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Auntie Ps advice line
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you got me for 2 hours then I gotta clean my bedroom.
I'm procrastinating.
So fuckspangles, what's itching your nipples?
Cat ran off with the dog next door?
Is your candle refusing to burn?
No matter how big or small your quandary, get your answers here.
*all answers to be taken with a teaspoon of ground pepper |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I really need a hair cut for an imminent event that I’d like to look clean cut and magnificent for...
Trouble being I fucking hate going to the barbers and the guy I’ve been using for the last few years is high risk and is still isolating so it’s even more effort to try and find a new one.
Could I get away with just shaving the lot off with next doors dog clippers? |
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"Why don't I get replies to the gazillions of messages I send out on Fab every hour?"
Coz you have to title them: a gift from me to you. Then sign off with Princess Peach says you gotta reply beeeeyatch |
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"I really need a hair cut for an imminent event that I’d like to look clean cut and magnificent for...
Trouble being I fucking hate going to the barbers and the guy I’ve been using for the last few years is high risk and is still isolating so it’s even more effort to try and find a new one.
Could I get away with just shaving the lot off with next doors dog clippers?"
Oh Samson you silly sausage 
You make a day of it, head to the local petting zoo with farm animals and when it comes to the sheep shearing bit you catapult yourself between the legs of Mr Giles! Shaun gets away with keeping his woolen and you get a free barnet chop |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I really need a hair cut for an imminent event that I’d like to look clean cut and magnificent for...
Trouble being I fucking hate going to the barbers and the guy I’ve been using for the last few years is high risk and is still isolating so it’s even more effort to try and find a new one.
Could I get away with just shaving the lot off with next doors dog clippers?
Oh Samson you silly sausage
You make a day of it, head to the local petting zoo with farm animals and when it comes to the sheep shearing bit you catapult yourself between the legs of Mr Giles! Shaun gets away with keeping his woolen and you get a free barnet chop "
Yow am baaarmy! |
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"I have a milkshake craving. I can’t go outside to get a milkshake and I have no one close by.
Is this something 999 would assist with? "
You even need to ask? Tis an emergency my dear and that's the emergency number! Seems like a match made in a matchbox to me |
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"I really need a hair cut for an imminent event that I’d like to look clean cut and magnificent for...
Trouble being I fucking hate going to the barbers and the guy I’ve been using for the last few years is high risk and is still isolating so it’s even more effort to try and find a new one.
Could I get away with just shaving the lot off with next doors dog clippers?
Oh Samson you silly sausage
You make a day of it, head to the local petting zoo with farm animals and when it comes to the sheep shearing bit you catapult yourself between the legs of Mr Giles! Shaun gets away with keeping his woolen and you get a free barnet chop
Yow am baaarmy!"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My son is going to uni at the end of the month so for the first time in my life I’ll be living alone.
What advice would you give someone living alone for the first time? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've just discovered a grey nose hair..... I'm furious and a little sad that even my nasal cavity is turning against me in my quest to hold onto my long ago departed youth.... What can I do about such atrocities??
Signed
"Desperately sad"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I have a dilemma, I am going to post 3 new photos tomorrow.
I am undecided between
Classy, demure, butter wont melt.
Sexy, showing my itty bitty titties
Full on, need I explain
What should I post
|
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"What is it about me that makes women just play me for their own personal gain in the real world?
Do you have "mug" written across your forehead?
Do what I had to do and have it tipexed out."
The amount of times its happened i think its more of a tattoo that just written there! |
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Well I went to the doctors as my willy was turning orange!!!!
She took one look and asked if I eat chessey balls I say yes.?
Then asked if I watched porn again yes.
She slapped me around the head and told me to get out..
I now worried it’s something serious as she never said.....?
HELP ME PLEASE |
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"My son is going to uni at the end of the month so for the first time in my life I’ll be living alone.
What advice would you give someone living alone for the first time?"
Be your own friend. Just because the person you live with up until no longer needs the level of care you gave them, YOU still do.
Don't forget to feed yourself coz it's "effort"
You're worth that effort.
Claim it as your space and have your home as you want it.
Throw a fucking party
Get a pet
Allow yourself moments of reflection and tears, but also remember that you did a really awesome job!
He isn't too needy and reliant on you to leave, he has the confidence to do so, that's fucking superb
Oh... and walk around nekkid whenever you want 
It feels weird at first but then you get used to it. There will be lonely times, don't ever feel afraid to reach out.
