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Internalised fatphobia
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A post for the ladies really -
Earlier I had a message from someone
saying "I love your big sexy ass". And I was offended. Why? Ignoring the fact its a rubbish opening line, I was offended by the "big" aspect which doesn't make sense. It is big, and it's fabulous. So why does other people calling it/me big offend me so much? Is it a millennial thing, where we were taught big is bad and big is wrong?
Why is it I see other women who are plus sized and think they are fabulous/gorgeous/all the awesome words, and yet I can't say that about myself?
I'm not fishing here, im genuinely wondering if its my generation that's damaged by the patriarchy or all? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it’s more social ideologies more than anything. Standards are consistently changing and the standards we grew up with (fellow millennial) are different to Gen X and Gen Z. You’ve every right to feel how you feel, and you do right to enforce your own boundaries.
Social media hasn’t helped matters, other than reinforce Boomer standards, and Women centred media (magazines and Loose Women) basically have the same message just honeyed up to make you feel better. |
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I totally get what you’re saying OP. It’s ok for you to think/say that about yourself, but not others, especially in a first message. They should tread carefully and could have just said ‘you’ve got a gorgeous arse’, no need for the ‘big’ |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm also aware I've contradicted myself in the above post haha
But that's part of it I think. We know we're fabulous and yet struggle to really accept it from other people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I totally get what you’re saying OP. It’s ok for you to think/say that about yourself, but not others, especially in a first message. They should tread carefully and could have just said ‘you’ve got a gorgeous arse’, no need for the ‘big’ "
Fully agree. Language makes all the difference. |
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"A post for the ladies really -
Earlier I had a message from someone
saying "I love your big sexy ass". And I was offended. Why? Ignoring the fact its a rubbish opening line, I was offended by the "big" aspect which doesn't make sense. It is big, and it's fabulous. So why does other people calling it/me big offend me so much? Is it a millennial thing, where we were taught big is bad and big is wrong?
Why is it I see other women who are plus sized and think they are fabulous/gorgeous/all the awesome words, and yet I can't say that about myself?
I'm not fishing here, im genuinely wondering if its my generation that's damaged by the patriarchy or all?"
I don’t think you are big at all.  so guess feeling put out in your shoes acceptable. Saying just “sexy ass is far nicer for the ego .
I know I am big and have to accept that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A post for the ladies really -
Earlier I had a message from someone
saying "I love your big sexy ass". And I was offended. Why? Ignoring the fact its a rubbish opening line, I was offended by the "big" aspect which doesn't make sense. It is big, and it's fabulous. So why does other people calling it/me big offend me so much? Is it a millennial thing, where we were taught big is bad and big is wrong?
Why is it I see other women who are plus sized and think they are fabulous/gorgeous/all the awesome words, and yet I can't say that about myself?
I'm not fishing here, im genuinely wondering if its my generation that's damaged by the patriarchy or all?"
Would you like it if it was a friend/ lover saying it? Someone who you absolutely knew that they meant it in a fabulous, heartfelt way?
If a stranger said it I'd be annoyed. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Adjectives in first (and subsequent!) messages should be carefully considered.
"
Oh, how so? I can't say English Lit was really my strong suit at school? What have I done wrong? |
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"Adjectives in first (and subsequent!) messages should be carefully considered.
Oh, how so? I can't say English Lit was really my strong suit at school? What have I done wrong? "
Sorry - I missed the end of the sentence; I meant by the person sending the message  |
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Because unasked for opinions on my (& other womens) body, are needless and usually thoughless and cruel.
Its a societal problem. Advertising, social media, print and TV, etc etc, all see fit to comment on women's bodies.
So it follows that people here feel its acceptable too.
Its not.
A lot of the time, my response is, leave women alone.
I don't need your comments or feedback on my body. It's not a democracy.
As you can tell, it hits a nerve. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A post for the ladies really -
Earlier I had a message from someone
saying "I love your big sexy ass". And I was offended. Why? Ignoring the fact its a rubbish opening line, I was offended by the "big" aspect which doesn't make sense. It is big, and it's fabulous. So why does other people calling it/me big offend me so much? Is it a millennial thing, where we were taught big is bad and big is wrong?
