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Worried I've Given Some Bad Advice
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
My mate Dave (everyone knows a Dave) called earlier in great distress.
He's just got back from his honeymoon with his new 19 year old Victoria's Secret model wife and she called him at work this morning to ask him to pop to this little boutique fresh food shop 100 miles away after work to pick up some Kale, and picked from the Italian village where they'd just honeymooned, for a special salad she was going to make him for dinner tonight. She told him it was obviously going to take him a few hours driving there and back but not to worry and it would be well worth it.
Now Dave told his boss, and being the lovely boss he is, he gave him the rest of the day off to head straight there and get home to spend time with his new bride. Dave arrived at said boutique salad emporium to find they were all out of said special Kale apparently due to brexit, so he left empty handed and headed home.
Dave arrived back much earlier than obviously expected and walked through the front door to find his teenage bride on all fours with her pilates instructor Xavier (pronounced 'Xavier' like Professer Xavier from X-Men, not 'Havier' like the Spanish do) pounding her arse from behind whilst her hairdresser Jorge (pronounced 'Whore-Hay' like what they do abroad) was spaffing his baby gravy over her face, with their 70 year old next door neighbour Bob (pronounced Bob) filming the proceedings on an old VHS camcorder.
He was so shocked and flabbergasted he turned, slammed the door, jumped into his Prius and immediately called me for advice.
I told him not to panic and that Kale is Kale, I'd seen some at our local Aldi this morning and that she'd never know the difference.
He hung up and I haven't heard from him since.
Am I wrong? Doesn't all Kale taste the same - i.e. shit? 
A |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
He should never have gone for the Prius. My taxi driver the other day (pronounced taxee dryverrrr) said Tesla is way better. The boutique would have had the special Kale for a Tesla driver. |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?"
Tried calling it. No answer. There was a weird voicemail message mentioning going on holiday to Australia (which is a land down under) for a few months because some guy called Brick Top had asked him to pop round and give his pigs a cut and blow dry.
Sorry 
A |
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 I believe that your advice was absolutely sound and if Dave can’t accept that then he should trade in the Prius for a fully electric Toyota and switch to spinach in future.
Incidentally, if you do speak to Dave again, could you ask him for Bob’s number for me please?
Is it a Hitachi VHS camera he uses?
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Tried calling it. No answer. There was a weird voicemail message mentioning going on holiday to Australia (which is a land down under) for a few months because some guy called Brick Top had asked him to pop round and give his pigs a cut and blow dry.
Sorry
A"
Fuck. 
Sorry. That was the hairdresser.
I'll get onto the Pilates guy now. 
A |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"He should never have gone for the Prius. My taxi driver the other day (pronounced taxee dryverrrr) said Tesla is way better. The boutique would have had the special Kale for a Tesla driver."
But brexit....
A |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"If I just got married and I was offered “a salad”! ( kale or no kale )
I would demand a bloody good steak ( or at least sausage and veg ) and slam the phone down  "
Apparently she doesn't eat meat.
A
#the VHS video says otherwise of course......  |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
" I believe that your advice was absolutely sound and if Dave can’t accept that then he should trade in the Prius for a fully electric Toyota and switch to spinach in future.
Incidentally, if you do speak to Dave again, could you ask him for Bob’s number for me please?
Is it a Hitachi VHS camera he uses?
"
Sony
A
*pronounced 'sow-knee' |
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"Struggling with the third word in your post, sorry. How are you pronouncing that word D-A-V-E?
I think he usually pronounces it 'Dah-ve'
Like Sade.
A"
Ahhhhhhh. Having Spanish as a second language, I was saying "Dayyyyyyyyv" |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?"
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A |
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"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Tried calling it. No answer. There was a weird voicemail message mentioning going on holiday to Australia (which is a land down under) for a few months because some guy called Brick Top had asked him to pop round and give his pigs a cut and blow dry.
Sorry
A
Fuck.
