Happy New Year folks, 2021 is going to be a fantastic year for Britain.
From this evening I must give the British people a very simple instruction - you must stay at home unless out and about by bicycle in a very limited and specific way.
Now is the time to take action because there is no alternative. From Thursday at midnight on Wednesday, until the start of December, you must stay at home.
I'm taking this advice and working from home using that electronic marvel Zoom to discuss my next holiday to Mustique with a travel agent, and that's entirely the right thing to do.
I'm in excellent spirits and keeping in touch with my team, especially the long standing donors to the Tory party and I’d like to thank them for their Christmas cards and personal cheques, as we work together to fight this virus and keep everyone safe.
I'm as fit as a butcher’s dog and have no mental symptoms, and will continue to lead on our response to the virus and our plans to build back better, stronger, red white and blue.
I visited the Bristol mass casualty vaccination centre yesterday and it is hard find the words to express my debt for the photo opportunity and last night I was at a Nightingale hospital in my hard hat and high viz vest pretending to drive an ambulance. I think there were actually a few coronavirus patients in other hospitals dotted around London.
We have this virus sounding the retreat, waving an enormous white flag of surrender and it’s very important that people should be going back to work if they can now as Rishi, although married to one of the Kingdom’s richest women, realises, ahem, that he needs your money too.
Our nation continues to be threatened and, alas, foreign bombers loaded with covid-19 are sighted over many parts of the country.
Our brave lads and lasses at Track and Trace know exactly where these viruses fall and the coordinates are rushed to controllers in the NHS so that repurposed teams of police can be dispatched with sufficient body bags to make all of those affected snuck and cosy before transferring them to the dignified sanctuary of refrigerated trailers.
Alas, people also feel that the government is not working for them. The naysayers should remember that we are working day and night to beat this and have awarded contracts using your money to many of our closest friends in big business, both here and abroad, to maximise their profits and fund their world beating super yachts. Many of which are built in the sunny uplands of the South of Englandsghire.
We’re truly world beating in our vaccine roll-out and no longer resting on the mere hope that we can return to normal by spring. I’m have sure and certain knowledge that we will succeed and the virus will be flogged to death by Christmas.
There’s no need for people to travel more than ½ mile to reach their nearest world class super giant vaccination centre and we’re only closing them at 8 pm as the through put is so enormous that we need time to wipe down the syringes and needles before the next punters turn up in the morning.
Finally, I've been told by the boss of Marks and Spenser that it’s a bit difficult to get certain foods into Northern Ireland due to some kind of EU border hooha. Whilst you may not be able to get your Percy Pig sweets and Spanish olives I’m assured that the plenty of alternative foodstuffs such as turnips and potatoes are available, along with that excellent staple of plucky Britain, the tin of Spam.
I’m often asked about Dido Harding and I’m sure that, er, you will, in every respect, realise that she has acted responsibly, legally and with integrity.
Remember, together we can reclaim our lives and all the things about our Great British lives that we love such as being free to take ham and cheese sandwiches or, as I like to call them, mini French baguettes, abroad to johny foreigner countries.
Finally questions.
Laura from the BBC.
I’m sorry Laura I can’t quite hear you.
Seven at the last count. Maybe eight?
Is that a wrap?
Is the mike off?
No, not you Govey!
Back upstairs for some fumbling with Carrie and a nap
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