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Auntie Ps advice line
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Minge gathering dust?
Man-wang neglected and crying tears of sadness instead of baby batter?
What's up buttercup?
Problem shared is a problem laughed at and all that shit.
As always, if you follow any advice given, expect to find yourself in a padded cell ya fucking moron |
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"No woman will reply to my dick pics with no message attached and my empty profile but it’s not me that’s the problem. What should I do? "
Chop it off and replace it with a hot dog in a bun. Bitches love frankfurters |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No woman will reply to my dick pics with no message attached and my empty profile but it’s not me that’s the problem. What should I do?
Chop it off and replace it with a hot dog in a bun. Bitches love frankfurters "
Who the hell is frank furter and why does he get all the attention  |
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"When's the best time to meet someone round the back of Tescos?"
Staff fag break time.
If your bird turns out to be a minger at least you've other options then.
If she ain't, whoop whoop, you've got an audience |
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"No woman will reply to my dick pics with no message attached and my empty profile but it’s not me that’s the problem. What should I do?
Chop it off and replace it with a hot dog in a bun. Bitches love frankfurters
Who the hell is frank furter and why does he get all the attention "
Rocky Horrors fault. They turned the womenses into queerosexual fans. |
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Dear Auntie P.
The bros have finally worked out that they do need to sanitise the weights after use, but they then leave dirty wipes and towels everywhere.
Please advise an appropriately painful method of punishment because their mummy doesn't live here |
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"No woman will reply to my dick pics with no message attached and my empty profile but it’s not me that’s the problem. What should I do?
Chop it off and replace it with a hot dog in a bun. Bitches love frankfurters
Who the hell is frank furter and why does he get all the attention
Rocky Horrors fault. They turned the womenses into queerosexual fans."
Heck yes  |
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"Dear Aunty P
Due to lack of use there are Doormice living in my vagine 
Please advise?"
Gets rats to chase em out. Tis the only way.
Then get cats to chase the rats.
Then dogs to chase the cats.
Oh, then change your name to Dr Doomassivecunt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Aunty P..
Im now wondering if i have a tight vagina or not..
Ive never been with a woman and have nothing to compare it too.
Could i naturally be a bucket? Ive never had a vaginal birth..
Is there a measuring device?? Is there a medical exam? Do i get a certificate?
|
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"Dear Auntie P.
The bros have finally worked out that they do need to sanitise the weights after use, but they then leave dirty wipes and towels everywhere.
Please advise an appropriately painful method of punishment because their mummy doesn't live here "
Spunkwangles
OK, the lifty thing with the ropey wirey things.
Easy peasy, when the doofuses are concentrating on doing the lifting, you tie to wirey ropey thing around said bollocks of said lifter.
As he drops the weight, he's flung into the air by his nutsack. Or it'll rip off.
Only one way to find out! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No woman will reply to my dick pics with no message attached and my empty profile but it’s not me that’s the problem. What should I do?
Chop it off and replace it with a hot dog in a bun. Bitches love frankfurters "
Did wonders for Supersonic Sam |
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"Aunty P..
Im now wondering if i have a tight vagina or not..
Ive never been with a woman and have nothing to compare it too.
Could i naturally be a bucket? Ive never had a vaginal birth..
Is there a measuring device?? Is there a medical exam? Do i get a certificate?
"
I can punch you in it and see if I get elbow deep.
Auntie Ps minge measuring services. £20 a kapow.
Needs to make some extra money somehow.
Or get someone with really stretchy toes and see which piggy is a snug fit.
If it's the whole foot then you're in the black hole category |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Dear Auntie P
I'm writing this on behalf of a friend who has recently discovered that they get sleep horny and make noises to suggest they are pleasuring themselves. On waking, apart from a teasing grin from their partner they have no recollection of dry humping the mattress. How does said friend go back to snoring and occasionally letting out love puffs?
Signed
WetSheetsRus |
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"Dear Auntie P.
The bros have finally worked out that they do need to sanitise the weights after use, but they then leave dirty wipes and towels everywhere.
