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Asking someone how they are.
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By (user no longer on site) OP 44 weeks ago
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Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? |
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By *bi HaiveMan 44 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
I generally answer those kinds of questions, if they're part of a more complete message.
A simple 'Hi, how are you?' won't motivate me to respond and is a pretty lazy opening message.
Unless of course its Margot Robbie, Rihanna or Zuleyka Jerrís Rivera Mendoza. They could send a 'FAF?' and I'd be typing a reply faster than a speeding bullet.....   |
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On here, sometimes it feels a bit like a conversation starter and sometimes I don't want to start speaking to someone new.
But if I'm conversing and someone has asked me how I am, I always reciprocate. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 44 weeks ago
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"I generally answer those kinds of questions, if they're part of a more complete message.
A simple 'Hi, how are you?' won't motivate me to respond and is a pretty lazy opening message.
Unless of course its Margot Robbie, Rihanna or Zuleyka Jerrís Rivera Mendoza. They could send a 'FAF?' and I'd be typing a reply faster than a speeding bullet..... "
I don't just mean on fab. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 44 weeks ago
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"How are you op, hope you have had a great day "
I'm very rubbish today Tats, struggled to stay awake and feel like crap. But otherwise I'm fine.
How are you? |
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By (user no longer on site) 44 weeks ago
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Because sometimes you want to make sure someone is ok without them deflecting onto you. When you’ve got space for someone else sometimes you just want to be there for them. |
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By *bi HaiveMan 44 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I generally answer those kinds of questions, if they're part of a more complete message.
A simple 'Hi, how are you?' won't motivate me to respond and is a pretty lazy opening message.
Unless of course its Margot Robbie, Rihanna or Zuleyka Jerrís Rivera Mendoza. They could send a 'FAF?' and I'd be typing a reply faster than a speeding bullet.....
I don't just mean on fab."
Ahh.
In real life I'll always reply even if it's just an 'all good thanks' or 'meh'. I've not experienced anyone declining to answer when I've asked them, so couldn't comment on that.
 |
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"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? "
This is really noticeable at the supermarket checkout.
I wonder if it is part of the training package - ask the customer how they are, or how their day has been.
I always answer politely then return the question, but only rarely get an answer and I too find it annoying. |
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In the real world it seems like people no longer have the time for simple courtesys. I've noticed it too.
The world has changed so fast in such a short period of time and it's still evolving now. To many people looking down at mobile phones and ignoring the world around them |
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The answer from me is fine, unless it's someone who knows me asking for a particular reason.
I don't ask it back unless I know that they have some things going on and I am genuinely invested in how they're dealing with it. |
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"How are you op, hope you have had a great day
I'm very rubbish today Tats, struggled to stay awake and feel like crap. But otherwise I'm fine.
How are you? "
Hopefully you get a good nights keep tonight and feel much better tomorrow, I’m not too bad today. But backs a little sore from work other than that bath and relax on the cards |
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By *eliWoman 44 weeks ago
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I do that. I'm well aware of the fact I do. It's not a particularly great thing to do. Why do I do it? Because I know I'm genuinely interested in how the other person is and I'm unsure if they're politely responding or have any real interest in how I am.
I avoid questions when I feel like my answer doesn't particularly matter. Or I want to answer truthfully but I also don't want to info dump or I'm not sure I'm close enough to a person to do so.
I really should unlearn that. |
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By *apidaryMan 44 weeks ago
Chipping Norton |
Hey, how's everybody in the thread doing today?
I don't mind being asked & don't mind asking, regardless of if there's a follow up. Pleasantries aren't meant to set the world on fire, only to test the water, see if someone wants to talk or see if they don't. A neutral opening. If someone's busy or has their mind on something else, that's fine. If they want to tell me their cat as just died and they're heartbroken, that's fine too, and I'm happy to look at pictures of the cat and agree no animal was ever more noble. |
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"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? "
Tbh I do tend to avoid answering this question if im actually not good but dont want to burden the asker with my problems. If its someone im not close to i will just say im fine, but with people i am close to i will skip past answering rather than lie. X  |
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By (user no longer on site) 44 weeks ago
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This is why I don't message people anymore. A message comes through, I respond in kind showing interest in who they are, then just nothing. I hate capricious people, almost worst as liars. |
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By *ddie1966Man 44 weeks ago
Paper Town Central, Essex. |
I rarely ask "how are you" as it's kinda a closed question.
I'm more inclined to say "I hope you're well".
I think this is a more easy opening statement.
The person it's directed to shouldn't feel under pressure to answer so its an easy out with no guilt, and, if they do wish to reply then its not too personal either.
