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For those in a BDSM relationship
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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After something Jemima Said.. I was wondering about something..
Master and I are very much in love.. and I think that sometimes this can actually complicate the M/s side of us..
So how many of those that are in a BDSM relationship are in love with each other and do you find it can cause complications.
Those that aren't how do you define your relationship.. as I know that many subs have a Love.. but are not in love.. and I know many dominants that care for their subs deeply but wouldnt call it love.
I have recently found that I was treating some issues from a very very vanilla thought process.. ie responding to things as a wife not a slave/sub.... and have had to put that aside to some degree.
So what are peoples take on this..
Cali |
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i think when love in the traditional sense and bdsm mix it can get very messy. Its a large part of my objection to 24/7.
For a marriage (or long term relationship) to work there has to be an equality of partners, not in everything but in input and respect. Thats borne out by 22 years with the same man. A partnership is just that, you both must accommodate and compromise.
Kev recently said he realized very early on he could Dom me( he didnt know the word but he knew what turned me on) or be my equal and watch me grow and mature. Yes Doms should nurture their subs, but he didnt want a sub he wanted a wife(other terms are available lol)
I do believe it is easier to submit totally to Sir becasue he is not my partner....say for example he is beng a grumpy bear...hmmm he might read this...
Say for example he is pressured with the stresses of work and non communicative
As his partner i would want to get to the root of the problem, that might involve rows and pushing, things that as his sub i would never dream of doing (coughs) The thing is if he says i am feeling uncommunicative, chat tomorrow it is easier to accept because the waters are not muddied by love. We talk when he wants to talk...we meet when he wants to meet.
Now i am not perfect, there have been times i have got pouty because he has chosen not to meet, but it is easier for me to say, look jem , this isnt submission, this is being needy, he is not there to meet your needs. As a partner he would be though...and failing to would be a failure on his part.
This isnt to say my happiness and well being are not very important to him, both as a friend and my Master. He likes to call it enlightented self interest but he truly wants me to be the best i can be.
This doesnt mean i don't think you cant do D/s in a loving relationship, but the most successful ones i know, and i judge sucess in mental well being and contentment, separate the D/s and the day to day going to asda putting out the shopping and rowing about visiting the inl aws.
The term vanilla isnt helpful in this process...you love your Master as a man, you have said before that you would be his even without D/s. This is where we differ, i would be Sirs friend if i was not his sub, but we would not have a relationship other than that.
It is not wrong to want the man as well as the Master, but you need to work out a way to do that, or just be his sub... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"After something Jemima Said.. I was wondering about something..
Master and I are very much in love.. and I think that sometimes this can actually complicate the M/s side of us..
So how many of those that are in a BDSM relationship are in love with each other and do you find it can cause complications.
Those that aren't how do you define your relationship.. as I know that many subs have a Love.. but are not in love.. and I know many dominants that care for their subs deeply but wouldnt call it love.
I have recently found that I was treating some issues from a very very vanilla thought process.. ie responding to things as a wife not a slave/sub.... and have had to put that aside to some degree.
So what are peoples take on this..
Cali "
We are totally in love, Devil will be collared ( when I can find someone to make the collar I want). In his mind he is collared.
Being in love doesnt complicate things at all for us. Communiation and honesty about thoughts and feelings is essential though, as it is with any successfull relationship whether its D/s, swinging or vanilla
Angel
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When we started out we were very Dom/Sub over time things did change and we decided that "feelings" were getting in the way of how our relationship was developing. Is it love that changed it I am not sure it just seemed different. We are very much in Love and still go to clubs and play but now it is more voyuer and exhibitionist. |
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"i think when love in the traditional sense and bdsm mix it can get very messy. Its a large part of my objection to 24/7.
For a marriage (or long term relationship) to work there has to be an equality of partners, not in everything but in input and respect. Thats borne out by 22 years with the same man. A partnership is just that, you both must accommodate and compromise.
Kev recently said he realized very early on he could Dom me( he didnt know the word but he knew what turned me on) or be my equal and watch me grow and mature. Yes Doms should nurture their subs, but he didnt want a sub he wanted a wife(other terms are available lol)
I do believe it is easier to submit totally to Sir becasue he is not my partner....say for example he is beng a grumpy bear...hmmm he might read this...
