My first tip would be to visit a BDSM munch… talk to people in the kink lifestyle about it and what your particular interests with it are.
It involves a fair amount of trust to participate in so I’d definitely recommend talking to experienced people and entering slowly.
I know one or two on here that have some good experience and could share tips |
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"Looking to explore the world of bdsm any tips x"
Oh.. and beware of the many males who will claim to be Dom, when actually they just think that means acting like an arsehole while they slap someone around… |
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"Oh.. and beware of the many males who will claim to be Dom, when actually they just think that means acting like an arsehole while they slap someone around…"
Agree. The 'title' is one that is given, not self-proclaimed. You are it without having to tell people that you are.
OP there is another website that is better suited for the BDSM lifestyle, if that is your FETish choice and a LIFEstyle you want to embrace in your journey  . |
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Trust is everything. Just be careful who you trust as there are some right beauts out there. We are a dom/sub cpl. But she is only sub to me as jo wont trust anyone else due to past bad experiences. |
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Whoever you talk to for the love of god before meeting make sure they (as they should be the responsible one here) bring up safe words, hard and soft limits etc
Also, if you're a first timer and you have a specific thing you want to experience this should be discussed too to create a framework for what will happen
For instance, I generally prefer impact play and can adapt that to experienced or non experienced alike.
But if I'm talking to a girl that's interested in rope play then I have to say no, as I can barely tie my shoes lol
|
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Id be wary about meeting strangers for this sort of play. Therevis a difference between pushing a subs boundries and abuse. Some guys who are pretend doms don't know or care about this difference. We are a D/s cpl but id only let john perform S&M/BDSM on me as 1: i know he worships me outside of the bedroom. 2: i have total trust and faith in him. 3: he really knows what he is doing and now knows my reactions, body language, limits. No way would i trust anyone else to dom me that way. Just be careful babe ok jonanne xx |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
The first step is self analysis. What is it that interests you? What is that you want to experience? What would be your hard and soft limits?
A good starting place is the online BDSM test that can give you pointers as to your orientation. It is not definitive or wholly accurate but it is a start.
Take it slow and research what interests you, and the local scene.
There is no rush.
The dated but still recommended book Screw the Roses Give Me the Thorns, is worth a look as are any of the following, 50 Shades of Curious by Bo Blaze, Learning the Ropes by Race Bannon, SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.
I am not a fan of meeting people at munches as there are still people looking for sex at them. If there are workshops nearby attend those on the basis people attending those are serious. Join the Fet ish Life style site that can't be mentioned on Fab. That will have local events on it.
No matter what anyone tells you (with the exceptions of the need for fully informed consent and being as safe as possible) there is no one way of doing BDSM. Nor, applying a label to yourself requires you to act in any particular way.
Good Luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would highly recommend finding a pro Domme/Dom
For a first BDSM experience I definitely would not recommend meeting anyone on here.
If you meet a pro Domme/Dom you know that you're in a safe place with someone who knows their trade. It will also give you a good baseline to find someone who will be able to do what you want in a safe environment.
If you meet someone on here who's an "expert" you might not have the best first experience. |
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"I would highly recommend finding a pro Domme/Dom
For a first BDSM experience I definitely would not recommend meeting anyone on here.
If you meet a pro Domme/Dom you know that you're in a safe place with someone who knows their trade. It will also give you a good baseline to find someone who will be able to do what you want in a safe environment.
If you meet someone on here who's an "expert" you might not have the best first experience. "
Sounds expensive (and potentially illegal if actual sex is involved!) I guess you'd rub shoulders with some importance types though!
I definitely recommend getting to know someone here though, and talking things through obviously. Word of mouth from trusted people is always good if you can find it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is nothing illegal about it. I know many pro Dommes who have legitimate businesses. Unlike people on here they actually know what they are doing. BDSM can be very dangerous and I definitely would not like someone who claims to know what they are doing giving me a long term injury.
So in conclusion, find an expert who can do it safely. |
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"There is nothing illegal about it. I know many pro Dommes who have legitimate businesses. Unlike people on here they actually know what they are doing. BDSM can be very dangerous and I definitely would not like someone who claims to know what they are doing giving me a long term injury.