Why is it I see other women who are plus sized and think they are fabulous/gorgeous/all the awesome words, and yet I can't say that about myself?
I'm not fishing here, im genuinely wondering if its my generation that's damaged by the patriarchy or all?
Would you like it if it was a friend/ lover saying it? Someone who you absolutely knew that they meant it in a fabulous, heartfelt way?
If a stranger said it I'd be annoyed. "
Oooo interesting. Yes I think that would make all the difference.
I think because "big" is a word like "fat". Nothing wrong with them when they are used correctly and I think we should reclaim them, but when someone you don't know uses them.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Adjectives in first (and subsequent!) messages should be carefully considered.
Oh, how so? I can't say English Lit was really my strong suit at school? What have I done wrong? "
He means the guy shouldn't have used the descriptive word 'big' in his first msg and should remember not to for any other msgs he sends to you or others |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Adjectives in first (and subsequent!) messages should be carefully considered.
Oh, how so? I can't say English Lit was really my strong suit at school? What have I done wrong?
He means the guy shouldn't have used the descriptive word 'big' in his first msg and should remember not to for any other msgs he sends to you or others"
Thanks, I was being over sensitive and worried I think haha |
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We each bring our own histories, ideals and, sometimes, our struggles. These aren't divorced from social pressures upon our appearance. It's tragic the levels of pain that some feel, for not being 'good enough', judging themselves against noxious pressures and standards.
 |
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I think many of us automatically associate being described as big, fat, BBW etc as negative, because no matter what is apparently fashionable or desirable, it's still the case that slimness is most often associated with beauty. Although many media organisations are including diverse models, e.g. Snag tights, there are always disparaging comments underneath about those people who are larger or who diverge from "standard" ideals of beauty.
My husband likes to squish the chub on my tummy - he really and genuinely loves me, my chubby bits, he can't keep his hands off me and is just an enamoured now as 19yrs ago. Yet, I still cannot see myself as attractive, mainly because I am fat. I've never struggled to find a boyfriend, but I also know guys who knew me at school didn't say they fancied me, because I wasn't the sort of girl you wanted to be seen with (fat, lifted weights and a swot).
I have no idea how I might overcome my feelings about my body. I'm trying though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Adjectives in first (and subsequent!) messages should be carefully considered.
Oh, how so? I can't say English Lit was really my strong suit at school? What have I done wrong?
He means the guy shouldn't have used the descriptive word 'big' in his first msg and should remember not to for any other msgs he sends to you or others
Thanks, I was being over sensitive and worried I think haha "
Ah no worries, easily done |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think many of us automatically associate being described as big, fat, BBW etc as negative, because no matter what is apparently fashionable or desirable, it's still the case that slimness is most often associated with beauty. Although many media organisations are including diverse models, e.g. Snag tights, there are always disparaging comments underneath about those people who are larger or who diverge from "standard" ideals of beauty.
My husband likes to squish the chub on my tummy - he really and genuinely loves me, my chubby bits, he can't keep his hands off me and is just an enamoured now as 19yrs ago. Yet, I still cannot see myself as attractive, mainly because I am fat. I've never struggled to find a boyfriend, but I also know guys who knew me at school didn't say they fancied me, because I wasn't the sort of girl you wanted to be seen with (fat, lifted weights and a swot).
I have no idea how I might overcome my feelings about my body. I'm trying though."
Your husband sounds like a lovely human
I think we are deeply damaged by the media that was around in the early 2000s. Not too say its not damaging now of course, but the "Bridget Jones" era is unique. We were gas lit for 10 years that the Jones woman was fat. |
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"I think many of us automatically associate being described as big, fat, BBW etc as negative, because no matter what is apparently fashionable or desirable, it's still the case that slimness is most often associated with beauty. Although many media organisations are including diverse models, e.g. Snag tights, there are always disparaging comments underneath about those people who are larger or who diverge from "standard" ideals of beauty.
My husband likes to squish the chub on my tummy - he really and genuinely loves me, my chubby bits, he can't keep his hands off me and is just an enamoured now as 19yrs ago. Yet, I still cannot see myself as attractive, mainly because I am fat. I've never struggled to find a boyfriend, but I also know guys who knew me at school didn't say they fancied me, because I wasn't the sort of girl you wanted to be seen with (fat, lifted weights and a swot).
