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Jokes so shit they're kinda good...
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By *JJ_6969 OP Man
over a year ago
Aspull |
Give me your best.
I'll go first.
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a snail on a boat ?
A snailor.
The mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the one moth say to the other moth
I'm moth |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the sea say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to a zoo that only had one animal that was a dog. It was a shihtzu |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?
Cos the parrots-ate-them-all
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"I went to a zoo that only had one animal that was a dog. It was a shihtzu "
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What did the buffalo say when his son left
Bison. |
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By *akspeedCouple
over a year ago
blackdown hills |
What did the cheese say when he looked in a mirror?
Helloooo mee |
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And if anyone makes a fish pun, please let minnow |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Liverpool football club |
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"What did the buffalo say when his son left
Bison. "
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowlady?
Snow balls!  |
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
"What did the cheese say when he looked in a mirror?
Helloooo mee "
What cheese can you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone. |
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Whats the difference between a buffalo and I bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?
There was nothing left but de-brie |
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If you're too weak..does that make you a fortnight?..  |
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"Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?
Cos the parrots-ate-them-all
"
close it's
Parrots eat em all
(Paracetamol) |
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Why do giraffes have such long necks?
Because their head's are so far away from their bodies. |
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There are three types of people in this world
Those who can count and those that can’t |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's brown n sticky
My shit |
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
"What's brown n sticky
My shit"
I was going to say "a stick". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?
Grassy ass |
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What's yellow and grey, and very dangerous?
Shark infested custard. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been trying to think of fruit and veg jokes.
If you can think of any lettuce know |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall....
Dam |
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"Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?
Cos the parrots-ate-them-all
close it's
Parrots eat em all
(Paracetamol)"
Thank you! I was struggling to work that one out |
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's very time consuming. |
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick. |
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Why did the wee biscuit cry?
It's maw was away for too long. |
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By *hismMan
over a year ago
Ballygonowhere |
What do dentists call x-rays?
Tooth pics
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By *hismMan
over a year ago
Ballygonowhere |
I'd like to tell you a funny story about my new house build,but I'm still working on it |
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What's black and dangerous, and lives in tree?
A crow with a machine-gun. |
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What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back.
A stick |
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Whats the difference between ooohhh and aaahhhh
About 3 inches |
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I think make-up sex is brilliant and I love it.
Until I have to clean the foundation and mascara from under my foreskin!
*I'll get me coat* |
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What do you get hanging from banana trees?... sore arms. |
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Irish ram raider spent £20 on petrol chasing a mobile shop |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What did the cheese say when he looked in a mirror?
Helloooo mee
What cheese can you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone."
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you
Nacho cheese |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An English man a scotch man and an Irish man walked into a bar
Ouch ,ouch ,ouch |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s big red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus |
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Why was the dwarf laughing while he was walking?
The grass was tickling his balls. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger |
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By *lappyMan
over a year ago
Manchester |
tomorrow is make a building from Lego day ….. I’m bricking it |
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"An English man a scotch man and an Irish man walked into a bar
Ouch ,ouch ,ouch "
You drink Scotch. We're called Scots  |
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Guy walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says "hi the names Bond".....
She replies "I suppose your first name is James"
"Actually it's Uni and I'm here to fill your crack" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw a burglar breaking into his own house yesterday. He must have been working from home. |
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By *wcdfor2TV/TS
over a year ago
SKELMERSDALE |
I was comparing the prices of Peat and manure on line, turns out there's not mulch in it. |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the perverts house.
Knock knock
Whose there?
The chicken |
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What's long hard and full of seamen?
A submarine |
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What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?
Your mum |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? |
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[Removed by poster at 09/02/23 18:30:16] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My son asked me to explain a total eclipse. I said no son |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 09/02/23 18:41:24] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did Kermit the Frog say when he got to the top of the hill?
I muppet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you cut the sea in half???
With a SEA-SAW
I’ll see myself out |
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What’s a cat’s favourite colour?
Purrrrple |
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Knock knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One snake asks his friend "are we poisonous?"
Friend replies "no, why?"
First snake says " pheew.. that's good, I just bit my tongue" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tried to catch fog the other day ... mist |
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Get me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy |
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the hardest thing to do in the world?
Milk, chocolate digestives |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What did the cheese say when he looked in a mirror?
Helloooo mee
What cheese can you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's green and brown, has 6 legs, and is highly dangerous?
A snooker table with a machine gun. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's pink and smells of Ginger?
Fred Astaires' fingers. |
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What do you call a blind Bambie
No eye dear |
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whats wrong with micky mouses helicopter
disney land |
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By *burns7Man
over a year ago
walsall |
Call a Russian who’s got one ball?