Please advise an appropriately painful method of punishment because their mummy doesn't live here
Spunkwangles
OK, the lifty thing with the ropey wirey things.
Easy peasy, when the doofuses are concentrating on doing the lifting, you tie to wirey ropey thing around said bollocks of said lifter.
As he drops the weight, he's flung into the air by his nutsack. Or it'll rip off.
Only one way to find out!"
I love you  |
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"Dear Auntie P
I'm writing this on behalf of a friend who has recently discovered that they get sleep horny and make noises to suggest they are pleasuring themselves. On waking, apart from a teasing grin from their partner they have no recollection of dry humping the mattress. How does said friend go back to snoring and occasionally letting out love puffs?
Signed
WetSheetsRus"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Aunty P..
Im now wondering if i have a tight vagina or not..
Ive never been with a woman and have nothing to compare it too.
Could i naturally be a bucket? Ive never had a vaginal birth..
Is there a measuring device?? Is there a medical exam? Do i get a certificate?
I can punch you in it and see if I get elbow deep.
Auntie Ps minge measuring services. £20 a kapow.
Needs to make some extra money somehow.
Or get someone with really stretchy toes and see which piggy is a snug fit.
If it's the whole foot then you're in the black hole category "
And to think I was enjoying today |
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By *lan157Man
over a year ago
a village near Haywards Heath in East Sussex |
"When's the best time to meet someone round the back of Tescos?
Staff fag break time.
If your bird turns out to be a minger at least you've other options then.
If she ain't, whoop whoop, you've got an audience "
Or a Bag for life |
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"Dear Auntie P
I'm writing this on behalf of a friend who has recently discovered that they get sleep horny and make noises to suggest they are pleasuring themselves. On waking, apart from a teasing grin from their partner they have no recollection of dry humping the mattress. How does said friend go back to snoring and occasionally letting out love puffs?
Signed
WetSheetsRus"
Fuck going back to normal, get the friends partner to record it!!
Shit you not some fucker will pay good money to watch it.
Titled "I'm dreaming of youuuuuuuuuuuuu" all sultry like. Desperados will lap it up
Or get him to wrap you up in swaddling like a big ole baby.
Fuck it, they'll pay for that too. You're onto a cash avalanche! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No woman will reply to my dick pics with no message attached and my empty profile but it’s not me that’s the problem. What should I do?
Chop it off and replace it with a hot dog in a bun. Bitches love frankfurters "
Already done  |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"No woman will reply to my dick pics with no message attached and my empty profile but it’s not me that’s the problem. What should I do?
Chop it off and replace it with a hot dog in a bun. Bitches love frankfurters
Already done "
And we are all so very glad you did |
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"First time caller short time reader i always wondered if have indigestion should i do a trump to fix it? "
Damn fucking right you should.
I mean, if you can manage a turd too it can't be a bad thing. You MUST turd in your undies for it to work tho. Toilet turd renders it useless |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"First time caller short time reader i always wondered if have indigestion should i do a trump to fix it?
Damn fucking right you should.
I mean, if you can manage a turd too it can't be a bad thing. You MUST turd in your undies for it to work tho. Toilet turd renders it useless "
what about if i turd in anothers undies? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Aunty P..
Im now wondering if i have a tight vagina or not..
Ive never been with a woman and have nothing to compare it too.
Could i naturally be a bucket? Ive never had a vaginal birth..
Is there a measuring device?? Is there a medical exam? Do i get a certificate?
I can punch you in it and see if I get elbow deep.
Auntie Ps minge measuring services. £20 a kapow.
Needs to make some extra money somehow.
Or get someone with really stretchy toes and see which piggy is a snug fit.
If it's the whole foot then you're in the black hole category "
£20 seams reasonable.. no enjoying 'kapowing' my vag though! Strictly professional right.
Oh and no run up before then kapow.. Just glove up like a vet to a cows arse,, drench your arm in lube and see how you get on.
anyone got a leather strap i can bite down on.. it might hurt,, or it might just slide right in elbow deep
Damm cant wait to see if ive a tight vag or not!
Can i get a sticker like i do at the dentist? |
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"Dear Aunty P
Due to lack of use there are Doormice living in my vagine
Please advise?
