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Having to spend time with someone who you have a personality clash with
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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I wondered if anybody had any methods of finding peace in the company of somebody who it is very difficult to be around.
Not being in their company once in awhile is not an option, and often I'm alone with them (again not an option to always have other people around) and therefore need make conversation.
They are unaware of how they come across and the way they talk about other people is quite distasteful to me (and would be to most of the population I expect).
So I'm not asking for ways of avoiding being alone with them or out of their company, I'm asking how to rise above feeling annoyance and keep my peace.
I have calmly and nicely tried to explain my views and why their attitude to other people is not becoming, but they find it funny that it can bother me, although these days I have said quite firmly to them, that I am refusing to get annoyed about it as I don't want to feed the fire.
The inner feelings I have in the situation are uncomfortable and I would love to find some mental ways of feeling different inside, even though on the outside I think I remain completely calm and almost indifferent.
(Please keep any replies and advice to the forum thread.)
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"I wondered if anybody had any methods of finding peace in the company of somebody who it is very difficult to be around.
Not being in their company once in awhile is not an option, and often I'm alone with them (again not an option to always have other people around) and therefore need make conversation.
They are unaware of how they come across and the way they talk about other people is quite distasteful to me (and would be to most of the population I expect).
So I'm not asking for ways of avoiding being alone with them or out of their company, I'm asking how to rise above feeling annoyance and keep my peace.
I have calmly and nicely tried to explain my views and why their attitude to other people is not becoming, but they find it funny that it can bother me, although these days I have said quite firmly to them, that I am refusing to get annoyed about it as I don't want to feed the fire.
The inner feelings I have in the situation are uncomfortable and I would love to find some mental ways of feeling different inside, even though on the outside I think I remain completely calm and almost indifferent.
(Please keep any replies and advice to the forum thread.)
"
Invent an obnoxious alter ego and mirror they're shutty attitude back at them and add stuff they find annoying. It's not the real you so you can justify being a douche to them see how they like it. |
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It sounds like you are in an impossible situation with this one OP! Without the context behind the other person (are they the same age/much older generation) it’s difficult to give advice, but I generally just use banter when I’ve been in similar situations- it takes away some (not all) of the anger or despair others comments make me feel. Good luck! D x |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"
Invent an obnoxious alter ego and mirror they're shutty attitude back at them and add stuff they find annoying. It's not the real you so you can justify being a douche to them see how they like it."
It's more how they talk about other people that is the issue, not how they actually treat me. I can deal with how they treat me, the problem is how nasty and judgemental they are about others.
I need to find a way to keep my inner peace and let there were just have no resonance.
Maybe I'll have to think of them as a child who just doesn't understand the world or speak the same language, or something |
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"
Invent an obnoxious alter ego and mirror they're shutty attitude back at them and add stuff they find annoying. It's not the real you so you can justify being a douche to them see how they like it.
It's more how they talk about other people that is the issue, not how they actually treat me. I can deal with how they treat me, the problem is how nasty and judgemental they are about others.
I need to find a way to keep my inner peace and let there were just have no resonance.
Maybe I'll have to think of them as a child who just doesn't understand the world or speak the same language, or something"
My Nan was exactly like that! But think you may have a good strategy with the child who doesn’t understand the world. Sometimes lonely people are just the worst people to be around because they become very bitter and twisted about the world.  |
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That’s a pain OP.
Sounds like you need some sort of ‘happy’ corner in your mind that you can drop into whilst outwardly appearing to be engaging with them.
Probably not very helpful but best of luck. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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Thank you everyone, you given me some ideas to try.
I may sort out a treat I would like for myself, and then once I've left their company without getting annoyed, I will reward myself.
It's got to be character building too I guess! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP simply be true to yourself and other in question. Suppressing these kinda feelings will not benefit anyone. Not an easy decision to make and I can only advise u in what I would do, if it were me in a similar position. Never ideal to talk behind peeps back, better to tackle the problem head on in the hope that it'll bring u peace in mind. Life's too short to let things like this fester. Good-luck.  |
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I can totally understand how their negativity is wearing.
Can you use 1 phrase to say to them to deflect their toxic talk.
For example, "I'm not interested in that". Then refuse to engage further?
If you use it repeatedly they might get the hint. It might also save your energy.
Good luck OP. |
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Obviously don't know the context of the interaction but is it possible to be in their presence but almost pretend they're not there? Don't invite to speak to them. Respond to questions with short, closed, factual answers. Maintain a physical distance. Would any of that work?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Look up the Grey Rock method online. Basically it is a coping tactic one can use whereby one becomes as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest in trying to start or sustain a conversation with them. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Obviously don't know the context of the interaction but is it possible to be in their presence but almost pretend they're not there? Don't invite to speak to them. Respond to questions with short, closed, factual answers. Maintain a physical distance. Would any of that work??"
