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Corona Jokes
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit 
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos "
Some of it's been genius to be fair. Less funny having to describe pictures but a lone Where's Wally 2020 edition was pretty funny  |
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"I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos "
I loved the one you sent me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Ok the schools are closed, soooo...do we just drop the kids at the teachers house, or what? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos
Some of it's been genius to be fair. Less funny having to describe pictures but a lone Where's Wally 2020 edition was pretty funny "
Have you seen the Prince Charles handshake one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos
I loved the one you sent me "
That was funny |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have you noticed that government advice is that if you need to sneeze, you should do so into your arm and yet so many have been out panic buying toilet paper. Clearly a lot of people who don't know their arse from their elbow |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Have you noticed that government advice is that if you need to sneeze, you should do so into your arm and yet so many have been out panic buying toilet paper. Clearly a lot of people who don't know their arse from their elbow"
You can buy stuff now with sheets of loo roll |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos
Some of it's been genius to be fair. Less funny having to describe pictures but a lone Where's Wally 2020 edition was pretty funny
Have you seen the Prince Charles handshake one "
Just googled, is it him going for a handshake then changing to a namaste instead? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Home school day 1:
Wondering how I can get this kid transferred outta my class |
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By *lirtyFellaMan
over a year ago
a permanent state of arousal |
"The coronavirus is alot like a kinky sex life.
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos
Some of it's been genius to be fair. Less funny having to describe pictures but a lone Where's Wally 2020 edition was pretty funny
Have you seen the Prince Charles handshake one
Just googled, is it him going for a handshake then changing to a namaste instead? "
Yes, that’s the one, made me chuckle |
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[Removed by poster at 18/03/20 21:36:46] |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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""The coronavirus is alot like a kinky sex life.
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.""
! That one's getting sent to the non-parent sibling only chat  |
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They've stopped production of EastEnders. Including it in the plot would make it too cheerful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Prince Phillip...
10 June 1921 - 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 (twice).
He will be missed, except at junctions!
Not strictly corona related but funny all the same. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I wanted to panic buy, but I checked my bank account and I can only panic  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just been to Tesco to get todays dinner...
We're having ink cartridge and light bulb stew! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How long before Citroen try and cash in on the pandemic and bring out the new CV-19... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Prince Phillip...
10 June 1921 - 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 (twice).
He will be missed, except at junctions!
Not strictly corona related but funny all the same."
I saw that on Twitter and LOL-ed too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Prince Phillip...
10 June 1921 - 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 (twice).
He will be missed, except at junctions!
Not strictly corona related but funny all the same."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s the shoplifters I feel sorry for. There’s fuck all left to nick! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Whoever ate that bat...your mom's a hoe  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Oh, I did not know we had a Corona forum now |
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Newsflash
Isis suicide bomber kills 32 family members due to being asked to work from home |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Prince Phillip...
10 June 1921 - 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 (twice).
He will be missed, except at junctions!
Not strictly corona related but funny all the same.
I saw that on Twitter and LOL-ed too "
That's where I stole it from |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just got back from Sainsbury's and saw a man in there with a trolley brimmed full of hand sanitizers,baby wipes, soaps and all the things people need right now !!
Gave him a piece of my mind called him a selfish prick and told him there's desperate mum's and lonely old folk that need these products as well ! Told him he ought to be ashamed of himself
He said " that's all very well but I work here... now can I carry on filling the shelves please !" |
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The unexpected bonus to this whole corona episode is all the suicide bombers being forced to work from home.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Purchase limits placed on shops in light of the Corona virus panic buying.
Asda: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.
Tesco: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.
Aldi: a welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets, 1 spare wheel for a barrow! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The unexpected bonus to this whole corona episode is all the suicide bombers being forced to work from home.
"
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"Newsflash
Isis suicide bomber kills 32 family members due to being asked to work from home"
Sorry, we were typing similar posts at the same time |
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By *lirtyFellaMan
over a year ago
a permanent state of arousal |
'First corona death in russia confirmed.
Patients name was Iva Chestikov' |
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2019.. If you don't do well at school you'll end up stacking shelves !
