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Post your Lonely Hearts Ad here
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By *ermite12ukMan
over a year ago
Solihull and Brentwood |
Looking for:
A tall, well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs,
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
shia garden classical music and tal
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 & 6 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Romantic, affectionate and eloquent gentleman wishes to wine, dine and generally treat a lady like a true queen…..before shooting my rancid man fat all over her wanton tiddys   "
Baton down your filter hatches, You're about to get inundated! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'll keep it simple.
FAF?
Dammit. You stole my line 
You snooze you lose.
The alternative of course was the classic 'alright big tits, looking for some action?'   "
I know it looks like it but that's not my leg in there.  |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I'll keep it simple.
FAF?
Dammit. You stole my line
You snooze you lose.
The alternative of course was the classic 'alright big tits, looking for some action?' "
Use that one... I can't use that one.
Then I can have "FAF" back  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Have dick, will cum. Some cuddling included.
LvM
Dick cuddling?
Spooning/ forking 
LvM
What the damn heck is forking?
Like spooning but with a bit more poke
LvM"
Oh... go on then, no time to play shy! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
PW's pussy and nipples seek attention.
None of this complicated bullshit please, just show up, play nice, don't be a dick but give me the dick, and for several hours.
Might make you a sandwich after but you'll defo get a glass of water or two.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"PW's pussy and nipples seek attention.
None of this complicated bullshit please, just show up, play nice, don't be a dick but give me the dick, and for several hours.
Might make you a sandwich after but you'll defo get a glass of water or two.
"
Spotted a typo.
You said hours  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"SWF seeks victim
Omg I might watch that film tonight! Thanks
I haven't watched that film in yrs might have to see if I can find it myself too!"
Weirdly I thought about it in the last month, I think someone else said the words SWF and that's why. But otherwise no. It's been years.
Might have to watch basic instinct too again. |
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"PW's pussy and nipples seek attention.
None of this complicated bullshit please, just show up, play nice, don't be a dick but give me the dick, and for several hours.
Might make you a sandwich after but you'll defo get a glass of water or two.
"
all for a glass of water or 2.. I'm in |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"PW's pussy and nipples seek attention.
None of this complicated bullshit please, just show up, play nice, don't be a dick but give me the dick, and for several hours.
Might make you a sandwich after but you'll defo get a glass of water or two.
Spotted a typo.
You said hours "
How about a reword?
Give me it several times
(Provided you can get me off quickly that is) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"PW's pussy and nipples seek attention.
None of this complicated bullshit please, just show up, play nice, don't be a dick but give me the dick, and for several hours.
Might make you a sandwich after but you'll defo get a glass of water or two.
all for a glass of water or 2.. I'm in "
I cant feel it  |
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"Looking for:
A tall, well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs,
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
shia garden classical music and tal
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 & 6"
Very clever lol |
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By *aizyWoman
over a year ago
west midlands |
"SWF seeks victim
Omg I might watch that film tonight! Thanks
I haven't watched that film in yrs might have to see if I can find it myself too!
Weirdly I thought about it in the last month, I think someone else said the words SWF and that's why. But otherwise no. It's been years.
Might have to watch basic instinct too again. "
And Fatal Attraction and Disclosure, thats my weekend sorted! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"OK look I'm lover of women really nice guy I only get the cane out after
I've d*unk the potion.Mr Hyde "
Well, that isn't going to put ant women off is it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"OK look I'm lover of women really nice guy I only get the cane out after
I've d*unk the potion.Mr Hyde
Well, that isn't going to put ant women off is it! "
Not the wonen he's after |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Unconvincing aging transvestite, seeks attention and fartbox tongue punching.
GSOH
Will your fartbox get my gsoh though?
with a bit if luck"
Did you mean with a bit of lick?
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"SWF seeks victim
Omg I might watch that film tonight! Thanks
I haven't watched that film in yrs might have to see if I can find it myself too!
Weirdly I thought about it in the last month, I think someone else said the words SWF and that's why. But otherwise no. It's been years.
Might have to watch basic instinct too again.
And Fatal Attraction and Disclosure, thats my weekend sorted!"
I want to high five you now!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Unconvincing aging transvestite, seeks attention and fartbox tongue punching.
GSOH
Will your fartbox get my gsoh though?
with a bit if luck
Did you mean with a bit of lick?
"
badoom tish |
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"OK look I'm lover of women really nice guy I only get the cane out after
I've d*unk the potion.Mr Hyde
Well, that isn't going to put ant women off is it!
