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shaking off the ex -effect
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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20 years of a controlling and in the end violent relationship dont half take its toll and almost 8 yrs later, i still sometimes mentally react the way i used to with him and it drives me nuts - ive sat here and cried more out of anger at myself for being this way then talked myself out of that one because i know now that was just him making me that way - after a very simple and almost insignificant convo with my fella i ended up absolutely terrified that something id said would have a knock on effect - i know thats not the case but i will have to wait til tomorrow to talk to him now - suppose its just insecurities - think i will stick my head out of the window and just scream - have to say not many people i hate or wont forgive but the ex gets both in abundance -
ok rant over  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Been in that situation myself but I've learnt, ppl can only have a hold over you if you let them.. Hence why he's an ex, and no contact is needed anymore. For me it was about changing my thought process and it worked. Hope you work things out for yourself  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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thanks and to the private messages too - just recent events have brought a lot of stuff to the surface and i done the old thing of burying rather than dealing with - its getting straight in my head again slowly |
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Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
I have a fucking PSYCHO ex, and I mean that literally (found out after we split she had been seeing shrinks all her life, not all her adult life, all her life) but the fact is ***I*** put myself in harms way because of the usual reasons.
1/ it was exciting
after a while
2/ I though I could "help" them
after a while
3/ it was just an easier life to go along with that shit
worst thing I ever did to them I did by accident.
after a particularly acrimonious split where she is telling the judge what a bastard I was, I was asked to say my piece, and I said I could honestly say that I felt as though in us splitting up I had been pardoned from a life sentence.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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my wife had a controlling ex husband - he tried to control her life after he had an affair and dumped her 4 days before Christmas with 2 children. After a messy and nasty divorce he still tried to control her until the day I "snapped"...
A short little talk to him explaining the "meaning of life" and that he was just a bully and wimp changed loads in his attitude to her and to the children...
It is difficult to cross this bridge in life and to make a clean cut, children, a house, mortgage, debts, family, friends all add to the situation and if the person trying to control the other knows how to use the mentioned; then it gets worse...
But just a little legal heads up ! This is classed as "abuse" (financial) if a partner tries to control the other by restricting access to money and accounts so that they can not leave!!
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"
But just a little legal heads up ! This is classed as "abuse" (financial) if a partner tries to control the other by restricting access to money and accounts so that they can not leave!!
"
what is it called when the woman won't let the man see the kids, or the woman makes false accusations, or the women cleans out the joint account the day before her sols serve the papers?
who cares, family lawyers always win.
and for those of us who come along AFTER the abusive ex, we are only getting one side of the story.
I know a guy who was stationed in the middle east at the same time period as the current fiance / husband has been told he was beating the crap out of her.
the current fiance / husband has also (yet) to find out she's serviced more squaddies than the NAAFI. |
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
I have a fucking PSYCHO ex, and I mean that literally (found out after we split she had been seeing shrinks all her life, not all her adult life, all her life) but the fact is ***I*** put myself in harms way because of the usual reasons.
1/ it was exciting
after a while
2/ I though I could "help" them
after a while
3/ it was just an easier life to go along with that shit
worst thing I ever did to them I did by accident.
after a particularly acrimonious split where she is telling the judge what a bastard I was, I was asked to say my piece, and I said I could honestly say that I felt as though in us splitting up I had been pardoned from a life sentence.
"
 Harsh...but I'm inclined to agree.
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
I have a fucking PSYCHO ex, and I mean that literally (found out after we split she had been seeing shrinks all her life, not all her adult life, all her life) but the fact is ***I*** put myself in harms way because of the usual reasons.
1/ it was exciting
after a while
2/ I though I could "help" them
after a while
3/ it was just an easier life to go along with that shit
worst thing I ever did to them I did by accident.
after a particularly acrimonious split where she is telling the judge what a bastard I was, I was asked to say my piece, and I said I could honestly say that I felt as though in us splitting up I had been pardoned from a life sentence.
