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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So two of my friends have been in an on-off relationship since uni. I was good friends with person A before I met person B through him and we became good friends too.
Now fast forward almost 6 years and, while I'm still friends with both of them, every time they break up they each tell me negative stuff about the other which always made me uncomfortable. At first I was supportive but then I just started being honest and telling them both that they just don't belong together, but obviously they never listen to me and just keep getting back together.
Now, over this past year B has been has an absolute godsend for me. He's helped me with countless personal problems and has been my rock throughout my weight loss and we've actually grown super close as a result. A, meanwhile, has turned really bitter over the past few years. He's made new friends that are just really shitty people and his morals have absolutely gone out the window. He's cheated on B countless times and just generally treated him like shit. We've also had some quite bad arguments and gone through periods of not speaking, but always end up reconciling because when things are good they're really good and we genuinely do love each other.
Now, last weekend me and A went out clubbing with some other friends. A told me that he and B had been broken up for about a month, and ended up bringing another guy home - he told me they didn't have sex but they did do everything but. That was all well and good, but today B messaged me asking how our night out was. I told him I was surprised he knew about it, as I didn't think he and A were still on speaking terms. That made B suspicious (ie since A told me they'd broken up that must have meant he was seeing other people) and immediately started asking me whether he'd hooked up with anyone. Before answering I phoned A to give him a heads up and he asked me to lie. I told him I wasn't willing to lie to B and he said "alright just tell him" and hung up. I didn't outright tell B he'd hooked up, I just said "he didn't have sex with anyone" but obviously he drew his own conclusions - which he would have done anyway had I just said to leave me out of it.
A is now pissed with me and B is obviously upset. I'm annoyed with both of them that I've a) been expected to lie and b) been expected to rat out my friend. And I also don't get how I've suddenly been put in the middle of it.
Am I the ass hole?! Should I have lied?? Or did I do the right thing?
*** sorry re-posting as I needed to edit something. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sweetie you aren’t the arsehole… I’m sorry but these two seem so complicated… like, A should have not cheated if he cared about B. And certainly you don’t have to feel bad for their bad decisions…
I swear I can’t deal with people like that who keep going back and forth even tho they basically just bring each other and everyone around them down along with them
Be kind to yourself and maybe try and step back a little xxx it’s not worth your mental health |
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I don’t think you’re the arsehole at all. A has put you in a really difficult position. By the sounds of it they’ve lied to you about their relationship with B, and then they’ve asked you to lie to B to cover for their lies to B. That isn’t fair to you or to B. If it were me I would probably have done the same as you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Too much D! (drama)
And lack of respect from both of them putting You in the middle of it.
I would be stepping away, briskly."
But I love them both so much  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Too much D! (drama)
And lack of respect from both of them putting You in the middle of it.
I would be stepping away, briskly.
But I love them both so much "
Then you need to clarify boundaries, of what is acceotable and not xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had this with two gay friends
One used to disappear for whole weekends
He used to blame the others gambling addiction
They both got told to sort themselves out and I'd remain a friend to both, but I wasn't willing to play Diplomat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You did the right thing for sure. I'm positive that it will all calm down and you'll be back on good terms with them both soon. But I do think you need to have a serious chat and let them know it's not OK to drag you into their problems and then take out their feelings on you. You're being put in the middle and it's not OK. It's not your fault. |
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"Too much D! (drama)
And lack of respect from both of them putting You in the middle of it.
I would be stepping away, briskly.
But I love them both so much "
I hear you, but would you treat someone the way they treat you? What would you tell one of them if they had 2 friends who treated them the way they do you?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Update on this:
I hadn't spoken to A since this whole thing happened to give him some time to stew. He messaged me out the blue last night to tell me he never wants to hear from me again and I'm a negative person who ruins everything around me.
So somehow a night out has ended in me losing my best friend of almost 10 years  yayyy, life is great... |
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"Update on this:
I hadn't spoken to A since this whole thing happened to give him some time to stew. He messaged me out the blue last night to tell me he never wants to hear from me again and I'm a negative person who ruins everything around me.
So somehow a night out has ended in me losing my best friend of almost 10 years yayyy, life is great... "
sorry to hear this
Sometimes life isn't worth the dramas...as one door closes another opens and all that  |
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Sorry you've lost one of your best friends over this, an awful situation to be put in the middle of, also it seems like they learnt on you a lot because they have such a toxic relationship where they are together for convenience and continuity now (I may be wrong and sorry if I am) which is not fair on you, I would say you are 100% not the arsehole in this situation at all. |
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No one is an arsehole.
Take control.
Tell them you WONT be a go-between.
Then make a firm decision to STOP being part of their drama.
Why give them advice when they ( from the little i've read ) are pretty histrionic and will continue this pattern.
Leave them to it. You don't have to stop being friends. Just stop giving advice. A shoulder to cry on maybe but keep your advice - they don't want it or from their CHOSEN way of behaving they don't need it.
Save your energy. |
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"Their circus, their monkeys, maybe time to put some boundaries up with both of them, as they keep putting their friend, (you) in a shitty position.
You deserve better. "
Agreed except she puts herself in the shitty position. |
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"Update on this:
I hadn't spoken to A since this whole thing happened to give him some time to stew. He messaged me out the blue last night to tell me he never wants to hear from me again and I'm a negative person who ruins everything around me.
So somehow a night out has ended in me losing my best friend of almost 10 years yayyy, life is great... "
Ooops...... Hope things go the way that's best for all. |
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I've spoken to B and he has told me this is the last straw but... We shall see. 