2020.. Shelf stacking is now seen as a secure career option |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is funny. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to the chemist earlier and I said to the girl "What kills the coronavirus?" she said "ammonia cleaner" I said "Oh I'm sorry I thought you worked here" |
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Aldi are restricting the sales of tight luminous pink Lycra cycling outfits, chain saws and inflatable kayaks to two per person
Now that's a sign of a real crisis
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
There's Frank Sinatras, Tony Bennetts and Jack Jonses everywhere, it must be an outbreak of Croonas' |
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Keep it up.
Tbh the great British sense of humour is very important at a time like this.
Our ability to laugh at ourselves and others misfortune sets us apart from lots of other countries.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Keep it up.
Tbh the great British sense of humour is very important at a time like this.
Our ability to laugh at ourselves and others misfortune sets us apart from lots of other countries.
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I totally agree and somebody said the same sort of thing to me earlier |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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what's 200 metres long and has an IQ of 40...
....the queue to buy toilet paper at Asda |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Remember when people used to laugh at the toilet roll prize on win the ads on ant and decs Saturday night takeaway
No ones laughing now are they!  |
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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago
Hull |
Someone commented on Social Media the other day, how he'll cope if any one of his family fall ill and they ALL have to self-isolate for 14 days?
It could mean, horror amongst horrors, he'd have to start speaking to the Kids!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mate said being in isolation with his wife has meant they talk more. Turns out she got made redundant from Woolworths. |
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"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
An old boy goes into the local newsagents and asks for a bottle of Corona Lemonade, shopkeeper replies yeh it's over there next to the Botulism Tizer. |
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By *av501TV/TS
over a year ago
Mancetter? |
I Hope all these cunts who have panic bought and stockpiled food away from the elderly, young families and vulnerable people .......BOUGHT CONDOMS TOO .......STOP THEM BREEDING ANYMORE FUCKING IDIOTS !!!!!!
If the cap fits wear it !! With your best shame and guilt!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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They say it doesn’t cause the shits, tell me that again after someone coughs behind you...
I’m ashamed to admit I’ve started stockpiling too. Apparently 30 pairs of boxers is too much |
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"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
Doctor doctor I think I've got Covid-19.
Doctor: I trump that with my Commodre-64.
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"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
Doctor Doctor I think I've got C19
Doctor: That's great, now show me how I tune my tv into it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stella virus is the male version it's 6% stronger than the female version |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Every one isn't shaking hands because of the virus, Not me.. im not shaking hands because I dunno if they don't have any soap or bog roll, Besides I've seen holidays go as little as £50! That's cheap, France, Germany, free soap and free bog roll! 2 weeks of work chill in quarantine, 2 weeks of work sick pay, Then come back home to pure madness?! Either that or I'm thinking about buying all the toilet plunges, Game on... |
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"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
Doctor Doctor all I see on tv is Coronavirus-19 Coronavirus-19
Doctor: Good God that means double vision is another symptom. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
I’m stuck in a hotel in Gran Canaria and my phone and work mates have kept my spirits up with memes and GIFs. Go humour! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Smart move shutting schools. Mum's will find a cure before the scientists do now! |
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I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough. |
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By *ankie303Woman
over a year ago
Weirdsville South Coast Dorset |
"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
Since the sports have been cancelled on sky iv found a woman at the other end of my sofa, shes really nice as it goes...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Loving this x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ooohhh iv got 1 of them. It just coughs a little. |
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I know why we're running short of toilet rolls, one person coughs in a room, a hundred people shit themselves |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Damn I picked a bad time to have not learned how to cook for the past 36 years |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Smart move shutting schools. Mum's will find a cure before the scientists do now! "
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[Removed by poster at 19/03/20 11:47:59] |
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Doctor doctor I think I have herd immunity
Doctor: Don't be a silly moo, now take the cow onesie off and let me check your udd....I mean breasts. It's essential for a full virus check.....I think. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
Doctor Doctor all I see on tv is Coronavirus-19 Coronavirus-19
Doctor: Good God that means double vision is another symptom."