"
Abuse is abuse people are put in many situations either financially,emotionally,past experience or children you was lucky most people in abusive relationships no matter of creed,religion, sex or anything else just don't have the confidence self belief or power to enable themselves to leave so a general sweeping remark like BULLSHIT is a pretty disgusting thing to say !!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is very difficult to leave someone who has controlled you, made you feel worthless, made you feel that you are not capable of doing anything, that you are ugly not counting personal stuff he did to me despite what someone else has said but it can be done, took me a long time to boost my confidence and self esteem, and know that I am capable and can do it. Both our kids are fine too; they hold full time jobs, both drive, we have a great relationship and they saw him when they wanted. In the 20 yrs since we split, whilst struggling with relationship issues, I have achieved so much and he achieved nothing and then died from swine flu and drug and alcohol related issues. |
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I moved about 5 different times because of 1 ex. Now I am a lot wiser it's not ok to be abused which I was...I think I would run for the hills now is I met someone and the pattern was repeating itself. He made me feel worthless it's not a nice feeling to feel... |
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I remember my ex husband and i where play fighting one day and he lifted his arm up and i subconciously flinched and aparntly had a look of fear in my eyes.
He then said now i know how that bastard made you feel.
I dont talk about it to jay as it hurts him so much to know that i was treated like that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
"
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
my mum left my dad when I was 10, 43 years ago. We had money but she left with nothing except my sister & I. That is all she wanted.
He was an alcoholic, abusive not violent. Think once and that changed things.
She drove from Cumbria back to Scotland and I can still remember that feeling, we had grown up aware of the atmosphere in the house until we left, the rages & THE DRINK.
but I appreciate not everyone can....
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"20 years of a controlling and in the end violent relationship dont half take its toll and almost 8 yrs later, i still sometimes mentally react the way i used to with him and it drives me nuts - ive sat here and cried more out of anger at myself for being this way then talked myself out of that one because i know now that was just him making me that way - after a very simple and almost insignificant convo with my fella i ended up absolutely terrified that something id said would have a knock on effect - i know thats not the case but i will have to wait til tomorrow to talk to him now - suppose its just insecurities - think i will stick my head out of the window and just scream - have to say not many people i hate or wont forgive but the ex gets both in abundance -
ok rant over "
You've moved on. Every day is a step further away and a step nearer to the new you. Just keep going. xxx
Ignore bitter negative people with their own issues. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"my mum left my dad when I was 10, 43 years ago. We had money but she left with nothing except my sister & I. That is all she wanted.
He was an alcoholic, abusive not violent. Think once and that changed things.
She drove from Cumbria back to Scotland and I can still remember that feeling, we had grown up aware of the atmosphere in the house until we left, the rages & THE DRINK.
but I appreciate not everyone can....
"
we did eventually - and me and the kids had a magical moment together the first sunday in new home - peace - we hadnt had that for ages -
yes life is good now would never let anybody treat me like that again |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx"
thanks - i wrote a reply and bottled it and deleted after he wrote that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A lot in this thread is describing classic psychopathic behaviour, which I've been subjected to.
There are psychopathic support forums on the net which may be of help. If anyone wants to talk more pm me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx
thanks - i wrote a reply and bottled it and deleted after he wrote that "
I for one would have loved to have seen it your post....... as long as it was not nasty and you would not get a ban you should i feel and say it how it is get it of your chest x.......... xxx We live a lean in life and you have not to take things that will hurt you . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx
thanks - i wrote a reply and bottled it and deleted after he wrote that I for one would have loved to have seen it your post....... as long as it was not nasty and you would not get a ban you should i feel and say it how it is get it of your chest x.......... xxx We live a lean in life and you have not to take things that will hurt you ."
it was along the lines of well done you for being able to get away - not all of us were in that situation and 2 young kids to consider - along with all the other confines that others have menttioned (but with a bit of anger attached  ) - dont like to retaliate |
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I am amused by how many have not read the OP.
She has moved on but has caught herself reacting to her new, lovely and supportive, man in the same way she reacted to her ex - with fear and nervousness and worry.
She knows she can be open and honest about her feelings and get a fair hearing and consideration for her point of _iew but has reverted to the old behaviour.
Well done OP, realising what you are doing is a big thing. Communicating it to your OH is the next big thing. From the sounds of it he'll call you (affectionately) a silly pickle then take a look at the situation and the two of you will work through it.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx
thanks - i wrote a reply and bottled it and deleted after he wrote that I for one would have loved to have seen it your post....... as long as it was not nasty and you would not get a ban you should i feel and say it how it is get it of your chest x.......... xxx We live a lean in life and you have not to take things that will hurt you .
it was along the lines of well done you for being able to get away - not all of us were in that situation and 2 young kids to consider - along with all the other confines that others have menttioned (but with a bit of anger attached ) - dont like to retaliate "
well you got away and now can be true to yourself and i hope get strong again and move on to things that make you happy and smile and be glad to be alive xxxxxx And see there is a different life for you. xxxxx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am amused by how many have not read the OP.