Do not, I repeat, do not cover the house in jelly. It's a bitch to clean up |
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"I've just discovered a grey nose hair..... I'm furious and a little sad that even my nasal cavity is turning against me in my quest to hold onto my long ago departed youth.... What can I do about such atrocities??
Signed
"Desperately sad"
"
Don't look down ffs. I got a badger on my badger.
Get yourself one of those piss sample pots and place the grey cunts in there once you've pulled the fuckers out with chopsticks.
Label the pot "nawwwwwwwww I think nots" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My son is going to uni at the end of the month so for the first time in my life I’ll be living alone.
What advice would you give someone living alone for the first time?
Be your own friend. Just because the person you live with up until no longer needs the level of care you gave them, YOU still do.
Don't forget to feed yourself coz it's "effort"
You're worth that effort.
Claim it as your space and have your home as you want it.
Throw a fucking party
Get a pet
Allow yourself moments of reflection and tears, but also remember that you did a really awesome job!
He isn't too needy and reliant on you to leave, he has the confidence to do so, that's fucking superb
Oh... and walk around nekkid whenever you want
It feels weird at first but then you get used to it. There will be lonely times, don't ever feel afraid to reach out.
Do not, I repeat, do not cover the house in jelly. It's a bitch to clean up "
*Note to self- take jelly off the shopping list*
 |
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"I have a dilemma, I am going to post 3 new photos tomorrow.
I am undecided between
Classy, demure, butter wont melt.
Sexy, showing my itty bitty titties
Full on, need I explain
What should I post
"
Whatever your fandango tells you to, didn't you read about women having all the power? Apparently it's coz we have vaginas. So say to your lady bits "you Valerie, what's taking your fancy?" and see where she takes ya |
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"Hi Aunty P!
The wick of my candle won’t light I meant it just won’t light! There’s enough wick and plenty of wax but no ignition!!!
What should I do? "
You have to change energy supplier and move to British Gas. Gives you a magic flame thumb  |
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"Well I went to the doctors as my willy was turning orange!!!!
She took one look and asked if I eat chessey balls I say yes.?
Then asked if I watched porn again yes.
She slapped me around the head and told me to get out..
I now worried it’s something serious as she never said.....?
HELP ME PLEASE "
Get your filthy undercarriage in the washing up bowl you absolute beast.
If you tickle your balls with the fairy bubbles it may give you a stonk on and you can practice turning the taps with your helmet |
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"Well I went to the doctors as my willy was turning orange!!!!
She took one look and asked if I eat chessey balls I say yes.?
Then asked if I watched porn again yes.
She slapped me around the head and told me to get out..
I now worried it’s something serious as she never said.....?
HELP ME PLEASE
Get your filthy undercarriage in the washing up bowl you absolute beast.
If you tickle your balls with the fairy bubbles it may give you a stonk on and you can practice turning the taps with your helmet "
Yes mam so you think l live |
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"Why do keep injuring my big toes, broke both a couple times, and accidentally badly scalded one, do you think I secretly dislike them? "
Have the fuckers removed. They don't deserve to be battered like that. Donate them to the chippy and at least they'll get battered lovingly |
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Dear Auntie P,
I have been having a really weird desire lately and I think there may be something seriously wrong with me.
You see I have this feeling that I want to be able to decide who I let go fossicking around my lady garden based on this silly notion of who I find interesting and sexy. I am worried however that this makes me prejudiced against anyone who I don’t want naughty naked time with.
What’s wrong with me? Is there a cure?
Thanks in advance
Mrs |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Dearest Auntie P,
I have the most puzzling dilemma, I have a curtain pole I want to fix - I have a set of step ladders that will help me reach but the dilemma is that directly in front of where I want to hang the pole is a sofa - for added excitement there are various pointy things scattered around the floor - my dilemma is this..should I:
(A) Clear the floor of sharp pointy things, carefully move the sofa and position the step ladders safely so I can reach where I need to get and have a secure platform for the screwing required.
(B) Forget clearing the floor and moving the sofa and teeter on the back/arm of the sofa whilst trying to exert enough pressure on the screwdriver to get the pole fixed, using my other hand to alternately hold the screw and wave frantically for balance.
(C) Say fuck it, invite the next single guy with a lob on round under the pretence of some "screwing" I need doing just for the shits and grins of seeing his face fall when I show him what needs screwing
What would you do in my situation Auntie P? |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I have been having a really weird desire lately and I think there may be something seriously wrong with me.
