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How to turn someone down after a social
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Partly inspired by the thread about how to say no after a face pic, and partly “asking for a friend” lol.
If you have a social but decide you don’t want to take it further, what do you say? On the flip side, if you’ve been told after a social that they don’t want to take it further, how did they do it and/or how would you prefer to be told? |
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We always go home and talk things through. If we decide not to take things further we thank them for meeting us and say we won't be taking things further.
We have been told in various ways from being completely ignored to bring politely told we are very different people. On balance we prefer to be told but the message gets across however it's conveyed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never promise play after a social “if all goes well”, always say you never play after a social no matter what then at the end of the social you can say “I’ll be in touch” and then at least you don’t have to reject them face to face. |
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We find it SOOOO hard to say no. I'll tell anyone that of course you need to reply, not ghost etc... but I think it's that flip from enthusiasm before you meet, to ... repulsion after, it feels like I'm a bad person for changing my mind. Even though my mind beforehand is basically built on my own imagination.
I really try, but sometimes I just feel too darned awkward! Getting better though. |
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"The same way we turn them down ima. Club tbh. We just say thanks but we’re not looking to play today "
Personally to me that feels ambiguously open ended. In a club I think it's more viable, but outside if is so much more open to the other people thinking "Oh, well... in future then...? Maybe...?". Taking a hint is good, but what if that wasn't the hint and it was a genuine comment? What if they then do see you playing later in the club? I know I'd feel sooooo awkward with these half truths. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
I think being honest and polite about it is the *only* way it should be dealt with to be honest - nothing worse than being left dangling and wondering.
I've not yet had a situation where I've met someone that I've had to say "I don't want to take things further" but have been in the situation of having met someone (socially or otherwise) where they've just gone silent or not been upfront that they don't want to meet again and it's only natural to wonder if it was something you said or did - appreciate that people may not want to hurt feelings, or might be worried about getting abuse, but would much rather be told politely they don't want to meet again. |
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By *apiensWoman
over a year ago
glasgow |
"Partly inspired by the thread about how to say no after a face pic, and partly “asking for a friend” lol.
If you have a social but decide you don’t want to take it further, what do you say? On the flip side, if you’ve been told after a social that they don’t want to take it further, how did they do it and/or how would you prefer to be told?"
This happened to me about six months ago - a chap actually came back to my hotel room, had a bit more chat and then said “I’m ever so sorry I’m not feeling this at all” and left. I was a bit embarrassed but honestly it was much better than if he’d told me some bullshit and definitely better than crap sex. |
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"Partly inspired by the thread about how to say no after a face pic, and partly “asking for a friend” lol.
If you have a social but decide you don’t want to take it further, what do you say? On the flip side, if you’ve been told after a social that they don’t want to take it further, how did they do it and/or how would you prefer to be told?
This happened to me about six months ago - a chap actually came back to my hotel room, had a bit more chat and then said “I’m ever so sorry I’m not feeling this at all” and left. I was a bit embarrassed but honestly it was much better than if he’d told me some bullshit and definitely better than crap sex. "
Absolutely agree with this! (I've been there, too) Can't argue with "I'm not feeling this." and much better than going into details of why.
I've always made it clear that I meet for socials. If there's nothing there, it's easy enough to politely decline anything further. |
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"Partly inspired by the thread about how to say no after a face pic, and partly “asking for a friend” lol.
If you have a social but decide you don’t want to take it further, what do you say? On the flip side, if you’ve been told after a social that they don’t want to take it further, how did they do it and/or how would you prefer to be told?
This happened to me about six months ago - a chap actually came back to my hotel room, had a bit more chat and then said “I’m ever so sorry I’m not feeling this at all” and left. I was a bit embarrassed but honestly it was much better than if he’d told me some bullshit and definitely better than crap sex. "
And infinitely better than him just doing it because he felt he had to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a couple we've had some pretty shit rejection messages, the best was " not for us shes too fat for the mrs ".....for me that stung a little, especially when at the time we were very new to the scene.
