothered about just getting people in for socials and to buy coffee and snacks, and the atmosphere is non existent. We’d recommend somewhere like The Attic. The mood in general at clubs has changed drastically since Covid lockdowns. Not that people are still fearful, it just seems couples and women have fallen into the psychological rut of no longer wanting to engage. Keep going, it WILL change. |
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My partner & I went to a club last night.
Rest of the clientele were males, mostly younger, but none approached us.
I'm used to that, Tgirls aren't for everyone & a lot of men are shy about being seen with us.
Because of that I can't chat a guy up as I never know how it will be recieved. |
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"It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise.
This isn't true at all. Like, in the sense that it would not happen, and if it did then it would be something your union would support you in stopping (possibly with a nice little payout for you if it went too far)."
It is true or I would not have posted it. It came into force 26th Oct 2024. It is an amendment to the equality Act 2010. |
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"It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise.
This isn't true at all. Like, in the sense that it would not happen, and if it did then it would be something your union would support you in stopping (possibly with a nice little payout for you if it went too far).
It is true or I would not have posted it. It came into force 26th Oct 2024. It is an amendment to the equality Act 2010."
The same act stipulates that you cannot charge a person more for the same service based on sex - yet clubs do it! |
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I go with no expectations or agendas. No different to walking into a pub for me. I like the social aspect of it, the having a chill and a drink in a liberal environment. If I meet someone and play then great but if not then it's OK...And it's OK to not play for the sake of it as well.
I think it's easy to put pressure on yourself and feel that sex has to be an achievement, afterall that's why people go, but otherwise just go along and enjoy the atmosphere |
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"It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise.
This isn't true at all. Like, in the sense that it would not happen, and if it did then it would be something your union would support you in stopping (possibly with a nice little payout for you if it went too far).
It is true or I would not have posted it. It came into force 26th Oct 2024. It is an amendment to the equality Act 2010."
Do you mean recent legislation that mandates employers to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace? This applies to all people, not just women.
This is it: https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-protections-from-sexual-harassment-come-into-force |
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"It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise.
This isn't true at all. Like, in the sense that it would not happen, and if it did then it would be something your union would support you in stopping (possibly with a nice little payout for you if it went too far).
It is true or I would not have posted it. It came into force 26th Oct 2024. It is an amendment to the equality Act 2010."
No, that amendment doesn't do that at all. It puts a burden on the EMPLOYER to take reasonable steps to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace, and if someone accuses someone else of sexual harassment the EMPLOYER needs to prove they took reasonable steps to prevent it from happening.
Punishing an employee without due process would be a violation of their rights, and as such wouldn't be a reasonable step, and would open the employer up to another lawsuit.
(It's also worth noting that the language isn't gendered - men can be and are sexually harassed by men and women in the workplace, and the same applies to everyone)
Go and read it, and read the associated guidance from the EHRC. You've been misinformed. |
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"It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise.
This isn't true at all. Like, in the sense that it would not happen, and if it did then it would be something your union would support you in stopping (possibly with a nice little payout for you if it went too far).
It is true or I would not have posted it. It came into force 26th Oct 2024. It is an amendment to the equality Act 2010.
The same act stipulates that you cannot charge a person more for the same service based on sex - yet clubs do it! "
The law doesn't apply to members of private clubs, which most swingers clubs are set up as (it still applies to employees of private clubs). |
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"It is also coming into the workplace, as if you approach a woman at work, say for a date and she doesn’t like your approach or deems it creepy. She can accuse you of sexual harassment. It is up to the male to prove this didn’t happen. Guilty until you can prove otherwise.
This isn't true at all. Like, in the sense that it would not happen, and if it did then it would be something your union would support you in stopping (possibly with a nice little payout for you if it went too far).
It is true or I would not have posted it. It came into force 26th Oct 2024. It is an amendment to the equality Act 2010.
The same act stipulates that you cannot charge a person more for the same service based on sex - yet clubs do it!