Sorry. That was the hairdresser.
I'll get onto the Pilates guy now.
A"
Honestly you're absolutely useless at advice  |
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"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A"
Is that a Pilates move |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A
Is that a Pilates move "
Wouldn't have a clue.
I'm allergic to exercise.
A |
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I have a this nagging feeling you may be missing the bigger picture here and what Dave was really upset about. Re-read what you have written. There's a few clues in there, let me help you out, just got married, just got back from honeymoon, her pilates instructor, the hairdresser.... You see what I'm getting at? Of course he's upset!
Try and get back in touch with him, tell him it's not to late to talk things through and see if they can come up with a way to work things out! The thing is, his boss may actually agree to making up for his early finish by taking it out of his remaining holiday entitlement, with all of the above mentioned plus the remaining payments on the prius it all adds up to be very expensive, trying to buy things like kale quickly becomes a stretch of the finances when you slip out of work early unpaid!  |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I have a this nagging feeling you may be missing the bigger picture here and what Dave was really upset about. Re-read what you have written. There's a few clues in there, let me help you out, just got married, just got back from honeymoon, her pilates instructor, the hairdresser.... You see what I'm getting at? Of course he's upset!
Try and get back in touch with him, tell him it's not to late to talk things through and see if they can come up with a way to work things out! The thing is, his boss may actually agree to making up for his early finish by taking it out of his remaining holiday entitlement, with all of the above mentioned plus the remaining payments on the prius it all adds up to be very expensive, trying to buy things like kale quickly becomes a stretch of the finances when you slip out of work early unpaid! "
Sound advice indeed!
I suspect he'll have plenty of scope for some overtime too now. I'll suggest it to him!
A |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If Whore-Hay has not sodded off to the land down under (where I believe women glow and men plunder), could you also provide NiceCouple with his contact details as I believe Mrs Nice wants a free fringe trim (not that one!) |
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"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A
Is that a Pilates move
Wouldn't have a clue.
I'm allergic to exercise.
A"
Is pilates an exercise ? That's not what my instructor told me I wondered why I needed to wear stockings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Keep taking the tablets. It takes time
That's what God said to Moses.
A"
Meanwhile I believe that "God said to Abraham K1ll me a son" - and that may well be what your Mate Dave is worrying about, cos surely his young bride may not forgive him for the lack of kale. |
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"If Whore-Hay has not sodded off to the land down under (where I believe women glow and men plunder), could you also provide NiceCouple with his contact details as I believe Mrs Nice wants a free fringe trim (not that one!) "
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" I believe that your advice was absolutely sound and if Dave can’t accept that then he should trade in the Prius for a fully electric Toyota and switch to spinach in future.
Incidentally, if you do speak to Dave again, could you ask him for Bob’s number for me please?
Is it a Hitachi VHS camera he uses?
Sony
A
*pronounced 'sow-knee' "
Oh! I have had a sore knee!
Oh hang on …. Ooops! Oay attention Linda  |
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"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A
Is that a Pilates move
Wouldn't have a clue.
I'm allergic to exercise.
A
Is pilates an exercise ? That's not what my instructor told me I wondered why I needed to wear stockings "
Sounds like we may have the same instructor... |
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"My mate Dave (everyone knows a Dave) called earlier in great distress.
He's just got back from his honeymoon with his new 19 year old Victoria's Secret model wife and she called him at work this morning to ask him to pop to this little boutique fresh food shop 100 miles away after work to pick up some Kale, and picked from the Italian village where they'd just honeymooned, for a special salad she was going to make him for dinner tonight. She told him it was obviously going to take him a few hours driving there and back but not to worry and it would be well worth it.
Now Dave told his boss, and being the lovely boss he is, he gave him the rest of the day off to head straight there and get home to spend time with his new bride. Dave arrived at said boutique salad emporium to find they were all out of said special Kale apparently due to brexit, so he left empty handed and headed home.