She has moved on but has caught herself reacting to her new, lovely and supportive, man in the same way she reacted to her ex - with fear and nervousness and worry.
She knows she can be open and honest about her feelings and get a fair hearing and consideration for her point of _iew but has reverted to the old behaviour.
Well done OP, realising what you are doing is a big thing. Communicating it to your OH is the next big thing. From the sounds of it he'll call you (affectionately) a silly pickle then take a look at the situation and the two of you will work through it. "
yes we're fine this morning - forums threads tend to go off point a little sometimes |
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Its not always easy to walk away and I didn't have children to consider. We finaly split when he cheated his new bit believed everything he said. I wonder if she is walking around with black eyes. So well done to everyone who has managed to walk away be u male or female. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am amused by how many have not read the OP.
She has moved on but has caught herself reacting to her new, lovely and supportive, man in the same way she reacted to her ex - with fear and nervousness and worry.
She knows she can be open and honest about her feelings and get a fair hearing and consideration for her point of _iew but has reverted to the old behaviour.
Well done OP, realising what you are doing is a big thing. Communicating it to your OH is the next big thing. From the sounds of it he'll call you (affectionately) a silly pickle then take a look at the situation and the two of you will work through it.
yes we're fine this morning - forums threads tend to go off point a little sometimes "
sure can at times why we get a mixed bag here lol xx you get to know and feel of people after reading there posts .. some at times make you smile ,also spit , even mad , some you think what the hell thay on about , lol  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In life, then no matter how good the plan - shit happens - no sense in dwelling in the past, you cant change it..move on, with quiet determination - your 'revenge', is being happy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone is shaped differently and deals with things differently. Yes we all have options, but we don't all have the confidence or tenacity to simply act and start again.
The bare facts are that the op is affected by her experiences so its not bullshit. |
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx"
Completely agree and am enraged how someone could be so unfeeling to class the effects of domestic abuse as bullshit
walking away from an abusive relationship is about the hardest thing anyone could do. I admit I could never understand how these women and men stay in such relationships till I began to work with them and understand the total control and brainwashing the abusive partner holds. Constant belittling, humiliation and usually totally cutting them off from any support networks they may have had has such an effect that the they believe that they are completely worthless and no one else would ever want them!! That together with often threats to hurt the children if there are any is enough to make anyone feel they have no choice!! |
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"
Completely agree and am enraged how someone could be so unfeeling to class the effects of domestic abuse as bullshit "
I wish I gave enough of a damn to get enraged at how you have to misquote me and make out I said something totally opposite to what I actually did say in order to justify your own sense of superiority and enraged feelings.
You know, the entire rest of what I wrote about, putting myself in harms way, and how the thing progressed from initial excitement through "I can change em" to anything for a quiet life.
===============================
So it seems, AS BLOODY USUAL, the only point that is really important here is the one point you all studiously ignore.
The point about being personally responsible for the consequences of the choices we make as individuals.
All those who have a lifestyle that involves avoidance of this fact and prefer permanent victim status hate what I say and me for saying it.
So sue me.
----------------------------
Here are the facts, UNTIL and UNLESS we as individuals accept our part in all these scenarios, and shoulder our own portions of blame, we as individuals are NEVER going to get over it, learn, grow, mature or heal, which is again exactly what the OP was talking about.
So yet again I will get lambasted for telling it like it is. Shoot the messenger. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx
Completely agree and am enraged how someone could be so unfeeling to class the effects of domestic abuse as bullshit
walking away from an abusive relationship is about the hardest thing anyone could do. I admit I could never understand how these women and men stay in such relationships till I began to work with them and understand the total control and brainwashing the abusive partner holds. Constant belittling, humiliation and usually totally cutting them off from any support networks they may have had has such an effect that the they believe that they are completely worthless and no one else would ever want them!! That together with often threats to hurt the children if there are any is enough to make anyone feel they have no choice!!"
exactly that - it was him belting me with a kid each side of me that flicked a switch - looking back it was the best thing he ever did for me taking it that bit further - but i didnt realise what life i was living until i was on the other side |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In life, then no matter how good the plan - shit happens - no sense in dwelling in the past, you cant change it..move on, with quiet determination - your 'revenge', is being happy "
Spot on. And if your ex is a psycho, letting them see they mean nothing now. It's all about controlling you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on with with your own life! "
with a family easier said and done when your home with kids no money only there's coming in ....... your under there control ... only if you have help out side or other family wishing to help or saving you can make a move ... and its not only you but kids you have to think of .
