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To fall in love with anyone -- a study
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By *stella OP Woman
over a year ago
London |
It’s been a couple of years since I first posted this, apologies to those that remember it! I’m in the mood for love, again.
In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”
I was reading the questions today, interesting topics and led me to ponder some of my answers!
I’ll post them all below - why not answer one or two of them?
Meanwhile here's the song "Wildfire" by Seafret : which uses the experiment as the set up for the video!
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
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By *stella OP Woman
over a year ago
London |
So imagine you are sitting partnered with a stranger:
Questions:
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
And then you would sit in silence and stare into the eyes, not breaking eye contact, of the partner for 4 minutes.
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By *abonWoman
over a year ago
L’boro/Ashby & Cheltenham |
I’ve done the staring into eyes thing...but only with women, on retreats. Unbelievably powerful. When I’ve done it, we’ve taken it in turns to verbalise what emotions and thoughts come up. |
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By *stella OP Woman
over a year ago
London |
"They’re really interesting questions!
Just don’t know that I want to fall in love right now!!"
I want someone to experiment on - but that sounds bad! I’m very ready to fall in love! And have lots of sex too or whilst waiting.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"They’re really interesting questions!
Just don’t know that I want to fall in love right now!!
I want someone to experiment on - but that sounds bad! I’m very ready to fall in love! And have lots of sex too or whilst waiting. "
It's only worth it if they fall in love with you too 
The gazing into eyes in silence thing, it can be a rather vulnerable place. Looking into anothers eyes like that you can see into their very soul.... |
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Interesting concept, I’m not sure it would make me fall in love with someone though. Some of those questions I’ve seen around the forums and the responses are always interesting
The eye stare would be interesting, a lot struggle to hold direct eye contact normally
I’ll have to try it next time and see what happens |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I briefly studied this years ago. Discovered lots about myself during it. Vulnerability is absolutely key in two connecting on a different level. People are so closed off to being vulnerable, generally created throughout childhood more than adulthood, the thought of being vulnerable is scary for many people, myself included. To dig deep and look within ourselves gives us the insight to truly understand who we are. It’s an extremely difficult thing to do, it takes time and balls! Preferably lots to play with while on a journey of discovery  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Oh I remember this! I tried it out before with someone and I can't say I fell in love with him but I definitely grew a lot closer to him and understood him a lot more. I am going to use those questions on someone dear to me but that's more because I'm really interested in what he says, we already have that intimacy and depth of feeling. |
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By *stella OP Woman
over a year ago
London |
"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No. "
It’s one way at an interview and therefore the reciprocal vulnerability isn’t happening, that’s supposedly the connection part, and the eyes. That would be inappropriate at an interview - it’s not the questions per se! |
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By *nique_78Woman
over a year ago
Home, somewhere in Norfolk |
"They’re really interesting questions!
Just don’t know that I want to fall in love right now!!
I want someone to experiment on - but that sounds bad! I’m very ready to fall in love! And have lots of sex too or whilst waiting. "
'I want someone to experiment on' line of the day....  |
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By *stella OP Woman
over a year ago
London |
"They’re really interesting questions!
Just don’t know that I want to fall in love right now!!
I want someone to experiment on - but that sounds bad! I’m very ready to fall in love! And have lots of sex too or whilst waiting.
'I want someone to experiment on' line of the day.... "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No. "
What kind of job would ask these kind of questions?  |
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"They’re really interesting questions!
Just don’t know that I want to fall in love right now!!
I want someone to experiment on - but that sounds bad! I’m very ready to fall in love! And have lots of sex too or whilst waiting.
'I want someone to experiment on' line of the day.... "
I’m picturing her doing the Milgram experiment |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think I remember this. That vulnerabilty is amazing, I love it, its a shared and terrifying thing that makes me want to crawl inside their body and eat them all up (with love)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No.
What kind of job would ask these kind of questions? "
A lot of senior management roles where they’re trying to find out about your personality  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No.
It’s one way at an interview and therefore the reciprocal vulnerability isn’t happening, that’s supposedly the connection part, and the eyes. That would be inappropriate at an interview - it’s not the questions per se! "
Ok I’ll take that. I suppose the questions are just typical personality questions |
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By *stella OP Woman
over a year ago
London |
"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No.
It’s one way at an interview and therefore the reciprocal vulnerability isn’t happening, that’s supposedly the connection part, and the eyes. That would be inappropriate at an interview - it’s not the questions per se!
Ok I’ll take that. I suppose the questions are just typical personality questions "
Oh that they are, for sure  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No.
What kind of job would ask these kind of questions? "
My son got asked at an interview;
If you could have a super hero power what would it be and why?
His answer; he would be able to manage his time effectively if he could just teleport everywhere
And yep, he got the job
As for this love malarkey...Not sure I could find a willing victim |
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By *stella OP Woman
over a year ago
London |
"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No.
What kind of job would ask these kind of questions?
My son got asked at an interview;
If you could have a super hero power what would it be and why?
His answer; he would be able to manage his time effectively if he could just teleport everywhere
And yep, he got the job
As for this love malarkey...Not sure I could find a willing victim "
We’ll have to wingman for victims. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Oh I remember this! I tried it out before with someone and I can't say I fell in love with him but I definitely grew a lot closer to him and understood him a lot more. I am going to use those questions on someone dear to me but that's more because I'm really interested in what he says, we already have that intimacy and depth of feeling."