You see I have this feeling that I want to be able to decide who I let go fossicking around my lady garden based on this silly notion of who I find interesting and sexy. I am worried however that this makes me prejudiced against anyone who I don’t want naughty naked time with.
What’s wrong with me? Is there a cure?
Thanks in advance
Mrs"
Whoa whoa whoa back the fuck up to the truck...
I need to think this one through coz something just ain't adding up..
Crazy notion.... crazy notion
0h yeah, bitches be cray cray! Roll with it sweet cheeks, it's the new LadyGarden Law. |
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"Dearest Auntie P,
I have the most puzzling dilemma, I have a curtain pole I want to fix - I have a set of step ladders that will help me reach but the dilemma is that directly in front of where I want to hang the pole is a sofa - for added excitement there are various pointy things scattered around the floor - my dilemma is this..should I:
(A) Clear the floor of sharp pointy things, carefully move the sofa and position the step ladders safely so I can reach where I need to get and have a secure platform for the screwing required.
(B) Forget clearing the floor and moving the sofa and teeter on the back/arm of the sofa whilst trying to exert enough pressure on the screwdriver to get the pole fixed, using my other hand to alternately hold the screw and wave frantically for balance.
(C) Say fuck it, invite the next single guy with a lob on round under the pretence of some "screwing" I need doing just for the shits and grins of seeing his face fall when I show him what needs screwing
What would you do in my situation Auntie P? "
Tried, tested and got the bruises.
A always |
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"Dear Auntie P,
Could you advise how to telepathically make people cover their noses with their masks, before I rage stroke out in Tesco?
Yours, muttering curses."
Easy peasy bambino. Stink bombs. Let them fuckers go like your life depends on it.... coz it just might |
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"Ugh, Auntie P, I need some motivation! Feeling very "woe is me" today and completely lethargic. Help me!
Mrs TMN x"
I had to do this the other day.
7pm. You get the fuck up and crack on with the shizzle that needs doing. I will have a custard pie to the face delivery heading your way if you don't.
Orrrrrrrr you could get a ouigi board and summon the ghoulies again. |
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"Currently problem free but beginning to wonder if that is a problem, is it? If so what do i do about it?"
Stick yer fucking big nose in other people's silly! They love it when you get all up in their shit thinking you're the Mac Daddy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why just why can’t other drivers when turning left off a roundabout use their flipping indicators ? One day I’ll chase them down & show them how to use them whist shoving a copy of the High Way Code up their selfish lard arse |
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"So, do I get revenge and get even, or let go and take the moral high ground?
"
Depends.
Moral high ground helps you sleep at night (once the vitriol coursing through the veins subsides long enough)
Revenge and even. It's got a really good fucking case.
So, you get revenge and even, write it down and put it in a case and keep it safe.
Then you go puke on their head and cover them in shitty pigeon feathers |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Dear Auntie P
I'm currently facing the biggest dilemma of my life. I can't narrow down what hotel to stay at. Do I choose the one by food heaven or the very fancy schmancy one?
Yours first world problemy
Hyacinth Bucket |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So, do I get revenge and get even, or let go and take the moral high ground?
Depends.
Moral high ground helps you sleep at night (once the vitriol coursing through the veins subsides long enough)
Revenge and even. It's got a really good fucking case.
So, you get revenge and even, write it down and put it in a case and keep it safe.
Then you go puke on their head and cover them in shitty pigeon feathers "
Love it. Carrots and sweetcorn puke is the least they deserve. Thanks Princess P! |
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"Why just why can’t other drivers when turning left off a roundabout use their flipping indicators ? One day I’ll chase them down & show them how to use them whist shoving a copy of the High Way Code up their selfish lard arse "
I shout at them as a pedestrian.
I go "INDICATOOOOOOOORS YA CUNT"
I'm sure I look utterly insane. Fucks given? Erm .. noooooooooo
Anywhoo, you have the advantage of a set of wheels, all ya gotta do is install a tannoy!
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why just why can’t other drivers when turning left off a roundabout use their flipping indicators ? One day I’ll chase them down & show them how to use them whist shoving a copy of the High Way Code up their selfish lard arse
I shout at them as a pedestrian.