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx
thanks - i wrote a reply and bottled it and deleted after he wrote that "
Don't take any notice of him, heaps of hugs coming your way xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on with with your own life! with a family easier said and done when your home with kids no money only there's coming in ....... your under there control ... only if you have help out side or other family wishing to help or saving you can make a move ... and its not only you but kids you have to think of ."
Sorry jo I disagree with you! I have been in that situation and managed to get myself and my children out all by myself! That is now in my past and that's where it stays! I don't dwell on anything that has happened in that relationship! Your life is what you make it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I witnessed my mum putting up with my dad's d*unkenness all these years because she has no means to support herself, let alone the kids.
Hence I vowed not to be financially dependent on a man when I grew up.
And guess what? After my dad died, my mum missed him, and did not know what to do with her new found freedom for at least the first year.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on with with your own life! with a family easier said and done when your home with kids no money only there's coming in ....... your under there control ... only if you have help out side or other family wishing to help or saving you can make a move ... and its not only you but kids you have to think of .
Sorry jo I disagree with you! I have been in that situation and managed to get myself and my children out all by myself! That is now in my past and that's where it stays! I don't dwell on anything that has happened in that relationship! Your life is what you make it! "
well i am happy you did get out. xx Some are not that strong and will be victims all there life. Sad but true. As thay think if i do this and that and never do.End up hitting the drink , doing silly things and thinking if only. |
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"You can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on with with your own life! with a family easier said and done when your home with kids no money only there's coming in ....... your under there control ... only if you have help out side or other family wishing to help or saving you can make a move ... and its not only you but kids you have to think of .
Sorry jo I disagree with you! I have been in that situation and managed to get myself and my children out all by myself! That is now in my past and that's where it stays! I don't dwell on anything that has happened in that relationship! Your life is what you make it! "
If you bring it to your present it eats you up and you become bitter which means that person still has control... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on with with your own life! with a family easier said and done when your home with kids no money only there's coming in ....... your under there control ... only if you have help out side or other family wishing to help or saving you can make a move ... and its not only you but kids you have to think of .
Sorry jo I disagree with you! I have been in that situation and managed to get myself and my children out all by myself! That is now in my past and that's where it stays! I don't dwell on anything that has happened in that relationship! Your life is what you make it! well i am happy you did get out. xx Some are not that strong and will be victims all there life. Sad but true. As thay think if i do this and that and never do.End up hitting the drink , doing silly things and thinking if only."
We all have it in us to be strong!
That's why I said you can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on and live your life! |
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For those that said its easy to get away , you have thankfully never been in the situation and if you think its that easy to get away do you think people wouldnt get out sooner than they did.
Being worn down and haing no self worth and being told that you useless time and time again takes affect.
I like others on this thread got out, i dont dwell on it, i have now no emotions to it and it was like it happened in a different life. But it sure isnt easy, someone said your either a victim or a surviver nd everyoe who got out is a surviver |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on with with your own life! with a family easier said and done when your home with kids no money only there's coming in ....... your under there control ... only if you have help out side or other family wishing to help or saving you can make a move ... and its not only you but kids you have to think of .
Sorry jo I disagree with you! I have been in that situation and managed to get myself and my children out all by myself! That is now in my past and that's where it stays! I don't dwell on anything that has happened in that relationship! Your life is what you make it! well i am happy you did get out. xx Some are not that strong and will be victims all there life. Sad but true. As thay think if i do this and that and never do.End up hitting the drink , doing silly things and thinking if only.
We all have it in us to be strong!