Say for example he is pressured with the stresses of work and non communicative
As his partner i would want to get to the root of the problem, that might involve rows and pushing, things that as his sub i would never dream of doing (coughs) The thing is if he says i am feeling uncommunicative, chat tomorrow it is easier to accept because the waters are not muddied by love. We talk when he wants to talk...we meet when he wants to meet.
Now i am not perfect, there have been times i have got pouty because he has chosen not to meet, but it is easier for me to say, look jem , this isnt submission, this is being needy, he is not there to meet your needs. As a partner he would be though...and failing to would be a failure on his part.
This isnt to say my happiness and well being are not very important to him, both as a friend and my Master. He likes to call it enlightented self interest but he truly wants me to be the best i can be.
This doesnt mean i don't think you cant do D/s in a loving relationship, but the most successful ones i know, and i judge sucess in mental well being and contentment, separate the D/s and the day to day going to asda putting out the shopping and rowing about visiting the inl aws.
The term vanilla isnt helpful in this process...you love your Master as a man, you have said before that you would be his even without D/s. This is where we differ, i would be Sirs friend if i was not his sub, but we would not have a relationship other than that.
It is not wrong to want the man as well as the Master, but you need to work out a way to do that, or just be his sub..."
Great post and explanation.. I think that is where we changed when we moved in together.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I can only speak from personal experience. Whilst I consider myself sub, I will only "play" sub in a casual relationship.
A few years ago I met someone who blew my world to pieces. I never believed in the "thunderbolts and lightening" but I knew as soon as our eyes met I was in trouble. Eight months later I ended it. I couldn't cope with his mental cruelty. Some might say I did the right thing and I'm better off.. me, I say I miss him every day, still.
I've only been in love once, and that was with my Master. I won't ever risk or allow that to happen again, in vanilla or bdsm.
I can be sub for whom ever I choose, but my heart is definitely not available. |
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"i think when love in the traditional sense and bdsm mix it can get very messy. Its a large part of my objection to 24/7.
For a marriage (or long term relationship) to work there has to be an equality of partners, not in everything but in input and respect. Thats borne out by 22 years with the same man. A partnership is just that, you both must accommodate and compromise.
Kev recently said he realized very early on he could Dom me( he didnt know the word but he knew what turned me on) or be my equal and watch me grow and mature. Yes Doms should nurture their subs, but he didnt want a sub he wanted a wife(other terms are available lol)
I do believe it is easier to submit totally to Sir becasue he is not my partner....say for example he is beng a grumpy bear...hmmm he might read this...
Say for example he is pressured with the stresses of work and non communicative
As his partner i would want to get to the root of the problem, that might involve rows and pushing, things that as his sub i would never dream of doing (coughs) The thing is if he says i am feeling uncommunicative, chat tomorrow it is easier to accept because the waters are not muddied by love. We talk when he wants to talk...we meet when he wants to meet.
Now i am not perfect, there have been times i have got pouty because he has chosen not to meet, but it is easier for me to say, look jem , this isnt submission, this is being needy, he is not there to meet your needs. As a partner he would be though...and failing to would be a failure on his part.
This isnt to say my happiness and well being are not very important to him, both as a friend and my Master. He likes to call it enlightented self interest but he truly wants me to be the best i can be.
This doesnt mean i don't think you cant do D/s in a loving relationship, but the most successful ones i know, and i judge sucess in mental well being and contentment, separate the D/s and the day to day going to asda putting out the shopping and rowing about visiting the inl aws.
The term vanilla isnt helpful in this process...you love your Master as a man, you have said before that you would be his even without D/s. This is where we differ, i would be Sirs friend if i was not his sub, but we would not have a relationship other than that.
It is not wrong to want the man as well as the Master, but you need to work out a way to do that, or just be his sub...
Great post and explanation.. I think that is where we changed when we moved in together.."
The good thing is you talked and evolved...relationships of all hue thrive on communication. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
The good thing is you talked and evolved...relationships of all hue thrive on communication."
