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Living with an alcoholic wife
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By *2019emma OP Man 11 weeks ago
Carrick On Shannon |
Evening all... are any of you fine people living with a functioning alcoholic wife. Every night after work she drinks herself silly... worse still she gets very aggressive with drink on board. Easily polishes off 2 bottles of wine followed by gin or cider. I'm at my wits end here... complete shambles
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"Evening all... are any of you fine people living with a functioning alcoholic wife. Every night after work she drinks herself silly... worse still she gets very aggressive with drink on board. Easily polishes off 2 bottles of wine followed by gin or cider. I'm at my wits end here... complete shambles
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My heart goes out to you, but I feel that this is perhaps an issue to bring to a therapist rather than the Fab forums. I'm not sure how much helpful advice you're likely to get here.
Personally I can relate somewhat as my mum used to be a terrible alcoholic and it was really difficult to live with, but she ended up pulling herself out of that so I'm not sure what I could usefully suggest from the experience. |
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"I have tried... complete denial... stops for an evening or so and back as bad as ever.. thinks I need the counselling not her.."
Have you spoken to her family or friends to see if they can help support her through healing? |
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I'm so sorry op, sending you love and a massive hug.
I lived with alcoholism through a deceased relative and it's hell.
They've got to want to change, my relative didn't sadly, hence why they are no longer here.
Please make sure you're getting help for yourself as it takes such a toll on your mental health too.
Are there any support groups close by you could speak to?.
Do you have any friends or family to help you at all?. |
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"Do you have any idea *why* she's drinking so much? Is there a particular stressor at work or home you think she might be trying to escape from?"
This was my thought too. This sounds like a coping mechanism rather than alcoholism. |
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By *4bimMan 11 weeks ago
Farnborough Hampshire |
im sorry to hear this.
i have a family member who drinks heavily and uses drugs.
they have taken things from my mum to fund their habit and been in and out of hospital many times due to liver failure.
she is also almost blind from the drink and wears the most god awful thick glasses.
not even 50 but fucked and i mean really fucked.
i had to pay off over 4k in debt after she convinced my mum to take out a credit card for her.
within a week of her getting that card the front room was stacked floor to ceiling in boxes of stella.
im sorry to tell you mate you cant help them.
shes been dried out over and over, first thing she does once out is crack up a can of beer.
you honestly cant help them. its them that has to want to stop.
now we have nothing to do with her due to her problems and the impact it has on others. i do not let her near my mums home and i watch the money.
god bless you mate. its horrible, i know.
good luck
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"Do you have any idea *why* she's drinking so much? Is there a particular stressor at work or home you think she might be trying to escape from?
This was my thought too. This sounds like a coping mechanism rather than alcoholism. "
Yeah, especially if it's new behaviour and is usually happening after a long work day. |
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"Evening all... are any of you fine people living with a functioning alcoholic wife. Every night after work she drinks herself silly... worse still she gets very aggressive with drink on board. Easily polishes off 2 bottles of wine followed by gin or cider. I'm at my wits end here... complete shambles
"
Until or unless she accepts that she has a problem and is willing to get help, sadly there's little you can do.
You should consider speaking to someone yourself for some proper support though. |
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sorry to hear your troubles, have you thought that there could be some underlying problems that are not helping with the situation?
you can approach the alcohol support agencies, google for the ones in your area and they will be able to advise you and support you moving forward. its a long hard road though. good luck xx |
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You gotta decide if you will stay and watch what will happen. Are there kids around? It’s possible it won’t stop until / unless it gets really bad, far worse than you can imagine, that could be 10 or 20 years ahead. Even with all the help and support available most cannot stop. |
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2 thoughts OP.
1. She is using this as a coping mechanism for a level of stress which is at critical levels. Consider talking to her to understand if work or other things are becoming unbearable.
2. The uncomfortable one. The drinking is to blot you out when she gets home. Ask yourself if your relationship is healthy and you are both happy. |
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I did for a number of years, it was more symptomatic of her personality disorder, but she took it to quite an extreme, vodka straight. It was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching at times.
Her acknowledging she has an issue has to come first. That alcohol is the problem, not the solution. Find out what services are available locally, so you are ready to get support with some immediacy when those moments occur. Therapists are good, especially if there are waiting lists, but make sure it's one experienced with addiction it's quite a specialist area to work with.
Heart goes out to you, I hope you have support yourself, it's an emotional rollercoaster.  |
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You say she's functioning op. Is she getting up for work and doing her job properly, driving herself to work in the morning while there's still alcohol in her blood, how is she funding the cost of the drink? |
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"Ishe took it to quite an extreme, vodka straight. It was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching at times.
"
Always surprise me how people imagine alcoholism progresses, unless you are living with someone it’s hard to imagine what goes on. That’s not extreme that’s typical
1-2Ltrs of vodka most days when conscious isn’t unusual |
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I've just come out the other end of this with my mother OP, she finally admitted she had a problem and we got her into rehab.
That was 9 months ago and she hasn't looked back.
The first step here is her admitting she has a problem and wanting help, until that happens all you can really do is keep speaking to her and look after yourself first and foremost |
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Sorry to read this mate - Many years ago, I had a girlfriend like that. She was smashing without a drink but with a drink on board she was an absolute nightmare. The problem being that there was rarely a time when she didn't drink. She didn't work and would drink most days if she had the money. Eventually she had her kids, one was 7 and the other 14, taken away from her and despite my best efforts I couldn't do anything to help her so I had to walk away, as much as I loved her - I had to walk away for my own sanity, and sometimes my friend, that is the only option available. I hope and pray that she gets sorted before that happens |
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Begin Open frank (very candid dialogue, it will scare you) but do it.
Be in dialogue always. No shouting, if it elevates remove yourself come back to it. Hold firm.
You both have to work at it… again… be in dialogue you’re a partnership stems, you might not feel like it, but role model. (But be firm - love can be tough too)
Establish some very clear, unambiguous boundaries.
Begin to process your thoughts if she’s successful how do you both benefit?
How does life get better?
What are your combined goals for the end of the year?
What would they look like?
How would they feel?
If you fail, again what does it look like, how does it feel? Do you both want that? (No……??? See above)
You’re in a hard place.
She has to want to change.. if not, you my friend are going to have to change your environment. Make all the adult decisions.
My concern at the back of my mind is what’s fuelling it, grief, unhappiness, trauma, how do you address that…. Honestly, openly, lovingly, inspite of how hard having the conversation might be.
Look… I’m in the DM’s if you need. 
Big moments coming your way. |
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"Ishe took it to quite an extreme, vodka straight. It was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching at times.
Always surprise me how people imagine alcoholism progresses, unless you are living with someone it’s hard to imagine what goes on. That’s not extreme that’s typical
1-2Ltrs of vodka most days when conscious isn’t unusual "
I'm not sure what point you are making there sorry. When I say extreme, I mean the physical states she got herself into. I would have to rush her to A&E frequently. |
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