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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us at all? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get out, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace!" "OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10 bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the brand new Mercedes convertible that's parked outside, a membership to the country club, an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and a new..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. The girl, crying again, "A prostitute! "Oh! Ye scared me to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In school one day, Little Paddy’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence.
Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mum, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Paddy raises his hand. “Yes, Paddy?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the garden, and we saw the man next door painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Why is he using such a small brush?’ and he said, ‘I don’t know son, but that's gonna take the contagious.’”
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man comes home from work, kisses his wife, and notices she looks quite disheveled.
"Are you alright, love?" he asks.
"Well, you know we've been having money troubles? Well, you work all the hours God sends, and I thought I'd try to do my bit to help out. So I've had a few gentleman callers round. Please don't be angry."
After a few seconds, he looks at her, a kind look on his face. "I'm not angry darling. How much did you make?"
"£175.25", she says, handing over the money.
"£175.25? That's great! Which cheeky bastard gave you 25p?"
"Well, all of them..." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Suzie has a pet parrot that she totally adores, but every time she has male company over, her parrot blurts out, "My name's Sally, I'm a swinger!".
One evening, Suzie's having her local priest over for dinner. She covers the cage with a sheet so the parrot won't see the preist and blurt out anything embarassing during his visit.
Later, while Suzie is off getting their drinks, the priest notices the covered cage. Curious, he lifts the sheet, and immediately, Sally says, "My name's Sally and I'm a swinger!" Just then, Suzie walks in and hears what Sally has just said to the priest and is mortified. "I'm SO SORRY, Father, please forgive me, I can't seem to get my parrot to stop saying such horrible and nasty things..."
The priest then tells Suzie that he's got two parrots at home who are very well behaved and very religious... "My female parrot, Rose, recites the Rosary on her beads every night, while my other parrot, Mike, faithfully reads the Bible every night. Why don't you let me take Sally to my house for a few days so the boys can set her straight?"
Suzie agrees and the Father leaves that night with her parrot. As soon as he gets home, he puts Sally in the cage with Mike and Rose who are deep in prayer over their rosary beads and bible. As soon as the preist leaves the room Sally loudly squaks to her new friends, "My name's Sally and I'm a swinger!"
Patty looks up and says, "Mike, put that Bible down! Our prayers have finally been answered!!"
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