Unfortunately I have to be very polite and to interact and tolerate them.
I do maintain a physical distance, although that's not really an issue, it's more their converational attitude. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Look up the Grey Rock method online. Basically it is a coping tactic one can use whereby one becomes as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest in trying to start or sustain a conversation with them. "
Off to check that out now. Thanks |
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"Obviously don't know the context of the interaction but is it possible to be in their presence but almost pretend they're not there? Don't invite to speak to them. Respond to questions with short, closed, factual answers. Maintain a physical distance. Would any of that work??
Unfortunately I have to be very polite and to interact and tolerate them.
I do maintain a physical distance, although that's not really an issue, it's more their converational attitude."
Can you keep the conversation simple, factual and as mono syllabic as possible? |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
"Obviously don't know the context of the interaction but is it possible to be in their presence but almost pretend they're not there? Don't invite to speak to them. Respond to questions with short, closed, factual answers. Maintain a physical distance. Would any of that work??
Unfortunately I have to be very polite and to interact and tolerate them.
I do maintain a physical distance, although that's not really an issue, it's more their converational attitude.
Can you keep the conversation simple, factual and as mono syllabic as possible? "
I think I will try to do that, and also incorporate grey rocking into my toolbox to deal with this, and also breathwork, (as a link while researching grey rocking led to breathwork to help too).
When they are being kind, I will give them more attention, when they are being more difficult, I will open this mental toolbox I feel I am building.
Thank you so much everyone, I already feel better equipt and more confident and capable of putting this situation in its place.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a difficult one which I can totally relate to.
I work a 12hr night shift with someone who sounds very similar to this person.
In the past I found it very hard not to rise to the bait and indeed did many times.
My coping strategy now is complete calm no matter how much I might feel I’m going to self combust. I talk quietly and stay in control. If she tries to gossip to me about other colleagues I tell her I’m not interested and don’t discuss my work mates. If it’s general work gossip I say “Really? I never hear anything. My head must be in the clouds. I much prefer it that way”
This approach is finally showing results.
It’s not easy and I hate it when I know I’m on shift with her but I feel so much better for it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is a difficult one which I can totally relate to.
I work a 12hr night shift with someone who sounds very similar to this person.
In the past I found it very hard not to rise to the bait and indeed did many times.
My coping strategy now is complete calm no matter how much I might feel I’m going to self combust. I talk quietly and stay in control. If she tries to gossip to me about other colleagues I tell her I’m not interested and don’t discuss my work mates. If it’s general work gossip I say “Really? I never hear anything. My head must be in the clouds. I much prefer it that way”
This approach is finally showing results.
It’s not easy and I hate it when I know I’m on shift with her but I feel so much better for it."
OP, this is grey rocking in a nutshell. Hope this helps!  |
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Why don’t just be a grown up and tell them straight. I don’t like you I’m only here because I have to be, don’t expect me to talk to you. So let’s just sit here and ignore each other to save any awkwardness.
The mr |
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"I wondered if anybody had any methods of finding peace in the company of somebody who it is very difficult to be around.
Not being in their company once in awhile is not an option, and often I'm alone with them (again not an option to always have other people around) and therefore need make conversation.
They are unaware of how they come across and the way they talk about other people is quite distasteful to me (and would be to most of the population I expect).
So I'm not asking for ways of avoiding being alone with them or out of their company, I'm asking how to rise above feeling annoyance and keep my peace.
I have calmly and nicely tried to explain my views and why their attitude to other people is not becoming, but they find it funny that it can bother me, although these days I have said quite firmly to them, that I am refusing to get annoyed about it as I don't want to feed the fire.
The inner feelings I have in the situation are uncomfortable and I would love to find some mental ways of feeling different inside, even though on the outside I think I remain completely calm and almost indifferent.
(Please keep any replies and advice to the forum thread.)
"
Don't think that their would be anything anyone could say that could change how you feel about this person and their aggressive tone but mind over matter...... If you dont mind it don't matter  |
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This what makes me dubious who to meet on fab. Spending a hour in a room with someone who very difficult to talk to is not great experience i want to repeat. I'm guessing if I can chat to them easily on text/fsb, they should be ok to meet in person? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is a difficult one which I can totally relate to.
I work a 12hr night shift with someone who sounds very similar to this person.