It's just, generally, a nicer opener.. |
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By (user no longer on site) 44 weeks ago
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I've avoided it or skipped over it because I didn't want to tell people stuff. I'm incapable of saying "fine" if I'm not that day. I kinda hope people don't notice or (more likely) that they didn't give a crap anyway. On here it's usually that they want to get into my knickers. |
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By (user no longer on site) 44 weeks ago
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"Or sometimes I just forget to reply to that part if they’ve told me lots about how they are"
I agree with both your posts.
Anyone in real that asks me I normally always respond with "marvelous" and then move on. |
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By *emidemiWoman 44 weeks ago
basingstoke |
I used to always just reply with “fine/ok thanks” but now I’ve started trying to be a bit more honest and open with my feelings (with people I know ofc) and not just deflect the question with a generic answer.
So like at work instead of just saying I’m fine, I’ll say “actually I’m a bit stressed with this thing” and then there’s a more open dialogue between us. |
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By (user no longer on site) 44 weeks ago
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If it is from someone I know, yes if not I ignore because it is too familiar from strangers.
Yes, when in checkout aisle I always ask them if they are okay.
Work colleague yes.
Strangers wanting to be too familiar no |
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The other day someone asked how I was and I replied “ok thanks”, there was then an air of awkwardness as I didn’t reciprocate the gesture, to break the gap in conversation I simply went on to say “I won’t ask how you are, I’m not really interested “ I find this is a great way to get out of conversations with people you don’t want to be conversing with. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 44 weeks ago
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"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer?
This is really noticeable at the supermarket checkout.
I wonder if it is part of the training package - ask the customer how they are, or how their day has been.
I always answer politely then return the question, but only rarely get an answer and I too find it annoying. "
I do too. |
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By *r_PinkMan 44 weeks ago
london stratford |
"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? "
When I feel shit, I try to dodge the question as I know most of the time, its a shallow question where people really do not want to know your problems and just wanna hear "I am ok thanks".
But that may just be me |
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"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? "
1. Because I don't want the person to know exactly how I am.
2.Because I don't want to appear vunerable.
3. It because I dint actually know how I'm feeling.
4. Because at times I'm sick and tired of talking about how I'm feeling, and just want to escape from them from a bit.
5. Because its not always about me
Mr
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By (user no longer on site) 44 weeks ago
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"
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? "
Because its mostly generic conversation drivel.
I get asked how I am fifty times a day when I speak with customers. Drives me insane. |
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If you are really interested in how someone is then ask “How are you, out of 10?”
If you’re just hoping to be asked back then don’t bother, just tell them how you are.
I’m at about 6/10 at the moment if you’re interested. |
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I have this conversation multiple times a day.
.
Customer : "Hi. How are you ?"
Me : "Fine thanks. You ?"
Customer : Fine thanks."
.
Some days, for a bit of variety it goes like this..
.
Me : "Hi. How are you ?"
Customer : "Fine thanks. You ?"
Me : Fine thanks."
.
More often than not though, I have noticed over the years, it ends up being more like this...
.
Customer : "Hi. How are you ?"
Me : "Hi, How are you ?"
.
We both wait for the other to reply. No one does. So we both go for it at the same time.
.
Me & Customer : "Fine thanks. You ?"
.
And now we are both confused.
.
We've both asked each other again how we are in our replies to each other. And yet we both know how each of us are. Yet we have been asked the question again.
.
And politeness/social conditioning/deep-seated pathological pavlovian training commands that we must respond again. Or else all will be wrong with the world.
.
So another iteration of "Fine thanks" ensues.
.
And then we both stand there. Looking at each other. Both wishing a hole would open up and swallow us, or we could retreat as quickly as possible from the complete uncomfortableness of it all.
.
Every day. Multiple times.
.
I swear the next time a customer asks me how I am, I am going to say something like,
.
"Which me are you asking ? My ID or my Shadow ?"
or
"Concentric sausages carry-on luggage Boutros Boutros-Ghali" |
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"People I know well will always get the true answer. But too often people use the question as a greeting without wanting to know the real answer. So those people will get ‘fine’ "
I've started giving a fairly honest answer. Light on the details unless I know them well enough but I'll be honest nowadays.
How are you?
I'm in a lot of pain today, actually. Thanks for asking.
How are you?
I'm really tired, I didn't sleep well.
How are you?
Feeling a bit under the weather today.
I'm fed up of pretending to always be fine when I'm not. And I think it's an unrealistic pressure in society to always put on a brave face and pretend to be fine.
