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Auntie Ps advice line
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The wheels of justice turned
Till the tires were bald and burned
And when they's all adjorned
I asked myself
Am I un H A P P why?
Does a new born baby cry?
Did Elvis really die?
And I said to myself,
Is wrestling fixed?
What's on yer mind then?
As per, if you take my advice you've only got yourself to blame whe you find yourself doing bird with Fletcher at the pleasure of Her Maj.
Easily offended? Back the fuck out.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P,
For many years I've comforted myself with the knowledge that male pattern baldness was a sign of excess testosterone and natural virility. But yesterday while taking the cool evening air a Street urchin of indeterminate age or gender greeted me with a hearty 'You f-ing baldie twat !' that cut me to the quick.
Have I been living a lie ?  |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
Dear Aunty P.
I find myself unable to decide which of my billions of photos to remove from the public gaze to make my gallery more manageable.
Should I just start afresh? |
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"Dear Auntie P.
My uterus is being a contortionist today and it's rather annoying.
Please suggest DIY surgical removal methods and then how to cleanse the planet of this satanic beast."
You're gonna have to fake a recall letter from every vacuum manufacturer telling people to leave them on their front gardens before they explode and blow their houses up.... spam the local letterboxes.
Upon collection of these dust suckers, build a super vac.
Insert super nozzle up yer chuffta and prepare to watch your innards fly outwards.
Take a paracetamol or 2 mind. It'll come a bit sharp |
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"Dear auntie p.
Will I find my one true fuck
I have looked everywhere around the flat.
What can I do to find it"
Have you given a little whistle? Just a small one, too loud and it'll think it's in trouble |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Aunty P
I am too short for my weight, but am already a fucking giant.
Please make everyone grow so I can stretch out the flab
(I am aware of the irony asking you to make people grow  ) |
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"Dear Auntie P,
For many years I've comforted myself with the knowledge that male pattern baldness was a sign of excess testosterone and natural virility. But yesterday while taking the cool evening air a Street urchin of indeterminate age or gender greeted me with a hearty 'You f-ing baldie twat !' that cut me to the quick.
Have I been living a lie ? "
Are ya a twat? Only thou can answer!
Grab yourself a plastic straw and save the planet. Not by not using a plastic straw, but by using the plastic straw as a projectile tube for poison darts and remove these morons from the earth. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Aunty P
I want to fill the world with more happiness by delivering orgasms to women with gentle souls and naughty desires, using my tongue but I’m getting lost in the thousands of messages sent by single men
Spread love, everyone deserves to smile |
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"Dear Aunty P.
I find myself unable to decide which of my billions of photos to remove from the public gaze to make my gallery more manageable.
Should I just start afresh?"
Ones where you're wearing yellow. You ain't a fucking budgie.
If you got no yellow ones, go with the tried and tested "fuck it" closed eyes stab with a fork. |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Dear Aunty P.
I find myself unable to decide which of my billions of photos to remove from the public gaze to make my gallery more manageable.
Should I just start afresh?
Ones where you're wearing yellow. You ain't a fucking budgie.
If you got no yellow ones, go with the tried and tested "fuck it" closed eyes stab with a fork."
Stab phone with fork.
Check.
I'll get back to you. |
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"Dear Aunty P
I am too short for my weight, but am already a fucking giant.
Please make everyone grow so I can stretch out the flab
(I am aware of the irony asking you to make people grow )"
It'll be like a land of the ho ho ho jolly green giants 
Lilliput here I come |
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"Aunty P
I want to fill the world with more happiness by delivering orgasms to women with gentle souls and naughty desires, using my tongue but I’m getting lost in the thousands of messages sent by single men
Spread love, everyone deserves to smile"
Bless ya poppet.
You'll get more interest if you chop your tongue out, at least you'll be uniquely unique instead of just single manly unique
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Aunty P.
I find myself unable to decide which of my billions of photos to remove from the public gaze to make my gallery more manageable.
Should I just start afresh?
Ones where you're wearing yellow. You ain't a fucking budgie.