It has taken a lot of talking and actually for me to realise that I had some ideas that were just all wrong..  things are settling down a little and in many ways I am more content now.
I just would occassionally respond in a manner that was fine for a partner.. but for a 24/7 slave in a TPE relationship VERY VERY WRONG.. (like erm telling your Master what he will do)
It is all sorted now..but it brought a few things to a head..and discussing it with others in the lifestyle many said that when your in love and have a "normal" relationship too.. it can be very hard at times... but not impossible and if you can make it work.. doubly rewarding.
I do know that sometimes it would be easier to submit if there wasnt the depth of feelings too.. but well.. I wouldnt submit to anyone else.. so we have to work on it.
Cali |
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"
The good thing is you talked and evolved...relationships of all hue thrive on communication.
It has taken a lot of talking and actually for me to realise that I had some ideas that were just all wrong.. things are settling down a little and in many ways I am more content now.
I just would occassionally respond in a manner that was fine for a partner.. but for a 24/7 slave in a TPE relationship VERY VERY WRONG.. (like erm telling your Master what he will do)
It is all sorted now..but it brought a few things to a head..and discussing it with others in the lifestyle many said that when your in love and have a "normal" relationship too.. it can be very hard at times... but not impossible and if you can make it work.. doubly rewarding.
I do know that sometimes it would be easier to submit if there wasnt the depth of feelings too.. but well.. I wouldnt submit to anyone else.. so we have to work on it.
Cali "
Patience is an underrated virtue in BDSM, yesterday something happened that Sir said he had been working towards for 3 months, until i was in the right mindset and had the right understanding..and this was just for some pics he wanted to take...
Glad u are working it out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
The good thing is you talked and evolved...relationships of all hue thrive on communication.
It has taken a lot of talking and actually for me to realise that I had some ideas that were just all wrong.. things are settling down a little and in many ways I am more content now.
I just would occassionally respond in a manner that was fine for a partner.. but for a 24/7 slave in a TPE relationship VERY VERY WRONG.. (like erm telling your Master what he will do)
It is all sorted now..but it brought a few things to a head..and discussing it with others in the lifestyle many said that when your in love and have a "normal" relationship too.. it can be very hard at times... but not impossible and if you can make it work.. doubly rewarding.
I do know that sometimes it would be easier to submit if there wasnt the depth of feelings too.. but well.. I wouldnt submit to anyone else.. so we have to work on it.
Cali
Patience is an underrated virtue in BDSM, yesterday something happened that Sir said he had been working towards for 3 months, until i was in the right mindset and had the right understanding..and this was just for some pics he wanted to take...
Glad u are working it out "
sorry this is slightly off topic , do we get to see the pics 
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I try to see myself less as Masters partner.. more as his slave these days.. and it seems to be working.
I ever managed to NOT have a major strop the other day and stay in protocols.. Not sure who was more surprised over that..
Me or Master.
And lol I am curious as to what photos they were too lol
Cali |
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"I can only speak from personal experience. Whilst I consider myself sub, I will only "play" sub in a casual relationship.
A few years ago I met someone who blew my world to pieces. I never believed in the "thunderbolts and lightening" but I knew as soon as our eyes met I was in trouble. Eight months later I ended it. I couldn't cope with his mental cruelty. Some might say I did the right thing and I'm better off.. me, I say I miss him every day, still.
I've only been in love once, and that was with my Master. I won't ever risk or allow that to happen again, in vanilla or bdsm.
I can be sub for whom ever I choose, but my heart is definitely not available."
This seems to happen far too often, some people should never be allowed near a sub 
However i know that if i was for some reason not Sir;s i too would only be a play sub, attending parties, clubs ect to meet my needs. i could never imagine giving myself to anyone other than Sir except kev, and we chose to close that door. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You know I couldnt even be a play sub if I wasnt with my Master.
Its a funny world isnt it.
cali
i like pain... "
I love the things we do.. but if it wasnt US doing them, I would rather deny myself lol as quite simply I couldnt do what we do without the bond.. and I couldn't do this without the trust and love...