That's why I said you can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on and live your life! "
some will always put kids first themselves at bottom . And will be a victim of not living there own life but giving it to there family. Yes i know what your saying is true too ... i was a
samaritan for years i come across all sorts. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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And the OP wasn't whether they should, shouldn't leave a relationship, as from what I read that's already been done 8 years ago, maybe try counciling as if you keep letting the past eat you up after this long it's going to drive you crazy and maybe affect future relationships!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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the past doesnt eat me up it just every so often jumps up and bites me on the bum - im such a different person now to the one back then - when something that was so consuming for so long think it would take a miracle for it never to have any effect on you ever again - |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"20 years of a controlling and in the end violent relationship dont half take its toll and almost 8 yrs later, i still sometimes mentally react the way i used to with him and it drives me nuts - ive sat here and cried more out of anger at myself for being this way then talked myself out of that one because i know now that was just him making me that way - after a very simple and almost insignificant convo with my fella i ended up absolutely terrified that something id said would have a knock on effect - i know thats not the case but i will have to wait til tomorrow to talk to him now - suppose its just insecurities - think i will stick my head out of the window and just scream - have to say not many people i hate or wont forgive but the ex gets both in abundance -
ok rant over "
Did you talk to your fella yet? He sounds a decent type. Now and then something will bring it all back when you least expect it. If he and you understand that it will all be fine. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"20 years of a controlling and in the end violent relationship dont half take its toll and almost 8 yrs later, i still sometimes mentally react the way i used to with him and it drives me nuts - ive sat here and cried more out of anger at myself for being this way then talked myself out of that one because i know now that was just him making me that way - after a very simple and almost insignificant convo with my fella i ended up absolutely terrified that something id said would have a knock on effect - i know thats not the case but i will have to wait til tomorrow to talk to him now - suppose its just insecurities - think i will stick my head out of the window and just scream - have to say not many people i hate or wont forgive but the ex gets both in abundance -
ok rant over
Did you talk to your fella yet? He sounds a decent type. Now and then something will bring it all back when you least expect it. If he and you understand that it will all be fine. "
yes and and he is - nothing to worry about it was me and my emotions - he knows me well and holds me up when i fall - all good in our world -  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"20 years of a controlling and in the end violent relationship dont half take its toll and almost 8 yrs later, i still sometimes mentally react the way i used to with him and it drives me nuts - ive sat here and cried more out of anger at myself for being this way then talked myself out of that one because i know now that was just him making me that way - after a very simple and almost insignificant convo with my fella i ended up absolutely terrified that something id said would have a knock on effect - i know thats not the case but i will have to wait til tomorrow to talk to him now - suppose its just insecurities - think i will stick my head out of the window and just scream - have to say not many people i hate or wont forgive but the ex gets both in abundance -
ok rant over
Did you talk to your fella yet? He sounds a decent type. Now and then something will bring it all back when you least expect it. If he and you understand that it will all be fine.
yes and and he is - nothing to worry about it was me and my emotions - he knows me well and holds me up when i fall - all good in our world - "
xx |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"20 years of a controlling and in the end violent relationship dont half take its toll and almost 8 yrs later, i still sometimes mentally react the way i used to with him and it drives me nuts - ive sat here and cried more out of anger at myself for being this way then talked myself out of that one because i know now that was just him making me that way - after a very simple and almost insignificant convo with my fella i ended up absolutely terrified that something id said would have a knock on effect - i know thats not the case but i will have to wait til tomorrow to talk to him now - suppose its just insecurities - think i will stick my head out of the window and just scream - have to say not many people i hate or wont forgive but the ex gets both in abundance -
ok rant over
Did you talk to your fella yet? He sounds a decent type. Now and then something will bring it all back when you least expect it. If he and you understand that it will all be fine.
yes and and he is - nothing to worry about it was me and my emotions - he knows me well and holds me up when i fall - all good in our world - "
It did sound to me (from the original post) that you are ok now, have gained distance etc and you just feel occasionally the old feelings creeping up but when they do you know what to do with them plus you havea great support in your OH. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"20 years of a controlling and in the end violent relationship dont half take its toll and almost 8 yrs later, i still sometimes mentally react the way i used to with him and it drives me nuts - ive sat here and cried more out of anger at myself for being this way then talked myself out of that one because i know now that was just him making me that way - after a very simple and almost insignificant convo with my fella i ended up absolutely terrified that something id said would have a knock on effect - i know thats not the case but i will have to wait til tomorrow to talk to him now - suppose its just insecurities - think i will stick my head out of the window and just scream - have to say not many people i hate or wont forgive but the ex gets both in abundance -
ok rant over
Did you talk to your fella yet? He sounds a decent type. Now and then something will bring it all back when you least expect it. If he and you understand that it will all be fine.
yes and and he is - nothing to worry about it was me and my emotions - he knows me well and holds me up when i fall - all good in our world - It did sound to me (from the original post) that you are ok now, have gained distance etc and you just feel occasionally the old feelings creeping up but when they do you know what to do with them plus you havea great support in your OH. "
exactly all of that - it was a 'cross with myself' posting |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you."
