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Dear Sir/Madam …………..
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Dear Sir,
Thank you for the message and the pictures you kindly sent me.
Firstly may I say that I hope that boil on your penis clears up soon, I’m sure once it erupts you will feel great relief, I believe Boots the chemist sell an effective drawing ointment.
I am an admirer of pro activity and for pushing boundaries, however if you could please remove me from your mailing list in respect to the special offer to smash my back doors in.
I have recently had new UPVC doors fitted and I certainly do not want Post Box Red ones.
I wish you well in your endeavours and cannot recommend that drawing ointment enough.
If you can be bothered post a reply to an imaginary or otherwise message.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Madam
Thank you for your reply.
I didn’t actually want to meet you anyway, you oversized fat cow.
I can pull any bird I want on a night out and wouldn’t even give you a second look
You snooty bitch
Yours faithfully
Billy Bigbollox |
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Dear Billy Bigbollox
Do you have an animal fetish ?
Your brief correspondence mentions cows, birds and bitches. Have you considered subscibing to Farmers Weekly ? They have full spead pull outs which may be of interest to you.
Best wishes
Fanny Flaps |
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"Dear Madam
Thank you for your reply.
I didn’t actually want to meet you anyway, you oversized fat cow.
I can pull any bird I want on a night out and wouldn’t even give you a second look
You snooty bitch
Yours faithfully
Billy Bigbollox "
Dear Billy Bigbollox,
Thank you for your message in which you inform me that you'd never fuck a woman my age as a rule but you are on the rebound and your balls are bursting.
I do not have the words to express what a boost your flattery has given me. Regrettably I need to inform you that I have been getting shafted left , right and centre for decades and I am not and never will be in need of your bulging balls.
Good luck on the trebound.
Peace , Love and Sex Billy
Pubic Patsy x |
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Dear sir,
Thank you for your kind and generous offer indicating that you are currently working in my area and would love to swing by and sort me out.
I would be delighted to take up that offer!
I assume you will be bringing your own couch, note book, a huge box of kleenex and plenty of time?
I have so many issues to work through - not least my deep distrust of men, the worry that the bodies I've hidden under the patio will be discovered, and my penchant for carving phallic symbols into root vegetables.
I'm sure that lots of tea, your sympathetic ear and hours of talking therapy will go some way to sorting me out.
Waiting eagerly,
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"Dear sir,
Thank you for your kind and generous offer indicating that you are currently working in my area and would love to swing by and sort me out.
I would be delighted to take up that offer!
I assume you will be bringing your own couch, note book, a huge box of kleenex and plenty of time?
I have so many issues to work through - not least my deep distrust of men, the worry that the bodies I've hidden under the patio will be discovered, and my penchant for carving phallic symbols into root vegetables.
I'm sure that lots of tea, your sympathetic ear and hours of talking therapy will go some way to sorting me out.
Waiting eagerly,
"
I bet he is wanking eagerly ! |
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Dear Pussy Destroyer,
Thank you for the delightful offer to rearrange my guts this morning by way of your fat meat invading my tight arsehole. I can assure you that your love muck leaking from my puckered love hole all day would not bring me the joy that you mention I would feel.
51 years my guts have been happily in place and I feel no real need to have them shifted to my ribcage.
So unfortunately I will have to turn down your delightful proposition this time but I wish you and your truncheon of love every success!
Kindest regards, Cherry x |
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Dear Mr Spunk Gun 3000
I was delighted to hear my pictures had such a positive effect on you. No-one wishes to be burdened with an unblown load after all.
I thank you for your interest in my knickers, but I'm going to politely decline the opportunity of posting them to you. You can go to Primark like everyone else.
Fondest wishes to you and your joystick
Dee x |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
Dear Sir
Thank you for the penis pictures, you were right, it was indeed the hardest cock I’ve ever seen. I particularly enjoyed photo number 25 of the set you sent me, I didn’t know it was possible to grip a cock that hard.
I look forward to hearing from you again.
Fondest regards
Luna  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear MassiveLoad12345
Thank you for your message this morning. I’m afraid I was asleep, with it being 3:25am n all that, I may have inadvertently left myself logged in and apologise for any resulting confusion.
Whilst I am thankful for your invitation to “drain you of all your hot spunk”, I rather suspect that you have mistaken me for a living version of the crusty sock that you wank into nightly. With that in mind, am am disinclined to acquiesce your request.
Yours sincerely
Mr Soze.
ps. Your wife told me to tell you that she’ll be home for breakfast.
Pps. I’m the reason she’s walking a little unusually. This usually goes away after a few hours. |
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Dear Madam
Yes I’m well aware that for every woman there are indeed 5237 men blowing smoke up your arse.
I am different to all the rest as I am actually not arsed that you have tits which you actually pop out to garner attention from said 5237 and I admire that your fanny came third in a Wookey Hole lookalike competition whilst maintaining your stance that a picture of a penis is actually the work of the devil on a bank holiday.
Yours wanking furiously over your pics.
Not desperate. |
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Dear Seeingwhatsabout
Thank you so much for your very eloquently articulated invitation to 'suck my man senseless while I watch and wank'.
Sadly, I will be declining as the somewhat blurred pictures that you attached of your (sorry I mean his) dick - at least I assume that's what the images are - suggest he needs a prompt visit to the clinic!
