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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I lived in Scotland for four years, where they call a turd a jobby. Anyhow I decided to grab a drink after seeing a movie at the Odeon and in front of me in the queue for the pub was a wig and a jobby. The doorman said "sorry boys, ye cannae come in. You're off yer heid and your pal is pure steaming!!"  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Any one want to buy a new Laptop running windows 8 you need to be computer savvy as I think there is something wrong with it.
I've tried setting it up but when it asks I create a password I type in
Myp3ni5
It keeps telling me it's to short
.. |
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"Any one want to buy a new Laptop running windows 8 you need to be computer savvy as I think there is something wrong with it.
I've tried setting it up but when it asks I create a password I type in
Myp3ni5
It keeps telling me it's to short
.."
My credit card statement  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I lived in Scotland for four years, where they call a turd a jobby. Anyhow I decided to grab a drink after seeing a movie at the Odeon and in front of me in the queue for the pub was a wig and a jobby. The doorman said "sorry boys, ye cannae come in. You're off yer heid and your pal is pure steaming!!" "
eh???? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lol Google translate it or learn the lingo like I did Hey thinking on it why are good jokes going out of fashion anyway? Not heard any good ones in ages - share peeps |
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A German dwarf came to London and went to a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage this it'll be easy money. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and both knees and shagged her for 4 hours non stop. She asked him breathlessly "how did you manage that ?? " he said "its my foursprung dwarftechnique " |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A German dwarf came to London and went to a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage this it'll be easy money. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and both knees and shagged her for 4 hours non stop. She asked him breathlessly "how did you manage that ?? " he said "its my foursprung dwarftechnique ""
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy and Murphy walking down the road and Murphy comes across a mirror on the pavement.
Murphy picks it up and takes a look. "Hey Paddy I know this guy"he said, Paddy takes the mirror off him and he takes a look and said,"Murphy you dull cunt, it's me Lmao.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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PADDY AND Murphy digging a trench in a zoo and an escaped lion is running straight towards them. Murphy hits him full force in the face with his shouvel and says to Paddy ..... Quick padd run like fuck, Paddy turns to Murphy and said "You run first Murphy you hit him lmao |
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"PADDY AND Murphy digging a trench in a zoo and an escaped lion is running straight towards them. Murphy hits him full force in the face with his shouvel and says to Paddy ..... Quick padd run like fuck, Paddy turns to Murphy and said "You run first Murphy you hit him lmao "
can I just say my middle name is Patrick!!!! Lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Paddy and Murphy walking down the road and Murphy comes across a mirror on the pavement.
Murphy picks it up and takes a look. "Hey Paddy I know this guy"he said, Paddy takes the mirror off him and he takes a look and said,"Murphy you dull cunt, it's me Lmao. "
Tickled me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So I'm currently stopping in my van at work and have been showering at my mates hotel room. Last night he told me they'd switched his room and he was off out jogging, not to worry I've left door open so you can get in.
So off I go only for half a hour later landlady turns up demanding to know who I am as it wasn't his room he was down the hall creasing with laughter. Pay back is needed any ideas? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's definitely a marmite joke!
Makes me wonder if anyone has used marmite for a blowjob... "
Who wants to bothered with sucking a dick, if you've got a jar of Marmite all to yourself....?
Mmmmm - Marmite...!!!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
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By *ackdd72Man
over a year ago
the valleys |
The teacher was going around the class asking what the children had been doing on bonfire night after hearing about some great displays she came to the dreaded little Johnny
"What did you do last night Johnny?"
"We went round sticking bangers up cats arseholes miss" he smiled
"It's rectum Johnny"
"Fucking right it did miss" |
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Madeline was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Madeline’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Madeline’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
" She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My eldest two were telling jokes a few weeks ago.......
Eldest: why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the moooooovies! (this caught me off guard and i was crying!)
Then my second child returned with....
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get some ice cream!!
That one absolutely broke me!
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Jon was crazy about tractors. He had posters of them on his bedroom walls, bedspreads with pictures of them and boxes of toy tractors that filled the room.
One day he noticed an advert in his local paper for a tractor exhibition at his local leisure centre.
The night before the exhibition jon couldn't sleep with excitment and waited outside the leisure centre at 4am for the doors to open.
As soon as they did,he rushed to the nearest tractor and jumped on making engine noises and blowing its horn.
A salesman came up to jon and said "excuse me sir. Can i ask how old you are?"
"I'm 31" replied jon
"Don't you think you're acting very childish for a grown man?" asked the salesman
With this jon stopped playing and thought for a moment. "You know, you're right" he said. "Tell you what i'm going to do, i'm going to go to that pub across the road, sink six pints, go home and throw out all my childish tractor collection"
When jon entered the pub an enormous pile of soot came down the chimney and covered the pub an inch thick.
The landlord was distraught. "What am i going to do?" he said to jon. "This is my busiest day of the year. All the people from the tractor exhibition will be coming here to eat and drink lunch time. This could break me"
Jon took a huge deep breath, sucked up all the soot, opened the window and blew it all out into the car park.
"That was amazing" said the landlord "you've saved my business"
"No problem" replied jon "i'm an ex tractor fan" |
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