I go "INDICATOOOOOOOORS YA CUNT"
I'm sure I look utterly insane. Fucks given? Erm .. noooooooooo
Anywhoo, you have the advantage of a set of wheels, all ya gotta do is install a tannoy!
"
But the vehicle I drive , one has to be professional if you know what I mean |
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"Dear Auntie P
I'm currently facing the biggest dilemma of my life. I can't narrow down what hotel to stay at. Do I choose the one by food heaven or the very fancy schmancy one?
Yours first world problemy
Hyacinth Bucket"
OK, will food definitely get eaten at hotel? If so.. then duhhhhhh no brainer.
But fancy pantsy schmancy.... ooooooo...
Fuck it, tell the posh one you're allergic to their menu, go eat at the yummo one and come back full to toffs Palace |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have a dilemma, I am going to post 3 new photos tomorrow.
I am undecided between
Classy, demure, butter wont melt.
Sexy, showing my itty bitty titties
Full on, need I explain
What should I post
Whatever your fandango tells you to, didn't you read about women having all the power? Apparently it's coz we have vaginas. So say to your lady bits "you Valerie, what's taking your fancy?" and see where she takes ya"
Valerie has spoken "she says, see how I feel after my shower in the morning" |
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"Ugh, Auntie P, I need some motivation! Feeling very "woe is me" today and completely lethargic. Help me!
Mrs TMN x
I had to do this the other day.
7pm. You get the fuck up and crack on with the shizzle that needs doing. I will have a custard pie to the face delivery heading your way if you don't.
Orrrrrrrr you could get a ouigi board and summon the ghoulies again."
Consider me custard pie motivated! Thank you, oh wise one x |
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"Why do i get turned on by the smell of freshly baked pie?  "
I dunno but it makes you one sick pupper, forget the puff, forget the shortcrust, forget the goddam apples you heathen and stick the tails of a thousand squirrels up your nostrils! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Auntie P,
I try to send a good initial message and although I get some good replies back I feel like I panic when sending the subsequent messages that may not be as good which could kill the conversation.
Any tips for handling this or preventing this so I keep the messages coming and going? |
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"I have a dilemma, I am going to post 3 new photos tomorrow.
I am undecided between
Classy, demure, butter wont melt.
Sexy, showing my itty bitty titties
Full on, need I explain
What should I post
Whatever your fandango tells you to, didn't you read about women having all the power? Apparently it's coz we have vaginas. So say to your lady bits "you Valerie, what's taking your fancy?" and see where she takes ya
Valerie has spoken "she says, see how I feel after my shower in the morning""
Ooooo she’s a smart cookie duster |
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"Ugh, Auntie P, I need some motivation! Feeling very "woe is me" today and completely lethargic. Help me!
Mrs TMN x
I had to do this the other day.
7pm. You get the fuck up and crack on with the shizzle that needs doing. I will have a custard pie to the face delivery heading your way if you don't.
Orrrrrrrr you could get a ouigi board and summon the ghoulies again.
Consider me custard pie motivated! Thank you, oh wise one x"
I'm coming with ya at precisely 7. I promise.
I'll do my bedroom and vac the stairs while you do your bits x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Auntie P,
I'm in a foul, cuntish mood and the bitch is threatening to escape her box. Now I've been very good at keeping her under wraps lately but she's becoming harder to ignore.
Shall I set her free and hope there's still something standing once she's done or sit on the lid of the box and try harder to ignore her?
|
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"Dear Auntie P,
I try to send a good initial message and although I get some good replies back I feel like I panic when sending the subsequent messages that may not be as good which could kill the conversation.
Any tips for handling this or preventing this so I keep the messages coming and going? "
It ain't all you, remember that. Communication is a 2 way swimming track.
If you're struggling that also means THEY aren't engaging YOU enough for it to flow naturally either.
The cure is to lie on a bed of helium balloons for one week |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I'm in a foul, cuntish mood and the bitch is threatening to escape her box. Now I've been very good at keeping her under wraps lately but she's becoming harder to ignore.
Shall I set her free and hope there's still something standing once she's done or sit on the lid of the box and try harder to ignore her?
"
I fear this is a loaded bullet and you know the answer. I can almost feel the flames from here and it feels so warm, toasty and devilishly marvellous 
I'll load up the horses for battle. |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I'm in a foul, cuntish mood and the bitch is threatening to escape her box. Now I've been very good at keeping her under wraps lately but she's becoming harder to ignore.