Or parrot flu (the more refined version of bird flu)
Loving the humour. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Longest person in self isolation......Madeline McCann |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stella virus is the male version it's 6% stronger than the female version"
Then that's the version in Italy. A Lancet report about Italy had it that 80% of deaths have been male.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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***BREAKIMG NEWS*** ....Snow White has now got only 6 dwarves.......
Sneezy has been taken into isolation...... |
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By *av501TV/TS
over a year ago
Mancetter? |
Well I must say having to stay at home, no pub no sports no clubs....... im having to speak to the wife some more ....... really sorry to hear, and came as shock that shes been made redundant ......... from Woolworths. |
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By *av501TV/TS
over a year ago
Mancetter? |
"***BREAKIMG NEWS*** ....Snow White has now got only 6 dwarves.......
Sneezy has been taken into isolation...... "
Ive also heard that 6 out of 7 dwarfs .....are'nt Happy !!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Since the sport has been cancelled I’ve started talking to the wife, apparently she’s been made redundant from Woolworths. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Home schooling is going well, 2 students suspended for fighting, and one teacher sacked for drinking on the job. |
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CORONAVIRUS: The boredom of self isolation..... Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame at the base, eventually it gets sucked inside......If you've done this and know how to get it out, message me please....
Urgently!! |
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Dianne Abbott has been in contact with the BBC asking that they cease filming of Casualty and Holby City to free up the staff so that they can get back to front line duties. |
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"***BREAKIMG NEWS*** ....Snow White has now got only 6 dwarves.......
Sneezy has been taken into isolation...... "
So now she’s fu**ing Grumpy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Finland has just closed their borders...
No one will be crossing the finish line! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Banksy has been working from home.
Apparently his house in Bristol is now worth 4.8 billion... |
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This is great. You guys just gave me my next stand up script......now if only there were a gig open.....
Apologies to any with jokes I didn’t use or reworked a bit. Lol 
For the first time in history we can save human kind by sitting in front of the TV and doing nothing..... let’s not screw this up.
Though they have stopped filming EastEnders. I understand there was concern from the producers that including the current crisis in the plot lines would make it too cheerful.
As well as Eastenders, I did hear that Dianne Abbott has been in contact with the BBC asking that they cease filming of Casualty and Holby City to free up the NHS staff so that they can get back to front line duties
Remember when people used to laugh at the toilet roll prize on win the ads on ant and decs Saturday night takeaway. No ones laughing now are they!
With all the Pubs, bars and theatres closed my life is about to be seriously exactly the same!!!
Still, i did pop down to Tesco.. I wanted to panic buy, but I checked my bank balance and apparently I can only panic.
I did manage to get tonight’s dinner though. We’re having ink cartridge and light bulb stew.
While I was in Tesco I saw a guy in there with a trolley brimmed full of hand sanitizers,baby wipes, soaps and all the things people need right now !!
Gave him a piece of my mind, called him a selfish prick and told him there's desperate mum's and lonely old folk that need these products as well ! Told him he ought to be ashamed of himself
He said " that's all very well but I work here... now can I carry on filling the shelves please !"
So filling shelves in Tesco, last year If you didn’t do well at school you'll end up stacking shelves ! now in 2020 Shelf stacking is now seen as a secure career option.
It’s the shoplifters I feel sorry for. There is nothing left to knick.
So I went up to the Pharmacy counter in Tesco to see if they have anything for this cough and headache. I said to the girl "What kills the coronavirus?" she said "ammonia cleaner" I said "Oh I'm sorry I thought you worked here"
I drove back from Tesco’s past the local Citroen garage. Looks like they shamelessly cashing in with the release of a new CV-19 model
My mate said being in isolation with his wife has meant they talk more. Turns out she got made redundant from Woolworths.
So all there is on TV is Covid-19 News
Isis suicide bomber kills 32 family members due to being asked to work from home
First corona deaths in Russia confirmed.
Patients names were Iva Chestikov and Ivor Nastysniff
Banksy has been working from home.
Apparently his house in Bristol is now worth 4.8 billion.
WHO is concerned that the virus might mutate and early signs are that a Stella virus is emerging. Apparently it’s 6% stronger and mostly affects males between 18 and 30 years old.