If you got no yellow ones, go with the tried and tested "fuck it" closed eyes stab with a fork."
Hey you! Nothing wrong with a budgie imitation, my yellow hair is a glorious example  |
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"Dear Aunty P.
I find myself unable to decide which of my billions of photos to remove from the public gaze to make my gallery more manageable.
Should I just start afresh?
Ones where you're wearing yellow. You ain't a fucking budgie.
If you got no yellow ones, go with the tried and tested "fuck it" closed eyes stab with a fork.
Hey you! Nothing wrong with a budgie imitation, my yellow hair is a glorious example "
And now I'm thinking big bird from Sesame Street. You must make a costume at once! |
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Dear Aunty P
Mrs KC wants a wild night of sexual abandon, but I've bought a rather nice cheesecake and frankly it's one or the other.
How do I break it to her gently that I'm going to be spoon deep in a cheesecake?!
Mr KC |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P.
I find myself unable to decide which of my billions of photos to remove from the public gaze to make my gallery more manageable.
Should I just start afresh?
Ones where you're wearing yellow. You ain't a fucking budgie.
If you got no yellow ones, go with the tried and tested "fuck it" closed eyes stab with a fork.
Hey you! Nothing wrong with a budgie imitation, my yellow hair is a glorious example
And now I'm thinking big bird from Sesame Street. You must make a costume at once!"
Funnily enough after bathing and the dye running, I mentioned the resemblance to drowning big bird |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Dear Aunty P.
I find myself unable to decide which of my billions of photos to remove from the public gaze to make my gallery more manageable.
Should I just start afresh?
Ones where you're wearing yellow. You ain't a fucking budgie.
If you got no yellow ones, go with the tried and tested "fuck it" closed eyes stab with a fork.
Hey you! Nothing wrong with a budgie imitation, my yellow hair is a glorious example
And now I'm thinking big bird from Sesame Street. You must make a costume at once!
Funnily enough after bathing and the dye running, I mentioned the resemblance to drowning big bird "
I'm not laughing at all.....
After my blue arse that's hilarious. |
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"Dear Aunty P
Mrs KC wants a wild night of sexual abandon, but I've bought a rather nice cheesecake and frankly it's one or the other.
How do I break it to her gently that I'm going to be spoon deep in a cheesecake?!
Mr KC"
Shove the cheesecake up her foof and eat it out of her.
Who cares about yeast infections, or vag wall spoon scratching? She'll never know. Shhhhhh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P
cock pic or not?
(on my profile obviously, not your inbox. I know better than to do that )
If so, my own or one that I reverse so that it doesn't show up on reverse image searches?
And do both of those questions, including this one, break any rules of question limits? |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Dear Auntie P.
I can’t be arsed with working anymore, how do I go about living a life of luxury whilst being a lazy git?
Sugar daddy, bump him off, collect reward and put yer feet up"
Cool.
Murder old guy.
Got it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear aunty P,
As a single guy, are there any tweaks you could recommend to my profile?
Also, what colour should I paint the spare bedroom?... I cant decide between a pale yellow, or a grey/blue...
Thanks!! |
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"Dear Auntie P
cock pic or not?
(on my profile obviously, not your inbox. I know better than to do that )
If so, my own or one that I reverse so that it doesn't show up on reverse image searches?
And do both of those questions, including this one, break any rules of question limits?"
Inflatable one so you can change it to whatever size people say they prefer. From dinky dick to donkey dick in the puff of a lung |
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Dear Auntie P m’lady, 
So.....erm.....I have found that I am recently somewhat addicted to groping my own arse in public; Especially Asda for some indiscernible reason.
As I’m presently on the receiving end of some decidedly disapproving glances, is there any feasible excuse i.e a stinking great lie, that I might offer to cover myself with? |
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"Dear aunty P,
As a single guy, are there any tweaks you could recommend to my profile?
Also, what colour should I paint the spare bedroom?... I cant decide between a pale yellow, or a grey/blue...
Thanks!!"
Plenty, but that would mean it appeals to me, and I'm a spanner.