Shall I set her free and hope there's still something standing once she's done or sit on the lid of the box and try harder to ignore her?
I fear this is a loaded bullet and you know the answer. I can almost feel the flames from here and it feels so warm, toasty and devilishly marvellous
I'll load up the horses for battle."
Bollocks, I meant *sigh*
Go and have a relaxing bath that washes all your woes away
Fucking hell man, booooooooring |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I try to send a good initial message and although I get some good replies back I feel like I panic when sending the subsequent messages that may not be as good which could kill the conversation.
Any tips for handling this or preventing this so I keep the messages coming and going?
It ain't all you, remember that. Communication is a 2 way swimming track.
If you're struggling that also means THEY aren't engaging YOU enough for it to flow naturally either.
The cure is to lie on a bed of helium balloons for one week "
Thank you, and very good point. I'm sure that would really lift me up |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I'm in a foul, cuntish mood and the bitch is threatening to escape her box. Now I've been very good at keeping her under wraps lately but she's becoming harder to ignore.
Shall I set her free and hope there's still something standing once she's done or sit on the lid of the box and try harder to ignore her?
I fear this is a loaded bullet and you know the answer. I can almost feel the flames from here and it feels so warm, toasty and devilishly marvellous
I'll load up the horses for battle."
We may be better with broomsticks, they aren't easily spooked..... |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I'm in a foul, cuntish mood and the bitch is threatening to escape her box. Now I've been very good at keeping her under wraps lately but she's becoming harder to ignore.
Shall I set her free and hope there's still something standing once she's done or sit on the lid of the box and try harder to ignore her?
I fear this is a loaded bullet and you know the answer. I can almost feel the flames from here and it feels so warm, toasty and devilishly marvellous
I'll load up the horses for battle.
We may be better with broomsticks, they aren't easily spooked....."
Ooooooooooohhhhhhh fuck... I ...AM ...IN
Screw the bath, let's cause HAVOC!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I'm in a foul, cuntish mood and the bitch is threatening to escape her box. Now I've been very good at keeping her under wraps lately but she's becoming harder to ignore.
Shall I set her free and hope there's still something standing once she's done or sit on the lid of the box and try harder to ignore her?
I fear this is a loaded bullet and you know the answer. I can almost feel the flames from here and it feels so warm, toasty and devilishly marvellous
I'll load up the horses for battle.
We may be better with broomsticks, they aren't easily spooked.....
Ooooooooooohhhhhhh fuck... I ...AM ...IN
Screw the bath, let's cause HAVOC!! "
On it! Just follow the screams |
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"Why just why can’t other drivers when turning left off a roundabout use their flipping indicators ? One day I’ll chase them down & show them how to use them whist shoving a copy of the High Way Code up their selfish lard arse
I shout at them as a pedestrian.
I go "INDICATOOOOOOOORS YA CUNT"
I'm sure I look utterly insane. Fucks given? Erm .. noooooooooo
Anywhoo, you have the advantage of a set of wheels, all ya gotta do is install a tannoy!
But the vehicle I drive , one has to be professional if you know what I mean "
Change the phone number on the 'How's my driving' sticker to the number of somebody you don't like |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I'm in a foul, cuntish mood and the bitch is threatening to escape her box. Now I've been very good at keeping her under wraps lately but she's becoming harder to ignore.
Shall I set her free and hope there's still something standing once she's done or sit on the lid of the box and try harder to ignore her?
I fear this is a loaded bullet and you know the answer. I can almost feel the flames from here and it feels so warm, toasty and devilishly marvellous
I'll load up the horses for battle.
We may be better with broomsticks, they aren't easily spooked.....
Ooooooooooohhhhhhh fuck... I ...AM ...IN
Screw the bath, let's cause HAVOC!!
On it! Just follow the screams"
I've even turned the telly down so I can hear them Crystal clear |
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"Auntie P,
What I desireth most I cannot have. Today I desire both my husband and my fwb but Dr Vag Repairer says "no, Thou shalt not fornicate."
What's a gal to do?!  "
Ohhhh fudgestickles...
Okay I got it.
You bake pies for the weirdo who loves pie sniffing, invite him round to your lurve shack (the shed) and watch him bang a bakewell.
That should make you giggle so hard you realise that it would be disastrous to add any extra pressure to your nethers!
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Dear Auntie P,
I’ve just brought myself a brand new, top of the range DeWalt drill with all the trimmings.