Finland has just closed their borders. No one will be crossing the finish line!
ah well gone are the days of using a cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
I have to say it’s a smart move closing the schools. Now Mums will find a cure before the scientists do.
Happy WFH |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is great. You guys just gave me my next stand up script......now if only there were a gig open.....
Apologies to any with jokes I didn’t use or reworked a bit. Lol
For the first time in history we can save human kind by sitting in front of the TV and doing nothing..... let’s not screw this up.
Though they have stopped filming EastEnders. I understand there was concern from the producers that including the current crisis in the plot lines would make it too cheerful.
As well as Eastenders, I did hear that Dianne Abbott has been in contact with the BBC asking that they cease filming of Casualty and Holby City to free up the NHS staff so that they can get back to front line duties
Remember when people used to laugh at the toilet roll prize on win the ads on ant and decs Saturday night takeaway. No ones laughing now are they!
With all the Pubs, bars and theatres closed my life is about to be seriously exactly the same!!!
Still, i did pop down to Tesco.. I wanted to panic buy, but I checked my bank balance and apparently I can only panic.
I did manage to get tonight’s dinner though. We’re having ink cartridge and light bulb stew.
While I was in Tesco I saw a guy in there with a trolley brimmed full of hand sanitizers,baby wipes, soaps and all the things people need right now !!
Gave him a piece of my mind, called him a selfish prick and told him there's desperate mum's and lonely old folk that need these products as well ! Told him he ought to be ashamed of himself
He said " that's all very well but I work here... now can I carry on filling the shelves please !"
So filling shelves in Tesco, last year If you didn’t do well at school you'll end up stacking shelves ! now in 2020 Shelf stacking is now seen as a secure career option.
It’s the shoplifters I feel sorry for. There is nothing left to knick.
So I went up to the Pharmacy counter in Tesco to see if they have anything for this cough and headache. I said to the girl "What kills the coronavirus?" she said "ammonia cleaner" I said "Oh I'm sorry I thought you worked here"
I drove back from Tesco’s past the local Citroen garage. Looks like they shamelessly cashing in with the release of a new CV-19 model
My mate said being in isolation with his wife has meant they talk more. Turns out she got made redundant from Woolworths.
So all there is on TV is Covid-19 News
Isis suicide bomber kills 32 family members due to being asked to work from home
First corona deaths in Russia confirmed.
Patients names were Iva Chestikov and Ivor Nastysniff
Banksy has been working from home.
Apparently his house in Bristol is now worth 4.8 billion.
WHO is concerned that the virus might mutate and early signs are that a Stella virus is emerging. Apparently it’s 6% stronger and mostly affects males between 18 and 30 years old.
Finland has just closed their borders. No one will be crossing the finish line!
ah well gone are the days of using a cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
I have to say it’s a smart move closing the schools. Now Mums will find a cure before the scientists do.
Happy WFH "
Hahaha! Very good |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel sorry for Philip Schofield
30 years waiting to come out and now he's been told to stay in
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I feel sorry for Philip Schofield
30 years waiting to come out and now he's been told to stay in
"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I like my women how i like my covid
19 and easily spread |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Snow White and the seven Dwarves:
Sneezy has been told to self-isolate
Doc's been recalled by the NHS
Sleepy is catching up on his beauty sleep
Grumpy can't find any pain-killers or loo roll
Happy is at home on full pay with Pornhub
Bashful is too shy to ask for loo roll
Dopey has just bought 7 white labrador puppies
As for Ms white herself: she's waiting, patiently on her throne (a sure way to get piles) for her prince to arrive with the dot com delivery of Charmin Forever Roll.
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Snow White and the seven Dwarves:
Sneezy has been told to self-isolate
Doc's been recalled by the NHS
Sleepy is catching up on his beauty sleep
Grumpy can't find any pain-killers or loo roll
Happy is at home on full pay with Pornhub
Bashful is too shy to ask for loo roll
Dopey has just bought 7 white labrador puppies
As for Ms white herself: she's waiting, patiently on her throne (a sure way to get piles) for her prince to arrive with the dot com delivery of Charmin Forever Roll.