So in conclusion, find an expert who can do it safely."
-I just suggested that paying for actual sex would be illegal, not the BDSM! Obviously I'm just playing off your use of the word 'professional'! 'Expert' is better, I just wonder where you get the degree!
Honestly, why pay that kind of money when there are decent people (though be careful too) on a great website that's designed to be free? Just be careful, mindful and follow good advice. Also, I'm not much of a scenester myself, but there are clubs and local meets all over the UK. They can be good for advise if nothing else.
In conclusion, you don't have to pay! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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RESEARCH!!!
BDSM is such a broad spectrum of likes/limits/kinks/dynamics
I’ve spent well over a year looking into BDSM and that’s before I ever had my first experience with a Dominant.
I joined other sites that cannot be mentioned on here where I spoke with many experienced Dom’s who were nothing but helpful and RESPECTFUL to me, they gave advice on what to look for in a potential Dom/sub relationship, how to be safe when messaging/ meeting Dominants.
The list goes on but it was absolutely worth my months of chatting/reading up on the lifestyle that helped me figure out what dynamic I wanted from a BDSM relationship.
Like others have said, start by taking the online test and go from there.
I’ve been with only 2 Dominant Men in my life but spoken to SO many who claimed to be! When you know what you are looking for the fake ones stand out a mile off!
Be safe and have fun
B
Xx |
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"RESEARCH!!!
BDSM is such a broad spectrum of likes/limits/kinks/dynamics
I’ve spent well over a year looking into BDSM and that’s before I ever had my first experience with a Dominant.
I joined other sites that cannot be mentioned on here where I spoke with many experienced Dom’s who were nothing but helpful and RESPECTFUL to me, they gave advice on what to look for in a potential Dom/sub relationship, how to be safe when messaging/ meeting Dominants.
The list goes on but it was absolutely worth my months of chatting/reading up on the lifestyle that helped me figure out what dynamic I wanted from a BDSM relationship.
Like others have said, start by taking the online test and go from there.
I’ve been with only 2 Dominant Men in my life but spoken to SO many who claimed to be! When you know what you are looking for the fake ones stand out a mile off!
Be safe and have fun
B
Xx"
Sound advice above. Just as i said earlier there are many pretend doms out there say they are doms so they can abuse and hurt women. When i played with subs in the past and with my partner now who is sub a good dom always cares and looks after his subs. After care is also inportant after the session is finished. There are a lot of sick and twisted people out there so just be careful ok lovely. John. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"I would highly recommend finding a pro Domme/Dom
For a first BDSM experience I definitely would not recommend meeting anyone on here.
If you meet a pro Domme/Dom you know that you're in a safe place with someone who knows their trade. It will also give you a good baseline to find someone who will be able to do what you want in a safe environment.
If you meet someone on here who's an "expert" you might not have the best first experience. "
I really have to disagree with you, there are a number of people on this site who are very competent. On the flip side I have heard stories of people that have had bad times with professionals. The issue is to take time and vet people.
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I noticed the OP is looking for Mr Grey, maybe we are thinking a bit to advanced anyway, ie given what people can actually get up to in real life. I've not actually seen the film, but I think that using Advanced Search for locality and age etc, then hitting SM in the interest box could be as useful as anything else perhaps. If she doesn't want to say hello, she could always just openly look at their profiles and see what happens next... It's what I do from time to time, and allows me to be more in control of who I talk to than my usual lie in wait approach.
I never personally do anything until I build up trust either online or when meeting someone. I know a dom I've been talking to for years and still not met in person - others I've met for lunch etc fairly quickly. Hopefully she has come back to look at the responses. |
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Be very aware that there is a difference between bdsm and assault, and that there are a lot of idiots on here who don't know the difference. Bdsm is a practiced art, and not for the faint hearted. |
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"Be very aware that there is a difference between bdsm and assault, and that there are a lot of idiots on here who don't know the difference. Bdsm is a practiced art, and not for the faint hearted. "
I think if you're referring to the kind of young ruffians who are into choking, slapping and generally treating their women like shit, I think it's fair to say that all women should feel able to stand up to that, and never feel they should go along because they want to impress their boyfriend or think it's what they somehow should do.