Dave arrived back much earlier than obviously expected and walked through the front door to find his teenage bride on all fours with her pilates instructor Xavier (pronounced 'Xavier' like Professer Xavier from X-Men, not 'Havier' like the Spanish do) pounding her arse from behind whilst her hairdresser Jorge (pronounced 'Whore-Hay' like what they do abroad) was spaffing his baby gravy over her face, with their 70 year old next door neighbour Bob (pronounced Bob) filming the proceedings on an old VHS camcorder.
He was so shocked and flabbergasted he turned, slammed the door, jumped into his Prius and immediately called me for advice.
I told him not to panic and that Kale is Kale, I'd seen some at our local Aldi this morning and that she'd never know the difference.
He hung up and I haven't heard from him since.
Am I wrong? Doesn't all Kale taste the same - i.e. shit?
A"
How bored were you today Obi to type all of that?  |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"My mate Dave (everyone knows a Dave) called earlier in great distress.
He's just got back from his honeymoon with his new 19 year old Victoria's Secret model wife and she called him at work this morning to ask him to pop to this little boutique fresh food shop 100 miles away after work to pick up some Kale, and picked from the Italian village where they'd just honeymooned, for a special salad she was going to make him for dinner tonight. She told him it was obviously going to take him a few hours driving there and back but not to worry and it would be well worth it.
Now Dave told his boss, and being the lovely boss he is, he gave him the rest of the day off to head straight there and get home to spend time with his new bride. Dave arrived at said boutique salad emporium to find they were all out of said special Kale apparently due to brexit, so he left empty handed and headed home.
Dave arrived back much earlier than obviously expected and walked through the front door to find his teenage bride on all fours with her pilates instructor Xavier (pronounced 'Xavier' like Professer Xavier from X-Men, not 'Havier' like the Spanish do) pounding her arse from behind whilst her hairdresser Jorge (pronounced 'Whore-Hay' like what they do abroad) was spaffing his baby gravy over her face, with their 70 year old next door neighbour Bob (pronounced Bob) filming the proceedings on an old VHS camcorder.
He was so shocked and flabbergasted he turned, slammed the door, jumped into his Prius and immediately called me for advice.
I told him not to panic and that Kale is Kale, I'd seen some at our local Aldi this morning and that she'd never know the difference.
He hung up and I haven't heard from him since.
Am I wrong? Doesn't all Kale taste the same - i.e. shit?
A
How bored were you today Obi to type all of that? "
I was watching paint dry. Literally!
Second coat tonight so be warned.....
A |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I was watching paint dry. Literally!
Second coat tonight so be warned.....
A
In this heat, it's a quick 20min in and out adventure "
I'd heard it was quicker ...
(oh you are not talking about sex, sorry)  |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"
I was watching paint dry. Literally!
Second coat tonight so be warned.....
A
In this heat, it's a quick 20min in and out adventure "
Yep.
I got told that in bed last night.
A |
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"My mate Dave (everyone knows a Dave) called earlier in great distress.
He's just got back from his honeymoon with his new 19 year old Victoria's Secret model wife and she called him at work this morning to ask him to pop to this little boutique fresh food shop 100 miles away after work to pick up some Kale, and picked from the Italian village where they'd just honeymooned, for a special salad she was going to make him for dinner tonight. She told him it was obviously going to take him a few hours driving there and back but not to worry and it would be well worth it.
Now Dave told his boss, and being the lovely boss he is, he gave him the rest of the day off to head straight there and get home to spend time with his new bride. Dave arrived at said boutique salad emporium to find they were all out of said special Kale apparently due to brexit, so he left empty handed and headed home.