"
|
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Aldi are restricting the sales of tight luminous pink Lycra cycling outfits, chain saws and inflatable kayaks to two per person
Now that's a sign of a real crisis
"
...up Shit Creek without a paddle? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Love the inbetweeners meme . Jay “ doctor told me iam immune to CV because my cock is to big “ |
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What do you tell people who are still deluded about the virus pandemic?
They need to wake up and smell the Corona
......................
I’m here all week |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The queen has responded to rumours that one of her family has the virus
It came after Prince Phillip revealed one of the family had self isolated
No said the queen
That’s Andrew
He’s been doing that for a couple of months!! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bet the guy who owns the house is the middle of the M62 is laughing at us all complaining about isolating |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago
north and south |
"Bet the guy who owns the house is the middle of the M62 is laughing at us all complaining about isolating "
class no more Macarena |
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By *etLikeMan
over a year ago
most fundamental aspects |
Staff at Timpsons who misunderstood the Key Worker definition, are feeling a bit more valued since being told that once this is all over, they’ll be the ones to Heel the Nation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Now that the football's been knocked on the head I've had to resort to having conversations with my OH...Which is just as well really as I've now learned that she's been made redundant from Rumbelows so she'll no doubt need a shoulder to cry on.
B |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bet the guy who owns the house is the middle of the M62 is laughing at us all complaining about isolating "
He'll be enjoying the fact that there's a little more peace with the reduced volume of traffic banging by both sides of his house day and night...
B |
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You think the corona virus is bad ?
The worst has not even arrived yet, just wait until the Jehovah Witnesses figure out everybody is at home ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Went into the supermarket today there was a bloke with a trolley full of toilet rolls and bacterial wipes and I said you greedy cunt there's women and children and older people in need of these items he said if you don't mind i work here I'm going to replenish the shelves |
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By *atEvolutionCouple
over a year ago
atlantisEVOLUTION Swingers Club. Stoke |
Viagra is now being touted as a possible cure for Covid-19. Works in about 20mins and leaves you feeling very stiff for two days. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Securicor, Serco and Group 4 are now delivering toilet rolls and paracetamol. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hope this is over soon, I'm getting so sick of babysitting my mum's grandkids |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Our local Sainsburys is definitely a Corona free zone... they've also got no Fosters, Budweiser or Carlsberg! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Son: Why did you call my sister Paris?
Dad: Because that's where she was conceived
Son: Thanks dad
DAD: No problem, Quarantine |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We will all get over the Corvid-19. Then China will release the Corvid 19 S plus |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We will all get over the Corvid-19. Then China will release the Corvid 19 S plus "
Not Korea? They make cars affordable  |
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It seems that due to the corona virus many people will be suffering with the shits.....never mind they should be back in school by September |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You think the corona virus is bad ?
The worst has not even arrived yet, just wait until the Jehovah Witnesses figure out everybody is at home !"
Lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It seems that due to the corona virus many people will be suffering with the shits.....never mind they should be back in school by September"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Aliens looking at earth from a spaceship and commenting
No idea what wiped the earthlings out..but they had the cleanest arses i've ever seen |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"About the only thing keeping me sane just now are the excellent memes and GIFs going in my family group chat (I wish we could use them on here!)
Laughing is how I deal with being a bit freaked out so please don't be offended that this is in poor taste, but anyone seen any good Corona jokes/tweets/posts from people? Let's just rip them all off in here to lighten the mood a bit
I'll start…
'Wow...bars, clubs and gyms all closed? My life is about to be seriously exactly the same!'
"
We need humour to get us through these testing times |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Let's take a moment to think of Philip Schofield.
The poor bugger only just came out and now he's being told he's got to stay in |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Diane Abbott has asked the government to order the BBC to stop filming episodes of casualty and holby city so that the doctors and nurses can get back to looking after corona virus victims |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Doctor: "Sir, I am sorry to say you have Coronavirus. You have two options"
Patient: "What are they?"
Doctor: "A, you go into quarantine with your wife and children. Or B"
Patient: "B!"
Doctor: "I haven't finished."
Patient: "Just give me B!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Ask your pet shop, if they have a pair of breeding rabbits/guinea pigs/gerbils/hamsters and some chain mail gloves along with a pair of pliers.