Gets rats to chase em out. Tis the only way.
Then get cats to chase the rats.
Then dogs to chase the cats.
Oh, then change your name to Dr Doomassivecunt "
Oh I don't want to get rid of them, I just wanted to know what to feed them  |
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"First time caller short time reader i always wondered if have indigestion should i do a trump to fix it?
Damn fucking right you should.
I mean, if you can manage a turd too it can't be a bad thing. You MUST turd in your undies for it to work tho. Toilet turd renders it useless what about if i turd in anothers undies?"
Nope.
You can't change witchcraft |
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"Aunty P..
Im now wondering if i have a tight vagina or not..
Ive never been with a woman and have nothing to compare it too.
Could i naturally be a bucket? Ive never had a vaginal birth..
Is there a measuring device?? Is there a medical exam? Do i get a certificate?
I can punch you in it and see if I get elbow deep.
Auntie Ps minge measuring services. £20 a kapow.
Needs to make some extra money somehow.
Or get someone with really stretchy toes and see which piggy is a snug fit.
If it's the whole foot then you're in the black hole category
£20 seams reasonable.. no enjoying 'kapowing' my vag though! Strictly professional right.
Oh and no run up before then kapow.. Just glove up like a vet to a cows arse,, drench your arm in lube and see how you get on.
anyone got a leather strap i can bite down on.. it might hurt,, or it might just slide right in elbow deep
Damm cant wait to see if ive a tight vag or not!
Can i get a sticker like i do at the dentist? "
Course ya can, providing I don't lose my whole self in cunt canyon and follow my arm in |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"First time caller short time reader i always wondered if have indigestion should i do a trump to fix it?
Damn fucking right you should.
I mean, if you can manage a turd too it can't be a bad thing. You MUST turd in your undies for it to work tho. Toilet turd renders it useless what about if i turd in anothers undies?
Nope.
You can't change witchcraft "
ffs adult nappy for one please |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear auntie P lately I've found myself more and more attracted to my shower head. I can spend ages in the shower with it while getting off. I think I may have a problem..
Any advice appreciated |
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"Dear Aunty P
Due to lack of use there are Doormice living in my vagine
Please advise?
Gets rats to chase em out. Tis the only way.
Then get cats to chase the rats.
Then dogs to chase the cats.
Oh, then change your name to Dr Doomassivecunt
Oh I don't want to get rid of them, I just wanted to know what to feed them "
The crumbs that gather in your bra. Only feed them at night so they've a full days worth of crummage to gorge on.
Plus they'll be all hungry and fidgety by then. |
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"Dear auntie P lately I've found myself more and more attracted to my shower head. I can spend ages in the shower with it while getting off. I think I may have a problem..
Any advice appreciated "
It's only a problem if it impacts others right? Or you're on a water meter.
Whack a bloo block in there, that'll put you off |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Dear Auntie P...
WTF have I done wrong?
Yours
Confused
Erm, did you steal a goat?
Goat theft is frowned upon (unless you steal it for me - I do love goats)
Other than that, some cunt is jealous."
Nope. No goat stealing. Cheers Auntie P.
Next question. How do I make it stop? |
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"Dear Auntie P...
WTF have I done wrong?
Yours
Confused
Erm, did you steal a goat?
Goat theft is frowned upon (unless you steal it for me - I do love goats)
Other than that, some cunt is jealous.
Nope. No goat stealing. Cheers Auntie P.
Next question. How do I make it stop?"
Oh pickle pants, you can't.
People are pricks.
What you can do though is hire a mofo who has some pent up anger and frustration to take out on the world. Someone to kick a cunt into an apology and make them acknowledge and own their actions.
£20 a kapow.
Enterprising ain't I.
|
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"I don’t finish work for 40 minutes. But I want to get into bed now, do you have a quick fix for me?!"
Pull your pants ALL the way up under your chin. You'll feel all cosy comfy.
Note: walking may be an issue but you'll have the perfect pitch for "walking in the air" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don’t finish work for 40 minutes. But I want to get into bed now, do you have a quick fix for me?!