Dave arrived back much earlier than obviously expected and walked through the front door to find his teenage bride on all fours with her pilates instructor Xavier (pronounced 'Xavier' like Professer Xavier from X-Men, not 'Havier' like the Spanish do) pounding her arse from behind whilst her hairdresser Jorge (pronounced 'Whore-Hay' like what they do abroad) was spaffing his baby gravy over her face, with their 70 year old next door neighbour Bob (pronounced Bob) filming the proceedings on an old VHS camcorder.
He was so shocked and flabbergasted he turned, slammed the door, jumped into his Prius and immediately called me for advice.
I told him not to panic and that Kale is Kale, I'd seen some at our local Aldi this morning and that she'd never know the difference.
He hung up and I haven't heard from him since.
Am I wrong? Doesn't all Kale taste the same - i.e. shit?
A
How bored were you today Obi to type all of that?
I was watching paint dry. Literally!
Second coat tonight so be warned.....
A"
I’ll “look forward” to that |
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"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A
Is that a Pilates move
Wouldn't have a clue.
I'm allergic to exercise.
A
Is pilates an exercise ? That's not what my instructor told me I wondered why I needed to wear stockings "
Compression stockings, surely?!  |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A
Is that a Pilates move
Wouldn't have a clue.
I'm allergic to exercise.
A
Is pilates an exercise ? That's not what my instructor told me I wondered why I needed to wear stockings
Compression stockings, surely?! "
Brave. So brave
A |
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"You were wrong. You should have advised him to put some caterpillars on the kale for authenticity.
Can you get me the pilates instructors number, mine has moved?
Xavier says what time do you want your back doors smashed in?
A
Is that a Pilates move
Wouldn't have a clue.
I'm allergic to exercise.
A
Is pilates an exercise ? That's not what my instructor told me I wondered why I needed to wear stockings
Compression stockings, surely?! "
... |
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"^^
I have another friend like you. She never tires of reminding me that I'm practically prehistoric
That wasn't the intention, actually
But if the cap fits
*Scarpers* "
As well you might! I'm not to old to...well actually I am |
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"^^
I have another friend like you. She never tires of reminding me that I'm practically prehistoric
That wasn't the intention, actually
But if the cap fits
*Scarpers*
As well you might! I'm not to old to...well actually I am "
I'm sure compression stockings could be made sexy |
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"^^
I have another friend like you. She never tires of reminding me that I'm practically prehistoric
That wasn't the intention, actually
But if the cap fits
*Scarpers*
As well you might! I'm not to old to...well actually I am
I'm sure compression stockings could be made sexy "
The green ones with the toes out? You can be sure there is someone somewhere who finds them sexy. There always is. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"^^
I have another friend like you. She never tires of reminding me that I'm practically prehistoric
That wasn't the intention, actually
But if the cap fits
*Scarpers*
As well you might! I'm not to old to...well actually I am
I'm sure compression stockings could be made sexy
The green ones with the toes out? You can be sure there is someone somewhere who finds them sexy. There always is. "
Are we talking latex thigh high open toe stockings - or am I misunderstanding the compression purpose? |
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"^^
I have another friend like you. She never tires of reminding me that I'm practically prehistoric
That wasn't the intention, actually
But if the cap fits
*Scarpers*
As well you might! I'm not to old to...well actually I am
I'm sure compression stockings could be made sexy
The green ones with the toes out? You can be sure there is someone somewhere who finds them sexy. There always is. "
There's one on our profile somewhere |
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"^^
I have another friend like you. She never tires of reminding me that I'm practically prehistoric
That wasn't the intention, actually
But if the cap fits
*Scarpers*
As well you might! I'm not to old to...well actually I am
I'm sure compression stockings could be made sexy
The green ones with the toes out? You can be sure there is someone somewhere who finds them sexy. There always is.
Are we talking latex thigh high open toe stockings - or am I misunderstanding the compression purpose? "
I think you're misunderstanding |
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"Try roasting your kale, A. It's a revelation. But you've got to time it as it burns really quickly.
Call Dave back to tell him, too. He deserves to know."
I think it was his wife who got the roasting |
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