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you."
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless. "
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless.
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament."
if it was as black and white as that it wouldnt happen hardly at all then - aint that simple at all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless.
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
if it was as black and white as that it wouldnt happen hardly at all then - aint that simple at all "
That's a lame argument against not having the courage or tenacity to tell someone to fuck off for treating you like dirt. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless.
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
if it was as black and white as that it wouldnt happen hardly at all then - aint that simple at all
That's a lame argument against not having the courage or tenacity to tell someone to fuck off for treating you like dirt."
well im not going to tell my whole story but i totally disagree - |
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless.
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
if it was as black and white as that it wouldnt happen hardly at all then - aint that simple at all
That's a lame argument against not having the courage or tenacity to tell someone to fuck off for treating you like dirt."
Wishy living in his perfect world again.
Maybe you should go around some battered wives hostals and see first hand why some of them stay |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless.
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
if it was as black and white as that it wouldnt happen hardly at all then - aint that simple at all
That's a lame argument against not having the courage or tenacity to tell someone to fuck off for treating you like dirt.
well im not going to tell my whole story but i totally disagree - "
I'm out. UnFuckingBelievable. |
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless.
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament."
Are you posting that for reaction? Or you honestly believe it ? |
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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago
Livingston |
Un-fuckin-believable Wishy..... Are you saying that if it was your mum/sister/daughter you would tell them just to walk away because it is that easy?
Get a fucking grip... Life on your planet must be fuckin perfect!!!!! |
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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago
Livingston |
"Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament."
What if they do leave and the abuse continues? Are they still to blame then? |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
In fairness, I think that the issue of leaving a violent relationship looks different depending on whether you have experienced the violence yourself or known about it from friends/ relatives etc.
In theory, I agree it should be easy to leave when the partner has turned violent. The practice is often very different. Some women dare not leave in fear of being found, in fear of what the retributions are. In the UK alone, 2 women a week die as a result of domestic violence (The figure of DV against men is a little tricker as it is underreported.)
Some women stay in violent relationships because that is all they have ever known from the time they were born. Some stay because they feel they have nowhere else to go. Some people's self esteem has been so eroded over the years they do not have the energy or confidence to seek help. Some suffer a life time in silence. There are many reasons why women (and men) stay in those abusive relationships.
It is probably much harder to leave than one might think.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Un-fuckin-believable Wishy..... Are you saying that if it was your mum/sister/daughter you would tell them just to walk away because it is that easy?
Get a fucking grip... Life on your planet must be fuckin perfect!!!!!"
Absolutely. And yes, I have a niece who is with a total wanker but I've told her to leave the asshole, and she hasn't, so the next time she started moaning about her lot I told her to go elsewhere with it and I didn't want to hear it. If she CHOOSES to remain with a wanker then it's HER fault if she allows herself to be treated like a dog. He won't change, he's a career criminal, so she has to but she still thinks she can change him. Idiot.
Get a grip? There's a few on here who would do well to heed that advice, I'm not one of them though.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
What if they do leave and the abuse continues? Are they still to blame then?"
YES! |
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"Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
What if they do leave and the abuse continues? Are they still to blame then?
YES! "
think that is a bit harsh, i left but he tried to continue the abuse, i had to leave the city i was born in, where i grew up and where all my family, ie:supprt network, was just so it wouldnt continue, some women are not, either as strong or have put up with a lot longer, but i would never say it is their own fault, cos no human being deserves to be treated like that, be it male or female
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The two things no partner can take away from you is free will and choice.
Whilst the truth stares the abused in the face, many still choose to believe 'it will change', some convnice themselves they cannot leave and some deep down believe it is better to have fleeting moments of feeling loved than not feel loved at all and be living in a hostel instead of their nice house.
Everyone has a choice.