....Unfortunately I now find myself sitting here, realising that I have bugger all jobs here to use it upon.
Is there any sexual possibilities you might suggest with it?
|
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"Why just why can’t other drivers when turning left off a roundabout use their flipping indicators ? One day I’ll chase them down & show them how to use them whist shoving a copy of the High Way Code up their selfish lard arse
I shout at them as a pedestrian.
I go "INDICATOOOOOOOORS YA CUNT"
I'm sure I look utterly insane. Fucks given? Erm .. noooooooooo
Anywhoo, you have the advantage of a set of wheels, all ya gotta do is install a tannoy!
But the vehicle I drive , one has to be professional if you know what I mean "
See, now that just screams "result!" to me.
Abuse the power ...ABUSE IT!! |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I’ve just brought myself a brand new, top of the range DeWalt drill with all the trimmings.
....Unfortunately I now find myself sitting here, realising that I have bugger all jobs here to use it upon.
Is there any sexual possibilities you might suggest with it?
"
Funny you should ask.
My mirror needs putting up and my fanny needs filling. One man 2 jobs. Pack up yer new toy and lets DIY down n dirty.
Ya slag . |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I’ve just brought myself a brand new, top of the range DeWalt drill with all the trimmings.
....Unfortunately I now find myself sitting here, realising that I have bugger all jobs here to use it upon.
Is there any sexual possibilities you might suggest with it?
Funny you should ask.
My mirror needs putting up and my fanny needs filling. One man 2 jobs. Pack up yer new toy and lets DIY down n dirty.
Ya slag ."
Amen!  I knew I could count on you Auntie |
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"Auntie P,
What I desireth most I cannot have. Today I desire both my husband and my fwb but Dr Vag Repairer says "no, Thou shalt not fornicate."
What's a gal to do?!
Ohhhh fudgestickles...
Okay I got it.
You bake pies for the weirdo who loves pie sniffing, invite him round to your lurve shack (the shed) and watch him bang a bakewell.
That should make you giggle so hard you realise that it would be disastrous to add any extra pressure to your nethers!
"
Oooooo do I get to pop his cherry?! |
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"I ran out of fucks to give some time ago. Is it possible to get some anywhere? Is there a kind of fuck bank I can make a withdrawal from or occasionally a deposit? "
Best off without them. I've seen a shit shop or 2 but they charge an extortionate amount for a sausage sized shite you're only gonna give to someone or something you really can't be arsed to in the first place.
Stay fuckless...
Stay shitless...
Stay Nicecouple |
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"Dear Auntie P,
I’ve just brought myself a brand new, top of the range DeWalt drill with all the trimmings.
....Unfortunately I now find myself sitting here, realising that I have bugger all jobs here to use it upon.
Is there any sexual possibilities you might suggest with it?
Funny you should ask.
My mirror needs putting up and my fanny needs filling. One man 2 jobs. Pack up yer new toy and lets DIY down n dirty.
Ya slag .
Amen! I knew I could count on you Auntie "
Like an abacus |
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"Auntie P,
What I desireth most I cannot have. Today I desire both my husband and my fwb but Dr Vag Repairer says "no, Thou shalt not fornicate."
What's a gal to do?!
Ohhhh fudgestickles...
Okay I got it.
You bake pies for the weirdo who loves pie sniffing, invite him round to your lurve shack (the shed) and watch him bang a bakewell.
That should make you giggle so hard you realise that it would be disastrous to add any extra pressure to your nethers!
Oooooo do I get to pop his cherry?! "
I think he may knock ya sparko before you got too close. He seemed quite passionate about his pastry |
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"Dearest Auntie P
Me again
I'm in deepest Tottenham and I've fallen for a lamp post....does this make me lovestruck? "
No, it makes you a clumsy doofus have you got an egg head? I'll piss myself if you have.
Go kick it for getting in the way, but make sure you wear jam toes |
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right, it's 7pm. I made a promise I'll do my upstairs housework and a promise I don't break.
If you see Mrs TMN before I'm back, kick her in the chuff and tell her she's up Shit Street.
I shall return to your queries after the beep....
Toot toot |
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"Hi Aunty P!
The wick of my candle won’t light I meant it just won’t light! There’s enough wick and plenty of wax but no ignition!!!
What should I do?
You have to change energy supplier and move to British Gas. Gives you a magic flame thumb "
Lol |
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