As for the spare room... don't go to the effort of painting, make a mural out of socks n boxers, where you spunk in em and hurl them at the wall. Some will stick.
Abstract I believe it's called. |
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"Dear Aunty P
Mrs KC wants a wild night of sexual abandon, but I've bought a rather nice cheesecake and frankly it's one or the other.
How do I break it to her gently that I'm going to be spoon deep in a cheesecake?!
Mr KC
Shove the cheesecake up her foof and eat it out of her.
Who cares about yeast infections, or vag wall spoon scratching? She'll never know. Shhhhhh"
Peachy
Don't encourage him
Mrs KC |
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"Dear Aunty P
Mrs KC wants a wild night of sexual abandon, but I've bought a rather nice cheesecake and frankly it's one or the other.
How do I break it to her gently that I'm going to be spoon deep in a cheesecake?!
Mr KC
Shove the cheesecake up her foof and eat it out of her.
Who cares about yeast infections, or vag wall spoon scratching? She'll never know. Shhhhhh
Peachy
Don't encourage him
Mrs KC"
 |
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"Dear Aunty P
Mrs KC wants a wild night of sexual abandon, but I've bought a rather nice cheesecake and frankly it's one or the other.
How do I break it to her gently that I'm going to be spoon deep in a cheesecake?!
Mr KC
Shove the cheesecake up her foof and eat it out of her.
Who cares about yeast infections, or vag wall spoon scratching? She'll never know. Shhhhhh"
Excellent idea. I'll tell her the spoons a deluxe sex toy and she'll never know.
You've saved the day!
Mr KC |
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"Dear Auntie P m’lady,
So.....erm.....I have found that I am recently somewhat addicted to groping my own arse in public; Especially Asda for some indiscernible reason.
As I’m presently on the receiving end of some decidedly disapproving glances, is there any feasible excuse i.e a stinking great lie, that I might offer to cover myself with? "
Allergic to their own brand washing powder ain't ya, but you didn't wanna be a snob and purchase the good shit making the rest of us poor people feel a bit crap at the checkout, watching you with longing in our eyes, wishing we too could afford Persil |
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"Dear Aunty P
Mrs KC wants a wild night of sexual abandon, but I've bought a rather nice cheesecake and frankly it's one or the other.
How do I break it to her gently that I'm going to be spoon deep in a cheesecake?!
Mr KC
Shove the cheesecake up her foof and eat it out of her.
Who cares about yeast infections, or vag wall spoon scratching? She'll never know. Shhhhhh
Peachy
Don't encourage him
Mrs KC"
Lalalallaalalaaa can't hear you  |
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"Dear Auntie P m’lady,
So.....erm.....I have found that I am recently somewhat addicted to groping my own arse in public; Especially Asda for some indiscernible reason.
As I’m presently on the receiving end of some decidedly disapproving glances, is there any feasible excuse i.e a stinking great lie, that I might offer to cover myself with?
Allergic to their own brand washing powder ain't ya, but you didn't wanna be a snob and purchase the good shit making the rest of us poor people feel a bit crap at the checkout, watching you with longing in our eyes, wishing we too could afford Persil "
Classic! The ‘I’m allergic to own brand washing powder’ excuse it is then  |
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By the way, I have a humongous build up of Smegma around the head of my penis to the extent that it looks like plasterers have been mighty busy down there.
No....it’s not a problem m’lady but I just thought I’d share it with ya
If you ever run out of creamy Philadelphia.....well, you know where to turn...  |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
Soz Aunty P.... I've another.
I really really want to have a lady fiddle using my bullet. But the batteries have died and the new ones are downstairs.
And after I unsuccessfully asked for aid with my dehydration last night, I don't think anyone will help me get any.
What else can I use? |
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"By the way, I have a humongous build up of Smegma around the head of my penis to the extent that it looks like plasterers have been mighty busy down there.
No....it’s not a problem m’lady but I just thought I’d share it with ya
If you ever run out of creamy Philadelphia.....well, you know where to turn... "
Between this and the cheesecake thing |
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"Soz Aunty P.... I've another.