Everyone has the free will to make a choice.
Sometimes the choice may be unpleasant, but their is still a choice.
Whilst others may be held accountable for bringing about the need to make the choice, they are not accountable for the choice which is made. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The two things no partner can take away from you is free will and choice.
Whilst the truth stares the abused in the face, many still choose to believe 'it will change', some convnice themselves they cannot leave and some deep down believe it is better to have fleeting moments of feeling loved than not feel loved at all and be living in a hostel instead of their nice house.
Everyone has a choice.
Everyone has the free will to make a choice.
Sometimes the choice may be unpleasant, but their is still a choice.
Whilst others may be held accountable for bringing about the need to make the choice, they are not accountable for the choice which is made."
That's what I've been trying to say. Not as succinctly as you put it though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you write the word 'doormat' on your forehead you shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.
Love is not: Hi honey, you ugly fat cow, I love you.
Love is not: take this you interfering bitch. WALLOP!
Love is not: You have a great figure, but she fucks like a whore on speed.
and love is most definitely not: I wish I'd never married you.
So are you trying to say that people in abusive relationships bring it on themselves??
Speechless.
Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
Are you posting that for reaction? Or you honestly believe it ?"
I believe that every person has the choice to stay in an abusive relationship or not. There is much evidence out there of life after getting free from an abusive partner, and yes, in extreme circumstances there have been fatalities. In the main, many many people manage to escape and rebuild their lives successfully with a new partner who is nothing like the old one. The catalyst for change has to come from the person being abused as the abuser will simply carry on as before if the person they are abusing does nothing to stop it. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"IThe catalyst for change has to come from the person being abused as the abuser will simply carry on as before if the person they are abusing does nothing to stop it."
I would wholehartedly agree with that!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Wishy living in his perfect world again."
Do you think I haven't had controlling partners in my life? One or two tried but soon realised that if they gave me a choice between do things her way or the highway that the highway would be the road I'd take.
I even had one girl force me to choose between her or my mother. Let's just say I still have a mother.
Abuse me once - more fool you, abuse me twice - more fool me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
What if they do leave and the abuse continues? Are they still to blame then?
YES!
think that is a bit harsh, i left but he tried to continue the abuse, i had to leave the city i was born in, where i grew up and where all my family, ie:supprt network, was just so it wouldnt continue, some women are not, either as strong or have put up with a lot longer, but i would never say it is their own fault, cos no human being deserves to be treated like that, be it male or female
"
I know someone who not only moved out of the city but took all her family with her too and I mean parents, sisters, brothers |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
What if they do leave and the abuse continues? Are they still to blame then?
YES!
think that is a bit harsh, i left but he tried to continue the abuse, i had to leave the city i was born in, where i grew up and where all my family, ie:supprt network, was just so it wouldnt continue, some women are not, either as strong or have put up with a lot longer, but i would never say it is their own fault, cos no human being deserves to be treated like that, be it male or female
I know someone who not only moved out of the city but took all her family with her too and I mean parents, sisters, brothers "
A home is where you make it and if your nearest and dearest are with you is doesn't really matter where you decide to start again. Maybe they all felt it was time for a fresh start. I've never heard of that happening before though. Hope it worked out for them. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"
Abuse me once - more fool you, abuse me twice - more fool me."
I most certainly would not entertain an abusive relationship either - and if I had I d say once bitten twice shy. And I agree that the responsibility for leaving that relationship lies with the abused.
Having said that, I would add again that sometimes it is a bit more difficult than it may look on the surface, that s all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I would add again that sometimes it is a bit more difficult than it may look on the surface, that s all. "
I know full well that some women feel that there is no way out, but as I said above, there are plenty of examples of people who have got out and made a life for themselves. I guess the vital question that the abused has to have an answer for is: Will my life be better here with him, or elsewhere with someone else, or even on my own.
I think if someone has got to the stage where that question needs asking it's time to get out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Completely agree and am enraged how someone could be so unfeeling to class the effects of domestic abuse as bullshit
I wish I gave enough of a damn to get enraged at how you have to misquote me and make out I said something totally opposite to what I actually did say in order to justify your own sense of superiority and enraged feelings.
You know, the entire rest of what I wrote about, putting myself in harms way, and how the thing progressed from initial excitement through "I can change em" to anything for a quiet life.