Soft , strong and very, very wrong. |
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By *riple SCouple
over a year ago
Midlands |
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go shopping with....
They lied! Everybody else was wearing clothes! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Clocks go forward next week.
Hopefully at least 6 months !!! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Decided not to listen to government advice or 111, because Sandra on Facebook turns out to be microbiologist, national economical expert, housing advisor, mortgage guru, GP and national pandemic specialist .... who’d have thought? Only last week she was a full time mummy selling bath bombs on Facebook! Goes to show, never judge a book by its cover! |
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By *ingAlMan
over a year ago
hereford |
They've just released the name of the first Chinese person to contract the virus, his name is Ah Choo |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A question to all those panic buying ice cream, tinned fruit and raspberry sauce; are you planning to self isolate for a month of sundaes? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"They've just released the name of the first Chinese person to contract the virus, his name is Ah Choo"
The first Russian was Ivor Chestikov |
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
Was in Morrisons today and saw a bloke buying up all the mussels crab and lobster, thought to myself what a shellfish bastard !! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Went into aldi yesterday with £33.47...came out with £33.47 and a cough.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
-No hugging
-No kissing
-No close proximity
-If you absolutely have to do those things, only do them with people you know extremely well and know that you are going to have to scrub yourself all over afterwards
-Motion to rename this virus from COVID-19 to CATHOLICISM-2 |
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By *J11Couple
over a year ago
Gloucester |
I feel sorry for Philip Schofield. He’s just come out and now he’s told to stay in. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Im doing teenage role reversal. I'm yelling at my parents for them going out. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Just been to Tesco and bought 60 Sausage Rolls, 40 mini savoury eggs, 10 bags of crisps, 50 cocktail sausages
Sod everyone else .. I’m picnic buying
Xx |
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By *azmar62Couple
over a year ago
Hinckley |
"You think the corona virus is bad ?
The worst has not even arrived yet, just wait until the Jehovah Witnesses figure out everybody is at home !"
This is hilarious. Top marks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"-No hugging
-No kissing
-No close proximity
-If you absolutely have to do those things, only do them with people you know extremely well and know that you are going to have to scrub yourself all over afterwards
-Motion to rename this virus from COVID-19 to CATHOLICISM-2"
ATHEIST MALE- yes love that's good just before he shoots his load, his lass "cough cough. I don't feel Well" ATHEIST MALE "For God sake you gave me COVID-19"
WHO THE ATHEIST NOW. Lol
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A bear and a rabbit were both having a dump in the woods.
“Mornin’ rabbit”
“Mornin’ bear”
“Got any bog roll?” (Topical part!)
“Nah, you?”
“Nah, and shit always sticks to my fur!”
“Yeah, I have the same problem!”
“Oh, that’s handy!” says bear, wiping his arse with rabbit! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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March 2021: “Can’t we have something other than pasta for dinner???” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just been to Tesco and bought 60 Sausage Rolls, 40 mini savoury eggs, 10 bags of crisps, 50 cocktail sausages
Sod everyone else .. I’m picnic buying
Xx"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *J11Couple
over a year ago
Gloucester |
Went to see ‘Snow White and Six Dwarfs’ yesterday, Sneezy was self-isolating |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *J11Couple
over a year ago
Gloucester |
January 1st: “This is my year!”
March 23rd: *wiping my arse with a coffee filter* |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Did anyone hear about John Travolta being tested negative for corona? It turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fingering is now more dangerous than bareback or eating ass..... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald trump, Boris Johnson, the pope, Angela Merkel and a 10 year old boy. Unfortunately the plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes left
Donald Trump shouts out "I'm the smartest man in the USA and I'm needed to sort out the worlds problems", he takes a parachute and jumps
Boris Johnson shouts out, "I'm needed to sort out Britains problems" he takes a parachute and jumps
The pope shouts out I need one as the world needs the catholic church" he takes a parachute and jumps
Angela Merkel says to the 10 year old boy "you can have the last parachute, I've had my life and yours is just beginning"
The 10 year old replies, "don't worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my school bag!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald trump, Boris Johnson, the pope, Angela Merkel and a 10 year old boy. Unfortunately the plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes left
Donald Trump shouts out "I'm the smartest man in the USA and I'm needed to sort out the worlds problems", he takes a parachute and jumps
Boris Johnson shouts out, "I'm needed to sort out Britains problems" he takes a parachute and jumps
The pope shouts out I need one as the world needs the catholic church" he takes a parachute and jumps
Angela Merkel says to the 10 year old boy "you can have the last parachute, I've had my life and yours is just beginning"
The 10 year old replies, "don't worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my school bag!" "
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"A bear and a rabbit were both having a dump in the woods.