I really really want to have a lady fiddle using my bullet. But the batteries have died and the new ones are downstairs.
And after I unsuccessfully asked for aid with my dehydration last night, I don't think anyone will help me get any.
What else can I use?"
So you're upstairs?
Erm. Hairdryer at an angle and windsweep your clitoranjina. |
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"By the way, I have a humongous build up of Smegma around the head of my penis to the extent that it looks like plasterers have been mighty busy down there.
No....it’s not a problem m’lady but I just thought I’d share it with ya
If you ever run out of creamy Philadelphia.....well, you know where to turn... "
Ooooo, it'll go well with my egg white gusset slug. |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Soz Aunty P.... I've another.
I really really want to have a lady fiddle using my bullet. But the batteries have died and the new ones are downstairs.
And after I unsuccessfully asked for aid with my dehydration last night, I don't think anyone will help me get any.
What else can I use?
So you're upstairs?
Erm. Hairdryer at an angle and windsweep your clitoranjina. "
Thanks.
That's not fraught with danger at all. I'm in. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Soz Aunty P.... I've another.
I really really want to have a lady fiddle using my bullet. But the batteries have died and the new ones are downstairs.
And after I unsuccessfully asked for aid with my dehydration last night, I don't think anyone will help me get any.
What else can I use?
So you're upstairs?
Erm. Hairdryer at an angle and windsweep your clitoranjina.
Thanks.
That's not fraught with danger at all. I'm in."
Stick a condom on the end and you have yourself an inflatable somewhat vibrating plug! |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Soz Aunty P.... I've another.
I really really want to have a lady fiddle using my bullet. But the batteries have died and the new ones are downstairs.
And after I unsuccessfully asked for aid with my dehydration last night, I don't think anyone will help me get any.
What else can I use?
So you're upstairs?
Erm. Hairdryer at an angle and windsweep your clitoranjina.
Thanks.
That's not fraught with danger at all. I'm in.
Stick a condom on the end and you have yourself an inflatable somewhat vibrating plug!"
That'll never fit in there! |
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"Auntie P...
Completely unrelated to my previous question; how do I dispose of the corpse of an elderly guy? "
How well do you get on with your neighbours? 2 birds one stone, dump it in their garden then give plod a "tip off" |
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"Dear auntie p.
I have now been sitting here for an hour and a half,
Should I switch position or leave my arse to go numb"
Amateur. 4 hours minimum. Pins n needles from hell but you'll be so appreciative when they leave your body it'll feel euphoric. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Auntie P...
Completely unrelated to my previous question; how do I dispose of the corpse of an elderly guy?
How well do you get on with your neighbours? 2 birds one stone, dump it in their garden then give plod a "tip off" "
Nice one. I can’t see that going anyway other than aces |
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"Auntie P...
Completely unrelated to my previous question; how do I dispose of the corpse of an elderly guy? "
Erm.....maybe we can help each other out here sir?
I’m really tight but wish to do a BBQ this weekend...... |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Auntie P...
Completely unrelated to my previous question; how do I dispose of the corpse of an elderly guy?
Erm.....maybe we can help each other out here sir?
I’m really tight but wish to do a BBQ this weekend......"
Oooh! It’s been ages since I had a bit of long pig |
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"Dear Auntie P,
For many years I've comforted myself with the knowledge that male pattern baldness was a sign of excess testosterone and natural virility. But yesterday while taking the cool evening air a Street urchin of indeterminate age or gender greeted me with a hearty 'You f-ing baldie twat !' that cut me to the quick.
Have I been living a lie ? "
warn me before i take s gulp of tea that's work equipment i spat all over! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm fairly sure I can fart backwards. In Lidl I bent over to reach some veg, and soon found a carrot up my trouser leg . Back home I found a variety of things in my Y fronts. Gum wrappers, fag butts,the odd coin etc.