So therefore no matter how much I wanted to I couldnt.
cali |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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my x and i were in a sub dom relationship,it was very sexy ,we were in love too ,now i have moved on ,my new wife and i are in "a normal relationship", i have turend my sexual relationship around ,i am bi and when with a man i am a sub ,and enjoy the excietment it brings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"it wasnt pervy well unless u think a woman wearing an anal hook with bound nipples masturbating is pervy...erm that may be up to him...
Usually i can judge but on this one i cant "
pervy , sounds lush , have considered getting an anal hook
may be a bit much for fab tho lol |
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"You know I couldnt even be a play sub if I wasnt with my Master.
Its a funny world isnt it.
cali
i like pain...
I love the things we do.. but if it wasnt US doing them, I would rather deny myself lol as quite simply I couldnt do what we do without the bond.. and I couldn't do this without the trust and love...
So therefore no matter how much I wanted to I couldnt.
cali "
i think its because there is a difference between being a masochist and a sub,although the two are often confused. When i say play sub, thats what i mean, someone beaten because it makes them come. |
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"it wasnt pervy well unless u think a woman wearing an anal hook with bound nipples masturbating is pervy...erm that may be up to him...
Usually i can judge but on this one i cant
pervy , sounds lush , have considered getting an anal hook
may be a bit much for fab tho lol"
i love my hook...especially when its accompanied by lots of other bondage.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Not meaning to hijack but I just wanted to say I find this whole subject fascinating and not as a perve either as I obviously know a couple.of contributors to the thread.
I understand very little but am fascinated by the views on divorcing the d/s from the vanilla or not as the case may be.......
Now Jem....about the.pics lol.......
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You know I couldnt even be a play sub if I wasnt with my Master.
Its a funny world isnt it.
cali
i like pain...
I love the things we do.. but if it wasnt US doing them, I would rather deny myself lol as quite simply I couldnt do what we do without the bond.. and I couldn't do this without the trust and love...
So therefore no matter how much I wanted to I couldnt.
cali
i think its because there is a difference between being a masochist and a sub,although the two are often confused. When i say play sub, thats what i mean, someone beaten because it makes them come."
to be honest I orgasm at some of the darkest plays Master and I can do
and hook.. I am thinking I dont want to delve any further, Master has quite enough ideas of late.
Cali |
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"You know I couldnt even be a play sub if I wasnt with my Master.
Its a funny world isnt it.
cali
i like pain...
I love the things we do.. but if it wasnt US doing them, I would rather deny myself lol as quite simply I couldnt do what we do without the bond.. and I couldn't do this without the trust and love...
So therefore no matter how much I wanted to I couldnt.
cali
i think its because there is a difference between being a masochist and a sub,although the two are often confused. When i say play sub, thats what i mean, someone beaten because it makes them come.
to be honest I orgasm at some of the darkest plays Master and I can do
and hook.. I am thinking I dont want to delve any further, Master has quite enough ideas of late.
Cali "
It sounds worse than it is, the end has a large ball on it |
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"Not meaning to hijack but I just wanted to say I find this whole subject fascinating and not as a perve either as I obviously know a couple.of contributors to the thread.
I understand very little but am fascinated by the views on divorcing the d/s from the vanilla or not as the case may be.......
Now Jem....about the.pics lol.......
"
everyone is going to be disappointed i keep saying they arent pervy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Not meaning to hijack but I just wanted to say I find this whole subject fascinating and not as a perve either as I obviously know a couple.of contributors to the thread.
I understand very little but am fascinated by the views on divorcing the d/s from the vanilla or not as the case may be.......
Now Jem....about the.pics lol.......
everyone is going to be disappointed i keep saying they arent pervy"
You know I am not a perve Jem...its all part of a learning experience
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Not meaning to hijack but I just wanted to say I find this whole subject fascinating and not as a perve either as I obviously know a couple.of contributors to the thread.
I understand very little but am fascinated by the views on divorcing the d/s from the vanilla or not as the case may be.......
Now Jem....about the.pics lol.......
everyone is going to be disappointed i keep saying they arent pervy
You know I am not a perve Jem...its all part of a learning experience
"
i have to say westy i think u maybe tell fibs
u r male therefore pervy is kind of ingrained xxx |
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By *waymanMan
over a year ago
newcastle |
"After something Jemima Said.. I was wondering about something..