Not the wonen he's after "
Cheeky bastard you know I only want women told you .you catch dyslexia . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Older model available for trips out, nights in and horizontal action. Good overall condition but would benefit from some WD40.
Lube matters..... "
Spunk away  |
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By *elloWoman
over a year ago
alpha centauri |
Ugly Virgin Desperately Seeks Sex of Any Description,
Hot Young Buck,
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig,
Foxy Stoat on the Prowl,
Musky Sly Old Foxy Stoat,
Minky Musky Sly Old Stoaty Stoaty Stoat |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Ugly Virgin Desperately Seeks Sex of Any Description,
Hot Young Buck,
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig,
Foxy Stoat on the Prowl,
Musky Sly Old Foxy Stoat,
Minky Musky Sly Old Stoaty Stoaty Stoat"
You forgot badger..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Average looking bloke with average middle aged man miles on the clock seeks a female cuddle buddy/spooning partner
No sex?
Dam "
I couldn’t afford the extortionate price of a full ad…so half of it was cut out  |
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"PW's pussy and nipples seek attention.
None of this complicated bullshit please, just show up, play nice, don't be a dick but give me the dick, and for several hours.
Might make you a sandwich after but you'll defo get a glass of water or two.
all for a glass of water or 2.. I'm in
I cant feel it "
damn, nice way to twist my words.. lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Ugly Virgin Desperately Seeks Sex of Any Description,
Hot Young Buck,
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig,
Foxy Stoat on the Prowl,
Musky Sly Old Foxy Stoat,
Minky Musky Sly Old Stoaty Stoaty Stoat"
"I don't think they were lesbians Richie. They got off with tbhose two other blokes, handsomer wittier,... well basically those two bolkes that didn't have a load of toilet roll stuffed down their trousres!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’ll be really quick. You won’t even notice I’m there.
And I’ll be super grateful.
Pretty please with a cherry on top."
Is it one of those sweet glacier cherries you put atop of a cake? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Tall bird with a heart of gold and a tounge like acid, seeks a majestic man who can participate, in wit relay at speed with confidence. Oh and he must have a peachy arse for caressing purposes "
My bums good for caressing, but my cock is alergic to acid.  |
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Chunky, warmongering blonde with ever expanding toy collection seeks tall man with ink for regular spankings and occasional reminders of who’s boss. Must like jacuzzis, pizza and lemon drizzle. And glitter. |
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"Chunky, warmongering blonde with ever expanding toy collection seeks tall man with ink for regular spankings and occasional reminders of who’s boss. Must like jacuzzis, pizza and lemon drizzle. And glitter. "
So let's check tall man with a pen who like to remind you who is the boss like jacuzzis ,pizza and lemon drizzle puts up with glitter . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Chunky, warmongering blonde with ever expanding toy collection seeks tall man with ink for regular spankings and occasional reminders of who’s boss. Must like jacuzzis, pizza and lemon drizzle. And glitter. "
Not tall or with ink... I'm deliciously accomplished at being naughty though and require regular spankings? .... Only like pizza with pinapple. |
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"Chunky, warmongering blonde with ever expanding toy collection seeks tall man with ink for regular spankings and occasional reminders of who’s boss. Must like jacuzzis, pizza and lemon drizzle. And glitter.
So let's check tall man with a pen who like to remind you who is the boss like jacuzzis ,pizza and lemon drizzle puts up with glitter ."
Puts up with and likes are two very different things |
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"Chunky, warmongering blonde with ever expanding toy collection seeks tall man with ink for regular spankings and occasional reminders of who’s boss. Must like jacuzzis, pizza and lemon drizzle. And glitter.
Not tall or with ink... I'm deliciously accomplished at being naughty though and require regular spankings? .... Only like pizza with pinapple. "
Knew you were a wrong’un! |
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"Chunky, warmongering blonde with ever expanding toy collection seeks tall man with ink for regular spankings and occasional reminders of who’s boss. Must like jacuzzis, pizza and lemon drizzle. And glitter.
So let's check tall man with a pen who like to remind you who is the boss like jacuzzis ,pizza and lemon drizzle puts up with glitter .
Puts up with and likes are two very different things "
OK you've convince me its match made heaven OK I'll like glitter .you do have pineapple on the pizza tho . |
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"Tall bird with a heart of gold and a tounge like acid, seeks a majestic man who can participate, in wit relay at speed with confidence. Oh and he must have a peachy arse for caressing purposes
My bums good for caressing, but my cock is alergic to acid. "
Ahhh phooey |
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"Tall bird with a heart of gold and a tounge like acid, seeks a majestic man who can participate, in wit relay at speed with confidence. Oh and he must have a peachy arse for caressing purposes
My bums good for caressing, but my cock is alergic to acid.
