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By (user no longer on site) 38 weeks ago
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A couple of years ago when someone I really liked vanished on me. Total ghost, after months of being FWB. We called, messaged, met up and everything was going so well.
I woke up one Sunday morning, to find she had vanished from Messenger. I text, tried to call, emailed and nothing.
I completely broke down and cried non-stop for the rest of the day.
To be abandoned like that, it just made me feel like I was worthless. Like everything I had ever done meant nothing.
I didn't want to live anymore. I was ready to leave this world and just be done with being constantly fucked around by people.
I was prepared. I've tired before and I was ready to give it another go.
I still don't know what stopped me, but I decided to pack my bags and just go to the nearest hospital or mental health institution. I wanted a lobotomy, so I didn't have to feel anymore.
It still hurts, even now. I've never forgotten those that vanished, who I thought were genuinely going to be around for a long time. Some took pieces of me with them. I'll never be whole again.
My life has been one continuous adjustment to loss and it hasn't deviated from that course one little bit.
As recent as the end of last year, a friend of two years decided to try and destroy my life, after we tried FWB and it didn't work out, because I couldn't put up with her jealousy of my other (non-sexual) friends I spend time with. I was slandered, all trust betrayed, private messages and media passed around and in the process I lost a bunch of other close friends, who took her side.
Again, loss. Hers? Maybe, but definitely mine. Again.
Most days I wonder if it's all worth jumping through these hoops, but honestly that little bit of hope things like this create? I think it's the only thing really keeping me going. Otherwise I would likely just give up altogether.
Sure, I have some good friends and my sister is amazing. But they can't heal the wounds and scars I have from such a fucked-up life and a neurodivergent brain. It helps and for the most part, I stick around because I know what it would do to them, if I myself decided to ghost them.
I've actually forgotten if I answered the question by this point, but I've also been holding in a good cry today. A few moments where I thought it would come out and even as I've typed that, nothing.
Such is life. |
because I do have a chance of a good life and some happiness.
*A big hug for anyone in here that’s posted.
