FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dad jokes
Dad jokes
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Hit me with them 
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking- it's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives,
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact. I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What bird is always out of breath?
Puffin |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I got tired of being judged for going bald so I went out and bought a cheap wig.
It was a small price toupée. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I got tired of being judged for going bald so I went out and bought a cheap wig.
It was a small price toupée."
Omg, I was going to use that one later  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
The ice cream man was found dead in his van. He was covered in raspberry sauce, nuts and sprinkles.
Police think he topped himself. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I've been banned from the Secret Cooking Society..
I kept spilling the beans. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Jedus walks into a hotel, slams 3 nails on the counter and says "can you put me up for the night" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I got tired of being judged for going bald so I went out and bought a cheap wig.
It was a small price toupée.
Omg, I was going to use that one later "
Great minds or are we just stealing them from the same place? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian
Don't worry, I'm here all week |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
I'm starting to think you have a dad joke fetish and maybe even kink too... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
John Wayne Bobbitt has opened a vegan restaurant in Los Angeles.
It's called "No Meat and Two Veg". |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records…
Then the librarian asked me to take it out. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I got tired of being judged for going bald so I went out and bought a cheap wig.
It was a small price toupée.
Omg, I was going to use that one later
Great minds or are we just stealing them from the same place? "
No need to split hairs |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hit me with them
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking- it's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years."
Hahahahaha!!!
I want to learn how to read music. I keep pronouncing it mussak
(doesn't really work in type does it?) |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Dug
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Dug'less |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I got tired of being judged for going bald so I went out and bought a cheap wig.
It was a small price toupée.
Omg, I was going to use that one later
Great minds or are we just stealing them from the same place? "
Err, we’re clearly just both comedy geniuses |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hit me with them
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking- it's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
Hahahahaha!!!
I want to learn how to read music. I keep pronouncing it mussak
(doesn't really work in type does it?) "
It does, because I heard it yesterday, so it made me laugh |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm starting to think you have a dad joke fetish and maybe even kink too... "
Me, a kink involving Daddies  . Never ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Two sex workers are chatting and one asks the other “have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”, she replies “no but I’ve been swung round by the tits…” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What makes a joke a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you say to your sister when she's sobbing?
Are you having a crisis?
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Just before I die I'm going to eat an entire bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make my cremation a bit more fun.
Winston
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Just before I die I'm going to eat an entire bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make my cremation a bit more fun.
Winston
"
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ad66Couple
over a year ago
Manchester |
A man walks into a doctors surgery & says "doctor, I think I'm a moth"
Doctor says "pardon"?
Man repeats "I think I'm a moth"
Doctor says "I'm a GP, I think you need to see a psychiatrist"
Man says "I know but I saw your light on" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it man |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hit me with them
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking- it's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
Hahahahaha!!!
I want to learn how to read music. I keep pronouncing it mussak
(doesn't really work in type does it?)
It does, because I heard it yesterday, so it made me laugh "
YOu were listening to radio 2 as well then? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hit me with them
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking- it's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
Hahahahaha!!!
I want to learn how to read music. I keep pronouncing it mussak
(doesn't really work in type does it?)
It does, because I heard it yesterday, so it made me laugh
YOu were listening to radio 2 as well then?"
I was, but I didn’t have you down for a Radio 2 man |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've just bought majority shares in a vampire hunting business.
I'm now the biggest stakeholder. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
If you suck at playing trumpet..
that's probably why. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *for2Man
over a year ago
Bristol |
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Lady Astor dressed up as a policewoman and told my I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *inell1Man
over a year ago
Ipswich |
My ex wife laughed when I told her I was making a car out of spaghetti...she stopped laughing when i drove pasta |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
The checker at the grocery store asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.
I told her to leave it in the carton. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Two sex workers are chatting and one asks the other “have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”, she replies “no but I’ve been swung round by the tits…”"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.
He said: “Me? How?”
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hit me with them
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking- it's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
Hahahahaha!!!