Ahhh phooey "
I've got good bum and no alegic to acid . |
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Fabulous trans seeks sapiosexual woman. If size 12/14, 38B then you'll be able to borrow my dresses and lingerie... Can cook and have large library, handy with superglue and massage oil (though not at the same time), knows what to do with a goto statement...
Hoping for tummy rubs and company during long winter nights. |
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"Romantic, affectionate and eloquent gentleman wishes to wine, dine and generally treat a lady like a true queen…..before shooting my rancid man fat all over her wanton tiddys "
Get yer coat matey, you’ve pulled! |
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Single white male, dad bod but good shoulders and legs. I have a mowhawk hairdo with a beard. Single for 8 years only had sex or intimacy once in that time. I'm actually a nice bloke just lost my mojo lol, So if you're up for a challenge ladies feel free to message me!  |
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Well I'm here aren't I, I mean who could resist a 6'2" 64y old skinny bean pole with an above average cock - what more could you want.
Oh yeh a gsoh and a personality - hmm ok I'll crawl back in my box now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Self description
Late forties, single bloke, spends longer trimming hair in places that he'd prefer be hairless than trimming hair that he'd prefer to have hair
Takes him all night to do things he used to do all night
Get him while you can he's notgetting any better |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Intelligent gent likes to give affection and treats a women as a lady.
Always smiling and happy that also loves to gets something straight between you.
Little bit of mileage good body work and is a good runner still a performance left
Must try before you buy
|
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"There was a nice gent called Felix
Whose winkie could do special tricks
It does loop the loops
And can squeeze in tight hoops
But sometimes gets caught round his bollix "
Well knock me down with a feather... sold 🤣 |
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Me: somewhat sane (my mom had me tested) she says hi by the way.
All my own 4 hairs.
I have a job.. well I had until that incident with HR
You:
Gets on with my mum, looks kinda like my mum, smells like my.. well we can talk about that after you get in the van...
Oh me again:
Owns own van |
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Grey haired massive tit seeks ornithologist for lengthy examination of flight manuals and explorations into the wild unknown, you must be a wizard and proficient in snake milking, will bring snacks |
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Aging many 80s fat bloke, with heart and breathing problems, permanently connected to an oxygen cylinder. Seeks hot lady 25-35, must be a super model, have 34-26-34 measurements, be a demon in bed and like Delia smith in the kitchen.
Must come with cake. |
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By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
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"Aging many 80s fat bloke, with heart and breathing problems, permanently connected to an oxygen cylinder. Seeks hot lady 25-35, must be a super model, have 34-26-34 measurements, be a demon in bed and like Delia smith in the kitchen.
Must come with cake. "
Arrive with the cake or reach orgasm with the sight of cake? |
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"Aging many 80s fat bloke, with heart and breathing problems, permanently connected to an oxygen cylinder. Seeks hot lady 25-35, must be a super model, have 34-26-34 measurements, be a demon in bed and like Delia smith in the kitchen.
Must come with cake.
Arrive with the cake or reach orgasm with the sight of cake? "
Or squirt icing? |
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"Aging many 80s fat bloke, with heart and breathing problems, permanently connected to an oxygen cylinder. Seeks hot lady 25-35, must be a super model, have 34-26-34 measurements, be a demon in bed and like Delia smith in the kitchen.
Must come with cake.
Arrive with the cake or reach orgasm with the sight of cake? "
Either is acceptable, I'm feeling generous.
Iceland cake don't count tho. |
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"Aging many 80s fat bloke, with heart and breathing problems, permanently connected to an oxygen cylinder. Seeks hot lady 25-35, must be a super model, have 34-26-34 measurements, be a demon in bed and like Delia smith in the kitchen.
Must come with cake.
Arrive with the cake or reach orgasm with the sight of cake?
Or squirt icing?"
I got strangely aroused by your suggestion. |
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"Aging many 80s fat bloke, with heart and breathing problems, permanently connected to an oxygen cylinder. Seeks hot lady 25-35, must be a super model, have 34-26-34 measurements, be a demon in bed and like Delia smith in the kitchen.
Must come with cake.
Arrive with the cake or reach orgasm with the sight of cake? "
I forgot to add, must do anal.
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