===============================
So it seems, AS BLOODY USUAL, the only point that is really important here is the one point you all studiously ignore.
The point about being personally responsible for the consequences of the choices we make as individuals.
All those who have a lifestyle that involves avoidance of this fact and prefer permanent victim status hate what I say and me for saying it.
So sue me.
----------------------------
Here are the facts, UNTIL and UNLESS we as individuals accept our part in all these scenarios, and shoulder our own portions of blame, we as individuals are NEVER going to get over it, learn, grow, mature or heal, which is again exactly what the OP was talking about.
So yet again I will get lambasted for telling it like it is. Shoot the messenger. "
Ur only saying how it is for u!
Cos u think, feel and react in different ways and had a different experience to others..
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Abusers manipulate their victims.. The victim is made to feel its their fault, that they arwe worthless, won't ever meet anyone else, made to think the abuser is too good for them and they should be lucky..
Or threats if they leave
Its not as simple as having a choice to leave..
I left in the end, but for a longtime I was made to feel so worthless and I needed him to like me so I could be good enough for being alive..
Its not easy to just leave emotional toture |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can either choose to become a victim or choose to get on with with your own life! with a family easier said and done when your home with kids no money only there's coming in ....... your under there control ... only if you have help out side or other family wishing to help or saving you can make a move ... and its not only you but kids you have to think of ."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not at first, no. But if they don't leave when the abuse begins they can't blame anyone else for their predicament.
What if they do leave and the abuse continues? Are they still to blame then?
YES!
think that is a bit harsh, i left but he tried to continue the abuse, i had to leave the city i was born in, where i grew up and where all my family, ie:supprt network, was just so it wouldnt continue, some women are not, either as strong or have put up with a lot longer, but i would never say it is their own fault, cos no human being deserves to be treated like that, be it male or female
I know someone who not only moved out of the city but took all her family with her too and I mean parents, sisters, brothers
A home is where you make it and if your nearest and dearest are with you is doesn't really matter where you decide to start again. Maybe they all felt it was time for a fresh start. I've never heard of that happening before though. Hope it worked out for them."
The whole family uprooted because he treated her badly and beat her, think that was the last straw, I only met her once so I cannot comment but as you say, a fresh start and a new home. Odd really as he was always nice to me and told me I should leave my ex as he didn't treat me right |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Wishy living in his perfect world again.
Do you think I haven't had controlling partners in my life? One or two tried but soon realised that if they gave me a choice between do things her way or the highway that the highway would be the road I'd take.
I even had one girl force me to choose between her or my mother. Let's just say I still have a mother.
Abuse me once - more fool you, abuse me twice - more fool me."
Mine was like that too Wishy. Expected me to drop my life here and move to a different part of the country to become her house husband. Totally under her control just like the rest of her family.
I think maybe the point that's being made by others is that there are different degrees of psychopathy. Mine just gave me a severely broken heart. Others give them broken bones.
One thing I do know. Unless you've been a victim of one of these people you can't even imagine what it's like. |
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"Bullshit.
Unless you have been kidnapped and kept chained in a cellar, ANYONE can leave ANYONE, and everything else is just trying to absolve your self of all responsibility for the unpleasant shit in your life by trying to shove 100% of the blame for it on to some one else.
Wrong. You are SO VERY wrong.
OP and everyone else that suffered the same- hugs xxxx
Completely agree and am enraged how someone could be so unfeeling to class the effects of domestic abuse as bullshit
walking away from an abusive relationship is about the hardest thing anyone could do. I admit I could never understand how these women and men stay in such relationships till I began to work with them and understand the total control and brainwashing the abusive partner holds. Constant belittling, humiliation and usually totally cutting them off from any support networks they may have had has such an effect that the they believe that they are completely worthless and no one else would ever want them!! That together with often threats to hurt the children if there are any is enough to make anyone feel they have no choice!!"
It is very often the hardest thing to do, walk away. Having been in a hugely abusive relationship, mentally, emotionally, financial and physical relationship, sometimes the easiest thing is to put up with it and endure.....it is only when you take that leap of faith that you realise how awful an existence you had. Friends, family, but most of all you have to rebuild your self esteem. It's about liking yourself, being true to yourself. I have a more rounded _iew of the world, think the best of people, but I have come to see beyond the veneer of folk. I treasure each day of being happy. Hugs, Hawk xx |
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