Once you've learned to use a camera, are feeling brave enough to add some pictures of the both of you, and have obtained certificates to demonstrate you've both been treated for that affliction which was on the blurry pics, then please do feel free to message me again. but please be aware... I'll be washing my hair, and imagining grass growing, whilst on the plane emigrating to the other side of the world.
Best wishes,
Youcant Foolme Dickhead |
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"Dear MassiveLoad12345
Thank you for your message this morning. I’m afraid I was asleep, with it being 3:25am n all that, I may have inadvertently left myself logged in and apologise for any resulting confusion.
Whilst I am thankful for your invitation to “drain you of all your hot spunk”, I rather suspect that you have mistaken me for a living version of the crusty sock that you wank into nightly. With that in mind, am am disinclined to acquiesce your request.
Yours sincerely
Mr Soze.
ps. Your wife told me to tell you that she’ll be home for breakfast.
Pps. I’m the reason she’s walking a little unusually. This usually goes away after a few hours. "
Can I say I genuinely thought you were online. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Sugar Puff
Thank you for the insulting and vile messages you send me on daily basis
You do realise though a block function is the way to go
And yes I realise what you want
And no I’d rather wash my hair well what I have got left
So in ending happy hump day
Fuck off
Yours sincerely
Albert stopcock  |
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Dear Piss Flaps Penelope,
Thank you sincerely for the unsolicited and decidedly uncouth photo of you inserting the kitchen whisk into your anus that you so kindly sent to me.
I observe with keen interest in the background of said pic that you appear to be lacking adequate hanging storage, resulting in your clothes being strewn all over your floor and hung over your window frames, door and radiators.
Might I suggest a trip to Argos who are offering a good deal on single pine wardrobes and additionally, for a small surcharge, will not only deliver it to you but also assemble it - although the said charge will sadly not include them clearing up all your laden clothing……nor removing the whisk that will likely be stuck awkwardly up your arse (for the latter issue I recommend a trip to A&E)
Yours,
A concerned citizen |
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I know I've posted this before....however. 
Dear Sir,
Thank you for the unexpected and unsolicited submission of your penis portrait for our consideration.
We regret to inform you that it has failed to pass our most basic standards of quality control at this time.
However, for a nominal fee we can offer you a report that will help you change that.
The A4 report, provided via postal service, will include a personalised booklet that covers the following:
1 - Why genitals are not an acceptable conversation opener (a step-by-step guide to saying hello)
2 - How to appear as though you weren't raised by wolves.
3 - Better ways to deal with your sexual frustration.
4 - How to dress your penis for social media (a rough guide to pants)
5 - Penis Reading: a new form of palmistry that may help you unlock the key to your future.
We will also answer questions you might have such as: "Do I have too much time on my hands?"
And "Why did my penis fail basic standards of quality control?"
(Note: The number one reason for this occurring is that it is attached to a bigger dick than itself.
Finally, as a gesture of goodwill, we intend to offer two free samples with all of your future penis portrait submissions;
An inventive critique of your pride & joy and a surprise consultation with your closest available family member about your portfolio.
We trust this exciting offer is acceptable and look forward to working with you in the near future.
Yours faithfully,
Winston
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Dear kinkybastards69,
Thank you for the “differently” worded and spelled message, I’d found Wordle to no longer be the challenge it once was, so deciphering your text was an unexpected mental workout that I rather enjoyed.
I also thank you kindly for the picture, thanks to reverse image search, of Mia Khalifa’s breasts. I find it remarkable that she is the female half of your couple and would be happy to meet her as part of a social meet, however she obviously has a busy schedule (understandable I suppose), leading to your offer of the Male half “sucking my cock better than any woman” so as to ascertain my suitability for a meet with you both as a couple.
Unfortunately I will have to decline, as the sight of the tangled knotted hairy mass alongside the Sky remote in the second pic you sent has led me to consider taking up abstinence and possibly even holy orders.
Regards TheRazorsEdge |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Dear sir
How kind of you to be yet again parked up in a lay-by less than a quarter of a mile away, on your knees ready for me. Unfortunately, like the other 25 times I am still heterosexual and so will not be requiring discreet oral sex from a male stranger.
Hopefully you can now continue your journey home from work and enjoy a nice cup of tea with your wife.
Kind Regards
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Dear Mr Hung
Thank you for your message with the same cock pics that you have on your profile. I thought seeing them once was enough but seeing them twice had me almost erupting with pleasure.
That pleasure was very much taken to the limit when I read your ‘will fill in later’ profile. That got me so worked up and then your status update of ‘need draining’ had me cumming over and over.
You are just a stud muffin and I for one can’t believe our luck that you messaged only us…
Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Miss boobies
I wish to discuss you message from the 26/08/2023 I would be very interested in you’re initial message describing what you would like me to do with those massive boobies
As you are aware I’m very adept at multitasking and wish to play with you’re flaps and mouth
Bit light SM cowgirl must be considered if interested message me with details so I can ask my mum can I come out to play hugs cuddles essential as part of cooling down period
From
Andy fellatio
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dearest personsofdisinterest.
We take your freedom of information request very seriously. Unfortunately the information you request does not exist within our files. There is no record of your your previous contact and none of your information has been retained for future use. We consider this matter closed and no further contact nessesary.
Yours sincerely, Mr & Mrs Gofuchyourself. |
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