We've also had " we only want to play with the fem " this also stung but theres no way in hell I'm playing as a couple without my better half....reject him you reject us both.
Theres a right way and a wrong way to turn someone down... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The same way we turn them down ima. Club tbh. We just say thanks but we’re not looking to play today
Personally to me that feels ambiguously open ended. In a club I think it's more viable, but outside if is so much more open to the other people thinking "Oh, well... in future then...? Maybe...?". Taking a hint is good, but what if that wasn't the hint and it was a genuine comment? What if they then do see you playing later in the club? I know I'd feel sooooo awkward with these half truths."
Luckily we haven’t turned down many people we meet as we make sure we see a face pic and chat a lot prior, this particular time was with a guy and instead me and the mr just played together no one else so there was no lying or anything.
The second time I just said to the couple that I’m Not feeling it... which was gutting because we had gotten on sooo well with that couple and when we met I just wasn’t feeling the Male half of the couple.
Neither were dicks about it though both polite. Later than couple played with someone else and I played with a Male for a bit but that was it really no biggy no one was offended xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We always go home and talk things through. If we decide not to take things further we thank them for meeting us and say we won't be taking things further.
We have been told in various ways from being completely ignored to bring politely told we are very different people. On balance we prefer to be told but the message gets across however it's conveyed. "
This xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Partly inspired by the thread about how to say no after a face pic, and partly “asking for a friend” lol.
If you have a social but decide you don’t want to take it further, what do you say? On the flip side, if you’ve been told after a social that they don’t want to take it further, how did they do it and/or how would you prefer to be told?"
Just be honest but not cruel. |
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"Never promise play after a social “if all goes well”, always say you never play after a social no matter what then at the end of the social you can say “I’ll be in touch” and then at least you don’t have to reject them face to face. "
Oh yes, I always make it clear that social and play are separate, I like to be able to make my escape if need be! |
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Iv been the one to turn someone down and vice versus been turned down both happened at the social so it was face to face for both and both times it was still quite friendly neither person got upset or anything we all agreed we prefer being told honestly if we didn't think it was going further in fact both times me and the social still kept talking and drinking for a while because we were both happy enough to just chill and enjoy the social |
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"We find it SOOOO hard to say no. I'll tell anyone that of course you need to reply, not ghost etc... but I think it's that flip from enthusiasm before you meet, to ... repulsion after, it feels like I'm a bad person for changing my mind. Even though my mind beforehand is basically built on my own imagination.
I really try, but sometimes I just feel too darned awkward! Getting better though."
That’s the trouble, I’m bad at saying no and that rarely turns out well! I’m scared of being labelled a timewaster or getting a load of abuse for “stringing them along” or something. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Right I’ve got experience in this field as I’ve met what must have been 600 or more guys over the 9 years I’ve been here. My socials have been anything from a meal, a coffee, meeting someone in the car park of my local kfc and speaking to them in the car or full sex and everything in between.
I tell everyone that nothing can happen till I’ve seen them in the flesh.
If they aren’t for me I simply tell them there and then that it was nice to meet them but I’m not feeling it. I’ve only slept with 4 guys out of the 100’s I’ve met! |
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"Right I’ve got experience in this field as I’ve met what must have been 600 or more guys over the 9 years I’ve been here. My socials have been anything from a meal, a coffee, meeting someone in the car park of my local kfc and speaking to them in the car or full sex and everything in between.
I tell everyone that nothing can happen till I’ve seen them in the flesh.
If they aren’t for me I simply tell them there and then that it was nice to meet them but I’m not feeling it. I’ve only slept with 4 guys out of the 100’s I’ve met!"
I’m seriously impressed with your ability to say no! |
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Maybe I can offer a perspective as a single guy on how I would feel about being turned down (though it has happened yet).
I accept that we are not all a match for each other and don't see myself as entitled / god's gift.
If I can't take being turned down / rejection, I shouldn't be doing this.
I will always suggest / accept a social meet as being without pressure or expectation of anything else.
