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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"
A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.
Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's YOUR mum, is it?"  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just got this text:-
Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st December to 15th December, can you put my bin out?
CUNT! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just got this text:-
Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st December to 15th December, can you put my bin out?
CUNT! "
LOL that actually made me laugh out loud  |
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I was with the woman once, who was a bit of a "goer".
"stick a finger in me" she says, and so I do.
I add more at her request, then I've got five in and she says "put your whole hand in!"
So, there am I, with a hand up her foof, and she says" now, the other hand too"
Ever the gentleman, I comply.
Then she says "Try and clap!"
"I can't" says I.
"I know, tight, aint I?" Says her! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...
Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I walked into my bedroom and under the other halfs side of the bed I saw a suitcase half open. My curiosity got the better of me so i opened the case and in it was a leather mask, a leather cape, crotchless leather shorts and a leather whip....I cudn't believe it....my wife.... a super hero !!!!!!!! |
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'. |
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"What do we get from a Hen?" asks the teacher....."Eggs," says Susie..... "Very good Susie and what do we get from a Sheep?"... Susie says "Wool Miss, Wool"......"Fantasic Susie" says the teacher. And what do we get from a Cow?"...... Little Johnny stands up and say's Fucking Home Work |
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Two couples decide to spend weekend away together. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in a bit of swapping as a trial. After hours of sex, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! That's the best sex I've had in years... Wonder how the girls are doing?" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just fucked a deaf bird and as I splattered my load I let out a satisfied groan..
" Come again ? " she said
Now I'm as keen as the next guy , but give me 5 minutes.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop earlier, so I stopped & said "Jump in, I'll take u home". He replied "Piss off ya prick!" . . . . I said "Fine, suit yourself" so I zipped up my rucksack & kept on walking..
Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.
Dave says "Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"
"No probs" says Tom.
Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.
"Hello girls, your Dad sent me
to shag you two."
"Fuck off you liar!"they said.
"I'll prove it." said Tom and he shouts downstairs
"Both of them Dave?"
"Of course u twat! What's the point of fuckin one?!
I've finally found something that the wife's arse doesn't look big in.........
The distance!
B&Q been dragged into food scandal, apparently they've been selling wooden floors with laminit.
Apparently Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fantastic News from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits
??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ????
?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ???
??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???????? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??????
????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???????? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??????
???? ???
If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.
A boy goes on holiday to Magaluf and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother 36 and hot" his mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister 15 and wet"
"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem mate?"
"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed up"
"Bummer mate"
"Thanks mate, bye"
What's blue & full of haribos?
Kevin Webster's overalls.
Just tried to book my car into Kevin Webster's Garage, but apparently he won't touch anything over ten years old !
Police say the last sighting they had of kevin webster was at his garage working on a 13 year old escort
I hear george clooney is playing kevin webster in his new film it's called ' oh she's eleven.
Whats black and hangs out of school girl' knicker's ? kevin websters tash !
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Police say the last sighting they had of kevin webster was at his garage working on a 13 year old escort
I hear george clooney is playing kevin webster in his new film it's called ' oh she's eleven.
Whats black and hangs out of school girl' knicker's ? kevin websters tash !
Weatherfield mechanic destroys 10 year old Mercedes rim after hard run up dirt track with punctured rubber.
I think Michael Le Vell who plays Coronation Street's Kevin Webster is on of the nation's finest actors.
Any man that can appear on screen with two hot teenage daughters, one with massive tits and one a lesbian, and not look like he wants to fuck both their brains out over the dining room table deserves a fucking BAFTA if you ask me.
"What did the leper say to the hooker?"
"Keep the tip"
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."
Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."
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