I have no idea how I might overcome my feelings about my body. I'm trying though.
Your husband sounds like a lovely human
I think we are deeply damaged by the media that was around in the early 2000s. Not too say its not damaging now of course, but the "Bridget Jones" era is unique. We were gas lit for 10 years that the Jones woman was fat. "
My husband is absolutely fabulous and gorgeous and clever and lots of other positive things. I started wearing glasses this week and he's gone nuts for them  
It's unsurprising to me that you are a very similar age. The "fashion" when we were teens was all about being slim. Pierced bellybuttons were all the rage. Crop tops and low slung trousers. Kate Moss was all over Just 17 and similar teen magazines. Magazines criticised any weight gain in female celebrities. Etc. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A lovely big sexy bum is not only lovely and sexy but trendy now too.
So it was meant as nothing but a compliment  "
Trendy? Have you not heard? Kim Kardashian has gone thin again. We can't keep up. |
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"I'm also aware I've contradicted myself in the above post haha
But that's part of it I think. We know we're fabulous and yet struggle to really accept it from other people. "
A lot of people, across all generations, struggle to accept compliments. I don’t think it is specific to any one generation. |
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It may have been a poorly worded or received compliment, but it was given in good faith. You may think your bum is big, but in relative terms it's not and personally for me I think it's perfect. I would happily plant myself face deep in there and setup a nest. There will always be people out there that are awful human beings who no matter how gorgeous you are will try to tear you down, that is not a reflection on you. There are the other people that see all the imperfections, like that one crazy eyebrow hair, or that really big freckle and they see past it to the beautiful, confident and sexy woman you are. That is all on you. |
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"I think many of us automatically associate being described as big, fat, BBW etc as negative, because no matter what is apparently fashionable or desirable, it's still the case that slimness is most often associated with beauty. Although many media organisations are including diverse models, e.g. Snag tights, there are always disparaging comments underneath about those people who are larger or who diverge from "standard" ideals of beauty.
My husband likes to squish the chub on my tummy - he really and genuinely loves me, my chubby bits, he can't keep his hands off me and is just an enamoured now as 19yrs ago. Yet, I still cannot see myself as attractive, mainly because I am fat. I've never struggled to find a boyfriend, but I also know guys who knew me at school didn't say they fancied me, because I wasn't the sort of girl you wanted to be seen with (fat, lifted weights and a swot).
I have no idea how I might overcome my feelings about my body. I'm trying though.
Your husband sounds like a lovely human
I think we are deeply damaged by the media that was around in the early 2000s. Not too say its not damaging now of course, but the "Bridget Jones" era is unique. We were gas lit for 10 years that the Jones woman was fat. "
Her and the fact her happiness was dictated by having a man (or not).
Add in heroin chic on fashion runways in the 1990s too. |
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"A post for the ladies really -
Earlier I had a message from someone
saying "I love your big sexy ass". And I was offended. Why? Ignoring the fact its a rubbish opening line, I was offended by the "big" aspect which doesn't make sense. It is big, and it's fabulous. So why does other people calling it/me big offend me so much? Is it a millennial thing, where we were taught big is bad and big is wrong?
Why is it I see other women who are plus sized and think they are fabulous/gorgeous/all the awesome words, and yet I can't say that about myself?
I'm not fishing here, im genuinely wondering if its my generation that's damaged by the patriarchy or all?"
I'm an old Millenial/Xennial. I've always had a big ass in proportion to the rest of me even when I wasn't plus-sized.
Being black and coming from Caribbean culture, all the men loved a big ass to wine on. That's why African American women are dying getting BBLs ( brazilian butt lifts) in the DR ( Dominican Republic)
Until my ass and hips came in at about age 14/15, I thought I was the skinniest, flat chested, unsexiest thing alive. I definitely envied the girls with more curves even though I was a tom boy and hated bras. I thought about getting a boob job. I'm so glad I didn't. My plus-sized boobs are a DD!