If its a social with a couple, at some point I will say that I'm off to the gents, so they are able to talk about how they feel and if they would like to 'keep it as just a social meet' that is fine by me. If its with a single female I will ask how she feels and say the same about if she wants to 'keep it just as a social' that is ok.
For me, offering the opportunity to be turned down makes it a more comfortable situation for all and removes the awkwardness.
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"Maybe I can offer a perspective as a single guy on how I would feel about being turned down (though it has happened yet).
I accept that we are not all a match for each other and don't see myself as entitled / god's gift.
If I can't take being turned down / rejection, I shouldn't be doing this.
I will always suggest / accept a social meet as being without pressure or expectation of anything else.
If its a social with a couple, at some point I will say that I'm off to the gents, so they are able to talk about how they feel and if they would like to 'keep it as just a social meet' that is fine by me. If its with a single female I will ask how she feels and say the same about if she wants to 'keep it just as a social' that is ok.
For me, offering the opportunity to be turned down makes it a more comfortable situation for all and removes the awkwardness.
"
That’s a very sensible way to look at it, and it gives me hope that maybe it won’t go too badly. |
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"Partly inspired by the thread about how to say no after a face pic, and partly “asking for a friend” lol.
If you have a social but decide you don’t want to take it further, what do you say? On the flip side, if you’ve been told after a social that they don’t want to take it further, how did they do it and/or how would you prefer to be told?"
That's what socials are for! I'm had a few and that all its been, 1 went further.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Partly inspired by the thread about how to say no after a face pic, and partly “asking for a friend” lol.
If you have a social but decide you don’t want to take it further, what do you say? On the flip side, if you’ve been told after a social that they don’t want to take it further, how did they do it and/or how would you prefer to be told?"
Why not just be honest? Theres enough lies in this world!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The shit sandwich... Say something nice first and last, with the shit news in the middle. Like "Thanks for the coffee today it was lovely. On reflection I won't be taking things any further. You are a nice guy though, I wish you luck". Assuming they are nice that is! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We find it SOOOO hard to say no. I'll tell anyone that of course you need to reply, not ghost etc... but I think it's that flip from enthusiasm before you meet, to ... repulsion after, it feels like I'm a bad person for changing my mind. Even though my mind beforehand is basically built on my own imagination.
I really try, but sometimes I just feel too darned awkward! Getting better though.
That’s the trouble, I’m bad at saying no and that rarely turns out well! I’m scared of being labelled a timewaster or getting a load of abuse for “stringing them along” or something."
Some people are just immature and can't handle rejection. That is their issue, not yours. If you have been respectful and you get a bad reaction, just walk away knowing they've proven they weren't worth meeting |
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I have been on both ends of this, and the only way is to be open and honest. Whether that is face to face or by message afterwards (after some time to reflect) it doesnt really matter. There is no need to go into specific details about what it was, just that a person wasnt feeling it. When on the receiving end, just accept that the spark or attraction wasnt there, it happens. Someone else will come along and you might want to rip each others clothes off.
There is no point dwelling on things. |
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We arrange to meet at Clubs, sometimes the excitement before we meet is fulfilled, sometimes it isn’t. We always make sure that people understand meeting at Clubs doesn’t mean anything more than that, sex is never a given. If we, or the other party(ies) aren’t interested we are open about saying so and moving on. We are never mean, why on earth would you be? Equally we are ok if we aren’t right for others, we all have our preferences |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been rejected lots of times, but only once did it threaten my sense of self worth. A simple ‘decided not to take things further but thanks for your interest’ is fine by me. If I met someone and they ghosted I’d think much less of them. |
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By *apiensWoman
over a year ago
glasgow |
"Right I’ve got experience in this field as I’ve met what must have been 600 or more guys over the 9 years I’ve been here. My socials have been anything from a meal, a coffee, meeting someone in the car park of my local kfc and speaking to them in the car or full sex and everything in between.
I tell everyone that nothing can happen till I’ve seen them in the flesh.
If they aren’t for me I simply tell them there and then that it was nice to meet them but I’m not feeling it. I’ve only slept with 4 guys out of the 100’s I’ve met!"
This feels like a poor return on the time invested. |
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