Yeah I'm sure you already have a level of depth that is way passed the questions in this test _eli! Plus I know they already asked you all these questions months ago hehe xxx |
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"I’ve done the staring into eyes thing...but only with women, on retreats. Unbelievably powerful. When I’ve done it, we’ve taken it in turns to verbalise what emotions and thoughts come up. "
being asian we consider it being rude to stare so I find it uncomfortable staring at people when i talk to them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A lot of these questions are also used at interviews. Would they make me fall in love with someone? No.
What kind of job would ask these kind of questions?
My son got asked at an interview;
If you could have a super hero power what would it be and why?
His answer; he would be able to manage his time effectively if he could just teleport everywhere
And yep, he got the job
As for this love malarkey...Not sure I could find a willing victim
We’ll have to wingman for victims. "
Sounds good to me x |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Oh I remember this! I tried it out before with someone and I can't say I fell in love with him but I definitely grew a lot closer to him and understood him a lot more. I am going to use those questions on someone dear to me but that's more because I'm really interested in what he says, we already have that intimacy and depth of feeling.
Yeah I'm sure you already have a level of depth that is way passed the questions in this test _eli! Plus I know they already asked you all these questions months ago hehe xxx"
This is very true on both counts. Hmmm... I guess we'll have to find some new questions to ask each other (I don't know if there's much left to ask but between the two of us rambling away we can come up with something ) x |
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"So why not answer one or two of the questions?
Or try them out on a stranger! Don’t forget the staring into each other’s eyes at the end!  "
Do you mean post sone of our answers on this thread?
I would find doing the whole exercise properly with somebody really difficult. I would feel so self-conscious. There are only a few I'm OK with. Luke |
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By *ficouldMan
over a year ago
a quandary, could you change my mind? |
Omg.. I have been asked a few of those questions.
Have to say even sat here on my own I'm struggling answering a few.
The looking into eyes i do regularly, although I don't believe its for as long as this says, most would avert their eyes. I have to say looking into someone's eyes while talking or in silence is amazing, no hiding anything.
Off to sit quietly, listen to the music track again on repeat and..  |
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I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes "
Ahh but did it lead to love? Lust? Hatred? X |
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"I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes
Ahh but did it lead to love? Lust? Hatred? X"
I think he knows now....well I think he does |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes
Ahh but did it lead to love? Lust? Hatred? X
I think he knows now....well I think he does "
Well I hope so... he’d be a fool to not x |
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"I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes
Ahh but did it lead to love? Lust? Hatred? X
I think he knows now....well I think he does
Well I hope so... he’d be a fool to not x"
Fingers crossed x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes
Ahh but did it lead to love? Lust? Hatred? X
I think he knows now....well I think he does
Well I hope so... he’d be a fool to not x
Fingers crossed x"
I have faith x |
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"I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes
Ahh but did it lead to love? Lust? Hatred? X
I think he knows now....well I think he does
Well I hope so... he’d be a fool to not x
Fingers crossed x
I have faith x"
Aww you're a sweetheart |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I tried this and the results were...let's just say I know a lot more now than I did....hardest part was keeping my mouth shut for 4 mins but I had the added bonus of looking into a set of come to bed eyes
Ahh but did it lead to love? Lust? Hatred? X
I think he knows now....well I think he does
Well I hope so... he’d be a fool to not x
Fingers crossed x
I have faith x
Aww you're a sweetheart "
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
I've heard of this list but never have seen them written down.. Thanks! I have someone I might be brave enough to ask and answer with.
I have tried eye gazing quite a few times.. Its incredible and scary and beautiful and deeply moving and profound. I recommend it! Stay with it.. No matter how uncomfortable and/or giggly you get. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It’s been a couple of years since I first posted this, apologies to those that remember it! I’m in the mood for love, again.
In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”
I was reading the questions today, interesting topics and led me to ponder some of my answers!
I’ll post them all below - why not answer one or two of them?
Meanwhile here's the song "Wildfire" by Seafret : which uses the experiment as the set up for the video!
https://youtu.be/RHhkd2B87Q8
"
Thanks for posting this, very interesting. I had to stare into a strangers eyes in a healing yoga workshop for 8 minutes, 4 each. Was very powerful x |
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"We just did it but I hadn't read properly and there wasn't silence It was worth doing though.
J
You snogged again didn’t you? "
We had the dining table between us. We just chatted while staring.
J |
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"We just did it but I hadn't read properly and there wasn't silence It was worth doing though.
J
You snogged again didn’t you?
We had the dining table between us. We just chatted while staring.
J"
Omg… a first!
Did you enjoy it? |
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"We just did it but I hadn't read properly and there wasn't silence It was worth doing though.
J
You snogged again didn’t you?
We had the dining table between us. We just chatted while staring.
J
Omg… a first!
Did you enjoy it? "
Yes! The timer went off and we were OMG that went so quickly. And it felt really weird to break the eye contact. It made me feel slightly bereft if I'm honest.
J |
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"We just did it but I hadn't read properly and there wasn't silence It was worth doing though.
J
You snogged again didn’t you?
We had the dining table between us. We just chatted while staring.
J
Omg… a first!
Did you enjoy it?
Yes! The timer went off and we were OMG that went so quickly. And it felt really weird to break the eye contact. It made me feel slightly bereft if I'm honest.
J"
So do it again
You love birds. I love that. So fucking much |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I love this. For me the connection and intimacy this creates is outstanding. Being with a person - the whole of them, there is nothing sexier. So why wouldn’t you want to know everything about them? |
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I would love to try this 