Nick abollockov |
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Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I walked into a club last week with a strict dress code, the doorman said “You haven’t got a tie on”
He said “Put these jump leads around your neck, in you go, just don’t start anything” |
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What is E.T. short for?
He has little legs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call an Indian heroin addict...
Syringeit |
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I bought some Viagra tea bags
Does nothing for my sex life but stops my biscuits going limp when I dunk them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some vegetarian girl said she recognised me today but I've never seen herbivore |
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"I bought some Viagra tea bags
Does nothing for my sex life but stops my biscuits going limp when I dunk them "
I bought the eye drops once’s. Did nothing for my sex life but made me look hard |
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What do you call a French man wearing sandles?
Philippe Filop |
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Where do cows go to watch films?
To the Mooooovies |
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By *ames-77Man
over a year ago
milton keynes |
"Where do cows go to watch films?
To the Mooooovies "
Killed the thread lol |
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For all the folk from Scotland of a certain age...
What's the difference between bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings and Walt disnae |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was flying a passenger plane and the control tower picked me up and asked for my height and position?
I said I was five foot two and sitting in the front |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did 1 snowman say to the other snowman?....
Can you smell carrots?
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Chicken and frog visit the library.
Chicken says
Book book book
Frog says
Readit readit readit |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ?
Because it was dead ! |
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Why did the Baker have brown hands?
He kneaded a poo
J |
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"Liverpool football club "
If you're a Man United fanz the jokes on you!!!! |
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By *akbearMan
over a year ago
Newbury |
"What do you call a blind Bambie
No eye dear"
What do you call a blind Bambie with no legs???
Still no eye dear |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Apparently, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Personally, I've never eaten a monkey |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you know that dogs can’t see inside you?
Cat scan though. |
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"What do you call a blind Bambie
No eye dear
What do you call a blind Bambie with no legs???
Still no eye dear"
What do you call a blind deer with no legs who is being mated with?...
F**cking, still no eye deer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll try a grape. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call a blind Bambie
No eye dear
What do you call a blind Bambie with no legs???
Still no eye dear
What do you call a blind deer with no legs who is being mated with?...
F**cking, still no eye deer."
What do you call a fly with no wings ?
A walk |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with no shins ?
Tony …. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some good news for insomniacs.
Only two sleeps till Christmas. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. |
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What do you call a dog who is deaf, blind and has no legs?...
Anything you want,- he still won't come to you. |
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By *.T.Man
over a year ago
Glasgow |
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
a wooly jumper |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the Mexican fireman call his 2 sons?
Jose and hose b.
What would be the best cheese to tempt a bear out a tree?
Camenbert |
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I had a dream i was swimming in fizzy orange.
It was a Fanta sea |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears. |
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"What did the Mexican fireman call his 2 sons?
Jose and hose b.
What would be the best cheese to tempt a bear out a tree?
Camenbert "
What did the Greek cheese say as it looked into a mirror?
Hullo me |
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What kind of cheese does Findus use to flavour its lasagne?
Maskapony |
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"
What do you call a fly with no wings ?
A walk "
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A currant |
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By *b72Man
over a year ago
Nottingham |
A limbo dancer walks into a bar.!!!! |
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Man goes to the DR.
Man- Dr I’ve got terrible shakes , it’s like all the time.
Dr - oh I see. Do you drink alot?
Man- No Dr I spill most of it…
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As one Dundonian Siamese twin said to another -
Have you seen Oor Wullie? |
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I saw a second hand tv for sale on t’internet.
55” flat screen smart tv.
£10 good working order but stuck on maximum volume.
I thought what a bargain… I can’t turn that down… |
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3 people went into a cafe one had egg and chips one sausage and chips 3rd one had chicken and chips….which one was the sailor man ……..the one with the sailor suit on….its bad but remember my grandad telling it me
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What time does this international women's day Finnish
I'm starving |
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I'm on a music diet
I've given up Bread jam hot chocolate..Cream and meatloaf |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I asked my cat who her favourite Chinese dictator is and she said "Mao". |
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By *ames-77Man
over a year ago
milton keynes |
What part of a vegetable can't you eat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call an Irish sniper?
Rick O'Shea |
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Can February March? No, but April May! |
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The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense. |
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By *burns7Man
over a year ago
walsall |
Call a guy with no shins?
Tony |
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Why did Shakespeare only write using pens?
Pencils confused him
2B or not 2B |
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I was addicted to the hokey kokey……but I turned myself around. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies |
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman,
The mosquito won't stop sucking till I slap it. |
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick. |
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By *iyoMan
over a year ago
kent |
Why can’t a cock be 12” long ?
Because then it would be a foot ! |
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A friend of mine offered me 4 sides of venison for £500:00
I thought that’s two deer…. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is said to the baker “how come all your cakes are 50p but that one is a £1?”