If I had had a boob job in my twenties, I wouldn't be able to find bras in Primark in my 40s Lol! |
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"I think one of the most positive things a woman can do for herself is to stop comparing herself to others. That stuff is bloody exhausting "
That's the stupid thing about it! I don't spend time comparing myself to others. I just look and see this fat woman with saggy boobs and have decided I'm unattractive (despite being attractive to at least one person in the world )
I know it's not rational. |
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"I think many of us automatically associate being described as big, fat, BBW etc as negative, because no matter what is apparently fashionable or desirable, it's still the case that slimness is most often associated with beauty. Although many media organisations are including diverse models, e.g. Snag tights, there are always disparaging comments underneath about those people who are larger or who diverge from "standard" ideals of beauty.
My husband likes to squish the chub on my tummy - he really and genuinely loves me, my chubby bits, he can't keep his hands off me and is just an enamoured now as 19yrs ago. Yet, I still cannot see myself as attractive, mainly because I am fat. I've never struggled to find a boyfriend, but I also know guys who knew me at school didn't say they fancied me, because I wasn't the sort of girl you wanted to be seen with (fat, lifted weights and a swot).
I have no idea how I might overcome my feelings about my body. I'm trying though."
I respectfully suggest 2 books that might interest you.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle.
&
Crushing It by Kortney Olson. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is odd something we see as a positive in others is a negative in ourselves. Dare I say it, it's more about how we see ourselves in general? Rather than how we view the thing itself.
I'm not sure if say its internalised anything. Or cause by any group.
As wouldnt the patriarchy also make us see all xyz as being bad rather than the xyz only being bad when it's said to me.
Tldr. The words may not have caused the feelings. The feelings may have caused the words to be interpreted a certain way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We each bring our own histories, ideals and, sometimes, our struggles. These aren't divorced from social pressures upon our appearance. It's tragic the levels of pain that some feel, for not being 'good enough', judging themselves against noxious pressures and standards.
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is odd something we see as a positive in others is a negative in ourselves. Dare I say it, it's more about how we see ourselves in general? Rather than how we view the thing itself.
I'm not sure if say its internalised anything. Or cause by any group.
As wouldnt the patriarchy also make us see all xyz as being bad rather than the xyz only being bad when it's said to me.
Tldr. The words may not have caused the feelings. The feelings may have caused the words to be interpreted a certain way. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I get where you are coming from OP, its funny how men are expected to have a thick skin on Fab, but not so much women!
Its down to self perception and trigger words, I think, some of which might be generational.
I hate when men talk about my thick thighs, even though, thats exactly what they are! |
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Personally, I thinks it’s the matriarchy that’s the problem, not the patriarchy.
We women are more critical of ourselves, and each other than men ever are. Whether it’s our bodies, clothes or behaviours.
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The one thing I've learned during my six months on Fab is that too many people on here place too much emphasis on "the body shape". It's like it the be all and end all for them. No mention in their profiles of looking for a good sense of humour, or personality, or confidence, it's all about the "body".
Not all of us have a toned, perfect body, but reading the forums on here, you get the impression that the "body" us all that matters. For me, some people on here are very shallow.
For me, personality and sense of humour is the most attractive trait in a person,not a gym fit, toned body.
I have a dad bod, man boobs and flabby, wobbly bits everywhere, but it's what I am, and it ain't going to change. I just wish some people on here would look beyond "the body", and give those of us who don't gave the perfect body a chance. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Personally, I thinks it’s the matriarchy that’s the problem, not the patriarchy.
We women are more critical of ourselves, and each other than men ever are. Whether it’s our bodies, clothes or behaviours.
"
Strongly disagree. If men didn't exist would women be as critical of themselves?
|
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"Personally, I thinks it’s the matriarchy that’s the problem, not the patriarchy.
We women are more critical of ourselves, and each other than men ever are. Whether it’s our bodies, clothes or behaviours.
Strongly disagree. If men didn't exist would women be as critical of themselves?
"
I don’t know the answer to that, but women definitely are. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What I will say…might be harsh for some..
It sounds like you don’t love your body if you can’t say that to yourself..
our body’s do everything for us and you need to nurture it,love it and respect it.
