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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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went to a swingers club last night 15 pound entrance or 20 with a meal ..so I went for the 20 pound one ..standing at the bar a naked man came up to me and says "hi iam ameal" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bloke went to a Fancy Dress party, totally naked, giving a piggyback to a woman, also totally naked.
As the host answers the door, he says "It's not that kind of party tonight Dave, we're doing fancy dress!"
Dave says "I know! I'm a snail. This is Michelle." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bloke went to a Fancy Dress party, totally naked, giving a piggyback to a woman, also totally naked.
As the host answers the door, he says "It's not that kind of party tonight Dave, we're doing fancy dress!"
Dave says "I know! I'm a snail. This is Michelle.""
This is my best and favourite joke. I tell this one all the time  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Old man goes to the doctor, complaining of chronic wind.
"You see doctor, the problem is that I just can't control it. Luckily they're silent, so nobody knows for sure that it's me, but the smell is pretty unpleasant"
The doctor asks him how regularly they happen.
"All the time. The other night I was sitting having dinner with my wife. I went to pick up the salt and it happened. When she handed me my dessert - another fart. Her sense of smell isn't so good, so what with them being silent too, it's not too bad."
"But then there's eating out in restaurants, getting books in the library, someone passing me my grandson, heck - while I've been talking to you I must have let maybe 3 go. There must be something you can do, doc?"
The doctor sits back in his chair for a few seconds, deep in thought. Finally he looks at the old man and speaks.
"Well Mr Davies, I think the first thing we're going to do is get you booked in for a hearing test." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why are French dairy farmers so bad at their jobs? They never know when enough is enough....
Took me a while but I got it
But dairy farmers don't produce eggs."
Got me there... Best I could do at this time in the morning |
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A chap sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:
"Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him,
"What the f(u)ck do you want?"The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said
"Ahhhhh, Ryan Air".
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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LITTLE JOHNNY'S preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Little Johnny is wandering around the house as his mum gets out of the shower and her towel falls down.
He points between her legs and says "Mummy, what's that?!?"
Scrabbling for something to say, she says "Well Johnny, that's where your daddy accidentally caught me with his axe."
Johnny thinks for a second before replying "Wow. He caught you right on the cunt!" |
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A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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After being in the lifestyle for some time, a couple has a heart to heart talk about if they are to continue swinging or not. The husband decides to take a walk out in the city and mull it over.
During his walk he runs in to a disheveled homeless man who asks for some money. He replies to the homeless man:
"If I give you some money, will you spend it on booze?" "No" replied the homeless man "I don't drink"
"If I give you some money will you spend it partying with you're friends like that guy in the van down by the river?" "Absolutely not" he said, "I gave up partying long time ago".
"If I give you some money will you spend it on a hooker?" "Not a chance" the homeless guy said" I'm just trying to survive here, I don't do those kinda things".
The man paused a second and said "In that case, I'll take you home with me and my wife will cook you a fantastic dinner". "I don't know" the homeless man replied, "I'm very dirty, I'm a mess and I smell bad".
"That's okay," said the man "I just want my wife to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, party or have sex"
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