He said “thats Madeira cake” |
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Hey guys, something to remeber.
Without women, life would be a pain in the arse. |
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"What do you call an Irish sniper?
Rick O'Shea "
I thought he was the guy who bounced off walls |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two parrots on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish?'
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'I will drive , you fire the gun'
I will get my own coat and taxi .... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is said to the baker “how come all your cakes are 50p but that one is a £1?”
He said “thats Madeira cake” "
That legit made me laugh  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy and Murphy throwing stones at the floor….
Paddy missed! |
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Pady sits down at the doctors doctor asks whats wrong
So paddy tells him everwhere i poke on my body it hurts
Doctor show me
Pady procedes to poke all over his body and sure enough crys out in pain
Doctor
Ok you daft c##t i know whats wrong you have broken your finger  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the rabbit "What blood type are you?"
"I'm probably a Type-O", replied the rabbit. |
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Just landed myself a new job at a zoo circumcising elephants.
The pay is low, but the tips are massive. |
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What is the slowest moving creature on the planet.
A nudist climbing through a barbed wire fence. |
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"What is the slowest moving creature on the planet.
A nudist climbing through a barbed wire fence. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Made a belt out of watches earlier, waist of time |
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By *xydadbodMan
over a year ago
Milton keynes |
What did the eye say to the other eye?
Something between us smells |
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A guy sitting in the pub orders 5 tequila shots drinks them really quick then orders another 5 does the same again downs them bartender ask what's the rush guy replies you would drink them as quick if you had what I had bartender asks what he has guy replies he only has £2 |
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"A guy sitting in the pub orders 5 tequila shots drinks them really quick then orders another 5 does the same again downs them bartender ask what's the rush guy replies you would drink them as quick if you had what I had bartender asks what he has guy replies he only has £2 "
Thats terrible
I'll send into my chat that will love it
MrsAbz |
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What’s better than Ted Danson
Ted singing and danson. |
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"What’s better than Ted Danson
Ted singing and danson. "
Awful but I shall put it on for my fellow terrible joke lovers
MrsAbz |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife has gone to the West Indies.
Oh, really? Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.... |
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What do you call a cross between an Elephant and a Rhino?
'ell if I know |
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"I asked my cat who her favourite Chinese dictator is and she said "Mao"."
Brilliant |
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2024 will be the year I finally put my pantomime addiction behind me. |
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My wife said she was going out for 2 hours
I said I hate those little dogs. |
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"2024 will be the year I finally put my pantomime addiction behind me."
Oh no you wont!! |
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"2024 will be the year I finally put my pantomime addiction behind me.
Oh no you wont!!"
Oh yes I will!! |
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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago
Transsexual Transylvania |
What's black and yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
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"Give me your best.
I'll go first.
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat... "
tickled me that one |
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By *ndycoinsMan
over a year ago
Whaley Bridge,Nr Buxton, |
Shot at some Fog today,Mist. |
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What’s blue and smells like red paint
Blue paint
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear the story about the magic tractor??
Turned into a field: |
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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
The comedian Roger Swift has a set full of deliberately bad prop puns. He delivers it with such panache, it is brilliant  |
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Oh, just updated my status with a Christmas cracker |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
What sort of music does Santa’s elves listen to whilst working?
Wrap music lol  |
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What's the kinkiest type of pasta?
Rigger Tony.
One day I'll retire on my Christmas Cracker royalties.
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There’s so much nudity and sex on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
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What do you call a Pakistani in a milk bottle?
Ramdin |
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Elton John is upset, cos Storm Pia has blown his e-reader away.
Apparently it was there one minute and then it went like a Kindle in the Wind |
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How do snowmen get to work?
By icicle. |
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The ex tried to humiliate me in front of her friends.....said I was shit in bed....should have seen her face when they disagreed with her. |
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Overcooked my Hawiain pizza last night.
Next time, I'll turn my oven to aloha setting.....
.... I'll get me coat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?
A liquor cabinet. |
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By *akspeedCouple
over a year ago
blackdown hills |
What’s more dangerous than 2 girls running with scissors?
2 girls scissoring with the runs!! |
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By *immyGGMan
over a year ago
South Cheshire |
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*gagging noises |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats green and smells of pork?
Kermits fingers |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats green and turns red at the flick of a switch??
A frog in a blender  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Overcooked my Hawiain pizza last night.
Next time, I'll turn my oven to aloha setting.....
.... I'll get me coat"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I accidentally took the cats medicine this morning instead of my own....don't ask meow. |
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"I accidentally took the cats medicine this morning instead of my own....don't ask meow. "
 ... stealing... |
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