Pull your pants ALL the way up under your chin. You'll feel all cosy comfy.
Note: walking may be an issue but you'll have the perfect pitch for "walking in the air" "
This sounds like an ideal solution, do my arms go inside or outside the underwear? Just so I know I’ve done it right? |
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"I don’t finish work for 40 minutes. But I want to get into bed now, do you have a quick fix for me?!
Pull your pants ALL the way up under your chin. You'll feel all cosy comfy.
Note: walking may be an issue but you'll have the perfect pitch for "walking in the air"
This sounds like an ideal solution, do my arms go inside or outside the underwear? Just so I know I’ve done it right? "
Are you an arms in or arms out the duvet kinda guy?
There's your answer |
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Dear Auntie P,
I am currently having trouble with my car and will be without her until the end of the week. Would it be at all inappropriate to go dogging on a tandem? How would I signal if I want people to watch in the absence of an interior light? What would be a suitable way to show I’m up for a bit of touchy touchy without windows to open?
Kind regards
Rhi |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Dear Auntie P...
WTF have I done wrong?
Yours
Confused
Erm, did you steal a goat?
Goat theft is frowned upon (unless you steal it for me - I do love goats)
Other than that, some cunt is jealous.
Nope. No goat stealing. Cheers Auntie P.
Next question. How do I make it stop?
Oh pickle pants, you can't.
People are pricks.
What you can do though is hire a mofo who has some pent up anger and frustration to take out on the world. Someone to kick a cunt into an apology and make them acknowledge and own their actions.
£20 a kapow.
Enterprising ain't I.
"
Damn you're good. What you doing later and do you have transport?  |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I am currently having trouble with my car and will be without her until the end of the week. Would it be at all inappropriate to go dogging on a tandem? How would I signal if I want people to watch in the absence of an interior light? What would be a suitable way to show I’m up for a bit of touchy touchy without windows to open?
Kind regards
Rhi "
Miners light on a condom on your head.
Will keep your hair dry if it starts to tinkle down, you'll be able to flash it like headlights for signalling, and you'll be able to give gynaecological assessments for £20 a pop while you're there.
Entrepreneur ain't ya |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Auntie P, I do hope you can help.
While on the allotment today, I accidentally slipped and impaled myself on a large Butternut squash.
My quandary is whether to try to remove the offending gourd from my back passage myself, or struggle to A&E and see if they can ease the bugger out.
Please advise  |
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"Dear Auntie P...
WTF have I done wrong?
Yours
Confused
Erm, did you steal a goat?
Goat theft is frowned upon (unless you steal it for me - I do love goats)
Other than that, some cunt is jealous.
Nope. No goat stealing. Cheers Auntie P.
Next question. How do I make it stop?
Oh pickle pants, you can't.
People are pricks.
What you can do though is hire a mofo who has some pent up anger and frustration to take out on the world. Someone to kick a cunt into an apology and make them acknowledge and own their actions.
£20 a kapow.
Enterprising ain't I.
Damn you're good. What you doing later and do you have transport? "
If you can create icy roads I can skate there.
Other than that I've got a Dudley daysaver bus ticket so will need to be local.
*does star jumps to warm up* |
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"Auntie P, I do hope you can help.
While on the allotment today, I accidentally slipped and impaled myself on a large Butternut squash.
My quandary is whether to try to remove the offending gourd from my back passage myself, or struggle to A&E and see if they can ease the bugger out.
Please advise "
Leave the cunt wedged and paint some eyes on it.
Bend the fuck over and wait in your front garden til Halloween night.
If any brats attempt to come knocking you fire the fucker with an almighty toot and kapow them right between the eyes.
That'll teach em |
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Auntie
I have trouble finding underpants to contain my massive cock which then flaps around behind me when I drive my open top jag. It makes conversation difficult when I have passengers in the back seat.
Can you advise?
Yours Humblebrag  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P, I do hope you can help.
While on the allotment today, I accidentally slipped and impaled myself on a large Butternut squash.
My quandary is whether to try to remove the offending gourd from my back passage myself, or struggle to A&E and see if they can ease the bugger out.