Because you think “fat” is a “bad” word it has been brainwashed to you when you were smaller and since we live in days if you support any body positivity pages,you’re bad person,because you think fat people are healthy people etc… this 21. Century is fucked up.. all these social media influencers gets paid to model their body’s and sign agreement for their body’s/face being photoshopped..
women’s love to compare their body’s to someone else’s… it’s a habit,bad habit. But once you feel comfortable in your body and people around you starts notice it,they will find other ways to make you feel bad,mentally abuse you…
Beauty comes in different sizes,different colours,different body shapes, all breasts are beautiful,all vaginas and penis are beautiful… if you are body conscious, stop complaining,stop focusing on flaws and see beauty,do something about it…
Mrs |
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I hear you loud and clear.
As a lady who has been size 18 to size 32 and back down now to a size 20/22 it has been a struggle all my life not to let my size go up and up.
I do get a bit miffed if somebody goes on about me being big if I think it's a slur, but most times it's paired with beautiful so I don't mind that so much.
I can understand some would be offended, and larger ladies are not everybodys cup of tea.
The media tries to make us all the perfect size 6 or whatever but it's not for all of us.
I guess it's up to each of us to explain how we feel when talking to somebody about this issue.  If it's cool, it's cool, and if it's not, tell them in no uncertain terms then they know where they stand with you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally, I thinks it’s the matriarchy that’s the problem, not the patriarchy.
We women are more critical of ourselves, and each other than men ever are. Whether it’s our bodies, clothes or behaviours.
"
The Witch-hood. They call it the sisterhood but that's bollocks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The one thing I've learned during my six months on Fab is that too many people on here place too much emphasis on "the body shape". It's like it the be all and end all for them. No mention in their profiles of looking for a good sense of humour, or personality, or confidence, it's all about the "body".
Not all of us have a toned, perfect body, but reading the forums on here, you get the impression that the "body" us all that matters. For me, some people on here are very shallow.
For me, personality and sense of humour is the most attractive trait in a person,not a gym fit, toned body.
I have a dad bod, man boobs and flabby, wobbly bits everywhere, but it's what I am, and it ain't going to change. I just wish some people on here would look beyond "the body", and give those of us who don't gave the perfect body a chance. "
They want sex with people they are attracted to.
If they aren't attracted to you that doesn't mean you're not attractive.
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I'm also aware I've contradicted myself in the above post haha
But that's part of it I think. We know we're fabulous and yet struggle to really accept it from other people. "
Is it any different to telling a guy they have a gorgeous cock ? It’s all just a stranger defining your value in the most un-meaningful way.
Some people love , others don’t. I don’t think it’s a generation thing. |
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"Personally, I thinks it’s the matriarchy that’s the problem, not the patriarchy.
We women are more critical of ourselves, and each other than men ever are. Whether it’s our bodies, clothes or behaviours.
"
This...and are very happy to impose whatever criticism onto others. |
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"I absolutely love the attempts by men on this tread. They have all been absolutely lovely and mean well, but have missed the point entirely
"
Men have been in favour of large derrieres, and saying so for decades.
E.g. Fat bottomed girls by Queen.
I like big butts by Sir Mix-a-lot.
As a chunky chap, I find it hard to believe that people out there like larger lads. But fortunately they do. But if they reduced me to just a big bodypart, I'd be annoyed. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Away for Christmas |
"Personally, I thinks it’s the matriarchy that’s the problem, not the patriarchy.
We women are more critical of ourselves, and each other than men ever are. Whether it’s our bodies, clothes or behaviours.
Strongly disagree. If men didn't exist would women be as critical of themselves?
"
Yes, because women are people too and the amount of petty and critical bitchiness I've seen (from both men and women) over all kinds of things is rampant. It's a people thing, not a sexes/gender thing. |
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"Personally, I thinks it’s the matriarchy that’s the problem, not the patriarchy.
We women are more critical of ourselves, and each other than men ever are. Whether it’s our bodies, clothes or behaviours.
Strongly disagree. If men didn't exist would women be as critical of themselves?
"
I can only talk about myself, all I can say is I'm always critical about my body, and whether men like it or not makes no difference to that, my opinion on my own body is more important than theirs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I honestly think anyone born before 2000 will have been quietly bombarded with ‘skinny is better’ messages from the media, society, friends and family. We were all taught that being overweight was inherently bad, being thin was the aim and that’s what you had to aspire to.
Very very very hard mindset to change once it’s ingrained in you for so long |
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