The law doesn't apply to members of private clubs, which most swingers clubs are set up as (it still applies to employees of private clubs)."
Where did you read that? It's not true. The law absolutely does apply to members of private clubs AND to guests also!
Swingers clubs are on dodgy ground. The only saving grace that they have is the protection of women.
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a78f58340f0b62b22cbe26d/private-clubs.pdf |
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"It will get to the stage where men will not approach women at all. "
Maybe this is what should happen, let woman pick and choose who they wish to play with, without fear of a over handsy man, who is hard of hearing approaching her. |
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By *HUSH-Man 3 weeks ago
London |
"It will get to the stage where men will not approach women at all.
Maybe this is what should happen, let woman pick and choose who they wish to play with, without fear of a over handsy man, who is hard of hearing approaching her. "
Milling Mittens has this policy of women approaching men. Perhaps all clubs should implement it. 🤔 |
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"So, I visited two clubs yesterday. It can be pretty cruel for us all.
There's no doubt about it, men are more willing to swing rather than women. The majority of my female friends in the real world are happily celibate. It's clearly a different story for men.
If you're a man, it must be awful hanging around en-mass at a club waiting for a woman to turn up. Then if/when a woman does turn up, there's the feeling of being one of many - something that we'd hate as women. They know they're not in demand and can be easily rejected and that must be awful.
For us, we can pick and choose, but it's not necessarily a better story. Why do the ones I want not make the effort? They may come to talk but won't make any "moves" or show any commitment, whereas the more creepier guys who I'm not interested in will make moves.
If a guy comes across as desperate or tries too hard, then he's instantly not attractive. If he doesn't bother at all, he can be attractive but obviously nothing can happen because I guess we don't want to make the first move.
I didn't play in either of the clubs last night, and I guess I went into a sulk.
How is this situation for you? I'm interested in male and female perspectives of clubs. X"
This whole statement for me sums up why I’m so not that interested in clubs as a single man.
On top of the expense of the club, I have childcare fees and transport costs… it all stacks up, then to have the experience of the blokes described above… nah. I’m alright. |
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"It is true or I would not have posted it. It came into force 26th Oct 2024. It is an amendment to the equality Act 2010.
The same act stipulates that you cannot charge a person more for the same service based on sex - yet clubs do it!
The law doesn't apply to members of private clubs, which most swingers clubs are set up as (it still applies to employees of private clubs).
Where did you read that? It's not true. The law absolutely does apply to members of private clubs AND to guests also!
Swingers clubs are on dodgy ground. The only saving grace that they have is the protection of women.
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a78f58340f0b62b22cbe26d/private-clubs.pdf"
The amendment he's referring to doesn't apply to members of private clubs, it places a responsibility on employers towards employees (not members) to take reasonable steps in preventing sexual harassment in the workplace.
On the wider act.. I'm reasonably sure you're still wrong. The guide you reference is simplistic and doesn't tackle swingers clubs (..not a surprise) but does hint at why swingers clubs can still discriminate based on protected characteristics - because they're pertinent to the service provided. You can have discriminatory pricing for services for the same reason you can have a woman-only tournament at your golf club, essentially.
You can read the act to validate my thinking - but also, if you think I'm wrong, I'm sure there's a nice little earner in there (and a fair few solicitors out there willing to take a cut of the winnings).
(For clarity, I would prefer that pricing weren't discriminatory. I'm just talking about the law, not my opinion on what the law should be) |
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I havent been to a club in ages as other life priorities took effect but when i used to go Id kinda see going to clubs like a cross between speed dating and a social that could be more later or maybe not, but either way, pop in say hi to people as people, mingle, have a laugh, splash out the banter, see how the convos flow without being clingie, if there is someone you relate to, the convo will naturally flow, if you have a laugh, that's most of your night made right there.
If you go in with expectation or entitlement, it rarely leads to a fun night.
Enjoy. |
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