Please advise
Leave the cunt wedged and paint some eyes on it.
Bend the fuck over and wait in your front garden til Halloween night.
If any brats attempt to come knocking you fire the fucker with an almighty toot and kapow them right between the eyes.
That'll teach em"
Thanks Auntie P, I’ll be sure to do that  |
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"Auntie
I have trouble finding underpants to contain my massive cock which then flaps around behind me when I drive my open top jag. It makes conversation difficult when I have passengers in the back seat.
Can you advise?
Yours Humblebrag "
Piece of piss this one.
Smear Nutella all over Giant McDong. No conversation needed coz the greedoids in the back won't be able to resist the lure of the cholocatey goodness AND your bellend gets a good ole licking. Winning!
Just make sure your mum takes a fucking taxi you pervo |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I am currently having trouble with my car and will be without her until the end of the week. Would it be at all inappropriate to go dogging on a tandem? How would I signal if I want people to watch in the absence of an interior light? What would be a suitable way to show I’m up for a bit of touchy touchy without windows to open?
Kind regards
Rhi
Miners light on a condom on your head.
Will keep your hair dry if it starts to tinkle down, you'll be able to flash it like headlights for signalling, and you'll be able to give gynaecological assessments for £20 a pop while you're there.
Entrepreneur ain't ya "
Digging the miners lamp out now, thanks for the advice Autie P |
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"Good Evening Auntie P
I’m finding I keep loosing my thread, I start things and then don’t finis....
This causes me to worry about repeating myse....
"
I think that's a common phenomenon in these current tim...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Auntie P,
Someone I know tried to add some ambience with some candles, but forgot one of them was one of those ones that keep relighting when you blow on them...anyway, they slipped on a rug and said candle impaled them and burnt their foof, as it wouldn’t go out!
As some stray hairs remained post shave they can’t get rid of the burnt smell!
What can they do to soothe the burn and get rid of the smell?
The fecking candle is still lit! Not in the foof any longer, thankfully. Any advice on how to extinguish the flame? It’s a posh candle and looks great, apart from the singed hair sticking to it xx |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Dear Auntie P...
WTF have I done wrong?
Yours
Confused
Erm, did you steal a goat?
Goat theft is frowned upon (unless you steal it for me - I do love goats)
Other than that, some cunt is jealous.
Nope. No goat stealing. Cheers Auntie P.
Next question. How do I make it stop?
Oh pickle pants, you can't.
People are pricks.
What you can do though is hire a mofo who has some pent up anger and frustration to take out on the world. Someone to kick a cunt into an apology and make them acknowledge and own their actions.
£20 a kapow.
Enterprising ain't I.
Damn you're good. What you doing later and do you have transport?
If you can create icy roads I can skate there.
Other than that I've got a Dudley daysaver bus ticket so will need to be local.
*does star jumps to warm up*"
Woo hoo? I shall do a freezing dance for the roads. Sucks to be other road users.... |
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"Auntie
I have trouble finding underpants to contain my massive cock which then flaps around behind me when I drive my open top jag. It makes conversation difficult when I have passengers in the back seat.
Can you advise?
Yours Humblebrag
Piece of piss this one.
Smear Nutella all over Giant McDong. No conversation needed coz the greedoids in the back won't be able to resist the lure of the cholocatey goodness AND your bellend gets a good ole licking. Winning!
Just make sure your mum takes a fucking taxi you pervo "
Marvellous - In-flight snacks of course! I can leave it plain if passengers are on a low carb/high protein diet
Chocks Away! |
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"Dear Auntie P,
Someone I know tried to add some ambience with some candles, but forgot one of them was one of those ones that keep relighting when you blow on them...anyway, they slipped on a rug and said candle impaled them and burnt their foof, as it wouldn’t go out!
As some stray hairs remained post shave they can’t get rid of the burnt smell!
What can they do to soothe the burn and get rid of the smell?
The fecking candle is still lit! Not in the foof any longer, thankfully. Any advice on how to extinguish the flame? It’s a posh candle and looks great, apart from the singed hair sticking to it xx"
Deep heat has quite a strong whiff, you could give that a go on the area of singe-stink.