I want to learn how to read music. I keep pronouncing it mussak
(doesn't really work in type does it?)
It does, because I heard it yesterday, so it made me laugh
YOu were listening to radio 2 as well then?
I was, but I didn’t have you down for a Radio 2 man "
Oh there's lots about me that I don't show. I have many layers |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The checker at the grocery store asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.
I told her to leave it in the carton."
FFS |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I said to the vet “the dog’s ate all my James Blunt records “
He said “been sick?”
I said not since I last listened to them.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Not really a dad joke but....
Superman was flying through the night sky when he saw wonder woman lying on a rooftop spread eagle he swooped down fucked her at the speed of light and flew of. Wonder womwan said what was that the invisible Man said I don't know but my arse is killing |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!
Too many stupid questions; Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me ! !
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil ..... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *andonmessMan
over a year ago
A world all of his own |
I asked my German neighbour if he knew the square root of 81. He said no. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I will always remember the last thing my dad said, before he kicked the bucket.
" How far, do you think I can kick this bucket ? "  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
No one will listen to Whitesnake with me. So here I go again on my own |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My girlfriend got pissed off with me watching so much football and gave me an ultimatum
, her or the football.
I’ll really miss her call she had been with me for 2 seasons |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!
Too many stupid questions; Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"No one will listen to Whitesnake with me. So here I go again on my own"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-
person meetings, but never in online
meetings.
When I asked them why, they said that
my jokes weren't remotely funny. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-
person meetings, but never in online
meetings.
When I asked them why, they said that
my jokes weren't remotely funny."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.
I've already put myself down. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I have been trying to find out what LGBTQ means.
I can never get a straight answer |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.
I've already put myself down."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I have been trying to find out what LGBTQ means.
I can never get a straight answer"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0mg |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Girlfriend asked me to kiss her somewhere warm, wet and smelly
So I took her to Canvey Island |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0mg"
Hahaha |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My friend David lost his ID...
Now I call him Dav.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a fish with no eyes
Fsh |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Two prostitutes standing on a corner one says to the other tonights going be a good night I can smell the dick in the air the other says sorry I just burped |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
How did the Italian chef die?
He pasta way |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Lmao Totally hilarious |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes……..so she gave me a BIG HUG. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!
Too many stupid questions; Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?"
That made me lol
Here’s one for you:
My mate was telling me that he’d failed his Aboriginal music exam…
… I asked him “didja redo it?”
I’ll get my coat. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Where do you display pictures of eggs?
In a photo albumen  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
How to Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My dad said ‘nothing rhymes with orange’.
I told him straight, it just doesn’t. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My wife says I have two faults…………I don’t listen & I can’t remember what the other one was. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her “I think you mean fewer” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've had such a busy day. Just sorted out my father in law's belongings, put his good stuff on eBay, his old clothes in a charity shop and asked the estate agent to begin the process of selling his house.
He'll be raging when he gets from his bowling weekend. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My Latin scholar friend has refused to tell me the Roman numerals for the numbers 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500.
IM LIVID. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My Latin scholar friend has refused to tell me the Roman numerals for the numbers 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500.
IM LIVID."
If I could give you an approving nod I would |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My Latin scholar friend has refused to tell me the Roman numerals for the numbers 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500.
IM LIVID."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Genuinely made this joke to my gf the other week.
We ordered pizza to the flat. She had bbq, I ordered a nacho pizza to try.
At some point she said to me that she wanted to try mine and would take a slice of it when it got there.
Told her no, she couldn't have any of it.
She looked a little sad and confused and asked me why.
And I told her simply. Because it's nacho pizza  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"How did the Italian chef die?
He pasta way"
Why should you never fight an Italian Baker?
Because they beat the foccacia... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Did you hear about this new restaurant in Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What is Batmans favourite fruit?
Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Police caught a pair of delinquents. One was eating batteries and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He was disqualified. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He was disqualified."