“Mornin’ rabbit”
“Mornin’ bear”
“Got any bog roll?” (Topical part!)
“Nah, you?”
“Nah, and shit always sticks to my fur!”
“Yeah, I have the same problem!”
“Oh, that’s handy!” says bear, wiping his arse with rabbit!"
Lol...
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I learn that Japan have stopped filming Takeshi's Castle
What I can't work out is whether this marks the start or the end of "a slippery slope" for other endurance game shows around the world |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did anyone hear about John Travolta being tested negative for corona? It turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever"
Did he have chills that were multiplying? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?
If you don't know it means it was YOU! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Did anyone hear about John Travolta being tested negative for corona? It turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever
Did he have chills that were multiplying?"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"A bear and a rabbit were both having a dump in the woods.
“Mornin’ rabbit”
“Mornin’ bear”
“Got any bog roll?” (Topical part!)
“Nah, you?”
“Nah, and shit always sticks to my fur!”
“Yeah, I have the same problem!”
“Oh, that’s handy!” says bear, wiping his arse with rabbit!"
...taps microphone...
I once had a turd
Or should I say, it once filled me?
It left me no room
Isn't it 'stood, bears shit in woods?
It forced me to lay
But I couldn't just go anywhere (where, where?)
So I poked around
And I noticed there wasn't a hare!
I sat on a log, bunny in hand
Wiping my hind.
Owww! Came number two, heavy as lead
The turtle's head
The thing was so long
I was climbing
And it wouldn't snap (snap, snap)
So I crawled off and tried
To break the thing's back (back, back)
And when I was asked "Was this my own?"
This crime was known
Sore arse was on fire
Isn't it 'stood, bears shit in woods?
...exits stage left...
I ruined "Norwegian Wood" about 14 years ago.
Sorry Beatle fans.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Boris said we can't go out twice in one day?
That's the England cricket team knackered then... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
loving this thread |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
""Alexa, homeschool the kids.""
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why doesn't Antarctica have Covid-19?
It's ice-o-lated. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A bear and a rabbit were both having a dump in the woods.
“Mornin’ rabbit”
“Mornin’ bear”
“Got any bog roll?” (Topical part!)
“Nah, you?”
“Nah, and shit always sticks to my fur!”
“Yeah, I have the same problem!”
“Oh, that’s handy!” says bear, wiping his arse with rabbit!
...taps microphone...
I once had a turd
Or should I say, it once filled me?
It left me no room
Isn't it 'stood, bears shit in woods?
It forced me to lay
But I couldn't just go anywhere (where, where?)
So I poked around
And I noticed there wasn't a hare!
I sat on a log, bunny in hand
Wiping my hind.
Owww! Came number two, heavy as lead
The turtle's head
The thing was so long
I was climbing
And it wouldn't snap (snap, snap)
So I crawled off and tried
To break the thing's back (back, back)
And when I was asked "Was this my own?"
This crime was known
Sore arse was on fire
Isn't it 'stood, bears shit in woods?
...exits stage left...
I ruined "Norwegian Wood" about 14 years ago.
Sorry Beatle fans.
"
I think you’re on more drugs than they were! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *plpxp2Couple
over a year ago
Middlesbrough |
"Did anyone hear about John Travolta being tested negative for corona? It turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever
Did he have chills that were multiplying?"
No, he's staying alive |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Did anyone hear about John Travolta being tested negative for corona? It turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever
Did he have chills that were multiplying?