Regarding whether lines can be crossed in general BDSM, whatever the later dynamics you need to first talk things through beforehand in full, and strongly consider using a safe word if you think you'd need one.
Obviously avoid masters who are looking for 'pigs' who will do absolutely anything for them, and who state beforehand that they expect a world of "no limits", and with no consideration for aftercare etc (which can be an important thing - always ask if people offer it). It's you choice, but those type of scenarios are as much a purely-psychological sadomasochistic thing as they are a sexual one, and could easily get pretty 'messed up'.
People looking for Mr Grey should always be mindful/realistic about how some men behave I think... romantically speaking he might not be such an easy find. |
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It baffles me when I talk to a potential sub how many horror stories I hear
When they say they've had previous experience but then don't know the first thing about setting limits, no Idea about safe words etc
It's not good at all |
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"Be very aware that there is a difference between bdsm and assault, and that there are a lot of idiots on here who don't know the difference. Bdsm is a practiced art, and not for the faint hearted. "
Far to many fucked up guys who think they are practicing bdsm buy are acually assaulting the women. The op needs to be very careful. |
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"Be very aware that there is a difference between bdsm and assault, and that there are a lot of idiots on here who don't know the difference. Bdsm is a practiced art, and not for the faint hearted.
I think if you're referring to the kind of young ruffians who are into choking, slapping and generally treating their women like shit, I think it's fair to say that all women should feel able to stand up to that, and never feel they should go along because they want to impress their boyfriend or think it's what they somehow should do.
Regarding whether lines can be crossed in general BDSM, whatever the later dynamics you need to first talk things through beforehand in full, and strongly consider using a safe word if you think you'd need one.
Obviously avoid masters who are looking for 'pigs' who will do absolutely anything for them, and who state beforehand that they expect a world of "no limits", and with no consideration for aftercare etc (which can be an important thing - always ask if people offer it). It's you choice, but those type of scenarios are as much a purely-psychological sadomasochistic thing as they are a sexual one, and could easily get pretty 'messed up'.
People looking for Mr Grey should always be mindful/realistic about how some men behave I think... romantically speaking he might not be such an easy find."
Suprising how many do not offer aftercare or hzve no clue what it is. After a hard session i give joanne aftercare to help with the come down. Its a nesessery part of s&m and bdsm. |
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"Be very aware that there is a difference between bdsm and assault, and that there are a lot of idiots on here who don't know the difference. Bdsm is a practiced art, and not for the faint hearted.
I think if you're referring to the kind of young ruffians who are into choking, slapping and generally treating their women like shit, I think it's fair to say that all women should feel able to stand up to that, and never feel they should go along because they want to impress their boyfriend or think it's what they somehow should do.
Regarding whether lines can be crossed in general BDSM, whatever the later dynamics you need to first talk things through beforehand in full, and strongly consider using a safe word if you think you'd need one.
Obviously avoid masters who are looking for 'pigs' who will do absolutely anything for them, and who state beforehand that they expect a world of "no limits", and with no consideration for aftercare etc (which can be an important thing - always ask if people offer it). It's you choice, but those type of scenarios are as much a purely-psychological sadomasochistic thing as they are a sexual one, and could easily get pretty 'messed up'.
People looking for Mr Grey should always be mindful/realistic about how some men behave I think... romantically speaking he might not be such an easy find.
Suprising how many do not offer aftercare or hzve no clue what it is. After a hard session i give joanne aftercare to help with the come down. Its a nesessery part of s&m and bdsm. "
Aftercare is crucial and for me as enjoyable as what comes before
In day to day life I'm quite tactile so the thought of not having a nice cuddle after, talking things over etc is alien to me |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
You folks may have local knowledge that I don't have, but I am not sure OP said she was a submissive. I took it that she merely wanted to explore BDSM.
Following are my views of course other people may have different views.