Some stole my limbo bar from my garage, I mean, how low can you go |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed my stuff and right
---
Person 1: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
Person 2: Oh my! Who!?
Person 1: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
Person 2: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
Person 1: No, it was with a knife... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm sick of going to weddings with the the old people saying "Ooooh you're next". It annoys me so much, I've started saying the same thing to them at funerals. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed my stuff and right
---
Person 1: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
Person 2: Oh my! Who!?
Person 1: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
Person 2: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
Person 1: No, it was with a knife..."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
A little outdated now but
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Some stole my limbo bar from my garage, I mean, how low can you go "
In the 1970's, Sister Sledge used to drive
around in British cars.
Their favourites were the Austin Music and
Cortina Trap. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why did Karl Marx only drink Earl Grey tea?
Because he thought all proper tea was theift |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What's an ostrich a pelican and inland revenue all got in common??
They can all stick the bills up there ass |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Did you know Yoda had a last name?
It was Layheehoo |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What did the shoe say to the chewing gum? Stick with me and your go far! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Did you here about the fight at the chipshop? A couple of fish got batterd! And some chips got asulted |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
I'm a social vegan, I'm avoiding meets |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My wife thinks I have commitment issues.
Well, I say ‘wife’……. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've got a new job. It's with a breakfast cereal company. I'm in charge of raisin bran awareness. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My mrs accused me of having OCD
i soon put her in her place |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My mrs accused me of having OCD
i soon put her in her place "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Wife:look at that d*unk bloke
Husband :who is he
Wife :he proposed to me 10 years ago
Husband :fuck me hes still celebrating |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I married my wife for her looks ,but not the ones shes giving me lately |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My wife just found out i replaced our bed with a trampoline ,she hit the roof |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I was wondering why the frisbee is getting bigger and bigger
And then it hit me |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I have got my wife a fridge for her birthday I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Dont you hate it when someone answers their own questions ,
I do |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Russian dolls ,theyre so full of themselves |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The man who invented the knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I bought 8 legs of venison for £200
Is that to dear? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My work colleagues just awarded me "Most Secretive Person" for the 10th year running.
I can't tell you how much this means to me. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
A son asks his dad. "Dad. what it is like
to be d*unk?"
The dad replies, "Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A d*unk man would see four of them. To that the son replies,
"But dad. I can see only one car." |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What does a Cowboy say on his 2nd rodeo?
It's not my first rodeo! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"A son asks his dad. "Dad. what it is like
to be d*unk?"
The dad replies, "Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A d*unk man would see four of them. To that the son replies,
"But dad. I can see only one car.""
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A red indian introduced me to his wife ,this is 4 horses
Wow i said ,what does that mean ?
He replied nag nag nag nag |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I got my wife a belt and a bag for her birthday!
The hover works great now! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I have a split personality ,said tom being frank |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?
A tiny part of of me says yes |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Jeremy Beadle has a very small cock.
On the other hand, it's actually quite big. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Someone glued my deck of cards together
I don't know how to deal with it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I've just been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Teacher said to wee Billy if there's 3 birds on a branch and you hit 1 with a stone how many are still on the branch
Billy replied none the others flew away the teacher replies to Billy that the answer is 2 but I like the way your thinking
Billy says miss I've got a question for you if there's 3 woman eating icecream and 1 is licking and one is biting and the other is sucking what one is married
The teacher thinks about it and said the one sucking
Wee Billy says no miss the 1 wearing the wedding ring but like I like the way your thinking |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *arrisonMan
over a year ago
Woolacombe |
"Whiteboards are remarkable "
Oh! That's good! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Im currently reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is gonna happen - I can feel it
Sorry  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Someone glued my deck of cards together
I don't know how to deal with it"
I’m reading a book about the history of glue, I just can’t put it down. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while."