No, he's staying alive "
He's a boy in a bubble now. (Film) |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"It’s the shoplifters I feel sorry for. There’s fuck all left to nick!"
They have taken to "Bring it back" now  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The Proclaimers have been arrested and fined for breaking lockdown rules.
They walked 500 miles then walked 500 more in the same day... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What you in for pal?"
"Murder. You?"
"Went for two runs last Wednesday!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
This corona virus now has all my loved ones trapped in our own home.
My wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad.
Maybe I should let her in. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Labour confident its leadership conference will still go ahead, after the government only bans social gatherings of more than two people. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"A bear and a rabbit were both having a dump in the woods.
“Mornin’ rabbit”
“Mornin’ bear”
“Got any bog roll?” (Topical part!)
“Nah, you?”
“Nah, and shit always sticks to my fur!”
“Yeah, I have the same problem!”
“Oh, that’s handy!” says bear, wiping his arse with rabbit!
...taps microphone...
I once had a turd
Or should I say, it once filled me?
It left me no room
Isn't it 'stood, bears shit in woods?
It forced me to lay
But I couldn't just go anywhere (where, where?)
So I poked around
And I noticed there wasn't a hare!
I sat on a log, bunny in hand
Wiping my hind.
Owww! Came number two, heavy as lead
The turtle's head
The thing was so long
I was climbing
And it wouldn't snap (snap, snap)
So I crawled off and tried
To break the thing's back (back, back)
And when I was asked "Was this my own?"
This crime was known
Sore arse was on fire
Isn't it 'stood, bears shit in woods?
...exits stage left...
I ruined "Norwegian Wood" about 14 years ago.
Sorry Beatle fans.
I think you’re on more drugs than they were!"
Nah! Drugs would slow me down. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"The Proclaimers have been arrested and fined for breaking lockdown rules.
They walked 500 miles then walked 500 more in the same day..."
and crimes against music. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *en474Man
over a year ago
antrim |
Prince Charles has corona 19,
Prince Andrew has susan14 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Prince Charles has corona 19,
Prince Andrew has susan14"
"The Prince and the Predator", sounds like an investigative story that needs airing, either side of The Pond |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Prince Charles has corona 19,
Prince Andrew has susan14
"The Prince and the Predator", sounds like an investigative story that needs airing, either side of The Pond"
To be fair, wasn't the said girl 17? Still a minor but a different kettle of fish to someone underage. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Where's your next travel destination?
-Las Kitchenas
-Los Lounges
-Santa Bedroomes
-Los bed
-Costa del garages
-St Bathroom
-la Rotonda De Sofa |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I’ve been sent some funny loo roll videos
Some of it's been genius to be fair. Less funny having to describe pictures but a lone Where's Wally 2020 edition was pretty funny
Have you seen the Prince Charles handshake one "
Prince Charles is now isolating with Covid 19.
Prince Andrew is isolating with Jenifer 14 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Price Charles contracted symptoms after eating an old bat.
Aka Camilla |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Price Charles contracted symptoms after eating an old bat.
Aka Camilla"
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an undercooked bat |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
"Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an undercooked bat"
! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
All I'm saying is. Come summer you know a hosepipe ban is coming. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Lockdown Latest...
Sales of paracetamol have skyrocketed...sources say this is is attributed to married men whose wives are saying they have a headache.
#CV19 baby boom |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The other night I gave some nurses the clap |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Every time I hear COV - 19 I still expect to hear West Ham Nil after it  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I saw Paul from the chuckle brothers in Tesco earlier
I said "Oi, Two metre you" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I saw Paul from the chuckle brothers in Tesco earlier
I said "Oi, Two metre you""
! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Guy in isolation bed mumbles to young passing nurse "Excuse me but are my testicles black?"
Nurse looks at him strangely...."Not sure I should but I'll take a look for you."
Carefully she lifts his blankets, takes his cock in one hand and puts her head under the covers.
"No" she replies "they look fine."
The guy then removes his oxygen mask and asks again..."Are my test results back?" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One of my neighbours was tsken into hospital on Friday. They put him on one of those Dyson ventilators......
He's picking up fine now.... |
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