Although the same level of exploitation does not happen to dom's, it should not be forgotten that Dom's learning the scene can be emotionally manipulated by "subs".
I would add there is nothing wrong in slapping, and various kind of breathplay in a BDSM scene provided it is consensual, negotiated and the Dom has obtained the skills and done the research (particularly in regard to breathplay). I do wince when it is casually thrown into vanilla porn without discussion.
In regard to aftercare it should be discussed but not all subs want the standard aftercare and not all Dom's are emotionally capable of all types of aftercare. It is up to both parties to be clear what their position is on aftercare before they decide (and whether there decide) to play.
Basically both parties should get educated in the key ways before they play and they should both perform risk aware kink. |
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"You folks may have local knowledge that I don't have, but I am not sure OP said she was a submissive. I took it that she merely wanted to explore BDSM.
Following are my views of course other people may have different views.
Although the same level of exploitation does not happen to dom's, it should not be forgotten that Dom's learning the scene can be emotionally manipulated by "subs".
I would add there is nothing wrong in slapping, and various kind of breathplay in a BDSM scene provided it is consensual, negotiated and the Dom has obtained the skills and done the research (particularly in regard to breathplay). I do wince when it is casually thrown into vanilla porn without discussion.
In regard to aftercare it should be discussed but not all subs want the standard aftercare and not all Dom's are emotionally capable of all types of aftercare. It is up to both parties to be clear what their position is on aftercare before they decide (and whether there decide) to play.
Basically both parties should get educated in the key ways before they play and they should both perform risk aware kink."
---The OP did originally have something about looking for a Mr Grey, so I think people assumed the sub scenario for her.
As a sub I can say that 'bottoming from the top' is hard to avoid sometimes - it can be part of the dance and is really about getting it right. But I get your point about character manipulation too. There are some (often 'versatile') doms and subs on here who like to get everything they want, including both sub/dom or dom/sub scenarios depending on their desires (ie when switching has not been offered to them) - and are sometimes quite selfish and manipulative about how they get it too. I am careful to avoid them, always.
I think you've made a reasonable point about people not always wanting aftercare in its sense of strong emotional support, as that particular level could be unwanted by both parties and even destroy the fantasy for some people - but it's worth pointing out that aftercare is a practical thing too, and that's how I mainly see it tbh.
Practical aftercare (which can be emotional too of course as I say above) involves giving people the time, space and items they may need to 'come down' or recover. From some time just to enjoy the feeling to the use of an actually prepared and clean toilet for example (and for as long as someone wants it too - part of aftercare is to actually allow for the time it might take). Think about providing ointments, clean towels etc. It just needs to be thought about beforehand..
A dom/domme can easily say things like "So you Ok?" or "How are you?" - they don't have to be delivered like you sound in love, you just need to enquire. It's always important to prepare fluids- water especially, and enough too, not just a tiny glass. You don't have to offer them a coffee, but someone could be driving home and fluids are vital to get back to normal - so is offering one actually so hard? It might seem to be pretty basic stuff, but a lot of it can be forgotten if the very idea itself is dismissed. Don't expect someone to ask for these things, as when they don't see them they might be inclined to just leave, perhaps prematurely. Practical aftercare really needs to be pre-prepared and just given I think. It's part of the show. |
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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago
cognito |
"Whoever you talk to for the love of god before meeting make sure they (as they should be the responsible one here) bring up safe words, hard and soft limits etc
Also, if you're a first timer and you have a specific thing you want to experience this should be discussed too to create a framework for what will happen
For instance, I generally prefer impact play and can adapt that to experienced or non experienced alike.
But if I'm talking to a girl that's interested in rope play then I have to say no, as I can barely tie my shoes lol
"
I came here looking for places to explore and experience some thing for myself but this shoelace tying thing is just adorable  |
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"Whoever you talk to for the love of god before meeting make sure they (as they should be the responsible one here) bring up safe words, hard and soft limits etc
Also, if you're a first timer and you have a specific thing you want to experience this should be discussed too to create a framework for what will happen
For instance, I generally prefer impact play and can adapt that to experienced or non experienced alike.