What can you advise? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear aunty p. My bumhole has been playing the welsh national anthem all morning. Squeezing my cheeks real tight aint working in so as the proceeding shockwave measured 9.5 on the Richter scale. What the fuck else can i do as the neighbours are complaining |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P..
I am beside myself with excitement to be finally meeting my DD for a socially distanced visit.
It will be a fleeting visit, that will involve a journey of hundreds of miles for him ... His time is very precious, so i know how lucky i am...
... But already i feel morose at the thought of having to say goodbye and he's not even here yet 
How can i put the goodbye aside and enjoy the precious time without letting my head spoil the entire visit and chop my nose off to spite my face ? |
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"I'm fairly sure I can fart backwards. In Lidl I bent over to reach some veg, and soon found a carrot up my trouser leg . Back home I found a variety of things in my Y fronts. Gum wrappers, fag butts,the odd coin etc.
What can you advise?"
Mittens! You're not farting backwards ya big fibby mcfibface, you simply can't stop yourself playing with yer nethers!
You need a fanny pack |
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"Dear aunty p. My bumhole has been playing the welsh national anthem all morning. Squeezing my cheeks real tight aint working in so as the proceeding shockwave measured 9.5 on the Richter scale. What the fuck else can i do as the neighbours are complaining "
Release the demons into a balloon, and squish them through their letterbox. They'll soon stop whinging when they're gassed out |
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"Dear Auntie P..
I am beside myself with excitement to be finally meeting my DD for a socially distanced visit.
It will be a fleeting visit, that will involve a journey of hundreds of miles for him ... His time is very precious, so i know how lucky i am...
... But already i feel morose at the thought of having to say goodbye and he's not even here yet
How can i put the goodbye aside and enjoy the precious time without letting my head spoil the entire visit and chop my nose off to spite my face ?"
Yeah, no.
Don't work does it. Console yourself with a mint Feast and apologise for the snot on your sleeves. There's no escaping the sad. |
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"Is it ok for me to be naked laid on the bed after a hot bath.
Saying that it was an hour ago and I'm still here."
Course it bleeding is, unless you've got something baking in the oven that's getting burnt |
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By *rivateparts!Man
over a year ago
Walking down the only road I've ever known! |
"Is it ok for me to be naked laid on the bed after a hot bath.
Saying that it was an hour ago and I'm still here.
Course it bleeding is, unless you've got something baking in the oven that's getting burnt "
Baking day is Thursday this week |
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Auntie P, I just want to big you up for a minute, you're the best.
My banana bread failed, so I'm looking for someone else to blame. Why can I never accept it might just be my fault when things go wrong?
Yours defeatedly
Mimi  |
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"Is it ok for me to be naked laid on the bed after a hot bath.
Saying that it was an hour ago and I'm still here.
Course it bleeding is, unless you've got something baking in the oven that's getting burnt
Baking day is Thursday this week "
Maybe that's where I went wrong...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Auntie princess
Yes precious Samuel
I fancy some bbq ribs.
Have some BBQ ribs then Samuel.
You're allowed
Are you serving bbq ribs again now?
17th May darling. Are you booking a table? "
That’s...erm...20 sleeps?
I think that’s 20 sleeps, I’m counting down to bbq princess ribs day |
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"Auntie P, I just want to big you up for a minute, you're the best.
My banana bread failed, so I'm looking for someone else to blame. Why can I never accept it might just be my fault when things go wrong?
Yours defeatedly
Mimi "
Blame PrivateParts! He's meant to be king of the oven ffs and he didn't come to your rescue all coz baking day is Thursday. Wimpy Flake innit. So much for being a hero PP! Part timer.
Custard pie him... I dare ya. |
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"Dear Auntie princess
Yes precious Samuel
I fancy some bbq ribs.
Have some BBQ ribs then Samuel.
You're allowed
Are you serving bbq ribs again now?
17th May darling. Are you booking a table?
That’s...erm...20 sleeps?
I think that’s 20 sleeps, I’m counting down to bbq princess ribs day "
Huzzah! I ain't doing the mathematics Samuel. That's all effort. |
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I think .... you’re bloody ace 