Master and I are very much in love.. and I think that sometimes this can actually complicate the M/s side of us..
So how many of those that are in a BDSM relationship are in love with each other and do you find it can cause complications.
Those that aren't how do you define your relationship.. as I know that many subs have a Love.. but are not in love.. and I know many dominants that care for their subs deeply but wouldnt call it love.
I have recently found that I was treating some issues from a very very vanilla thought process.. ie responding to things as a wife not a slave/sub.... and have had to put that aside to some degree.
So what are peoples take on this..
Cali "
I suppose this deserves my two penn'orth...
Let's start with the disclaimer - YKINMK and what I know about being a dom was learned in failure and in success.
I am not sure if I am ever going to be in romantic love again. I am in a BDSM relationship that has lasted quite a while longer than most people would have bet at the time it started, and which I know looks like a very convenient and easy relationship for me.
It is. I get to dominate a woman who is submissive, good with pain and absolutely depraved in the best possible way.
However, I'm convinced that it only works as it does because it is motivated by a loving instinct, to want to fill a gap in someone else's life. The bit of me that I choose to share fits a dom sized gap, not a romance sized gap, so it's what I do. However, you can only know the size and the shape of the gap in someone's life if you listen, and learn, react and respond. So that's what I do as well. The nicest thing my sub has said to me is that I practice listening like a martial art. I couldn't do what we do if I didn't, but I also think, in a general way, that listening is the central practice of love.
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"You know I couldnt even be a play sub if I wasnt with my Master.
Its a funny world isnt it.
cali
i like pain...
I love the things we do.. but if it wasnt US doing them, I would rather deny myself lol as quite simply I couldnt do what we do without the bond.. and I couldn't do this without the trust and love...
So therefore no matter how much I wanted to I couldnt.
cali "
I am also in a Dom/sub situation. It was a part of myself that I always knew existed but that never felt quite natural to explore.
Then last year I met a man to whom I was instinctively submissive and it flowed very easily. The two of us still play sometimes but we both play with plenty of others.
Then I met another man and very quickly discovered that whatever he asked of me I would say yes to. We are both still feeling our way into this - he has experience and guides me, I have (sometimes too much) enthusiasm, trust and obedience.
We have a very unusual connection based first on instinctive trust and now on genuine affection. Its a puzzling relationship because I have nothing to compare it to. I have a huge desire to please this man in a way I have never felt before.
I have met, dated, and fucked a lot of men in my sexual life, but only two have ever brought out this side of me. It is liberating, pleasurable and perplexing - if I ever tried to analyse it I suspect my head would implode.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My bf totally dominates sexually im his owned slut. But we draw a line between sex and normal life we dont find that hard. In fact outside sex he is more my slave than the other way round as i can be quite princessy lol. But im well trained for the bedroom. My ex husband was also my dom tho very different, had a very nasty personality and controld me in a ugly way in normal life. The sex was intense but less good i wud say because i didnt trust him really or respect him which sub needs to do. Peace. Mel x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My bf totally dominates sexually im his owned slut. But we draw a line between sex and normal life we dont find that hard. In fact outside sex he is more my slave than the other way round as i can be quite princessy lol. But im well trained for the bedroom. My ex husband was also my dom tho very different, had a very nasty personality and controld me in a ugly way in normal life. The sex was intense but less good i wud say because i didnt trust him really or respect him which sub needs to do. Peace. Mel x"
see sexually I am not really dominated.. Sexually Master loves that we are very equal in wants and desires.. I am more dominated outside the bedroom..
cali |
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By *waymanMan
over a year ago
newcastle |
"My bf totally dominates sexually im his owned slut. But we draw a line between sex and normal life we dont find that hard. In fact outside sex he is more my slave than the other way round as i can be quite princessy lol. But im well trained for the bedroom. My ex husband was also my dom tho very different, had a very nasty personality and controld me in a ugly way in normal life. The sex was intense but less good i wud say because i didnt trust him really or respect him which sub needs to do. Peace. Mel x"
That's a big and fascinating story in a small post...
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