But if I'm talking to a girl that's interested in rope play then I have to say no, as I can barely tie my shoes lol
I came here looking for places to explore and experience some thing for myself but this shoelace tying thing is just adorable "
I'd be no use as an evil henchman
How did Bond escape, I thought he was tied up
Sorry lads
Fuck sake Nick, every time |
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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago
cognito |
"Whoever you talk to for the love of god before meeting make sure they (as they should be the responsible one here) bring up safe words, hard and soft limits etc
Also, if you're a first timer and you have a specific thing you want to experience this should be discussed too to create a framework for what will happen
For instance, I generally prefer impact play and can adapt that to experienced or non experienced alike.
But if I'm talking to a girl that's interested in rope play then I have to say no, as I can barely tie my shoes lol
I came here looking for places to explore and experience some thing for myself but this shoelace tying thing is just adorable
I'd be no use as an evil henchman
How did Bond escape, I thought he was tied up
Sorry lads
Fuck sake Nick, every time"
Ack so you are the reason he always got away 
Happy to bend down and tie your shoe laces for you anytime  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Make sure you have rules like safe words such as red meaning stop or yellow meaning you don’t like it do something else and if they are not listened too end the meetings ,also discuss your boundaries before hand such as things you may try and things you will never try, so do a lot of talking so you can get a feel for the person/Dom , there is a cafe in Cardiff where there is the munch meets in Park place on a Saturday morning I have been to a few |
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"Theres one coming up in bridgend soon"
Yeah. The key thing for people looking to get introduced to the BDSM scene is to do the major socials in that scene. Only they call them 'Munches'. So if you see profiles talking about Munches, you can start there. Talk to as many people there as you feel comfortable doing. And repeat this a couple of times at different events. Perhaps even going across the bridge of an evening for a different perspective again.
Because in my experience, you will get many different perspectives on what someone has offered you to how you first thought about it. They will either base their opinion on actual experience with that person, or heresay. Because yes, gossip etc goes on in that community too just as much as this one and like every other situation, do your research before you engage with a situation.
Safe words are mandatory in any dynamic (Fab or BDSM) and someone else (that you implicitly trust) should know where you are and how long you anticipate being there. Eg if you expect to be an hour or two and are unable to send a text message after 4 hours, maybe your friend really should try very hard to make sure that you are okay).
It all sounds alarmist and unfortunately it has to be. The vast majority goes well. But it only takes one time and someone doesn't come out of it well. |
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"Theres one coming up in bridgend soon
Yeah. The key thing for people looking to get introduced to the BDSM scene is to do the major socials in that scene. Only they call them 'Munches'. So if you see profiles talking about Munches, you can start there. Talk to as many people there as you feel comfortable doing. And repeat this a couple of times at different events. Perhaps even going across the bridge of an evening for a different perspective again.
Because in my experience, you will get many different perspectives on what someone has offered you to how you first thought about it. They will either base their opinion on actual experience with that person, or heresay. Because yes, gossip etc goes on in that community too just as much as this one and like every other situation, do your research before you engage with a situation.
Safe words are mandatory in any dynamic (Fab or BDSM) and someone else (that you implicitly trust) should know where you are and how long you anticipate being there. Eg if you expect to be an hour or two and are unable to send a text message after 4 hours, maybe your friend really should try very hard to make sure that you are okay).
It all sounds alarmist and unfortunately it has to be. The vast majority goes well. But it only takes one time and someone doesn't come out of it well. "
Very wise words above. Far to many guys who advertise themselves as doms but really want to hurt women. |
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Should also say, Munches and 'that other site' cater for the whole plethora of kinks, not just BDSM.
Sure a little bit of pain inflicted one way or another might be the common denominator, but this site is primarily aimed at swinging.
That other one and Munches, is not. All walks and flavours and varieties of tastes are catered for there. Not just BDSM. |
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"Looking to explore the world of bdsm any tips x"
Always spend some time chatting, there is loads of good advice above.
Also, don't take their word for it, if they claim to be an experienced Dom, ask a few questions about stuff like "sub-space" or "aftercare" and see how they respond. |
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