The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill." |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Someone glued my deck of cards together
I don't know how to deal with it
I’m reading a book about the history of glue, I just can’t put it down. "
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *P994Man
over a year ago
Travelling |
I went to see my doctor today, he told me “you’re gonna have to stop masturbating” I asked him why and he replied “because I’m trying to examine you” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Those wind turbines though! not a big fan! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I played water polo once! The fucking horse drowned |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My grief counsellor died recently ,luckily he was so good i didnt give a shit |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Ill.tell what catches my eye ,
Small people with umbrellas |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
You know what I don’t get? A Sunday paper |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Did you know that if you weigh 90kg on Earth you only weigh 34kg on Mars?
So, I'm not fat after all. I'm just on the wrong fucking planet...
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you get if put nuts on the wall?...Walnuts
What do you get if you put nuts on your chest?...chestnuts
What do you get if you put nuts on your chin? ...MOUTHFULL OF COCK |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why did Spider-Man’s evil twin fail his driving test?
He was a bad parallel Parker |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *l6789Man
over a year ago
croydon |
Did you hear about the man that invented the knock knock joke?
He is getting the Nobel prize |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Got my Viagra mixed up with my sleeping tablet, just had forty wanks. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do the movies “The Titanic” and “The Sixth Sense” have in common?
Icy dead people. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
We were so poor when I was growing up, we only had a pocket calculator which didn't have a multiplication button on it.
Times were hard back then.
Er. I'll get my coat. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How do you find Will Smith in the snow??
Follow the Fresh Prince |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Two prostitutes standing on a corner one says to the other tonights going be a good night I can smell the dick in the air the other says sorry I just burped "
Parish priest walking down the road with the curate and they see two prostitutes on a street corner.
“That’s an eyesore”, said the parish priest. “That’s 2 nice whores” replies the curate |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Y'know why there's no pictures or video of polar bears eating penguins?....
They can't get the wrappers off |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
When writing a story about being a virgin you should always put in the first person |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A family stayed the night in a cheap motel.
The dad asked the receptionist if the porn in the room is disabled?
The receptionist answered no it's just regular porn, you sicko! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
BNAG!
that's bang out of order!! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars.
Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses.
Oh how the stables have turned. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars.
Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses.
Oh how the stables have turned."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction
But I know I can win her back. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
When I was a child the doctor said I had to where orthopedic shoes to help my posture I never thought ther would do anything but I stand correct! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I bet nobody will see this one coming…
1 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I bet nobody will see this one coming…
1"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX."
I’m still waiting for the applause emoji |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What noise does a mushroom car make?
Shrroooooom!! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I asked my German neighbour if he knew the square root of 81. He said no."
Brilliant! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’m not racist but, I can’t stand the 200m sprint |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What noise does a mushroom car make?
Shrroooooom!! "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Yorkshire ravers have started injecting ecstasy straight into their mouths for a faster hit, the procedure is called
E-by-gum |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Someone glued my deck of cards together
I don't know how to deal with it
I’m reading a book about the history of glue, I just can’t put it down. "
10 years ago I bought a book “How to avoid procrastination” haven’t got round to reading it yet |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Why did Spider-Man's evil twin fail his driver's test?
He was a bad parallel Parker. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *xydadbodMan
over a year ago
Milton keynes |
"Why did Spider-Man's evil twin fail his driver's test?
He was a bad parallel Parker."
Speaking of marvel jokes...
Why was Thanos so crazy? He snapped!
Thats a bad one I know |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Where do rainbows go?
Prism, but it’s a light sentence… |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why did Spider-Man's evil twin fail his driver's test?
He was a bad parallel Parker.
Speaking of marvel jokes...
Why was Thanos so crazy? He snapped!
Thats a bad one I know "
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up...
They’d be alloys. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
You know why I like jokes about childish behaviour?
It never gets old.... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
My wife wanted me to brighten up the garden.
So I've planted some bulbs |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
What do you call a septic cat?
Pus. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *eliusMan
over a year ago
Henlow |
[Removed by poster at 13/03/22 06:08:57] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *eliusMan
over a year ago
Henlow |
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says: “‘ere’ do you think this meat tastes funny?” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