In the past I found it very hard not to rise to the bait and indeed did many times.
My coping strategy now is complete calm no matter how much I might feel I’m going to self combust. I talk quietly and stay in control. If she tries to gossip to me about other colleagues I tell her I’m not interested and don’t discuss my work mates. If it’s general work gossip I say “Really? I never hear anything. My head must be in the clouds. I much prefer it that way”
This approach is finally showing results.
It’s not easy and I hate it when I know I’m on shift with her but I feel so much better for it."
This what I do  |
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"This what makes me dubious who to meet on fab. Spending a hour in a room with someone who very difficult to talk to is not great experience i want to repeat. I'm guessing if I can chat to them easily on text/fsb, they should be ok to meet in person?"
It doesn't necessarily mean they have a personality  |
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I have a family member like this and she is never going to change. so I fall into caretaker mode when in her company, this gives me the inner peace and protection from her rants, she needs to rant as no one else will listen to her. And I love her enough to wear that suit of mental armour and take it. However I don't encourage or join in with them, I distract into a different conversation ASAP and have a hot bath, bubbles and wine that night to reset my equilibrium as its exhausting.
Good luck OP  |
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Since im quite a placid person and can talk to anyone, As well as get on with them really well.
I can let things go even if they annoy me, Theres times when I cant.
Well ive had 3 of them, 2 of them I couldnt tollerate and we got to having a full on go with each other.
1 was recent.
The one before that I kinda got fed up of there demands and expecting me to be a servant for them, Even when I was considerate and moved things for them.
One thing ticked me off and then it started
Id had enough and then they got told what I thought of them, and that they dont deserve what they think they should get.
Then I just stayed out of there way for a bit, then we was on speaking terms as I tollerated them.
It wasnt uncomfortable as we all 4 of us had meals together, as that would be wrong to do.
As I was the guest in there property.
In the end I actually helped him out bought a few things for them, I did get a thankyou off of them and him |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I work with someone who has some very strange views, in fact, it's my manager. Most of the time it's just me and them. To start with it bothered me a bit, especially when something close to me was spoken about.
But.... I'm not a snowflake and I most certainly do not take offense on someone elses behalf! If I dont like what they say, I tell them regardless of their superior position. After a year they've got the measure of me and I them and most of the time things run smoothly.
Unless its personally aimed at you or a loved one, dont accept the offence.
My philosophy is..... offence is never given, it's only taken! |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Read The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters this book will put your brain in the right place to deal with any situation,"
I will have a look at this, and thank you so much for everyone's input there has been some absolutely brilliant suggestions and support here, which to be fair is one of the best things about Fab. |
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By *vilgasamWoman
over a year ago
The dot in the i |
‘Other people’s thoughts are a reflection of themselves, absolutely nothing to do with the person they’re aimed at’
A quote I once read which lifted a huge weight of my shoulders, could make it a little easier to handle your tough situation too op  |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"‘Other people’s thoughts are a reflection of themselves, absolutely nothing to do with the person they’re aimed at’
A quote I once read which lifted a huge weight of my shoulders, could make it a little easier to handle your tough situation too op "
I will keep this in my head while in their company.
Thank you so much |
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I'd probably just tell them straight that I don't like the way they speak about people and would prefer that they don't do it.
If it was at work I'd follow it up by asking them not to speak to me unless it's work related. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"I'd probably just tell them straight that I don't like the way they speak about people and would prefer that they don't do it.
If it was at work I'd follow it up by asking them not to speak to me unless it's work related. "
I have tried that and because of the way they are, they enjoy even more not respecting what I've asked. I will be ignoring them in the future though, when they are talking about things but I'm not interested in discussing.
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"Look up the Grey Rock method online. Basically it is a coping tactic one can use whereby one becomes as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest in trying to start or sustain a conversation with them. "
Yes. Given you've said you've tried to set a boundary, just be very very boring when they talk about stuff that winds you up. They're going for a reaction.
Reward them with a reaction when they're not being a douchebag.
(This works pretty well with some of my relatives, who make Hitler look like a left wing snowflake) |
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"I'd probably just tell them straight that I don't like the way they speak about people and would prefer that they don't do it.
If it was at work I'd follow it up by asking them not to speak to me unless it's work related.
I have tried that and because of the way they are, they enjoy even more not respecting what I've asked. I will be ignoring them in the future though, when they are talking about things but I'm not interested in discussing.
"
In that case just wait until nobody else is within earshot and tell them that they're a douchebag and you're going to put laxative in their coffee....just make sure you're smiling as you say it, especially if there's CCTV in the building
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