I'm now of the mindset if a person doesn't want a genuine answer, they should not ask the question. I have to say I also avoid asking a general "how are you" because a) it confuses the non native speakers we work with and b) people feel this pressure to pretend. |
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If you start talking first, or are adept at turning conversations around, you often get information to move the conversation on (about the other person's world, or what was on the TV etc).
It's one of the cleverest ways to avoid talking about yourself.
Painful to observe too.
You have to be a bit "switched on" to notice people who do it on a regular basis.
And even more switched on to work out how you can get them to open up more, without any underlying "horrible stuff" rising too much for them to be able to manage it.
Plus, they have to think you're worth the investment - talking more openly leaves a huge "and now you can fuck me over if you turn into a cunt" dynamic in play.
Some people who are selling how nice they are often aren't quite as nice as their marketing is suggesting.
And some people are in such pain they don't know where, how, or with whom they can share it.
Working all that out, and what to do with it, is massively loaded with potential for disaster.
A simple "How ya doin'?" - it's a whole drama from three words if you open it up.
Not everyone's ready for it. |
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"I have this conversation multiple times a day.
.
Customer : "Hi. How are you ?"
Me : "Fine thanks. You ?"
Customer : Fine thanks."
.
Some days, for a bit of variety it goes like this..
.
Me : "Hi. How are you ?"
Customer : "Fine thanks. You ?"
Me : Fine thanks."
.
More often than not though, I have noticed over the years, it ends up being more like this...
.
Customer : "Hi. How are you ?"
Me : "Hi, How are you ?"
.
We both wait for the other to reply. No one does. So we both go for it at the same time.
.
Me & Customer : "Fine thanks. You ?"
.
And now we are both confused.
.
We've both asked each other again how we are in our replies to each other. And yet we both know how each of us are. Yet we have been asked the question again.
.
And politeness/social conditioning/deep-seated pathological pavlovian training commands that we must respond again. Or else all will be wrong with the world.
.
So another iteration of "Fine thanks" ensues.
.
And then we both stand there. Looking at each other. Both wishing a hole would open up and swallow us, or we could retreat as quickly as possible from the complete uncomfortableness of it all.
.
Every day. Multiple times.
.
I swear the next time a customer asks me how I am, I am going to say something like,
.
"Which me are you asking ? My ID or my Shadow ?"
or
"Concentric sausages carry-on luggage Boutros Boutros-Ghali""
  .
And that's the comedy version that gets us through the days easier than the tragedic version.
Brilliant .
There's always tragedy in the comedy, and comedy in the tragedy. |
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"If you start talking first, or are adept at turning conversations around, you often get information to move the conversation on (about the other person's world, or what was on the TV etc).
It's one of the cleverest ways to avoid talking about yourself.
Painful to observe too.
You have to be a bit "switched on" to notice people who do it on a regular basis.
And even more switched on to work out how you can get them to open up more, without any underlying "horrible stuff" rising too much for them to be able to manage it.
Plus, they have to think you're worth the investment - talking more openly leaves a huge "and now you can fuck me over if you turn into a cunt" dynamic in play.
Some people who are selling how nice they are often aren't quite as nice as their marketing is suggesting.
And some people are in such pain they don't know where, how, or with whom they can share it.
Working all that out, and what to do with it, is massively loaded with potential for disaster.
A simple "How ya doin'?" - it's a whole drama from three words if you open it up.
Not everyone's ready for it."
Being in pain and being on here don't really work mind |
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"If you start talking first, or are adept at turning conversations around, you often get information to move the conversation on (about the other person's world, or what was on the TV etc).
It's one of the cleverest ways to avoid talking about yourself.
Painful to observe too.
You have to be a bit "switched on" to notice people who do it on a regular basis.
And even more switched on to work out how you can get them to open up more, without any underlying "horrible stuff" rising too much for them to be able to manage it.
Plus, they have to think you're worth the investment - talking more openly leaves a huge "and now you can fuck me over if you turn into a cunt" dynamic in play.
Some people who are selling how nice they are often aren't quite as nice as their marketing is suggesting.
And some people are in such pain they don't know where, how, or with whom they can share it.
Working all that out, and what to do with it, is massively loaded with potential for disaster.
A simple "How ya doin'?" - it's a whole drama from three words if you open it up.
Not everyone's ready for it.Being in pain and being on here don't really work mind "
Unless he tore your cunt   . |
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"If you start talking first, or are adept at turning conversations around, you often get information to move the conversation on (about the other person's world, or what was on the TV etc).
It's one of the cleverest ways to avoid talking about yourself.
Painful to observe too.
You have to be a bit "switched on" to notice people who do it on a regular basis.