I'm sure it will also cool said area, despite the name suggesting otherwise. |
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Dear Aunty P.
I have a problem.
My problem is that I never have any problems.
I know this Advice Aunty though and I sometimes make up a problem so that she can solve my problem. That's a problem in itself isn't it Aunty P ? I'd like to have a problem just to see what it's like but I find i'm pretty level headed and meet day to day stuff in my stride and out of the ordinary stuff head on and uber fucking mental and unexpected stuff takes me a moment longer to sort. So .......... Aunty P..... ermmmmm let me think. |
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Oh yeah ......... I bought a sponge cake and there was hardly any filling in it. Am I allowed to kill the bitch that served me or do I have to kill the owner of the bakery ?
This is a very REAL not made up problem.
I was dissed and disappointed. |
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"Dear Aunty P.
I have a problem.
My problem is that I never have any problems.
I know this Advice Aunty though and I sometimes make up a problem so that she can solve my problem. That's a problem in itself isn't it Aunty P ? I'd like to have a problem just to see what it's like but I find i'm pretty level headed and meet day to day stuff in my stride and out of the ordinary stuff head on and uber fucking mental and unexpected stuff takes me a moment longer to sort. So .......... Aunty P..... ermmmmm let me think."
I'll tell you your problem, lack of damn commaridge!
For the first time ever I found something you writed hard to read.
Now go find your commas!
Pssst, they're hiding in the shed with the ghoolies |
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"Oh yeah ......... I bought a sponge cake and there was hardly any filling in it. Am I allowed to kill the bitch that served me or do I have to kill the owner of the bakery ?
This is a very REAL not made up problem.
I was dissed and disappointed. "
Force feed it to the pair of cunts with NO DRINK ALLOWED.
They'll soon rethink their filling ratio.
Skanks |
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"Dear Aunty P.
I have a problem.
My problem is that I never have any problems.
I know this Advice Aunty though and I sometimes make up a problem so that she can solve my problem. That's a problem in itself isn't it Aunty P ? I'd like to have a problem just to see what it's like but I find i'm pretty level headed and meet day to day stuff in my stride and out of the ordinary stuff head on and uber fucking mental and unexpected stuff takes me a moment longer to sort. So .......... Aunty P..... ermmmmm let me think.
I'll tell you your problem, lack of damn commaridge!
For the first time ever I found something you writed hard to read.
Now go find your commas!
Pssst, they're hiding in the shed with the ghoolies "
Oh dear P......  Oh my very very dear I just checked my stuff and it doesn't need any commas. It's grammatically correct babes.
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Dear Aunty P.
I have a problem.
I was shouted at by an Agony Aunt about lack of commaridge....
My problem is - Do I kill the bakery owner or the Agony Aunt ??
P.S. Is there a commaholics anonymous group ? |
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"Dear Aunty P.
I have a problem.
My problem is that I never have any problems.
I know this Advice Aunty though and I sometimes make up a problem so that she can solve my problem. That's a problem in itself isn't it Aunty P ? I'd like to have a problem just to see what it's like but I find i'm pretty level headed and meet day to day stuff in my stride and out of the ordinary stuff head on and uber fucking mental and unexpected stuff takes me a moment longer to sort. So .......... Aunty P..... ermmmmm let me think.
I'll tell you your problem, lack of damn commaridge!
For the first time ever I found something you writed hard to read.
Now go find your commas!
Pssst, they're hiding in the shed with the ghoolies
Oh dear P...... Oh my very very dear I just checked my stuff and it doesn't need any commas. It's grammatically correct babes.
"
Damn my limp lungs and lack of breathage to make it all the way through without a gasp for oxygen particles  |
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"Dear Aunty P.
I have a problem.
I was shouted at by an Agony Aunt about lack of commaridge....
My problem is - Do I kill the bakery owner or the Agony Aunt ??
P.S. Is there a commaholics anonymous group ?"
You send the agony aunt an oxygen tank and get well soon card for almost ending her life as her lung capacity is piss poor.