And even more switched on to work out how you can get them to open up more, without any underlying "horrible stuff" rising too much for them to be able to manage it.
Plus, they have to think you're worth the investment - talking more openly leaves a huge "and now you can fuck me over if you turn into a cunt" dynamic in play.
Some people who are selling how nice they are often aren't quite as nice as their marketing is suggesting.
And some people are in such pain they don't know where, how, or with whom they can share it.
Working all that out, and what to do with it, is massively loaded with potential for disaster.
A simple "How ya doin'?" - it's a whole drama from three words if you open it up.
Not everyone's ready for it.Being in pain and being on here don't really work mind
Unless he tore your cunt ."
Yes but I'd be seeking medical assistance  |
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"Not everyone's ready for it.Being in pain and being on here don't really work mind
Unless he tore your cunt .Yes but I'd be seeking medical assistance "
Agreed - but it's a great thread .
And professional, qualified assistance (if it can be afforded...don't get me started Fred ) is a great thing for any form of pain.
As is comedy, in many ways  . |
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By (user no longer on site) 44 weeks ago
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"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? "
I agree. Perhaps it could be that they find the question boring as they might receive it a lot, or that they don't want to bore others as another fab member said above. I enjoy listening to others and hearing about where they are at or what they are up to. I find humans fascinating. |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer? "
Because I don't think you'd really want to know. Plus I don't have a spare god knows how long. That's why I pay someone, they have to listen to what I've said as I've just paid them and it's in short 1hr chunks...... hurrah for therapists! |
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"Lately I've noticed that people ask how you are but when you ask them back, or maybe you asked first, they don't actually answer.
Why is that?
If I asked you how you are why would you chose to not answer?
Because I don't think you'd really want to know. Plus I don't have a spare god knows how long. That's why I pay someone, they have to listen to what I've said as I've just paid them and it's in short 1hr chunks...... hurrah for therapists!"
Hurrah indeed . |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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I dont like it, i dont like people i dont know knowing how i am. Its just a filler.. the only people who actually cares how you are already know how your feeling. |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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Just spent 3 hours with a former work mate who has MND .
Boy did we laugh so so much
out for a coffee and a sticky bun
Then another coffee and just more catch up . Meet up every couple weeks .
Thanks for asking
Fabs is good |
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It’s a weird low effort question. I try never to ask it not even to good friends. Ask something more interesting , What do you want to know ? Medical / financial summary, hopes & dreams ? Its such a stupid question to ever ask anyone and only a total fuckwit would ask it to a stranger they are hoping to impress |
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By *rigbyMan 42 weeks ago
Skelmersdale |
I recall someone writing in an article once that if you are really interested in someone's wellbeing the question should be'how are you ?' and not 'are you OK?'
The idea being that asking how are you gives the person free reign to reply however they want as opposed to are you OK which only has a positive or negative response |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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"If you start talking first, or are adept at turning conversations around, you often get information to move the conversation on (about the other person's world, or what was on the TV etc).
It's one of the cleverest ways to avoid talking about yourself.
Painful to observe too.
You have to be a bit "switched on" to notice people who do it on a regular basis.
And even more switched on to work out how you can get them to open up more, without any underlying "horrible stuff" rising too much for them to be able to manage it.
Plus, they have to think you're worth the investment - talking more openly leaves a huge "and now you can fuck me over if you turn into a cunt" dynamic in play.
Some people who are selling how nice they are often aren't quite as nice as their marketing is suggesting.
And some people are in such pain they don't know where, how, or with whom they can share it.
Working all that out, and what to do with it, is massively loaded with potential for disaster.
A simple "How ya doin'?" - it's a whole drama from three words if you open it up.
Not everyone's ready for it."
Very insightful! |
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"I usually say , I hope this message finds you well , nothing wrong with that for a starting bit "
But if it doesn't find them well? If they've just found their dog dead at home or been made redundant or stubbed their toe or heard Piers Morgan on the radio? What then? |
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"I'm honestly sick of saying "I'm ok thanks". "
I give them the whole story of how I'm feeling at that time.
They'll either care and respond, or block me because they don't need that kind of negativity in their lives.
I can't wait for people to ask me tomorrow how I am.
I've got so much to moan about |
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"I'm honestly sick of saying "I'm ok thanks".
I give them the whole story of how I'm feeling at that time.
They'll either care and respond, or block me because they don't need that kind of negativity in their lives.
I can't wait for people to ask me tomorrow how I am.
I've got so much to moan about "
So how ya doin' Nanna? I mean, I don't give a flying fuck, but some mug on here will listen to yer whinges for sure... xxxx |
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