Then she'll help you bury the sponge filler tyrant |
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Dear Auntie P,
I have recently found that whenever I fart, I actually levitate a foot or so above the ground for the farts duration.
My question: What colour spandex superhero outfit should I opt for?
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have recently found that whenever I fart, I actually levitate a foot or so above the ground for the farts duration.
My question: What colour spandex superhero outfit should I opt for?
"
Turquoise with glittery sparkles. 
Marry me |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have recently found that whenever I fart, I actually levitate a foot or so above the ground for the farts duration.
My question: What colour spandex superhero outfit should I opt for?
Turquoise with glittery sparkles.
Marry me "
A fine choice! - I shall wear it to our super wedding  |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have recently found that whenever I fart, I actually levitate a foot or so above the ground for the farts duration.
My question: What colour spandex superhero outfit should I opt for?
Turquoise with glittery sparkles.
Marry me
A fine choice! - I shall wear it to our super wedding "
Huzzah!!! |
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"Dear Aunty P.
I have a problem.
My problem is that I never have any problems.
I know this Advice Aunty though and I sometimes make up a problem so that she can solve my problem. That's a problem in itself isn't it Aunty P ? I'd like to have a problem just to see what it's like but I find i'm pretty level headed and meet day to day stuff in my stride and out of the ordinary stuff head on and uber fucking mental and unexpected stuff takes me a moment longer to sort. So .......... Aunty P..... ermmmmm let me think.
I'll tell you your problem, lack of damn commaridge!
For the first time ever I found something you writed hard to read.
Now go find your commas!
Pssst, they're hiding in the shed with the ghoolies
Oh dear P...... Oh my very very dear I just checked my stuff and it doesn't need any commas. It's grammatically correct babes.
"
(tries... not to...engage but bursts with)
Auntie was right! When writing a list of three or more you shouldn't use 'and' each time but commas, with the last one (the Oxford comma) being optional in conjunction with the final 'and'.
You also use a question tag and a direct address in the same statement ("...itself isn't it Aunty P?") which should have two!
(Writer realises outburst in dead of night has woken less salubrious Fabbers. Already inbox is filling with anatomically challenging offers. Writer slopes off back into shadows) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear auntie P lately I've found myself more and more attracted to my shower head. I can spend ages in the shower with it while getting off. I think I may have a problem..
Any advice appreciated
It's only a problem if it impacts others right? Or you're on a water meter.
Whack a bloo block in there, that'll put you off "
Thanks that helped. |
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Dear gorgeous wife to be; Remember my problem regarding my levitational farting ability yesterday?
Eh....well it kind of backfired on me earlier. I’ve just shit myself big time and there is no big roll handy!
My spandex superhero suit has no socks even(!!!)
What shall I clean myself up with? Please help!
|
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"Dear gorgeous wife to be; Remember my problem regarding my levitational farting ability yesterday?
Eh....well it kind of backfired on me earlier. I’ve just shit myself big time and there is no big roll handy!
My spandex superhero suit has no socks even(!!!)
What shall I clean myself up with? Please help!
"
Oh ffs ya lemon.
Any stray cats close?
I'll do a rain dance for ya just in case |
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"Dear gorgeous wife to be; Remember my problem regarding my levitational farting ability yesterday?
Eh....well it kind of backfired on me earlier. I’ve just shit myself big time and there is no big roll handy!
My spandex superhero suit has no socks even(!!!)
What shall I clean myself up with? Please help!
Oh ffs ya lemon.
Any stray cats close?
I'll do a rain dance for ya just in case "
That rain dance sure did the trick m’lady! Thank you The gentle precipitation upon my raised and wanton arse did indeed return my bum hole back to it’s former sparkling glory (and the subsequent most pleasing sensation did furthermore render me a fine erection to boot)  |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have recently found that whenever I fart, I actually levitate a foot or so above the ground for the farts duration.
My question: What colour spandex superhero outfit should I opt for?
Turquoise with glittery sparkles.
Marry me
A fine choice! - I shall wear it to our super wedding
Huzzah!!!"
Can I be bridesmaid!! |
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Hello gorgeous.
You tell me?!
Jo.Xx 